Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Week 9 Performance

A very gurny journey…

Last weekend : Tracy nicked Beyonce’s moves, Michael nicked the Hobbit’s music, Kimbotley nicked Rachbot’s music, Louis nicked Gethin’s storyline, Lisa nicked Jan Ravens’ ability to take criticism, Denise nicked every trick in the X Factor book, Strictly Nickyd the Charleston, and PENDLEDRAMA did this. Oh PENDLEBITCH. Never change.

Ever.

Tess tells us that, with Victoria voted out, we’re finally left with seven thoroughbred competitors (meow) (and also LOL), a fact that the show’s editors decide to illustrate with this

pre-credits Comedy VT. Which I think is a little harsh. The production values of this series have at least been at the level of a Leicester or a Nottingham. (MIDLANDS PRIDE!) Len is our commentator for this Strictly horse race and

the complete lack of commitment Kimberley puts in throughout is truly inspirational. Maybe she’s saving herself for her own Comedy VT later? Louis then

thunders past everyone on his pommel horse, in a manner that looks vaguely obscene. Then Nicky falls over and starts going the wrong way and everyone catches up with Louis and blah blah something

this. Based on that photo, Kimberley’s going to win, with Lisa second and Michael third. What a thought. At the end, Nicky sighs

“you do get us doing some stupid things”. I know Nicky. Why do a Comedy VT like that, when Tracy’s the only one who could convincingly play a jockey, and you’re the only one who could convincingly play a horse? Hem hem.

LIVE!

I wonder what Iveta is doing now. Helping with the auditions for “So You Think You Can Dance?”? Trying to get on “Burn The Floor”? Sending hilarious “what’s your porn star name?” e-mails to Ola so she can fish for the answers to the security questions to her bank account? Preparing a skin-suit made of bits of Vegas hoofers that all come together to kind of look like Kristina if you squint a bit? It’s a mystery.

Out to the dance-floor and it appears that Tess is now presenting her dresses in such a way as to say

“GO ON THEN TWITTER, DO YOUR WORST!”. We also learn that she and Bruce have reached a compromise with regards to their opening dance. It’s that they’re going to fistbump AND

do this. I can’t imagine that’s the compromise she was hoping for. To the extent that she has to yell “OK! DOWN NOW!” to Bruce to get him to stop. It’s not quite when he put his arm around her and she grunted “get! off!” out of the side of her mouth, but it’ll do. Bruce, once he’s stopped pinching Tess’ thighs harder than a crab at Brighton Beach, he does his “nice to see yers”, which yields…OH MY GOD, IT’S KATYA! I hope this somehow develops into some sort of hostage section where she holds Bruce to ransom until they give her her job back. She could threaten to do something TRULY HORRIFIC like turn off his autocue or make him present the results show.

Bruce and Tess at this point briefly commiserate with one another about how sad they were to see Victoria go. Bruce sighs that she can at least now concentrate on her wedding/slagging off Brenda in the press/world domination. Apparently the judges have already decided on their presents for Victoria for her wedding. All of them are sending her 70 boxes of Kleenex, and life-rafts for everyone in the congregation. And you thought flooding was bad NOW.

Not really, Bruno is sending her a pen, Len is sending her a tea-set, Darcey is sending them some picture frames, and Craig is sending them a Strictly Come Dancing “4” paddle.

Bunch of cheap bastards.

Anyway, everyone sends Victoria their best wishes for the future, and rubs their hands together with glee at the thought of her and Brenda having to dance together in the big group number at the end of the series. I hope he KNEE-SLIDES all over her. Tess tells us that, with Victoria gone we’re left with our “Magnificent 7”. Sadly they’re not going to dress them up as cowboys this year. I feel Louis could have commiserated with Gavbot about their…experiences. Bruce carries on that we are now only three weeks away from the final. And thank goodness for that, because I’m getting RSI in the index finger of my right hand. TIME TO MEET

WITH YOUR LAWYERS AGAIN TESS! And also…THE STARS OF OUR SHOW!

Nice army helmet chic there Flav, well done. Once they’re all out, Bruce tells them all that he’s going to paraphrase one of his old catchphrases, and informs them all that “they’re so much better than last year”. He then goes to say that, sadly, next year’s lot will be so much better than them.

I think when even Bruce has caught on to your hackneyed tropes to the extent that he’s making fun of them, that it’s probably time to bin them. Although…they are better than last year’s lot, overall, it has to be said. You can throw your “YEAH BUT HARRY AND CHELSEE LIT UP THE DANCEFLOOR EVERY WEEK!!!”s at me all you want, I still had to sit through RUSSELLLOLZ and Mad Anita and Robbie Flipping Savage and Audley threatening to punch Craig out every 5 seconds.

As though to immediately prove my current positivity wrong, guess who’s the guest on Starship Karen this week?

I hope she gets zapped by creatures from Uranus. Bruce says “oh no” and the audience completely fails to react. Might be time to stop hauling her out every 5 seconds don’t you think? She’s rather lost her impact.

Kimbotley Walsh & Pasha Kovalev dancing the jive

I swear, his new parting crawls a little further over each week. By the final it’s going to be right above his earhole. WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST GROW IT OUT PASHA? WHYYYYY? Bruce tells us sadly that this week, Kimberley has had a very sore hip. “Very sore”? I’m loving this series’ dedication to making everyone’s injuries sound as weedy as possible. Next week we’ll be told that Tracy has the sniffles and Lisa has a hangnail. Bruce then says he’s going to get the audience to make Kimberley feel better by cheering for her. Is this something to do with homeopathy? Anyway he starts his cheer with “hip hip…”

and then it looks like his own hip gives out. OH THE IRONY. He then says “I wish I was dead…well I’m half dead as it is”. Ah, it’s been too long since he’s hauled that one out isn’t it? I have to say, this is why Strictly is so much more compelling than X Factor this year, because you just don’t get the pathetic drama of a man contemplating his own mortality over on ITV. Except everyone in the audience, when Christopher Maloney sings.

VT time, and Kimberley grins that the highlight of her weekend was seeing the standing ovation she got following her tango. We then cut to a shot of the Tessanine

as though everyone there isn’t contractually obliged to stand up anyway. Also you can totally see Victoria in the background, not giving a shit. And Louis in the foreground, not giving a shit. These Olympians. They’ve seen Jessica Ennis man, they’re not impressed by some girlbander doing an alright tango. Kimberley goes on to drone that she still carries the mental scars of being in the dance-off, so she was really glad to be called safe first.

There’s a silent “…especially after they milked my drama teats for all the insanity milk they were worth the week before” there, if you listen closely.

Training now and

Kimberley is finding the jive as energising and inspiring as you’d expect any woman with an injured knee a dodgy hip to. Which is to say, not very. She’s finding the high-speed, bouncy jive a lot more difficult than she expected and it’s having an adverse effect on her mood. Even

staring at Pasha’s crotch as he does the jivey bounce doesn’t hold the innocent pleasures that it once did. For her. In fact, she’s so frustrated by her lack of performance that she does a patented

STRICTLY STORM-OUT. I’m amazed her votes held up as well as they apparently did. Pasha, at this disastrous turn of events, just throws up his hands and says that he just can’t do it. Even if he did create last year’s Shrek jive – the only decent thing ever to come out of that godawful franchise, Kimberley is beyond him. He needs outside help. He needs

Jive Bunny. Or his non-union equivalent. Kimberley says that she couldn’t think of what to say when she saw Jive Bunny in the training studio.

Really? Not “FUCKING HELL, YOU MADE ME DRESS UP AS A HORSE, NOW THIS? I SANG ON “BIOLOGY” YOU KNOW, I DON’T NEEEEEED THIS SHOW”? Really? She goes on to say that she wasn’t even aware that Pasha was friends with Jive Bunny. See, now that I can agree with. As Jive Bunny is an 80s icon, really I expected him to be friends with Brenda. Anyway, “Jive Bunny” flails around in costume, and Kimberley says she feels so honoured that he came in to help.

See, now this is where Comedy VTs are ACTUALLY a problem, rather than annoying, because I have no idea now how much of that was real, and how much was just a set-up so they could shoehorn in “Jive Bunny”.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Wouldn’t Kimberley’s hair make a lovely home for a hamster? Throw some shredded-up newspaper in there and you’d never get them out. Anyway, she and Pasha are dancing their jive to “Land Of A Thousand Dances”, a song which Pasha has form for choreographing to and it didn’t go particularly well then either. I mean it all starts very well

with Kimberley shaking her boobies with the abandon we’ve come to expect from her over the last two weeks, but for a very very tramp-kicking heavy jive, she’s lacking in the legs a bit, and she seems to run out of energy somewhere towards the middle. There’s one bit in particular where she has to duck a kick from Pasha and then swing through his legs and well


it’s a bit like a 6 year old running riot in a revolving washing-line. Fortunately Pasha has choreographed a break for her towards the end

where she more or less just stands there gurning whilst he dances (gurning) so she doesn’t go full Holly Valance and have to whip out her asthma inhaler. Finally, panting, she approaches the final stretch of the dance and lets loose a WILD SCREAM OF DANCE ABANDONMENT

not seen since the days of Bill Turnbull. Either that or Sarah Harding has just joined in with the singing, down Kimberley’s ear-piece.

Phew. She made it. I was worried there for a minute. I guess it was a bit much to expect all of the Female Frontrunners to be able to jive this year, eh? Still, nice try. Once she’s finished, she looks up to see if there’s a standing ovation. There isn’t. Oh well. Let’s just all

look at the pros molesting “Jive Bunny” to cheer us all up.

She totters over to Bruce, who offers a sympathetic “how’s the hip?” to Kimberley as she makes it over. Kimberley says she can’t complain. Bruce then asks how her Alfie’s doing, and Kimberley replies that he’s alright, although she’s worried about him seeing that Rita from Number 32, because she’s just got divorced and she’s no better than she ought to be. Fortunately we are then saved from Strictly Come Doctors Waiting Room by

the arrival of our judges. I feel like I’m playing some sort of 90s video game, and I’ve just got to the boss battle. I wonder where Darcey’s weak point is…

Bruce tells us that there’s so much excitement amongst the judges this week, because Craig, Len and Darcey just know there’s going to be LOADS of GREAT DANCING (shows what they know) and Bruno’s excited because he’s just started writing his letter to Father Christmas. Bruce then says that he knows what Bruno wants, and he hopes he gets it.

But for now we need him to dance the Charleston, so he’ll have to wait until Christmas Day.

Len starts for the judges, saying that Kimberley did very well, especially considering the fact that the jive is a VERY HARD DANCE FOR VE SEMI-CRIPPLED SUHLEBRUTEES TUH DO. She mostly kept the technique and the atmosphere up, but there were one or two “dodgy moments”, particularly when she went through Pasha’s legs. In fact that it appears that she did that part so wrong that she has in fact injured Pasha’s finger. INJURY PORN NEXT WEEK PLZ! Bruno of course, just saw a beautiful woman shaking her boobies about randomly, so he’s in love.

He says that it’s such a shame that that tangle in the middle ruined something that was “almost perfect”. Really?

Craig follows and

is he wearing a METAL clip-on bow tie? What is it with bow ties this series anyway? Are they making a comeback? Anyway, he agrees with Bruno that Kimberley was amazing and that, although she really could have made much more of the part where she was between Pasha’s legs.

I know. I think we’d all regret the same in her position. Darcey closes by saying that Kimberley definitely matched Pasha’s energy levels, and that’s not easy to do. Bruce then hoots “how do you know?”, and the audience hoots away laughing cause Darcey done a rude. Darcey of course, blithely ignores this foolishness, and goes on to tell Kimberley that she loved the accents of her legs. I guess it beats the one coming out of her mouth. (NOT REALLY! BIG LOVE TO ALL MY READERS IN THE NORF!). She closes by saying that Kimberley really does have a strong core now, so well done her. All those sit-ups she told her to do, have obviously paid off, in Darcey’s Core Wars.

Bruce sends her off up to the Tessanine, trying to lead the audience in a chorus of the “nah nah-nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah!”s from the song. He fails. Once she’s up there,


“Jive Bunny” does his damndest to upstage everyone. Just look at Nicky’s face. He hates that wabbit. Kimberley for her part makes sure to give “Jive Bunny” an extra big hug, just in case it is in fact Katya in there with a handgun, bearing a grudge. Who do you think is ACTUALLY in there? I think it’s Brenda. The show-boating I think gives it away. Anyway, Tess sympathises with Kimberley about how hard the jive is, and Kimberley says that her legs are like lead. Pfft, we all know they’re 95% titanium, don’t kid. Tess goes on to say that Pasha has been shadowing Kimberley all week this week, and she’s got a Girls Aloud video shoot to do on Monday, so he’ll be there as well. (And yet she’ll still put more hours into training than Tracy). Tess asks if Kimberley can imagine her life without Pasha in it, and she says that she can’t.

Well, the rest of us manage love, so you’ll just have to make do with pictures off the Internet like the rest of us. Scores are in

34. Again.

Tracy Beaker & Vincent Simone dancing the Viennese Waltz

Let’s put it this way, I don’t think Natalie Lowe has anything to worry about. I mean…what sort of knot is that for starters? Ah well, at least the answer to the question “Where’s Wally?” isn’t “he’s dancing with Victoria” for once. Bruce tells us that Tracy and Vincent will be dancing to “an Italian song” this week – “That’s Amore”, a song that’s about as Italian as “Mi Chico Latino” is Spanish. Bruce incidentally LOVES the lyrics of “That’s Amore” so he sings them to us all, beautifully.

“WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE WITH A BIG PIZZA PIE, THAT’S AMORE!”

Quite.

VT now and Tracy says she just loved doing the samba last week. It’s such a fun, exciting, and easy dance to do and to love!

You can almost hear James and Brenda throwing their shoes at the television can’t you? NO! THE SAMBA IS VERY HARA AND THE DANCE OF DEATH AND THIS ATTITUDE DOESN’T AT ALL CONTRIBUTE TO EVERY WOMAN THEY’VE EVER DANCED IT WITH CRINGING THROUGHOUT LIKE THEY’VE GOT ACID REFLUX! Anyway, we’re reminded that Craig called her hot, and Tracy mews that she’s never been called “hot” before. Vincent reassures her that she looked like Beyonce “from very far away”. I’m not sure if he’s saying that if we move far enough away and squinted she looked like Beyonce or just…you know…perspective-wise. He carries on, saying that she is the “dark pony” of the competition, and his “little Falabella”. This is a Falabella incidentally.

Werk.

Training now

and Vincent’s got his pole out. Because he’ll be playing the role of a gondalier in their Italian themed Viennese Waltz. I’m not trying to make much of anything out of this, but it’s interesting that Tracy is clearly far more mature than Chelsee was, and yet the latter (mostly) got to play mature women dealing with romance, sex, lust, betrayal and revenge and what have you, and Tracy’s stuck with Scooby Doo, Pac-Man, Dorothy Gale, kids party “Dance Like Beyonce” routines and gondoliers. I’m not sure if that’s the contrast between Vincent and Pasha, or just the show is lurching kiddiewards faster than you can say “Jive Bunny”.

Anyway, the Viennese Waltz is a dance of romance, and Tracy

fresh from the sunbed, says that it’s easy to dance a romantic dance with Vincent, because who wouldn’t love staring up into those big beautiful Italian eyes of his? It’s hard to convey quite how sarcastic she sounds just by writing it out. You’ll have to take my word for it. She goes on to say that she’s trying to learn a bit of Italian because of the theming of the dance. Sadly this is not an excuse for a Nancy Dell’Olio cameo. AND YET WIDDY CONSTANTLY GETS BROUGHT BACK FOR NO REASON AT ALL! IT’S NOT FAIR!

Anyway, Tracy’s Italian Lessons don’t appear to have stretched to her knowing what “bella” means, and frankly you can pick that up from watching Fireman Sam, so I think Vincent should probably stick to just teaching dance.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Really they’d be dancing to “Just One Cornetto” if he could make it fit a Viennese Waltz wouldn’t they? I can’t wait for more Strictly pros to live out their ethnic stereotypes on the dance-floor.

She disembarks from her boat, as “That’s Amore” starts up and we discover that she’s dressed like this.

Just like we all do when we’re off for an afternoon’s gondoliering. This is brave for two reasons – firstly because it utterly exposes her footwork, which is not the best, from what I can tell, and secondly because you can see her knickers for a good 72% of the dance. I don’t know what this show’s apparent need to dress her like a 4 year old at their first Christening is, but it needs to END NOW.

Other than that, it’s a really sweet Viennese Waltz, unless you’re lactose intolerant, in which case, what are you doing watching this show anyway? It’s so full of cheese that even FRANCE looks at it all “yeah…you’re a bit obsessed”. My favourite parts are when Vincent gets her to skip around on her tip-toes for the

“tippy tippy tay” part of the lyrics and makes her stride slowly at the

“clouds at your feet” part. So on the nose. So Vincent. Sadly he is unable to work “drool like pasta fazool” into the choreography anywhere. Maybe for the final Vincent. All in all she’s very light, very elegant, and it’s all a million miles better than her Week 1 waltz.

Such progress!

It gets a standing ovation, whilst Bruce grins at her that the dance had a “lovely feel” to it. Yes, and Vincent’s the only one allowed to, so paws off, Creepy Great-Uncle Bruce. He just about manages to control himself long enough to introduce the singers by name again.

I think if you made Nemi into a real-live person, she’d look exactly like emogirl82 there. Although the thought of Nemi being a real person is too scary to contemplate. Oh yeah and there’s these two as well

looking ever more pissed off that they’re having to share the orchestra related limelight with flipping SINGERS. Pfft. Anyone can sing. It takes real talent to wave your baton around whilst playing the Bontempi. Don’t worry Man In The Hat, you’re still my favourite.

Bruno starts for the judges

in Italian. Or Brunoese. Whatever it is, I bet it’s an absolute torrent of filth. Eventually he lapses into English (ish) and tells her that he loved the colour to the dance that she brought to it that he’d never seen before. Is he talking about her pink knickers? I guess it WAS only Craig who got flashed in her jive. He found it all absolutely enchanting anyway. Craig follows, and he says that he really liked the batmons that she did, but he didn’t at all like her back attitude turns. (When Craig says a ballet step, it takes a good minute of goggling to work out what it is, and I hope you appreciate that. I have no idea what a “batmon” is, unless it’s the Jamaican Batman)

Tracy’s “taking criticism” face incidentally is

as pretty as ever. Craig thought that, whilst sweet and full of musicality, the dance didn’t blow him away. Len and Bruno then pull faces at him, a bit, but you can tell their hearts aren’t really in it. It must get exhausting after a while – you’d have to be truly demented to keep it up for an entire series (*eyes to Louis fans*). Darcey follows, and tells Tracy that everything on the lower half of her body was really clean. Is she on a bet this week? Are they all on a bet? Anyway, Darcey goes on to say that she really liked the dance, but would have liked more curve. She asks Tracy to once again imagine that sodding “beautiful necklace” again.

Yeah, she’d have to imagine. Overall though, “beautiful and elegant”.

For no reason, here’s Anneka Rice.

Len closes, having been munching on his pencil throughout, closes by calling Tracy and Vincent his “little chipolatas” (ask Flavia. Or Kristina for that matter) and tells them that that dance was beautiful, and he really liked how it wasn’t just yer bog standard Viennese Waltz with overwrought music of PAIN and a couple of fleckerls and that there lots of little eccentric bits and pieces to it. He says that he only knows one bit of Italian and he is going to use it in their honour.

“Bon Jovi”. You can tell Vincent’s pained he didn’t think of that joke first can’t you?

Up to the Tessanine they amore and everyone’s there to

do “Italian hands” at them to greet them. At least…I think that’s what they’re doing. They’re all shouting “EH!” like a Fonz convention anyway. Tess asks Tracy if she’s got a taste for Italian after that routine and she grins “absolutely!”.

THE SHOWMANCE RUMOURS START HERE! Except, sadly, they probably don’t. She then gets asked if her life has been transformed by Strictly, and of course, she says it has. She misses out the part where that mostly focuses around her employability. NO MORE DISCO MUSICALS WITH JAVINE FOR TRACY! Tess then brings up that Tracy has been second on the leaderboard for four weeks running.

WOW! She’s better than Strictly Stats Man. She then goes on to ask her if she thinks she’ll be top this week. Yeah, not with Louis’ Blockbuster Journey Closer she won’t be. Tracy says she can’t complain and she’s really happy that the judges are so nice to her. Question neatly sidestepper there Beaker, well done. Scores are in

34.

Michael Vaughan & Natalie Lowe dancing the samba

Well looks like Natalie’s started on “Tequila” before the band. If you know what I mean. Bruce tells us all that over the course of this series, Michael has been a really lovely man and a great competitor. Bruce, I know you’re not going to be here for the Results Show, but maybe save the farewell speech for when you see him again at the final yes?

VT now, and Michael tells us that he really enjoyed performing the Argentine Tango on Saturday, because of how raunchy it was. It saddens me that Michael thinks his Argentine Tango was “raunchy”. I guess in the same way that people used to describe “Game On” or “Babes In The Wood” as raunchy, when in fact all that happened was that someone used to occasionally say “thong”. Or, if it was Denise “fong”. He says that what made it really great was getting the opportunity to correct all the mistakes he made the first time, in the dance-off.

How many goes do you reckon it would take to have got this samba right? Feel free to invent numbers if you feel you have to.

Training now and we begin with

Natalie grinning, looking off-centre, singing “Tequila”. I know it’s a crowded field, but I’ve never liked her more. Michael tells us that he is, indeed, dancing to “Tequila” and that he’s been putting in more hours than ever before, because obviously “Latin” is the genre of dance where he struggles most. I’m left wondering how Michael possibly found more hours in the say, as he was pretty much using all 24 of them up for training as it was. It would not surprise me if Natalie had invented time-travel as this point, such are her dance-powers. I mean

she’s already using cloning technology to try to get an edge. Anyway, if so – go back to 2005 and hobble Goughy for me Nat. Nothing nasty. Just so he has to withdraw. And if you can do Widdy on the way back, all the better. (*wink*)

Michael goes on to say that things are getting really tough now, and if you’re not putting the effort in, you’ll be found out. Is that a burn on PENDLEDRAMA? I hope so. Especially as Michael is giving an amazing

Sassy Bitch Face as he says it. Natalie closes by saying that during Michael’s time on Strictly they’ve always been nervous, but there have been both lows (*cue shot of jive*) and highs (*cue shot of American Smooth*) and really she thinks to dance so well at Wembley was Michael’s biggest achievement. She’ll remember that moment forever, and she knows that she and Michael will always be friends. It’s just a shame that they had to go out before he got to do the Vienn…oh no, wait. They’re not eliminated yet. Her mistake.

TO THE DANCE-FLOOR!

OH MY GOD, NATALIE IS WEARING A FEATHERY HEAD-DRESS! Already this is his best Latin dance, and he hasn’t moved yet. Although actually, once he does start, with some vintage

“Celebrity Male Crowd-Warming Clapping”, it’s probably his worst. Not because of technique or enthusiasm or performance or any of that, but because it’s not really terribly memorable. The jive had the axe, the cha cha had the stripping, and the salsa had Natalie hurling herself at his face but this is just kind of Bad Bloke Latin, and that shirt alone isn’t really making it for me.

He’s got those odd-balled up fists whilst he dances, so he looks the Cowardly Lion boxing, his hops don’t work, and he’s not really moving much around the floor at all. I think Natalie made her best decision choreographically when she decided to

hand over her feather head-dress to Bruno. I don’t think he was paying attention to anything else from that point onwards. Not so much when she feels the need to resort to the

Dreaded Starfish. Oh Natalie, no. Never mind that his hands are so scrunched up that it looks more like the Lobster. It all ends with him hurling her at the camera, whilst she yells

TEQUILA! Which I guess is as suitable an end as any.

Over to the judges they shimmy, with no standing ovation (duh) and Bruce asks Michael where he got his hips from. Because I’m guessing they want them back. Craig starts us off for the judging session, by saying that the dance wasn’t completely dreadful, and was a slight improvement. But it was still crap. Michael asks him if he at least liked his shirt, and Craig says that he LOVES the shirt – it’s just what was in it that’s the problem. The audience boo, and Natalie turns to Michael obliviously and beams “what did he say?” and Michael affects that he too, didn’t hear, because let’s face it, Natalie’s face is a little

“Old Yeller off to be put to sleep” and who’d want to put a bullet in that? HE SAID IT WAS AMOYZING NAT! (*pats head*) Darcey’s next and she baffles on about his “improvement”, and says “you’ve worked so hard Nat”. Merrily, Natalie completely misses the last word, yells “Yes! Absolutely!” and then applauds, which makes her look a bit like the “OI’M AMOYZING!” monster that half the audience assumed she was way back when. Sadly then Darcey punctures the balloon by telling him it’s sad that his hips are never going to look natural. SO SAD.

And she means that most sincerely, folks.

Len is next, and he tells Michael that his left hip never seems to know what his right hip is doing, and he is TALL and as we all know SAMBA IS A VERY HARD DAHNCE FOR VE TAWW MAYUW CELEBRUTIES TUH DO. Still, there was a lot of content in there, and he was getting near at least some of it, so HOORAY. Bruno closes (*brace yourselves*) by saying that it’s really good to see Michael finally letting himself really GO when he dances with

GAY ABANDON. He asks Michael if it’s his colourful shirt that’s made him so gay, or is he in fact turning………into a “one hip wonder”. Because only one hip was working at once! He needs to learn to swing both ways!

Well I think Starship Karen just exploded. It’s going to take Karen to get the holy water out of her carpets at least. Anyway, Michael protests that he can’t go down the pub swinging both ways and Bruno replies “a lot of people do my darling”. Seriously, Bruno is on FIYAH this series.

Up to the Tessanine they tequila, and Natalie gushes “THIT WAS SO MUCH FUN! THINK YOU FURR THIT, IT WAS AMOYYYYYYYYZING!”. Her boundless positivity is a lesson to us all. Michael for his part says he’s been having some problems with his left hip, but otherwise, he enjoyed it. Tess solemnly says that Bruno said that Michael “let himself go” in that dance. Michael bounces back that he thinks he let himself go a little bit too much in his left hip, and then Natalie slurs, drunk on life apparently, that she spent 40 HOURS on that left hip.

And about 10 minutes on the right, hence the discrepancy. Tess asks him if he thinks he’s finding his “Latin groove” and Michael hems that…he think he’s getting better. He then starts saying that everybody in the competition has been really nice to him and the whole thing has been super fun and seriously CAN WE SAVE OUR GOODBYE SPEECHES FOR THE RESULTS SHOW PEOPLE? Who is stage managing this bunch this year? Scores are in

24.

Nicky And The No-No & Karen Hauer dancing the Argentine Tango

Bruce reminds us that last week, Karen was tied to a railway track and there was a big train and it went “woo woo” and then Nicky came in and saved Karen and then they danced. Then Wilnelia had to administer a sedative and Bruce went sleepy bye-bye ALL NIGHT. Something like that. Bruce jokes that if the dance had happened today, Karen would have waited three hours and then been run over by a replacement bus service.

No Bruce, if the dance had happened today, Karen would have been electrocuted. And hark at him trying to work up a big “man of the people” cheer against the rail sercices, when he hasn’t taken public transport since 1954.

VT time now, and Nicky beams that last weekend was the best weekend he’s had in a long long time. You can tell the producers are napping, because no-one zaps him into saying “APART FROM DANCING AT WEMBLEY WHICH OBVIOUSLY WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE, AND OF THE NEXT ONE, SHOULD EVIL MOIRA ROSS ALLOW ME TO BE REINCARNATED, PRAISE BE UNTO HER!”. Nicky describes it as “epic” which…if doing a Charleston then getting wooped at by Jeremy Edwards and Filch from Harry Potter can be described as epic, then good luck to us all. He tells us that after getting 9s from all four judges, he’s developed a taste for them, and it’s “foot to the floor” from now on and he’s so glad.

Although not as glad as Karen

who starts tearing up like a big weird about how she’s so proud of Nicky and she’s never danced with anyone more committed. HE’S HER FAVOURITE STRICTLY PARTNER EVER! Honestly, it’s like when a temp leaves and gives a big teary speech and you’re all “who was she again? Did she make me tea?”.

Training now, and Nicky tells us that he’s got Argentine Tango this week or, as the show is apparently considering renaming it


“The James Bond Dance”. I mean, I know this show has basically been a Fantasy Camp for girl for too long, but can we find OTHER male fantasies to indulge the male celebrities with other than James Bond. At this point, unless I’m forgetting anybody, we’ve had a James Bond rumba, a James Bond foxtrot, two James Bond paso dobles, three James Bond tangos, and FOUR James Bond Argentine Tangos. ENOUGH ALREADY.

Anyway, Karen says that Nicky loves James Bond and he’s got the looks, but now he needs the moves. We then get some WITTY BANTER between them when Nicky calls her “Ms Hauer” and Karen calls him “My Byrne” and says she’s been expecting him…TWO HOURS AGO.

I’m at least glad that he knows her surname. Glad and a bit surprised. Fortunately the balance of the universe is restored as our training footage closes with Karen

falling to the floor clutching her thigh and screaming that she has a cramp, and Nicky really isn’t that bothered. You can practically see Iveta’s ears pricking up from here thought can’t you? No blacking up Iveta, I beg you. Not again.

TO THE DANCE FLOOR!

I guess it was only a matter of time before he just whacked it out on the judges table and had done with it. I’M TALKING ABOUT HIS DANCE TALENT OBVIOUSLY! The music starts, and the particular Bond we’re goosing with this routine is Daniel Craig’s Jason Bou…sorry, his James Bond. To be specific, SkyFoh. Or at least that’s how Adele says it, so I presume that’s the title of the film. The baddy’s a gay apparently but whether he gets fired out of a cannon in the end is unclear. Anyway, the song starts and Nicky advances on Karen doing his

cross-eyed sex face. Then he

bites her ear. Well it’s better than sniffing her hair anyway. (*shudders at the memory*). From there on it’s a pretty intense Argentine Tango throughout

with a lot of eye-contact and

WANTON THEXUALITY! It’s definitely a huge improvement on the chemistry front from the start of the series, given that he didn’t even seem to want to let her touch him for the first three weeks. He’s still slamming his feet into the ground like the downstairs neighbours are playing their music too loud, and his posture’s still a bit Mr Burns, and the less said about the random kung-fu section (oh Karen…) the better, but I enjoyed it. Even if the chemistry is a little bit more “bouncer trying to throw a drunk party girl out of a club” than James Bond.

Because let’s face it, the less James Bond there is on this show the better from now on. GERRAHTOFIT YOU SLAHG! We close with Nicky performing the Universal Signifier for James Bond

fiddling with your cufflinks. Because apparently whilst James Bond is an international spy and supershag, you can’t do his buttons up properly. Such a tragic flaw. It’s like Hamlet really.

The dance gets a Standing Ovation, and the camera cuts to

Ray Mears, presumably because if James Bond actually existed, that’s what he’d look like given the British Secret Service. Once they reach Bruce, he growls at them that he doesn’t know what story they were telling in their tango, but he’d like to read it later. EW. (Poor Wilnelia).

Darcey starts for the judges, and she tells Nicky that the most important thing is that he kept up the intensity of the dance all the way through. She then goes on to say that she did, however, want to see a more lustful Nicky because he “can get a bit hard”. Of course the audience then fall to bits, because everyone’s acting like they’re at the Chippendales Review this week. Nicky jokes that it was just the gun (/military grade rocket-launcher) in his pocket and things get even more screechy.

Finally Darcey, in between flusters, huffs “I’m not going to be able to get this out” and the audience SCREAM like they’re at Sea World and Shamu just splashed them. Either that or Widdy is hurling herself out of Starship Karen with a knife between her teeth, and that’s just her battle cry.

Len somehow tries to follow that up, by saying that the lifts were very good (they were, although I never like any lift where it looks like the woman is being swung around mid-air by her ankle, so there’s that) but the routine felt like ballroom tango to Len, not Argentine Tango. Where were the sweaty Pampers and the gauchos? It really lacked the authentic flavour of Albania, which we all know is where the Argentine Tango comes from. It was too sharp, and not fluid enough. The audience boo, and Len starts his “I ONLY SPEAK THE TRUTH!” routine, which is always hilarious. Bruno is next and growls at Nicky that “a lot of people like it that hard”.

I don’t think Karen would. It would require their hold to be…modified. Significantly. You’d imagine. He loved the performance and the lifts and the hooks, but he agrees with Len that it did get a bit staccato.

Craig closes by saying that the storytelling was superb (I know, you could really smell the burger van couldn’t you?) and he loved Nicky’s ganchos, but everyone else is right. It was too aggressive and stompy and Nicky ended up looking like a little boy not getting his way and throwing a tantrum. Sorry Craig, nothing Nicky ever does will surpass the ultimate Strictly Toddler Tantrum Dance.

STOOPID CAPE! WAH!

Up to the Tessanine they fowh, and Tess tells him that he’s not just a one-hit wonder now, because he just got ANOTHER Standing Ovation. She goes on to say “that’s TWO IN A ROW! WELL DONE YOU NICKY!”. And you thought it was just Tracy who got treated like an infant. She reminds Nicky that Darcey said that the dance should have been more LUSTFUL, and then starts fanning herself and grunting

and talking about how sexy she personally found the dance. Thanks Tess. Nicky’s all “…ok. I enjoyed being James Bond anyway” *backs slowly away*. Tess goes on to ask how much Nicky wants to be in the final, and he says that’s the goal he’s set himself, and it’s not TOO far away now. Yeah…don’t get your hopes up Nicky. Scores are in

30. Someone got a taste for those 9s didn’t he? I also love that Len gives it the full “DOUBLE-OH-SEVUHHHHN” and everyone boos him.

Eric & Gurny dancing the quickstep

Bruce tells us all that Lisa will be dancing a Quickstep to “Bring Me Sunshine”, as a tribute to Morecombe & Wise. Bruce tells us that, in their hay-day, Morecombe & Wise used to get 28 million views. In typical self-deprecating(/defecating) manner, Bruce ascribes this to the fact that he was presenting a show “on the other side”.

And it probably won’t be too long before he does so again.

VT time now, and Lisa says that last Saturday was very important, because she wanted to show the public and the judges that she could “be different”.

Oh Lisa, it was certainly that. She then returns to the well of huffing that it’s just a shame that Len, Bruno, and Darcey didn’t get it. Ah well Lisa, true art never was appreciated in its time. She then lies that she really loves getting negative comments from the judges, and that they’re “like food to her”.

Food with a lot of lemons in by the looks of it. She goes on to say that being put down only gives her impetus to come back stronger to spite the judges and I always love a good Strictly victory motivated by spite. KEEP ON KEEPING ON LISA.

Training now, and Lisa tells us that she and Robin are dancing their quickstep which is, per Lisa “the Morecombe & Wise song”. She’s very enthusiastic to be paying tribute to her comedy heroes, whilst Robin

doesn’t really know who they are. He gruntles to Lisa that, as he’s obviously not very “Wise” he should be Eric Morecombe instead. Lisa is

NOT AMUSED. SHE WILL BE ERIC! SHE IS THE FUNNY ONE! SHE IS THE ONE THE PUBLIC ADORES!




YOU GO BE ERNIE IN THE CORNER! Whilst Lisa tits around pretending to comedy stars of the 70s Robin frets that nothing in this Comedy VT has anything to do with the dance they’re going to do on Saturday Night.

OH MY GOD, CALL THE COPS!

It all closes with Lisa gasping and pawing at the air that Robin has no idea who Morecombe & Wise are and when she tells him that he’s going to playing Ernie, he does a “Bert & Ernie” voice. Who amongst us would not rather have seen that as the theme for this dance? There really aren’t enough Muppets on this show. And it’s not often I’d say that. We close with Lisa saying that, after her rumba, it’s important that she gets both her performance AND her technique right. Robin then beams that he’s looking after the technique, whilst Lisa is taking care of the performance. I’m saying NOTHING.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

I must say, I missed this episode of Morecombe & Wise. Maybe Eric as a 200lb transvestite was too REAL for those 1970s audiences. He and Ernie are watching the most dumbed down weather report of all time.

IT’S RAINDING! Except possibly in Northern Ireland, but who cares about them? Lovely Weather Carol tells us that she personally wouldn’t bother going outside, as if she could given that England is being hit by raindrops which are the size of Luxembourg. Oddly enough, when the music strikes up I consider going outside.

Just to walk it off. Yes, Lisa is back at full gurning tilt, rampaging around the dancefloor pulling ridiculous faces and calling it dancing. I’m not even sure if the faces are a tribute to Eric Morecombe’s funny faces or if she’s



having a bit of a turn. I can’t remember being so disconcerted by a dance-face since Vorderumba (outside of a paso doble obviously). As for the technique, which Robin was supposedly baby-sitting, it looks like he’s left it alone in the bathtub with the doors unlocked and all his chainsaw collection lying around. There’s gapping, she’s out of sync, there’s missed kicks, no bounce…the whole thing is capped off by Lisa hurling herself face first INTO the sofa. I’m sure it was supposed to be a forward roll. Oh well Lisa, you’re in good company not being able to do one. Poor Vincent.

It appears that Weather Carol has been dancing away on the screen behind them for the entire dance. To be honest, I think I’d rather have watched that.

It gets no standing ovation, and Lisa marches over to the judges hooting that she wasn’t supposed to slip up at the end! Bruce says that yes, he didn’t think javellining her head into the couch flashing her knickers to the world was supposed to be the end of the routine. Kristina didn’t choreograph the dance after all. As far as I know. Bruce THEN notices that Weather Carol is still performing her routine on the tv, long after everybody’s lost interest and stopped watching, pulling bizarre faces and jigging around aimlessly.

Think on Bruce. At least she’s got the excuse of being a pre-record.

Len starts for the judges, saying that Lisa bring sunshine to the show every week, and he tells her that he just knows that Eric & Ernie are up in heaven watching down on her now and cheering her on.

ZOOM OUT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ZOOM OUT. Bruno follows by saying that Lisa’s personality couldn’t be brighter; so bright in fact that he needs to wear sunshades. He found her performance captivating and thinks she coped very well with a very difficult dance. He particularly liked the “comedy ending” where she fell on the floor…OOPS!

I’m with Darcey. Bruno Tonioli – “spontaneously” falling over since 2008.

Craig is next, droning “back to the dance”. He tells Lisa that her left hand needed more shaping, she had a messy incident before her second Charleston (ZOMG DANCE FUSION ONE WEEK EARLY) and her pendulums were a little bit heavy. Aint nothing but what God gave her Craig. Incidentally, Lisa has really worked on her

“taking criticism” face. Guess what though? Craig LURVED her energy. Darcey too closes with a lot of nothing about “shining”, and “great speed” although she does at least mention that Lisa’s top-line was a bit of a mess.

Up to the Tessanine they shine, where Tess greets them by actually calling her “sunshine”. To be honest, the “Little Miss Sunshine” Lisa brings to mind isn’t so much the Mr Men character as the film. I hope her showdance is to “Superfreak”. Tess then asks Lisa, following the splits at Wembley and then the “somersault” onto the sofa, what other tricks she has up her sleeve. Serenity? Good Taste? A decent bra? I fear not. Lisa says that she’ll see about making sure she can land the one she just did properly first, given that bits of her costume fell off and she hit the deck whilst attempting a forward role onto an elevated crash mat. Tess then brings up Robin’s “Week 9 curse”, in that he only finished 7th with both of his previous partners. Robin mugs that he hopes this year is different!

To be fair, it was different last year, when his celeb partner actually made it further in the competition than he did. Scores are in

31.

Denise van Shimmy & James Jordan dancing the salsa

Apparently this week Denise was complaining to Bruce about all her injuries. It hurts she touches her hip, it hurts if she touches her knee, and it hurts if she touches her ankle. Bruce apparently told her that it’s not that serious – she’s probably just injured her finger. OH NOES! MILD FINGERLASH! THE SILENT KILLER!

VT time, and Denise says that all her dreams came true last weekend, when she got to dance a lovely dance to a lovely piece of music in a lovely dress. Her dreams sound really boring. I mean

if this was the highlight of my subconscious I’d just give up and pray for the nightmares. James tells us all that it’s amazing to get such great scores and be at the top of the leaderboard, and they really honestly don’t take that for granted. EVERY WEEK IS SUCH A STRUGGLE! THINGS GO WRONG IN REHEARSALS AND DENISE STUBS HER PINKIE AND ALL THAT!

Training now, and the highlight is that Denise has realised that “shimmy” rhymes with “Jimmy” which is (sort of) James’ name.




Can someone check the Bantertron 5000? I think it might be broken. Anyway Denise bellows that James clearly LOVES A BIT OF SHIMMY, and James protests that he doesn’t and it was just that one time with Artem and he was CONFUSED AND DRUNK AND LEAVE HIM ALONE.

He then very solemnly tells us that the last three celebrities who were eliminated did so whilst dancing the salsa. Or at least, that’s what the show called what they were doing. Bless James for trying to pull a “WAH! DANCE DRAW!” pity vote ploy in a week when the two weakest men in the competition, both of whom have been in the Bottom 2 before, have SAMBA and ARGENTINE TANGO.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

They’re dancing to “Rhythm Of The Night” by DeBarge. And it is a complete and utter mess. There’s quite a nice skirt shimmy at the beginning, and some purposeful stomping, and that’s it. She’s got no hip action, the lifts are

hilariously inelegant and botched, the choreography is boring, her shimmies look like someone’s dropped an ice cube down her back, half the time she’s just spinning endlessly, and towards the end the routine disappears completely and Denise tries to cover it up with her crappy shimmies.

Just a hint – if you’re making up moves to cover the fact that the routine’s been forgotten, don’t pick one that naturally looks like a shrug. AND THEN IT ALL ENDS WITH THIS!

TRAINWRECK!

It somehow gets a Standing Ovation, which is God’s own mystery frankly. I can’t remember the last time I saw such a bad dance by a front-runner. Bruno starts for the judges

grinning in a bulldog fashion that that was a very spicy salsa with some sharp edges. If it was I think I cut myself. He particularly liked the part where she did spins, because God knows it’s such a rarity with Denise. BUT he did see a couple of “near-misses” with Denise tonight, which surprised him. Near-misses? Those were full on collisions. He thinks she covered it up well, but he could tell there were parts where the whole thing nearly fell apart. James

raises his hand, all gallant (again), and Bruno asks if it was his fault. Denise just lows “yeah”. Nice to see the reciprocity there. Bruno then tells her that her hips weren’t very fluid, just to pin something on her that James can’t try to erase. Still, James then gives a big speech about how the pros are just human, like the celebrities are, and tonight he completely forgot the routine.

So odd that that hasn’t happened before. He thinks Denise did so well to recover though. Denise thanks him, and tells him not to worry. Well this is a reversal of power structures. One that

Craig is relishing. He grins at James that he’s loving this moment of getting to REALLY pile on James, and then James laughs the most forced laugh I’ve seen…

well at least since the last Brucie joke anyway. Anyway, Craig goes on to say that Denise’s hips were too spiky and he doesn’t think she covered particularly well to be honest. James just says “IT WAS ME IT WAS ME!” over and over again. I have to say, I do feel sorry for James because either he is messing up on a weekly basis (when he doesn’t normally) or he’s pulling the “gallant pro” act to cover his celebrities flaws, and his celeb’s quite happy to hang him out to dry to save herself.

Craig closes by saying that on the other hand Denise has the BEST SPINS HE’S EVER SEEN EVER. Yawn.

Darcey’s next and she says that she loved Denise’s attack and her under-arm turns, but when the speed went up it looked a little dodgy. Is that when the speed went up for “standing still” to “starting the dance”? Oh and her shimmies were a bit rubbish because she was

pinning her elbows in to her ribs whilst doing it. Sweat patches are a curse Darcey, don’t judge. She tells Denise to pay attention to James’ shimmies, because he spreads his arms and does them properly. James grins that Darcey likes his shimmies, just because I guess to find something to hold on to from this routine. Everyone laughs like Darcey just said a rude again, but let’s face it, she’s peaked for this episode.

Len closes by yelling that it’s not about whether you go wrong (erm…it kind of is?) but about whether you recover, and he thinks Denise recovered brilliantly well. If you count “sitting in the splits for 10 seconds with your face in James’ bollocks” as “brilliant”. Maybe you do. I’ve seen you on twitter. Alright, there was a blunder, so she can’t get a 10 (except maybe from Bruno) but WEW DONE ANYWAY FOR NOT DYING AND STUFF!

Up the Tessanine they fluff and

James is still going. Denise tells everyone not to be mean, because she knows James feels really bad about how he let her down! Also please vote for her. Tess then says that nobody would have even noticed the mistake if James hadn’t mentioned it (!!!!) and James explains to her it was the bit where they just stood there shimmmying with frozen faces for 5 seconds. Tess is all “WELL COVERED!”. Maybe she’s just lowered her standards for “covering mistakes” after spending 10 years working with Bruce. Tess closes by asking Denise if she thinks she’s beaten the CURSE OF THE SALSA and Denise frets that she hopes so. Meanwhile in the background they’re so bored with this carry-on that Nicky just starts playing with

Michael’s shirt. Scores are in

32. Same as her jive (LOL FOREVER). Just for the record, other than Michael’s samba, which got 7, Darcey has scored EVERY SINGLE DANCE TONIGHT EXACTLY THE SAME. Kimberley’s Jive, Tracy’s Viennese Waltz, Nicky’s Argentine Tango, Lisa’s Quickstep, Denise’s Salsa. All 8. What a load.

Louis Smith & Flacia Cacace & His Fabulous Magical Journey dancing the Charleston

Already the audience are screaming like Elvis joined The Beatles. Bruce tells us all that he was chatting with Louis about the next Olympics. I think that might be…a tad optimistic on your part Bruce. Maybe. 2016? Hmmm… Of course

Bruce then makes the same joke. I like that we have at least that overlap in our sense of humour. The overlap of making jokes about Bruce Forsythe dying.

VT time now, and we immediately start with Louis protesting that he feels like he was in character last weekend, and that he really performed the routine, but it was just sad that the judges couldn’t see it. Still, this week he’s going to really go for it, and make sure that he gives the judges both technique AND a performance.

I think this is actually where Louis’ flat affect does him a favour, because he’s basically just said what Lisa said about her rumba, but because he’s not got his face scrunched up like someone just pushed in front of him on the tube, nobody seems to care. Well…that and because of their ovaries obviously.

Training now, and Louis, indeed has the Charleston. He says that this is a great opportunity for him to show that he CAN act because it’s a very stagey sort of dance.

Those aren’t jazz hands Louis. Not even close.

To help Louis unleash his inner Bonnie Langford, Flavia has finally caved and brought in an

acting coach, as though this “journey” storyline couldn’t get more contrived. I guess we can at least count ourselves lucky it’s not BARROWMAN. Or Diet Barrowman, and his pen. Given his passive-aggressive remarks when he was on the Friday Panel, you know they could have relied on him to join the Battle Against Denise Van Ringer.

Anyway, the upshot is that the acting coach tells Louis the secret to winning Strictly – regress to behaving like a 4 year old and pull lots of funny faces.

Well it worked for Chris Hollins, so why not? After about 20 minutes with Louis the acting coach is gushing about how Louis had these emotions and this performance skill inside him the whole time, and all it took was his tuition and guidance to bring them out.

Yes dear, you’ve unleashed the new Larry Olivier, calm down. Flavia says that this is a critical stage of the competition, so she’s going to go out there fighting on Saturday Night (as anyone who saw her TRANSCENDANTLY bitchy appearance on It Takes Two this week can tell you, she started before Saturday Night) and Louis closes by saying that he’s received lots of criticism from the judges, so he’s going to go now and put them into

action! It’s like Meryl Streep walks amongst us isn’t it?

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

What I like about this routine is its consistency. They’re dancing to a song about a doctor, and the routine is doctor themed, so of course they project an image from an opticians onto the floor and have Louis dressed like

this. OF COURSE. Perfect sense. They’re dancing to something called “Dr Wannado”, which is apparently by Strictly Results Show Legend Caro Emerald and is all about shagging your gynaecologist or something. What a liberated woman that Caro Emerald is.

As a Charleston I quite like it – there’s lots of swivvel and looseness, all with a certain strength underlying it, and we all know I’m a sucker for big dumb gymnastic tricks, and there are several.



There’s also generally a minimum of aimless running around, shuffling along on your arse, and pointless foof flashing which can only be a good thing. In terms of the necessary faces for his big stupid magical journey




they’re all there as well. I mean…I enjoy them as much as I enjoy any Charleston faces, which is not at all, but at least they’re there. Of course it’s impossible to tell what this means in the long-term because they’re clearly INCREDIBLY affected, as Charleston faces are supposed to be. It remains to be seen whether he can do rumba-face for example. I live in hope.

GURN O’CLOCK!

The dance gets a stompy, raucous, quite frankly aroused standing ovation from those watching. Nicolas Owen in particular is

tumescent. Even Brucie gets it on it, giving Louis two fist-bumps and a

high-five that gets left a bit hanging. Poor Bruce. He just wants to be cool. By the time he’s finally got the audience to shut up, it’s time for Craig to hove in, and make sure we all know that the journey is not quite done yet. He liked Louis’ acrobatic skills and at LONG LAST (having just started complaining about this last week) HE SAW SOME PERSONALITY FROM LOUIS.

Calm down Flavia. He’s not scored the thing yet. Darcey follows, and says that she loved the insane doctor.

Was he suppsoed to be insane? I guess it’s safe to assume that everyone involved in a Charleston is at the manic part of their bipolar cycle, but I don’t know about insane. Anywho, Darcey now believes Louis to be a silent movie star, and she thought the tricks had the “wow factor”. Ugh. Stop saying “wow factor”. I enjoyed them, but he’s an Olympic Medal winning gymnast. I did not go “wow”. I didn’t think he just walked up and down a balance beam in his knickers twirling a ribbon on a stick.

Len is next, yelling

“SHUT UP, CLOSE THE DOOR, AND CALL ME MARY!”. Shan’t. He too is glad that Louis has a personality and also that he CAME AHT and performed. At this

Flavia’s joygasms continue. I love that Flavia’s only way of demonstrating positive emotion is to hurl her head about will-nilly. Bruno closes by asking Louis if he does house calls. I’m not sure that sort of treatment is offered on the NHS Bruno, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask. He tells Louis that he’s really glad that he’s showed his FUN SIDE, and that now he can truly say that he’s a CONTENDER (/had this competition wrapped up since about a month ago).

Bruce sends them off up to the Tessanine, and I’m surprised that some of the female audience members don’t start crawling up after him, like some sort of sexified zombie apocalypse, such as their squeals and groans. Once up there, Tess congratulates up on his standing ovation, like he hasn’t got one every week, regardless of how he danced, even for his PASO DOBLE. Louis beams that now that Louis is out it’s going to be very hard to get him back in.

Sure. Just don’t pull those faces in your Argentine Tango Louis. It might have worked for Jason, it’s not going to work for you. Tess reminds us that Bruno – Official Kingmaker of Strictly, has dubbed him a contender, and Louis then decides to recount for us his Strictly journey so far. He started off

up here, but then he fell

down there, but now he’s back on top again. Wow. His storytelling really HAS improved. Tess asks if his acting coach really helped him on his Bullshit Strictly Journey, and he says that he did.

Well…we’ll see about that one. He and Flavia have a good laugh about how he could have rendered her infertile with half those tricks if they’d gone wrong, ho ho ho. Scores are in

37. Sit down madam, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Final Leaderboard.

TRAINWRECK WEEK IS OFFICIALLY OVER!

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24 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Week 9 Performance

  1. Monaogg

    Tess has really got the “wont someone rid me of this turbulent Bruce” face almost frozen in place now.
    I really can’t believe 5 of the 7 were exactly the same in terms of marks Darcey???

    Hilarious re-cap as always.

    Reply
  2. Doktorb

    Fantastic as ever. There is a broken link at the Lisa judges stage but by the tone of the follow up paragraph it’s probably best if it’s not fixed…

    Reply
  3. Jenny

    Thank you 🙂

    Pedant alert: That’s Amore is set in Napoli, Gondolas are in Venice. That’s like having a song about Torquay set in the Lake District, shame on Vincent for allowing that!

    I missed Flavia’s bitchiness on ITT – what did she do?

    RIP Nat&Michael – I so wanted them to make the final. I guess I am left supporting Louis & Flavia now – but it has nothing to do with my OVARIES!

    Reply
    1. Olly

      “It’s VERY disappointing that the judges seemed to be marking only on performance” and “of course, anyone who’s had dance experience before, musical theatre, stage school has a huge advantage, once you have any training it becomes natural…”. The only way she could have been more overt was if she’s jumped on the sofa Tom Cruise style and screamed ALL THE GIRLS LEFT ARE FAHKIN’ RINGAHS!

      Reply
      1. Left Feet

        Was she complaining when she had Matt Diangelo who went to Sylvia Youngs no of course she was not. Flavia should get on with her job and shut moaning about anybody else. What is it about the female pros whne they get a contender they go batshit crazy, Look at Kristina last year and Camilla every year.

  4. ooh

    Excellent deconstruction of the Lisa event! I am starting to feel sorry for Denise now, so if it’s a triple-bluff it’s working. Although James throwing himself on his sword is LOL.
    I think Craig was wittering about ‘battements’, which is some leg-flicky thing I remember from ballet classes (RINGER)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I love how Craig has RAMPED UP the ballet terms just because he’s sat next to Darcey. Meanwhile she’s talking about BEAUTIFUL NECKLACES and just making everything about everybody’s cores.

      Reply
  5. Poppy

    It may have been a trainwreck of a show, but it’s vintage Monkseal this week. Too much wondrousness to pick out favourites, I was laughing very loudly all the way through. That screen cap of Nat after the “Swinging both ways” comment deserves to become your stock shot for “queasy OMG face”. Classic.

    Thank you so much!

    Reply
  6. Lucy

    Oh, Michael. *facepalms* You’re still totally my favourite J-word contestant ever, but I wish you’d have just smiled and nodded when Bruno started talking rubbish. Or looked puzzled and disappointed, whilst Natalie looked shocked (again). Or got some more practice in your Sassy Bitch expression.

    (Also? Who wouldn’t want to see Kristina get drunk during a Jive and punch someone out? That’d be worth a ten right there.)

    Reply
  7. FOOF

    I noticed at the start you put ‘lets welcome the stars of our show’ and ONLY posted a pic of Lurch and The Flav?? Fruedian blogging Monkseal? Hmm? 😀

    Oh and anyone else notice that during Kimbers ‘Tessanine standing ovation’, both Kimberley and Pasha are stood up there with everyone else (right at the back of the shot)
    MAGIC!! Are you call her dull, bet the others can’t put themselves in two places at once LOL.

    Reply
  8. seminaranalyse

    Thanks monkseal, for the amazing recap as always. The nancy-Poll was just like the original Nancy: Made no sense, babbliing nonsense and totally amazing. Loved it. The stereotyped dance poll was also amazing.
    I think i’m in a totally chaos-mode. I want a Maloney win for x-factor and Lisa-win for strictly. Both wins have the most ground for totally chaos.
    I like Darcey, but she never gets scoring and comments equally good. As a whole season i don’t think season 10 is as good as last year.

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