Oh Lord. Basically everything about this results show was a terrifying unpredictable mess apart from the result, which was so predictable that everyone predicted it halfway through the Performance Show and started doing their goodbye speeches as a result. The opening pro dance is some sort of sexified 1920s filth Charleston about he decadence of the interwar period. I believe James described it as being “inspired by Gatsby” on It Takes Two during the week, and if that’s the case then Brenda is Gatsby (OF COURSE HE IS) Natalie is Daisy (complete with SUPER AWESOME A+ wig-work), Artem is Tom Buchanan (but less punchy), Karen is Myrtle (and barely less dopey looking), Pasha is wooby narrator Nick (bah-duh) and Aliona is that slapper who he dumps at the end. I forget her name. She was quite the slapper though. Everyone else is a waiter. I may be overthinking this. By “Gatsby inspired” James probably meant that they’re wearing waistcoats. Nobody gets run over by a car. Unless you count Tess’ evening wear.
Our backstage guide this week is “Jive Bunny”. Enough said.
Our musical guests this week are JLS, who are apparently still a thing that happen, even if their songs now are just all the ones rejected by both The Wanted AND One Direction. And given the songs they’ve put out, that’s quite some quality control slippage. Marvin’s less fit than he used to be as well, for shame. Oh and there’s also Alfie Boe again, doing his not quite operatic singing through another MOR Radio 2 classic (in this case “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”) still looking like the Dec from an Ant & Dec themed gay porno. He’s accompanied by Artem and Aliona, performing a truly MANIC rumba, presumably just so she can prove that she can still dance at speed without bits dropping off all over the dancefloor.
Len’s Glans focuses almost not at all on the dances, or even on the judges WACKY ANTICS for once, but on the judges saying “LISA IS POPULAR!” and “LOUIS SURE DID FINISH THAT JOURNEY!” repeatedly, ignoring the fact that “Louis’ Journey” started a week ago with them even if it did start 7 weeks ago with everybody else. My favourite part is when Craig flat out lies that he’s never scored Louis higher than a 6 before, which is frankly BIZARRE. There was I thinking the scripting for this show was simplistic but apparently…not enough for Craig. We also, for whatever reason, get more “Jive Bunny”.
Our Bottom 2? Well, after Denise acts terrified some more and the judges put Kimberley in the “last to be called safe” slot again (because they be bitches like that), it’s time for this year’s Bromance to be disassembled, as Michael and Nicky both reap the whirlwind of their ugly dance draw and wind up facing off in the dance-off, with Michael going home and Natalie giving him a great big wert sloppy goodbye.
But the BIGGEST random news of the show is the reveal that next week’s theme is “Dance Fusion”, an idea nicked from Dancing With The Stars, wherein our contestants perform two different genres of dance in the space of 90 seconds to the same song. It’s an idea that finished a GLORIOUS 5th in my “Which DWTS gimmick would you like to see on Strictly?” poll, finishing barely 1% ahead of “Country Music Week”. Worse than that, THINK OF MY SPREADSHEETS!
MY BELOVED SPREADSHEETS!