So in summary, Flavia ripped off this, James ripped off this, Brendan ripped off this, Kristina ripped off this, Karen ripped off this, Erin ripped off this, and Natalie ripped off herself on tour with Mark Foster.
Hollywood DOES love a remake, I guess.
Last week : Denise jived, Tracy thrived, Richard was contrived, Sid dived, Nicky remained deprived, Michael barely survived, Victoria revived, Kimberley strived, Johnny got archived, and Colin was…erm…hang on…something…erm…still too tall. *shrug*.
This week : it’s HOLLYWOOD WEEK! Oh this is always good. Remember Gavin’s Blues Brothers foxtrot? Hammie’s OTT Ghost themed Viennese Waltz? Kara’s Tango a la Roxanne? Scott doing a Bond themed paso with his nips out? Harry’s Robin Hood rumba? Chelsee’s Shrekitude jive? Holly’s epicmazing Zorro-doble? Widdy FINALLY GOING HOME? It’s the one good theme week, so they better not have RUINED it by doing it too early. Grr. Anyway, Tess promises that there WILL BE
LAUGHTER(/stomach cramps), THERE WILL BE
TEARS(/vain attempts to recreate the infamous Holly Valance hand), THERE WILL BE
DRAMA(/shitty comedy VTs) and most of all, THERE WILL BE
You can see it in her eyes can’t you? The desire to unleash an Ola-Rock tango and ruin everything. We’ve been here so many times. If Paul Daniels had lasted more than three dances she would have had him headbutting her tits to Bon Jovi.
To the dance-floor now, where we’re filling the vacuum left by the departure of Johnny Ball with a pro-dance. Well…a
Kristinadance anyway. I mean
it’s quite subtle, but she is undoubtedly the centrepiece. Karen also gets to play for, like, a frame, probably because she of all the pros
most shares Kristina’s brand of subtle feminine sexuality. Well…her and Vincent. The routine is being danced to “Can’t Touch It” by Rikki Lee, because it is “Generic Gay Club Bangers” week this week on Strictly Co…oh, no wait, actually the dance is a tribute to infamous Hollywood showgirls/Kristina’s flange/Heath Ledger’s portrayl of The Joker. Kristina herself remains front and centre to the end.
I guess “A-Lister ego trips” is another facet of Hollywood accurately represented this week. (NOT REALLY KRISTINA, KISSES).
Out come Bruce and Tess, and we are simultaneously hit with the bad news that the
Velociraptor Dance has had to be rechoreographed because Bruce needs to hold on to his hips to stop them falling out, and the good news that
TESS IS ADEQUATELY DRESSED THIS WEEK. Maybe it was a reward from wardrobe for her caving in and letting Bruce tickle her kneepits again? The fact that she repeatedly yells “PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!” at the end to stop it, suggests it may have been under duress. Again “ageing starlet lets aged impressario have a fiddle on her kneepits for a role” is just the show representing how it IS in Hollywood these days, yo. Also,
Nancy Dell’Olive Oil hanging around the edges for no reason! This is the most accurate theme week ever. I hope it continues. Next week, for Hallowe’en, the couples won’t dance at all, just throw eggs and toilet paper at Darcey until she gives them a 7, whilst Len hides under the desk and pretends he’s not in.
Anyway, Tess tells everyone that it is, indeed, Hollywood Week on Strictly Come Dancing. Bruce asks the band if they’re ready, the audience if they’re ready
(to smack Fern upside the head if she touches Artem’s bum again), and the judges if they’re ready
particularly “Raig” and “Arce”. He doesn’t ask if I’M ready, which I personally would have welcomed. Especially for this
Craig dressed as a condom doing a tribute to Michael’s jive. Bruce starts cooing “oooh, it’s a bit of Hollywood HISTORY! That’s what it is!”.
Is it? I don’t think even Michael Bay’s parties have enough coke in them to come up with THIS. Bruce announces “I know you’re all thinking ‘Why is Craig dressed like that? Why has Craig come as the tin man?”. Oh Bruce, we don’t question it any more, we just accept that this is the way things are now, and wish someone would invent a fast forward button for live television. Bruce then leads everyone in a live sing-a-long of “If I Only Had A Heart”.
This woman speaks for us all, I feel.
Tess reminds us that Johnny Ball sadly left us last week, so all of the remaining celebrities need to perform like Hollywood Stars in order to survive. Specifically, Lindsey Lohan, apparently. Coked-up, past her best, and randomly crashing into things. Speaking of which
doesn’t Tess look even MORE EXCITED THAN EVER to be doing this bit? Bruce fair YANKS her into place, then apologises with an “I’m just excited!”. Tess replies “I know, that’s why my bum’s in this position”. Yes, it’s time to meet the STARS OF OUR SHOW!
The spiders that live under the stairs up to the Tessanine. We couldn’t have done this week without them.
Bruce congratulates them all on getting down the stairs smoothly for the first time, three weeks in (LOOKING AT YOU FERN. AND YOU, ANTON). Tess tells us all that if we’d like a little more conversation with our dancing, we can all press our red button for exclusive access to Starship Karen.
I have to admit, I was almost tempted this week, just for Kristina and Colin’s Argentine Tango. I hear she called “Goldeneye” “my song”. I hear she banged the dashboard of Starship Karen with her shoe whilst doing so. I hear Katy Brand muttered “…it’s just a dance Karen, and it was 6 years ago now…” and then Karen airlocked her. I hear a lot of things.
Scary Poppins & Bert dancing the Charleston
I knew they’d never get Artem dressed up as a chimney sweep. Artem doesn’t DO soot. Bruce tells us that he’s heard that Hollywood are doing a remake of Mary Poppins, with Rihanna in the lead role. He says it will be exactly the same, except at the beginning she’ll fly in on her umberella-ella-ella. So…exactly the same then? I hear that they’re mixing up the score a bit, and the show will now feature the songs “Pon Da Chiminy” and “Let’s Go Pop A Crotch”.
VT time now, and Fern tells us that last week she felt a little bit of the Strictly magic get into her being, and also into her soul. So THAT’S what that was. I just presumed it was gin. Artem says that he really enjoys dancing with Fern, because when she performs, she really PERFORMS. And also for about 6 hours after she’s stopped performing as well. Outside Artem’s house, by the bins, when he’s trying to sleep. He’s had to take down the curtains because she keeps on trying to do a waft with them.
Training now and…are you ready?
THEY’RE BACK! Yes, it’s time for the first of this year’s Comedy VTs. I hope you’re all suitably prepared, because I told you all this was going to happen, and next week’s Hallowe’en, so it’s only going to get worse. The theme of this one is that Fern’s old bag will stretch to fit far more than it appears as though it might, luckily for Artem. In fact at one point we see her pulling out what look like a giant string of
love-beads, followed by a shot indicating that Artem is
having trouble walking. COINCIDENCE? I think not.
Then he and Fern dance around on a rooftop.
Comedy VTs – as pointful as ever. We close with Fern saying that she really hopes she’s going to be able to get her Mary Magic out on Saturday Night. As if there isn’t enough “Mary Magic” on this show as it is. We’ve still got Richard & Erin to come.
FUN FUN FUN!
To the dance-floor and
nice work with the projection there guys. It looks like she’s had it surgically inserted up to her elbow. It’s like Tim Burton’s Edward Scissorhands but with more sensitivity shown to British weather. Mary Umbrellahand. Still played by Johnny Depp OBVIOUSLY. Fern and Artem are dancing their Charleston to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius” complete with
CGI penguins. The one hiding by the stairs is my favourite.
Honestly, I think Artem just doesn’t LIKE Charleston, which of course only propels him higher in my esteem. Although, whilst Kara being jazz-hot worked for her, and Holly puffing around like she’d just finished Race For Life to a hip-hop beat was at least funny, I’m not sure this Charleston-adjacent routine is working either way for Fern. It’s just kind of…dull? She should be giving it the full Jessica Robinson, but instead she can barely find the camera. MUG HARDER FERN.
And, again, her being given something to hold onto throughout has officially reached
parodic proportions. She doesn’t let go of her umbrella handlebars once. It’s like watching someone on the world’s dullest rollercoaster. Actually, that’s not fair
she briefly drops it to do the half-splits again, with an entry that’s far more refined and poised than her exit is. Hey, at least it’s a sign that Artem is still exerting some choreographical control over her. If she’d had her say she would have done it facing the other way. Happily, Fern has her umbrella back in time for the close and for her to
open her flaps, and say “pot-tickley perfect in every way” down the camera lens. Well there’s irony for you.
Over to the judges they go, where we get my favourite Fern Moment of the series so far. Artem steps back to give her the full “round of applause” treatment he gave both Kara and Holly and she
openly takes the piss back at him. Complete with belm-face.
Bruce reintroduces us to Raig, Arce, Len and Bruno, and reminds us that the Dance-Off is back. He tells us that the dance-off can get very emotional (boredom IS an emotion, I guess) so he’s brought tissues for Bruno, Len and Darcey. Given the number of SPORTSMEN still in the competition, I feel Len may require more than the rest. He’s also brought an onion for Craig, presumably because it goes well with mince.
Bruce then looks at Craig, now out of Tin Man garb and smiles “you’ve changed!…if only…”. Doesn’t really fit with the flow of the recap, but I actually laughed, and when I actually laugh at a Brucie joke, I always have to put it in, for posterity.
Len starts, by telling Fern that she turned “Hollywood” into “Jollygood” by embracing the feeling of Mary Poppins, although he would have liked a bit more Charleston in there. Or indeed…any. It just didn’t have the real Jamaican flavour that a Charleston should. Bruno follows, and calls Fern
“prim, proper, and extremely nice”. He’d know. There’s nobody more prim than Bruno. He then tells her that she needs to “pump it more”, like Julie and Dick did in the film. I don’t think she needs the encouragement Bruno. If she had her way, their training sessions would be nothing but pumping away morning, noon, and night. That’s Team Fartem for you.
Craig is next, and he tells her that it needed a lot more swivvel, she needed to bring her feet together in the plies, and that the whole routine was laboured. Fern looks like she’d be happy to show Craig a lot more swivvel. He liked her hedge-kicks and her jazz-split though. Darcey next, and she tells Fern that her energy and performance were much improved from last week, and hey, it’s not as thought she tells just ANYONE that. Every week. For every dance. Bruce then says that he doesn’t think Darcey’s mic is on (it is) so Darcey yells the rest of her critique into
Craig’s left boob. She tells Fern that she’d let her be Mary Poppins to her kids any day. That’s right, Darcey is now just using this show to find staff. She’s already got Iveta cleaning out her pool filter.
Up to the Tessanine Fern & Artem um-diddle-iddle-um-diddle-i
briefly stopping off at an usherette on the way up. I hope that usherette turns around at the end of the Results Show, to reveal that they are in fact JARED MURILLO. He will then go axe-crazy along with Hayley Holt! a la Mickey and Mallory from Natural Born Killers. Fun scenes. Tess then tries to interview Fern whilst she’s got a mouthful of popcorn, which ends about as well as you’d expect. She does grin to Artem that that’s the cleanest she’s ever done that dance.
In rehearsal she did it naked, and said “BUGGER!” the whole time. Nobody tell JELUS KARA. Artem agrees that that definitely was the least crap she’s ever been.
Tess then calls Fern Strictly’s very own “Mary Poppins”, because she turned up uninvited and talks to everyone on the show like they’re a child.
Not really, it’s because she gives everyone hugs and makes them all tea and tucks them in or some nonsense like that. Older women only getting to play the mother who’s irrelevant to the main plot? CHECK. IT’S HOLLYWOOD WEEK! Scores are in –
An Officer & A Pendleton dancing the rumba
Wardrobe Girl on It Takes Two : “now the important thing is that it doesn’t look like fancy dress”. Bruce says that Victoria is being a right diva backstage – apparently she’s been dictating to the make-up people what shade of fake tan they’re allowed to put on her. Well…maybe she saw what happened last year.
Who wants to end up looking like that?
Bruce then jokes that this is because British Olympians just won’t settle for bronze, which is why of course Tom Daley was such a non-story at London 2012. He then starts singing “Land Of Hope & Glory” but stops himself with a “oh no, we don’t have time for that”. Yeah, Bruce it’s a lack of TIME stopping you from doing that. Rather than a lack of industrial strength ear-defenders.
VT time now, and Victoria says last Saturday was such fun, as Brenda mewls that he’s so proud of her, because she did not die, or spark a full blown Civil War, or blow up Norwich, or whatever PENDLEDRAMA normally does in her day to day life. In the great life exam that is Strictly, she got her name written down without stabbing someone in the eye with her biro, and that’s all we can expect of her.
Training now, where Victoria reveals she will be dancing her rumba to “Up Where We Belong” from An Officer And A Gentleman, and it’s supposed to be a very passionate and sensual dance.
PHWOAR! FEEL THE KNICKER ELASTIC PING ACROSS THE NATION!
As you can see, Victoria is finding it difficult to perform a sexy dance of sexy romance, sexily. She explains that there’s not a lot of cause for frottage in cycling, and in fact it can even get you disqualified if you reach out and honk a fellow competitor’s boob in the middle of the peloton. Seriously, these cycling laws. So arcane and byzantine. It’s no wonder she couldn’t get through a race at the Olympics without being disqualified twice and decapitating someone. Victoria says that in cycling, she’s normally entirely focused on self-planning and thinking about her next move, whereas on the dance-floor, she’s going to have to look to “her leading man” for guidance and support. Yeah, it doesn’t show or anything.
We close with Brenda saying that he’s always thought of himself as an officer (if not a gentleman) and he hopes that Victoria will have the audience holding their breaths during this routine. Oh we will be Brenda, don’t worry about that.
To the dancefloor now and
oh look, it’s Titanic! Has it come to pick the penguins up?
In terms of Victoria’s Continuing Adventures In Latin, it’s a step up from her cha cha, in that it takes her a bit longer to break down, and the bit that she does before she breaks down is actually much better than it was in her cha cha. Unfortunately, from this
drag(/unfortunate kissing incident) onwards, it all goes a bit downhill and soon Brendan’s just plonking her about anywise. It’s not helped that Brendan’s clearly having to fight with every sinew of his body against choreographing to a song that goes “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong” by just plonking lifts in every 5 seconds. There’s a LOT of demi-lifts where Victoria is clearly supposed to keep one foot trailing along the floor at all times and she just…doesn’t? And her sexy rumba face looks a bit
this happens, and I’ve never seen An Officer And A Gentleman, but I don’t think the officer and a gentleman was supposed to be a space moth, wrapping Debra Winger in a silky cocoon, only for her to emerge at the end as a BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY. If he is, then let me know, because I will be RIGHT ON watching it.
Over to the judges they fly, where Victoria gives Brenda his ice-cream man hat back, and we’re introduced to Davearch and The Gang.
And hello to you too, Man In The Hat. Now…what shall we make him do next?
Bruce first question is “wouldn’t you rather have danced that with Richard Gere?”, because that’s who all the kids fancy these days, is Richard Gere. Him and Judd Nelson. Anyway Victoria says “not at all!”, whilst Brenda sadly nods his head. At least Richard Gere would remember the steps…
Bruno starts for the judges, and he tells Victoria that just as she was starting to sizzle, she nearly boiled over. Bless Bruno for trying to sizzle a pot of water. Only he would. He goes on to say that she got into a real mangle and fizzled out, which is a shame, because at the beginning of the routine, no officer, gentleman or general would have turned her down. I don’t know Bruno, I can think of a few. Craig follows by telling Victoria that he sees an actress finally emerging from her. Is it Andie McDowell? Fantastic legs, wonderful hip action, it’s just a pity about the costume drama. Although he deems that to be her fault “with all the chiffon”. Yeah, not so much call for chiffon in the cycling. Too much wind resistance. Bruce turns to Victoria and says “too much soft peddaling – that’s the problem”. Up on the Tessanine
Denise and Tracy look like they agree.
Darcey follows, and tells Victoria she does look like she’s just come off a movie set. “War Of The Worlds”? She goes on to say that Victoria looks very pretty, and her nerves were a big improvement on last week. It was quite sensual, but her fingers haven’t improved from last week, so Darcey suggests putting some paper between her fingers and wafting it around
like an ageing predatory homosexual trying to catch the eye of a barman. Works every time. Len finishes off by telling us all that he’s in a good mood, so she can have a 7, why not? Sadly he’s not in such a giving mood that he’s not going to bore on for the next 45 seconds with some tenous bicycle metaphor that’s going to bore the arse off everyone. Hooray!
I’d love to see the same thing expanded out to the other contestants. “Colin, your Week 1 was a bit like the bit at the beginning of the Bond film where he’s zhuzing down the mountain on ‘is skiis going fwoof fwoof fwoof but then in Week 3 it all went a bit like the bits where Roger Moore used to creeper around the Riviera trying to look up girls skirts and it went on for about half an hour and you din’t know if you were watching a Bond film or Carry On Spying but then THIS WEEK it was like the bit where he was shagging the girl in the dinghy and then Q tuned in and all the ambasadors went “ooh, where’s me wotsits, I can see her nipples!”. GOOD JOB MY SON!”. Something like that.
Up to the Tessanine they lift themselves up, and Brendan IMMEDIATELY hurls a handful of popcorn in Tess’ face. Yeah, that’s what I’d do as well. Victoria gushes “OH NO!” in reference to her tangle as though her clothes trying to murder her isn’t a daily occurance in the life of PENDLEDRAMA.
Look, it’s at it again! Brendan gives a big shoutout to wardrobe, despite Victoria’s dress almost ruining the entire routine, presumably just because they’ve allowed him to fulfil one of his macho dress-up fantasies. Never change Brenda, never change.
We next cover how Victoria is not an actress, and Tess asks how she, as a non-actress, got her head around the very complicated Art Of Pretendy. Victoria says it was easy, because she was working with such a handsome young man. Sensing a potential STRICTLY ROMANCE, Tess’ face goes into overdrive.
Never should have set her off Victoria. Never. Tess asks Brenda if Victoria has more to give, he says she does, scores are in
Blakey & Olive dance the cha cha
The “On The Buses” movie is a bit older-viewer skewing for these days i…oh wait, it’s The Full Monty. Never mind. Bruce says that people keep on taking the mickey out of Michael because he’s a cricketer. This is all going a bit X Factor isn’t it? It’s tough out there for a SPORTSMAN. Before you know it he’ll be having a televised panic attack and complaining about how his tickly spleen is going to impair his performance of “Read All About It”.
VT time and
my God, the editors have found the one moment of his jive where he was in sync with Natalie. I mean, it looks like he’s got a curtain rail stuck down his leg but still…give those guys a raise! Michael says that he thinks he wasn’t that bad. There were a few bits where he was out of sync (!), but eventually he’d like to get some good comments. OK MICHAEL!
In training, and Michael tells us that he’s gone for a Sheffield classic for his cha cha this week. Please let it be Kes, please let it be Kes, please let it be Kes…
oh boo. The VT then takes a turn for the awful, as it mangles itself into some sort of quasi-50s public information film about how Sheffield is a city on the grow and all that. I think it might behoove the VT editors to work out where their joke is before they start filming things, because I can’t really detect one here.
Natalie next tells us that Michael is like every other bloke in the country – only having something to do with Strictly because his wife has forced him to. She says that she hopes the public will view him as some sort of Everyman figure , because let’s face it, it’s his only hope. We then lurch into another comedy bit where Michael is “training everywhere” followed by shots of him in the gym, WH Smiths, a Turkish bath, Neptune and finally, in a recreation of the most iconic (*drink*) moment of The Full Monty
in the dole queue. Notice they’ve cropped it off at the edges, so you can’t see Karen Hauer.
To the dancefloor now and
TUNA NICOISE – £4? I thought this was Sheffield. AND this is before you put the ketchup on. Anyway, the storyline is that Natalie is a waitress in this diner, dressed like
this, just humbly scrubbing tables. Then she is spotted by a
RANDY BUS DRIVER, who enters
orders some meatballs whilst the waitress has an epileptic lust-fit and then gets
stripped to his…cricket whites. They then cha cha. To paraphrase Jennifer Grey (for the first and last time), “I don’t know what they’re putting in your porridge Natalie, but I want some”.
His cha-cha? Well, he’s trying, and he’s doing the steps. He is wearing constant duck-face like a 15 year old girl on Facebook, which doesn’t mesh well with the fact that his forearms are so hairy it looks like he’s wearing furry gauntlets. It’s not quite the comedic tour de force his jive was, but I was laughing constantly.
Especially at the end, when he gets spun into the chair and
nearly brings the whole stage-set tumbling down after him. Top Ten Sexiest Strictly Moments right there.
Smoothly recovered, Michael.
Over to the judges they strip, where Bruce asks Michael what he ordered and he replies “a full mashings”. Well, he certainly got one.
Craig starts for the judges by saying that he certainly didn’t find it very sexy. Methinks the lady, etc etc. There were timing issues and much awkwardness throughout. Apparently Michael was landing on the “2” beat like a felled tree. Did he even get to “2” at any point? The whole dance seemed to be a series of “1”s to me. Craig closes by telling Michael that “Latin” isn’t really going to be his dance. Just the one? SALSAMBCHA strikes again! Natalie grins “better than last week, no?” back at Craig, in defiance. Well…yes Natalie, and therefore for this show, much much worse. Darcey next and guess what? She liked it SO MUCH BETTER THAN LAST WEEK. She could see Michael was happier out there, even though the timing was out. Hey, at least his top and bottom halves were connected. Vaguely. That’s…erm…something.
Len is next and admits there was the odd timing mistake, but it wasn’t happening all the way through. He liked how Michael was straightening his leg, and also that he saw cucarachas all over the floor of the restaurant.
Don’t say it too loudly Len, the health inspectors will come and close Cafe Natalie down. It’s struggling for business enough as it is! Anyway, Len says that last week was “Borehamwood” but this week was “Hollywood”. I thought Fern had turned “Hollywood” into “Jollygood”? I’m so lost.
Bruno closes by saying that he was very disappointed – he was hoping Michael would get his chopper out again to distract from the dancing. One week a series Bruno. That’s all you’re getting. He needs to listen to the music more, because what we’re getting currently is “The Full Manic”. That would be the best crossover Jukebox Musical EVAH. “If You Take Off Your Shirt, Then Your Pants Will Be Next”, “You Stole The Jobs From My North”, and “Oh Sean, Spray” makes for a killer climax…
Up to the Tessanine they eat their hearts out, and Tess immediately starts giggling that Michael was nearly BOWLED OVER there A HA HA HA HA HA HA. We’re reminded that Darcey praised him for really trying, and Tess asks Michael if he’s enjoying his Strictly experience. He says that he is. Tess then giggles that he definitely had better hip action than last week (might be because he was DOING A JIVE THEN, TESS) and then gets him to wiggle his bum.
Look at that James, such a dirty perve. Scores are in
Tess and Natalie then fight over a Flump.
Mrs Robinson & Anton du Beke dancing the quickstep
I’m guessing this is the sequel, where Mrs Robinson seduces Benjamin’s father for REVENGE. Bruce tells us that when Jerry appeared as Mrs Robinson in the West End version of The Graduate, she played an older woman who seduced a younger man. Bruce says he’d love to be seduced by an older woman but there
AREN’T ANY LEFT! You were the one who inveigled Arlene out in favour of Alesha Bruce, don’t come crying to me now.
VT time, and despite what my recap may have indicated, Jerry did do a dance last week. It was a foxtrot. I think. Anyway, Jerry says she really enjoyed the dance, and she thinks the judges were a bit harsh. They didn’t fire you out of a catapult Jerry, so they weren’t harsh enough. We see her complaining to Anton backstage that the judges were really unfair because she
DIDN’T MAKE ANY MISTAKES IN HER DANCE! Yes, and I didn’t make any mistakes in my Maths Finals either Jerry, because I DIDN’T TAKE THEM. Anyway, she promises to learn from the mistakes that she didn’t even think she made.
To training now, where we are greeted by this face saying
“Welcome To Hollywood!”. TURN AROUND! TURN AROUND! IT’S A TRAP! Let’s got to Vermont instead…
Anyway she explains that this is indeed Hollywood Week, and she and Anton will be doing the Quickstep to “Mrs Robinson”. Happily this provides the editors with an excuse to play “Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard” over their VT which is officially the best song about drug-fuelled sodomy ever to be sung on Sesame Street. Anton deadpans to us all that Jerry Hall of course played Mrs Robinson in The Graduate, which I guess is technically true, but if I were Ann Bancroft I’d have my lawyers all over it anyway, just because.
Whatever she did, she uses it as licence to hilariously “seduce” Anton in the training room
until he doesn’t know which way is up and he can barely even keep up the glazed-over “quipping” which he now spews out 24/7 like carbon dioxide. Breathe in oxygen, breathe out stale “marvellous!”. We close with Jerry saying she wants to work on her posture this week. Maybe she hopes she’ll have one? DARE TO DREAM JERRY. She mugs full-bore that she has to give an Oscar winning performance this week, or it’s curtains for her! Eh, if Catherine Zeta Jones did it, it can’t be that hard.
To the dance-floor and
I see Dr Hammie’s therapy sessions are as professional as ever. “TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD, ANTON! YOU CAN CALL ME MOMMY IF YOU LIKE!”. I do have to say, dressing Anton up as a preppy feels like a particularly cruel joke on everyone concerned. It’s more than a little “rapping granny”.
Fortunately for him, it is in fact
Jerry who emerges from behind the veil, not Dr Hammie. You can tell by the fact that she’s wearing clothes.
HOLY SHIT, IT MOVES! Admittedly she is mostly just galloping around in a circle, holding on to Anton for dear life, and there’s pretty much no finesse or pizznache to it, but it’s actually probably the fastest quickstep of the evening, if you get your pedometers out. Anyway, the fact that I’m impressed by this
tells you two things :
a) my standards are THROUGH THE FLOOR this series
b) she’s about to be eliminated
LOOK AT HER GO, THOUGH!
Sadly the end is ruined, when she creeps back behind the veil and
presents herself to Anton, anally. And let’s face it, NOBODY NEEDED THAT IMAGE.
They emerge, blinking into the light, as Bruce tells her that Jerry just did her best dance to date. High praise indeed. Up there with “greatest Police Academy movie” or “most insightful thing Tess has ever said”. Especially given the source. Darcey starts for the judges, saying
“that dance suited you, maybe because you enjoyed acting like a slag, yah?”. Or words to that effect. She then warns Jerry not to fade towards the end of the dance, and she could see that she was losing interest in the dance. Darcey, it was about 60 seconds more interest in doing anything than we’ve ever got out of her before, let’s not count our chickens. Darcey closes by saying that she liked it and guess what? It was so much better than last week! Len is next and tells Jerry that it was “a little bit like Upstairs Downstairs”. Cancelled midway through because nobody gave a shit because it’s not the 70s anymore, and we’ve all moved on? No, it’s because upstairs they were still lots of problems, but “downstairs, you’re quite neat and tidy”.
The attendany hilarity lasts until halfway through Merlin. Merlin asks Arthur what that strange laughter is, and then they go back to…I don’t know rubbing magical ointment into one another’s semi-naked buttocks. I lost track of that programme ages ago. To tide us over whilst we wait for everyone to stop laughing, here’s a picture of two of my favourite reality tv winners of all time, together at last.
What do you MEAN she didn’t win? I DEMAND A RECOUNT!
Craig’s next, and he says that the whole thing would have been better performed behind the screen. Could say the same for you, dear. He snots “three notes darling : posture, posture, posture”. Again, pot, kettle really. Anton smiles back “you have to say it’s better than last week though…darling!”. No he doesn’t Anton, that’s Darcey. I think it might be a gypsy curse.
Up to the Tessanine they hide from the kids, and
I have to say Jerry’s looking pretty hot this week. Up til now it’s been a bit “mutton dressed as Amanda Lamb” but you can really see why she was such a big deal, once upon a time. See, this is what happens when you TRY. Jerry proclaims that quickstep was a really energetic dance, and really that whole thing she did there was an endorsement for HRT. I’m sure you’ll excuse them if they don’t include it in their adverts… Tess crows that NOBODY does sheer glamour like Jerry Hall, and wonders what else she has to offer to the competition. Jerry reveals that next week she would have done a dance to “Paint It Black”.
What a shame we never got to see it. Not because it would have been any good, but because all Jerry’s dances seem to relate to her, autobiographically, and I wanted to get to the one inspired by her days sharing a flat with other models in Paris. Anton as Grace Jones = COMEDY PLATINUM. Scores are in
Stacey Jaxx & Ola Jordan dancing the tango
Less Stacey Jaxx, more Stacey Slater really isn’t it? Bruce says that thus far on Strictly we’ve seen the fun side of Sid, but how will he cope with showing a different side tonight in the tango? Don’t worry Bruce, we won’t be seeing any fun from Sid tonight…
VT now, and Sid says he really enjoyed doing the salsa last week. Ola for her part says that Sid might have made tons of mistakes and got crap scores but hey
at least he didn’t drop her on her face! I feel her years (and partners) on this show have left Ola with her expectations in…a slightly different place from the other female pros. They then show the clip of Len saying the salsa is from Jamaica AGAIN. This is at least the fourth re-airing. I swear the people who edit it this show are actively setting out to humiliate him these days. In which case…keep it up guys.
Training now, and Sid reveals that his tango this week is being done in tribute to Rock Of Ages. That well known blockbuster hit. I love that it failed, because Adam Shankman made a load of horrid noise about how he wanted to make a musical that straight guys would come and see, and then NOBODY DID, A HA HA HA. Also because jukebox musicals are the work of the devil. Anyway, they will be dancing to a Whitesnake song, so Sid proclaims that he is
READY TO RAWK!
Have you ever seen anything less rock in your life? I think Alex Jones’ stint on the show was more rock n roll than this. At least she electrocuted herself and threw herself off tall buildings. Oh no…wait…things are about to get a lot less Rock N Roll.
It’s like the match-up screen for the world’s worst fighting game isn’t it? OLA JORDAN VS PAPA LAZAROU! FIGHT!
To the dance-floor!
Do you know, I never really understood the whole “guitar as penis substitute” aspect of rock culture until this very second? They are, of course, dancing to “Here I Go Again”, not any of the other of Whitesnake’s fine, fine songs. Although to be fair “Is This Love?” would be barely less appropriate. The dance is like all of Ola’s worst rock’n’roll tango habits condensed into their purest form. The
HYPNOBOOBS are out, the catsuit is on, and then Sid’s
penis lights on fire.
for what feels like half an hour. There is very little more tragic than someone who can’t play guitar miming playing guitar. It’s like watching closeted gay men trying to chat up women – all the motions are there with absolutely no connection, and you just wonder who they think they’re fooling. He’s wheeling his hands around like a 6 year old learning to swim. Then he finally puts his bloody penis down and
tangos like he’s waltzing. I guess it IS the thing he’s shown most aptitutde for thus far. About three quarters of the way through you can the patented Strictly look of
“…oh this is going WRONG” flash across his face, and he’s lucky it’s near the end, because I’ve a feeling he might have pulled a Victoria if self-awareness had struck him sooner. To close he
nearly hits Ola in the face with his penis. TA-DAH.
And yet it still resembled a tango more than THIS MONSTROSITY.
Over to the judges he goes, looking
more Nancy than Sid, and Len starts by saying that he doesn’t know about “Rock Of Ages” but it took bloomin ages for Sid to get started, and when he did, it wasn’t staccato at all. His penis exploded Len, leave off. Let’s see how you’d do without use of it. Gough would never have won for a start. Bruno follows by saying he doesn’t know if it reminded him of “Les Dawson to be AC/DC in Van Halen or what”.
Well if you don’t know Bruno, then I’m buggered if I can work it out. Although I would love it if he was using “AC/DC” as slang there.
Craig is next, and calls it “stompy, clompy, and clumpy”. Fun Fact : those were originally going to be the names of Donald Duck’s nephews. At this savaging, Sid retreats to his happy place, just making him look even more like the transvestite serial killer from Cherry Falls with every passing second.
Up to the Tessanine they walk along the lonely streets of dreams, without even stopping for a flump on the way up (maybe he went before they did the dance? Or…in the middle?). Tess asks him how it felt to act like a Rock God, and Sid mumbles “…well I enjoyed it…” before welling up a bit. Tess then yells
“ARE YOU BEING EMOTIONAL?! ARE YOU CRYING?! ARE YOU?! DO I SEE TEARS?!” forever, right in his face. Leave off Tess, he’s got to go pick the kids up from soccer practice in a bit. Scores are in
Judybot & Denis Norden dancing the quickstep
It’s uncanny isn’t it? I’d certainly enjoy taking a good look at his bloope[JOKE REDACTED]
And we are back in business, ladies and gentlemen. Thank goodnes for Rogaine.
Bruce says that Kimberly and Pasha will be dancing to a song from Summer Stock, which is a classic Gene Kelly film. Apparently he watched it with the judges backstage before the show. Bruno apparently said “Gene Kelly was brilliant!”. See, that how you know this is a joke and not real life, because Bruno does NOT talk like that. I can’t imagine Bruno getting all the way through a film without explosions in it anyway. He probably sat through the whole thing going “which one’s he? What’s she do? Isn’t she the one who was married to the Irish man? OOOH, WHO’S HE, I’D DO HIM! *demonstrates how he’d do him, on Darcey*. THIS IS BORING! The songs aren’t as good as The Lion King. HAKUNA MATATA! I like that one. *dances around the sofa pretending to be a warthog, waggling his arse*. OH I THOUGHT SCOTT MASLEN WAS IN THIS ONE, YOU LIED TO ME!” *STORMS OUT*
Anyway, Craig gave Gene Kelly’s dancing a 6, that’s the punchline, let’s get on with it.
VT time, and Kimberley says that her performance on Saturday Night was the worst that she’d ever done the dance, and “Len’s comments were fair…I didn’t expect him to be quite so angry though”.
I love her face of mock-fear, like she couldn’t snap his spine in 0.8 seconds, like she did that reviewer from The Guardian who only gave “Chemistry” 2 stars. IT’S A LATTER-DAY POP MASTERPIECE YOU PHILISTINE! *crack*. We’re then reminded that after the dance she had a bit of a boo-hoo, and then she says that really she was disappointed in herself, because she knows she can do better. Pasha for his part says that he knows Kimberley was only so emotional because she’s a perfectionist and then he hugs her and
[*5 MINUTES OF ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR GOING ARGLE-FLARGLE IN A POOL OF MY OWN TRAGIC DRIBBLE REDCATED*]
Training now, and Kimberley says she thinks the song they’re dancing to it very fitting. It’s “Get Happy” aka “The Cheeriest Song About The Apocalypse EVAH!”. Kimberley says it’s a classic Judy Garland song, and she just loves Judy Garland.
Eh, that looks more like Liza, Kimberley.The song is from the film “Summer Stock”. Here, from wikipedia, is the plot of the film “Summer Stock”.
“Jane Falbury is a farm owner whose actress sister Abigail arrives at the family farm with her theater troupe. They need a place to rehearse, and Jane and her housekeeper Esme reluctantly agree to let them use their barn. The actors and actresses, including the director Joe Ross, repay her hospitality by doing chores around the farm. Although Joe is engaged to Abigail, he begins to fall in love with Jane after Abigail leaves him in an angry fit. Similarly, although Jane is engaged to Orville, she falls in love with Joe.”
Is that not the most generic thing you’ve ever read in your entire life? I bet Esme’s a CUT-UP.
Anyway, Kimberley says she’s going to take some advice from the song, stop fretting so much about being perfect and
GET HAPPY! I’m saying it bodes well if Pasha hears “Get Happy” and then gets into that position. Pasha for his part says he hopes Kimberley really nails the quickstep this week so he’s brought her some flowers and chocolates as a present and encouragement. I keep expecting this to turn into some sort of comedy skit but…it doesn’t. He’s just that ridiculous. We close with Kimberley going full bot and saying “I’m happy and I hope the judges will be too, on Saturday Night”.
Such a bot.
To the Dance Floor and
oh God Pasha is actually reading a proper newspaper and everything. The New York Times from December 14th 1934 to be exact. I was expecting the usual headlines you get on newspapers on this show ie “EXTRA EXTRA : KIMBERLEY’S LONG LEGS MAKE LEN GO GAGA!” or “NEWSFLASH : RICHARD IS A POOF!”. He’s so learned. The trumpets start up and
Kimberley rushes in, and starts flirting (/stalking) Pasha but he’s having none of it. Kimberley of course takes rejection as well as any murder-robot would
TERMINATES THE NEWSPAPER and then makes Pasha dance with her by grinding her bum on his crotch and pulling
Girls Aloud face. I’m not sure how well that face fits in with the 30s aesthetic but ok.
The dance itself is very light and elegant and well-performed, despite a couple of small stumbles towards the beginning and
ooh look a running splits! I do think she’s still coasting a little bit, but then I guess it doesn’t pay to peak too soon, and I’m not about to get all Len Goodman on her ass about it.
Up on the Tessanine
Karen asks Fern who Girls Aloud are again, because she is FROM VENEZUELA and they don’t have pop music there. Fern replies that they’re like The Spice Girls, but cast out of a Next catalogue rather than a Littlewoods one. Meanwhile Bruce is congratulating Kimberley on her standing ovation, which is being led by
Bruno starts for the judges, yelling “NOW WE ARE IN BUSINESS, KIMBERLEY!”
Yes, she’ll be raking off 25% of takings, 15% of merchandise, and 10% of worldwide distribution rights, along with a transmission fee for any future airing of the show. Bruno goes on to say Kimberley’s quickstep had glitz and glamour, and it was also light and lovely. She really captured the spirit of the song, and she had a great frame and body contact. Bruce then says he’s going to ignore Craig and go straight to Darcey, and that when he does this, it’s just because the show is pressed for time. I wish we’d had this explanation in the Alesha years. Would have saved about 50,000 people claiming it’s because she said “YOU WAS” instead of “YOU WERE” so the producers obviously demanded she never speak again because they’re so EMBARRASSED by this illiterate urchin who found themselves somehow on the judging panel.
Anyway, Darcey said the dance had beautiful light steps and Kimberley’s top-line and core were wonderful. She’s always such a pleasure to watch. For Darcey anyway. Mercifully, she does not say “wow factor” again. Len finishes by grinning “Good News from Goodman! I liked it”. I hope that doesn’t become a thing. The catchphrase I mean, not Len liking things. He tells Pasha that Kimberley is listing too far to his right side however, and this is making her right arm too straight. Kimberley nods away that Pasha has told her this already. Didn’t Louis reveal that the male dancers always dress to the left to erm…prevent contact? I’m just saying I’d have no problem moving over.
Up to the Tessanine they get happy and
OH MY GOD JARED, DON’T OFFER HER A LOLLIPOP OTHERWISE THINGS MIGHT GE…oh wait, wrong member of Girls Aloud. Never mind, carry on. Once they’re up there, Tess asks her if she’s happier than she was last week, and she says that she is. She’s not entirely sure what happened out there on the dancefloor, but she enjoyed it. Tess goes on to ask if Pasha is now the sixth member of Girls Aloud.
Well it can’t go any worse than the auditions the show’s other male pros did that one time. Scores are in
29. And yes she does receive all her scores with a mouthful of pick’n’mix. Classy bird.
Jessie James Jordan & Pennywise The Clown dancing the foxtrot
Bruce tells us that Denise has been performing since she was 12 years old. Really? Feels like longer. Feels like longer THIS SERIES. Apparently she told Bruce that showbiz was in her blood. I’d be careful about that Denise – too much showbiz in the blood can lead to anaemia, sepsis, and premature ageing.
Just look at Bruce. He’s 52.
VT now, and Denise says she really wanted to dance the jive well last week, because James keeps on telling her that he’s the King Of Jive. This week she wants to dance the foxtrot well, because James keeps on telling her he’s the King Of Foxtrot. Next week she’ll want to dance the paso doble well because James etc etc you get the joke now. Denise tells us that she could see Len mouthing along the words to Tutti Frutti whilst she was doing the Lindy, and it really made her laugh. Len’s singing will never not be funny. Although not as funny as Craig’s. Anyway, we’re reminded that the judges loved the routine, and Craig even called it “fab-u-lous”. James preens that he’s been doing the show 7 years now, and he’s never got a “fab-u-lous” from Craig til now. Seriously, I have spreadsheets and could tell you who was top of the leaderboard in Week 7 of Series 5 (Alesha – duh) but even I draw the line somewhere.
Training now and
I bet that the’s first time a woman’s got her hand on Robin Windsor’s clapperboard in quite some time. Denise tells us that she’s going to be dancing her foxtrot to a Toy Story theme. She’s really excited by this, because she loves Toy Story, and therefore the whole idea of dancing as “Jess & Woody”. Really I would have preferred to see her as Bozz Lightspears, but there we are. (I’m not judging! I still can’t get the names of all of the Mean Girls right and I’ve watched it about twenty times) (It shows doesn’t it?).
James grins that he and Denise work really hard, but they also play hard too.
Yes, it’s EXTREME SOCK-PUPPETRY! Careful Denise, don’t want to aggrevate that mild whipla…
To the dancefloor and
part of me hopes that James is in fact inside the teddy bear, and he has in fact choreographed the creepiest bloody dance OF ALL TIME. I mean, this show has enough weird sexual issues as it is without bringing plushies into the fold. But no
the cowboy hat’s on, we’re fine. Phew. Really this is tremendous pandering to the kiddie/determinedly naive vote isn’t it? Not that I’m not part of that demographic (OMG, MONSTERS INC 2 COMING SOON!!!) but the whole thing’s so twee and tra-la-la they’re lucky it’s a foxtrot and not something more naturally sugary like a waltz. Otherwise I would have yakked up all over my sofa, rather than being mildly charmed.
Also, watching James pull children’s party entertainer faces after 6 series of him trying to act like dem baddest, dem roughest is
pretty bloody funny. Nice to see Denise correcting his awful posture as well. Naturally in 10 years she’ll claim “all I did in my foxtrot was sit on the floor! TYPICAL ME! *gurn*””
Over to the judges they woody, where Craig start by telling Denise she had great posture and great control, and the whole routine was beautifully acted.
I can’t get over those eyelashes on Denise. They make her look like Dawn French as “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?”
Darcey’s next, and she says “you CAN dance Denise” but also tells her that she needs to make sure she doesn’t get too comfortable. Well that sounded like a threat. Denise protests that she’s REALLY NERVOUS, HONEST and Darcey snarks “it doesn’t show”. I’m hoping for Denise vs Darcey : DANCE WARS at some point, but to be fair, it’s probably just that Darcey’s intonation is so bizarre I can’t discern her actual feelings any more. Meanwhile Louis
sneers down from Mount Olympus, unimpressed with these mortal affairs. You would never catch an OLYMPIAN pretending to be a toy cowboy. Len follows up by giving Denise & James “a verbal pat on the back”. Denise reacts like he’s given her a verbal
patt on the head. Len says the routine was brilliant and congratulates Denise on doing a particular bit of arcane technical foxtrot faff. Nice posture as well. Bruno closes by saying “Jessie and Woody, Woody & Jessie! You were MADE for eachother!”. Eh, she was more of a rebound shag after Bo Peep MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED. Or at least that’s how I remember it.
Up to the Tessanine they jessie, where Tess asks Denise if she EVER thought that Darcey Bussell would call her elegant. Denise says no she didn’t, and James BANTERTRON5000s that he didn’t either, ho ho. Denise goes on about how hard she’s worked and her NERVES and the EXPECTATIONS and all I can see is Sid Owen’s little sulky face in the background :
HIS MUM SAID HE LOOKED LIKE A ROCK STAR! *pout*
Anyway, Denise and James BANTERTRON5000 back and forth (“I was nervous tonight!” “So was I, inside that box!” “I was gonna leave you in there!” “I was gonna stay in there!” “I was gonna set it on fire!” “I hate you!” “BANTER BANTER BANTER BANTER!”) and then Tess tries to get in on the act, telling James that was his most wooden performance to date…BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING WOODY! DO YOU SEE?
Give it up woman, the doll was plastic. Scores are in
James Bond & Pussy Galore dancing the Argentine Tango
Really they should have dressed her as Nick Nack yes? SEXY! Bruce tells us that Colin Salmon will be doing an Argentine Tango to a James Bond theme, but he’s only doing a couple of lifts. Bruce asked why, and Colin replied “because if you’re dancing to a James Bond theme, You Only Lift Twice”. (*actual laugh*) Almost makes all those weeks of aggressive shoe-horning his “Bond status” in worth it, doesn’t it? Well…not “almost” but…some distance.
VT time now, and Colin says that he’s pleased that he got to the end of the waltz without falling over, and also he feels like he generated the right amount of romance. He does seem very at ease with the romantic stuff, especially given that he’s 50. I can’t remember any other celebrity in their 50s being quite so comfortable and elegant in showing their sexuality on the dance-floor. Well
apart from the obvious. WELL, SHE SAID SHE WAS IN HER 50S, SO LET’S JUST GO WITH IT, OK.
Kristina for her part says she felt like a little princess in Colin’s arms. Thumbelina? She finishes by saying she’s so proud of Colin, especially as his crappy wrist-flicking was the only thing Craig could find wrong with the routine.
Training now, and Colin says that he’s going to be doing his Argentine Tango to a Bond theme. But training has been difficult, as he’s been in Vancouver all week.
LOOK! GLAMOROUS VANCOUVER! He says that he’s filming his role in the new series “Arrow” (he’s playing the arrow, honest, HE’S THE STAR) but we all know it’s because he’s dancing to Goldeneye, and he had to go to Canada because it was the only place he was safe from being decapitated by Karen’s steel-rimmed hat (yes, I said “hat”). She’s been barred from Canada since…that incident. You know, the one with the Mexican ambassador, the donkey, and the priceless Ming Vase. OH KAREN!
Happily this is an excuse for Kristina to dress up like she would imagine a spy would to sneak onto the set and train with Colin.
INCONSPICUOUS! (Still not as amazing as that episode of It Takes Two where Jared “lived his dream” of being a spy, by walking into a crowded bar and loudly announcing “I HEAR YOU HAVE SOME INFORMATION ABOUT THE BOMB!” to his contact)
Eventually she creeps in, after doing some quality “The Professionals” hiding-behind-a-car action to this scene. I like to imagine the conversation as something like :
“Hi Colin! Are you ready to train for our SEXY Argentine Tango? I’ve scented my hair with vanilla, to make it SNIFFABLY FRESH!”
“Excellent! Let’s get started!”
“Let’s go to your dressing room, where it’s a bit more comfortable”
“Erm…this is my dressing room. Definitely. Right here”
“But this is some drafty old shed! I thought you said you were the star of the show!”
“I am! This is how the star dressing rooms are in Canada! I am the star! I AM ARRON ARROW! I WAS JAMES BOND DAMNIT!”
“Sure you were Colin…sure you were”
Kristina says this was MISSION ACCOMPLISHED and she’s so glad she came all the way from London to do 2 hours rehearsal with Colin. Now to hit the EXCITING SIGHTS OF EXOTIC VANCOUVER! What to do first? Hmmm…
To the dance-floor and
the thing about James Bond is that he had an actual gun, which I know we can’t do at this time on BBC 1, but making little finger-guns and going
“p’yow p’yow p’yow” is a little…sad. Anyway, they’re dancing to “Goldeneye” by Tina Turner just like…I dunno…someone in Series 4? I think it might have been Peter Schmeichal? Of course not! It was STRICTLY LEGEND and Dancing Accountant Mark Ramprakash! Can these two ever hope to live up to blah blah etc etc, tie Karen to her chair like Hannibal Lecter and hope for the best. Naturally, because it’s an Argentine Tango a la Kristina
there is foot punching about 15 seconds in. To Colin’s credit, he just flicks his foot, like he’s swatting a fly or trying to knock off a dried up piece of dog poo.
The whole thing lacks close hold or real intensity, and again, not to bang on, it’s because of the height thing. I mean, of all the way to try to overcome it
this isn’t the most subtle. The whole routine is mostly Kristina flouncing around, vamping hard at the camera, whilst Colin stands there and hold on to her wrist to stop her flying off and attaching herself to somebody’s face. His posture’s kind of odd as well –
looks like he’s about to break into Velociraptor Dance at any second. A triumph really of Colin’s ability to smoulder, Kristina’s well-known vamp-capacity and not a lot else. I’ll forgive anything for this end-pose though.
WHAT IS THIS? I CAN’T EVEN!
It gets a standing ovation, I guess because if just ONE person stands up it’s easier for Karen to snipe them from her starship. Safety in numbers.
Darcey starts for the judges, going from 0 to Creepy in no seconds flat by grinning at Colin that she was hoping he’d give her
“the spy treatment” in that routine, but she would have liked him to have been a DIRTY spy, because Argentine Tango is a DIRTY street dance. Oh Darcey, go watch a porno. Len follows, saying he was left more shaken than stirred.
Anyway, Len was upset because if you take out all the lifts and the stagey business, there wasn’t a lot of Argentine Tango going on there. WHERE WERE THE SWEATY PAMPERS? HE DIDN’T EVEN DO NO NACHOS!
Bruno is next, and he compliments Colin by telling him that he played “the mean baddy bad-ass” very well. I believe “Baddy Bad-Ass” was actually a villain in a Bond film once. One of the Roger Moore ones. He really admired how Colin handled Kristina throwing her everything (including, at one point, her kitchen sink) at him, but he didn’t really do a lot of dancing. Craig closes by saying that the dance was full of authority and dominance (which he loves) (good to know) and he adored the spectacular lifts. All the more spectacular for the fact that Kristina practically had to springboard off the table to be just about able to reach his shoulders.
Up to the Tessanine they sprint, although sadly the usherette has now disappeared(/been apprehended). Kristina tells Colin that that routine was smoking hot and wonders if that’s now “Mission Accomplished”. If the mission was to put Karen into a rage-enduced coma, then yes. Yes it was. Colin says he’s just glad he got through it, given his lack of training time. He then promises Darcey that he’ll be dirtier next week.
He’s doing the salsa as Swamp Thing! Scores are in
Dolly Parton & THE MAN dancing the quickstep
Erin seriously channelling Sigourney Weaver in “Working Girl” there. Unlike Kristina, who has just been chanelling “Working Girl” generally, all evening. As Bruce announces them, Richard goes in for a kiss.
DENIED! Seriously, I’m not usually one for the “he’s just pretending to be gay so he can touch girls boobs” school of thought, but he is all over her like Bruno on disco dust. Bruce tells us that, as a gay, Richard is a big old gossip. You know who else is a gossip?
Tess. The surprises just keep on mounting up don’t they? They’re talking about Victoria. You can just TELL.
VT time now, and Ricahrd says that when it came time to do his cha cha walks, he looked at the judges, and they were like
this. What, wearing an ill-advised chunky knit? I wish. You can tell Darcey wants to just turn up in her mucking-out clothes every week. We’re reminded that Craig and Len hated Richard’s cha cha because it was too camp, and so did the public as he ended up in the Bottom Two. Blah blah, dance-off, blah, he got saved over Johnny Ball, well done. He says that the only way from here is up. Or sideways. Mostly sideways.
Training now, and Richard grins that he’s doing quickstep to one of his all-time favourite songs, which is “Bitches Aint Shit” by Dr Dr…oh no, wait
it’s “9 To 5” by Dolly Parton. NOT CAMP ENOUGH! He tells us he’s going to be playing the role Dolly herself played in the movie.
It’s uncanny isn’t it? I have to say, the lack of dressing-up in this routine really OFFENDS me. If you’re not going to give Richard the bubble wig and strap-on falsies, at least give Erin the moustache. Then again, this happens and…
no. Richard exclaims that he’s halfway to being Dolly! Richard -you’re about 90% of the way to being Jimmy Saville, maybe reconsider?
Richard tells us that he’s really, really tired this week, and he wants to show Erin why, as though Erin gives a damn. She already hasn’t bothered to record one solitary talking head for this VT. He drags her to Daybreak at 6 in the morning and
she looks like she wants to stab him. Backstage at Daybreak is very different from what I was expecting, I have to say. I was anticipating more crying, and people in cages, and suicide attempts.
To the dancefloor!
It’s Murder She Wrote! Or, indeed, danced. This, along with some imaginary coffee-pouring, and some very bitchy
80s power strutting are Erin’s sole submissions to the notion of “staging” before what she always does at this stage of the competition.
100% Bland Erin Ballroom. You know the drill by now – bouncy, impeccably tasteful, well danced, definitively Erin. At the end he
hurls one of Erin’s files at her. EMANCIPATION! Or something.
Over to the judges they dream of a better life, as Bruce says he’s no judge, but he thought that was marvellous. Richard gushes that Bruce is always so generous and that was quite an experience and it reminds him of the time etc etc. Sadly somewhere in the middle of this waffle, Bruce has thrown to Len, who OF COURSE growls “so sorry for interrupting you
NO REALLY, I APOLOGISE”. Such a grumpy old man this series. He tells Richard his quickstep wouldn’t get a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame but was bright and lively. Albeit a little bit mincy. Would that really not get a star on the Walk Of Fame? Don’t they let more or less anybody on it these days? I hear that girl detective from the Haribo adverts got inaugurated the other week. “SIGN THE FESSION!”. Classic Hollywood, that. Anyway, it was am Erin Quickstep so Len liked it. Bruno’s next and says he was expecting a full-on Dollywood EXTRAVAGANZA, because we all know, the Gaysplosion treatment worked so well for him last week. Erin smiles “no, no” and then
gives Bruno a look to indicate she’s going to ignore everything he says from here on out.
Craig is next and says that he didn’t mind it, actually. OH, the romance OF THE SERIES is back on. Can’t wait for he and Richard to move into a winnebago together and write a play. Maybe a sequel to Cats? Anyway, Richard had nice use of the floor and some nimble footwork, well done. Meanwhile, up on the Tessanine, Sid is still in a
joyous mood with the world. Darcey closes by telling Richard that that was his best dance so far! What…you mean better than what he did last week?! NO!!!! Too much weight on his heels, but otherwise, lovely footwork.
Up to the Tessanine they climb up the boss man’s ladder, as Bruce announces “Well done Erin!…well, and Richard…”. Sounds about right. Once there Tess, congratulates Richard on his best dance yet. He jokes that Erin told him that the quickstep is all about sticking out in front! Which is great, because Dolly has a higher centre of gravity than he does! He’s talking about her boobs!
Erin’s laugh is like passing kidney stones at this point. The poor woman’s spent. The kissing, the awful one-liners, the constant mixed messages from the judges…Maybe we should just let her retire gracefully to Erin Island forever. It’s been 10 years now. She’s earnt it. Richard carries on, talking about the “Strictly Gang” who are so amazing and supportive and attentive as
Jerry chases a Malteaser she’s dropped under a sofa. Something, something, Anton’s Spanx, the scores are in
Oh and in Natalie & Michael’s continuing Adventures In Maturity
she flips Brenda’s silly hat off as Tess reads out Richard’s number. Brenda gets really pouty about it as well. Excellent.
Dorothy Gale & The Wizard of Odd dancing the foxtrot
Earlier in the evening we saw the showman side of Judy Garland. Now we get the lush. Later, Lisa’s going to marry Robin, to complete the trifecta. Bruce jokes that Tracy really is a big fan of his. Or at least she was. Before the…inappropriateness. He then makes a “joke” about how she has a bowl at home with his face on, which her dog eats out of. Ha ha ha. (…)
VT time, and we’re reminded that Tracy’s salsa last week was a positive TRIUMPH!
Apart from this bit, which we’d all really rather forget, let’s be honest. I got out of a taxi like that once.
And also like that. Oh the boyfriends I’ve had…
Tracy says that she’s really pleased, because she got a 7, and that’s all she really wanted out of the entire series. Here is a comprehensive list of everyone who went on Strictly, did more than one dance, and never got a 7.
I’m not saying she’s sat a really LOW bar for herself to clear but…I totally am. Even Widdy got one.
Training now, and Tracy says that she’s really excited this week, because The Wizard Of Oz is one of her all-time favourite films, and this week she’ll be dancing to “Over The Rainbow”. Is she going to fly off on a giant silver moon at the end? If not, I’m not interested. Vincent for his part is dressing in tribute to another mysterious mogul who spent years behind the curtain, pulling strings, and when it was pulled back, the truth was none-too-impressive.
Our storyline for Tracy this week is that she hates shoes. More specifically, her ballroom shoes, which are giving her the right pinch. SHE’S IN AGONY! I take it all back Denise, “mild whiplash” is still more daunting than “pinchy shoes”. Especially as that didn’t degenerate into
“comedy” so quickly. My favourite part is that Tracy decides to make the Wizard Of Oz legend about “a handsome man” giving Dorothy the magic shoes as opposed to her, say, smashing her house into some bitch’s face. Anyway, this is all very well Tracy but be warned – if Bruce says he’s got something in a shoebox he wants to show you backstage, JUST SAY NO.
Out to the ballroom and
I can’t believe nobody did a last-gasp slap-dash job of making them up as munchkins. Nobody’s even mentioned how short they are yet this week! What’s going on?! Here’s Tracy
sat, looking wistfully, up at the moon, like she’s just got home at 3am and found herself locked out of her house. So emotional. They are, of course, dancing to the Eva Cassidy arrangement of Over The Rainbow, as there is no other version officially in existence, except maybe that ukulele. It’s a very dainty
foxtrot, as Tracy just doesn’t have the limbs to do elegant, but it’s very sweet, and Vincent has packed a lot in, as he is wont to do. The ankle tattoes she has do slightly…off-set the effect of the dance. Although I can’t really make them out, so there’s always the chance she loved The Wizard Of Oz SO MUCH that she got Glinda carved into her calves. Then at the end
a dog runs on. I’m not sure why. Effing Dog Propaganda. I would have preferred if some winged monkeys had descended and pulled Craig’s head off. But I’m gruesome like that.
Anyway, Tracy hauls the dog over to the judges, and once more, the entire judging process gets focused on one little black furry mass, snuggling its way under the judges table.
You know, just like when Arlene was here and Austin danced. Bruno starts, grinning that “friends of Dorothy are going to be so pleased!”
By which he means himself. Of course. It was very pretty, romantic and sweet and she really linked her lines. Craig said he loved the routine but she’s still looking at the floor too much, Darcey says it was very smooth, Len thinks she’ll definitely be back next week…
oh let’s just all gawp at the dog, FINE.
Up to the Tessanine they weigh their pies and
yup, more cute dog stuff. Scores are in
As a brief interstitial, Bruce tells Tracy that he’s cleaned up after Toto for her. He holds up a little sack of poo. He then hurls this sack of poo at Bruno, who hurls it at Len, who hurls it at Craig, who hurls it into the audience. I haven’t seen this much laboured throwing around of a bag of shite since Bacofoil Snowdance.
Dick Chasey & Braless Mahoney dancing the jive
Bruce says that Lisa has had a great start to the series, and wonders if she can keep it up. He thinks she can. THANKS BRUCE!
VT time, and Lisa says that her Viennese Waltz last week was like a fairytale. When she heard that clock go “boing”, she really felt like Cinderella at the ball, having to leave her prince. I presume this week was be a follow-up, where Cinderella follows her Prince to a dive bar and…finds out something she might not have expected. We’re reminded that the judges criticised her for trying to lead Robin around, and Lisa protests that she’s an actress, so of course she wants to be a leading lady, and Robin himself says that sometimes he needs a bit of a
Training now and Lisa says that her movie this week is
Dick Tracy. I’m guessing that’s the poster from before they put Warren Beatty’s make-up on? They both talk up how fast and furious the jive is, and Lisa says that she has never danced this fast in her entire life. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything as fast as Lisa’s about to do this jive, apart from possibly dive for the remote when Bloody Lulu started singing last year. She goes on to say that the dance is very cheeky JUST LIKE HER, which she demonstrates by flicking water at Robin whilst he
squeals like a 6 year old. Obviously not used to people spraying all over his abdomen…
Lisa clarifies for anybody watching who hasn’t seen the film (which will be everyone) that she’ll be taking the Madonna part, which was that of a gangster’s moll, who falls for Dick Tracy, then double crosses him with a hankie over her face. Or something. God that film was awful.
To the dancefloor!
I’d say Robin should be wearing Dick’s signature yellow trenchcoat but I’m sure that would only make the routine even more…classy looking than it already does. The music starts up and it turns out they’re doing their jive to “Hanky Panky”. Really, at its core, it’s really their cha-cha souped up with more spanking action and hand-jiving, which I guess is fine if you wanted to see their cha-cha again, but I’ve got youtube so…
The whole thing is very fast and furious and explosive, but the kicks lack
bounce, her face looks pretty
mechanical and flat throughout (I guess she IS paying tribute to Maddona’s acting…) and Robin nearly Ian Waites himself at least twice. By which I mean he almost falls on his arse because his shoes are too shiny. He doesn’t produce impeccable ballroom and then GET FIRED FOR NO REASON. Ahem. It’s a fun enough routine though and
you always have to appreciate a good role-reversal leapfrog. Also at the end
fireworks shoot out of her arse. Respect.
It gets a standing ovation and when they reach the judges, Bruce yells “YOU’RE SO LIGHT! SO LIGHT! YOU’RE SO LIGHT ON YOUR FEET!” as Lisa’s face wills him not to
overdo it. Presumably she’s never seen this show before? Bruce couldn’t NOT overdo it unless he was chloroformed.
Craig starts for the judges, and tells Lisa that he gets very excited when he watches her dance. Very excited indeed. I love how people act like Craig is really hard to please, when all you really have to do is come out and put on a great big theatrical gang-show with as much tits n teeth as possible. And as the show panders to him more and more he gets more and more easy to please. Darcey’s next and she tells Lisa that she never fails to entertain her. It was fabulous, but she was sadly missing the spring and the bounce in that jive.
Can you blame her Darcey? After last week’s bra related mishap, she probably worried that if she tried to bounce, she’d bash a hole in the ceiling. A rogue boob in that leapfrog, and Robin could have been deprived of the ability to ever father children, which I’m sure is a thought that troubles him deeply.
Len’s next, and he calls Lisa a “great big bundle of joy” with plenty of hanky panky going on. She captured the spirit of the jive, if not always the technique and he thinks she’s a real goer. Meaningful praise as ever from Len. We close on Bruno and let’s face it, if a routine based around spanking, early 90s Madonna, plastic hats and ill-advised use of fish-net was designed for anyone, it was designed for
Bruno. He loved how SPUNKY it was, yes he did. It had vibrancy, vitality, and lightness. He loved watching her, and finds her to be a breath of fresh air. Yes, what this week has really been missing so far is hammy camp.
Up to the Tessanine they dingle, with Tess cooing “CHEEKY, CHEEKY GIRL!”. No Tess, they’ll be on next series. CHEEKIEZ VS JORDANZZZZZZZZZZ….. She asks Lisa how much fun that routine was, and she says it was a lot of fun and she really enjoyed every bit of it. Craig’s being so kind! It’s all such a lark! She never expected her thighs to be displayed quite so prominently on British television! Meanwhile both Natalie and Jerry
lounge up against Michael like he’s some sort of cricket-pimp. Scores are in
29. You can hear Bruno muttering “Nasty Darcey” the whole time. It’s amazing.
The Grinch-Pimp & Karen Hauer dancing the quickstep
I like how they’ve given The Mask sexy-stubble. Because that was what Jim Carrey was all about in that film – machismo and sex appeal. Bruce tells us that Nicky has now received harsh comments from the judges two weeks in a row, but he hopes that his quickstep will be third time lucky. I’m thinking Karen probably has more riding on this than Nicky does, Bruce.
VT now and we’re treated to Nick’s story of what went wrong last week, which went something like this :
“The audience were clapping for me so loudly that I couldn’t hear the music start which spontaneously caused me to ditch Karen’s choreography (which consisted of lots of cha-cha content, some spins and some Michael Jackson moves) and then I just did some silly boyband moves instead on the fly to the beat”.
Karen breaks in to say that this
wasn’t a moment of sexual connection, oh no, it was her grabbing him by the face and dragging him round. She praises Nicky for saving the routine, after the audience nearly scuppered it with their applause.
Training now, and it’s time for Nicky to prepare himself for his routine, which will be inspired by The Mask. It is at this point it is sadly revealed the state of the BBCs make-up budget as
Karen has to do it herself. This takes all week, leaving him no time to train, OH WELL. Even then the result is a bit more
HULK SMASH than The Mask. To be fair, he does usually dance like he’s just received a hefty dose of gamma radiation. We close on Nicky saying that this competition is starting to feel like a fight, and whilst he promises not to actually punch anyone, he still feels like he needs to win. One week at a time, eh?
To the dancefloor now and
bejesus, there’s more shading going on with that jaw-line than Boy George. It’s alright Nicky, you’ve got a chin, you’re not Michael. Anyway, the parps of that music what was in The Mask starts up and what follows up is all energy and no technique.
I mean…we’ve just had Lisa and I’m saying that. The knees are bent, the dancing is kind of purposeless and
the less said about this bit the better. It doesn’t look like he’s kissing a sexy lady, it looks like he’s hoovering up Wotsit dust off a carpet. Oh and as we’re talking about Lisa, the show’s inability to harness her boobs are nothing compared to their complete failure to harness the
big no-no. He’s practically wearing wading trousers, and it’s still flying around. I think it probably did more dancing about in this routine than Jerry Hall has in three weeks. I like the energy, I like the lack of hip-hop moves, and I hope this was the kickstart his sputtering motor needs to get moving, but I never ever want to watch it again. It ends with Karen
being flung to the floor and Nicky sibilating
“SMOKIN’!” down the camera-lens, which I guess is appropriate, in terms of “things that are potentially hazardous to your health” go.
Over to the judges they smoke, where Darcey starts by saying that she loved the energy, appreciated his lack of nerves, and that it was SO MUCH BETTER THAN LAST WEEK. (*drink*). Sadly she thought there was a bit too much bounce in his shoulders. IN HIS SHOULDERS? What about in his blinkin’ crotch? Len follows by by telling “Mr Westlife” that last week was “No Life” but this week was “Full Of Life”. Such a shame he never straightened his legs.
How many more “life” related comments do we think Len has? The Good Life? Afterlife? Lowlife? Wildlife? Oh crap, there are loads aren’t there… *prepares medication*
Bruno’s next and it’s amateur psychology hour behind the judges desk, as Bruno has decided that Nicky performed so well because he was wearing a mask. Well…he had one drawn on. I can’t wait for all the other celebrities to start scribbling on their faces for extra marks. I’m sure James will send Denise out one week with a Hitler tache, in the name of BANTER. He liked Nicky’s new confidence, and how he led the dance. Craig finishes by saying that Nicky is starting to win him over. Yellow trousers do…display much better don’t they Craig? He did like the movement, but the dance really did look more like a tango because of the knees. Bruce then commiserates with Nicky over not being able to straighten his legs.
He personally hasn’t done it since 1983.
Up to the Tessanine they machuko where Tess tells Nicky that he
really came out fighting. The thought that Tess would fight with her fists is hilarious. We all know she’s a biter. Nicky says it was a real buzz, and the fact that he was wearing a mask (/had scribble on his face) really helped. Karen then looks deeply into Nicky’s eyes and says she’s
so proud of him. Well, she’s trying, bless her. He says exactly nothing complimentary back. Then again, she is in the middle of calling that routine “a blessing” so maybe he thinks enough praise is going on in this segment. Americans, eh? Scores are in
Johnny & Baby dancing the SALSAMBCHAMBO
Bruce tells us that Louis & Flavia this week will be dancing to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” from Dirty Dancing. Good grief, how many times do we need that dance hauled out on this show? I know it’s THE dance movie of this show’s demographic, but other things happened in the 80s you know? Also this is the third dance in a row without a Brucie joke. I think the autocue must have fallen over. Either that or they have a special “Emergency File” of intros for when the show’s running over, and we can’t waste time on Brucie doing accidental pratfalls and whittering on about how he’s almost dead and women find him hideous.
In his VT, Louis says that he’s so pleased that Len of all people praised his Viennese Waltz last week. SO pleased that he’s almost forgiven Flavia for making him dance it to “Puppy Love”.
Almost. Let’s see the wild celebrations that followed Louis finishing top of the leaderboard for the week.
OH MY GOD, HE’S OUT OF CONTROL. Imagine, if you can, Flavia at the same time making a noise like a two-year old just blew out its first ever birthday candles. WILD SCENES.
Training now and
mercifully, this is as close as Louis is getting to a comedy VT. Even here he looks more like an off-duty lifeguard than a Hollywood director. Flavia is very excited to be doing an iconic (*drink*) routine from Dirty Dancing, but Louis confesses that he’s never seen it. Me either Louis.
Flavia of course is OUTRAGED, because as a dancer born in the 1970s, Dirty Dancing was her inspiration. She says she is determined to “educate” (LOL) Louis as to the magic of the True Sacred Text of Modern Ballroom. Patrick Swayze is the father, Jennifer Grey is the son, and that one what gets an abortion is the Holy Ghost. Look as a teaching aid, she’s even got her
melons out. Well…it worked with Jimi, anyway.
Eventually she forces Louis into watching the film, and as such he learns that the only bit anybody really cares about is the damned lift, so why not practice it everywhere?
That is the least comfortable gratuitous shirtlessness I’ve ever seen on this show. Is anybody getting off on th…actually, don’t answer that. Louis closes by saying that the lift could make or break the routine. And it could make or break him. Flavia of course, is made of steel, and could never be broken.
To the dance-floor!
Shall we just skip to the bit everyone came to see?
WHADDALIF…oh, wait, that’s not the one? Whatever, I’ve not seen the bloody film.
There we go. The in-between bits are a lot of wiggly, bobby, mambo sort of moves that are apparently more or less exactly the same as the routine from the film, except without the bits where Jerry Orbach goes “WHY, I OUGHTTA!”. It’s not really Dirty Dancing, not yet, but let’s spare the rampant frottage for a bit later in the competition yes? Don’t want the nation’s ovaries to be ground down to powder before we’ve even hit Famous TV Lesbians Week, orwhatever the new producers have in store.
It gets a standing ovation, because it’s DIRTY DANCING. Remember the hysteria when Jennifer Grey actually TURNED UP IN PERSON? We non-dance bods remained mystified, but in the studio it was like The Beatles had transformed together into some sort of Moptop Megazord, such was the mania. Even Nancy’s on her feet, and we all know that usually took a pallette-truck, lots of lubricant, and a promise of a semi-naked man whilst up there.
Len starts for the judges
and he’s got his pencil out, so get ready for some hot “GEDDIN ON MAH WICK!” action. He thought Louis did the lift very well, but he felt the salsa itself lacked attack. It was too timid, and not oily enough for him.
Louis gets his best puppy-face ready, but he needn’t bother, because the audience are heckling up enough of a storm without it. Bruno follows, and says he thought Louis was very smooth indeed. The audience cheer like he just kicked Jeremy Hunt. Up on the Tessanine everyone goes wild.
Apart from Sid obviously, who is still smarting. Bruno loved how it was exactly the same as the dance from the film, because he’s conservative like that.
Craig follows by saying “Contained, Simmering, Understated”. Yes yes, that’s enough about your down-belows Craig, what about the dance?
He goes on to say that he loved Louis’ hip-rotations and the whole thing was fantastic. Darcey closes by saying that she saw a spark of emotion lit between himself and Flavia, which she hopes will catch light and set fire to Flavia’s nylons. At some point. She says she’d like Louis to go to a nightclub though, and learn to be freer. Bruno acts like this is some sort of invitation on her part when…can you imagine Darcey in a nightclub? You’d have to Febreeze first. Maybe put some curtains up. Anyway, Bruno continues taking the piss
until Darcey yells “SHUT UP BRUNO!” at him. How I wish they’d been sat together. She needs loosening up, and she’s not getting it from Craig’s fawning and Len’s poo-faces every time she opens her trap.
Up to the Tessanine, and Tess asks the question we’ve all been dying to have answered : “would you rather go clubbing with Darcey or Bruno?”. He says
“both!”. See, there’s that one answered – he’s bisexual. Oh…was that not what she was asking? Tess then goes on to ask Louis if his inner performer is coming out, and he says that yes, it is. If not his inner question-answerer. Flavia goes on to continue to explete over the fact that Louis has never seen Dirty Dancing, and everybody starts to boo him. He protests that he’s seen clips on the Internet! That should be enough! It really should.
We close on Tess discussing That Lift, and Louis tells us all that Flavia had to have special non-slip fabric put into her dress to make sure it all went ok. What was that about clubbing with Darcey or Bruno? Scores are in
Final Hollywood Clapperboard?
THAT’S ALL FOLKS!