Len must be DEVASTATED he never got to see Colin jive…
So previously to open our results show we have had pro dances that tell many tales. The age old struggle between good and evil. Ghostly figures dancing out the Renaissance forever, trapped in time. Tom Chambers ruining riot and establishing a fascistic world rule based around the films of Claudette Colbert. So what classic tale of drama, deceit and passion are we playing out this week?
Yes it’s STRIPPER JESUS and his 5 Butt-Naked disciples. In this case Doubting Thomas is in fact not doubting his faith in the Messiah but
whether he should wear a vest. Fortunately for the sanity of the nation, who probably still need SOME ovaries left to keep them through winter (and to vote Louis the winner) the other four keep their tops on. James does his usual POWERFUL WOLVERINE THRUSTS, Robin
leers and wiggles and winks and sticks his tounge out as per usual, Vincent’s all
“HI! I’M VINTHENT!” and Brenda enters by flying over the audience’s head. Just like his showdance with Lisa Snowdon.
From there it’s just a bunch of stripper moves and double-teaming and ENDLESS KNEE-SLIDES and
motorboating Darcey. At one point everyone starts
doing press-ups, but for no reason. It’s not exactly SOPHISTICATED is what I’m saying, but I’m fairly sure if we held the “Best Pro/Group Routine” Monkie vote of the series NOW, this would win hands down. It’s being danced to “A Little Less Conversation” with the singer impersonating Elvis at his most mumbly. I swear he sneaks an order for chilli fries in the middle of the song somewhere. And a coke. And a Big Mac. And another Big Mac. And some onion rings. And another Big Mac.
And another Big Mac.
I can’t wait for the female pros to do an equivalent routine next week. That’s TOTALLY going to happen, yes?
The cast of Magic Mike 2 : The Restrippering sprint off, leaving us with the arrival of
these two. What is it that they say about simple things? TESSY LOVE HER SPARKLER!!! Mercifully neither of them try to spell out their names, otherwise we’d be here all night. They explain that they are holding sparklers because the show blew its budget on Hallowe’en Week. Yes, I’m sure some rubber masks and spray on grey hair BLEW THIS SHOW’S BUDGET. Especially as I’m fairly sure Brendan brought in his own costume from home. Then Tess makes the mistake of touching her sparkler, squeals “IT’S HOT!” then
throws it away. TESSY NO LIKE HER SPARKLER NO MORE! This seems to be an excuse to similarly talk about how HOT the male pros are but…you never can be sure with Tess.
Claudia explains to us that tonight we will be seeing TWO musical guests (that’s two more than most weeks…), some surprises in Len’s Lens (some clips that are actually funny?), and a dance-off. That for once (SPOILERS) actually means something. I know, right? So exciting. Making that (actually exciting) decision will be
these four. Darcey going “woo” looks like something out of Silent Hill.
Were you wonder who the musical guests were? Well, the first is Andrea Bocelli, and here’s Claudia’s introduction for the second :
“2012 has been their year. They’ve conquered America and had a sell-out UK tour!”
I do honestly love the idea that 2012 was “The Wanted”s year. Didn’t they spend most of it pretending to be perfectly happy with their home made Tracey Island when One Direction got one straight from the shop? Metaphorically speaking. In a 90s style.
Backstage happenings, which mercifully Tess does not BULLY Claudia about this week? (So glad I didn’t have to call OFCOM. I was so on the verge). We got them. We learn that
Vincent just has to click his fingers and the women (and Brenda) come running ; that indecent exposure is still
very much an issue at the BBC, despite what they might want you to think ; that Nicky works his arms out before every live show in his dressing room ; that Claudia
goes quite literally rabid for biceps in a way that even Tess would find mortifying ; that Craig thought the show was really exciting because there were no gimmicks (apart from the hoop, the comedy date VTs, the training at Lords for no logical reason whatsoever, the stupid high kicks, the chair, the cocktails, the palm trees, the jukebox, the fan, the showgirls, the tiki bar, the sunglasses, the crappy wigs, the candy floss…) ; that this is never ever ever
getting over Bruce doing it Gangnam Style ; that Dani gets better dancing out of Claudia than Len ever did ; that Lisa has a weenie wopper ; that Lisa also has a crush on Artem ; that no, really, it IS
that long ; that no matter how bad BLOKERUMBA was
it always could have been worse; that
someone has had an amazing time having THEIR wedding reception at Frankie & Benny’s! ; that
you should NEVER turn your back on PENDLEDRAMA ; that Michael believes that Natalie is a miracle-worker (although presumably not in the same way that STRIPPER JESUS is) ; that
Nicky isn’t averse to getting it out backstage ; that
no, really, sometimes Erin kisses him back ; that when Karen hears “take it on the chin”, she hears it literally (no, not like that, minds out the gutter if only briefly please) and that we may, finally, have found the sexy mummy.
Well I think there’s a similarity. Answers in the comments please.
TO THE SAFETY SEX-FACEMOBILE!
Anyway, out first two navigators of the Bottom Two are these two :
Oooh, she MAD, huh? Tess then pulls a totally X Factor style “…and the other couple in the Bottom Two ARE …gonnafindoutafterthebreaknothatthereisabreakbecausewereontheBBCbutyouknowhatImean”. Lisa and Robin look APPALLED at these shennigans.
Whereras Natalie seems to find them
kind of funny. LOL YERR GOTT US THIRE TISS!
Tess at this point would like to take a moment to discuss with Len why Colin is obviously incredibly not popular but given that the reason is probably “nobody knows who he is, and also maybe a bit because he’s black” rather than whatever Len says (“Colin was NEARLY good, but not REALLY good go on getcha GURTCHA MY SAHN!”), I’d instead like to take this moment to discuss Tess’ shoes.
Quite something aren’t they?
Up on Claud 9 meanwhile, Claudia is conducting the now customary party amongst the safe couples.
Doesn’t Artem look ecstatic, and not at ALL like someone who’s just been pulled up from a prolonged bout of waterboarding? I also wonder what the “unsafe” couple are doing at this point, given that they’re not invited. Having a fag down by the bottom of the stairs probably, gazing in sadly like the Little Match Girl. Clauda turns to Tracy and reveals the most tragic news of the weekend, other than Colin’s departure. She just so hard when she was revealed safe that she has
GIVEN HERSELF MILD WHIPLASH. DUN DUN DURRRRRRRRRRRRN! It’s the silent killer.
Claudia asks Kimberley how she felt descending to the dance floor in a giant hula hoop. She replies that, do you know what?
SHE REALLY ENJOYED IT! Thanks Kimberley. Louis is asked how it feels to have disappointed Darcey, sexually, and Louis doesn’t seem that bothered to be honest. He got what he came for. Claudia asks how he intends to not disappoint her next week, and Louis replies that, as he has the waltz, he can’t really throw in any grotesquely sexual moves to sate Darcey’s infernal lusts. You understimate your choreographer Louis. So very much. BRING ON THE SEX-HARNESS!
Claudia next declares it time for a MUSIC GIFT! The sort of MUSIC GIFT! that you pass on in different wrapping paper two months later, after it spent the interin at the back of your wardrobe. That’s right…
IT’S THE WANTED! There’s
Oscar The Grouch Wanted,
Building Site Porno Wanted,
Chelsea FC Wanted,
One Week Homeless And Needs Your Help Before It’s Too Late Wanted and
Hollyoaks Wanted. They come in a variety of headshapes – oval, rhombus, triangle, circle, you name it, there is a memebr of The Wanted to suit your varied sexual head-shape needs. For my sins I actually quite LIKE The Wanted partly because they sound like, you know, actual people singing unlike every other boyband ever, partly because their songs are usually quite catchy but not incessantly so, and partly because they’re clearly not afraid to act like MASSIVE SULKY DICKHEADS. Truth in pop music, people.
Anyway, despite all that, this single is clearly bobbins and they have far too many dancers with them
FAR FAR too many. They’re milling around like they’re lost at a tube station and not quite sure if they’re supposed to start their Flash Mob yet. Oscar The Grouch Wanted is having so much fun though
that is almost makes up for it. LOOK AT HIM GO! He’s so the best one. I mean…I’d say “I wonder which one will do Strictly in 5 years time” but…we all know where my heart is, right? OSCAR THE GROUCH WANTED FOR STRICTLY CHAMPION 2017!
EVERYBODY DIES! Just a reminder for you there.
Now it’s time for Len’s Glans. Amazingly, the judges all walk on like they’ve had to come straight from The Wanted. It would be so much more convincing if I could imagine Len getting up the stairs in the 1 second that this would have required.
But, you know…I just can’t. I bet Bruno could have JUMPED up though.
First up we get audio footage of Erin during Richard’s Foxtrot Disahster. It goes something like this :
“FALL AWAY! COME ON! THROW AWAY! COME ON RICHARD!…oh fuck this…HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”.
Len of course chooses to take up on Richard’s behalf, and pontificate to us all that there’s not one person on the show who has not forgotten their routine and gone wrong at some point. If you’re Bruce, two or three times a night. He commends Richard for not giving up, carrying on, finishing the routine, and generally not pulling out a pistol and offing himself mid-spin. We then get a clip of Len very earnestly and commandingly yelling “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!” to Richard as he messed up whilst Bruno, by contrast,
sits there wetting himself laughing. I think we all know which side I’m on here.
We then get a small section praising Tracy’s jive, quite possibly because the judges’ positive reaction to it got a bit lost generally, amidst all the guffawing about how Craig saw her lady garden. Everyone’s very complimentary. We briefly see Darcey playing with Craig’s hair (?!) before we cut to Len
obnoxiously waving his 9 paddle around, because everyone else disagreed with his opinion. Oh Len, so comfortable with disagreement.
We next briefly discuss both Artem and Kimberley’s tits
in slow motion, and how utterly shameless and point-grubbing they both were. You’d never have got Goughy doing that, oh no. His moobs were just for him and his wife. We then get lost down the bizarre bisexual rabbit-hole that is Bruno Tonnioli, as he whines that Kimberley wasn’t waggling her boobs in HIS face, because he finds her SUPER-HOT-SEXY-WOW also! There’s always next week Bruno.
Safety Sex-Faces Part Deux?
This leaves our potential Final Two as Richard & Erin vs Lisa & Robin. Seems odd that they’re running a vote-scare for Lisa & Robin, Maybe she’s the new Chelsee Healey. Or maybe they just don’t want to break Victoria right this second. She’s supposed to have a comeback week next week! It’d be hard to pull it off glamorously with half her hair pulled out. Anyway, in the Bottom 2 are, of course
these two. As the lights turn red
things turn weird. I…don’t even think that’s an accident. I know it’s ERIN, and frankly, I’d go there if I could, in honour of all the wonderful eyars of entertainment, laughs, and sartorial disasters she’s given us, but by 42 you should probably have this sort of experimentation out of your system no? Robin
seems to agree with me. We should throw him out the brotherhood shouldn’t we Rob?
Tess asks Craig what Richard can do in the dance-off to save himself. Craig replies “remember his routine”. Fair enough. He says it’s a good thing for Richard to be in the bottom 2, because he now has an opportunity to show that he really can do it right, and redeem himself. He’s dying to know what the routine was supposed look like, and he’s sure Britain is too. Eh, I’m not over-fussed to be honest. Still, DO IT RICHARD! DO IT FOR MATT DI ANGELO!
Up on Claud 9 again and
it’s a more subdued party for our less favoured safe couples. I think Karen’s off having a spliff down by the gazebo. Claudia turns to Lisa and asks if she was scared there waiting for her name to be called out. Lisa says she was scared, and also confused, because when it got down to her, she DIDN’T want her name to be called, and she wasn’t sure how to react.
Don’t worry Lisa, the camera’s not actually ON you for the reveal if you’re safe. You can jump up and down flicknig the Vs to Erin if you want. Victoria is turned to next, and she huffs that she’s
SO GLAD THAT SHE NEVER HAS TO DO A SAMBA EVER EVER EVER AGAIN. BLOODY SAMBAS! Every single male pros on the programme solemnly nods their heads in agreement. There’s nothing most of the audience of this show want to see less than a lady’s samba. She thanks everyone at home who helped her leapfrog Colin who was four places above her on the leaderboard *grin grin*.
Finally Claudia asks Michael how he’s feeling about his salsa next week. He says he has faith in his partner and new BESTEST BUD Natalie to deliver something. So do I. Probably not in the same way though. BRING BACK THE PLAID!
Next up, it’s Andrea Bocelli, two weeks ago, singing
Nessun Dorma in front of Pasha and Karen Hauer whirling around together romantically, because this show lost sight of who was supposed to be paired with who a LONG time ago. Wasn’t Iveta still here two weeks ago? Was she denied the opportunity to perform with Andrea Bocelli just because it might mess up this show’s bat-shizz timelining? I bet she’s FURIOUS. Anyway, whatever Karen was smoking it’s clearly pretty
strong, as she and Pasha are both pretty blissed out at the sight of their own hands. IT’S MAGIC, MAN!
Once Andrea Bocelli’s done being dead classy and that (what? Is there anything you can say to it? It’s a blind man singing opera. Try and get hilarious pictures and commentary out of it, I DARES YOU) our couples in danger are up on Claud 9, awaiting the dance-off.
I keep expecting Richard and Erin to do something DISGUSTING. I can’t ever look at them the same way again. It was like walking in on your parents having sex. With your best friends parents. He jokes with Claudia that this isn’t so much a chance to dance again, as a chance to dance at all, and he thanks everybody who voted for him, which was probably nobody apart from those people who REALLY hate Victoria. And yet still not enough. He says people have been coming up to him in the street and smiling at him, and really that’s enough for him. They’ve probably got you confused for a famous person Richard…
Claudia asks Colin & Kristina how miserable they are.
That’s not really a question you ASK Kristina is it? I mean…a skilled journalist would just KNOW. Colin just says that he’s going to go out there and have some FUN.
Oh no you aren’t.
So anyway, what happens is so EXACTLY what’d you’d script for maximum drama that it almost makes me believe in the worth of the dance-off. Richard performs his routine swimmingly, Colin falls to bits, and then the judges actually save Richard based on the dance-off, not Colin just because he’s better and they like him more and also because Kristina will shank them if they don’t. It’s only ruined minorly by Darcey mewling that SHE wouldn’t have had either of these couples in the Bottom 2. The guy who forgot his routine. And who she scored lower than everyone else. SURE DARCEY, THAT MAKES SENSE.
Anyway over to Tess they go, and Colin gives a quite SHAKESPEARIAN speech in defeat
“Never before in the field of Strictly combat has one woman given so much of her sanity in the pursuit of making it look like she’s not dancing with someone at least three feet taller than her. We fought them in the cha cha, we fought them on the foxtrot, we fought them on the decks of the Starship Karen after we were teleported up there for daring to steal Goldeneye. We fought them with every ounce of our strength, every pound of our courage, and every second of our time, apart from that one week where I pissed off to Vancouver to film Arrow. We recognise our competition as SEMINAL, we regard our judges as paragons of knowledge, and we revere our hosts as steady hands guiding us towards our maximum potential…until we go on breakfast tv and pout and slag them all off. WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER. THIS! IS! STRICTLY! G’RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!”