Our second performance show of the week is topped and tailed, as usual, by the two Party Dances guaranteed to have the most impact – that is, the two performed by our two Beloved Ringers, Kimberley Walsh and Louis Smith. As Week One Ringer Cha Chas go, they’re the same as ever – moderately interesting for signs of potential of Latin madness to come, not very exciting in their own right, danced to modern pop R & B. Kimberley’s is a bit more wobbly, Louis’ is a bit more of a complete void of personality and connection and the human spark, but he wins bonus points for throwing a couple of gymnastic tricks in, looking UTTERLY DISINTERESTED the entire time. He does the splits like he’s putting the milk out, except he turns to the milkman halfway through, DARING him to be impressed.
Then he winks at him.
At the other end of the cha-cha spectrum (can you imagine a cha-cha spectrum? It’s mostly yellowy beige) are Jerry and Johnny, both handicapped by various things. Firstly Johnny, by the partner change foisted on him by Aliona’s injury. He’s being partnered by Two-Time World 10-Dance champion and So You Think You Can Dance 20TH PLACER (seriously Karen, I apologise for ever making fun of your comparatively amazing finish), Iveta Lukosiute. Unless this show is pulling some sort of bizarre Vertigo twist, with Johnny Ball as Jimmy Stewart, in which case he’s being partnered by Aliona Vilani, minus a sandwich. Anyway, he’s crap. Jerry on the other hand doesn’t appear to want to do a cha-cha which…fair enough, if you want me to judge you by the same standards by which I judged WIDDY. Still, she’s far more charming off the dancefloor than Widdy ever was, so there’s that.
Defining cha-cha of the show though, is done by Lisa, who finally gets to unleash the rainbows, sparkles, and dildo-unicorns that we have only seen fitfully from Robin before, full-on, 100% GAYMAZING STRENGTH. She does a routine straight out of Hairspray (noted for its authentic cha-cha choreograph) right down the camera lens. Even half-assing it (which she clearly is for some of it) it’s more energetic than every single other routine from the weekend combined. She tops the leaderboard, somehow. Let’s not question it, because I can’t imagine it’s going to last. At least not without some Tedious Controversy anyway.
Speaking of campery, let’s turn our attention to the waltzes. More specifically Richard’s. Because he does a classic waltz, quite indifferently, with a frozen Liberace grin, to “You Don’t Send Me Flowers”, as sung by Barbra Streisand. Bruno and Darcey both complain that it isn’t camp. I conclude that Bruno and Darcey don’t know what camp IS. Also waltzing are Tracy Beaker (wobbling all over the place because she’s drunk, no, seriously, I would be very surprised if she wasn’t a little tiddly) and Sid Owen (better than you’d think, and he’s partnered with Ola, so “better than you’d think” is automatically inflated to POTENTIAL WINNER because that’s just how the prism of Ola works).
Anything else? Bruce and Tess try to get the audience to act excited about the Dance-Off again, and fail again. Darcey’s still saying yah, but the flow’s been stuanched slightly. Oh and there’s a pro group-dance, which is notable for Natalie singing along to Pixie Lott into her dressing-room mirror and nothing else.