Sometimes Gary does something that makes you remember why he’s still (notionally) employed by the show. And staring Tulisa down and telling her that she stinks of fags is undoubtedly up there with that time he told Frankie Cocozza live on television that every time he’d told him he could sing, he’d been lying. Really, to have Tulisa ramble on with whatever irrelevant stuff she was saying about Christopher Maloney‘s fiftieth cruise-ship performance (now with actual haunted cruise-liner) like there are really any options for things they can do with him (what, are they supposed to try and make him relevant? They just as well try might to make him into yoghurt), and to have it met with “yeah, well, you stink of stale fags!”? Amazing. Totally playground, but then Tulisa descended onto that particular slide-set repeatedly last year, so what can you do? I was also briefly excited when I realised during the sing-off that Gary actually has long-running feuds now with all three of the other mentors, over one thing or another. What a miserable STAR.
Also Kyesones is still here, and this week took on the supposedly unconquerable “Let Me Entertain You”. Well the show acted like it was unconquerable. In reality all of Robbie’s FUNFUNFUN songs are written for a range that Status Quo would sniff down their nose at due to how limited it is so… They did manage to make him look actually fit for the first time ever this week though, so well done, even if the song itself was a slowed down dirge of a song that only works because of its tempo.
So Nicole Shitslinger is now the only mentor left with all her mentals intact. You might wonder why that is, but really the boys category is owed a strong showing this year and let’s face it, her tendency of turning up looking like something Bob Mackie sneezed out in a cheese dream hasn’t hurt. This week yet again her strongest artist was James Arthur as he closed out the show with a muted growl through “Sweet Dreams” that sounded about ten times more rough-edged than anything this show’s done before, whilst still sounding a bit weak by real-world standards. As the bookmakers odds stand he’s still a distant third in the betting behind Jahmene and Ella, which seems odd to me, as it’s a boy’s year to win and I’ve yet to hear much negative opinion about him. And let’s face it, with the backing of Emily Sunday & The Labyrinths behind him, how can he fail?
Rylan Clark on the other hand continued to have a bit of a crappy week. Oh sure, he got the endorsement of (the people who run the twitters of) Robbie Williams and Kylie Mingoue (solely to piss off Gary) and sure Nicole sang Happy Birthday to him at his birthday party with her boobs hanging out (I don’t care if he’s a homo, you’ve always got to appreciate that). But Gary appears to have succesfully driven him into the “I want to show I can REALLY SING!” sandtrap, that nobody really cares about. He’s a gonner next week, no matter how much Gary might pimp out the fact that everyone backstage loves him (I bet Maloney doesn’t. I bet he’s a right “I’m the only gay in the village and at least I’m DIGNIFIED” sort). Jahmene‘s celebrity endorsement was barely less starry, with Samuel L Jackson saying that he, in fact, had not had it with this motherfucking Jahmene on this motherfucking X Factor. But then he decided to genderswap “Killing Me Softly”, which isn’t even a song with a HINT of sexual content, so he can take his gay panic and go home.
And so it was that I narrowly doged the bullet of having to pretend about this year’s X Factor again as for the second time this series, one of Louis’ interchangable boybands found themselves stuck in a sing off. This time it was Union J who found themselves with the crappy end of the stick, despite what Louis (and indeed the producers) were clearly hoping. I was watching This Morning today (don’t ask), and noticed that the focus has now very much changed from ELLAJAMESUNIONJ to ELLAJAMESJAHMENE. Poor the boybands. So easily dumped. I guess the writing was on the wall when they tried to recreate the “No Good Advice” video without having the requisite hair-swishing experience. Also when they tried to make out like HOARDES OF GIRLS were waiting outside the X Factor Mansion for them, but clearly it was just two home-schooled girls and their mum running around with a steadicam strapped to their heads accompanied by four of the prettiest researchers from Xtra Factor. Who even knows what District Twee did this week? I know it was a mash-up, because Gary spent the whole time afterwards complaining about how he hates mash-ups and medleys and all associated works. Oh yeah, and Nicole revealed she’d never seen A Clockwork Orange.
Exciting times at The X Factor judges table.
Well…Tulisa had a stinker of a week then? (No pun intended). First there was FAGASHGATE or whatever the media will choose to call it, then the news that Lucy Spraggan was going to be unable to carry on her recent run of decent performances because she had a hangover and was still picking last night’s lamb bhuna out of her guitar strings. Or something. Then the bloom came off the Ella Henderson rose somewhat, as she failed to match up to the challenge of inserting an effing Westlife style key-change into an Evanescence song. Whoever thought that was a good idea needs examining quite frankly. It sounded like she was trying to take off from Heathrow without a clear run-up, crashing into the traffic control tower on the way up.
Finally, we said goodbye to Jade Ellis who was finally forced into the coffin they started marking out for her last week. Kudos to her girl-child though, for utterly ignoring Tulisa when she turned up as Lady Bountiful to Jade’s tower block. I guess passive smoking(/FAG ASH BREATH( is a real danger at that age more than any other… Really it’s hard to remember a performance as ill-conceived as Jade’s attempt to do “Freak Like Me” in recent X Factor memory. And that’s saying something. Vocally outmatched, swamped in backing dancer, and dressed SPECTACULARLY incorrectly, Jade was swimming against a tide that she just couldn’t overcome. I’d say it was uncomfortable viewing, but we were about two hours into the show at that point, and I was already in a coma…