Is this shit still on?
Christopher Maloney : Did ever a collective shudder go through the nation more violently than when we all heard what this week’s theme was? Haven’t we all heard enough about his nan by now? I don’t need to know that he calls her “The Boss”, especially as that’s the name Jimmy Saville apparently used to call his dead mum who everybody always assumed he was shagging. Anyway, this was the week that the judges all had to grit their teeth and pretend that Christopher Maloney was either likable or a good singer, because them being “EVEL BULLIES!” to him has become a scandal that threatens to destroy the fabric of The X Factor etc etc forever and ever amen. It’s just a shame that the task of “giving fair and honest and conciliatory critique” was given primarily to Tulisa, who couldn’t fake geniality if her new single depended on it. As such we got her pretending that she liked a performance (“You Raise Me Up”) that she clearly hated, then crashing headlong into one of the worst performance ever on the X Factor stage (“Haven’t Met You Yet”) and finding herself actually incapable of anything that she could fake that she found tolerable about. I mean…I sympathise, because that noise was HORRIFIC, but she’s being paid enough to grind out a “that’s exactly the sort of song you should be singing!” about it. I do love that that’s the market the show has ear-marked Maloney for as well – the mums who buy Josh Groban and Michael Buble albums. Of course the issue there is that people want to DO Josh Groban and Michael Buble. I think every human being ALIVE would have sex with at least one of them (I’m a Groban guy myself). I’m not sure how many women are sat at home frotting themselves silly over Christopher Maloney, or makes Eoin McLove look like a raw ball of animal sexuality. Ah well, on to the final, and a Maloney win in the NAME OF POST-MODERN IRONY AND MAKING SIMON COWELL CRY INTO HIS BIG PILES OF MONEY IN HIS LA MANSION. WOO-HOO.
Jahmene Douglas : Oh Jahmene. Poor Jahmene. Poor Jahmene and your dead brother and your rotten dad and your mother’s unfortunate hair. Has the hopes of the PURITY OF THE X FACTOR ever rested on such fragile innocent shoulders as yours? Are you really strong enough to be used as the Puppet-Ruler of the nans, waves repeatedly in front of their faces by the shows producers, to try to persuade them that you are actually cuter than Christopher Maloney? LOOK! LOOK AT HIS WIDDLE HEAD! Unfortunately this weekend the producers resorted to the trick of making him sing his audition song again, which is the clearest way this show has of saying “…yeah, we’ve got nothing”. I’m always mildly glad for these moments, as I never watch auditions, so it’s nice to know what humble beginning these people come from, X Factor journey wise. And a soulless anonymous version of “At Last” is about as humble as it gets. Still, he should feel honoured that Nicole humbled herself before him by making one of his VTs all about her and her rocky road to fame. Why stop at that one embarassing audition Nicole? Why not showed him when you cried all over Dancing With The Stars about what a true artist you were and how nobody understood your perfectionist pain? How about when you got fired from X Factor USA? And The Sing-Off? And the first crappy attempt you made at a solo career? What about when you made Rachel Crow cry and all those interviews where the other Pussycat Dolls talk about what a massive pain in the arse egomaniac you are? THERE WERE SO MANY OTHER MOMENTS YOU COULD HAVE SHARED SCHERZINGER! THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE INSIGHT YOU COULD GIVE!
Union Jizz : Has ever a week of X Factor ever felt so redundant? I mean…last week was pretty redundant as well, as it was so clearly Rylan’s time to go. But that week had Rylan in it, whereas Union Jizz’s Lap Of Dishonour didn’t. Maybe they should have gone last week, whilst we were still all so excited that a gay person had happened on this programme, rather than dragging their arses through this week, donig ballid after ballid after ballid after ballid. So many ballids. I think the most mawkish moment was when they all basically went “we want to tell our fans that they’re beautiful despite being physically reprellant, because that’s what One Direction do” and sang yet another Emily Sunday song. It’s so sad that Emily Sunday is now the level at which this show feels most comfortable trading. You could see the aching discomfort when they had P!nk on, and basically had to tell her that they considered her to be a performer at the same level of importance as Emily Sunday and Tulisa, and she was NOT HAPPY. And let’s face it, P!nk is basically just the Avril Lavigne who didn’t drown. After that they made Louis wear a onesie, and everyone acted like it was hilarious and SO OUT OF CHARACTER when it’s been clear that Louis will do literally anything this show tells him to, because he finds being The X Factor’s personal butt monkey hilarious. There’s no humiliating someone who’s spent the last 10 years doing most of the legwork towards that himself. We’re in a series where “Uncle Louis” happened people, this is nothing. Still…NEXT BIG BOYBAND yes?
James Arthur : I’m not sure if this show realises just how much Tulisa is not an arbiter of credibility. And it’s not as though she can just call people “credible” as a bland makeweight compliment and that’s fine, like if she said “you made that song your own” or “great vocal performance”. Tulisa calling someone credible, INSTANTLY AND FOREVER robs them of all credibility and authenticity. They actually STOP BEING ABLE TO PLAY THE GUITAR right there on the spot. They no longer have the superpower to make pop songs better by slowing them down a bit. It’s INSTANT INDIE DEATH. You can sing all the U2 songs you want, and make yourself out to be a bigger Working Class Hero than John Lennon himself. Your long slow descent into the firey pit of MOR hell has begun, and churning out even more twee versions of songs off the John Lewis adverts (EVEN MORE TWEE THAN THAT) is only the first step. You’ll be duetting with Katy Perry in the final before you know it James. I hope you’re happy.