Let’s start this recap off with an impromptu Top 5 Bachelorette Ranking :
1. Brandy, may she one day FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES HER LIKE SHE LOVES THEM (*vomits into a bush*)
2. Chloe, QUEEN OF THE HARPIES
3. Aisha, for never ever caring, not even a little bit
4. Helen, for growing and changing and becoming a trashier, less God-fearing person
5. Renay, for telling Spencer to fuck off
Notice how none of them are in the final? (Tabby would be closer though. Like, number 8 or something compared to whatever high teen placement Khloe’s taking up).
Anyway, we begin with a brief reminder that two and a half months ago, 24 grown women congregated in the South Of France to compete for the love of Spencer Matthews. Now their numbers have been whittled down to 2 – Tabby the neurotic make-up artist and Khloe the brittle PA. According to BVM they are bitter rivals fighting with every last drop of blood they have in their bodies in a Winner Takes All showdown. I’d like to watch the show he’s been watching. Khloe interviews that she’s never felt the sort of connection she’s felt with Spencer with any other human being in her life before ever. Tabby interviews that she really fancies Spencer and she really likes Spencer and she wants a relationship with Spencer. Her tone is rather like one of those people rushing through the marketing questions on a phone questionnaire so she can get to the part where her name is entered into a free prize draw to win a trip to the Antilles.
IT’S TIME FOR THE BACHELOR TO MAKE HIS CHOICE!
…in 45 minutes.
We’re back in the tropical islands of the Bahamas, where The Bachelor’s quest for love has reached its final chapter. Yes, Spencer and Khloe live happily ever after, THE END. He interviews that at the start of the competition, all he could hope for was finding some sort of connection with someone. High ideals. And he’s not managed that, but he’s quite happy to play out whatever sort of Prince & The Pauper sex fantasy the producers want him to. Not really, he says he’s found that connection AND SO MUCH MORE (ie blowjobs) with two beautiful girls (and one sexy motorcycle and a couple of slutty jet-skiis). He submerges himself in his hotel swimming pool and tries to look conflicted and serious. Which vintage champagne shall he spend the entire episode necking this week? Veuve Cliquot ’72 or Dom Perignon ’83?
THIS IS THE HARDEST DECISION HE’S EVER HAD TO MAKE THIS WEEK!
He recaps for our benefit – Khloe is a big character (she isn’t) and she has real fire in her (see a urologist), but Tabby is a more sensitive girl (/mopey cat lady) who is more artistic and a “softer soul” (/mopey cat lady who does watercolour paintings of her cats whilst singing “Moon River” off-key and pretending she’s Audrey Hepburn). As if to prove this, we cut to Tabby sat cross-legged on a sofa, repeatedly punching it and screeching “I WANT SPENCER TO BE MINE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!” with all the emotional finesse of a 6 year old denied their Honey Nut Loops. Khloe meanwhile stares out to sea and says she could potentially be walking away with an amazing person who she could start a beautiful relationship with, or she could be walking away with absolutely nothing.
Or, the third option, which is actually what happens.
Spencer emerges from his pool, still wearing those hideous pink shorts, and says that it’s really neck-and-neck between the girls, and he really needs someone who he trusts to come and help him decide. Is it Conservative Future, with their new album, ready to trap another unsuspecting Bachelor girl in their Cupboard of Love (And Non-Consensual Turkey-Slapping)? Is it Spencer’s Hot Mum? No, happily, it is Spencer’s Mental Cousin Sally, single-handedly redeeming this entire episode.
I think it’s a sign of this show’s decline that last year we got Gavin’s entire family crammed into a hotel, casting judgment, whereas this year we’ve just got some psycho Kissing Cousin with haystack hair and boggly eyes. On the other hand, I’m guessing the Family Gavbot were more in need of a free holiday than Mr & Mrs Matthews. Given that they probably own St Kitts & Nevis. Anyway, Cousin Sally is basically Rita Skeeter on cocaine and highballs, here to interrogate the girls into the family bosom. I think her eyes move and bulge about more in one episode than Spencer’s crotch has all series. She is LOVING every second of this, which is a nice contrast to the sour, pinched, Blue Steel, very sexy migraine vibe of everyone else. She interviews that she’s HUGELY PROTECTIVE of Spencer and she wants to make sure both girls are here for the Right Reasons.
Does anyone want to speculate on Cousin Sally’s Right Reasons for being here? If you said “trying to inveigle her way into the cast of Made In Chelsea” than congratulations, you are right. Although aren’t those the ACTUAL Right Reasons anyway?
She wants to make sure the girls know their own hearts and haven’t just been swept up by the glamour of Channel 5’s “The Bachelor”. HA, nice one Crazy Cousin Sally. BVM breaks in at this point to say that each remaining girl has one giant question mark over their head. I hope it’s full of gunge. What an ending. She and Spencer meet by the pool, and he tells Cousin Sally that he has sought her counsel, as she has known him since he was born. Cousin Sally pulls proper “Hand That Rocks The Cradle” face to indicate that this is true and she has also single-handedly kept him in cocaine and motorbikes ever since. He asks that Cousin Sally imagine him dating both of them, then tell him which of them would fit best with him and “how he operates” and “his character”.
What a loaded question. I know how I’d answer it.
First to face Cousin Sally is Tabby. Spencer informs Cousin Sally that Tabby is really good-looking, and Cousin Sally will probably fancy her herself (and what a week on Hollyoaks : Later that would be. Lots of Tabby running panting round a deserted mansion whilst Cousin Sally chases after her with a sex-knife, both saying “FUCK” and “BOOBS” a lot). Spencer wonders, however, if Tabby will still have a strong bond with him away from the glamorous locations and the exciting toys. Yes, Tabby’s affection does seem entirely dependent on his ability to procure a hot-air balloon WTF?
Cousin Sally welcomes Tabby to her pool-side seat, like a pastel-printed Hannibal Lecter, as we see Tabby panicking over the prospect of meeting one of Spencer’s family. She was expecting it to happen at some point, but now the moment’s arrived, she’s RILLY NERVOUS. Oh it’s only a cousin Tabby, calm down. Having said that, Cousin Sally then stares directly into Tabby’s face with the intensity of a blissed-up laser beam and gushes “HOW HAS IT BEEN SO FAR, IT’S PROBABLY BEEN A MASSIVE JOURNEY FOR YOU!”. Don’t answer your own questions Cousin Sally – first rule of journalism school. Second rule being “always spend half the interview talking about where you’re meeting the person, in an attempt to bag some freebies from them”. Tabby agrees that it has been a journey, and also a whirlwind of emotions. Cousin Sally begs Tabby to tell her the details of her dates with Spencer, and Tabby says they were amazing. In one of them she went up in a helicopter! And in another she went up in a hot air balloon! Cousin Sally’s eyes light up and says “THAT’S AMAZING!” like she doesn’t routinely take her helicopter out to pick up some Haribo from the 24 hour Tesco.
She asks Tabby if she can see herself with Spencer, and Tabby says yes, because there’s just something about him. He really GRASPS her. How 50 Shades Of Grey/Sylvia Plath. Cousin Sally at this point detaches herself entirely from reality, gives Tabby the sort of look you only get in a club at 3:30am, bobs her head up and down like Churchill The Nodding Dog, and tells her that Spencer is really looking for a COMPANION IN LIFE who he can LOVE. Tabby looks at Cousin Sally, I think realising how out of her fucking tree she is, and says “erm…yeah…me too…I too…am looking for that” *inches away*. Cousin Sally closes by her interview by yelling “IT’S BEEN LOVELY TO MEET YOU, GIVE ME A CUDDLE!” and then hugs Tabby like she just agreed to donate a kidney to save Spencer’s life. Maybe she thinks that’s what this show is really about, underneath the shell facade outside.
I also think she sniffs Tabby’s hair, but I couldn’t swear to it.
Tabby interviews that she was absolutely shitting herself (metaphorically) because she really wants to impress Spencer’s family. Also because Cousin Sally smelled of horse-piss and bipolar disorder. Cousin Sally interviews that she REALLY LIKED Tabby but she seemed more reserved than the type of person Spencer normally goes for. It was lovely to meet her though. I’m sure the feeling is mutual.
Next up, it’s Khloe’s turn, and I think we all know what the question mark hanging over her head is yes? That’s right, it’s time to TALK ABOUT BALOTELLI SOME MORE. Fortunately Cousin Sally even makes this interesting, by pulling “I’M INTRIGUED! TELL ME MORE!” face, like she even knows what football is. When Spencer tells her that Khloe sold her stories to the papers, Cousin Sally actually does a gay-gasp and tells Spencer she is DETERMINED to get to the bottom of this with the most tragic *serious face* I’ve ever seen. Khloe interviews that she’s really nervous, for a change. She says that this meeting is really important to her, because family means everything to her, and she knows it does to Spencer as well. That’s why the only family member he’s managed to persuade to appear is Cousin Mental here.
Khloe stomps up to Cousin Sally, and they kiss-kiss hello. Of course Cousin Sally leads off with “that thing about that footballer” and Khloe snivels that it’s been REALLY HARD for her. Oh boo-hoo. Cousin Sally then does her best Vanessa Feltz chat-show pose (hands clasped, hip wedged into the side of her chair, bum sticking out, legs crossed harder than a nutcracker’s grip, boobs shoved forwards, FACE OF CONCERN) then says “why’s that, my love?”. I love her so much. I hope she was the 25th girl and then the producers revealed that it’d be too weird, even for this show. Khloe says it’s been hard because she was really nervous about telling Spencer, but he seems fine with it. Cousin Sally says “YEAH!” in the most patronising tone of voice possible, like she’s surprised Khloe is capable of forming coherent syllables, and tells her that it’s really great she managed to summon up the courage to tell Spencer. After 8 episodes. Well done her. (*Cousin Sally imagines receiving her Pulitzer for this stunning work of anthropological interviewing*).
Khloe then says that trust means everything to her in a relationship, and she really wants to be honest about everything from the start (/8 episodes in). Cousin Sally asks Khloe how it would feel if she weren’t chosen, then pulls “ERP!” face with the corner of her mouth, just to represent to Khloe visually the answer she wants her to give, to help her. Such a journalist. Khloe says that she’d be heartbroken, then feels the need to say that she’s not actually in love with Spencer yet though. Cousin Sally hoots and asks Khloe if she’s ever been in love (or whatever the working class equivalent is. Bingo? Chips? Dog-Fights?) and Khloe says no. Cousin Sally hoots again that this is just because Khloe is YOUNG, so young, how young are you darling, 21, oh that’s fabulous (*flicks hair*), well I’m sure love will come to you in the future.
Khloe interviews that Spencer has obviously told Cousin Sally about HER PAST, but that’s fine, because everyone has a past, and of course the first thing anybody does when they’re in a relationship is spill all their partner’s most traumatic, emotional, and shameful moments to their cousin. It’s only normal. Family means everything. Back poolside, Cousin Sally says it’s great to meet Khloe, and also demands a cuddle, although less fulsomely than she did with Tabby, lest she catch cholera or diptheria or dropsy or whatever diseases they have in Manchester.
It’s time for Cousin Sally to give her feedback, her “intelligence gathering” (thanks BVM) complete. She tells Spencer that Tabby truly cares for and loves Spencer, and she’s very well suited to Spencer’s social group but she is very sensitive. Cousin Sally doesn’t see that as a negative thing necessarily, but it is something they need to consider, especially after that girl who crashed Spencer’s Ferrari into a wall after she got the bonds loose. Such a mess. Khloe’s feedback just consists of Cousin Sally simpering patronisingly that Khloe was very young and very foolish when she made her mistake, but there’s absolutely no chance whatsoever that she’s here for the wrong reasons. She did, however, “pick up on” the fact that Khloe’s never been in love. Spencer grim-faces and asks if Khloe was in fact stressing that she could fall in love with Spencer when she said that she’d never loved anyone, and Cousin Sally’s all “sure, why not?”. Cousin Sally grins, tells Spencer that both girls are lovely, and that he’s got great taste. They then chink their champagne glasses to evil, Cousin Sally leaves, and all my interest in this episode leaves with her, the mad bint.
A new day dawns in the Bahamas, and apparently this “signals the start of the Endgame”. Thank Christ for that. Just one more date for each girl, then Spencer will make his decision. He interviews that he has feelings for two very different girls, and it’s still unclear to him which one he should pick. Did the producers telephone get cut off in a storm or something? Khloe applies her eyelashes, and Tabby sits listlessly on her bed, picking at her nails. She interviews that she really wants a relationship now, because she’s truly ready for one after a bit of a drought, and she really thinks Spencer is the one she wants to be with.
I think that’s a fair sign that you’re not actually ready at all.
BVM tells us that Tabby might be ready, but it’s Khloe who will have the chance to land (/give) the first blow as its her up first, to go on what may be (/will be) her last ever date with The Bachelor. She interviews that she’s in a positive mood, and trying to put less make up on, so Spencer can see what she looks like in her day-to-day life. Needless to say, I can’t see any difference from how she normally looks. Tabby interviews that she hates the thought of Khloe with Spencer and she wishes she could just tell Khloe to GO AWAY. Because Tabby DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE OF THIS. Tabby is really MUFFING, FUPPING, FUDGEING sick of Khloe. What a…wait…she’s going to say it…WHAT A MINGE.
I wish she’d cut loose and swear and scream like she did in that one fight they had far too long ago. This is weak sauce. Khloe meanwhile is interviewing “Tabby Who?” which would be a lot more cutting if even someone who recapped this show in far too much detail for over two months of his life could remember her surname, which I can’t. I keep getting her mixed up with Big Brother 11 and wanting to call her Shabby.
BVM tells us that any lingering doubts about Khloe’s Kiss And Tell have now been banished. Erm…they have? Because Cousin Sally said so? Oh, ok. Unless you mean “the doubt that she might not spew kiss and tells everywhere the second the show ends, providing Spencer with delicious attention and publicity” in which case, well done show, because it looks from her twitter feed that she’s about to. Maybe that’s why she ends up winning?
Anyway, we recap Khloe’s epic Bachelor journey so far (I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m nervous, STOP TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m like a little girl, LET’S PLAY SPENCER CLOSES HIS EYES IN THE HOT TUB AND THEN WE ALL WANK HIM OFF AND HE HAS TO GUESS WHICH ONE OF US DID IT ME FIRST, I’m scared, I’m scared, STOP TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS, I’m so nervous, I’m scared, FUCK YOU TABBY YOU FAKE-TITTIE HO, I’m scared, I’m scared, I feel like an 8 year old girl when I’m around Spencer, *vomits into hedge* OH BY THE WAY I SHAGGED BALOTELLI AND SOLD THE STORY, I’m a good girl I am, I’m a good girl I am, I’m so nervous, I’m a good girl I am, The End) and she starts talking about her future with Spencer. Spencer for his part tells us that for this date he wants to put the bare minimum of effort in.
Makes a change.
Apparently he and Khloe are going to spend a night at his villa, cooking their own food like normal people might, and swimming in their vast swimming pool like a normal couple also might. He explains all this to Khloe who proclaims it to be “amazing”. Oh God, Khloe aim higher.
Also just like a normal couple might? Spencer gives Khloe an erotic topless massage whilst soft porn music plays and cameramen watch. The hall mark of so many of my relationships. They “banter”, with Spencer threatening to take Khloe’s pants off on national tv, and repeatedly punching her in the back, and calling her a great big slab of meat. Khloe giggles constantly. So romantic. We then reach the part of the massage where Khloe starts making orgasm noises. Faboo. Spencer tells her that she looks beautiful tonight without all that make-up she normally wears, and Khloe proclaims that she is just doing her natural day-to-day thing. Sorry, she’s still absolutely caked in the stuff, let’s not present her as some sort of Dove advert of purity. She tells Spencer that this sort of chilled out alone-time with Spencer, as she lies there with her boobs hanging out and a sore back and the cameraman tries to sneak a nip-slip, is what she’s wanted all along in this competition.
Massage over, it’s time to make cocktails. Happily, these are actually cocktails, not the “cocktails” of all those pre-Rose Ceremony “cocktail parties”. Oh and cooking, as Spencer chops a tomato and Khloe acts like he’s splitting the atom. Or something she’d actually be excited by. Spencer cooks her some steaks, as the whole show turns into a rather wretched Sainsburys advert, right down to the chill-out music. Spencer interviews, in an effort to make us like him and think he’s normal (FAR too late for that) says that this is the best it’s been all series- not flying around in a helicopter, or bombing around on a speedboat, or jet-setting around Europe, but just chilling at home like you common people. In his villa. His palatial. With its massage table and its cocktail lounge and its giant professional grill and Olympic sized Swimming pool. Such a nice, normal guy.
The pair of them settle down to eat, and Spencer tells Khloe she looks beautiful. They cover what feelings Khloe would have if she lost, and Khloe says she’d be heartbroken, especially now when she’s being 1,000,000% herself. Wow, that’s a lot of Khloe to handle. Especially as she doesn’t seem materially different from how she normally is. Hmm…what number could you have one million % of, and still wind up with the same number. Because Khloe is apparently that number. Juss sayin’
We also rehash Khloe telling Cousin Sally that she’s never been in love before. Khloe admits she hasn’t and Spencer simmers, in the manner of a man positively BRIMMING at the thought of shagging a virgin, as Khloe says that she doesn’t feel like she’s been that special person for anybody who she’s dated so far. How indicative that Khloe’s idea of loving someone hinges entirely on how much they like her, like love works like that. AND THIS IS HOW THE SEX INDUSTRY HAPPENS. Or something. Spencer tells Khloe that he realised on their speed date way back in episode 1 that Khloe was a girl who was looking for love, and also a girl who wants what he wants. HOLY MUTUAL EXCLUSIVITY, BATMAN. Khloe’s all “I can’t explain it, but I’m so HAPPY! WHEEE!”. She tells Spencer that he’s a great guy and he’s gorgeous looking and all that, as she leans away from him so hard that she practically nuts herself on a villa pillar.
As the date winds down, Spencer says he really feels himself around Khloe and that he can really see things developing. Back at the table he tells Khloe that she’d be “really easy to love”. I think that’s Spencer’s substitute for “I love you” because…well I don’t think he’d say it. How sad that I think there are depths even The Bachelor wouldn’t stoop to. I’m so naive. Especially as the next thing he says is “can you come here please?” so he can kiss her. Which he does. Ew. Yes daddy. Khloe and Spencer kiss a lot, as substitute for an actual conversation. Khloe interviews that in her head there’s no other girls, just Khloe and Spencer, girlfriend & boyfriend, on holiday, and she hopes things will be the same tomorrow. They then jump in the pool and snog some more and tell one another that it’s been an amazing day over and over again, because that makes it true. Khloe tells Spencer that next time he sees her, it’ll be crunch time. Well, Spencer certainly hopes so anyway. GIT DAT CRUNCH.
It’s time now for Tabby’s date. Spencer says that it’s interesting, because the first solo date he had on the show was with Tabby, and now here they are again. Yes, it’s almost as though she’s following Laila Moomintroll’s story-arc exactly isn’t it? BVM says it’s almost time for Spencer to make his decision, bringing “joy unconfined” to one girl and leaving the other with only memories and broken dreams. Oh BVM you sarcy bitch. I’ll miss you. Spencer says that on paper he and Tabby are more compatible, but the level of comfort and humour he and Khloe share is hard to beat. Yeah, yeah, tell it to Cousin Sally. Tabby interviews that she’s going crazy and she’s fed up with having to fight all the time, and then we recap her Bachelor journey (needy, needy, needy, MY BLOOD PRESSURE, needy, SUPER NEEDY, needy, needy, needy, needy, needy, YOU DON’T KNOW ME AND YOU FINK YOU FAHCKING DO, needy, needy, holding back her dad from kicking Spencer in the nuts, needy, bored, needy, THE END).
Spencer interviews that he had previously worried that his bond with Tabby had plateaud, but that time they spent on the jet-ski really blew that theory out the water. I wonder why. Anyway he now wants to find out if they can keep developing as a couple, on their final date. They meet on the beach, where they kiss, and Spencer tells Tabby that her dress looks nice. Tabby then announces that she couldn’t sleep all last night, and she’s written him a letter. Yeah, because that worked so well for Ginger Carrie last year. She also tells Spencer that she had a dream about him (when she…wasn’t sleeping) but she’s not going to tell him what it was about. Is that because he kept on morphing into Richard Madeley whilst you were doing it Tabby? Go on, admit it, it totally was.
They then sit around talking about what sort of cheese they both are, because they’re both WACKY AND RANDOM like that, and then they kiss some more. Tabby then yells “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME, FUCKING HELL, KILL ME”. Yeah, she’s doing a great job of throwing out every single flag indicating why she might be a bit of a pain in the arse to date isn’t she? They lie down, she compliments him on his puppy dog eyes, and then they kiss some more. Again. Then Spencer sticks his face in her tits. He interviews that there’s a lot of emotion flying around tonight, and says that things just went from “there” (*puts hand at chin height*) to “THERE!” (*puts hand at eyebrow height*). Given what a midget shortarse Spencer notoriously is, I’m not sure that means much. He says that Tabby always makes him feel like he’s on a first date with her, and he really wants to impress her and say the right things. Like “I’d really like to listen to your demo tape” Tabby, probably.
They retreat to a beach-side pagoda to eat dinner/horribly patronise their waiter. Spencer tells Tabby that she always gives him first date nerves, and then Tabby says she also feels nervous around him. They then talk about nerves are a sign of TRUE LOVE, of course they are, definitely, at least on this show. Tabby asks Spencer if he’s trying to impress her, and Spencer says of course he is. His heart feels warm around Tabby. Must be all the wine he’s knocking back. Tabby says it’s so crazy, the way she feels about Spencer, as she stares at her crotch. Spencer then tells her that she’s at her most beautiful right now, mumbling into her cleavage, just because of how vulnerable she is. He tells her that she’s made this whole experience worthwhile for him, just because he met her. Yeah, I’m sure that’s made it all worth it. Tabby tells him that she doesn’t want things to end, and then a massive wind suddenly blows up, like she’s actually using magical witchy power to prevent it happening. She tells Spencer that she’s suddenly not hungry any more and she wants to just lose it. Go crazy.
At this point, if I were Spencer, I’d be genuinely worried that she was a sea-witch/that Sandra Bernhard character from King Of Comedy. Or excited, because that’s an amazing film. Fortunately for Spencer, the wild OUT OF CONTROL antics Tabby has in mind are titting around in the sea a bit and having a few pokey kisses. WIIIIIIIIIIILD. They both interview that there’s a real spark here and they don’t want things to end and this all feels good blah blah blah.
Night falls, and Spencer and Tabby retreat to the bath. A bubble bath, where they roll around in rose petals, sniffing the bubbles and kissing and touching one another under the water. What I wouldn’t give for Cousin Sally to pop out between the pair of them wearing a snorkel and goggles. They chat more about Tabby’s dream about Spencer, and Spencer then says “as your boyfriend, don’t I have a right to know your dreams?”. Erm…no? Anyway, Spencer tells Tabby that he’ll read her letter later, when he’s alone. *wink* Yeah, I don’t think it’s going to be that sort of letter Spencer. He tells Tabby that writing a letter is very creative, and then Tabby leans back into the bubbly waters, looks at Spencer suggestively and breaths, huskily, “I’m a creative person”.
Tabby interviews that it was really quite intimate when she and Spencer had a bath. In their swimming costumes. Then they kiss some more and Spencer tries to not get a boner. Fortunately for him, he’s about to read Tabby’s letter, which I will now mercilessly transcribe right here :
Spencer (AKA sixpence/spenceward) Spenny
As I’m writing this I’m laying in bed still half asleep in a dreamlike state, trying to write neatly as I know you think my writing is awful (sorry for that). I’m finding it a struggle to sleep as my mind is ever consumed with thoughts of this situation and you. (BTW – the dreams that I’ve been having about you are banging! HA HA)
Anyway…apart from being dazed and confused, I just wanted to let you know how I feel and that is that I really like you! I really hope to be the one you choose as I feel we could and will be great together. I rarely feel for anyone the way I feel for you and I don’t want to let it end. Whatever will be will be, but I would love you to be with me. Thank you for the amazing experiences, I will never forget them, but follow your heart and of course your head.
PS : It’s official, I am no longer cheddar, I am brie.
Spencer calls this “food for thought” then screws it up and throws it in the bin. Probably.
Tabby interviews that she really really really really really really really really really really really wants the winner to be her, and she will be devastated if it’s not.
IT’S TIME! TO FACE! THE MATTHEWS! He grooms himself, and tells us all that his life is going to change, depending on the girl he picks. On the one hand there is Khloe, who is a “big character”, from the School of Hard Knock(ers) who REALLY LIVES, and on the other there is Tabby who is a slow-burning, less passionate, but fairer prospect. It’s a very important decision, and it’s IMPERATIVE that he gets it right. Yeah, totally.
Tabby is at this moment on the verge of tears on the beach. She tells us that she wants to know if she can be happy or if she can cry and then move on. Or, as is more likely, both. And several more random emotions beside. Khloe is also crying in a very ugly fashion, about how she’s never felt like she’s second best, but she has always felt like she’s not good enough. To summarise : I think I’m a disgusting skag, but all other women are somehow worse than me boo hoo I should win.
IT’S NO WONDER SHE’S MY FAVOURITE!
Spencer gives his final interview before THE EVENT. He tells us that he’s made his decision based on who he looks forwards to seeing the most every day. You know, because of the fear.
First to hear her fate is Tabby. Spencer (at this point looking like a twisted bollock, and the shade of a bruise, going out on a high) tells her that she’s one of the most naturally beautiful people he’s ever met and they’ve had the most amazing times together. When he first met her he was blown away by her beauty and he still makes her feel so nervous. Like a teenager in fact. He feels like he needs to impress her and make her like him. Which, frankly, is not the natural order of things, and far too much effort, BYE. Fortunately the pain of him rejecting her is headed off slightly by the fact that she sees it coming a mile off, and has already worked through every stage of the grieving process before he even gets the words out of his mouth, which means she’s pissed off and over him already. Spencer tells her that he’s really sorry, no REALLY, he just has stronger feelings for someone else.
His refusal to say “Khloe” here did leave me briefly to hope for an amazing TWIST ENDING on a par with the first series, and that Cousin Sally was about to walk out from Villa Spencer, naked as the day she was born, like Close My Eyes or something, then telling Tabby that “NOBODY TAKES MY SPENCER AWAY FROM ME” before shanking her to death.
That or a motorbike.
Anyway, Tabby and Spencer have a bitter little contretemps where she tells him she really thinks there might have been a connection there under the stupid television veneer, but the fact that he’s picked Khloe, a girl he has nothing in common with, doesn’t respect at all, and who has conversations with him that consist solely of “giggle giggle, I’m scared” shows her what a fakey load of bullshit this has been all along OH WELL. They kiss kiss goodbye, as he tries to look sad and she just looks bored. I admire her capacity to process this whole mess at the speed she’s doing, and snapping out of her Stockholm Syndrome STAT. Bye Tabby. I think I would have liked you properly if I’d encountered you on a reality show not geared around situations where I imagine you’d be at your most annoying ie MEN. Maybe Fame Academy?
Anyway, it’s time for Khloe to win. I’ve heard a lot of people comparing this to Cawwianne’s victory, and I would like to rebutt on the following lines :
a) Cawwianne was AMAZING, and Khloe is AWFUL. Cawwianne created drama, shagged a cameraman, sounded like Joe Pasquale, swore at the other girls, wrote romantic poetry containing the word “amazeballs”, flicked the vs at everyone, caused half the cast to quit, came from a post-apocalyptic block of flats presided over by her own mother like Auntie Entity from Mad Max 3, and took part in the most tense bout of pizza making I’ve EVER SEEN. All of Khloe’s drama was because of stuff that happened months ago, and only got brought up at the end, and was boring, apart from that one fight she had with Tabby which was spoilt by the camera crew not being ready to capture it properly. Other than that she was miserable and dull and dressed like T4 fell on her.
b) Not a single soul thought Cawwianne would win. Not one. I don’t think anyone was excited by a Laila Moomintroll win, but we were comfortable in its inevitability. Cawwianne winning was fresh and exciting and weird. I’ve seen people predicting this solely off the back of it is how revolutionary last year was. Also Tabby leaving a comment here (YES IT WAS HER, LEAVE ME ALONE) kind of tipped me the wink a little, because winners never do that sort of thing.
c) Spencer and Khloe clearly don’t go together AT ALL, and this is some sort of unholy combination of Channel 5 pandering to who they think its audience is (ie girls like Khloe), the most pre-famous contestant winning, the contestant mostly likely to keep the controversy gravy train running, and mostly probably picking someone who the audience aren’t really going to care about getting fucked over by the fact that Spencer had a girlfriend (who he stole from his best friend apparently) all along. Gavin & Cawwianne on the other hand are EXACTLY the sort of fizzly one year crap relationship that happens between slab slebs all the time.
d) I reiterate, Cawwianne was AMAZING.
Anyway, Spencer presents Khloe with a relationship (that by all accounts, NEVER HAPPENED, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT after the show finished, like at least with Cawwianne they pretended) like he’s just knocked on her door to tell her her numbers on the pools just came up. Khloe looks giddy, Spencer looks smug, he tells Khloe she’s “really made him feel himself” “It Girl” by Jason Derulo plays Jesus Wept, PEACE OUT.
(Coda : LOL. Not at the fact that neither of them bothered even to pretend to take this result seriously, because DUH, but at “another blonde female”. Poor The Other Chloe)