Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Week 4 Results

Who you gonna call? NOT SID AND OLA!

Can I just reassure anyone unsettled by my brief stint on necrophilia during the Performance Show, that I don’t

find this statue attractive. The nose is a little off. Anyway, he greeting us to our pro dance of the evening, which is the spooky variant on the Hallowe’en Dance, as opposed to the all-out gore-fest of watching Michael Vaughan doing the Thriller dance.

Look, here are all our pros

stuck in the middle of the world’s most flamboyant game of Musical Statues. You have to stay still every time Bruno’s jumping up and down in his chair screaming his head off. It’s a long game. When they do start dancing, it’s to Yaem Nael’s version of Toxic, when halfway through converts into the Britney Spears version. UK dance reality enthusiasts may remember this concept from this. And yes, that is yet another spooky dining table, why did you ask?

(So many favourites in that clip that I had almost forgotten. SHANE! ANGRY LUKE! FIERCE RITHY! ANDROGYLEE! BIG FAT DEAF OLD FOOT-PHOBIC KIRSTY! On which note, it would be remiss of me to mention that my blog-partner Steven’s long-term quest to see justice done by shouting at Nigel Lythgoe’s face every time it appears on television, anywhere, ever, has come to a glorious end, as BFDOFP Kirsty has finally been recognised as the rightful (third-place) winner of So You Think You Can Dance UK Series 2. It is only appropriate that I eat crow here, for never having believed it).

Anyway, yes, back to a reality show that people actually WATCH, and the pros are making all sorts of spooky puppet shapes to the slow purr of emogirl82 pretending to be French.

You can spot Kristina a mile off can’t you? They do whirly ballroom for a bit, and then the tempo kicks up and it all goes a lot more fiesty and sharp and menacing. Iveta in particular looks

terrifying. It’s not going to be easy to get her back into that crate tonight! As the dance goes on it gets more sexy-menacing. Look!

Sexy choking! Particularly erotic and charged is a bit where the female pros drag their male partners around by an invisble leash

as though they are RAVENOUS HELLHOUNDS!

/the Andrex puppy.

Unfortunately it all goes a bit wrong towards the end, as Robin has to pause the entire dance in order to

have a rummage for his car keys, but all in all it is quite the trumph, even if it is no Ghostbusters. Never forget.

Gourgeois, as Nicole Scherzinger would no doubt say.

Everyone suitably spooked, it’s time for our hosts to emerge and for us to all, yet again, feel sorry for Tess’ boobs.

Tess, seriously, if you’ve lost a saucepan lid, you can get them cheap second-hand. There’s no need to resort to shoplifting them out the BBC canteen. She opens by declaring that that opening dance was brilliant, but there’s so much more to come! Claudia promises us some music and dance treats, and a potentially shocking dance-off!

Potentially, Claudia. But not actually. I’m in love with Tess’ “scared” face incidentally. Looks like she just got a mild static shock off a water cooler. Making the decisions with regards to said dance-off?

These four. That’s right, they’re not trusting Bruno with Results Show costume changes anymore, after he broke the last one. It was a Julien McDonald ORIGINAL. They had to give him even MORE sherbert before he went live on It Takes Two this week. So much more he appeared to have had some left over for Kristina. (So. Manic.) (Calm down girl, we’re all worried for you).

Also on the menu? Paloma Faith, but when is that ever not true? Never before has a whole career been built on performances on reality tv Results Shows. Such a pioneer. And the usual – Len’s Glans, Safety Sex-Faces and PENDLEDRAMA at her neediest. Before all that fun though? Recap filler. Joy.

As usual, Tess jabs her finger at Claudia and accuses her of horning in on her territory.

Claudia’s reply? “It was my ghost”.

Can you imagine how pale Claudia’s ghost would be? Chris Eubank pale at the very least.

“What did Claudia discover backstage?” I hear you mutter disinterestedly as you go to get a Mars Bar out the fridge. Well, she learnt that

The Mummy has a good strong jawline, which I always appreciate on a rotting corpse ; that the spirit of

Dr Hamela is now possessing all of James’ partners, in a vain attempt to get into his knickers ; that adult illiteracy

is a real source of pain and shame – give a hoot, read a book ; that

nobody nicks Craig’s last Rolo ; that if you walk in on Nicky using the men’s urinal

you’re sure of a big surprise ; that Claudia dances Thriller with more pizznache than she ever summoned up for one of Len’s Masterclasses ; that Michael and Nicky have MANLY BANTER ; that the casting for the Gimme Gimme Gimme prequel is

ongoing ; that apparently Richard’s paso doble represent what he’s like in the January sales (remind me to avoid C & A somewhere around January 6th…) ; that Lisa on the razz

is ten times more terrifynig than Lisa as a witch ; that Ola is sorry she wasn’t there for Sid during the week ; that Denise is really glad the cha-cha is over with so she can put her Mary Hinge away ; Len believes that everyone was just a little bit better than they were last week, because Len can’t do maths good ; and that whilst Pasha might be a werewolf, Kimberley is that far more terrifying of creatures.

A wereCilla. We’ll have a LORRA LORRA MAIMING TONIGHT!

Now that we’re all so much more learned about our celebrities secret backstage lives, it’s time for some very special HALLOWE’EN STRICTLY SAFETY SEX FACES!





Ba’woo indeed. I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking Robin might very much want to hold on to his crown as King Of Strictly Sex Faces. Anywho, first to find themselves in the Bottom Two are

these two. You can actually see their mouths crease in unison. Tess turns to Bruno to ask what Sid needs to do in order to survive the dance-off. Instead of saying “nothing, he’s going home whatever happens”, Bruno says the usual guff about nerves and selling it and not forgetting you’re a womble and all that bollocks. Whatever Bruno, the only person in range of his scores is FERN, and I don’t think that dance is even remotely screw-uppable. All she did was walk around occasionally tilting.

Up to Claud 9, where our safe couples are stood around awkwardly watching as Brenda

decides to take matters into his own hands. I know she can be wearying Brenda, but you’ve got a new baby on the way! So much to live for. Besides, if you want to off yourself from the show, there are cleaner ways of doing it. Why not call Bruce doddery? You’ll be shoved off this Strictly coil faster than you can say “Nicole Who?”. Happily, Brenda eventually finds reason to live.

The fact that if he abandons Natalie as her pro-partner she will hunt him down in the afterlife like Orpheus, and kill him all over again. Claudia congratulates Michael on being the story of the night : going from the dance-off last week to being second on the leaderboard this week. And not in a Zoe Lucker “we’re going to overmark you to stop you sticking your head in the gas oven for a week” sort of way. Michael says it was a great feeling, and all down to the wonder that is Natalie Lowe. Amen. Next up, a new flavour of Victoria for Claud 9

Ecstatic PENDLEDRAMA! She bobs around giggling insanely like a child psychic who just exploded the head of their headteacher. SUCH FUN! Claudia next asks Louis what it feels like to get the first “9”s of the competition. Louis

isn’t that fussed really. WHERE WERE THE 10S? He done a zombie backflip. Did Jill Halfpenny ever do a zombie backflip? No. Well except that one time when Darren accidentally dropped his wig on the floor in training…

It’s time now for our MUSICAL GUEST! Claudia tells us that she used to get sawn in half every week as part of her job. OH MY GOD, IS DEBBIE MCGEE FINALLY LAUNCHING A MUSIC CAREER?

Oh. Never mind. It’s just Crazy Cousin Paloma again, dressed up in honour of the Day Of The Dead. What Latin-tinged anthem is she going to be performing for this Dios De La Los Muertosesos?

Why, it’s the John Lewis classic “Never Tear Us Apart”. It’s about a guy from 2012 romancing a girl from 1932, and then they go and buy some salt & pepper cellars shaped like art deco bunnies or something. So emotional, babes.

Anyway Paloma sings the whole thing a little bit too much in the club style for my liking, whilst her skeleton buddies do some

low-impact cardio.

It’s such a shame that Paloma is far too much of a ringer to be a contestant on Strictly, as she has a degree in Contemporary Dance and Attention Seeking. It’d be interesting, if nothing else.

Lovely hands, dahling, lovely hands. In fact, Bruno loved them so much, he

grew his back.

Guess what it’s time for now?

That’s right, it’s time for Len’s teeth to fall out. Again. Get better denture glue, Leonard. Oh, and Len’s Glans. Not to fall out though. Hopefully. We start with probably the most horrifying sight of all of Hallowe’en Week.

Yes it’s Darcey’s “I’M HAVING FUN!!!” face. Let’s hope we all never have to see it again. Far more exciting is the reveal that Bruno was screaming “BITE ME COLIN! BITE ME!” during the climax of Thriller, and Colin was finding it very hard to keep a straight face. 30 years of The Method falling down in the face of one randy gay Italian. Len chastises Darcey for having fun. Alright Len, one Borelow’s enough for Saturday Night reality tv as it is, thanks.

We then get our mandatory Theme Week tip o’ the hat to Wardrobe, for all their fabulous work scribbling on everyone’s eyelids. Would that they got so much adulation on the non-Theme Weeks, when obviously all they do is rummage through a Fire Sale down at the local nick. We then cover Len singing “Witch Doctor”. That’s it. Twice. Brilliant. This of course segues into the official Strictly Debate Of The Week – do we really care how people are supposed to dance Charleston. Craig does, Len doesn’t, that’s about the size of it. One particularly choice moment is Len declaring that the only bit of technique in Charleston is getting your feet to swivvel. Yes, and you didn’t even hold Hollins to that!

Next up, we cover Louis’ zombie backflip, and of course the most important part of any Louis routine :

Darcey embarassing herself, because that’s Louis’ storyline. Well…at this point. Until Flavia burns his tea. The sad part is that that’s out of context as well. It’s actually at Brucie doing it Gangnam Style. Following this, another round of

POOFY RICHARD DOING POOFY FACES LOLS! Craig calls him “butch”, as if you needed telling. He loved the facial expressions, but hated the technique. Finally, we close on Bruno echoing the thoughts of a nation – gazing in amazement at Michael’s quickstep, yelling “WHAT?!”. We all were there with you Bruno, in the moment. Except we hadn’t seen rehearsals, so we were doing it for real. Len then starts waffling on about how Michael is Good At Ballroom but Bad At Latin, like so many sportsmen behind him. Don’t ruin it by making it commonplace, Len.

Speaking of spoiling things by overdoing them, time for more SAFETY SEX-FACES!




This leaves us with a final two of Team Fartem & Colin & Kristina. Kristina at this point is burying her face into Colin’s chest so hard I worry she’s going to crack one of his ribs. Such a pity for her then that,

she is the one in the Bottom Two. Not a happy cat there. Yup, Fartem live to fight another day.

Artem is SO THRILLED! Also, what a shame Fern got her Evil Queen face down just at the last possible minute. You’ve got to be on your paso doble from second 1 Fern. Artem’s already basically promsied to do it naked, so we already know it’s going to be bobbins.

Now it’s time for that part of the week where Tess gets to pick on Darcey. Check out her intonation here : “Now Darcey, YOU said on Saturday night that Colin’s salsa was SAUCY. But it seems like it wasn’t enough…”. Poor Darcey, not even she deserves that. Anyway, Tess then asks her why Colin is in the Bottom Two, and she replies that it is clearly because the public picked up on his footwork faults. Yeah, that’ll be it Darcey. She does, rest assured, still believe that Colin still has Natural Rhythm. Well yes Darcey, he is still black, despite make-up’s best efforts to bury everyone under enough slap that they all look Sontaran.

Up to Claud 9 now and

it’s alright Artem. She’s here for another three weeks, max. There’s no need to try to throttle this one. We just about managed to get Holly Valance breathing again after she dared to bum off her third training session in a week for a fag and a kebab, let’s not tempt fate again. Claudia turns to them, as Artem briefly stops crushing Fern’s windpipe, and asks them if there was shock going on there when they were revealed to be safe. I believe the MODERN term is PTSD, Claudia. Fern says she was shocked, but on the other hand she’s got a big pile of ironing to get back to at home if she had been eliminated. Still, she’s really glad, because she and Artem both thought that she was done for.

“Thought”/”hoped”. It’s all much of a muchness.

Claudia then turns to Nicky, and talks to him about “his ickle face” as the results were being announced. Nicky says it was horrible, because before he was always announced safe early on, but this week they were properly goosing him for drama, and he didn’t like it. Richard blethers that Nicky should be glad, because he’s ALWAYS called safe towards the end, then starts

stroking Nicky, suggestively, on the back of the head. So handsy.

Claudia then calls Richard out on jumping up and down in ecstacy with Erin (seriously, that was the closest I’ve seen Erin to looking present since…the Austin years) and he says that he’s been called out on pouting and having a saggy bottom so far, so they’ll have to excuse him if he takes his moments of glory (/heavy petting) where he can. We close with Claudia asking who watches “It Takes Two” every single night of the week.

Bless Karen. She loves Waite’s Wednesday Warm-Up SO MUCH.

There then follows a brief advert for It Takes Two.

Well I’m sold. And don’t get too cocky Jordan, I’m sure he’s got you outgunned in…well I think we all know where that’s going don’t we? Let’s just leave it.

As the sound of Dionne Warwick being a glorious slag fade from view, it’s time for the DREADED DANCE-OFF!

Look, there it went. Craig saved Colin for being more dynamic and the better dancer, Darcey saves him for showing no nerves and coming back stronger, and Bruno saves him for being just stronger, generally. Len then gets a bit huffy and says that he would have saved Sid & Ola, because Colin was incapable of getting through the routine without getting the same bit wrong over and over again. You know, of the two times he did it.

And so it is time for RICKAY to leave Strictly, without nearly as many jokes on that theme as you’d expect. He says he’s loved every minute of it and that he’d just like to thank Ola for all her support and teaching. It’s been so much fun and he now feels comfortable going out and dancing. Just…maybe not to the Ghostbusters theme. Ola then thanks Sid for being a great partner, and then says “sorry” far too many times, clearly believing this is mostly her fault. Well that’s depressing.

To cheer us all up, here are the wide range of faces James & Denise were pulling as they awaited what they clearly were anticipating to be her SHOCK BOTTOM TWO PLACEMENT that never came.






Well I feel better already.

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14 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Week 4 Results

  1. stevenperkins

    JUSTICE FOR FAT DEAF OLD KIRSTY! Not before time, too.

    I feel a bit sorry for Sid and Ola – I feel like they’ll both be wondering “what if” for a while, considering the circumstances of the week leading up to this show. I’m still not entirely sure if he was a contender who got a really unfortunate draw of dances, or if he was always destined to be an early boot and just got unusually lucky on his first dance.

    Reply
    1. Neio

      I think Sid was more of a victim of Ola’s terrible choreography than anything. That Rock of Ages ‘Tango’ was one of the worst dances I’ve ever seen on this show.

      James surely wins for Safety Sex Arms, even if not Safety Sex Face – look at those muscles! I’ll be in my bunk…

      Reply
  2. Crunchy Frog

    “…the casting for the Gimme Gimme Gimme prequel is ongoing.” Fabulous. (Please don’t give Auntie any ideas, though: the death of the original horror was a long time coming).

    And it’s alright drawing attention to Nicky’s trouser malfunctions, but you’re ignoring Vincent. Every week now when he and Tracy are put through he’s pulling the “Wa-hey! Look no hands!” move while Dani’s grimace indicates that “the eagle has landed” once again but he’s punched slightly the wrong co-ordinates into the gps. Take a look.

    Was James supposed to be Hank Scorpio this week ?

    Reply
  3. Carl

    Sontaran reference!

    Those James/Denise faces work much better in caps than onscreen. Have James and Ola ever been in the bottom two at the same time?

    I couldn’t make any sense out of the pro dance so again turn to your caps for guidance.

    Richard butting in to Nicky’s interviewed annoyed me a little. He always has to be “on.” I was happy for him that the public saved him (Erin seemed like she was surprised and then sort of putting on the happiness), but I wish he wouldn’t overcompensate.

    Claudia is starting to make the results show more her own. Her line deliveries when she’s with Tess are so much like watching an old clip of cheesy variety shows – she is Sonny or Cher reading the bad lines, waiting for the laugh track. The backstage segments are entertaining and then you have the real moments which sometimes slip through, like Claudia pretending to be scared, only for Richard to actually scare her (we didn’t see her reaction – probably telling him to piss off).

    Kristina’s received a lot of criticism for her behavior in the results show, but I could understand how she feels. This partnership has been a mistake from the start, but she’s worked very hard to keep it going. She may also have lingering PTSD from Jason.

    Did you notice Michael and Natalie immediately running to comfort Victoria when she was safe? She must be curled up into a ball backstage.

    I’m surprised Paloma hasn’t been on CBB yet.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Ola’s very first bottom 2 was against James – the infamous Spoony vs Georgina bottom 2.

      You really could see Richard to wait for Nicky to finish speaking so he could get his line in. Then again, that’s more than Widdy used to do.

      I think Richard & Erin were in there comforting her as well. They seem to have a little balcony support group going for her.

      I can’t imagine Paloma willingly appearing on camera without make-up.

      Reply
    1. Crunchy Frog

      Yes, it does. Looks just like that ancient “Would you be more careful if it was you who got pregnant ?” ad. Which was utterly revolting, no matter how laudable the intention behind it.

      Reply
  4. pamminxy

    Natalie’s safety sex face looks more like she is coming back up with something in her eye!

    I take it that that ghostbusters was one of Erin’s creations then!
    pml at the andrex puppy and now feel the need to go try spot it for myself!

    Poor Artem, he is soooo not loving this series is he? Forget Richard’s pawing of Erin – Fern’s treating Artem like a lap dog makes me cringe more (much more than Brucie with Dani), and it’s killing him trying to do the fake nicey nicey. Do you think Kara has hidden his razor for safety?
    Best safety sex face EVAH!!! (until they get booted lol)
    Somehow I don’t think his Island has palm trees and pina coladas, more like racks and hot lead for one very special guest! Maybe he invites Phil S along to join him!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Bruce does, at least, appear to have stopped with Dani. There is a void in the show left for all the jokes where he perves on women and they tell him that they hate him though. I’m sure it will be filled soon. Maybe they could bring back Holly, just for that.

      Reply
  5. Tara

    Oh, I just LOVED the part where Fern practically devoured Artem’s hand RIGHT ON THE BLOODY MICROPHONE and wouldn’t stop. Loved it to bits. Really! *eyetwitch* I’m sure the audience in the room loved hearing that blaring over the sound system as well. Poor things.

    Anyway, once they said that Sid was dancing against Colin, I knew it was all over. Colin could walk through his routine like Jerry Hall and still be better than whatever Sid was doing.

    Fern’s next, I think. Thankfully Michael’s got the Foxtrot this week, and from what I saw on Friday’s ITT, it looks pretty damn good. Richard is looking on the way out, but he also has a ballroom that looks at least passable. Fern’s got the Paso and…yeah no.

    Reply

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