I can’t believe she got eliminated and nobody died…
We begin as…
oh Christ Anton, BadWordGate was only three years ago. You probably should have waited a little bit longer before trying to get away with blacking up. No? It’s not Anton?
Oh, ok. And he’s brought some friends! What % of the audience for this show do you think were saying “oooh, my grand-daughter LOVES JLS!” at this point? The answer, of course, you ageist schmucks, is 0% because nobody likes JLS any more. It’s ALL about One Direction. For those of you not learned in reality tv dance troupes, these fine young gentlemen are Flawless, who I would claim were robbed of winning Britain’s Got Talent 3, but then apparently that’s Piers Morgan’s opinion, so I am biologically incapable of sharing it. The only BGT collaborations I would find preferable would be Natalie teaching Pudsey The Dancing Dog how to quickstep, and of course, anything involving this SHOWBIZ LEGEND.
Flawless are here, incidentally, to perform some sort of tribute to Michael Jackson. Because why not? It’s all a chance for the female pros to get their revenge for the male pros’ “Magic Mike” routine from a few weeks back, by getting a pro dance (sort) of their own. A street-dance/Latin fusion dance which is why
Erin is somewhere towards the back, whilst Kristina, Ola and Karen are rubbing their boobies all up in my face. As usual with these things, it takes far too long to get to a Michael Jackson song I recognise, although I can’t tell how much of that is because 90’s Michael Jackson sucks balls (METAPHORICAL OF LEGAL AGE BALLS, CALM DOWN), and how much of that is because of the singers. There’s also not nearly enough crotch-grabbing going on.
Which is not a complaint I’ve had of this show often.
The absolute joy that some of these women get just from wiggling their bum about in their pants is
truly inspirational, none the less. And it’s Flawless, so I’m satisfied. We sadly close with “Shake Your Body (Down To The Ground)” not, say with Aliona choreographing a moving contemporary piece about struggle to “Earth Song”. Imagine how epic that would have been. Instead?
Speaking of “just pants”
this is the judges joining in with their very own special Michael Jackson tribute. The only remotely convincing part of it is Darcey’s nose. (OH NO HE DIDN’T!) Craig’s dancing is, as ever, almost as much of a delight as his singing. PLEASE SING FOR US AT CHRISTMAS AGAIN CRAIG! PLEASE!
Once they’ve done yelling the lyrics of Billie Jean to one another, it’s time to introduce our hosts.
It’s like a very special episode of “Secret Diary Of A Call Girl” when she stays behind and befriends a chambermaid who has to clean up after her epic filth sessions isn’t it? Claudia opens by telling us that tonight has more music from The Script
“than you could ever want to hear” finishes off her face and every emotion it portrays, the dance-off and just what we’ve been waiting for all series.
Len’s Al Jolson tribute act “My Owld Mammys Knicker Elastic”. Can’t WAIT. Tess reminds us that last week our remaining celebrities “ripped up the dancefloor” as opposed to the week before, when Lisa Riley ripped up her vulva in that splits. Now there was some post-watershed injury porn. Anyway, they apparently did all this ripping up to avoid being in the “dance-off”. At the second mention of “dance-off”, Tess and Claudia perform some sort of
super-girl team-up power-stance move. I really feel they’re what The Avengers movie was missing.
After the judges are introduced (with Len and Bruno still titting around with those hats), it’s time to go Backstage With Brenda.
Just out of shot is a little suitcase full of tickets to “Brenda Cole : LIVE AND UNJUDGED” and mix-tapes that he’s made that they won’t play on Radio 1 even though he is a STAH and home-made t-shirts with Hayley Holt! scribbled through with black marker pen. COME ON LADIES, HE’S GOT TO MAKE A LIVING! He’s also pulling double duty as, with the good man himself out of the competition and rehearsing for the Christmas Special, he’s got to
meet and greet Anton’s celebrity dance partner for next year. Yes, it’s the lead-singer of chart-topping act “The Zimmers”! (…bloody popstar ringah).
Once we’re done with the life and times of Brenda Cole – Used Car Salesman and Motivational Speaker it’s time to get on with learning things about Strictly, via this very special insight into the backstage shenanigans of the hit BBC 1 reality dance competition.
KIMBERLEY’S HAVING CHIPS! ; Tracy was sporting a weave on Saturday Night, in honour of Beyonce ; Louis was sporting his own hair on Saturday, in honour of the Sydney Opera House ; they let Louis have a go with the cameras this week which would explain why the camerawork was the way it was (ie much better than usual) ; this
may be my favourite picture of Flavia ever ; Karen loves shaking her boobs a little…too much ; Lisa Riley’s Chelsee Healey impersonation is
uncanny to a level that freaks Pasha out ; Robin almost missed the show due to his customary pre-shop nap (/”nap” ; The SAMBA IS A PARTY DANCE ; Pasha thinks that Kimberley should smile in every dance from now on
whereas I have mixed emotions on that front ; Victoria tried her best, but it just so happens that her best is bottom of the leaderboard/forgetting the entire routine/garotting herself/invading France with a toothpick ; Lisa was
TOTALLY FINE WITH THE JUDGES COMMENTS, YES SHE WAS ; Bruno was off having a fag during certain points of the filming
; Darcey & Craig envy him.
Are you ready for our first round of Safety Sex-Faces? We’re getting near the end, so it’s an ever-decreasing joy.
Wow. So it can reach around corners as well. The mind boggles. Our first couple in the dance-off are
these two, which means that there’s actually somebody on stage wishing that Victoria’s in the Bottom Two even more than she is for once. Tess tells everyone else remaining that they can relax for now, unless they’re Denise, in which case she can continue living her life in readiness for a SHOCK BOTTOM TWO AT ALL TIMES like a coiled spring that occasionally goes off and proings Lee Mead in the eye. Last night they were engaged in the art of making love (whilst sat on a chair, probably) and he whispered “pants off” in her ear and they spent the rest of the night in A & E trying to get the fork out of his forehead.
Tess reminds Bruno that he told Michael that he didn’t see the chemistry between him and Natalie on the dance-floor last weekend, so what should he do to show it in the dance-off? I hope it involves pinching Vincent’s arse again. That was hilarious. Bruno of course just wibbles on about passion and purpose and the true meaning of the sweaty pampers and so on.
Up to Claud 9 now, with our
few safe couples. Claudia gushes that Nicky’s reaction to being called safe was SO CUTE and so on. I hope one day Claudia does the converse and tells people off for not looking excited enough that they were safe (…Louis). It’d make Safety Sex-Faces a lot easier if people were competing for Claudia’s love, rather than just mine. Claudia then asks Nicky if he expected to be in the dance-off, and Nicky replies that yes he did, because lord knows after the SHOCKER that was last week and his MASSIVE LEADERBOARD TUMBLE, any extra week’s a bonus. He grins that he’s really happy he got his first 9s this series anyway. Flavia looks
SO PLEASED FOR HIM THAT SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY BURST INTO FLAMES.
ENGAGES THE RAGE as she discusses with Louis how “bonkers” the judges were at the weekend about his paso and how he easily could have gone home (lol). Louis responds that it’s getting to that stage now where everyone thinks every week is their last, and he’d really felt like his paso doble might have been a step up after his lacklustre Wembley, but apparently not. Next week : Charleston. (OH JOY). Clearly this is going to be a “make or break” week for Louis and, by extension, Flavia’s sanity.
We close with Claudia discussing the frankly
ear-splitting scream Kimberley produced when she was declared safe, and Kimberley giggles herself into a stupor over it. I have to say, Kimberley slowly discovering that she might be gradually becoming less unpopular is truly a highlight of this series, for me. To think, the only interesting storyline we had at this stage last year was “will Alex Jones get her bedtime pushed back to 8:00?” and “where’s Nancy gone, I miss Nancy, when’s she coming back?”.
Next up, because we’re apparently struggling for filler, it’s time for a plug for It Takes Two. If you’re not watching, here’s what you’re missing :
Imagine that screaming “FABOOOOLUSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” every 5 seconds like Charlotte Church sacking her mother but more high-pitched and operatic. That’s it. That’s the whole show. You can thank me for the warning later.
Advert over with, it’s time for Len’s Glans. Which apparently is another thing that Claudia has invented a hand-signal for
and possibly a whole body signal, if the squished together knees are supposed to indicate “time for a piss-break”. In our first segment, Claudia tells us that at home we probably think the judges arrive somberly, filing on without making a fuss before calmly sitting in their chairs. I refuse to indulge any segment that starts from such a blatantly untrue premise. Nobody has ever imagined Bruno like that EVER. Indeed, we are then “treated” to a shot of Len walking on spanking his own arse. How marvellous.
Next, Claudia whines at him for being mean to Louis (/telling Louis to have a performance breakthrough for God’s sake because we’re almost near the end of the series and we’re nearing our most inexpressive winner since Kerplunk and even she had the excuse of…erm…”Lulu’s Hairdresser”) and then pulls up lots of clips of Louis trying to emote but failing horribly. Len’s face throughout
is a picture. DO NOT QUESTION LEN CLAUDIA, LEN IS LAW! They’ve really drifted since she stopped feeling up his bony knob every week haven’t they? Next up we’re reminded that Darcey said that Nicky’s Charleston reminded her of Oscar Winning Movie “The Artist” and Claudia beams that they made Darcey a very special present as a result.
Wow. They really shouldn’t have. Darcey yells that Nicky should be an actor professionally.
We then replay Craig talking about Kimberley thumbing Pasha’s crack again. We discover that he was talking about the crack of Pasha’s armpit. Because a normal person says “the crack of his armpit” rather than just “armpit”…why am I talking about “normal people” in the context of Craig again? Anyway Craig then thumbs Bruno’s crack
to show what he meant. (COME ON GOOGLE HITS!) We also get a quick run through Kimberley’s pout in slow-motion, just so we can fully appreciate the jut.
It’s like one of those duck/rabbit optical illusion pictures isn’t it?
Next up is a reminder of Tracy Beaker’s Tribute To Beyonce.
Except that Beyonce would never wear canary yellow. Bruno assures us that there was some samba in there, amidst all the “quotations of Beyonce” (“shall I compare thee to Kelly Rowland? Thou art more lovely and less likely to try and gank my solo lines”) and it was very good samba. Honest. We then watch Bruno do the Single Ladies dance whilst Tracy danced. It’s a bit like when Liza Minelli turned up in Sex In The City 2, but even more tragic. Upon seeing himself on screen in playback, Bruno yells “I NEED A SHAVE!”. Apparently, so did Liza.
To close out, we discover why Len and Bruno were laughing after Darcey scored Lisa 6. It’s because they
find one another hilarious, do try to look surprised. Apparently they did a Vic Reeves Handbag “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! face and noise in unison, and that was enough to have them paralised with giggles. And you wonder why Bruce’s jokes aren’t funnier. They’d never get anything done.
Speaking of cracking up over utterly immature things
there we are. This leaves our Bottom Two before the Bottom Two as Lisa & Robin vs Victoria & Brenda. Lisa is at this point so far nuzzled into Robin’s boobs I’m worried he might actually start
breast-feeding her. And what a sight that would be. Fortunately for her, and for Victoria, and indeed, I sense for us all
the end of PENDLEDRAMA is nigh. Just look at the relief on that man’s face – it’s like he’s ascending to heaven. I swear, it’s the closest I’ve ever seen anyone come to obnoxiously mouthing “THANK YOU! OH THANK YOU!” down the cameralens after being called NOT safe. Victoria for her part just shrugs her shoulders.
Tess turns to Darcey and reminds her that at the weekend she praised Victoria’s “armography and core strength”, all with a
“really, you said that, no, you did, and we hired you because of your dance expertise, go figure” look on her face. Darcey’s all “yeah…erm…do out there and have a party Pendles. Really enjoy what most definitely might not be your last dance!”.
Such words of wisdom impareted, it’s back off up the wooden steps to Claud 9 we go, where Claudia is in the middle of chiding
our three saved ladies for being so bloody miserable. You were all saved weren’t you? CHEER UP. Tracy boo-hoos that that bit what she just did is REALLY HARD and they should just not eliminate people. Claudia rolls her eyes at camera and says she’ll ask her bosses how they’d feel about the super-happy-funtime-everybody-wins show. Denise, with her hand on her stomach like she’s trying to stop herself hyperventilating, talks about her palpitations and her racing heart and how terrified she was. James then talks about how, in the wake of Kimberley and NICKY being in the Bottom 2, he just knows that anything could happen and it SCARES him. Lisa then complains about how her scores were low and the judges are all PHILISTINES some more. Honestly, this is the worst Claud 9 EVAH. And what do we follow it up with?
Old Earnest Chops from The Voice. He’s just cleaned himself up from spooging all over himself both times Darcey said “artist”. I eagerly await the day that any of the contestants from The Voice get to perform in a guest slot on Strictly (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!). I trust everyone’s preparing themselves for the next series of The Voice incidentally. That alcohol isn’t going to buy itself. At some point
Pasha and Karen come out and do a dance, even though Pasha is supposed to be partnered with Aliona, and Karen is supposed to be partnered with Artem, although Pasha is still touring with Katya and has also partnered Iveta. He’s such a slut isn’t he?
Then Danny From The Script starts grinding his crotch at the audience
rapping at them to be teachers, politicians, business analysts, marine biologists, dental hygienists, marketing executives and sex therapists and bartenders and pharmaceutical sales representatives but do it IN THA HALL OF FAME and honestly it may be the lowest point music has reached on this show, and YES I AM INCLUDING ANDY WILLIAMS IN THAT.
Did The Stereophonics ever do Strictly? That might have been worse. As if to prove my point Darcey starts doing a weird punchy dance to it that they DEFINITELY never did in no National Ballet.
Once we’re suitably cleansed, it’s back off up to Claud 9 before our final face-off.
I’m surprised she’s not wearing a full hazmat suit given that all the unstable elements in Victoria are about to reach their critical mass. She tweaks PENDLEDRAMA’s cheeks and tells her good luck before she sends her off to the inevitable.
BOO HOO! Craig saves Michael for “smashing” his performance in the dance-off, Darcey does it without giving an explanation, and Bruno saves “the best performer”. Len is asked, and agrees after the fact, leaving us only time for a
PENDLEMELTDOWN OF NUCLEAR PROPORTIONS. She giggles that she would have saved Michael too, she wails about the Olympics, she weeps all over Brendan about how he was such an amazing partner, she grins her head off over the hair and make-up and the dresses and she whimpers that she needs a holiday now.
Yes you do Victoria. Yes you do.
And here, for all its fans, is this segment of the recap