Who you gonna call? NOT SID AND OLA!
Can I just reassure anyone unsettled by my brief stint on necrophilia during the Performance Show, that I don’t
find this statue attractive. The nose is a little off. Anyway, he greeting us to our pro dance of the evening, which is the spooky variant on the Hallowe’en Dance, as opposed to the all-out gore-fest of watching Michael Vaughan doing the Thriller dance.
Look, here are all our pros
stuck in the middle of the world’s most flamboyant game of Musical Statues. You have to stay still every time Bruno’s jumping up and down in his chair screaming his head off. It’s a long game. When they do start dancing, it’s to Yaem Nael’s version of Toxic, when halfway through converts into the Britney Spears version. UK dance reality enthusiasts may remember this concept from this. And yes, that is yet another spooky dining table, why did you ask?
(So many favourites in that clip that I had almost forgotten. SHANE! ANGRY LUKE! FIERCE RITHY! ANDROGYLEE! BIG FAT DEAF OLD FOOT-PHOBIC KIRSTY! On which note, it would be remiss of me to mention that my blog-partner Steven’s long-term quest to see justice done by shouting at Nigel Lythgoe’s face every time it appears on television, anywhere, ever, has come to a glorious end, as BFDOFP Kirsty has finally been recognised as the rightful (third-place) winner of So You Think You Can Dance UK Series 2. It is only appropriate that I eat crow here, for never having believed it).
Anyway, yes, back to a reality show that people actually WATCH, and the pros are making all sorts of spooky puppet shapes to the slow purr of emogirl82 pretending to be French.
You can spot Kristina a mile off can’t you? They do whirly ballroom for a bit, and then the tempo kicks up and it all goes a lot more fiesty and sharp and menacing. Iveta in particular looks
terrifying. It’s not going to be easy to get her back into that crate tonight! As the dance goes on it gets more sexy-menacing. Look!
Sexy choking! Particularly erotic and charged is a bit where the female pros drag their male partners around by an invisble leash
as though they are RAVENOUS HELLHOUNDS!
/the Andrex puppy.
Unfortunately it all goes a bit wrong towards the end, as Robin has to pause the entire dance in order to
have a rummage for his car keys, but all in all it is quite the trumph, even if it is no Ghostbusters. Never forget.
Gourgeois, as Nicole Scherzinger would no doubt say.
Everyone suitably spooked, it’s time for our hosts to emerge and for us to all, yet again, feel sorry for Tess’ boobs.
Tess, seriously, if you’ve lost a saucepan lid, you can get them cheap second-hand. There’s no need to resort to shoplifting them out the BBC canteen. She opens by declaring that that opening dance was brilliant, but there’s so much more to come! Claudia promises us some music and dance treats, and a potentially shocking dance-off!
Potentially, Claudia. But not actually. I’m in love with Tess’ “scared” face incidentally. Looks like she just got a mild static shock off a water cooler. Making the decisions with regards to said dance-off?
These four. That’s right, they’re not trusting Bruno with Results Show costume changes anymore, after he broke the last one. It was a Julien McDonald ORIGINAL. They had to give him even MORE sherbert before he went live on It Takes Two this week. So much more he appeared to have had some left over for Kristina. (So. Manic.) (Calm down girl, we’re all worried for you).
Also on the menu? Paloma Faith, but when is that ever not true? Never before has a whole career been built on performances on reality tv Results Shows. Such a pioneer. And the usual – Len’s Glans, Safety Sex-Faces and PENDLEDRAMA at her neediest. Before all that fun though? Recap filler. Joy.
As usual, Tess jabs her finger at Claudia and accuses her of horning in on her territory.
Claudia’s reply? “It was my ghost”.
Can you imagine how pale Claudia’s ghost would be? Chris Eubank pale at the very least.
“What did Claudia discover backstage?” I hear you mutter disinterestedly as you go to get a Mars Bar out the fridge. Well, she learnt that
The Mummy has a good strong jawline, which I always appreciate on a rotting corpse ; that the spirit of
Dr Hamela is now possessing all of James’ partners, in a vain attempt to get into his knickers ; that adult illiteracy
is a real source of pain and shame – give a hoot, read a book ; that
nobody nicks Craig’s last Rolo ; that if you walk in on Nicky using the men’s urinal
you’re sure of a big surprise ; that Claudia dances Thriller with more pizznache than she ever summoned up for one of Len’s Masterclasses ; that Michael and Nicky have MANLY BANTER ; that the casting for the Gimme Gimme Gimme prequel is
ongoing ; that apparently Richard’s paso doble represent what he’s like in the January sales (remind me to avoid C & A somewhere around January 6th…) ; that Lisa on the razz
is ten times more terrifynig than Lisa as a witch ; that Ola is sorry she wasn’t there for Sid during the week ; that Denise is really glad the cha-cha is over with so she can put her Mary Hinge away ; Len believes that everyone was just a little bit better than they were last week, because Len can’t do maths good ; and that whilst Pasha might be a werewolf, Kimberley is that far more terrifying of creatures.
A wereCilla. We’ll have a LORRA LORRA MAIMING TONIGHT!
Now that we’re all so much more learned about our celebrities secret backstage lives, it’s time for some very special HALLOWE’EN STRICTLY SAFETY SEX FACES!
Ba’woo indeed. I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking Robin might very much want to hold on to his crown as King Of Strictly Sex Faces. Anywho, first to find themselves in the Bottom Two are
these two. You can actually see their mouths crease in unison. Tess turns to Bruno to ask what Sid needs to do in order to survive the dance-off. Instead of saying “nothing, he’s going home whatever happens”, Bruno says the usual guff about nerves and selling it and not forgetting you’re a womble and all that bollocks. Whatever Bruno, the only person in range of his scores is FERN, and I don’t think that dance is even remotely screw-uppable. All she did was walk around occasionally tilting.
Up to Claud 9, where our safe couples are stood around awkwardly watching as Brenda
decides to take matters into his own hands. I know she can be wearying Brenda, but you’ve got a new baby on the way! So much to live for. Besides, if you want to off yourself from the show, there are cleaner ways of doing it. Why not call Bruce doddery? You’ll be shoved off this Strictly coil faster than you can say “Nicole Who?”. Happily, Brenda eventually finds reason to live.
The fact that if he abandons Natalie as her pro-partner she will hunt him down in the afterlife like Orpheus, and kill him all over again. Claudia congratulates Michael on being the story of the night : going from the dance-off last week to being second on the leaderboard this week. And not in a Zoe Lucker “we’re going to overmark you to stop you sticking your head in the gas oven for a week” sort of way. Michael says it was a great feeling, and all down to the wonder that is Natalie Lowe. Amen. Next up, a new flavour of Victoria for Claud 9
Ecstatic PENDLEDRAMA! She bobs around giggling insanely like a child psychic who just exploded the head of their headteacher. SUCH FUN! Claudia next asks Louis what it feels like to get the first “9”s of the competition. Louis
isn’t that fussed really. WHERE WERE THE 10S? He done a zombie backflip. Did Jill Halfpenny ever do a zombie backflip? No. Well except that one time when Darren accidentally dropped his wig on the floor in training…
It’s time now for our MUSICAL GUEST! Claudia tells us that she used to get sawn in half every week as part of her job. OH MY GOD, IS DEBBIE MCGEE FINALLY LAUNCHING A MUSIC CAREER?
Oh. Never mind. It’s just Crazy Cousin Paloma again, dressed up in honour of the Day Of The Dead. What Latin-tinged anthem is she going to be performing for this Dios De La Los Muertosesos?
Why, it’s the John Lewis classic “Never Tear Us Apart”. It’s about a guy from 2012 romancing a girl from 1932, and then they go and buy some salt & pepper cellars shaped like art deco bunnies or something. So emotional, babes.
Anyway Paloma sings the whole thing a little bit too much in the club style for my liking, whilst her skeleton buddies do some
It’s such a shame that Paloma is far too much of a ringer to be a contestant on Strictly, as she has a degree in Contemporary Dance and Attention Seeking. It’d be interesting, if nothing else.
Lovely hands, dahling, lovely hands. In fact, Bruno loved them so much, he
grew his back.
Guess what it’s time for now?
That’s right, it’s time for Len’s teeth to fall out. Again. Get better denture glue, Leonard. Oh, and Len’s Glans. Not to fall out though. Hopefully. We start with probably the most horrifying sight of all of Hallowe’en Week.
Yes it’s Darcey’s “I’M HAVING FUN!!!” face. Let’s hope we all never have to see it again. Far more exciting is the reveal that Bruno was screaming “BITE ME COLIN! BITE ME!” during the climax of Thriller, and Colin was finding it very hard to keep a straight face. 30 years of The Method falling down in the face of one randy gay Italian. Len chastises Darcey for having fun. Alright Len, one Borelow’s enough for Saturday Night reality tv as it is, thanks.
We then get our mandatory Theme Week tip o’ the hat to Wardrobe, for all their fabulous work scribbling on everyone’s eyelids. Would that they got so much adulation on the non-Theme Weeks, when obviously all they do is rummage through a Fire Sale down at the local nick. We then cover Len singing “Witch Doctor”. That’s it. Twice. Brilliant. This of course segues into the official Strictly Debate Of The Week – do we really care how people are supposed to dance Charleston. Craig does, Len doesn’t, that’s about the size of it. One particularly choice moment is Len declaring that the only bit of technique in Charleston is getting your feet to swivvel. Yes, and you didn’t even hold Hollins to that!
Next up, we cover Louis’ zombie backflip, and of course the most important part of any Louis routine :
Darcey embarassing herself, because that’s Louis’ storyline. Well…at this point. Until Flavia burns his tea. The sad part is that that’s out of context as well. It’s actually at Brucie doing it Gangnam Style. Following this, another round of
POOFY RICHARD DOING POOFY FACES LOLS! Craig calls him “butch”, as if you needed telling. He loved the facial expressions, but hated the technique. Finally, we close on Bruno echoing the thoughts of a nation – gazing in amazement at Michael’s quickstep, yelling “WHAT?!”. We all were there with you Bruno, in the moment. Except we hadn’t seen rehearsals, so we were doing it for real. Len then starts waffling on about how Michael is Good At Ballroom but Bad At Latin, like so many sportsmen behind him. Don’t ruin it by making it commonplace, Len.
Speaking of spoiling things by overdoing them, time for more SAFETY SEX-FACES!
This leaves us with a final two of Team Fartem & Colin & Kristina. Kristina at this point is burying her face into Colin’s chest so hard I worry she’s going to crack one of his ribs. Such a pity for her then that,
she is the one in the Bottom Two. Not a happy cat there. Yup, Fartem live to fight another day.
Artem is SO THRILLED! Also, what a shame Fern got her Evil Queen face down just at the last possible minute. You’ve got to be on your paso doble from second 1 Fern. Artem’s already basically promsied to do it naked, so we already know it’s going to be bobbins.
Now it’s time for that part of the week where Tess gets to pick on Darcey. Check out her intonation here : “Now Darcey, YOU said on Saturday night that Colin’s salsa was SAUCY. But it seems like it wasn’t enough…”. Poor Darcey, not even she deserves that. Anyway, Tess then asks her why Colin is in the Bottom Two, and she replies that it is clearly because the public picked up on his footwork faults. Yeah, that’ll be it Darcey. She does, rest assured, still believe that Colin still has Natural Rhythm. Well yes Darcey, he is still black, despite make-up’s best efforts to bury everyone under enough slap that they all look Sontaran.
Up to Claud 9 now and
it’s alright Artem. She’s here for another three weeks, max. There’s no need to try to throttle this one. We just about managed to get Holly Valance breathing again after she dared to bum off her third training session in a week for a fag and a kebab, let’s not tempt fate again. Claudia turns to them, as Artem briefly stops crushing Fern’s windpipe, and asks them if there was shock going on there when they were revealed to be safe. I believe the MODERN term is PTSD, Claudia. Fern says she was shocked, but on the other hand she’s got a big pile of ironing to get back to at home if she had been eliminated. Still, she’s really glad, because she and Artem both thought that she was done for.
“Thought”/”hoped”. It’s all much of a muchness.
Claudia then turns to Nicky, and talks to him about “his ickle face” as the results were being announced. Nicky says it was horrible, because before he was always announced safe early on, but this week they were properly goosing him for drama, and he didn’t like it. Richard blethers that Nicky should be glad, because he’s ALWAYS called safe towards the end, then starts
stroking Nicky, suggestively, on the back of the head. So handsy.
Claudia then calls Richard out on jumping up and down in ecstacy with Erin (seriously, that was the closest I’ve seen Erin to looking present since…the Austin years) and he says that he’s been called out on pouting and having a saggy bottom so far, so they’ll have to excuse him if he takes his moments of glory (/heavy petting) where he can. We close with Claudia asking who watches “It Takes Two” every single night of the week.
Bless Karen. She loves Waite’s Wednesday Warm-Up SO MUCH.
There then follows a brief advert for It Takes Two.
Well I’m sold. And don’t get too cocky Jordan, I’m sure he’s got you outgunned in…well I think we all know where that’s going don’t we? Let’s just leave it.
As the sound of Dionne Warwick being a glorious slag fade from view, it’s time for the DREADED DANCE-OFF!
Look, there it went. Craig saved Colin for being more dynamic and the better dancer, Darcey saves him for showing no nerves and coming back stronger, and Bruno saves him for being just stronger, generally. Len then gets a bit huffy and says that he would have saved Sid & Ola, because Colin was incapable of getting through the routine without getting the same bit wrong over and over again. You know, of the two times he did it.
And so it is time for RICKAY to leave Strictly, without nearly as many jokes on that theme as you’d expect. He says he’s loved every minute of it and that he’d just like to thank Ola for all her support and teaching. It’s been so much fun and he now feels comfortable going out and dancing. Just…maybe not to the Ghostbusters theme. Ola then thanks Sid for being a great partner, and then says “sorry” far too many times, clearly believing this is mostly her fault. Well that’s depressing.
To cheer us all up, here are the wide range of faces James & Denise were pulling as they awaited what they clearly were anticipating to be her SHOCK BOTTOM TWO PLACEMENT that never came.
Well I feel better already.