No twist endings here…
We begin with a scene familiar to any long-term Strictly viewer.
Yes, it’s time for Anton & Erin to do their Ballroom Showcase, to remind us why they’re still employed for reasons other than comedy. It’s a foxtrot to “Let’s Face The Music And Dance” and doesn’t Erin look so
serene? Happy almost. Like she’s got a purpose. So let’s stomp all over that RIGHT NOW.
Yes, it’s time find out what the winner of Series 6 has been up to. Strictly aficionados will know the fates of all of the other 8 winners of the show :
Series 1 : used her win to leverage a big bucks move to Channel 5
Series 2 : I dunno…theatre up Norf? They do HAVE them up there, yes?
Series 3 : Opened his own Darren Gough Dance School for Underprivele…OH WAIT, NO HE NEVER
Series 4 : Learnt from his Strictly career that he never ever wanted to appear on television ever again
Series 5 : Oh…you know
Series 7 : Disappeared up Anne Robinson, never to return
Series 8 : A bit of this, a bit of that, mostly shagging Artem
Series 9 : Still bashing away on that piano for McFlea.
But what of Tom I ask you? Strictly’s own Vicar Of The Damned, perpetually on the verge of marriage, tap master, and the one who finally tamed the mental demons that tormented the mind of Bonkers Camilla for 6 series. Well turns out he’s cloned himself.
About 500 times over, and they are all ON THE LOOSE! To think that George W Bush warned us all of the dangers of stem-cell research and we called him IGNORANT. Who looks like an idiot now, hmmm? The Toms tap-dance around manically to “Top Hat”, which is the show that Tom himself is currently starring in. The girl’s a Langford incidentally. He had to get the girl genes for his Lady Clones somewhere, and Lord knows Camilla never sits still long enough for anyone to get a sample from her.
Anton, in the vain hope of saving mankind, sneaks into the middle of the pack of clones, as
subtle and low-key as ever. (Erin’s off getting her nails done – she fears the apocalypse not, for she Charltoned with Peter Shilton. Nuclear holocaust is a breeze compared to that). He challenges Tom 1.0 to a tap-off for the soul of man and of course
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot tap-dancing on a human face – forever.
If you think you’ll find yourself adrift in this future of enforced elegance, mandatory tastefulness and unvarying demurity
don’t worry, you’ll have company. That’s right, Tess has come as an Oscar. Presumably not one representing the “Best Support” categories. She and Claudia do their awkward dance and then bounce bottoms, gingerly. They then discuss Tom Chambers and how he won and was dead great and that.
Somewhere, Camilla is re-enacting their showdance with her cat. The cat is not happy. Claudia promises us an all-action blockbuster of a show this evening. Music! Drama! Glans! Tess assures us that someone has done the whole adding up thing with the judges scores and our votes, and it wasn’t here, so we’re not about to see a dance-off between Lisa Riley and Davearch. Also on the menu are our judges
(Darcey looks thrilled, as ever) and (I shit you not) “Singing Superstore” Dionne Warwick.
Bloody hell Tess, ENUNCIATE. Also stop
picking on Claudia for going backstage and interviewing the contestants before the show. Just because she’s better at it than you, and has questions other than “you did well, how did that feel?”, “you did badly, how did that feel?” and “HOW ARE YOUR NERVTH?!”.
So it’s time for our recap now, to the strains of “Hooray For Hollywood” and kudos to whichever wag in the sound editing department edited this shot over the line that goes
“he’d make a monkey look good!”. So mean. The make-up lady doesn’t look THAT mannish. In this recap we learn that
The Lift isn’t as easy as it looks, and neither is
dressing up as a cowboy. But then again, we sort of already knew that. Don’t we Gavin?
toys like you wouldn’t believe ; Victoria
took her rumba failure as well as can be expected ; Michael thinks a 6 off Len and a 6 off Darcey will do this week (it won’t), and Jerry’s attempts to make it to Erin Island, true spiritual home of those who can’t be arsed, went sadly awry when she trusted the wrong
mental guide and now she’s trapped on Izabela Archipelago. Sid remained as
cheery as ever after his tango ; Kimberley and Denise both go “YAY!” a lot, whilst Colin and Tracy prefer a good “woo” and Robin is always handy for a “WORRRRRRRRRRRARRRRRRGAHAHA!” ; Richard can type 60 words a minute, especially if he plans them all out three weeks in advance to make them EXTRA FUNNY ; Erin’s face is now so frozen that if you touch it
your fingers might actually snap off when you try to pull them away ; Nicky could
probably wear this face to Hallowe’en Week as well and, finally, the camerawork in this show is
as subtle as it ever was.
Time now for Strictly Sex-Faces. These Results recaps are becoming more and more picture-heavy aren’t they? If only something interesting were happening verbally…
And so, in the Bottom Two, find themselves
these two. Never mind Jerry, you are still beloved by perverts everywhere. Tess turns to Len and asks him how Jerry found herself in the bottom two, despite having brought all her years of experience to bear on the dance. I think you just answered your own question there, Tess. Len says that Jerry has wonderful presence, it’s just that she needed to stretch more. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking whilst watching it.
Speaking of things that don’t really need stretching out more
let’s chat with the saved couples, up on Claud 9. Ola triumphant is a terrifying thing isn’t she? Claudia turns to Sid in order to remind him that he was emotional on Saturday Night. Claudia in fact says she wanted to climb into her tv and give him a cuddle. So she did. Or at least she tried. That’s why her hair is like that. Sid admits that he is, in fact, a great big hairy wuss, and just wanted to do his best for Ola having tried his hardest all week. That and he caught himself in a mirror and realised the rock legend he most resembled was not in fact David Coverdale or Axl Rose but
Claudia next turns to Nicky, calls him “Green Boy”, and starts talking about how orange she is in contrast and worrynig they might “start clashing”. Please, no Northern Ireland politics on this show Claudia, I get enough of that on Downton Abbey. Or, you know, the news and stuff. She further congratulates Nick on his comeback this week, from bottom of the leaderboard to fifth place. BLOODY HELLFIRE, THAT WAS FIFTH?! The mind boggles. He says that he’d like to repeat Sid’s sentiments and then does so. Albeit minus the part about his partner. Hem.
Colin is last, as Claudia reminds him that Darcey wants him to get dirtier next week. So what’s he going to do?
Give up, because you can’t shoehorn “James Bond” isnto Hallowe’en? Happily no, Colin is going to be a wizard, and Kristina will be putting her pussy on display yet again.
SHE’S PLAYING HIS CAT, GROW UP.
Speaking of Hallowe’en here’s a COMEDY VT! The idea is that all the contestants are at a Hallowe’en Party
on October 21st. A crap Hallowe’en Party. I mean, say what you will about Alesha’s knowledge of the technical ins and outs of ballroom and latin dancing, but at least you knew that she’d deliver on nibbles. Anyway, the idea is that Len, Darcey and Bruno all turn up in spooky masks but nobody is scared, but then Craig turns up NOT in a spooky mask and everyone IS scared
/mouths “SHIT!” down the camera-lens/ uses the opportunity to cop yet another feel
I’M ON TO YOU, ARNOLD! This all takes about half an hour. It’s so unrealistic as well. At one point Denise actually DROPS HER DRINK, like that would ever happen, ever. This
is the scariest moment in it. DEMON FERN IS COMING FOR YOU, BOY!
Next up : Len’s Glans. With a Hollywood Twist.
Or at least that’s what Bruno’s calling it. PUT IT AWAY DEAR. Yes, it’s our time to catch those subtle hidden moments we may have missed on Saturday Night.
Yes, they certainly kept her hidden didn’t they? Everyone coos over the bloomin’ dog some more. Bloody dogs. They also discuss how good Vincent and Dani were at the dancing and that. Well, Bruno does anyway. Craig and Len look on benignly whilst Darcey glowers away menacingly. Did Tracy beat her for the role of Tracy Beaker or something? I think that might be it. Next, Claudia promises that we’re about to hear a noise we’re used to hearing from Len. “Sense”? No, sadly, it is “six” as everyone continues to RETCH IN HORROR at his scoring of Louis, even though it was his 14th “6” of the series.
Still about 500 behind Darcey.
Apparently Claudia was yelling “CAN LEN SEE?! CAN LEN SEE?!” at her tv. Admittedly that’s because she was trying to summon The Devil, and that’s an ancient Satanic chant. Give it up Claudia, she’s gone. She went and produced The Voice instead. Len huffs that his score was accurate, and everyone else was MESMERISED AND FOOLED by That Lift. Only Len saw the truth. Funny how…often Len thinks that, isn’t it? He then
yells at Darcey a bit, and she gives not one shit. I could warm to her…
Darcey receives instruction from on high. OH MY GOD, THE PRODUCERS ARE TELLING HER WHO TO VOTE OFF! STRICTLY COME RIGGING, AM I RITE? etc etc. Claudia proclaims this “my favourite clip ever”. Claudia is not very hard to please. We then revisit Craig as The Tin Man.
NOT ON THIS BLOG, WE DON’T!
What there is on this blog?
And only here. You know it. Incidentally here are
(some of) THE ENTIRE CAST running on to hug Victoria, midway through the results being read out, after she spends the whole countdown snivelling and twisting Brenda’s hat in her sad little hands. PENDLEDRAMA! She’s got them all right where she wants them…
Anyway, this leaves Richard vs Michael left. Meaning that in our Bottom 2 is, of course
these two. This makes it two weeks in a row the person I predicted would leave in fact survives a dance-off. I’m taking this as proof that I’m still actually incredibly accurate, and it is in fact the dance-off that is ruining things YET AGAIN. This sadly means that we are still yet to see a Safety Sex-Face from Erin and Ri…
oh wait. That can be honorary. Tess turns to Craig, and asks him what advice he would give Michael in the dance-off. “Don’t bother, we’ve decided already?” Sadly no, Craig says that Michael must listen to the music and let it guide the way.
Darcey’s so effing bored. Why not come to her for advice? She’d tell Michael to BE MORE CAMP and wear a lovely necklace. Proper technical stuff.
Back up to Claud 9 now, where our second set of saved couples are
less ecstatic than our first, probably for a variety of reasons. Claudia turns to Victoria and says “there’s a lot of emotion! Urine, tears…”.
Well, that’s what it sounds like. Don’t worry Claudia, she’s only getting started. When she’s actually in the dance-off ALL the bodily fluids are coming out to play. Victoria apologises for crying, but carries on regardless. She snorfles “I just want to carry on, IT’S SO MUCH FUN!!! I DON’T WANT IT TO END!!!” as someone backstage gets the tapentadol ready. Victoria carries on, saying she wants to do just one good dance before she leaves, and Brenda pipes up to say “YOU HAVE!”
Oh no Brenda. Not getting out of it THAT easily.
Claudia then yells “LET’S ALL CLAP FOR VICTORIA!” like the world’s most gothic scoutmaster. She then turns to find Richard crying and seriously, you could not pay me to do this job. Crying strangers wig me out. Anyway, Richard goes all balncmange about how he feels like he’s climbing a mountain every week. Erin Island has some mysterious topography indeed. We close on Denise mewling that she’s so glad to be safe, because ballroom dancing really isn’t her strength. Oh whatever, I need a drink.
Here’s a 71 year old woman singing a Burt Bacharach song
Here’s Pasha & Iveta trying to jive to it
That will just have to do.
On last check in now with our Bottom 2, as we all remember, together, collectively, that the most important thing about a Strictly theme week is that
it mustn’t look like a fancy dress party. God bless you, Wardrobe. Claudia asks Jerry how surprised she is to find herself here in the Bottom Two. Did you not see her face Claudia? She is STUNNED. Jerry says “um” a lot, and then Claudia says everyone understands the way she’s feeling. Yes, I SO identify. Claudia asks if she’ll dance differently? Well…she’d have to have danced at all for that to be true Claudia, so… She then asks Michael if he’s disappointed to be in the Bottom Two, and he says that it’s just part of the show. Every week is someone new’s turn (until Kimberley’s there four weeks running causing Len to go STAB-HAPPY) and it’s his go now, so LET’S ROCK.
The Dance-Off happens and victims to capricious whims are
Jerry & Anton, with only Bruno defending their honour. I’d say you can always rely on Bruno to stick up for the leggy model, but he was the only judge ever to vote to send Snowdon him so… Craig saved Michael for improving in the dance-off, Darcey saves them for no particular reason, and Len saves them finally, on his casting vote, making sure to drive home the fact that both of them danced incredibly poorly, made loads of mistakes, and had no musicality whatsoever.
Yes, what a TREAT it was to get to watch both of them again. Thanks Dance-Off!
And so it is that we will never get to see Jerry paint it black. Up on the Tessanine, Tracy’s in floods of tears
possibly because PENDLEDRAMA just maced her. Either that or Betty just huffed a load of glitterpaint and they had to put her to sleep. Tess asks Jerry what memories she’ll take away with her and Jerry says she’s had lots of fun hanging out with Anton, and dancing with Anton.
Mostly the first one.