Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Week 4 Performance

Strictly goes Hallowe’en! (Or in the case of Nicky “Hello Peen!”)

We open with the news that

Evil Moira Ross is back, for one week only! To be fair these newbie producers attempts at Comedy VTs last week were so half-hearted that you don’t begrudge her coming back to show them how you REALLY make them suck. You can just imagine her, sat at her giant solid oak desk (with carved wooden gargoyles at each end, and a concealed trapdoor over a fiery pit in front) looking at last week’s efforts and shaking one of her heads. “No, no, no, this will not do” *bites head off live mouse* “that one’s got a PUNCHLINE!”.

We are reminded briefly of last week’s events : Louis brought back the salsambchambo, Ola brought back the headbanger tango, Lisa brought back her Week 1 cha cha, Victoria brought back the PENDLEDRAMA, Natalie brought back the routine she did with Mark Foster on tour, Colin brought back a stuffed, mounted moose from Canada, Erin brought back 80s powersuits and Artem invented a whole new type of Charleston that involved Fern waving an umbrella round then doing the splits. In the end though it was Jerry who left, at her most inspirational moment to any nascent drag queens watching.

HER PUSSY WAS QUITE LITERALLY ON FIRE. (It’s drag slang, go with it)

This week’s show however is coming LIVE from

the punchline to an offensive joke about the Japanese. Poor ducks. In honour of this most spooky of weeks, we learn that

PENDLEDRAMA has added actual hypnosis to her range of Evil Manipulative Fembot Powers, Pasha’s attempts to get some spark of electricity between himself and the Kimbot go horribly wrong as she

leaks it all over the room, and Colin and Lisa run in terror at the sight of the

MAN IN THE BAT!

CREDITS TIME!

Of all the things Karen must regret about her stint on the show thus far, getting shot for the opening with her tongue lolling out of her mouth, like Marmaduke hanging out a car window, has to be number one, right? Nice to see some of the other female pros have

put on weight though.

LIVE!

And it’s time for our official Hallowe’en Group Dance, as the gates to the Strictly graveyard are guarded by

this mummy. It comes to something when you start eyeing up decaying corpses wrapped in bandages and toilet paper and thinking “well he looks like a bit of alright”. Theme Weeks eh? Can’t beat them!

Anyway, situated in the graveyard are our pros, all dressed up for a Hallowe’en Dinner Party.

Brenda’s table manners are as impeccable as ever I see. I am, as usual, astonished how about one time in four I think Kristina’s overdone make-up works stunningly well for her, as opposed to the other three times where I think it looks like she fell face-first into the Rimmel factory from a great height, and tore half her clothing off on the way down. Everyone is in their best fancy-dress dud except Anton who

let’s face it, probably dresses like this to get a pint of milk from Tesco Metro for his midnight cocoa.

They’re all dancing about randomly to “Thriller” which…is an optimistic angle on things I guess. Halfway through the celebrities

zombie their way down the stairs to confront the pros in a face-off to see who

is wearing the worst costumes. It’s basically the video for “It’s Like That” by Run DMC vs Jason Nevins but

just a tad camper. That video really would have been heightened by Erin being at the side the entire time, dressed like Lady Sovereign, looking FURIOUS. I’m loving that that’s her role in the pro dances this year. Stuff happens – Erin looks pissed off about it.

All the pros and celebs then tango back and forth, apart from those who have been designated as those who have to

go munch on the judges, with Darcey obviously hating every second. I mean, who could possibly enjoy the thought of Artem nibbling on your collar bone? *shudder*. Once Fern’s done sucking the juice out of Len, it’s time for everyone to line up and do the “Thriller” dance.

Just because. Flavia makes a mental note to do this next year in Movie Week, call it a salsa, and get 8s across the board. In the end

something, something, Craig something. It usually is these days, isn’t it? My favourite moment of the whole routine was Karen’s

tribute to Nancy Dell’Olio, clutching that goblet of wine and lurching out of her coffin. Never forget.

Or if you’re Bruce

never remember. It’s HALLOWE’EN WEEK BRUCE! ON STRICTLY COME DANCING! HER NAME’S TESS! YOU’RE ON! GO! Meanwhile in the audience

it’s fun spotting the three men whose partners tricked them into thinking the audience was supposed to come in fancy dress as well. Either that or Billy Connolly has returned, to get away from Dr Hammy. She’s read 50 Shades Of Grey now, there’s no stopping her.

Bruce, happily, eventually finds his autocue, as Tess dances Thriller

Frankie Howard style. He welcomes everybody to Hallowe’en Week on Strictly Come Dancing and goes through a lengthy ghost story of his very own, about how he was huanted in his very own house. He heard moaning from his garden, creaking in his bedroom, thumping on the staircase, and frantic screaming as someone tried to enter via the back passage. And none of it was anything to do with him!

(Lucky Wilnelia)

Anyway, in the end it turns out that this haunting was in fact Anton, trying to gaslight Brucie into a stroke so he could take over presenting the show. The fiend! From the audience, Bruce receives solace from another poor sap tricked into turning up in fancy dress on live tv.

As a satsuma.

Bruce goes on to say that fortunately for the celebs, they don’t have to fear Anton, because he got eliminated before he could truss Jerry Hall up in a bungee dressed as the Bride Of Widdystein, bouncing her round the dancefloor like a string-bean yo-yo. All they’ve got to worry about is their GREATEST STRICTLY FEAR. BEING VOTED OFF!

To be honest, I think there’s quite a few of them who’d take it as a mercy. And then of course there’s Victoria, for whom it would be the greatest day of her life, as she hurls herself down the staircase to the Tessanine, then sets herself on fire and accidentally immolates John Prescott.

Time to meet the star of our show!

Natalie’s boundless enthusiasm, often over literally nothing. OI’M WAR-KING DEARN STIERES! IT’S THE MOST EXCOYTING TOIME OYVE HID ON STRICKLY! MOYCHUL IS SO AMOYZING IT HOLDING MOY AHHHHM! OI CUDUNT ORSK FOR INIYTHING MOAR! OI’M SO PRAHD UF IM!

Once everyone’s out, Bruce says that we will be seeing the celebrities perform in a variety of styles tonight, sadly not including “Gangnam Style”. Or, as Bruce dances it

“BangNan Style”. The celebs then show him how it’s done properly and

that truly should have been a group dance shouldn’t it? Complete with emogirl82 singing the song. Karen in particular looks like she’s having more fun than she’s ever had. Ah well, what could have been…

Once everyone’s done riding their invisible ponies, and Bruce has stopped yelling at them all, because this was supposed to be ALL ABOUT HIM DAMNIT (makes a change…) he explains how the scoring works (the couples will dance, then be scored mostly based on how much better they were than last week) and we, as usual, find ourself beamed up to Starship Karen where the lady herself as come as

Poison Ivy. Presumably because she’s liable to cause severe irritation on prolonged contact.

Velma Dinkley and Sue Barker dancing the cha cha

I mean…this show’s male wig-work was never its strongest suit (*cough*BENNETT*cough*) but they could at least make it the right colour, if not the right length. He doesn’t look Fred or Shaggy, really it’s a combination of both. Shred? Faggy? Bruce says “here they are in training” and I hope we’re all sufficiently prepared for that to be a big fat lie.

In her VT Tracy says that she was really worried about her feet doing the right thing last week, but it seems like she pulled it off. Seriously Tracy, I think the only thing that you could have done with your feet that would have put the public off that routine was kick Betty. Speaking of which, we all happily relive the moment when

Betty bit Vincent, and everyone acted far more concerned for the dog. Quite right too, you never know where Vincent’s been. He merrily snorts that he’ll be dancing with another dog this week!

So mean! Tracy may not have the long willowy limbs of a Kimberley, or the brazen sexuality of a Fern Br…oh wait, apparently he’s talking about Scooby Doo. Apparently. We close on Tracy saying that she really liked it last week when Len called her a munchkin. Keep your fetishes to yourself dear… Honestly, these child stars. They grow up so weird.

“Training” now and Tracy whimpers that there’s an evil presence lurking around their training room, in this Hallowe’en Week,

Piss off Widdy, you won’t be needed for “rehearsals” with Russell until next week. Then again, this “evil presence” gate-crashes the background of interviews

dry-humps the furniture and does

LOLARIOUS THINGS like TIE VINCENT & TRACY’S SHOELACES TOGETHER, so I’m guessing it’s actually more likely to be James or Denise in there. BANTER PRANKY LOLS!

To get away from the mysterious evil presence, Vincent and Tracy go to Thorpe Park at midnight, because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from Scooby Doo, is that abandoned fun-fairs are the best places to go for safety and tranquility. Anyway, the evil being surprises Tracy on a rollercoaster

(still not the worst anybody’s had during a ride with Vincent Simone…) then she and Vincent run around screaming as the theme tune from The Munsters plays. It’s going to be a long week isn’t it?

To the DANCEFLOOR now and

why is Jimmy Saville driving the Mystery Machine? In this week of all weeks. Vincent and Tracy are, of course, doing the cha-cha to the Scooby Doo theme tune. As you do.

I’m not sure I ever remember Velma dressing like that. Really her sexual allure was in her demureness and fierce rationalist intellectualism, not sparkly hot-pants and a peekaboo midriff. Also it helped that Fred never let Daphne speak to other men and, let’s face it, probably knocked her about a bit. It WAS the 70s. Frankly it undermines the credibility of the whole routine. I mean

did Shaggy ever look at anything that OPENLY SEXUALLY on the show other than maybe a sandwich? It’s the dance equivalent of doing a Google search for Lisa Simpson with the safe-search off, and suffering the deluge of pastel yellow incest that follows.

At the end

the monster returns, and is

UNMASKED. Turns out it’s Old Man Anton. I guess the clues were there – the monster was the right height, had backstage access, and appeared during a cringey Latin routine. He mouths

“I would have got away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids”. Vincent Simone is 33.

Over to the judges now where said four horsemen of the Wankpocalypse are all dressed up with a subtle Hallowe’en motif.


Craig has a sparkly skull broach, Darcey has a diamante skull tiara, Bruno has a big bloody handprint on his shoulder (sometimes fisting goes VERY wrong I guess) and Len…oh no, wait, that’s just Len. He starts by saying that if that dance was food, it would be a sausage sandwich.

That’s hardly fair Len – the gristly old banger wasn’t even revealed until the very end! Actually, apparently Len means this as a compliment. God only knows how. Bruno follows, but he can’t stop laughing because he felt like he was watching Loose Women in the middle of that routine, with Vincent as

Denise Welch. It’s uncanny. I’m presuming Tracy is Janet Street Porter? He tells Tracy that she had very good, neat footwork, but that she needs to dance bigger, and extend her lines, because it’s all a bit pinched currently.

Craig follows, saying that her spins and footwork were great, but he agrees with Bruno – she needs to extend her lines and accentuate her finishes, otherwise it won’t look right. She was also very late with her arms in “the first New York thing”. It just didn’t have the finesse and Latin flair you’d expect of someone dancing to the Scooby Doo theme tune I guess. Darcey closes by disagreeing ENTIRELY, saying that Tracy pulled off so many moves, so fast, in such a short amount of time, and it really impressed her. GOOD JOB GIRL! Darcey then turns to Craig and says “YOU’RE WRONG!”. Oooh, feisty Darcey. This of course leads to

Len jabbing away as well, and Bruno going “hoooooooooooooooo!”. It might notionally be Hallowe’en, but it’s always Panto season on Strictly.

Up to the Tessanine they dooby doo and Vincent catches sight of himself on camera for the first time all episode and is

frankly appalled. He exclaims “I thought the monster on stage was Anton, no? I look like the monster! I look really bad!”. Seriously, and his crotch has been so mashed down the Hallowe’en film he most appears to be paying tribute to is Sleepaway Camp. Tracy protests that Vincent still looks good, and Tess snarks that he certainly looks “special”, like she has any room to talk.

She goes on to ask Tracy why she always looks so scared whilst she’s receiving criticism from the judges, and Tracy replies that it is because it’s scary. She goes on to say she really enjoyed herself on the dancefloor though, despite how hard it was trying to keep a straight face whilst dancing with

this. Sadly, disturbed, Vincent’s wig bites him. He’s just not one for animals is he? Scores are in

27. Obviously Craig wasn’t THAT wrong then…

It’s been a long time coming really hasn’t it?

Simon Cowell & Dannii Minogue dancing the paso doble

Bruce says that Richard told him that he enjoys nothing more than telling spooky stories around a campfire. Because that’s all the Daybreak budget will run to these days. Last week he had to interview Demi Lovato with a marshmallow on a stick and hope nobody noticed. Then Lorraine ate it. Bruce then asked Richard how he made a camp fire and Richard replied that he takes a normal fire then

I BUM IT WITH MY BIG GAY PENIS! BUM BUM BUMMITY BUM! LOLGAY!

VT now, and Richard tells us that his quickstep last week was a giddy caper, and that he had a ball.

Looks like it. He says that he feels really good that the judges were positive, and he’s moving forwards into this week feeling good as well. He’s got no idea what “fresh hell” awaits him, but he feels good. Oh Richard, nothing on this show is fresh, don’t worry.

Training now and

oh God, she’s finally gone entirely. It’s like the end of Brazil. Fortunately for us all, she’s partnered with Richard and he keeps kissing her fingers, licking her neck and…I dunno flicking her nipples, in an ENTIRELY NON SEXUAL GAY BEST FRIEND WAY until she comes

lurching back, just to stop the violation. Richard tells us that, once she came back, Erin decided they were going to do a paso doble to “O Fortuna”

YOU RANG?!

Ahem.

Anyway, Richard says that he’s really struggling with the music this week, as it’s “not exactly a floor-filler”. Yes, so many paso doble performed to banging house choons. He says that the music is so filling his head that it’s permenantly warped his perception of reality. He’s hearing it whilst getting ready in the morning, whilst checking in at training,

whilst filming stupid Comedy VTs that make no sense, and most horribly of all, Erin has changed his ring-tone to O Fortuna as well!

I love the idea that Erin knows how to change somebody’s ring-tone, when the only phone she’s used since 2008 is one consisting of a coconut and a bit of string. I also love that Richard’s phone has come up with a “decline” option, like you could decline a call from Erin Boag without her crawling out of the screen of your phone like the little girl from The Ring.

TO THE DANCE-FLOOR!

Apparently Erin was sick as a dog due to high fever the whole way through this routine. Heaven knows what it looked like inside her head. It looked flipping mental from where I’m sitting.

Everything’s on fire and Richard’s looking like a demonic Cornish Pasty with scribble on stubble. The dance is basically Austin’s Paso, but amped up to even more ridiculous levels of retardo melodrama because Erin knows that Richard isn’t going to be able to dance it with the same level of technical flair. Here are some visual highlights :









Oh Erin, you cracked-out demon-mistress of the insane. That was wonderful. He was walking most of it, but I feel like I have bits of diamante kitchen-sink embeded in my face and I LOVED IT.

It gets a standing ovation, which I can’t imagine it was “supposed” to, so obviously we immediately cut to

some woman dressed as a clown, to undercut things a tad. They swish over to the judges, where Bruce complains that Erin’s fire only half-cooked his sausage.

Bruce, let’s face it, your sausage is going to remain raw, pink and squishy for the rest of the duration of your stay on this show. Lulu was your last chance at getting some action from a contestant, and you blew it. Hard cheese.

Bruno starts for the judges, huffing that Richard was like Gary Numan in a bad temper.

Well quite. It’s like the make-up artist started doing Soo from Sooty & Sweep and changed her mind halfway through. Bruno says that the aggression was all very well, but he was missing the artistry and the beautiful lines that the paso doble demands. The content was great, but his execution was poor. What could be seen of it through Erin firing a flamethrower in everybody’s faces. Craig follows, saying that he liked Richard’s cape-work but he needed to be a lot more earthed, and he never even should have attempted a jette. Richard needed to be more arch (what a surprise – Craig liking things that are ridiculously arch) and all in all he was disappointed.

Poor Erin. She actually tried this week.

Darcey follows, and tells Richard that he was certainly a very spooky matador, but she needed more tilt from his hips and more clench from his bum-cheeks.

Well that will do it. I think my sphincter just disappeared all the way up to my lungs. Len closes by saying that he doesn’t know what Craig was saying, because he was too busy yawning. Actually Len, I’ve checked the tape, and you were ACTUALLY too busy tilting around clutching the bridge of your nose like Frank Butcher in a migraine advert, but it’s all the same I guess. He then praises Richard for being “butch” because heaven knows we almost got through a set of judges comments that didn’t revolve around Richard’s sexuality there. For one whole episode. Would have been nice. Len then goes on to talk about how he used to stick a thruppenny bit up his bum.

You know, for dance reasons only. Of course these days we don’t have thruppenny bits, so I’m just left wondering if these days he regularly gets a pound in the arse, and if he does, which of his fellow judges he takes it from. Probably Darcey.

Up to the Tessanine they go, with Erin briefly stopping off at the hot mummy to offer him a place as a bog-roll holder on Erin Island. She pays good money, and has a solid pension scheme. Once there, we cover again where the judges have placed Richard on the Kinsey Scale this week, and Tess asks him where he got tips on how to be macho from. He replies that he called Sinitta.

She is QUITE manly, yes. Tess goes on to say that the public were on their feet, and Erin mewls “that’s nice” in a way that reeks of “doesn’t that happen every time someone gets through a dance without falling over?”. She asks Richard if he thinks that means he’s done enough to stay out of the dance-off and he replies with what he thinks is a scary face of dominance and command to the voters to spend money on him.

Doesn’t quite work when there’s not the constant fireballs and screching demonic choir behind him does it? Although you can see Iveta taking hints. Scores are in

22

Grotbags & Lumpy dancing the charleston

Apparently Bruce bumped into “Lize” on the way in to the show today, and she complimented him on his “Hallowe’en Face” and asked him if he’d just come out of make-up. If you can’t see the punchline coming from just that intro, then I pity you, deeply.

In her VT, Lisa grins that she got another standing ovation last week, as well as very complimentary comments from Craig, and she can’t quite believe it. We then revisit her and Robin

rampaging around backstage like an out-of-control hen-night. However, it wasn’t all good news, as we’re reminded that Darcey criticised her lack of bounce, and Len criticised her footwork. She promises to both of them that she’ll get both of these things right, at some point. Good job she’s got the highly technical and exacting Charleston next, to really show off those technical skills eh?

Training, and Lisa says she’s going to be doing her Charleston to “Witch Doctor” so she’s going to have the opportunity to play a BATTY WITCH!

The role of BATTY DOCTOR sadly having already been taken two series ago.

Said batty witch is going to teach Robin how to be a witch (because let’s face it, he knows all there is to know about how to be batty, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN *waggles cigar like Groucho Marx*), and so, in order to get her her PGCE in teaching spells, Robin is going to take her to the Harry Potter theme park.

Once there, they gaze in awe at all the props and staging. Sorry guys, you’re not going to get to use anything NEARLY this expensive looking. They stumble upon some bottles containing an odd-coloured liquid, and Robin announces

“let’s just drink it, and see what happens!”. What a great message for the kids. Although that IS my mantra for getting through theme weeks. “What happens” is that the potion grants Lisa something that

makes Robin very happy indeed. Well that will save the NHS hundreds of thousands each year. HOORAY FOR MAGIC!

To the dance-floor and

Lisa is about to teach Robin how to make people fall in love via the medium of dance. Specifically, the Charleston. In which case she’s neglecting her duties as a teacher, as she should just be teaching him that bloody gurnfest that Team Cola did, rather than performing the same old stuff she’s done for two of the last three weeks, but worse. The whole routine is basically one of those kids birthday party tapes you put on to keep 8 year olds happy whilst you get the cake out of the box.

Wave your arms

stomp your feet

take a trip to A & E.

And the whole thing is done to a version of Witch Doctor that’s been pitch-shifted so aggressively I wonder briefly if they’ve let Tess sing again. I mean, I’d say that we all know that Lisa can do this sort of thing by now, but after this week, I’m not even sure of that any more. Get this girl into ballroom, NOW.

Tom Daley’s baffled slow-clapping at the end is truly a sight to behold though. You’d never get this at the Olympics. He’s only one of the minor Olympians, and even he knows this is for mortals only. The routine gets a standing ovation, even without his blessing, and it’s time to welcome Davearch

looking marginally less severe than usual.

Craig starts, by saying that he thinks it was “acted well, but danced poorly”. There was no cross, and she had no swivvel in her left foot at all, and as such it wasn’t a Charleston.

WELL SOMEONE’S TURNED. Darcey starts by sneering “again, no” and saying that that was the fastest Charleston she’s ever seen. Given that she saw Chris Hobbit sprint around the dance-floor at 100mph, and then scored it 10, I’m not sure who she thinks she’s fooling. It was barely the fastest Charleston we’ve seen this series.

Len is next, and says he saw plenty of “ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang”. Sadly no “ooo-eee”s though. So work on that. Still it was fun, and he really doesn’t think it was supposed to be a Charleston really, more of a parody of a Charleston. Well, if any dance needed parodying…

Bruno closes by saying she was going for it like a “spinning banshee on a Nimbus 2000”. Given that the arrival of a banshee traditionally was supposed to auger doom and death, I’d say that was accurate.

Anyway, Bruno then flounces around so hard that a bit of him falls off.

It was only a matter of time. Frankly we should be all glad it was a bit of costume, and not an organ. He then says that he agrees with the other judges that her footwork was poor, but really it was only because that charleston was so fast and…you know, satirical.

Up to the Tessanine they walla their bing-bangs and Tess asks if it’s actually possible for Lisa to do a routine that’s even FASTER than that one. Because yes, speed is the hallmark of quality. For their salsa, Robin’s going to shove her round the floor in a shopping trolley whilst she does vogue arms. 10s all round. Robin himself then takes personal responsibility for Lisa’s lack of swivvel, because he personally attached rubber souls to the heels of her shoes to stop her losing balance.

Such a gentleman. At least where rubber is concerned anyway. We then learn that next week they have a tango. Thank Christ for that. Scores are in :

26

The Dustbusters dancing the cha cha

Bruce starts by saying that it’s a good job that Sid made his name in a soap opera, because there’s been a bit of drama this week.

That’s right, this show just made a direct comparison between Ola returning to Poland to be with her mother following a potentially fatal heart attack, to that time Bianca got nicked for flogging knock-off puffa jackets from her market stall. STAY CLASSY, STRICTLY!

VT time, and Sid says that he was really pleased with his tango last week, and was shocked when the judges gave him a grilling. You were the only one Sid. He worked so hard, and he felt like he just got stomped. Still, he hopes he can pull a great performance out of the bag this weekend.

Oh well.

Training now, and Sid explains to us all that Ola unfortunately can’t train with him this week so guess who’s stepped in?

That’s right, it’s Strictly’s very own Jonah Jinx. I honestly can’t think of anyone who has a worse record in competetive reality shows, bless her. They should hire her out to Simon Cowell as a weapon. Just have her do some contemporary wafting behind Christopher Maloney and it’d shift him out NO PROBLEM. Of course, not even she is safe from the Comedy VTs, as she proclaims that she can feel something weird happening.

Sid protests that he can’t feel anything odd at all, but Iveta keeps on complaining that she feels uneasy. Then Sid goes to the doors, and finds out that someone has locked them! Is it Iveta? From the inside? Because whilst Sid is frantic about being locked in, she’s not bothered, starts touching him up,

and has a pop up tent handy.

This is some serious Single White Female shizz going on. First Aliona, now this. I swear, next week Ola’s going to have grown 4 inches, lost a bit of weight, have ginger roots and James is going to be looking VERY PUZZLED. Fortunately for us all

Ola herself returns just in time to avert this course of events. Iveta doesn’t look

at all busted. No sir. She wasn’t at all trying to steal your life whilst you were away Ola, no sir. Tum-ti-tum. *legs it*

Speaking of busted

here’s Sid & Ola’s cha-cha, which is busted beyond repair. Even their previously charming attempts to one-up Louis’ gymnastics fall a bit flat.

I remember doing that move at my Year 5 disco, and it wasn’t dancing then either. I mean…you can hear people openly laughing at him whilst he’s doing it, which is never comfortable. Anyway, I hate to mock this because really with the week they’ve had, the only way they were getting out of this bind is by relying on Sid’s natural latin talent.

Which I think is up on the list of things I’d depend on in a crisis with “Victoria Pendleton’s clear head”, “Tracy Beaker’s ability to teach the biscuit tin” and “Jared Murillo”. He dances the whole thing like it’s the slow-motion running at the start of Baywatch, let’s move on.

I don’t know why they’re doing the whole thing with speed-guns either. Maybe the Ghostbusters got transferred to traffic cop duty after all the ghosts realised that New York’s a dump these days and Vancouver is REALLY where it’s at.

Up on the Tessanine, Denise

smiles the benign smile of someone stuck next to the husband of the woman who had to leave her sick mother to do that dance. It was MARVELLOUS. Darcey starts for the judges, saying that it was fabulous to see more dance content from Sid this week, but there was worry and concentration on his face. And rightfully so. Anyway Darcey says that’s what was wrong with it, and she wanted to see Cheeky Sid again, as though a couple of winks and a bum-grope would have made that fun. Len next, and he giggles that Sid has the perfect partner for the night…OLA-WEEN!”. Ola’s face says

“oh, yeah, sure, when it’s for a joke, then you can see it correctly, sure”. Do you think make-up just thought “oh we bunged half of the Debenhams counter on everyone else’s face, so why not Ola? It doesn’t matter that Aunt Sally wasn’t actually IN Ghostbusters”? I do. He follows this with a mini pep-talk to Sid, saying that he played it too safe and he needs to come out next week and GIVE IT SOME WELLY etc etc. Bruno follows by saying that he agrees with Len – you can see the thought process on Sid’s face and it has to go. He personally chucked his out the window years ago.

Craig finishes by droning “Hallowe’en NIGHTMARE” and then indicating he’s not going to say anything else. Sid guffaws “THANKS CRAIG!” and runs off. Well that will take the edge off rather.

Up to the Tessanine they bust their ghoulies

where they find Iveta waiting for them. She’s already got a bit of a blonde streak in her hair. Juss sayin. Tess tells Sid to ignore Craig, because it’s what the people at home think that matters. Oh well. Sid thanks Iveta for stepping in for Ola on short notice, and says that this whole week has been like an “OLADAY” without Ola.

“LOOK, I CAN DO BRUCIE JOKE FACE AND LAUGH AT FUNNY PUN THING OLD MAN SAY EVEN THOUGH I NOT GET OBSCURE REFERENCES TO FRANCES DE LA TOUR, WIZBIT AND LIBERAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY! HA HA HA GO IVETA AND STILL DO TOP NOTCH PASO DOBLE WITH TOP BRITISH LACROSSE COMMONWEALTH STAR MEDALIST! YOU GO CRAZY NOT TO HIRE IVETA!”

Tess asks Sid if he’ll come back with attitude next week, and he says yes. Tess then turns to “ohh-la” and says “I’ll tell you what the nation is thinking”. Is it “GET THE WOMAN’S PIGGING NAME RIGHT, YOU’VE BEEN WORKING WITH HER FOR SEVEN YEARS NOW”? I think it is. Scores are in

17

Dr Frankenweenie and THE Bride Of Liechtenstein dancing the tango

Seriously, some times you can NOT put eye make-up on people, you know? That detailing they’ve done on her lipstick though is wonderful, and of course, nobody will notice it. Story of Karen’s Strictly Stint I’m guessing. Anyway, Bruce reminds us that last week he said the word “chillax”. Must have driven that from my memory with drink and/or a screwdriver. Apparently Nicky took umbrage at this, as using hip urban slang (you know, like “chillax”) should solely be the preserve of Westlife, with their hits “Bop Bop Baby”, “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?” and “Let’s Have A Lovely Cuddle”. Bruce then says a load more modern “youth speak”, like “my bad” and “totes”. Nicky’s face looks like it’s

boiling off. You got yourself onto his show Nicky, not me. I wanted Kian.

VT time now, and Nicky grins that last week was great. He proved he could entertain and also do a little bit of dancing. And it only took three weeks. Next stop – THE GLITTERBALL!

Nicky claims that this was the first week he was able to stand in front of the judges with a smile on his face, and then says he’s noticed a pattern with Craig’s scoring. Week 1 he got a 2, Week 2 he got a 4, Week 3 he got a 6, so this week…maybe an 8? Yeah, he used that scoring pattern with Lisa Snowdon, except he kept on doubling it until in the final he had to sellotape together all of the judges paddles together and add another one on to the end. And to think she still lost… travesty.

Training now, and Nicky says that he’s been working with Karen for a couple of months now, so it’s probably about time that he invited her round to his house. Let’s just say that what follows isn’t exactly the time that Kara let Artem through the hedge maze to her parents mansion, where they showed him pictures of her naked on a trampolene, aged 3.

So anyway, Nicky invites Karen in to his “house” and the first thing she says upon entering is

“I have to tell you now…I’m really afraid of the dark!”. Who says that when entering someone’s house? Are they fans of oversharing in Venezuela? “I have to tell you now…raw onions make me pee like the clappers!”. “I have to tell you now…I still had an imaginary friend at age 11!”. “I have to tell you now…I was checking someone out from behind the other day, and then they turned around and it was TOTALLY ANTON!”. Anyway, it turns out that Karen is right to be afraid (/weird) because

it turns out Nicky’s house is haunted by the ghosts of all the women he’s murdered!

COMEDYVTLOLS!

To the dance-floor now and

I think Patsy Kensit worked it better.

See?

Nicky brings Karen to life

and “Weird Science” starts up from the band. You can tell Davearch is getting to use MANY pre-settings on his Casio this week. As a tango it’s not bad, although I guess we could all see that he could do the whole bent knees thing last week.

His movement’s still not at all elegant, and he’s still missing chemistry with his partner, but for some reason I really quite enjoyed this, mostly because he seems to know what he’s supposed to be doing and is doing it with a minimum of trepidation, and Karen is certainly

working the whole “brought to life solely to serve your sexual needs” thing to the hilt. There’s some truly unnecessary Michael Jackson moves at the end, and the climax to the dance’s story is that Karen is

sort of dead again but not quite. Maybe he broke her with the no-no? Anyway this doesn’t beat the end of Patsy’s similarly themed jive, where it turned out the monster was ROBIN WINDSOR and therefore unavailable for her needs.

It gets a standing ovation, as Nicky realises he’s still wearing the glasses he was supposed to take off at the beginning of the routine. Well, I don’t know about you, but that just completely changes the whole meaning of the dance. I don’t like it anymore now. Sorry. Just how it goes.

Len starts for the judges, by saying that there was far more that was good than there was bad about that routine. It could have had tighter hold, and he stomped a lot with his footwork.

Also it looked like his eye was weeping pus? No? Nobody going to mention that? Len does say that it was sharp, crisp and that Nicky got through it. “You got through it” of course being the APEX of Len’s praise. Bruno follows by saying that the WACKY PROFESSOR HAS FOUND HIS SECRET FORMULA. It’s not quite Bruno’s own formula, which is two parts Colombia’s finest to one part Vicks to one part oregano, but it seems to work for him, so whatever. Although he too, found the routine too stompy.

Craig follows, after Bruno and Len have a cuddle…for some reason, to say that Nicky needs to sort his posture out and stop picking his feet up. Quite right – Lisa’s feet barely left the floor last week, and she got a rightful 8 from Craig. He really liked the routine though. FIRST RECORDED PIECE OF PRAISE FOR KAREN HAUER ALL SERIES THERE! Cut it out and put it in your fanbooks, fact fans. Darcey closes by saying that it was all-round entertainment, but he needs to pick his knees up so it looks like he’s stalking, rather than marching. And Darcey knows all about stalking.

Just ask Colin.

Up to the Tessanine they rattle their pots and pans, and Tess grins that they seem to be getting more positive every week. Nicky says that it’s helpful to him to be able to put on a character and pretend to be a different person in these Theme Weeks. This week he’s put on Michael Vaughan’s cricket whites for example.

He appears to have left Michael Vaughan’s cricket bat in there somewhere as well. Tess asks what character we can expect next week in the rumba. I’m guessing “awkward 14 year old dancing at his first proper school disco and trying to make it not at all obvious he’s popping a stiffy”. And good luck with that one. Scores are in

26. Lower than last week’s mess, which says it all for this year’s scoring really.

The Killer Queen and her gimp dancing the American Smooth

Those scratches aren’t part of his costume incidentally. JELUS KARA strikes again. Bruce reminds us that Fern used to present a programme called “Ready Steady Cook” where the aim was to make a complete meal out of seemingly basic ingredients in the space of 20 minutes. This notion baffles Bruce, probably because he manages it himself within 35 seconds of this show starting every week.

And lawd bless ‘im for it.

VT time now, and Fern says she really liked it when the audience started clapping all over the music, and she felt a real swell of warmth from them as they did so.

Oh thanks a lot FERN, now we’re stuck with it. Just wait, next week she’ll be saying that the comedy VTs really got her in the mood for dancing, and Len’s constant breaks with logical consistancy really made her excited at the inherent randomness they introduce to the judges scoring! She closes by saying she’s happy to have the Charleston over with, and to get on to the next dance.

Which is an American Smooth, to Killer Queen. Artem does love doing the American Smooth in these big themey weeks doesn’t he? What? Blackpool is a theme! The theme is “parquet flooring, donkeys, and constant jokes about the subhuman mutants who populate the NORF”. Speaking of Artem, he offers Fern something to drink to help her to perform to “Killer Queen”. If you’re wondering what it takes to transform a normal person into a Killer Queen, my experiences with Durhan University rugby team suggest about 5 pints. Who knows what Artem favours?

Well, whatever it is, it’s on fire. Which I always take as a sign to NOT drink things, but then I am a bit of a lightweight. Incidentally the show’s prop department is so thorough and thoughful this week that

they’ve left the price sticker on the glass. Well done Anyway, the drink turns Fern into a

Killer Queen and she then turns Artem into a

pumpkin. I love the idea that Fern would cast a spell on Artem to make him MORE covered up. That certainly feels realistic. Apparently this is what Artem was aiming for though, as the whole thing turns into a scene from

“When Porn Goes Wrong : Cinderfella”.

To the dancefloor and

see, THAT’S what I think Fern would magic Artem into, whilst still working within the pre-watershed boundaries she knows so well. Artem rushes to the back of stage, where he turns Fern’s throne around to reveal

a slightly baffled looking Killer Queen. She primps, she preens, she

holds on to her bloody skirt still, and it’s all very

stately and a little sedate. I guess this might work if she were in a froo-froo ballroom frock and this wasn’t a theme week, but the singer is giving it great guns to Queen (for once) and she’s dancing with a flipping slave-gimp. You’d think she might give it a bit more panto. Artem lifts her a couple of times, and she just about avoids looking like a roll of carpet, and then she gets deposited

back on her throne. At least her bosom looks suitably ample anyway. That’s half the battle with these older women. They usually made Lynda Bellingham’s look like a plate of jelly being held in a tea-towel.

Over to the judges, and Bruno’s verdict?

NOT CAMP ENOUGH. Well at least somebody else is getting it. Bruno wanted Killer Queen, not Prissy Dowager. He wanted Craig In Panto, not Craig Going To Bring The Milk In. He goes on to say “the song defines the character defines the dance defines the movement defines what you DO”. How very Yoda. I think we all know Bruno’s trying to lead her to the Dark Side. Darcey goes next, and tells Fern that it was very smooth, and she liked the Bad Queen in her. She think Fern might suit a couple more bad roles during the series. Well discerned Darcey, I think Fern probably thinks about having a bad roll with Artem quite often.

Len finishes by saying that Fern has the “how” but she doesn’t have the “WOW!”. Len has come to the conclusion that Artem isn’t pushing her enough. Fern’s face

does not agree. I think it looks like its had quite enough pushing.

Fern then becomes officially amazing by yelling “LEN! LEN! THERE WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL THERE FOR YOU! DID YOU SEE IT? A HEEL TURN! I DID A HEEL TURN FOR YOU, YOU PRAT! AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET? YOU CAN STICK YOUR 6 PADDLE UP LEN’S GLANS!”. Or words to that effect. Len says that he did see the heel turn yes – she didn’t do it right. Also he saw her check and her weave as well. *shrug*

That whole exchange reminded me of Katya for some reason. *sniff*

Up to the Tessanine they dynamite with their lazy beans, where it is revealed that

Fern is actually turning INTO her dress, as she can’t get her arm to detach from it. Well, this was always the danger. Tess then rells Fern that she noticed her looking a bit worried when the judges suggest that Artem push her harder. Fern says she was afraid, because she’s heard all about Artem’s Terminator Reputation. At this point

Artem starts flapping around and gagging because the dry ice is making his throat all dry and giving him a cough. WHAT A BAD-ASS! Tess then starts down the “was it hard acting like such a nasty person when you’re clearly so lovely?” road that they always used to use for Blankley, and it never convinced me then either. Fern replies that it’s been a tough week, but once she got to the studio, she found herself loving the drama and the staging and the costumes.

I wonder why. Scores are in

21.

Now, the fact we only spoke to three judges then shows that we are in fact behind time at this point. Bruce told us all so last week. So now of course would be a good time not to waste precious minutes by doing unfun…

oh never mind.

Denise van Superfreak & Rolf Harris dancing the cha cha

I mean, I know partnering a woman as loud as Denise might be somewhat stressful but… Or maybe it’s just that he’s embracing his natural grey (*cough*ANTON*cough*)

VT time now, and Denise says that she thought Hollywood Week was a really spectacular show and to get good comments from Craig, who always says what he means, made it really special. Look how special!

I do appreciate James trying to act all football terraces in a kid’s party costume complete with cow-hide waistcoat. You wouldn’t see that at any Premier League club in the country. Well…except maybe Arsenal. Denise says she’s over the moon, but this IS Strictly, so anything could happen this week. Yeah, I mean, even MICHAEL could be good or something.

Training now, and James says that he’s decided that Denise needs to show him a little less cheek, and a little more freak. Oh boo, I was hoping for some James van der Beek. From Dawson’s Creek. Dancing cheek-to-cheek to “Don’t Speak”. In “90s Divas Week”. Dressed as a geek. It would make me weak and be this show’s peak despite Bruce really starting to creak. Not that that’s uniqu[ENOUGH!]

To achieve this transformation, James is taking Denise to

Alesha’s Discount Ear-Ring Warehouse. Those poor people don’t get paid enough. Denise prises them out of Alesha’s shoddy merchandise, before they get tetanus and their skin turns green, and asks them if they have any tips for her, as she’s playing the part of a circus freak this week. Alesha’s Head Elf tells her that he’s got something he could show her.

[JOKE REDCATED]

He and blondey there spin around in the hoops for ages until James is overcome and feels he has to have a go, so he climbs into Alesha’s Head Elf’s ring

[JOKE REDCATED] but he gets stuck, and then Denise “leaves him there”. Probably the wisest move. It’s not going to be pretty trying to get him out…

To the dancefloor and

SUCH A SCARY FREAK! I’m not sure what her deformity is supposed to be, other than “funny coloured eyebrows”. Maybe it’s that she’s too much of a derp to realise she’s much thinner than the gaps between the bars of her cage. Anyway, James cracks the whip and then Denise stumbles out (LOL) and

I just…the jokes write themselves don’t they? You don’t get that impeccable posture without years of practice at sitting on a chair do you? RINGAAHHHH!

The theme of the routine appears to be

DENISE HAS LEGS! And in order to show them off to their maximum sexiness, James is going to have her do as little as possible with them, save some standard-order catwalk strutting. It’s a bit clompy, and sinewy and awkward, and I think it’s fairly obvious she can do better. James does make sure to throw in a few pelvic grinds and

this, just so we don’t all sit there thinking “well Jerry could have done this” the whole way through.

Up on the Tessanine, Tracy thinks

“oh, sure, but I have to do MY cha-cha dressed as Billie Jean King’s more butch daughter, no, that’s FINE”.

Craig starts for the judges, by saying that he’s quite partial to a little whip action. Jeez, first Len talking about using his bumhole as a Piggy Bank, now this. But sadly he found her leg action jolty and wooden

although her timing and spins were brilliant. Len is next and says that Denise never disappoints and always dances to a high standard (apart from that week she didn’t do a single heel lead, eh Len?) but then he

starts waggling his pencil and complaining about the length of her skirt. It’s HALLOWE’EN LEN! When else can a girl dress like a total skank and not get called on it? (I paraphrase from the Holy Text there obviously (ie Mean Girls))

Bruno follows up, calling Denise kinky and slinky and ALL IN THE BEST POSSIBLE TASTE. If he comparing her to a drag act? A drag act with a BEARD? Meow. Sadly that was just in the side by side bits – when she was dancing with James, her command of the basics was quite poor. It’s really simple basic stuff, and she’s just not getting it right. At this point Bruce coos “oooh, you two aren’t used to criticism are you?” when, to be fair, Denise is making a much better fist of not looking pissed off than she did in Week 1. She mews “yeah, but it’s good, it helps you improve” and other stuff like that, before Bruce shoos her off.

Up on the Tessanine, Tess grins that she disagrees with Len entirely (I bet she’ll still give the same score as him though) (let’s all just pause and think of the carnage that would ensue if Tess was a judge) (*sigh*) (although at least AUSTIN’S GUNZZZZ would have made the final…) and that she thinks Denise’s dress was really flattering. Well you would Tess. Denise and James then try to kick the BANTERTRON5000 into action, fail, and so they just go on about her NERVES again. Tess reminds us all that said nerves hasn’t stopped Denise topping the leaderboard for the past two weeks. Does she think she’ll be there again tonight? Denise mithers

“oooh no” and then James makes sure to point out that she tripped over on her way out of the cage. Denise then giggles all “I KNOW! WHAT AM I LIKE? DIZZY BLONDE OR WHAT?!” and the BANTERTRON5000 is BACK IN BUSINESS. Scores are in

28

Fun Fact : this is the first time a discipline has been performed by every single contestant in a series of Strictly. Unfun Fact : it was the BLOODY cha-cha.

The Great Stupendo & Debbie McGrouse dancing the quickstep

I guess it only makes sense that his facial hair is as unconvincing as the rest of it. Bruce says that Michael was telling him about how he took his wife to see the West Indies play at their home ground. Bruce apparently asked “Jamaica?” and Michael replied “yes, she loves the authentic salsa rhythms!”

VT time and we open on the sad news that Cafe Natalie has had to close down because she

set it on fire for the insurance money. Another sad victim of these tough economic times. WHERE WILL I GET MY TUNA NICOISE NOW?! Michael says he never thought he’d be on television in front of 10 million people “whipping me kecks off”. It’s alright Michael, you had more trousers on underneath. For some reason… Michael and the show then play it off like he fought valliantly, and like a champion in the dance-off, in the full knowledge that ONE MISTAKE could see him knocked out. Rather than what happened, which is that he slopped around as crappily as always, but Jerry was somehow worse.

Training now, and the theme is that Michael is being haunted by the judges’ comments about his crappy Latin, and it’s putting him on the verge of every butch manly Strictly cricketer’s nightmare…


IT’S MADE HIM GAY FOR CRAIG. Len will be so disappointed. That it wasn’t for him.

To the dancefloor and

Natalie is about to demonstrate for us all some quick-change magic!

That’s right, in the space of a week, she’s made Michael into a half-decent dancer!

SHAZAM!

They’re doing their Quickstep to “That Old Black Magic” and it’s very fast, fun, and energetic. I mean…there are still bits where you can see Natalie pretty much grinding her fingernails into the backs of his palms to keep him on track, but this is MICHAEL we’re talking about. Go and watch that Lumberjive and then this. It’s quite the transformation. Hallowe’en Week has been the scene of many breakthroughs, transformations and Redemption Dances and this is right up there with the best of them.

In the end Natalie climbs back into her giant silver femidom

(careful Natalie, I think Craig was wearing that last week, and I dobut they’ve bothered dry-cleaning it) and produces a transformation even MORE tailored to my tastes.

IT’S A FIERCE SCARF! (*hugs self*)

Everyone goes bonkers bazoo, and it gets probably the most sincere seeming standing ovation of the series so far. Natalie gushes away happily at Bruce that they’ve had such an AMOYZING week, and then Michael says he’s definitely picked up a few magic tricks along the way. In fact he’s got one to show us right now! Is it the one where you make a thruppenny bit disappear Michael? If so, don’t bother.

In fact it turns out that the magic trick is to

get all the judges to give you 10s for a dance that didn’t really deserve it.

Darcey starts for the judges, smiling to Michael that “BALLROOM IS YOUR THING!”. You know…comparatively. I’m kind of worried that it might just be that “quickstep” is his thing, but we shall see. His top-line was beautiful, and he never once let go. I would have liked to have seen him try… Len follows, saying that last week Michael was so close to leaving the competition, and he’s so glad the judges saved him (BRUNO) over that saggy old clothes-horse (BRUNO) because she never could have done a performance half as exciting as that one (BRUNO). He closes by saying that he knows that Michael’s aim in this competition is to get a 7 from Len. Well…tonight could be the night…

Michael looks WELL chuffed. Maybe he did turn gay for Len as well? As long as he’s ready for it to be…not quite a 7…

Bruno follows by saying that that routine was more than magical…it was a miracle! It was like DARREN GOUGH was back! Ugh…way to spoil the mood Bruno. In hold it was incredible, and a real transformation. Craig closes by giving Michael

the clap. It was always a danger, let’s face it. Never fall for a Strictly judge Michael, it will only end in tears.

Up to the Tessanine they weave their spell, and it’s particularly touching to see Erin so pleased for Natalie.

It feels like the passing of a very particular Strictly torch. I hope they do a ceremony. With an actual torch. Tess gurns that they’ve gone from Dance-Off to STANDING OVATION in the space of a week! It’s ASTOUNDING! Michael and Natalie then play the

“you’re amazing!” “NAO! YOOORRRR AMOYZING!” game for the rest of their comments. Scores are in


31.

(Len gives it an 8. I’m not saying it would be grimly amusing if he got booted next week without ever getting a 7 from Len but…it’s there)

The 1980s dancing the tango

Brenda isn’t TRULY at home in any other decade, is he? Bruce reminds us that last week Victoria had a wardrobe malfunction, when a wardrobe fell on her. And then exploded. Opening a portal to another dimension, from which dinosaurs emerged. PENDLEDRAMA!

VT time, and Victoria says she was really looking forward to her rumba (SUCH LIES!) but then

oh well, tum-ti-tum she got caught in her skirt and nearly wrenched her own head off with a strip of chiffon, and then cried everywhere. Brendan says that Victoria’s in-dance drama was so much, that it even distracted him, highly professional and composed Brenda. We’re then treated to some footage of Victoria managing to snag her dress on the studio door after the dance. Amazing. We close with her tittering that “ah well, Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I mean…you probably should be aiming for Rhyl Victoria, not Rome, but we’ll see.

Training now, and Brendan has decided that, as he’s got a COMPETETIVE SPORTSWOMAN on his hands, he’s going to try to do something to get her into the Hallowe’en Mood. That’s right!

KIDS PARTY GAMES! It’s a little known fact that Victoria prepared for her Keirin final at London 2012 with a hearty game of Pass The Parcel. Five people died. These sporting endeavours by the way are being narrated by

Colin Jackson. Sadly we don’t get to see his infamous trackside interviewing technique afterwards, so we will never find out how Victoria is feeling, how she’s feeling, or indeed, how she think that went. Or how she’s feeling. Anyway, Brendan wins the “eyeball and spoon” race because Victoria’s eyeball falls out (not of her spoon either), and then Brendan wins the apple bobbing when Victoria is disqualified for trying to drown him. Then she cries and asks if she can have another go. In the end, Victoria awards Brendan the prize for winning the Strictly Hallowe’en Games.

Notice he’s not touching her FAHCKIN MEDULS. He can have a cardboard pumpkin, and that’s it.

To the dancefloor

and I’m already so excited I can barely sit down. I mean, I always thought PENDLEDRAMA and Hallowe’en would go well together, just because she’s always looked kind of ethereal and ghostly and filled with an unearthly strength she can barely contain, but even I wasn’t prepared for just how

amazing she looks. She’s giving the audience amazing evils as well. And it was nice of make-up to draw on her mascara stains beforehand. Brendan as well is clearly in

camp heaven.

The dance? It’s by some distance her best performance yet, in that Brenda only has to shove her into position about twice. She’s a little floopy in the spine, but she’s moving around very quickly, and mostly with confidence, and really selling the drama of it all. It’s everything I hoped for when I committed myself to the dream of PENDLEDRAMA yo-yoing up and down the leaderboard like Arlene’s knickers during Fleet Week. In the end they

crumple up against their altar, still so very 80s. Can you imagine if they’d had Strictly in the 1980s? Brenda would have won every year. Even though he would have been about 6. The post dance dialogue?

Brendan : “YOU NAILED IT!”
Victoria : “…no I didn’t…”
Brendan : “YOU NAILED IT!”

I mean, I appreciate this partnership was always going to be an acquired taste but…come on.

Len starts for the judges by lecturing Victoria on the need to have more confidence in herself, all whilst waggling his pencil in her face, as per usual. Can we take that off Len? He’s becoming worse than Diet Barrowman. Anyway, he tells her that she just did a sharp and fast tango with no faffing about. He knows there was an awkward moment in the corner (*sound of Victoria repeatedly slapping herself*) but the whole thing had exactly the right feeling. Bruno follows by calling Victoria a “gothic beauty with a hint of madness”

A HINT? Victoria’s bonkersness has been more clearly signposted than the murderer in one of the later series of Murder She Wrote. He loved the routine, and congratulates Victoria on getting her spins right.

Craig follows by saying that Victoria lost her posture and hand placement at points in the routine, and then she actually starts APPLAUDING and then looks at Brenda as if to say “SEE? I TOLD YOU I WAS CRAP!”. I love her so much. He says that he did “love the routine” though. Darcey closes by saying that it was really great to see some fight out of Victoria, and she looked like a right slapper as well (/like a true tango woman of the night). Meow.

Up to the Tessanine they shotgun, where Brendan tries to

Artem her. Bit late for that now. Tess says that Victoria looked truly beautiful out there, and really sold it. Craig in fact said the B WORD! BRILLIANT! Victoria’s reaction is to go

“mmm hmm mmm hmm”, like a woman being told she looks beautiful by a tramp in a bus stop. Tess asks if Victoria is having fun yet, and she says “sort of” but it’s still really nervewracking and she keeps on getting the urge to BURN THINGS. She closes by twisting her knickers wailing “I DON’T WANNA LEEEEEEEEAVE!”. Bless her. Scores are in

31

Dumbledore and his pussy dancing the salsa

I think we all knew that it would be Kristina who turned up as “Sexy Cat”, yes? You’d be pretty satisifed if you’d drawn it in a sweepstake anyway. Bruce tells us all that one of the MANY Hollywood films that Colin has starred in was called “Resident Evil”. I believe he played James Bond. Bruce makes some lame gag about how Craig is the TRUE Resident Evil and…let’s save it for Video Games Week please. I pray it’s coming…

VT time now, and Colin thanks the “Dance Gods” (ie Erin & Ian) that everything went ok with his lifts last week, and he didn’t drop Kristina.

Yes, that could have been nasty couldn’t it? Girl at my school had an accident with a hockey stick like that once…

Training now, and Colin says he will be dancing his salsa to “Superstition”. He will be a wizard, and Kristina will be his (sexy) cat. Kristina though is worried, because things keep on going wrong in training : dropped lifts, awkward steps, moments where she gets

dropped on her head, giving her concussion. It’s a MYSTERY as to what could be causing these unfortunate accidents.

IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE IN TRAINING ROOM 13! When there are twelve contestants. Does Iveta still have Aliona tied up in hers? Got to admire Kristina’s commitment to Comedy VTs such that she’d deliberately be dropped head-first onto the floor of the training room. It’s not worth it Kristina! They don’t even have punchlines.

To the dancefloor and

oh SURE, Tracy Beaker gets the real deal whilst JAMES BOND HIMSELF has to put up with with a mere animal immitation. Where’s the fairness in that? If the cat had wee’d on Tess legs, no way he would have been in the dance-off. Anyway, Colin turns his fake cat into

Karen Hardy? I’d recognise those ridiculous gloves anywhere! Actually, no…it’s Kristina.

She stole those gloves like she stole “Goldeneye”. Karen’s going to flipping murderise her. I’m surprised she didn’t beam down from Starship Karen right there and then, and give Kristina a piece of her mind. As it is, she apparently settles for just turning her tractor beam on Colin halfway through, as he is

pulled this way and that, clearly with no idea what he’s supposed to be doing. So he just settles for hanging on to Kristina’s wrists as she plays ring-round-the-rosy with him. I’m guessing she disapproves of bestiality as much as I do. Just because you turn your cat into a human Colin, doesn’t make it any less wrong. The rest of its a bit mincey, a bit overworked, and not nearly as fun as his cha-cha was.

Ah well.

Over to the judges, and Craig starts by saying that Colin needs to work on his footwork, because it wasn’t landing one way or the other. Actually most of the time it was doing both. It was very flat-footed, and the lifts made him nervous. On the positive side, it DID have a disco groove. I know! And it wasn’t even choreographed by Anton. Darcey follows by saying that she liked the long arms (*wink wink*) and then starts

flapping around like Seductive Phoebe and telling him that it wasn’t a DIRTY salsa, but it was a SAUCY salsa, and she

LIKED IT. She is officially out of control.

Len follows by saying that he liked the rhythmic tic that Colin had going during the dance (well wouldn’t you with Kristina’s bazooms so close to your face?) and it was encouraging, but there was a major incident in the corner and he can’t just ignore it. Kristina gives a shrug of truly

Joe Pesci proportions. WHAT YOU GONNA DO? YOU SAY SHE LOOKS FUNNY? FUNNY HOW? FUNNY LIKE I’M A CLOWN FUNNY? AM I HERE TO AMUSE YOU? FUNNY LIKE A GROWN WOMAN WRITHING ABOUT IN HER BRA AND PANTIES PRETENDING SHE’S A SEXY CAT FUNNY?

Up to the Tessanine they crack their mirrors, and Tess asks if there was a mistake there that she missed, that was Len was going about? Colin and Kristina protest, all

“what mistake? I didn’t see any mistake, did you Colin, I don’t see any mistake!” *shoots Tess* about it.

Kristina then starts mewling in Tess’ face whilst Colin says that he really liked the disco groove, then announces that he really loves

clubbing, right down the camera, in a way I shouldn’t find so amusing, but I do. Tess grins that those lifts looked really technical, and it seems like “Kristine” (5 years with this one) really seemed to be pushing him hard. Colin says that KristinA works as hard as anyone he’s met in his entire life. He, himeslf, isn’t really bothered. Scores are in

24

The King Of The Zombies & The Queen Of The Harness dancing the tango

Apparently there was some confusion this week, as the celebrities were setting up an apple bobbing tournament backstage, and in the middle, Bruce told Louis he’d really like to do his nan.

Or something like that. It’s the most believable joke of the evening.

In his VT, we’re reminded that last week Louis did a salsambchambo par excellence, meeting Bruno’s approval which, as we all know, is so hard to get. Louis says that Bruno is “priceless”, and then does an impersonation.

It’s uncanny. He says that he found all the drama surrounding That Lift really intimidating, and as Flavia ran towards him, he found himself thinking “don’t mess this up, don’t mess this up”. Oh Louis

it’s not Flavia you need to be worried about. That’s the glazed orgasm-face of a terrifying sexual predator. She makes Flavia look positively demure. He closes by saying that he did feel a bit like Patrick Swayze when it all went well. Whoever that is. Probably a mate of Flavia’s.

Training now, and Louis tells us that he’ll be dancing his tango this week to “Disturbia” by Rihanna. You can just tell he’s so pleased to be dancing to some Young Person music, rather than living out Flavia’s earliest sexual fantasies from some movie released WAY before he was born. Really their whole relationship kind of reminds me of someone entering the competition with their mother – the slight awkwardness, the sulky silences, the underlying affection…I bet she makes him put all his sweaty clothes in the laundry basket before he leaves the training room. I would love it if THIS, after all the actual sex Flavia has had with her hot young partners, is the one that actually wins her the glitterball.

Anyway, COMEDYLOLS time as Louis

falls asleep on the floor then wakes up to find an abandoned post-apocalyptic world, with no humans left alive in it. Naturally he runs to BBC Television Centre, as you would, to try to find Flavia. Once there he discovers the true terror – Flavia is no more, this week he will be dancing with

CLAUDIA INSTEAD! NOOOOO! She’s wearing less make-up than usual though…

Happily, Louis then wakes up, and it was all a dream! Flavia’s reaction? “Oh you poor thing! Come on, let’s do some dancing and make you feel better!”

Seriously. Dancing.With.His.Mum. Then it turns out that

Flavia actually IS a zombie or some demon or something. I swear the temptation to recap these things by just saying “oh fuck off” is getting greater as the show passes.

To the dance-floor and

Flavia is just busy waking Louis up from his 100 year sleep. I hope she’s made some toast for him. She pounds on his crypt door and

out he emerges. Yeah, that was pretty much my face in the morning as a teenager as well. He does some really neat “zombie shuffle” body-popping to begin, which makes it all the more hilarious when he has to snap into sharp ballroom hold to start doing the tango.

As a tango, I like it well enough. Flavia’s totally thrown a cop-out on the whole “sexual chemistry” thing by having him play a shuffling sexless member of the undead, but hey, what else is Hallowe’en Week (or Anton’s Latin for that matter) for? His top-line’s a bit loose, but other than that he looks in command of the dance and it’s very neat, conceptually. Even if he does look more like

he’s yelling at Flavia for looking under his bed without permission, rather than like he’s about to eat her brains. It all ends with an absolutely amazing bit of gymnastic showing off, as Louis “falls backwards

and break his spine”. Then

pops back up again. Matt Baker’s multiple flick-flacks just got SERVED.

Over to the judges they shuffle and moan, where Bruce marvels at the modern technology of coloured contacts. They really can do ANYTHING these days. Isn’t it a marvel? Craig starts for the judges by calling Louis “ineffable”. Although I’m sure Craig would give it a damn good try. He says that he loved it, but one thing bothered him – his thumb.

“Woss wrong wiv his thumb? It’s a perfectly good thumb. He got it from his father’s side. You waana get your eyes checked Craig, nothing wrong with my boy’s thumb!”

Darcey is next (or as Bruce would have it – “Dali”.) and she says that routine was spookily good. It had a great beginning, a wonderful end, and an even more FABULOUS MIDDLE. Calm down… She didn’t like how he kicked higher than “his girl” though. When she dates him (/ties him up and throws him in her van) he can’t be doing that with her! Len follows by saying he knows that the clocks go back later tonight but he’d like it to happen now, so he could watch that dance all over again. And sit through Lisa’s Charleston again as well? NO THANKS LEN!

Also…time doesn’t work like that.

Bruno closes by saying that that was a tango with a bite.

He adored the transitions in character (from “zombie not doing the tango” to “zombie doing the tango” presumably) and declares it the first true tango OF THE SEASON.

Up to the Tessanine they bom-bom-de-dom-bom-bom-de-dom-dom where Tess says that Louis’ eyes alone were enough to freak her out, and Louis actually apologises. Bless him. Flavia assures Tess that her boy is a friendly zombie.

And so good to his mother. Tess reminds us that Louis SMASHED IT last week and also SMASHED IT this week as Vincent sits on having been wearing that wig for almost 2 hours now. You can tell he’s starting to buckle, like David Blaine towards the end of one of his stunts. Tess asks if the inner actor is emerging from Louis, and he says he thinks it is. He still envisions struggling being romantic with Flavia

/his mother, but the mean and moody stuff, he thinks he can do. He and Flavia then josh a bit about how he was kicking higher than her and she slaps his chest and tells him it’s his fault for not matching her. Who needs to watch “Jewish Mother Of The Year” when you’ve got this? Actually…who needs to watch that anyway? Scores are in

35

Little Blue Sparkly Bra & The Hipster Werewolf dancing the paso doble

Bruce says that he wonders what “spooky shenanigans” the pair of them have in store. I wonder if theirs will have a discernable punchline? I doubt it…

VT and Kimberley says that she really threw herself into the Hollywood Theme last week, and she’s really glad that Len liked her quickstep.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! SHE’S SO EXCITED!

But this week is Hallowe’en Week so she has to be

SCARY AND SPOOKY! WOOOOO!

I’ve missed the True Bots. Gavbot came from the remainders bin, and Harry was more of a mummy’s boy than anything else. I was considering jacking in my Bot-Identification days, but thank you Kimberley, for coming along and making them feel worthwhile again.

Training now and, alright, brace yourselves, it’s the last one, they’re almost over now. Ahem. Pasha is trying to be a

scary wolf, but Kimberley thinks he’s more like a puppy dog and then




I dunno, fire and cauldrons and rats and 1 paddles and some shit. I dunno. Make your own blimmin storylines up, my creative juices are spent.

To the dancefloor now and

I guess it’s only appropriate we both start and end with routines that look a bit like niche porn I would never want to watch. Why is Red Riding Hood running around the forest in her pants? What’s going on at Grandma’s House? Is “Grandma” just the name she gives her brothel madam? This is all a bit Angela Carter. Anyway, if there’s one thing I hate, props wise

it’s scadding great trees that take up half the dance-floor. Things like that just really impede the space a routine has to move around in.

Kimberley twirls around a lot, Pasha runs down, they tussle over her basket, and then they paso

and her lines aren’t too bad, despite the limitation of the staging and the music (Duran Duran – “Hungry Like The Wolf”). It’s odd, because yet again I have the opposite opinion to most people with regards to Lady Paso performances

I think she’s overpowering him. To be fair, it’s mostly because he looks like he’s sloped down in his grubby t-shirt and painting trousers whilst she’s dressed like a harem girl but it doesn’t feel like she’s being led. At all.

It all feels a bit like something Girls Aloud would do on tour as part of an ill-advised 80s medley. Actually the budget’s probably higher than most actual Girls Aloud videos, so expect to see this released as a promo for their Greatest Hits soon.

That’s not a Carrie stlye ending incidentally – it’s because she’s about to topple over.

Over to the judges they go, where Darcey starts by saying that the first thing that struck her was the intensity in Kimberley’s eyes. You should have seen her when McFly beat Girls Aloud for Best Pop Act at the 2005 Brit Awards Darcey. She was LIVID. She really liked how Kimberley sold the routine, and the ronde de jambe. Len follows, saying it was very competent, but he would have appreciated a touch more aggression here and there in the dance.

Maybe if you want real aggression and performance Len, don’t dress your pros up like Playmobil?

Bruno next, and he cackles “WHO’S NOT AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WOLF?!?!”

Erm…anyone? He looks a bit like if one of the Supercut stylists rolled around on the floor with wax on his face for a bet. Bruno goes on to say it was a bit like Twilight at times. Hold on Bruno, there’s no need to be ABUSIVE. It wasn’t that boring. Craig closes by saying that it was fiery and punchy, with fantastic shaping.

Up to the Tessanine they hunger, with Pasha stopping off to

chest-bump the mummy on the way up. Bless. Tess opens by calling Kimberley “Sexy Riding Hood”. Her command of language continues to astound us all. She goes on to admit that she is scared of Pasha as the Big Bad Wolf. She’s the only one. Kimberley indeed, laughs in her face and asks Tess if she can see what Pasha looks like. Quite. Tess goes on to ask Kibmerley if she thinks she’s found her stride yet, and she says that she’s really trying hard, and thing are actually finally starting to sink in. We then get Tess’ best verbal mishap of the series so far

“Well that was a sexy paso doble, or a PASHA DAOBLE! Doing sex with you on stage with Girls Aloud… is that something that comes easy to you?”

HOW DO YOU ANSWER THAT? WHAT EVEN IS THAT? Let’s get the scores and pretend that didn’t happen.

31.

Final Leaderboard?


I love how they’ev made sure to record that tie at the top to look as bizarre as possible.

BYE BYE HALLOWE’EN!

42 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Week 4 Performance

  1. Bashful82

    Victoria looks like ‘er of Hollyoaks. You know, the slapper. No – not that one. The other one. Not her. The one who was shagging “20yo” football star (HAHAHAHAHAHAH *wipes tear off*) / crazy doctor / Brendan / Ste / Tony / Silas

    Reply
    1. Carl

      I guess it was that type of week. The rehearsal photo they used for Erin’s ringtone joke looked like the cover of one of those books where Steph and Debbie went to London before waiting for another serial killer to show up.

      Reply
  2. seminaranalyse

    i think i’m the only one to quite like the denise cha-cha-cha. She’s a ringer and i don’t care. Natalie still rules the world. And the night belongs to Michael and Pendledrama. Louis just seems to have absolutley no connection to Flavia. And i for once felt that Richard did a great job in the paso doble. He seemed very connected to the dance and got the aggression of the paso doble good. In terms of hat he can do he delievered more than for example Colin.
    It’s strange that thispanel isn’t as overmarking as arlene panel season 5 to 6 or alesha panel and yet the scores are more over the place then ever before.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I just compared these scores with the Week 4 scores from last series, and the only real difference between the three male judges for this stage is that Bruno is being harsher this year, and even that’s not by much. Darcey’s harsher than Alesha was for sure – I just don’t think her scores are always consistant with her comments.

      Reply
      1. Left Feet

        I wonder if Darcey is harsher then Arlene(I think Arlene in comments was worse then Craig and upset more people) in marks ? Agree with what you say about Darcey but not going to judge her fully until the end of the series. Its going to take some dancer to ever break Alesha’s average record 36.5, not going to happen this series.

      2. monkseal Post author

        I would have thought in terms of scores they’re about the same, with Darcey possibly being slightly more generous than Arlene. I think Arlene was preapred to go lower (so to speak) than Darcey seems willing to.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Kristina’s always been the most emotional female pro, but never has there been quite such a marked contrast between just how much she cares and how much her partner does.

      Reply
  3. Jenny

    I think The Man in the Hat was told not to communicate with us.

    Victoria should be gothed-up every week, she looked great.

    Poor Sid & Ola – the hysterics on Digital Spy whining about his “mardiness” did my head in.

    Reply
  4. Monaogg

    Still wondering why Michael was done up as a giant mouse, along with make-up totally failing to make Mary Poppins look scary. And why didn’t they do Colin as Baron Samedie?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Maybe they felt we needed a (one week, no doubt) respite from all the Bond references. I think we went through an entire episode without even one.

      Reply
  5. Llwynog

    Realisation struck me like a rotten pumpkin in the phizog on Saturday. I have developed an almighty crush on Erin. Where the hell did that come from? Help me … please!!!!!!! Alternatively, I’ll be forgoing Christmas to save up for a one-way ticket to Erin Island and a grass skirt.

    WHO IN THE BLOODY HELL VOTED FOR SCRAPPY????

    Reply
  6. Carl

    Great to see the Iveta voice one last time. That made the hideous VT (the absolute worst I can remember on Strictly) bearable.

    I think you’re right that this might be the best of Michael’s ballroom dances, but in terms of partnership Natalie and Michael are by far the best this year so I’m hoping he will improve enough to stay to the end. Did Natalie almost fall at the end of their quickstep?

    I like Kimberley well enough but I keep forgetting her, on the show, even in your recaps. She just suddenly appears. This is the role Fern used to play until the last week, when I decided to enjoy her based on just how much less of a shit Artem can give. Next time they have to perform I think they’re going to be sitting in the audience, Fern holding a large banner which reads MY HEART DANCES WITH INTEGRITY, as Artem makes sad faces.

    The Claudia/Flavia horror joke made me laugh. (and that Flavia bit was probably the only intentionally scary moment of the show). I wish they’d stop all the posing and tumbling from Louis. It breaks up the dance.

    The Colin face you captured in the Tesspit was the first time I understood just how tired he must be. That’s the definition of punch drunk.

    The Fortuna joke was perfect.

    Karen took that VT very very seriously. I wish they’d put Nicky’s tango at the last half, instead of Colin’s dance, as Nicky’s got lost in the flatness.

    Reply
  7. Carl

    I’m sorry, I forgot to ask – do you agree with the idea I’ve read a few times that Denise and James set up a bad week to make themselves seem less like ringers?

    I’m not sure if James would ever even take the risk, or the go bruising. I think they just overestimated Denise’s ability to sell sex, especially with the worst cover of Superfreak ever.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think she didn’t have the basics down, so it didn’t work, and it showed more than when the same thing happened in her waltz. So much of the criticism was based around what she was wearing that I doubt they could have set that up alone so if you’ve got your conspiracy head on then you’d have to include wardrobe.production etc. At any rate the choreography struck me as very Jamesy in a way that I don’t think any of his girls have ever really been able to pull off (it reminded me a bit of Zoe’s Poison Ivy samba). He was better off with Hammy, when he edited out most of the crotch shots, presumably because she would have taken it as a come-on.

      Reply
      1. min

        To be fair to Wardrobe and Make-up, they don’t actually have to be part of a conspiracy to make people look bad 🙂

  8. Matt Clemson

    “did Shaggy ever look at anything that OPENLY SEXUALLY on the show other than maybe a sandwich? ”
    The newest iteration of Scooby Doo has gone in an… interesting direction with the characterisation. Really.

    Reply
      1. Matt Clemson

        Nah, Mystery Inc’s a full cartoon. Velma and Shaggy are having a relationship that they don’t want the others (particularly Scooby) to find out about. Daphne is lusting after Fred, and Fred is completely oblivious with a bizarre obsession with setting up booby-traps.

  9. seminaranalyse

    I’m sometimes so slow. I only just realisied that the punchline of colins and kristinas vt is that they dance to superstition.

    Reply
  10. Stormy

    I know I’ve been harsh on Michael in earlier weeks, but I’m a sucker for the “underdog works hard and has a sudden breakthrough” stories, so… I think I have a favorite now. He may end up being my Gavin of this series. I still like Lisa, though I’m getting DAMN tired of Robin’s choreography.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      She’s back in hold this week, so it should be different at least. I do still wonder if Robin is actually capable of playing things straight, ever. If you pardon the expression.

      Reply
  11. Jane

    You have put your finger on the relationship between Louis and Flavia – he is just like an awkward teenager dancing with his mum. Brilliant!

    I’m a long-time reader/follower/stalker, and I was wondering what happened to the Bunton Paso Face Scale. Any chance you could assess Richard’s score?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think somebody went so over the top once that it broke my Bunton pasometer, but I can’t remember who it was. In layman’s terms I’d say Richard’s about a .73.

      Reply
  12. Rachel

    “Richard’s looking like a demonic Cornish Pasty” – this just made me laugh like a loon. So glad I work on my own….
    Whilst on the subject of Richard, am I the only one to think that his head is really large and sort of weirdly out of proportion? Or was that the strange stubble effect? (Or is Erin’s head just very petit?)

    Reply
  13. tal27

    I could not take Kimberley seriously when she was channeling Amy Childs around the floor – very Essex… And the funniest part of the episode was when Bruno made the comment about Michael dancing “as well as Darren Gough” and Len clearly said at the top of his voice “That was better than Darren Gough!” with hi Snotty Len face on…

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I can’t believe Len blasphemed against Goughy, most SPORTSMANy of all SPORTSMEN. I can’t even bring myself to watch it.

      Reply
  14. Dancing Cake

    Like the Angela Carter reference – and it just dawned on me that “The Man in the Hat” sort of sounds like a sequel to The Magic Toyshop 🙂

    I know you said you didn’t like the trees, MS, but look at the shot of Kimberley running through them – it seems that mummified man was there before her and left all his bandages on the branches. So you should be GRATEFUL to the stripping trees …

    And is it just me, or did anybody else see more than a touch of Camille (Over The Rainbow) in Dani’s pose on the group Thriller shot? – From the “pop” group 1 dance – she was wearing a red and white dress and I swear she was striking exactly that pose. I tried to find the group dance from OTR in your recaps, MS, but it’s vanished … (Apologies to anyone who didn’t watch Over The Rainbow – you total EEJITS, you don’t know what you missed!)

    Great recap as always, MS, thank you!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I didn’t get to see Naked Mummy, therefore I don’t care.

      (*things to file in “sentences I never thought I’d say, or want to say”)

      Reply
  15. durnovarian

    Laughing out loud throughout the recap but I’m afraid my devotion wasn’t enough to get me to vote in the ‘worst VT’ poll. There wasn’t an ‘All of the Above’ option…

    Reply

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