In which, ironically, the sole remaining brunette is betrayed by her roots.
After 7 glorious episodes in sunny Southern Europe, we find ourselves back with a bump in England, as Spencer wanders mournfully through a Chelsea market. You can tell this clip was filmed before the series even started though, as Spencer’s hair is all crusted up and rigid, Fido Dido style, not the greasy margarine slick it has become. In interview, he tells us that he’s been on a great journey through the South of France and Italy, and done some amazingly romantic things. Who can forget when he watched some girls kayaking? Or watched some girls playing golf? Or watched some girls play tug-of-war dressed as the Ice Warriors? Beautiful moments, that will last a lifetime. Now he’s down to the final four girls and he has REAL FEELINGS for all of them. Yes, even Khloe. Powerful feelings. But now decisions MUST BE MADE.
BVM breaks in to tell us all that in only a few days time, Spencer will be taking three of the girls to the Bahamas where “true love surely beckons”. That or 7 Goombay Smashes followed by a quickie in a sand-dune. If it was good enough for Cawwianne… To help Spencer decide who will accompany him on his Island Adventure, he’s going to spend some time with the families of the remaining contestants. Family is really important to Spencer. Apparently. Well, that’s what he says anyway. So he’s going to travel around the country, seeing if anybody’s got any fit sisters.
First on the itinerary – Tabby’s house, which is in the middle of the Suffolk countryside. Spencer wanders up a country road, as we cut to an interview with Tabby herself, who is hilariously scrubbed up for this meeting. She no longer looks like the cover of Appetite For Destruction as drawn by an 11 year old. It’s a step in the…well a step in *a* direction anyway. She says she’s looking forward to seeing Spencer today, because she’s missed him, and that she hopes it all goes well. She’s there to meet him at the front door, and he takes the piss out of her for being dressed like a normal Home Counties gel. You can, of course, still see her bra though. She asks Spencer if he likes her house and he says “it’s so charming”.
BVM reminds us that Tabby has been the frontrunner from the very first episode, mostly because if she ever looked like she wasn’t going to be, even for a second, she had a fit of the vapors and screamed about her low blood-pressure until Spencer gave her a solo date and three roses. We cover how she developed her own habit of granting Spence white roses in return for his red ones, and also how she held back from snogging him for a whole four episodes or so, a feat of celibacy rivalling only Ann Widdecombe. Also, they went up in a balloon. Tabby says she’s really attracted to Spencer, and Spencer says he loves Tabby’s style and general attitude to life.
They settle down in Tabby’s garden with her father, mother, sister and brother for a middle-class picnic of potatoes, salad, lots of booze, and a giant glazed ham. But that’s enough about Tabby, there’s also a joint of pork on the table (A HA HA HA HA). Tabby interviews that she fully expects her dad to be an overbearing psychopath, grilling Spencer about his “intentions” for Tabby. Happily he is, spending the whole meal glowering at Spencer like Hannibal Lecter stuck in a traffic jam, and asking him such pertinent questions as “what contribution do you make to society?” and “do you have a belief system?”, whilst Tabby fiddles with both her and his shirts. I love Tabby’s dad.
(Spencer’s answers incidentally are “what, like charity work or something?” and “I just try to be a nice genuine person”)
BVM announces that “lesser men might wilt under the onslaught, but The Bachelor is an old hand when it comes to meeting prospective in-laws”. He shows this by saying “you’re looking good mate”, a compliment which Mr Tabby grins at like a shark about to devour a fishing boat. Tabby says that it’s probably because her dad does lots of martial arts stuff. Mr Tabby asks Spencer if he does any martial arts (because he might need to in a minute) and Spencer says he once did a bit of boxing, but just for general fitness purposes. He never actually hit anyone. Mr Tabby asks if he wants to have a bare-knuckle bout round the back of the greenhouse, and Mrs Tabby admonishes her husband in true Beano Mum fashion. Mr Tabby grins at Spencer that he’s just trying to protect Tabby, and then interviews that he’s seriously concerned for his daughter’s welfare. Bit late for that.
Back to the garden picnic now, and before Mr Tabby gobbles up Spencer’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, Mrs Tabby takes Spencer to one side for a heart-to-heart chat about Tabby. She wants to know what Spencer likes about her daughter, and Spencer replies that he thinks she’s really beautiful, and also comfortable in her own skin. Mrs Tabby wants to know what Spencer thinks is the most important part of any romantic relationship, and Spencer replies good fuel economy and a high cc. That and “honesty”. Pfft. Spencer says that if two people can tell one another everything, that means they’re really well suited. He’s saying this with such aggressively positive body language that he’s practically kneeing Mrs Tabby in her tits.
Mrs Tabby then interviews that Spencer isn’t the type Tabby usually goes for – she’s normally more interested in guys in bands, with long hair, tattoos, a leather jacket, and a beard. I’M SO SURPRISED. Apparently Spencer seems like more of a gentleman than that but “we’ll see”. Oh you so will Mrs Tabby.
The picnic over with, Tabby and Spencer retreat to Tabby’s chicken coop for a post mortem. They both giggle nervously about how utterly terrifying Tabby’s dad is, and have a bit of a frot by the feed trough. Spencer interviews that it’s lovely to have intimacy with Tabby again, even if it is surrounded by bird shit. It doesn’t matter where he and Tabby are, the feelings will still remain the same. And if some of those locations are in aspirational locations the show can shill holidays to, with temperatures necessitating clothing the show can also shill, ALL THE BETTER. Tabby interviews that she feels really attached to Spencer now that things have got PERSONAL. Especially so for her dad by the looks of it. She hopes Spencer is walking away imagining their future together.
I’m guessing it involves the words “as far away from Suffolk as possible”.
Next up? It’s Jess, whose family lives in rural Wiltshire. There’s cows and everything. Speaking of bovine ruminants, Jess herself pops up to say that she hopes the spark is still there between herself and Spencer, even with her mother and her sister there. That’s going to be one crowded hot tub. She says that people do say that if you want to know what a girl you’re dating is going to look like in 30 years time, you should look at her mother. And Jess thinks her mum is well sexy, so she’s definitely got an advantage there.
Hands up who thinks Spencer’s going to need to know what Jess is going to look like in 30 years time. Mmm hmmm.
BVM reminds us that Jess stood out from an early stage because she dropped her knickers quicker than a vicar’s wife after a dodgy curry. Then nothing else happened until a generic “romantic dinner” on a rooftop in Pisa where they didn’t really seem to speak, just slopped all over one another’s faces. Yeah, Jess’ Bachelor story is a fascinating one. Spencer interviews that Jess isn’t as forthcoming or open (/as much of a reality tv cartoon trainwreck) as the other girls and he’s (/the producers are) worried that they might slip into friendship (/actually get on and not cause drama).
Spencer and Jess meet outside a B & B, her with an orange juice and him with…well it looks like water, but water has no alcohol content, so we all know that can’t be true. They talk aimlessly about how nice it must be to be home. Jess clarifies for Spencer that he’ll just be meeting her mum and sister today, because her step-dad is off working in Saudi Arabia. Spencer breathes a huge sigh of relief, and explains to Jess that after being caught by Mr Tabby in the chicken coop, he’s down to only one functioning kidney, and he can’t afford to lose the other.
To be fair to Jess, her mum is pretty fit. She’s waiting to meet Spencer on her leatherette sofa, with Jess’ younger sister Bryony. They all shake hands and hug and are very nice and polite. Until everyone’s sat down and Mrs Jessannounces her desire to have Spencer bone her. Well…her husband is off in the Saudi Arabias. Jess grins “she’s looking for her next victim!” then stares daggers at her mum. Mrs Jess says that she was surprised Jess went for a much younger man (meow), but then she met Spencer, and she can see he’s very…mature. (*waggles eyebrows*).
Within about 5 seconds, Mrs Jess has dragged Spencer off to the garden, as the camera pans to an artful looking figurine of a ballerina bending over backwards, as to show off her vagina to maximal effect. Both Jess and Bryony sit and look vaguely panicked and twitter about whether their mum is currently trying to cop off with one of their boyfriends. I’ve got a feeling this conversation is running on some pretty well grooved tracks.
Meanwhile, Mrs Jess is asking Spencer what he likes about Jess, and Spencer replies it’s that they’ve had a “natural form of connection from the start”. The oldest form of connection in fact. He says they’ve got great chemistry, and he’d like to see if he can build on that. Mrs Jess then plays the following blinder :
Mrs Jess : Is there anything you don’t like, or which might become a problem?
Spencer : I once dated a cruise-ship dancer like Jess, and we broke up because she was off pursuing a career all the time, and I felt neglected, so I’m a bit worried that Jess…
Mrs Jess : Oh yeah, all of Jess’ past relationships broke up because of that. Well, the few relationships she’s even managed to get off the ground without me immediately entangling them in my web of Mrs Robinson middle-aged sexuality. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SEDUCE YOU SPENCER, IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO TELL ME?
Something like that anyway. I think Mrs Jess would probably have made a much better Bachelor contestant than Jess did. She’s certainly got a good eye for utterly demolishing her rivals chances. I’d like to see her go up against Chloe.
Mrs Jess done eliminating her daughter from the competition, Jess and Spencer sit down by the river on a bedsheet and some cushions. Jess asks him if he thinks her mum is cool, and Spencer awkwardly twiddles his fingers and says that he and Mrs Jess got along… quite well. I’ll say. Jess asks if he was trying to score with her mum. Spencer says no. Jess asks if her mum was trying to score with him. He says “a little…yeah…I liked it” before assuring her that it definitely wasn’t serious. I think Jess probably knows her mum better than you Spencer.
He then makes Jess promise that she’ll never ever try and have a career, and Jess says that she’s getting a little bit old for all that “dreams and aspirations” stuff anyway. Hence…her presence on this show I guess. Spencer then gets into “will you sign in blood that even if Simon Cowell offers you £1,000,000 to be an X Factor mentor after everyone gets sick of Nicole Shitsinger that you will still turn up to do lame romantic photoshoots in OK Magazine with me?” territory and Jess tells him, very nicely, to fuck off. Seriously, I think of everyone on this show Jess understands the contractual nature of it best. I’m sure she’s got a great team of lawyers behind her. Sadly, now they’ll just have to be used for the emancipation proceedings sure to follow her brutal mumlimination.
Spencer interviews that he’s had a great day with Jess, and the spark is still there. Although it was somewhat dwarfed by the sparks shooting off the leaky battery OF SEX that is Mrs Jess. He and Jess kiss a bit, and then he wanders off. Jess interviews that her job on the cruise ships has got in the way of relationships before, even if the men have pretended to be cool with it in the beginning. But she doesn’t want that to be a reason for Spencer not to pick her. Oops.
Next up on Spencer Matthews’ Familypalooza ’12? It’s Chloe’s house in Hampshire, where according to Henry Higgins , hurricanes hardly ever happen. Not that you’d know it from the gale that’s currently blowing around Chloe’s house, where she’s stood looking furious with an umbrella, like some sort of nightmarish Mary Poppins. Yes children, cleaning one’s bedroom can become a DELIGHTFUL game but do you know what else is? POLE-DANCING! WOOT WOOT! They kiss-kiss hello, and Chloe demonstrates her deep understanding of the Bachelor’s soul in the fact that she’s nipped down to Threshers and grabbed some cheap bottles of plonk, which she’s got stuffed in a carrier bag. HOORAY FOR CHLOE!
BVM reminds us that Chloe’s first night on the show set the tone for her stay on the show as a whole, in that she openly mocked Spencer and acted like a hell-bitch to the other girls. Apparently this was a “cause for concern”, but somehow Chloe survived anyway, by the skin of her teeth, week after week, until she almost came up worse in a tussle with Born-Again Christian and Virgin Teetotaller Helen. But then she sang a song or something, and it was all ok again. Spencer interviews that Chloe has been one of the more catty girls, and he’s interested to see her around her family, to see if that side displays itself again. God knows how. “Pass the kettle chips mum, you fat bitch”?
Chloe drags Spencer and her bottle of Foet Shamdon into her living room, where her mum and sisters await with questions. They all have jet black hair which makes me ponder…many things. Sister 1 asks Spencer what he likes about Chloe, and Spencer replies that aside from her good looks (“which you all share f’nar waffle eyebrow f’nar”) he thinks they’ve got a lot in common. Chloe pulls faces at him constantly behind his back throughout this bit although…I think they’re positive faces.
We then get on to the best part of the meeting, which is the part where we discover that Chloe’s entire family were clearly fans of the first series, because they all start talking in terms of whether Chloe got stuck on group dates throughout, and how many solo dates other girls have had, and what’s her record in battle dates like? I can just imagine Chloe’s family sat watching the Gavbot series, hurling abuse at all the contestants and yelling “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” every time Morgan got saved. So my favourite contestant. Notably, Spencer barely gets a word in edgewise throughout the entire section, which makes it even better. Chloe interviews that this chat has reminded her that she hasn’t had a solo date with Spencer AT ALL yet, so she intends to claw out some time with him later on, and then one of her sisters interviews that she’s bet Chloe’s really glad to get this time alone with Spencer, whenever that’s about to happen. Some time soon. Once they’ve quizzed Spencer about what BVM’s really like and if they REALLY all live in a big villa together or if they get shoved into a Travelodge Italia every night. Spencer’s mum interviews that she thinks that Chloe and Spencer are twin souls. I interview that Chloe’s mum appears to be having real problems moving her forehead.
As Chloe’s mum leads Spencer off for a private chat, Chloe has a chat with her sisters. A chat with her sisters mostly to the end that she’s got no idea who Spencer is, but she’s in the Final Four so WAHEY! Just imagine what will happen when she actually spends time with him! Sister 1 says that Spencer seems like a good judge of character, so Chloe should be safe. Chloe near-spits back that Spencer seems to LIKE everyone and see the GOOD in them and SHIT like that, and it drives her mad. She then does a highly unflattering impersonation of someone (probably Jess, possibly Tabby, hopefully Khloe) acting the “wifey” for Spencer, sticking out their tits, putting on a little girl voice, and offering to pour his champagne for him, and tells her sisters that all the other girls act like that, whereas she is RILLY RILL.
In the kitchen, Mrs Chloe says that she just wants someone who will make her daughter happy, and Spencer says that he really gets on well with Chloe and they have a lot in common. Mrs Chloe then starts whittering on about soulmates and true love, as Spencer stares at the hob and ponders placing his palm directly on it, just to lessen the pain.
Back very quickly (…advertising space not selling well? Hmm…) and Chloe’s got Spencer up in her bedroom, with a bottle of wine on the go. I only count one cuddly toy in sight, which is fewer than I was expecting. Far fewer. They lounge on the duvet, and Spencer tells Chloe that he has grave concerns about her character. He thinks she is competitive, catty, and “stabby” to the other girls. I think Spencer has had a wee bit too much to drink. Anyway, he wants to know if Chloe’s like this generally, or if it’s just because she’s been part of a competitive process. Chloe replies that she’s only like that because she loves him so much (*barf*) and because all of the other contestants are so fucking awful that it’s really hard not to be (*applause*). They all just really FUCK HER OFF Spencer! And who can blame her? She admits she can be bitchy but…whatever, she’s just being honest.
Chloe then starts slurring about being an underdog, because she’s never been on an intimate date with Spencer, and also she’s never kissed him (*hint hint*). This is of course the cue for them to start pawing at one another on Chloe’s bed, amongst her Forever Friends. Spencer seems super into it. Super into it. We artfully pan to a candle, and then Chloe interviews that Spencer turned out to be a fantastic kisser, hoorah! Spencer interviews that Chloe officially just played her “First Kiss” card, so she’s safe for at least the next two episodes. Well done Chloe. A risky strategy, but it’s paid off, it seems…
And now…to Manchester. Where Khloe is stood in the driving rain, in the middle of the pavement, in a black pantsuit, looking a bit tragic. Spencer interviews that Khloe is a great girl, and he’s really looking forward to meeting her family and he’s sure they’re “big characters” just like she is, and he’s brought disinfectant and wetwipes, so it’ll all be FINE. Khloe on the other hand is twisting her legs around like a 6 year old who needs a wee, telling the camera that she’s going to be sick. Why? Well, she’s about to introduce Spencer to her dad and also…there’s a DARK SECRET TO REVEAL. She used to have a boyfriend who was….IN THE PUBLIC EYE.
Dunn dunn durrrrrrrrrrrn.
I hope it’s Simon From Blue. Again.
BVM reminds us that Khloe’s sort of…just been there from the start, and has forged a connection with Spencer that mostly revolves acting like she’s scared and in awe of him, apart from that one episode where she randomly laid into him over…I dunno…something to do with Renay. Shrug. Spencer interviews that he can definitely see a future with Khloe, although he sounds less than convinced.
He wanders through the Manchester suburbs, and then he and Khloe share their fifteenth conversation this series about how SCARED she is. This time though, I’ve got a feeling she means it. Well, you know, ish. She says “shit the bed”. Who could say “shit the bed” and NOT mean it? They walk, arm in arm, into Khloe’s garden, where they meet Khloe’s dad and younger brother for a cup of tea. Khloe’s younger brother shares his sister’s face, and also looks about as comfortable to be on television as any 13 year old would appearing on a show where his older sister competes for a shag. With one of the cast of Made In Chelsea. ON CHANNEL 5. Which is to say “not”. Khloe of course compounds this terror by asking him why he’s being so quiet. WHY DO YOU THINK?
They then have brother-sister banter about having not missed one another and about how Khloe demands he go and bring her her fake eyelashes and all her boyfriends are dicks and whatever. There is then “Football Banter”. Spencer asks Khloe’s Brother if he plays football. Khloe’s Brother says he does. Khloe’s Brother asks Spencer if he plays football. Spencer says that he prefers rugby, but he’s NOT GAY OR NOTHING so of course he plays football. Khloe’s Brother asks Spencer who he supports. Spencer says that he supports Chelsea. Khloe’s Dad demands his cup of tea back. Ah, straight men. Thereafter Mr Khloe is very paternal, saying how Khloe tells him everything, and always comes to her for advice, albeit without the edge of “I will break your fucking arms clean off” that Mr Tabby brought to it. Eventually, everyone stops pretending that it isn’t pissing down with rain directly onto their tea party, and move indoors.
Surrounded by photos of herself as a child, Khloe interviews merrily that this really feels like she’s bringing her boyfriend home to meet her dad! It does! She feels like asking Spencer if he wants to get into bed and watch a DVD. This is totally non-artificial and stilted and SO REAL Can you imagine Spencer climbing into a bed and watching a DVD? And no “Made In Chelsea Series 2” doesn’t count.
Whilst Khloe gives her brother a noogie-Chinese burn combo, Mr Khloe and Spencer jave a chat in the kitchen. Mostly about how all her ex-boyfriends have been arseholes, and Spencer better not turn out to be the same. Oops. Spencer replies that he’s not going to try to bullshit Mr Khloe because he’s clearly a very (don’t say down-to-earth, DON’T SAY DOWN-TO-EARTH) “down-to-earth” (*sigh*) sort of guy. He really thinks Khloe is very honest and genuine and they have a very real connection. Mr Khloe asks Spencer if he has any reservations about Khloe, and Spencer replies, totally naturally, that he was just wondering why Khloe’s relationships with her ex-boyfriends didn’t work out. Is it because they cheated? Is it because they just drifted apart? Is it because she sold a kiss-and-tell to the News Of The World? Hmmm. Mr Khloe says it was all Khloe’s exs faults, honest. They just “didn’t share her values”.
Chat over, Mr Khloe says that he’d be very happy for Khloe to have a relationship with Spencer moving forwards, and they seem to have a real shared sense of fun. Spencer and Khloe and Khloe’s brother have a kickabout in the park and have more Football Banter, and isn’t this a fun happy scene of togetherness? I wonder what could happen to spoil it?
Khloe sends her brother off to do X Box, and walks off with Spencer to a bench to have a private discussion. Spencer says that KHLOE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S GOT SOMETHING TO DO SAY! She seems worried, and not in the normal fun schoolgirl way that gives him the horn. HE’LL BE LADY CHATTERLY CHLOE, YOU BE MELLORS! ALSO IN THIS FANTASY, MELLORS IS A MOTORCYCLE! Khloe says she’s worried because she has something to tell Spencer. Something she’s never told him before, because she’s never had the time alone with him. Except at the beach. And that entire day they spent parping around Florence. And on the picnic date last week. It’s just been so inconvenient! Ships in the night!
So here’s the story. Khloe was dating “a footballer” two years ago and it didn’t work out. Then they met again this year as friends, for dinner, and they shagged. Then a friend sold a story about Khloe and “a footballer”, so Khloe thought why not, and sold a story about “a footballer” herself. Spencer asks her to clarify which footballer she means, it turns out to be Mario Balotelli. OH MY GOD, THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION. Spencer nods his head sadly and says he knows all about this story, and then pulls ANGRY DAD face everywhere like he’s playing Tabby’s Dad in community theatre. HOW COULD KHLOE? HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO A FAMOUS PERSON? SHE’S BROKEN THE SACRED TRUST BETWEEN FOOTBALLER AND RANDOM SHAG! WHAT IF SHE DID THE SAME TO HIM? THE HORROR!
Khloe protests that she’s serious about Spencer! She would never do that to him! She’s invited him to meet her family (on Channel 5, for a gameshow) and everything! Spencer then lies that he’s not judging her, but he’s here to find something serious and he needs to know that this isn’t just a game to raise her profile. Is she in fact here for the right reasons? Khloe cries fulsomely and says she came on The Bachelor because she was sick of being judged
HA HA HA HA HA HA, OH DEAR.
Anyway, she says that she wanted people to see the real her and know that she wasn’t just some kiss and tell girl. SHE’S A GOOD GIRL REALLY *cry cry cry cry*. She lurches at Spencer’s shoulder to boo-hoo into his shirt and he looks righteously fucked off. He interviews that it’s a shame that Khloe’s such a whore, because she was one of his favourites. But now he doesn’t know if she’s genuine or not. Khloe interviews that she and Spencer had a real spark, but she thinks this has ruined it. Who wants a girlfriend who’s known as “the kiss and tell girl”? Nobody.
This episode is almost Jacobean in its tragedy isn’t it?
We return to shots of Gatwick Airport, as everyone wheels their suitcases full of sundresses through the front doors. At this point we’re treated to a hilarious montage of the events of the day. Tabby and Spencer snogging in a chicken coop. Spencer and Jess snogging in the long grass. Spencer and Chloe snogging in bed. Khloe screaming and crying and snotting all over Spencer’s shoulder. Spencer interviews that things have got more personal now because he’s met (/been shot at by) the contestants families and we’re not all on holiday any more. This is REAL LIFE.
Next up – a glamorous holiday to the Bahamas! But which three girls will get to go? Khloe interviews that she’s never had the connection she’s found with Spencer with anyone else before. Their sweaty three-times-a-night romps really lit up her bedroom, and she’s never known sex like it. Spencer was a real gentleman, and she certainly found nothing to complain about in the downstairs department, if you know what she means. Jess interviews that she feels really nervous. Mostly that her mum’s going to turn up in a sun-hat “accidentally” with tickets to the same destination. After all, her husband’s away, so why can’t she have a good time? Spencer can help rub her suntan lotion in *wink* Chloe interviews that she’s really feeling the pressure, and Tabby interviews that she’s found someone that she really likes. Bless.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME! Getting a rose in this particular order are :
Meaning that prostituting your personal life for profit is officially less of a problem than daring to try to have a career. I’m not saying I’m SURPRISED. Also I guess it would have been difficult getting Jess through the airport metal detectors given what a robot she is and all. She interviews that she’s shocked, and hopes she didn’t say or do anything wrong. Eyes to your mother Jess, eyes to your mother…
Next week : Sharks, jet-skis, THE BAHAMAS.