Nothing says “Best Of British” like everyone ganging up on a Scouse homosexual!
Everything else on this show really has taken a backseat to the extended shoeing of Christopher Maloney hasn’t it? It feels like every other thread, every other storyline, every other feud has been set aside, and all the show’s CONSIDERABLE minds have found themselves focused with a single purpose. Get.Maloney.Out. The press this week has seen a non-stop cavalcade of stories about how he’s voting for himself (thanks Kye! Only memorable thing you ever said or did!) and Simon Cowell hating him worse than he hates Steve Brookstein and him being a REAL THREAT TO WIN THE SHOW, and of course the usual counter-stories of the judges being so rude that they’ve nearly killed his nan by proxy and so on and so on. I mean…you’d think the show would have learnt by this point that really all publicity is good publicity (…unless you’re Katie Weasel) so it’s only helping him in the long run. And that’s before the show has even started, after which point you get Dermot (DERMOT O’BOXY MENSWEAR OF ALL PEOPLE) making fun of how he’s dressed, Nicole calling him karaoke, hilariously dated song-choices, bad staging, his own mentor clearly LOATHING him and taking no pleasure in his survival, and worst indignity of them all…having Louis compare him to HEART FM!
Do you know, if it was anybody else I’d feel sorry for him but…nah…
Meanwhile, sat at the top of the tree, possibly on a throne of skulls, drinking the sweet sweet wine of Melanie Masson’s blood from a goblet made out of bits of MK1s pelvic bones, it’s Nicole “The Scherz” Scherzinger. Can anybody actually stop her at this point? Given the fact that the show is on a mission to destrony Maloney, the one remaining boyband is doomed, and apparently Ella isn’t pulling in the votes they’d hope, it’s starting to feel like we might actually get a final all from the same category, with Nicole mentoring, choreographing and, let’s face it at this point, probably presenting as well. Heck, the woman even got JENNIFER HUDSON to prank-call Jahmene Douglas whilst he was in the middle of his “I’M 40% EVIL! MAYBE I CAN’T SING!!!” meltdowns. Fortunately her sarcy “believe in yourself and ANYTHING is possible” speech was just convincing enough to keep his balls together for one more week to get through an (ugh) acoustic version of Angels. The judges’ commitment to pretending that this was something RADICALLY DIFFERENT to all the turgid reinventions of that shitty shitty song was truly commendable and possibly only motivated about 98% by spite on the part of Gary.
She also waved her magic wand for Rylan Clark this week, allowing him to meet his childhood icon, Geri Halliwell. Because I’m sure it’s so difficult to get her to appear on tv. I mean…he didn’t say she was his childhood icon specifically, so much as he was forced to be her when he played Spice Girls in the playground because he was the ginger one, which, let’s face it, is more or less the same thing. I was always Victoria incidentally. Rylan then used the magical power of Geri Halliwell to inspire him to perform a genuinely amazing medley of Spice Girls hits, complete with semi-naked dancers the sort of staging that Brian Friedman used to do so well (RIP BRIAN, WE MISS YOU!), and an opening where Rylan JUMPED OUT OF AN ACTUAL PLANE (three days ago). It felt like there was a genuine outpouring of actual affection towards Rylan from the crowd, and his passage through to the next round seemed almost…welcomed? I guess Maloney’s the villain now. We’re all so easily led. Also James Arthur came out and did a dubstep version of Adele and everyone said he should win and he probably will win and to be fair he probably should. It’s no shock that his musical idols growing up were The Stereophonics (aka the worst band in the history of the world ever and I MEAN IT) is it?
Also very much still here, and still doing ballids, and still only 16 years old is Ella Henderson. Can someone verify that her birthday doesn’t fall between now and Christmas? Because if it does, this show is going to have MAJAH scripting issues moving forwards. Anyway, this week Ella met the Kardashians and got very excited about it, quaking and saying she couldn’t believe it. Seriously. People on this show used to meet WHITNEY HOUSTON AND MARIAH CAREY and now they’re dribbling into their kneesocks over the Kardashians. And not even one of the ones I’ve heard of! (I’ve heard of two and a half of them. And Brody Jenner because let’s be honest – WEW FIT) Actually, people STILL meet people like Geri Halliwell, and for all that she’s turned herself into a punchline so tired even John Bishop would turn his nose up at it, even SHE ranks above a Kardashian. All my respect for Ella just left my body there. And that was one painful movement, I can tell you now. I had to spray a LOT of Febreeze around afterwards. Anywho, Ella got stuck singing a Tinie Tempah song this week, because someone backstage probably realise that at least one of the “BEST OF BRITISHES” should be a black person, but it’s alright, because she done turned it into a tedious honkathon anyway. What happened Ella? We used to be cool! Now you’re not even Stacey Solomon to me.
And so it was that this week one of the boybands were forced to lay down their lives so that the boyband vote could stop splitting itself, and the winners could vainly join the fight against the rampaging Baloney-Beast. Because if there’s one thing I know about boyband fanbases, they’re NOTORIOUSLY liable to switch to an erstwhile rival on a whim, and not still bear the scars of FANWARS up to three decades later. Definitely. To be fair, the show’s producers made it explicitly clear who they expected to be booted out, giving Union Jizz an extended video package about all the BRAVE BOYS in their family with a song mixed in there somewhere towards the back, whilst District Twee were made to do a leering, winking, creepy version of a decades old ballad about a dead child. I’m sure they were still very grateful for Louis’ steadfast refusal to vote them off though. He’s so loyal to his boys. *sniff*
Also One Direction turned up to sing their new song “Not Bad For A Fat Lass” and Resentful Direction was PROFOUNDLY sarcy and rude about Curly Direction. Ah, the glory days of boybands. Now I’m going to have to learn all of Union Jizz’s names for when I recap this show “properly” next week. It’s going to be an arduous task…