Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Week 1 Performance (2)

Home of the GREATEST WEEK ONE CHA-CHA IN THE HISTORY OF STRICTLY COME DANCING!

(Also home of faint praise)

Last night, 6 celebrities STRICTLIFIED THE NATION (Dear new producers : stop trying to make “strictlified” happen. It’s not going to happen). Fartem wafted, Nicky squatted, Colin minced, Michael winced, Denise convinced, and Pendleton BROKE THE FUCK DOWN. Tonight, everybody else has a go. BUT FIRST!

OOOH VAL

“Wot you doin’ this weekend Val?”
“Wew Ange, I’ll mostly be flicking my bean to Artem Chigvintsev on Strictly Come Dancing!”
“Oh not that old rubbish again, I haven’t watched since AUSTIN WUZZ ROBBED!”
“I know dear, you won’t stop bloody going on about it, it was four years ago now, get over it”
“I’LL NEVER GET OVER IT!” *smashes Val in the face with flowers*

Nah

“Strictly’s on this weekend, let’s make sure to watch it!”
“Nah, it’s for poofs”

Filth

“Who’s your favourite then?”
“My favourite will be Richard Arnold, he touches me in places that no other man can reach”
*deathly silence*

BBC LIES

“Ooooh, that Strictly were reet good last night weren’t it?”
“What are you talking about, it wasn’t on last night. It’s Wednesday. Are you talking about Great British Bake Off?”
“No love, they’re filming us to air during the show, we just have to pretend that we’ve just watched it, to preserve the BBC LIES”
“Oh, ok, erm…oooh Nicky from Westlife was amazing wasn’t he, a right piece of dancing boyband totty, I love him”

WAWNUTS

“So who’s going to win this year?”
“SPORTSPERSON, DEFINITELY”
“I can’t believe I married Len Goodman’s daughter”
“Whatever, you love the way I pickuw your wawnuts”

STAYT

“Blah blah blah blah blah blah fatuous ill-informed smarmy tripe blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah”
“God I hate you, Charlie”

YIS OI YAM

“Don’t tell me what to do, YOU AINT MY MUVVAH!”
“………YES I YAM!”

BLOODY WESTSHITE

“Westlife were so crap, like, it was just the same song over and over and over again. Boring verse, soppy chorus, boring verse, soppy chorus, KEY CHANGE, stand up from stools, soppy chorus the end. Where’s the artistry, where’s the pinache? And they were all gay. Makes sense that that boring blonde one on the back has desperately tried to revive his non-existant career by going on Strictly Come Dancing. I bet he wins just because all those tragic saggy middle-aged women will vote for him to win with their ovaries, when he won’t even be very good. Really I think he looks a bit rodenty”
“Hi ladies…”

SNAZZLE

“SNAUSAGES!”

Well, that’s what the public think, let’s get ON WITH THE SHOW.

CREDITS TIME!

VAG

And time for a round of “Name That Vag”. I’ll give you some time to guess………….go on……got an answer?…

A : Anton du Beke

It’s time for our opening dance of the night. If you didn’t get enough cinema verite from the opening credits, then the show has even more slices of Strictly life to show you.

HOI!

“Hi Kristina! I’ve come to borrow a tampon! Got any spare?”
“For you Natalie? Always.”

*wink*

All the backstage gossip, on this blog only. Also

Oy vey

Simon Amstell’s fallen a long way since Grandma’s House got cancelled hasn’t he?

Of course, all this is a mere preamble to the main event, our first official Pro Dance of the series. We cut to

WOOOOO

Natalie HAVING A MENTAL and re-enacting Black Swan in her dressing room. Nice to know that Brenda gets dressed with the girls by the way. We pan out swiftly, revealing the rest of the dance, which happens entirely in Natalie’s fevered head. It contains

Vwoof

Kristina airing out her crotch

FUGFUGFUG

Artem & Karen making wild, passionate, mid-air love

FLOMP

Ola being thrown 10,000 ft out of a plane, killing James as she lands

Whip wippity whoop

Natalie dancing side-by-side with her best buddy in ballroom Erin

Wheeeeeeeeeee

and Flavia doing yogic flying.

This all takes place in front of a neon set of park railings, as Pixie Lott sings “It’s All About Tonight”. Now, I’m more of a Jungian than a Freudian, so dream analysis isn’t really my bag. What we really need is a fully-qualified therapist to navigate us through Natalie’s dark tormented psyche. What can it MEAN, Dr Hamela?

BOOOBS

BEWBS!

Thanks Dr Hammie.

THE END

As everyone squirrels themselves away back into Natalie Lowe’s hippocampus, it’s time for Bruce and Tess to emerge.

*burns cross*

Yup, she’s come dressed as a KKK hood. Brucie does the Velociraptor dance over to her, and they fist-bump again, which I guess means that’s their thing now, and I’ve lost a major source of crotch-related jokes. For shame. We rattle through “nice to see you, to see you NICE” and Tess turns to Bruce and tells him that he looks a bit flustered.

Eh?

I know Tess, it’s because he’s trying to read the autocue. Maybe they should project his script onto Tracy Beaker’s boobs. That might help him focus.

Bruce says that he’s flustered because his wife has started to read that new book “50 Shades Of Grey”. I know Bruce, women reading. It’s a cause for concern isn’t it? Apparently once she’d read the first chapter, she couldn’t control herself, and started chasing him round the room

OUCH

shouting “WHY DID YOU BUY ME THIS SHIT? 100 YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND THIS IS THE RUBBISH YOU BUY ME? YOU’RE A SODDING MILLIONNAIRE, BUY ME A YACHT”. Poor Wilnelia. Nice to see jokes about porn on this family show. Can’t wait for Porn Week and for Lisa & Robin to do a routine inspired by Debbie Does Dallas. Incidentally, the author of 50 Shades Of Grey is actually in the audience, so the joke is doubly pertinant.

*cackle*

Hi Mad Anita. Fun Fact : 50 Shades Of Grey is in fact about her time spent partnering Robin Windsor on this very show.

Tess reminds us that 6 celebrities shimmied across the dancefloor last night and they get to relax tonight (not Victoria Tess, not ever) because it’s time for the other 8 to open themselves up for humiliation. AND HERE THEY COME NOW!

mmmm

MMM, smells like coconuts.

Once everyone’s out, Bruce tells all the women that they look stunning. The men…not so much (SORT THE HAIR OUT PASHA). He does tell them though, that this is the only place on Earth where lycra, sequins, and fake tan make you a “real man”. And given that Bruce himself isn’t wearing any of the above, I’m guessing that makes him a raging bender. BACKS AGAINST THE WALLS, AND DON’T DROP THE SOAP.

Bruce tells Robin that he simply MUST get one of Robin’s vests.

GA GA OOH LA LA

Yes, that would be a flattering look. I can just see Bruce down G-A-Y raving it up to Lady Gaga in one of those. Bruce asks Lisa if “it tickles when Robin dances close to you”. Don’t embarrass the poor guy Bruce, he can’t control his all-consuming lust for Dingle. Downstairs things are going to happen. Lisa replies that it does tickle, but it’s a “Tickle Of The Fantastic”. Well that’s going in Robin’s grindr profile.

Tess reminds us that this week is all about the dancing (so as to distinguish it from every other week on the show). There’s no public vote, and no DREADED DANCE-OFF. I will spend the next week deep-breathing in anticipation of that load of old bollocks coming back. Also, for all of us THOOPAFANS out here at the hardcore end of the Strictly fandom, we’ve got a past finallist up in Starship Karen to tell us all what he thinks.

Oh...hi...

Yeah, I’ll pass thanks. We’ll be halfway through Merlin before he’s finished talking about the first dance. (“Well really I think it’s very symbolic that Kimberley Walsh is dancing to Domino, because I feel that, in life, we are each of us like a domino. We’re all marked up differently, and we all have different values, but when shoved by life’s misfortunes, we all ultimately rise and fall together in unison. And if you can find someone of similar values to yourself, and you lie down together, you will make a perfect matching pair. And that goes for both dance and life. When Kristina and myself danced the cha cha it was in Week One, which was a very exciting week for both of us, as…” *Karen throws herself out of window*). Tess tells us that if we want to hear Karen & Donobot’s “witty banter”, we should press the red button.

The red button that releases the MDMA?

Kimberley Walsh & Pasha Kovalev dancing the cha cha

KIMBERLEY!

Bruce tells us that, in order to raise money for Comin Relief, Kimberley Walsh hiked up Mount Kilimanjaro. With past Strictly winner and judge Alesha Dixon no less. Bruce doesn’t mention that bit, but then again, getting dumped is never nice. Oh and future Strictly third-placer Denise was there as well. The excitement. Apparently Kimberley asked Bruce if he fancied taking her up Kilimanjaro himself, but then Bruce got confused and went a bit funny and they had to fetch the nurse.

NURSE!

The audience all giggle about Bruce’s doddery old facade and then he starts mumbling on about how cruel it is to mock the elderly. Fun too.

VT time now, and in it we’re told that Kimberley has been performing since a very early age. Here she is at stage school.

DRAMA!

I think she was personally tutored by Dr Hamela herself. However, it wasn’t until 2002 that her childhood dreams of becoming a STAH (/the one at the back of a girl group) came true, when she won Popstars : The Rivals with the rest of Girls Aloud, having been in the Bottom Two EVERY WEEK. Such a star. Here’s a shot of Kimberley winning :

omg

Don’t get used to it. Kimberley waxes nostalgic, saying it was ten years ago now that she started with Girls Aloud, and look at them now! Still going strong (/on hiatus for two years and all hating one another)! Kimberley says being in Girls Aloud is so much fun. From what she can remember.

Here is

Hiya pash

Pasha. He reminds us that he and Chelsee Healey finished second last year, so he was hoping to go just one place better this year. Which rather begs the question “then what?”. I don’t think anyone has finished in zero position before. Unless you count Gary Rhodes. Kimberley says she feels very lucky to have got Pasha, and Pasha says he is so excited to be partnered with Kimberley. So excited that he would like to start RIGHT NOW. Except he says it in “Pasha acting” voice, so it comes out making no sense whatsoever.

Let's go!

Seriously, look at his ickle face. It’s hardly Brando is it?

In training, the key theme is that Kimberley is that a hellish perfectionist who will accept nothing but the best from herself, and is constantly restarting the routine to make sure she gets it perfect.

Grrrrr

Seriously, look at that face. It’s no wonder that she was Girls Aloud’s de facto manager. You wouldn’t even try to swindle that face out of her cut of merchandise sales would you? She’d have your bollocks off. Pasha says that the biggest problem with Kimberley is that she judges herself, and that’s his job. Mmm, yes Pasha, I’m sure youre the hardest of all judges. They should put you on the judging panel instead of Craig. Except instead of scores, your paddles would have “let’s be friends!” on them, and you’d wave them about grinning all the time. Dressed as a hedgehog.

Anyway, not a lot really happens in training so

GINGER!

here’s The Ginger One to lend her support(/fill time). Kimberley tells us that Nicola is here to make sure that Kimberley isn’t going to shame the band with her awful dancing. Yeah, I’m sure that’s Nicola’s job. I’m sure it’s not Kimberley jetting round the world, slapping Sarah Harding on the wrist and barking “THIS PHOTOSHOOT IS NOT CONSISTENT WITH THE GIRLS ALOUD BRAND! THE GIRLS ALOUD BRAND IS FLIRTY, FUN, GIRL NEXT DOOR, NOT CHEAP TRASHY CARNIVAL WHORE. I WILL NOT HAVE IT!”. At all.

To the dancefloor now and

DOMINOOOOS

LOOK, IT’S SOME DOMINOS, BECAUSE THEY ARE DANCING TO DOMINO, BY JESSIE J. They keep on falling down and getting back up during the routine, without benefit of human hand, so it kind of looks like they’re possessed. It’s also odd to hear a Jessie J song being sung live by a person who isn’t Jessie J. It’s like someone’s doing the song as written, without adding random lizard, machine gun, and kung-fu noises.

Anyway, erm, the dance? Welcome to the world of boring week 1 cha-chas. Lots of

Whheeeee
WOOOOO
yeahhhhh

back-bends and struts and greasy-legged crossovers and a random splits. It’s the sort of dance where, if you were already well disposed towards Kimberley you’ll be yelling “OMG SO FIERCE AND SEXY, KIMBER!” in order to gear yourself up for the series as a whole, and if you’re indifferent then…you will remain indifferent. In neither case will you remember this dance next week. Just think, Holly Valance had two weeks in a row of this last year, because they messed up the dance-order! It’s a wonder she survived to be the FORCE OF PERSONALITY she ultimately turned out to be.

Kimberley? She’s alright. Everything’s done competently enough, and she and Pasha have a nice spark to them on the floor. She’s a little wobbly, and she needs to project more personality in general, but it’s a good start. Whatever it was. I’ve forgotten it already.

Up on the Tessanine, everyone cheers, apart from this poor woman.

What is this?

She’s thinking “where am I? I just walking about Siberia minding own business, and suddenly all goes dark and I find myself in shipping crate. Then I pass out, and when I wake up, I on UK dancing show, dressed up as some woman I never met with bad ginger dye-job and clothes that all smell of custard. I am scared, but I cannot show emotion, because then they will hurt me. Maybe this man is my husband now. Do not react Iveta, you will survive this”.

Or similar.

The dance? Gets a standing ovation because…well you tip your waiter if he’s pretty regardless of how nice the food was, don’t you? Once Kimberley and Pasha are over at the judges, it’s time to introduce our judges. Who are, according to Bruce, an international bunch. Craig was born in Australia, and now lives in London. Darcey was born in London, and now lives in Australia. Len was born in London, and never went anywhere else because it all scares him. And Bruno was born in the wagon of a travelling show, his mamma used to dance for the money they’d throw.

Len starts for the judges, but a bit before Bruce is ready, by saying “Kimberley…”. Of course, because it’s before Bruce is ready, he can’t just go with it, he has to snap “WHAT?!”. To which Len replies “I said Kimberley, because that’s her name”.

haha

BURN!

He tells Kimberley he’s going to name her “Nimble Kimble”.

LOL

Isn’t that The Fugitive? Pasha asks if this is a good thing. Oh Pasha, it’s a Bloody Len nickname. It’s never a good thing. The dance? Clean, and precise, like a laproscopy. Her legs needed to be a little bit stronger, but other than that WEW DONE. He also tells that one can’t win Strictly Come Dancing in Week 1, but you can certainly make a good impression. Or alternatively, just say the same old crap you always say, and bore the tits off everyone. It’s up to you.

Bruno’s next, and he tells Kimberley that she really knows how to sell it. That’s right Bruno – £10 for a small t-shirt, £15 for a medium, £20 for a large, and £8.99 for an official Girls Aloud Baby-Grow. She gets 30% of takings and if you try to swindle her, SHE WILL CUT YOU. It was glossy, and had plenty of “titilating sexy chic”.

SEXY CHIC

Titilating Sexy Chic is the new fragrance for men, by Bruno. Available in all London underground stations now.

He agrees with Len about the legs though.

Craig follows, and tells us all that he’s in a better mood than last night. Good to know he’s letting his hormones affect his supposedly objective judging. And people said Arlene was bad (because she was). He’s glad that finally someone with dance talent has turned up (unlike that Denise, all she can do is sit on a chair, honest) and he thought the whole thing was incandescent. Darcey closes by saying

WOW

“WOW FACTOR!” a lot, and we all know how I feel about that, so let’s move on.

Move on up to the Tessanine, and

SHOVE

sorry Kimberley. She’ll have to be much closer to the balcony before you can get up the momentum to shove her off. Many have tried, none have succeeded. Tess says she certainly got the party started, and got a standing ovation, although Kimberley must be used to that from her day job. Presenting documentaries about jeans for Sky 3? Hardly. Kimberley says she felt very exposed without the other four girls to hide behind, but she tried to enjoy it, so hey ho. Tess asks Pasha if Kimberley’s everything he’s looked for in a partner, Pasha says yes, scores are in

YAY

28.

RICKAY & Ola Jordan dancing the waltz

Woot

I wonder how Ola feels, seven series in, and her best partner so far, technically, is Ricky Butcher. And people talk about Erin being screwed over… Sid apparently told Bruce that it’s a real relief to be on this show, rather than Eastenders. At least here he won’t find himself involved in a punch-up with some bloke who thinks Sid is after his wife.

Grrrrr

Bruce says “really Sid, have you met Ola’s husband? He is needlessly aggressive and a bit thick”. Or words to that comedic effect. Bruce tells us that they don’t call him “Jessie James Jordan” for nothing. That’s right. They don’t call James Jordan a Jessie for nothing. You heard it here first.

VT time now, and Tess says that Sid Owen has been a familiar face in Eastenders for more than 20 years.

Lo

Except when he looked like this. That’s not a terribly familiar face. Incidentally, you can expect to see Lisa dressed in that frock by Wardrobe in about three weeks time. Sid explains to us that in the 80s Eastenders was a huge show, getting over 20 million viewers (unlike now, when nobody’s even heard of it) so he was really excited to get the part, and to work alongside such soap legends as Mike Read, Mary The Punk, Rollie, Big Ron, and Jonathon Ross’ Mum.

This

Wooooo

is Ola Jordan, who tells us that she is a past Strictly Come Dancing champion, with Chris Hollins, the Charleston Hobbit. Sid tells us that when he heard he was confirmed for Strictly, the first thing he thought was “I want to be with Ola”. And he’s not Ann Widdecombe, so he couldn’t stomp, pout his feet, and refuse to sign on the dotted line until he was given the partner he wanted, so he had to trust the luck of the draw. Fortunately the Strictly Sorting Hat was kind, and sorted him into “Just Before Male Menopause, Probably Not Very Good” House. Of whom the Head is of course, Ola. Although for a man so into her he, too, has no idea how to say her name.

Happily, Ola gets her revenge in training when she hilariously “accidentally” calls Sid “Ricky”.

D'oh

OOPS! SO SORRY! Sid then throws a shoe at her head. I’m guessing Ola is used to that level of sophisticated humour from living with James. I can’t wait for her roaring rampage of revenge to continue. I hope she calls Tess “Toss”, and Bruce “You Stupid Old Fart”.

sproing!

“SHE SHOULD GET REVENGE ON JAMES AS WELL, BECAUSE HE’S ALWAYS GETTING HER NAME WRONG AS WELL! LIKE WHEN HE CRIES OUT “OH HAMELA!” WHILST THEY’RE HAVING SE…”

Back in your box Dr Hamela. That’s enough for one recap.

Anyway, Ola fusses over Sid’s elbows, he calls her a “taskmaster”, so far, so Ola.

Right down to when we get to the dance-floor and he’s

Ullo

unexpectedly not that bad? I have to admit that I hadn’t given the prospect of Sid being much cop much thought before this point because well…my thoughts regarding Sid Owen generally have been fairly limited. They’re dancing to that song that Jason Mraz did recently that ripped off Annie’s Theme. Seriously, is there any point to Jason Mraz any more? He’s not even fit now, unless you’re into really weird guys who hang around the beach at resort destinations all year round, making a living off of nicking gullible women’s purses after they’ve spent in the night in their beach hut. Anyway

Wheee

Sid done a nice waltz. Even if they did project emogirl82s poetry all over the dancefloor. Here, let’s have a read :

Davearch, Davearch
You took my heart
When it was parched
Filled me up
made me feel like a teen
then you ditched me
for her on tambourine

So beautiful.

The waltz is very elegant and understated and charming. He’s leading with his chin (poor Michael of course has this opition removed from him. IT’S SO UNFAIR FOR THE CHINLESS CELEBRITY) and Craig’s going to murder his hands with a chainsaw, but at least now I’m going to remember that Sid’s here.

Bawwwww

Over to the judges they go, where Bruce tells Sid that he really liked how he acted the dance. I do believe Bruce is touched. And not in the usual way I’d say that. Speaking of which, it is at this point we welcome Davearch, Lance Ellington, The Man In The Hat, Porn Star Tommy Blaze, and emogirl82.

Ullo

She’s so proud that her poem got performed on tv, somehow, even via the medium of Ola sticking her 4 inch heels into it.

We start with Bruno who is

ROWR

visibly tumescent. He was expecting a rugged thug, but instead he got an elegant, intense waltz. Chance would be a fine thing. It’s been ages since I’ve had a good rugged thugging. Oh, wait, he’s talking about RICKAY. Has Bruno ever watched Eastenders? Oh hang on, it doesn’t matter, because he’s about to talk about Sid’s “erection” :

Hahhahahaha

which by the look on Sid’s face, just came to its natural conclusion. Bruno then “clarifies” that he’s talking about Sid’s proud erect frame for the waltz then yells “OH SHAD AHHP!” at the audience like he’s in the Dick Emery Show. Oh Bruno, you are AWFUL. But I like you.

Craig follows, and says he broadly agrees with Bruno, but Sid had plonky arms and

HANDS

oh what a surprise, Craig didn’t like his hands. You know Arlene’s sat at home in her pjs still yelling “THAT’S MY BIT!” through a mouthful of popcorn. Can you imagine Arlene and Darcey on the same panel? Arlene would be all “go to a BALLET TEACHER!” and Darcey would just whip out her card. And then Arlene would say “go to someone who can teach you DRAMA!” and Evil Moira Ross would ascend from her fiery pit and go “YOU RANG?”. But great movement, and fantastic storytelling, Sid, well done. Darcey’s next and says she too liked the intensity, but he was turning with his shoulders, and he’s supposed to turn with his core.

Len closes, by telling Sid that he scrubs up well – he’s gone from Albert Square to Berkeley Square (30 minutes on the District Line, 15 minutes extra to allow for the DRAMA that occurs whenever anybody goes to a tube station in Eastenders). It started off a little dainty, but once he was in hold with Ola it had good movement and good posture. There was one awkward moment though – when he fell back on the whisk. That’s what that vicar said in A&E as well, Len, I wouldn’t believe it.

Up to the Tessanine they sprint, where Tuss dubs them the “Ricky & Bianca” of Strictly. How original these segments are going to be. And you thought that Ola’s last partner was under-developed, given that his entire personality as portrayed was “he has hair”. Ricky jokes “she’s got a trap like Bianca”

TRAP

She’s got the trap like Bianca, she’s got the trap like Bianca, she’s got the tra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ap like Bianca. Sorry. Looking at Ola’s mouth there, I’m guessing that trap was mostly used on “Eastenders : Later” which is just like Eastenders but everyone says “piss-shizzle” a lot and everyone’s a lesbian. Tess asks Sid how he felt about that, and he says that he loved every second, and he’s glad that it’s over. Ola says she really sees potential for greatness in Sid, honest, and…the scores are in :

WOO

26.

Now, a very serious announcement :

Growr

“During the premiere, three weeks ago, Johnny Ball was partnered with Aliona Vilani. But after two weeks of training, unfortunately…THIS happened”

I’m only transcribing that dryness verbatim because the immediate jump-cut into the VT, which begins with 80s kids tv circus music, makes it sound like Aliona got run over by a clown car. HONK HONK TRAGEDY.

Our VT actually begins with several shots of Johnny Ball in his younger days, presenting kids tv.

LOLHAIR

Johnny tells us that he’s still got that hair – it’s in a shoebox under the bed! I’d nip and check if I were you Johnny. I think Zoe foolishly let Anton borrow the keys in 2005 (“I JUST NEED TO BORROW SOME MILK, LOVE” he said), and he’s been using it as a chest-rug ever since. As if this wasn’t enough to have Anton looking sheepish, Johnny then very deliberately says that he’s the oldest contestant to have ever competed on this show. Between this and the…thing that Jerry’s about to do, it’s really not his day is it? Oh well, at least he hasn’t called anyone a racial slur, MOVING ON UP.

Johnny tells us that when he got Aliona, he thought “that poor kid”. Don’t stress yourself Johnny – if she’d got Louis, she would have been kidnapped in the middle of the night by Internet Forum Ments with a bag put over her head and subjected to three solid weeks of them yelling “IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT FAIR IT’S NOT FAIR!” at her face in some warehouse in Sunderland. It’s for the best. Speaking of which

'Ullo

here she is now. She says that Johnny’s got a lovely personality and she intends to showcase that lovely personality in the dances.

Training now, and Johnny says that he’s managed to haul himself up from absolute zero to being able to do “some bits”. Aliona says that surprisingly, dancing comes naturally to Johnny. All seems well in the land of Strictly when

Ooof
Ow
Eeep
Waaah
Crack
Owie
Stylish
RIPLIONA

OH NO! INJURY PORN STRIKES! So emosh. How is the show covering this up?

It's Aliona!

“Hello my name is Aliona Vilani. I am very happy to be back on Strictly after winning with Harry Judd from the MacFleas. It was so emotional when I finally lifted glitterball after coming so close with Mike Baker and Ray Wilding. Please tell my family I am ok, and will be home soon. Custard!”

Psst. It’s really noted ballroom dancer and kidnapee, Iveta Lukosiute. Here is a FUN FACT FILE on Iveta :

  • Iveta is a two-time world 10-dance champion
  • Iveta finished 20th on Series 8 of So You Think You Can Dance
  • Iveta tried to get on SYTYCD a billion times, and always failed because she was awful at hip hop (which, now that Evil Moira Ross has gone, shouldn’t be a problem on this show)
  • She eventually made it on solely because she dressed like a policewoman themed stripper (with suggestive use of a truncheon) for her cha cha, and gave Nigel Lythgoe a terrifying dance-boner
  • VEGAS IS READY FOR YOU…IVETA!
  • Whilst Iveta is a 10-dancer, she’s more gifted in ballroom than latin, which should please fans of the elegant art of elegantly being elegant

And that’s all you need to know about Iveta Lukosiute.

Johnny tells us that he’s had two partners now, because he’s an old man and can’t stick to script, and he hopes he does both of them proud.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

My eyes!

Wow, something haemmorhaged. Johnny and Iveta are doing their cha-cha to “Drive My Car”, which was also Letitia Dean’s cha-cha music, fact fans. Alion really does enjoy nicking songs the Bennetts danced to doesn’t she? Johnny shakes himself down to start off with whilst Iveta just

SKANK ATTACK

flings her arms around like a terrifying force of skank. So she’s got a lot of her Aliona impersonator down pat already. Girl’s a natural mimic. Anyway, Johnny’s cha-cha is exactly what you’d expect from a septugenarian with no dancing or performance experience learning how to dance Latin over the course of three weeks with constant changes in routine, teacher, and training venue.

It’s pretty bad. He does seem to know what he’s supposed to be doing most of the time, and actively tries to do it, which is better than I was expecting. He is miming up a storm though, including quite a few bits in which the song doesn’t actually have any lyrics, which takes some doing.

Beep beep

Over to the judges they go, whilst the camera cuts to Alion-A looking on from the audience as Alion-B dances with her man.

Oh no

She looks so devastated not to be up there dancing with him doesn’t she?

Craig starts us off for the judges, grim-faced, saying that he’s never really been a big fan of miming, dahling. Bet he was a fun drag queen. He tells Johnny that he needs to shut his mouth whilst dancing which prompts Johnny to

Zzzzzp

shut himself up tighter than Craig’s face. Dr Craig then tells Johnny that he looked like he “had a disorder of the central nervous system”, then pauses for a laugh. Well there’s tasteful for you. Apparently Johnny was all jerky and had spasms all the way through the routine. You know, just like people with meningitis would have. THANKS DR CRAIG! Darcey’s next and she says “JOHNNY, GREAT ENERGY!” very loudly and slowly

Well Done

and wearing that face, like “well done for taking all your pills like I asked Mr Ball, now please put your trousers back on”. She says she was very glad that he kept up the energy the whole way through and that he’s been very unlucky with the partners he’s got…

.........

………changing (worrabitch). Her only advice would be to transfer more weight from his heels onto the balls of his feet.

Len follows, and says it was all a bit “Last Of The Summer Wine” for him. I wish Evil Moira Ross was still here. Johnny would have ridden down those stairs to the ballroom in a tin bath. It would have been amazing. Despite that, it had great performance, and content, and timing, and there’s lots of people of around Johnny’s age who’d like to be able to get up on the dancefloor and move like that. More specifically, the bits where he rubbed his crotch up against Iveta. More specifically, Len. Bruno finishes by telling Johnny that he’s failed his M.O.T. It did look a bit like his exhaust pipe was clogged.

Up to the Tessanine they beep-beep, where Tess asks Johnny if it was all worth it. Hang on Tess, he’s not been eliminated yet. Johnny says it was, although he missed the first few steps. I love it when the older contestants fret over actually getting the dance right, and Tess just bawws “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU’RE STILL ALIVE, NOBODY CARES, JUST DON’T STROKE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCEFLOOR!”. Tess then moves on to patronising Iveta, asking her how it felt, as a global supestar (?!) to dance in the Strictly ballroom. Iveta then says

Sigh

“Strictly is so warm and welcome and like nice hot bath of loveliness with mug of cocoa of delight. Please give me job, I have many talent and good reference from Nigel Lythgoe. I have many time in dance, but I cannot sing, and my agent tell me that Big Brother only for mental defective and porn star wannabe. Please fire Kristina and hire me, she is too old now yes? Thank you for having me. Oh and ALL YOU YOUNG BOYS? YOU NEED TO GET TRAINING NOW, BECAUSE THIS IS REAL MAN AND HAVE A LOT OF ENERGY!!”

Erp

It was Week 2 that Jimmy Tarbuck’s heart gave out wasn’t it? Juss’ saying. Scores are in :

Oh...

17.

Tracy Beaker & Vincent Simone dancing the waltz

BEAKER

Bruce reminds us all that Tracy Beaker’s catchphrase is “bog off”. He says that he “might try that next week”. Nobody’s stopping you Bruce…

We start Tracy’s VT with the words “10 years as one of CBBC’s biggest child stars has left Dani Harmer…

Wooo

tired, angry, and a barely functioning alcoholic”. OK, not really, Tess says “with nothing left to hide”. Which I guess makes sense, given that the last time I watched kids tv it was because Gethin Jones was getting a spray tan. That glitterball is actual size by the way. SHE’S SO SMALL! The show may mention this at some point. Tracy says she started appearing on tv at the age of 12, and all her ugly awkward teenage years, complete with spots, braces, and ugly frizzy hair, have been documented for the whole world to see.

Ooosh

I haven’t heard anybody sound so bitter on this show since Katya lost that dance off to Ricky Groves. Dani then says that just because she’s famous for playing a child, people think she’s sweet and innocent, but actually she hates everyone and everything and slashes the wheels on mobility scooters for fun, because frankly her life peaked before she was even legally allowed to get drunk enough to appreciate it, and then it was ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE HA HA HA!

Tracy says that she was so ecstatic when she got told she was partnered with Vincent that she just could not stop jumping up and down. That’s such a lie. She only did it because it was the only way they could get her and Bruce’s face in shot at the same time. NICE TRY BEAKER! Vinthent himself then appears and says

Oh my

“WEEMIN THINK I AM A FANTASY, BUT I AM REAL!”

Let’s just end the series there – it’s not getting any better than that. Oh alright, he then says that Tracy is the ideal partner for him, because she’s young, fit, and she’s got the MOVES. Hey, who would have thought that, of all the male pros on this show, Vincent would be the first to admit that he was just using his partner

Lolbeard

as a beard? Dani closes the pre-training by saying that she and Vincent “may be a pair of Polly Pockets” but they’re not to be messed with.

R'arrgh

Well quite.

In training, Tracy worries that she thought that the waltz would be quite a slow and stately dance, but actually it’s quite quick. I’m sure everything’s quick from your perspective Tracy, given that with your TINY LITTLE LEGS it would take you half the show to even walk across the ballroom, and that’s if you weren’t accosted by a passing ladybird. Personally I’d be more worried that Vincent appears to be sending her to the same hairdresser as

D'oof

Natalie Cassidy went to. How far are we away from a bow made out of human hair? Not very. Vincent says that being so small, he and Tracy are going to have to go very very very fast to create the illusion of elegance. Also, lets throw in lots of spins and stuff. Yes Vincent, that’s worked so well for you before.

To the dancefloor!

Wooorp

So sad when “elegant” accidentally comes out as “cross-eyed”. But then she is drunk. Or maybe it’s because she’s dancing to “Open Arms”, a song one should never listen to sober…Nah, she’s definitely drunk. Every arm-waft is like it’s sliding through a treacle haze, she’s wobbling around constantly, and she falls out of more or less every spin. This move here

Herp

is the one you do when you emerge from the ladies and realise you’ve got some toilet paper stuck in your heel and this face

Oh dear...

is the one you pull when you try to stand up in the morning and realise “…no, still hungover”. Frankly Vincent’s lucky that this spin

Spewwwwwwwwwwww

didn’t turn into a vomit-fountain. I mean, I know one has to combat first night nerves somehow but (*Lady Violet Downton Abbey Face*)

Hic

Tracy looks a bit raddled once it’s finished, but let’s face it, she’s probably just wondering where she can get a kebab. I think Erin’s probably just about to take the prawns off the barbie in Erin Island, Tracy, maybe ask her? Or maybe she’s just worried that she has to talk to Bruce now because…we all know what happens there. Sadly. Of course, he gets off to a great start by yelling “TRACY! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” at her, when the standing ovation she’s getting is entirely off-camera, so it’s kind of like he’s talking to a toddler who just did a big poo in the potty. Fortunately the camera pans over to let us see it.

HELLO

Fortunately, because FWIT FWOO, hello Mysterious Tall Stranger. Bruce then tells the two of them that they look so cute together that they should be on a wedding cake. Is that the moment when the chief bridesmaid’s so rat-arsed she and one of the caterers sneak back into the reception after everyone else has gone to get a taxi, and have awkward sex on the remains of the buffet table? Girl looks WASTED.

Darcey starts, and tells Tracy that she was very impressed with her travelling, so she should just forget about how she’s supposedly a “Polly Pocket” Yes, because I’m sure the show will SO let her.

Darcey then tells Tracy that dance is all about creating an illusion, and she managed that. Yes, the illusion that she’d drunk a yard of ale before she started. Darcey’s Helpful Hint for moving forward though, is to dance like Vincent’s just given her a beautiful necklace to wear. I’ve occasionally danced like Vincent has given me a pearl necklace, does that count?

Len’s next, and tells her she needs to work on the detail of the dance, but he liked the thing that wasn’t a lift (and was almost a vomit-fountain), because she had ONE FOOT ON THE FLOOR (*eyes to Karen*). In the spins she looked a little bit “wobbly fobbly” (/twatted) but overall it was very nice. We then get the one-two of Bruce barking “STOP SHAKING!” at Tracy, and then Bruno lurching at her and going “TRACY! SMIIIIIILE!”. I know both of those things always help me when I’m feeling nervous. A bonkers gay Italian yelling in my face to cheer up. Look! It’s really helping Tracy as well!

*twitch*

Helping her develop a twitch. He tells her that all her tension is preventing her really flowing – the waltz is a fluid dance, and it never ends. Certainly sometimes it feels like it.

Craig finishes, and starts going on about devlopes, but nobody pays any attention because Tracy is suddenly clinging to Vincent for grim life and pulling this face.

Hup...

Those cheeks are so full of vomit aren’t they? Licoricey vomit that smells of sambucca. Fortunately Tracy swallows it back down before she ruins Vincent’s nice suit. Doubly fortunately, because when Craig compliments her on having a “lovely back”, Bruce tells her she has a “lovely front” as well, and I nearly vomitted in my living room when I heard that little line, so Lord only knows how she would have managed.

Did nobody tell Bruce that cracking on to someone who looks like a child, as a BBC Light Entertainment Presenter, of the old-school, in this week of all weeks, might have been a little…ill-advised?

Up to the Tessanine they wobble, where Tess yells “HERE COME OUR TINY DANCERS!” (…) and asks Tracy how she thinks that went. Tracy says it wasn’t the best she’s done it, but as long as she made her Papa Smurf happy, it was worth it.

PAPA SMURGGGHF

Seriously, SO DRUNK. Tess asks her if she was afraid of Craig’s comments (she was) and whether being so small is an advantage or a disadvantage as a dancer. Vincent replies that his life turned out ok, but it was a bit difficult at the beginning. My heart weeps for tiny bullied teenage Vincent. Just a little. Then comes the WORST MOMENT OF THE ENTIRE WEEKEND, when Tess reaches into her giant Suitcase O’ Nonsense

Weee

(Natalie’s SO not into this already) and pulls out

Oh christ...

this. WHAT IS THAT? WHY HAS TINY VINCENT GOT A PARROT? WHY IS TINY TRACY DRESSED AS LUCY SPRAGGAN? WHY ANY OF IT?

Everyone goes “bawwww” and “awwwww” and VINCENT IS A 33 YEAR OLD FATHER, WHY? I could just about forgive them if this is something someone sent in from home but no, apparently props made that themselves. Tracy says “THANK YOU!” with the gracious tone of my nan when someone refuses to let her have the parking space she wanted. Scores are in

YAY!

21. Now if you’ll excuse Tracy, there’s a bin she needs to throw up into.

Lisa Riley & Robin Windsor dancing the GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

lo

Apparently Lisa has told Bruce that if Craig is rude to her, then she’ll go up to him after the show and punch him. Eh, Jan Ravens’ Husband already did it. And judging from his face, the Plastic Surgery Fairy as well.

WALLOP

Not really, I’m sure it’s nothing but vitamins and clean living.

VT time now, and Tess reminds us that Lisa Riley used to play Mandy Dingle in Emmerdale, and she was right fug-beast and no mistake. And also

Awful

a big old racist. NO MORE BLACKFACE MANDY! FOR SHAME! Tess wonders how Lisa will react then, to being STRICTLIFIED! Based on her face, by going

Eh?

“that’s not a word…”. She tells us that she’s used to having wrinkles drawn on and eye-bags added with make-up, because she always plays mingers, so this should be a nice change. Lisa’s partner?

Ta dah!

ROBIN WINDSOR! Lisa goes on about how beautiful and handsome and well-sculpted and sexy and manly and gorgeous and dreamy and hunky he is, with a glazed look on her face.

Woooooo

It’s not so much “barking up the wrong tree” as “dry-humping it until it falls over”.

Training now, and it turns out that Robin keeps on using “dancer language” like “ronde”, “pas de bourree”, and “glittergasm”. Just you wait til he starts with the ANIMAL IMAGERY Lisa, you’ll be well lost. Lisa then sets about constructing a “Robin To Lisa” dictionary.

Tum ti tum

It contains terms like “Swisho” and “Twizzle” and “Bap Bap” and “Jaffa” and “Sherbert Dib Dab” and “Vimto” and “Twix” and “Wonka Bar” and so on. Lisa calls this her very own version of the Da Vinci Code. I have to say I’d be far more interested in her version, especially if it has a lot of Twizzles in it. Robin on the other hand is FURIOUS

Grrrr

THIS IS NOT THE BEAUTIFUL CHOREOGRAPHY HE CREATED! LISA DOING A FRUITY TWIZZLE WITH HER SHERBERT BAP-BAPS OUT? THAT DOESN’T SOUND NEARLY CAMP ENOUGH!

To the dance-floor now and

Woooo

there’s no need to worry Robin, because this is the gayest dance since Ian threw a silver glittery spider-web over Jade Johnson and made her dance to the Destinys Child soundtrack to a Charlie’s Angels movie. They’re dancing to “Think” by Aretha Franklin, but with extra “WHOOPSIE!” noises played over the top and the piano set to “Double Liberace”.

FISTING!
Wooo
WOO

GERTCHA!

There’s lots of side-by-side swishing and hand-jiving and voguing and posing and fist-pumping and more than anything, Lisa’s boobs are going 19-to-the-dozen. Who would have thought that Wardrobe’s lax attitudes towards quality bras could actually enhance a dance? All credit to Robin for the choreography. I think my favourite sequence goes

CHOO CHOO

Choo-Choo Arms

SHOVE

Shove Robin

SPANK

Spank Your Arse DIRECTLY AT CRAIG!

And that works in either Robin or Lisa-ese.

If I have any small criticisms it’s that it loses a bit of energy from that HIGH POINT OF MY LIFE and this

Never ever

is never necessary, but seriously, best dance of the week BY FAR. What makes me doubly excited is that I think she could do better within the same genre, and by rules of the Strictly Salsambcha WE’RE GOING TO SEE IT TWO MORE TIMES. So exciting.

LIFT

What a shame they’re going to have to knock a mark off for that blatant lift at the end.

Everyone cheers and applauds and

lo

oh look it’s that man again. It’s like they want this to be favourite part of the episode even more so. Once Lisa and Robin stop bathing in the gaymazing afterglow of their full-frontal assault on heterosexuality, they wander over to Bruce, where he tells Lisa that she should have the freedom of the City of London for that routine. Especially Soho.

We start with Len.

WOOPSIE

Yup, it’s turned him. It’s not only SPORTSMEN who have to watch out any more lads, you’re all in danger. He tells Lisa that she is a funky monkey and like a bottle of cola – refreshing and effervescent. He’s not so sure about the fact that Robin’s turned up as a Brillo Pad

Ouch

but other than that he liked it. I have to admit my nipples are sympathetically wincing a little as well. Bruno is

Eh

indifferent, as you might expect. Not really his thing, was it?

Craig follows with “Three Words Darling…You…Can…DANCE!”.

Shooga booga

I have admit I was hoping for “Camp…As…Tits” but I’ll take what I can get. Lisa runs up and gives him a kiss. I was hoping for more arse-spanking really. On either end. Darcey closes by saying that she loved Lisa for taking a risk, and she thinks she’s going to be a joy to watch.

Up to the Tessanine they bap-bap, and Tess asks Lisa how that went, in Lisa-ese. Lisa says that her bap-baps were alright, but she missed her waltzios entirely. Robin very earnestly tells her that it doesn’t matter, nobody noticed. No,no, Robin, I definitely watched that and thought “where the heck are the waltzios?”. Tess then asks if Lisa is going to be doing all the lifts from now on, and she and Robin have a muscle-off to show that her arms are just as big as his.

SQUEEZE

Oh how I have missed Kristina’s random Background Bitch-Faces. Never change, Kristina. Scores are in

YAYYYYY

30

Richard Arnold & Erin Boag dancing the waltz

RICHARD

Do we think Erin Island should have a theme tune? All the best islands have a theme tune.

Bruce tells us that Richard is a TV critic, which means that he goes to drag shows and says “oooh, I don’t think much of her weave darling, very dusty”. OK, not really, he’s a television critic, which means he watches people try their hardest to produce entertainment and rips them to shreds. Bruce tuts, shakes his head, and says that that’s such an awful way to make a living. I know Bruce, some of us do it for free.

VT time now, and Tess tells us that, as Daybreak’s Entertainment Editor, Richard is no stranger to the glamorous world of A List celebrities such as…

Hardassians

erm…I’m drawing a blank. Are they all Kardashians? Real Housewives Of Milton Keynes? Richard tells us that it’s really odd, because these days the people he meets at red carpet events are more interested in talking about Strictly than doing an interview with him. “These days?”. And here is discussing his impending Strictly stint with global megastar

FOGHORRRRRRN

erm…Rowetta? Is that Rowetta? Has Lara Flynn Boyle finally eaten a sandwich and left the house in the daytime? I’m at a loss. Finally he bumps into someone I recognise.

Hiya

It’s Strictly Runner-Up Chelsee Healey! When Richard tells her that he’s doing Strictly, she openly laughs in his face and tells him he doesn’t know what he’s let himself in for. I know! And she was with a pro who gave a damn. Speaking of which

*GLAZE*

herrrrrrrrrre’s Erin. She’s saying “Oh, I LOVE Richard, he’s so much fun and he has so much energy”, clearly reading it off a cue-card. I can’t wait for her to accidentally call him Rory, him to protest, and her to reply “oh you’re all the same to me dear don’t worry about it, now shut up and do this fleckerl”. Look

WAPWAP

she’s already turned him into her own personal muppet. Richard for his part says that Erin is a “class act” which you will know as a euphemism for “old and boring”. He says that he’s kind of in awe of her. Aren’t we all Richard? I don’t even know how I’d control my emotions if I ever met Erin. Then again, that’s probably because if I met Erin it’d be because I’d been woken up at 3am by her hand round my throat and her hissing “STOP WRITING THAT COCKING BLOG, IT’S REALLY RUDE AND NOT FUNNY!”.

Training now, and Richard says the waltz has been a revelation to him, because he thought he’d be able to easily recreate the grace and pizznache of Strictly couples of yore, and he’s…turning into a collapsed pavolva.

floop

Well quite. He says he’s still full of fruit though. Mmmm hmm. He demonstrates this by repeatedly blowing raspberries on Erin’s neck (?!). Erin of course responds by

oooooooooooh

borderline castrating him. Erin grins to camera that since Richard’s been working with her, he’s been walking all funny. YEAH, I WONDER WHY THAT IS. The VT ends, as all good VTs should, with them both ripping the piss out of Nicole Kidman, whisper-shouting

I LOVE TO DANCE

“I’M A DANCER!” down the camera-lens. Oh Erin Plus Gays. Never not funny.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Wooooo

To help us all come down from the campery of Robin’s routine, Erin has choreographed a neat waltz to a Barbra Streisand standard.

NOT CAMP

In many ways, she is the methadone of Strictly Come Dancing. Said Barbra Streisand standard being “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” (Psst! Erin! It’s because he’s gay!). Please remember as you read this all, that there are still people who protest that same-sex couples would tip this show over into a camp parody of itself, like it hasn’t already been there since Patsy Kensit did a cowboy-themed quickstep.

Anyway, it’s an Erin Boag waltz, so we all know what we’re getting here – bludgeoned with good taste, perfect footwork, no gimmicks, and a faint whiff of dentists waiting room until we all feel a bit sleepy. At this point we’ve already had two men doing surprisngly sweet Week One waltzes, so the impact is a little deadened, but hey, at least I’m not sitting through Nicky Westlife’s one again. Richard plays his part well, even if he is counting out loud on some occasions and

Wrrrrr

looking like an Auton on others.

THE END!

Pbbbbbt

I swear, if he keeps on blowing raspberries on Erin’s neck, he’s going to appear on a very awkward It Takes Two on Thursday with no tongue left in his head, talking about how he’s going to be doing a “FA-YOU-US PA-HA-O-HAY”. She’s already clearly

Ooooooooof

kneed him in the balls about it off-camera whilst we panned to Karen, Ola and Fern all looking glazed over in the Tessanine. Bruce asks him if he’s alright, and he lies that his girdle snapped. Bruce then goes on to ask how he feels about facing the judges, and Richard mithers that they’ve all got hearts “like swinging bricks”. Well…almost, in Bruno’s case. Aint nothing swinging about that brick.

Bruno starts, and hoots “RICHARD! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!”. Erin happened to him Bruno. She’ll come for us all, one day. Bruno says he was expecting a campfest, and instead Richard looked sedated.

Whrrrrrr

And if there’s anyone who knows about sedated, it’s Bruno. It’s the only way they can get him on a plane every Monday to go do Dancing With The Stars. Even then they have to tie his legs together so he doesn’t kick nurse. He tells Richard that he didn’t like how was trying to play butch, and that it was a bit boring. IT WAS BEING DANCED TO “YOU DON’T BRING ME FLOWERS”. BY BARBRA STREISAND. IT’S A BALLROOM WALTZ, BEING DANCED QUITE WAFTILY, BY A MIDDLE-AGED GAY MAN, TO A SONG ABOUT AN UNSATISFIED, LONELY HOUSEWIFE. HOW IS THAT NOT CAMP? I swear, Russell Grant broke this show’s perceptions of camp forever.

Craig says that he disagrees, and he thought Richard’s beguiling half-smile was rather lovely.

Hello

Oooh, someone’s pulled. Richard gives Craig his flower, in gratitude. On the other hands his transitions were lumpy, and his hands were spatulistic. Maybe you can show him the proper technique Craig? Darcey then decides that she missed the “Real Richard” in that routine. Because I’m sure she’s really well-positioned to speak on that. She thinks he needs to be much more lively and campy (in a waltz). She tells him that he should take Erin’s Barbra Streisand cd, take it home with him, and listen to it in the bath, so he gets more familiar with it. Yes, I’m sure Richard Arnold needs to become more familiar with the works of Barbra Streisand, Darcey. That’s the real problem.

Anyway, Len schools everyone on how waltzes are supposed to be BORING AND TASTEFUL and with no winking or shaking your bum or any of that nonsense. Richard’s had the best footwork of any waltz he’s seen so far and that’s GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. Good posture as well. Having schooled everyone on how you do a camp waltz properly, Len then ruins it all by telling Richard he’s going to call him “Tricky Dicky”.

Hurr hurr

Well that makes no sense. He seems a fairly straightforward soul to me.

Up to the Tessanine they camp, where Tess informs Richard that that’s the first time Craig’s been given flowers on this show. I don’t know Tess, he occasionally has to put up with a load of phlox from Len.

WOOPSIE

Tess also reminds Richard that he had Len’s Favourite Footwork. We’d all buy that video for Fathers Day wouldn’t we? Categories include “Prettiest Flekcerls”, “Best CAHMIN AHHHTS” and “best use of GIVIN IT SAHM WELLY GO ON MY SON!”. Richard says it was an honour to be told that by the legendary Len Goodman. Erin told him that when you step out on the stairs on the first night, you become part of the loyal tightly knit Strictly family forever, and it’s TRUE (*cough*ArleneAleshaHAYLEYHOLTJaredNicoleCutlerBrianFortunaLiliaDarrenAndSomeMoreIveProbablyForgotten*cough*). I’m guessing Anton is the uncle who always wants to shot you “magic tricks” and Karen Hardy is the batty aunt who keeps on asking Ian why he hasn’t found the right girl yet.

Richard then does a bit where he thanks Erin for being so wonderful and then has to ask her name tee hee, and Tess asks if he’ll be bringing that SENSE OF HUMOUR to his dance next week, and Richard says yes, he will gay up his cha cha for them if they really want him to. Woo. Scores are in

Wooo

22.

Jerry Hall & Anton du Beke walking the cha cha

P...p...p...p..pp...

We begin this segment with Bruce spitting out “p..p..p..p..p..p..p.enultimate” like he’s Porky Pig. He eventually modifies it “last but one”, then does his standard “SHUT UP!” to the audience and protests “It was penultimate, I can say penultimate, it’s easy!”. His next line begins “Anyway, Jenny has fallen head over heels in love…”. Like I always say, sometimes this show works best as its own parody, without jokes.

*grin*

Anyway, apparently Jerry asked if there was a “Mrs du Beke” who lives at home with Anton, and Bruce replies yes, because he still lives with his mother. Is she propped up in a rocking- chair in the cellar? Don’t use the shower when you pop round, Jerry. Although actually…don’t do that regardless.

VT time now, and Tess reminds us that, as a supermodel, Jerry spent most of her life “living the dream”. So long as your dream was

THE DREEM

“parading ill-fitting ugly clothes that nobody would wear, to coked-up wankers and pederastic bisexuals”. Jerry says that she does sometimes pinch herself because she can’t believe she’d lead such a wonderful life. Is that why she’s doing this show? Is it meant to serve as one long pinch? Jerry says it was great to travel the world on a private jet with The Rolling Stones. And NOW she gets to dance the Charleston with Tony Beke in the company of Tracy Beaker! WOW!

Anton hoves into view, to tell us that Jerry Hall is glamorous, sexy, sophisticated and funny.

HIYA

But is she also sort of a lawyer with a sideline in maybe human rights work Anton? No. She’s got NOTHING on Nancy. NOTHING. Jerry for her part tells us that when she heard she was partnered with Anton she was really

SO PLEASED

pleased. No really. She felt like the penguin from Happy Feet. Admittedly at the moment it was being chased by a killer whale, but still. Penguin. She says that originally she just didn’t want to be voted off first, but now she has Anton, she thinks she’s going to win. SURE you do Jerry. SURE you do.

Training now, with Anton gushing that he’s the luckiest man in the world, because he gets to dance with Jerry Hall! It’s not going to be until Week Four, and it will last for all of about four seconds but BOY, when it happens…. He says that she’s got a natural flair about her, and she’s coming up with lots of bits of choreography herself to put in the routine, so he’s just letting her get on with it. Well…I guess it’s easier than digging up Anton’s “Big Book Of Disco” again. Jerry says she loves how Anton is always paying her compliments like

Such friends

“you’re better than the last partner I had…and the one before that…and you’re in the country more than the one before that…the one before that I don’t remember, I think she was in Eastenders…”.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

GLAM

Now, I want to put as much effort into recounting and recapping this dance as went into choreographing, rehearsing, and performing it.

flam

So there we are. It’s like when Lisa Snowdon spent all week rehearsing her waltz until she got it absolutely perfect, and then went out and flobbed around at random for her jive. Except spread out over two weeks. And less flobbing. Here’s hoping her foxtrot is more…visible.

Over by the judges, Craig starts, by saying that Jerry took “minimal” to a whole new level, apart from all the “wriggling about” going on.

FILTH

Why didn’t we put Jerry on the half of this show that was after the watershed? You can just see she wants to say something transcendentally filthy. Anton protests that he was starting off gently for Jerry, so she can work her way up. What to, blinking? Darcey follows by telling Jerry that she has the ability, and she has the assets, so maybe she could try doing a dance, at some point, maybe? Jerry’s all “I’ll think about it”. She won’t.

Len follows, saying that he liked it, but it was a bit careful. He wanted to be EXCITED! HE WANTS TO BE EXCITED NEXT WEEK JERRY, DO IT! Just come out and do the same nothing in cricket whites Jerry, you’ll probably get a 7. Really work the bat, maybe an 8. Bruce asks Jerry if she thinks she can excite Len, and Jerry drawls “definitely! Wait til you see mah foxtrot!”. I’d rather not.

Bruno closes by proving that he’s going to be

Werk
Werk

one of those drag queens that Jerry so wanted to inspire. He pretends to be a supermodel in lieu of giving actual critique. So, you know, business as usual then. Bruce closes by telling Anton to give his love to his mother. Anton protests that Bruce never called her. Oh how I have missed “Anton is secretly Bruce’s bastard child” jokes.

Up on the Tessanine, Tess says “if you look that good wiggling, why wouldn’t you?”. I say “if you look that awful in that dress, why would you?”. Everybody’s got questions they want answered. Jerry says that she was

Wooo

HAVING A STUDIO 54 FLASHBACK! Wow, that must have been some bad acid. She goes on to say that she thought Anton was Rudolf Nureyev for a moment out there. Wow, that must have been some POWERFUL bad acid. Scores are in

Woo

18.

Louis Smith & Flavia Cacace dancing the cha cha

LOUIS!

By way of introduction, Tess gushes “HAVE WE SAVED THE BEST TIL LAST?!?!?!”, to which Anton replies “not really, no”. HA! What a bitch. Incidentally, I’m not going to harp on their lack of chemistry really, because it’s only Week One, and they’re bound to HAVE A JOURNEY (*drink*), but you’d think they might try and look a bit less like a blind date gone wrong that are still being forced to pose for a picture for the wall of the cheap restaurant that Flavia’s mum gave her some vouchers for. For the woman who landed by far the most naturally gifted male in the competition, Flavia looks like Widdy at Pride Week.

Anyway, Bruce reminds us that Louis’ gymnastic instrument of choice is the pommel horse (although Internet rumour suggests that, if he’s been hanging around the bars with the rest of Team GB long enough he’s not averse to having a go at the rings) (he’s an all-rounder really is what I’m saying) (at gymnastics) (admittedly these rumours are mostly because of his hair). Flavia however of course favours other pieces of equipment for her gymnastic exercises – the harness, the Ben Wa balls, and the Orgasmotron 5000.

Meow

It’s always the quiet ones.

His VT starts, I kid you not, with the words

HOW YOU DOIN

“CHECK ME OUT!”. It’s like he doesn’t want to win isn’t it? Tess tells us that Louis Smith’s Olympic (almost) victory is proof that there’s hope out there for even the most boisterous of children.

AIEEE

OH MY GOD, HE’S PRACTICALLY FERAL! BROKEN BRITAIN!

Louis tells us that he was an irritating little squit as a child, so his mother took him to gymnastics from the age of 4 (!) in order to burn off some of that excess energy broiling inside him. What type of excess energy?

Parp

Maybe ask Team Fartem. That looks like one powerful guff. Louis says that his Olympic pommel horse final was the scariest moment of his life. You wait until Bruno pops round after the show’s over for some “extra training” Louis. You ain’t seen nothing yet. Anyway, he won a silver at the Olympics, and at the moment he won he finally truly realised all the sacrifices his mother, friends, and family had made for him, so that he could win. Those poor goats.

Here’s Flavia!

TAH-DAH

She says that 2012 has already been an amazing year for Louis, and she really wants to finish it off for him. FLAVIA! WHAT ABOUT JIM….oh right, with a glitterball. Right. Got you. Hem.

Training now, and Louis says that MAN he feels like a woman (who can’t dance at a party).

Woooo

BAP BAP BANANA BAP BAP! Let’s go girls! (No, Lisa, never mind, your dance is over now, put your bap baps away). Flavia tells us that cha cha is quite cheeky, sexy, and flirty, and Louis protests that he’s never had to be sexy and flirty in his life. Not in male gymnastics anyway. Maybe because they let the men just DO gymnastic floor exercises, rather them forcing them to interrupt them with pouting and sticking your bum out to Rihanna like they do the girls. For shame. Flavia further says that dancing is all about emotion, which is difficult for Louis, because as an Olympian, the only emotion he’s allowed to have is “I’M AMAZING!!!!!”

Louis says that he’s finding things really difficult, and it’s making him pull his concentraty face.

Hnnnng

Now that’s legitimately quite sexy, so of course Flavia tells him it’ll never do. Grin like a window cleaner who’s just seen Mrs Wilson washing her bum through her bathroom window in a George Formby movie. THAT’S LATINO-SEXY, STRICTLY STYLE!

WOO HOO

That’s better.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

fuck yooooou

They’re dancing to “Forget You” by Cee-Lo Green. It’d be a lot more fun if they played up to this silly idea that they hate one another by doing it with the original lyrics, and pretend to cat-fight. I feel, after Lisa’s cha-cha, I have sadly got my expectations for Week 1 cha-cha’s a bit too high…being interesting wise.

As it is, it’s alright actually. He’s VERY wiggly, and it comes across a bit OTT (at points his arms look like he’s doing the hula-hula dance, rather than cha-cha_ but he can at least move his hips unself-consciously, which is a start. And he’s clearly got the routine down-pat which, after the last couple of night, is a bonus. But there’s no denying that the chemistry isn’t really there yet.

Almost

Not quite. Also, for all Flavia huffed pre-series that she wasn’t just going to throw in gymnastic moves willy-nilly for no reason.

Wheeee

She so does.

Plop

TA DAH! Pictures can’t quite express how diffidently he does that splits incidentally. It’s totally a good thing though, because the thing that put me off the other Strictly gymnasts (Gabby, Matt) is that they attacked every routine like it had burgled their house and they’d just got the go ahead from Chris Grayling to stab it in the face. Louis being far more casual about things is a lot more appealing.

I do want to see him break Matt Baker’s Strictly Flick-Flacks record before series end though. HAS TO HAPPEN.

Up on the Tessanine,

Herp

Tracy’s still looking a bit the worse for wear. At least we know now why they did her hair like that – if Kimberley vomitted off a tequilla binge with that hair-do, she’d be picking bits of pasta pot out of her extensions for WEEKS.

Over to the judges they (sadly) don’t backflip, as the audience stand their ovation. Bruce’s first question? “PA PUMMEL HOUSE HORSE POMMEL HORSE or FLAVIA?”. Well I feel that warrants a poll.

Louis opts for Flavia. Bold decision. He then follows this up by saying “we did really good didn’t we?”. Flavia’s face says

MAKE IT END

“OH MY GOD STOP IT, THEY SPENT AN ENTIRE SERIES SAYING MATT WAS ARROGANT JUST BECAUSE HE WASN’T SOAPY CLEAN GETHIN, I CAN’T TAKE IT AGAIN!”.

Darcey starts for the judges by saying :

N'yurrrrrrrrrrrgh

“ARRGGUURRGGHH MY GODDDDDDD!”. I think I preferred “yah?”. Darcey then crams an entire Arlene-series worth of perving into one critique. So that’s going to be fun. Len follows by saying that it wasn’t a gold medal performance (oooh burn!) and that Louis was too loose. He needed to be crisper. So there. Bruno of course sees Darcey’s perving and raises her

SEXXXXXXXXXXX

violently, slamming his chips down on the table. There’s barely time for Craig to Craig things up by calling Louis awkward and flat-footed before Darcey’s practically screaming “TAKE ME NOW!” and futilely tries to ovary-dial despite the fact lines haven’t opened yet, until Craig has to fan them down with his “1” paddle.

Fap fap fap

You might want to get a mini-fan inserted down there Craig, she’s not going to stop any time soon.

Up to the Tessanine they (sadly don’t) cartwheel, where Tess asks Louis if he had fun out there. Louis says that despite his tension it went brilliantly – they really sold the dance how they wanted to sell it. For £3.99 at Happy Shopper? Sadly we need time for some stupid dance-off skit in a minute so we don’t get to explore the soon-to-rage War Of Darcey’s Pants. The scores are in

Yah

27.

Final leaderboard?

Tops
Bottoms

Random porny shot of Kristina?

Nom nom

AND WE’RE DONE.

21 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Week 1 Performance (2)

  1. catherinehirst

    Lisa’s cha cha was so entertaining, everything else this ep was really dull by comparison. I thought I’d be perving on SOMEONE by now, but between Louis being thick and Pasha’s hair, (and Nicky’s blinding white teeth disturb me), there is a sad lack of male totty so far this series.

    (psst: I’m pretty sure “Dancing with Myself” was Billy Idol, not Billy Joel. Although I’d really like to hear that cover version.)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      This is what happens when you’re down to your last poll of the episode and you just want to get the damned thing up already.

      Reply
  2. Kerry McCormack (@KerryMc1978)

    I did a little woop for the first Dr Hammy screencap and the first ‘poor Wilnelia’ of the series.

    I wish you’d screencapped the moment that Bruce openly laughed when Tess referred to Karen and Donobots “witty banter”. I almost liked him for a second.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m going to try not to over-use Dr Hammy, because something may well come along this series just as funny. It’s unlikely but…

      Reply
  3. Left Feet

    OK who is this years Bot? Has to be Louis and Flavia for me. The judges rightfully slammed some of the others for their weird faces but not hime for his lack of any facial expression what so ever reminded me of Ricky Nipple.
    The whole Dani segment was also just awful the Bruce gag yuck mini Dani and Vincent double yuck.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think it’s Louis or Kimberley. She’s got the well-rehearsed bland non-comittal side of being a bot down. Nicky doesn’t seem very interesting either, but he couldn’t even waltz. Even Gavbot could waltz. There need to be some standards.

      Reply
  4. pamminxy

    But but but … you missed out Brucie’s best ever bit … where he sniggered at the mention of Donobot’s wit. Best Brucie evah in his whole career and shudnevahb4got.
    Right now I would keep Brucie over Toss – even without that snigger (which has earned him a teeny, teeny spot in my cold, cold heart forevah, bless him).

    That poor woman next to Mrs NotConnelly, she had that “terrified but trying not to show it in case the loon turns psychotic” look on her face all night. Can’t say I blame her, but I would have been tempted to trigger it and point her at Toss.

    Wow at the animated pic of the ginger one, saw her last night on Rhi Rhi’s stylist show and what a miserable, robotic cow she is as a presenter.

    No idea what a SPICE TOP POMP TOMP PATSY! is but I voted for it and want one, along with an orgasmatron 5000 please . Unless Kensit goes with it, in which case just the 5000 thanks!

    Thanks again for brightening my life! Btw have you seen Britains Best Jewish Mother yet? I think they made that show just for you to recap.

    (waves to mindyann … thanks for the invite but I don’t have the time, shame really as i have a fully stocked bar)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      SPICE TOP POMP TOMP PATSY! was what Bruno yelled at Patsy Kensit one time after she was quite good at a dance. It never fails to make me laugh when I think of it. It’s probably number two on my list of favourite things Bruno has said, after “THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF BULLSHIT!”. Although I guess “DESIGNER GEAR! DESIGNER GEAR!” is in with a shot as well.

      Reply
  5. mazylou

    Monkseal, I shouldn’t read this blog while I’ve got flu. I laughed so much my headache is back. Topp Recapping as ever. Very impressed by the amount of side by side Robin and Lisa did – if she sticks around, the Charleston (spit) should be excellent.

    Reply
  6. Ferny

    Seriously, what the heck were those glittered toys Tess pulled out for Dani and Vincent? So random. The sad thing is she completely committed to it like it was a brilliant idea. What?!
    I can just imagine someone backstage painting glitter glue onto those things and I want to cry.

    In other news, Lisa and Robin were amazing (/Leona)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Honestly, they seem to think just because she used to play a child that she still is one. I know she brings on all the short stuff herself but that level of infantilisation, even by this show’s standards…

      Reply
  7. Carl

    This was so much fun to read. I laughed way more than I should have at Aliona’s tombstone. I did not understand the way they edited those injury porn scenes – I think they took the porn part too literally. It was one of the more upbeat and sparkly, happy injury porn scenes I can remember, with the happy music training footage suddenly lurching into her being taken away.

    Seeing Flavia and Vincent dance together in the results show reminded me of the spark they still have as dancers, and made me wonder if they’ll ever have that with any of their celeb partners again (it’s been a while).

    Thank you for the insane Erin shot from her intro video.

    I missed the awful “people on the street” in the second episode but something tells me your version was much better.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      In its favour, it’s one of the few “real people” scenes I’ve seen on a reality show where I buy they’re real people, because they made the cast of TOWIE look like RADA.

      Reply
  8. Ferny

    PA POMMEL HOUSE quote had me laughing for a full minute. Ah Brucie, I really can’t comprehend people who think Bruce should leave, he’s gold.

    Reply
  9. Jenny

    Sorry to be so tardy in thanking you for all your efforts – really, you do deserve a medal.

    Just want to add that I’m now using “Were you trying to be butch?” as my go-to riposte to my cat whenever he nags for food / demands attention. I think this is the level of audience it deserves.

    Reply

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