THE MID-LIFE MASSACRE IS COMPLETED!
We begin, as
Brenda arrives in his time-travelling Delorean from the future. Who knows why he’s wearing tin-foil? Maybe it’s a time-travel thing. He has come to seduce and destroy the women of the 1950s, as there where his whole vibe really works best. He walks into a diner, to pull, but
everyone’s too busy choking on Len’s Knickerbocker Glory to approach him. Seriously Len, that “chocolate sauce” tastes like melted window putty. As such Brendan has to make do with some
drunken blonde who’s been hanging out back round the bins. Girl is WASTED. To provide a distraction, Brenda flips a coin in the air and it miraculously lands in the jukebox (I think he was aiming for the condom machine) which starts up Bill Haley & The Comets, so everyone does a 50s ROCK AND ROLL JIVE.
Even 50s Anton & 50s Erin. I love how everyone else has travelled BACKWARDS in time whereas these two have come forwards. A smidge. Fortunately Brenda needs Anton’s Latin as a distraction for only as long as it takes him to seal the deal with his bin floozy. So…37 seconds then, and then everything turns into EFFING GREASE.
I’m guessing Brenda wandered back in time into somebody’s high-school party, in which case he’d better hope that Floozy McBlonde was in the graduating class. I’m guessing Richard & Darcey are the teachers yes?
Anyway, the schoolkids (and even less convincing ones than the ones in the film, age-wise) traipse off to some fairground just like they do at the end of Grease. It’s where they learn the film’s vital lesson – change to please your boyfriend because otherwise he’ll dump you for someone who’ll put out. Craig sadly
chose to stay just as he was, and therefore isn’t going to gets anybody kissing him in the kiosk any time soon. Shame. We all now that Craig would have suited a pneumatic catsuit and high-heels. Everyone seems so happy and young and joyous to be recreating THE WORST FILM OF ALL TIME, so for once I’m actually glad to see
Louis hating the whole thing.
Finally, this whole mess rapidly descending into pepto-bismol coloured time paradox chaos, Tess and Claudia appear from the future
in a time-travelling dodgem (shush, it’s the only thing that insurance will cover Tess driving) to bring Brenda back to the future, and save all humanity from being forced to live out Grease forever, singing “Summer Nights” off-key and having stupid fake pregnancy scares. Or even worse…GREASE 2! But then
OH NO, STUFF HAPPENS, THE END.
Tess and Claudia remove themselves from the wreckage of that routine and wave hello.
Claudia incidentally was bridesmaid at David Mitchell’s wedding earlier today, so is probably missing a pissed-up Victoria Coren singing “Sweet Caroline” on karaoke whilst Giles Coren picks a fist-fight with a waiter over their use of the subjunctive. WHY DO IT GIRL? FOR THIS?! She tells us that tonight is quite frankly the biggest party on television, and the guests have been here for about 10 hours now, so things are getting a little bit fisty. Kylie Minogue is here, celebrating her 25 years in pop (or 20 years, if you remove those 5 years where she was trying to be one of the Manic Street Preachers) (19 if you knock one year off for “Chocolate” as all sane people surely do?) and 5 “Pop Princesses” will be here performing their brand new single. That’s right, it’s GIRLS ALOUD! I’m guessing Sarah Harding is the Princess Michael of Kent in this equation?
Tess reminds us that, just in case there are some people who aren’t hyperventilating at this point (ie, any non-homosexuals in the audience, and I’m sure there must be some, somewhere) that the 9 remaining couples rocked Wembley last night, particularly Lisa, particularly in that splits, and that their votes have been combined with our judges scores and the two couples with the lowest combined totals after deductions have been made for cost of props will play rock-paper-scissors to determine who leaves. Or however the elimination process works on this show. I’m not recapping it, whatever it is. Also
here are our judges. Darcey’s audition for the Dot Stop on Playdays is, sadly, 15 years too late.
Anybody up for a recap? No? Tough. Here’s what we learn :
This woman can’t believe she’s at Wembley and is REALLY EXCITED! ; this woman is
James & Denise’s fan, and that blonde woman on the left there REALLY isn’t ; if you pull the string at the back of Denise’s head too hard
this happens ; Nicky & Michael STILL HAVE BANTER LEFT, YES THEY DO ; Louis is prone to adopting a random Irish accent for absolutely no reason, and at any given moment, it could STRIKE ; that fanfic writers of the world will be glad to learn that
all the male celebs and pros really do get changed in the same room at the same time and that Artem may INDEED have found a disconsolate Nicky Byrne there after the dance-off, in need of compassion, reassurance, and dance-tuition that possibly later turns into something more ; that Anton believes I should “shut up” because he’s at Wembley ; a lost Pasha is
an adorable Pasha ; that these backstage segments mostly exist for me to
find new members of the show’s crew to have a mild crush on (he’s still got nothing on the SEXY MUMMY though) ; Lisa was
very much still going backstage after her dance ; Denise was very happy she embodied the Charleston perfectly, rather than ashamed, like she should have been (BLOODY CHARLESTONS!) ; Louis believes that performing that dance was as nerve-wracking as competing at the Olympic Games ; Louis should think about how awful it was having to watch the thing before complaining; backstage both Pasha and the Kimbot suffered
minor malfunctions ; Kimberley saying “thank you” after Len told her that if she’s in the dance-off then he’ll pickle his walnuts really tickles me for some reason ; Michael
“hasn’t had that feeling since 2005” (well…Mrs Michael WILL be pleased tonight…) ; Len would like the show to be at Wembley every week (NO!); and that some pictures of Len need no build-up, context or discussion
to be both hilarious and disturbing.
Are you ready for some Wembley-style Strictly Safety Sex-Faces?
Oh yeah. Particularly Denise. Never has someone top of the leaderboard felt such surprise and relief at being safe. Poor Denise. Anywho, first in our Wembley Bottom Two are
these two. I swear, Erin just went to an Erin Island WITHIN Erin Island. This is worse than Inception. Actually, scratch that, it can’t be WORSE than Inception because it hasn’t even got Ellen Page in it. Tess tells everyone else to relax, like that’s possible for Kimberley. There’s nothing in that whole arena tighter and under more strain, except possibly the crotch of Nicky’s trousers.
Tess turns to Len, and reminds that Richard has survived two dance-offs now, so what can he do to survive the third. Sabotage Victoria’s Flying Chopper, given that she’s the only one he can feasibly beat? Even better, whip Shem’s Speedoes off? Not even Len’s Casting Vote Of Heteronormative Sanity could over-ride that, surely? Len of course doesn’t suggest that, and just gives some meaningless Komedy Konestant waffle about making sure we all have fun watching him. He needs to CAHM AHT and enjoy it. I would suggest that the idea that Richard Arnold of all people needs to CAHM AHT would be ridiculous but after the last few weeks…
Over to the Tesspit now (a Tessanine may be convertable into Claud 9, but NOTHING removes the stench of the Tesspit) where Claudia has
an important announcement. Apparently viewers in Scotland couldn’t see his American Smooth, due to…I don’t know, an Aberdeen Angus chewing on a cable or something, but he’s safe now, so obviously it didn’t make TOO much of a difference to the vote. Phew. She doesn’t mention whether viewers in Scotland couldn’t see Lisa’s samba, which I would would suggest could be the only reason she’s still here. Claudia then gushes at Michael about how AMAZING his American Smooth was, just to wind up Scottish viewers even more. Don’t underestimate the Scottish Vote Claudia! It got…erm…it got Kenny erm…fifth?
Denise also gets cheers from Claudia for her three tens, but
she’s sporting the world’s least flattering fringe whilst doing so, which is saying something, as Claudia’s is right there in shot at the same time. She says to get one 10 would have been a dream (a dream as predictable as one preceded by a whole fridge full of cheese) but three was AMAZING. Just wait until they give you a 40 as a compensation prize for not winning Denise. It’ll surely happen. Claudia then tells Lisa that her favourite part of Lisa’s samba was how she turned into Bonnie Langford on humility-smack afterwards. It wasn’t mine. And that, also, is saying something.
Claudia then COMMANDS that everyone stand up for the next performance.
Yes, I hear that the stage-managers had to force people to do that as well. Hem. They’ve been together FOR A DECADE (apart from the bits when they weren’t), it’s
They’re performing their Children In Need single “Something New”, which is the most ironic Children In Need song since The Spice Girls released a song called “Headlines” that the media UTTERLY IGNORED, BECAUSE IT WAS SHITE. Just like everything else they’ve done since 2008,
NUHDEEN is the only good part. The whole vibe is very “Clothes Show Live” from the tinny beat to the stomping around clothes-horsing. I always love how the HATAHFIED critical response to any Girls Aloud performance is split neatly between those who attack how dog-rough their vocals can be, and those who persist in saying that they mime, just because that’s what we accuse all pop acts of doing, all the time regardless of
Sarah Harding’s existence. What a noise.
THE END! See! I didn’t mention Cheryl Cole once. IT’S NOT THAT HARD, INTERNET! Once it’s over, Tess reminds us that that song is to save starving babies and kids with dead mums and stuff so that’s why it just happened.
There is no such justification for
Len’s Glans. Who could have thought you could make the prospect of Rod Stewart LESS erotic? Claudia beams proudly that the dance-floor at Wembley is six times larger than the one at Television Centre. How much larger is the stupid plinth in the middle, given that’s where most of them spent their entire dance? ANSWER ME THAT, CLAUDIA!
First to be covered are
Bruno and Len’s faces as they rammed into Tess & Claudia in the opening 50s themed dance. Because Wembley was THAT AMAZING that we’re having to grub around in the Results Show for highlights. Think on THAT for a moment. Also, I can exclusively reveal that Denise was going to do that bit, but they were worried about her aggrevating her MILD WHIPLASH. We follow with Len complaining further Louis’ American Smooth just being a “quickstep with lifts”. He thought they should have done lots more soft-shoe-shuffle and stuff out of hold. (*flashback to Kara’s American Smooth anyone?*). Following this we see footage of Lous doing the robot in rehearsals and
bashing her head in frustration. I’m so glad that she actually made it CANON in the Radio Times this week that she feels like his mum. I’ve never felt more prescient.
Next up, we see the behind the scenes magic behind Michael & Natalie’s American Smooth.
I think I preferred the illusion to be honest. Darcey giggles that yes, Michael pulled some faces during that routine. Claudia says HER personal favourite part of Michael’s routine was when Natalie kicked him in the face and he flung his arms about. I would do a picture here, but Natalie’s knicker situation is so precarious as to be obscene.
Our next segment is devoted to Denise’s flaps.
Look, there they are. They’re PRISTINE flaps according to Craig. Darcey for her part coos that Denise’s flaps are identical. Craig goes on to say that he’s not seen anybody’s flaps in a Charleston on Strictly before, and he thinks it’s about time. I think he probably wasn’t paying close enough attention to Hamela’s…Anyway, Craig says the birdy flaps are a really difficult technical maneouvre and yes, I guess comparative to the rest of Charleston, they are. Claudia then tells Craig off for not giving Denise’s flaps a 10, and Craig says it’s because she needed to get her feet together and adjust her knees. This will be different from the excuses he used for the rest of the week, which ran to :
- it was a little bit TOO good
- it’s all comparative, dahling
- I was just saying it for effect
- I DON’T KNOW, OK, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Len then launches into some sort of extended rant about how wrong Craig is every week about everything because Len says so, and then we close on
the most ill-advised bike stunt ever apart from that one time Evel Knieval didn’t come back.
Time now to wring out one or two last Wembley Safety Sex-Faces.
Well those were lame. Apparently, despite Tess screaming “LOUIS AND FLAVIA!!!!!!” so hard that her uvula briefly flew out of her throat (yes, I said her uvula), Flavia didn’t hear it, so Louis has to explain to her that they will in fact be back next week. Flavia – you are never going to win Strictly Sex Faces unless you PAY ATTENTION. You couldn’t even make Top 5 last year with RUSSELL GRANT – WORLD’S BIGGEST OVER-REACTER. Think on.
Oh yeah and
you’re off the hook Kimberley. Hope you enjoyed the fun though.
Tess turns to Craig, and she says in an accusatory fashion that CRAIG said that Nicky BROUGHT WEMBLEY ALIVE and yet here he is in the Bottom Two. WHY IS THIS CRAIG, WHY? Craig replies that it’s because he thinks the public are under-estimating their own power. They really can overturn ANY decision the judges make, so it’s important to vote vote vote. Any decision presumably other than the one made regarding the dance-off? Or can we overturn those as well? Bceuase I can think of a few places to start. Craig then lies that to beat Richard Arnold, Nicky is going to have to be FLAWLESS.
Off to the Tesspit now where
Claudia is calling Kimberley a sweetie-pie and congratulating her on performing so well with Girls Aloud just then. Kimberley sighs that she really thought she was going to be in the dance-off then, and was trying to remember how her dance started. You ran on with a giant tablecloth wedged up your arse Kimberley. Glad to be of help. Claudia then tells Victoria that she had the best entrance that Claudia has ever seen and she looked so relieved to be kept safe. Victoria says she is, and she’d just like to thank everyone who saved her in the public vote, because based on her dancing
SHE SHOULD BE GOING HOME! SHE SHOULD BE IN THE DANCE-OFF AND GOING HOME BUT THANKS FOR KEEPING HER IN EVERYBODY! SHE’S DEAD CHUFFED! SHE’S GOT SALSAMBCHA AGAIN NEXT WEEK, IT’S GOING TO BE SMASHING!
We finally turn to Louis, who LAUNCHES himself at the nation’s ovaries like a gremlin at the wing of a Boeing 747, telling us all that he’s only been on the verge of tears twice in his life, once when we won at ve limpics, and just then when he thought his Strictly Dweam might finally be over. Claudia mercifully cuts through this cheese by yelling that she’d love to see Louis cry.
Flavia looks like she agrees.
the woman with the world’s largest pubic bush. No? Oh.
It’s Kylie. She’s going to be singing The Locomotion but all serious and stuff like it’s a proper song. This is very on-trend at the moment. Pop stars taking their songs, “stripping them back”, slowing them down, adding an acoustic guitar and making them “meaningful”. They apparently think this makes them closer to being “credible artists” when what actually happens is it ends up sounding like an X Factor Theme Week.
That guy on the left in particular looks very much like somebody Brian Friedman would serve up. Kylie stomps around doing choo choo arms, Wembley roars, yadda yadda, you know the rest.
Should have been “Confide In Me”.
And now, the end is drawing near, it’s time for Claudia to chat to our Bottom Two.
She asks Richard if he intends to go out there and have MORE fun, or LESS fun than last time. Richard tells her that he’s going to party like it’s 1983.
That being the date when Erin Island first arose from the sea, with Erin, naked, then emerging from a clam. Claudia wishes him luck, and then Claudia swivels to Karen and Nicky, and says that this must be a shock. Nicky sucks in through his teeth and says that every week there’s a shock. Last week it was Kimberley, this week it’s…him? Nicky, she was 2nd of 10 celebrities. You were 7th (let’s be honest, they aren’t saving him over Louis) of 9. If that’s a shock then
this is the biggest shock since JADE JOHNSON VS JO WOOD! Craig saves Nicky for his “exuberance and energy”, Darcey for his energy and the content of his routine, and Bruno for “power and content”. Whilst Richard
launches himself at both his vanquishers, like the omnisexual pervert he is, Len confirms that he too would have saved Nicky & Karen.
Richard’s goodbye speech is, of course, another luvvie gush of positivity, although it doesn’t quite reach the height of Colin Salmon’s monologue. He tells Erin that he will miss her more than anything, and can’t quite believe she won’t be there in the training room to greet him on Monday morning, but he’ll take her out somewhere special to make up for it. Erin though, outmatches him handily, nigh on breaking into tears, saying that she’s really proud to be able to say that she has taught him to dance, and also to call him
her new husband. Aw. It’s almost as though she CARED this year isn’t it? Richard groans “oh Erin” like a wildebeast’s orgasm and…that’s a fitting end as any to this couple isn’t it?