For once the theme is appropriate, as my major guilty pleasure in my reality tv watching life is watchnig the judges effing LOSE IT when people don’t vote for who they’re supposed to. So thanks Tulisa.
Union Jizz : So Gay Jizz came out in the press this week as being “the gay one”, even though everyone who cared to inevstigate even a little bit already knew he was gay, because both his brother and his boyfriend were all over twitter since the start of the series. But hey, this show needs headlines, and we all know that teen girls now love non-threatening homosexual boys almost as much as they love sparkly vampires and novels about sado-masochistic sex with sparkly vampires, so why not have a coming out party for him? Not ON THE SHOW obviously, because that would be grose, but in the press. Their time on the show this week was too busy being taken up by their trip to Eurodisney, along with all the other contestants, to perform on the front cover of Now 20. Which seems appropriate given the public’s chosen acts this series, in terms of timeliness. It did amuse me that, despite all the shows of public togetherness, Gay Jizz still referred to them as “Triple J & George (aka Puppet Jizz)” for their live performance. So they’re not quite bonded yet. Their live show performance was utterly inessential but livened up mostly by Tulisa whining on that she personally doesn’t like “Call Me Maybe” which…
b) way to miss the point of the theme, ya dullard
c) AHAHAHAHAHAH YOU HAVE NO ACTS LEFT!
Sorry, getting ahead of myself there. Union Jizz survive yet another week beyond Boybandgeddon, and I promise that next week I will try to learn who the other two are, just in time for them to leave in a SHOCK BOTTOM 2 with Jahmene.
Ella Henderson : LOL BYE ELLA. I still say she was probably the most talented this contestant this year vocally, but I’m always quite happy to ditch anybody on this show as long as it sends the judges schizo-nuts. Tulisa’s protracted meltdown, spanning half a results show and an entire version of the Xtra Factor was enough to make me not terribly sad about missing out on another competenyl sung ballid for the next few weeks. And hey, at least she got to go to the premiere of Twiglets 5 : This Time It’s SPARKLY, which let’s face it is probably her generation’s moon landing. I am particularly gratified that she went out after EXEMPLIFYING the X Factor understanding of “Guilty Pleasures” as explained by Tulisa. That is “songs that like, homos like and shit, and making it really LOUD and SLOW and BORING”. The normals of the United Kingdom might tolerate you desecrating Cher Ella, but you are getting on some seriously dodgy ground if you’re going to mess with GREASE, the holy text of X Factor watchers just as Dirty Dancing is the holy text of Strictly watchers. Oh, and Gary loved it as well. HA HA HA HA HA. Ella’s departure leaves the world of X Factor as 11 men, most of them (let’s face it) at least a little biflexual, all ruled over by Nicole Scherzinger, with Caroline Flack hovering in a sky-box to pick off the weakest and youngest afterwards. OH BRAVE NEW WORLD, AND WHAT THINGS LIVE IN THEE!
James Arthur : Poor James Arthur, and his feelings. I feel a bit sorry that he had to be used as the cat’s paw to get Ella out of the door, when it would have been so much more melodramatic if it had been Jahmene, but I guess it had to be somebody. He did at least take the unusual reality step this week of having a “bromance” with a gay man, which is a very new and modern take on the phrase, because people might start thinking he’s ACTUALLY A BIT FAGGY AND STUFF rather than just having CASUAL CHEEKY BANTER LOLS. Admittedly the combination of James, Rylan, and Jahmene as a group of personalities has fascinated me all series, and I’m so glad that they’ve lasted this long together generally. Personally, I’m blaming the WAR AGAINST BARLOW for his presence in the bottom 2, as the proud anti-Gary warriors have turned from destroying Gary’s own acts to anybody who he actually likes, rather than just (deliberately unconvincingly) pretends to like. Really he was in trouble from the moment that Gary said that he wanted him to win rather than, you know, the act he’s supposed to be mentoring. Also the fact that his performance (of the Lauryn Hill version of “Too Good To Be True”) was kind of happy and uplifting, which really must have pissed off his target audience. NO JAMES ARTHUR! BE MISERABLE AND ANGSTY AND DO A RAP SO THEY CAN COME IN AND SOOTHE YOUR WOOBIE SOUL! YOU’RE RUINING IT! Next week : Soundgarden.
Rylan Clark : I swear he was on the way out of the door before that piece of banter. I have never seen anything mobilise the vote for any contestant faster on X Factor on my twitter timeline than Rylan cussing Gary by telling him he definitely wasn’t pretending to be him in his Take That tribute act because he’s far too skinny for that. Not even Tulisa calling Misha B a bully. To be fair, I think Gary’s proper Norman Wisdom response tipped it over the edge into being a classic X Factor moment. The rest of his slot was devoted to him telling us over and over again that he’d achieved everything he wanted to on the show and was ready to go home now. That performance was classic “will this do?” work – a medley, with indifferent staging to a couple of lesser 80s hits. Personally my favourite Rylan moment this week was twofold. First, him snotting all over Xtra Factor about how he’d lost his little Ella and he couldn’t see himself coping without her and it was all so tragic and they’re soulmates even more than he was with Katie Price. Then secondly, Ella completely ignoring him in her own interview, citing Jahmene and some Jizz as her best friends on the show. Beautiful.
Christopher Maloney : OK, so obviously the major talking point with Ol’ Baloney this week is the giant face with beaming psychotic laser eyes, and Nicole Scherzinger calling it “life-sized”. I so hope that was intentional, and not just her being dumb. I can’t remember the show ever being quite so blatant in its attempts to make a contestant look as awful as possible with their staging. HE HAD GIANT STARING CREEPY LASER EYES! THAT BURNED INTO YOUR VERY SOUL! This can only partly be explained by his electing to perform “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” an act I find doubly unforgivable given that he messed up the words in the same way every other reality show contestant messes up the words. Pay close attention : “we’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks”. Not we’re living LIKE a powder keg. Not YOU’RE living in a powder keg. Not we’re living LIFE a powder keg. Not we’re living like a POWER keg (CARLY SMITHSON, I’M LOOKING AT YOU HERE!)! Don’t sing a song if you can’t appreciate the full meaning and nuance of the lyrics, ESPECIALLY if it’s by Jim Steinman. Anyway, some times I feel bad for Christopher, and then things like this happen :
Caroline : “How would you explain the results this evening Christopher?”
Christopher : “I DUNNO, BUT THEY’RE INDEPENDENTLY VERIFIED, SO THEY MUST BE RIGHT!”
And I, you know, don’t.
Jahmene Douglas : I STILL have to look up his surname every week incidentally. To be fair, I only remember Ella’s via unflattering use of a “Bigfoot & The” mnemonic, so it’s that as though he’s alone, but given as he’s our current Winner Apparent, I feel I should push my brain into making more of an effort. Or at least, he our Winner Apparent if we’re going by the law of the winner never having been in the Bottom 2 and also never being Christopher Maloney. I guess we’ll see if the show has pulled in too many “…no, go on, vote for the person we tell you too” favours over the years on that score as the weeks go on. You yelled at us to vote for Matt Cardle show, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED THERE. This of course negates the chance of James Arthur riding a tidal wave of rage all the way to the title, which would be my preferred option at this point, with Rylan second and Baloney third. What would make an X Factor’s Winners Single video more festive than Rylan stood snotting and wailing at the side being told he’d lost? Oh, erm… Jahmene. Sang The Communards, oversang it as usual, is still kind of weird, but more endearingly so with every week that passes. Is that enough? I wrote about every single one of these dullards this week, just like I promised, so it should be enough.