The show goes to Hell. It’s an upwards step.
We open with a random reminder that we started with 24(/25) women competing for Spencer’s, and now we have only 5 left! I would say I remember about 4 of the people who’ve been eliminated, and 2 of those were Brandy. How about you? We’re also treated to a reminder of Jess & Spencer’s supposedly electric rooftop candlelit dinner in Pisa. “Electric” in the sense that they had a bit of a snog. In a previously unseen bit of footage, it was like taking a match to a barrel of gunpowder. Which, given the amount of product these girls spritz themselves with every 5 seconds, and the sheer number of candles on display, is probably closer to the truth than Spencer knows.
Tragically, it’s the last week in Italy, and the last chance for the contestants to really put their mark on the competition before Spencer selects his Final Four. Tabby appears to be doing this by wearing her bikini inside her actual vagina. Good job girl. The other girls thrum around merrily in the pool, and Jess interviews that she always likes to be the sort of girl who has the upper hand, and she hasn’t had that in this competition so far. She appears to be trying to remedy the situation with judicious use of ice cubes, as her nipples at this point are threatening to invade Switzerland. Tabby for her part interviews that it really hit her when she got the rose last week, just how attracted she is to Spencer “and stuff”. Stuff being his helicopter and his Ferrari and his indoor swimming pool. Stuff like that there. She’s anxious to find out whether it all can go to a deeper level than just appearances.
SPOILERS : no it can’t.
Chloe’s interview, as the hot weather takes its final toll and turns her into one giant freckle, says she’s really going to have to go the extra mile to get Spencer to notice her this week, because she’s really falling behind. Yup, her boobs are now pretty much all the way out. Good job Chloe.
It’s time for this week’s first date card!
“Without love, I’m lost, so let’s make sure we’re heading in the right direction”
Oooh, an orienteering date! The most romantic of them all! This date is for Helen, Jess, and Khloe with a K (not Chloe with a C, because Chloe with a C goes CHUH CHUH CHUH).
The girls retreat to their corners, and apply their slap. Jess interviews that she’s a bit nervous about this date, because it’s a “funny group”. She doesn’t clarify what she means by this, sadly. She does say Spencer and Khloe have something between them, and Helen “had a kiss” with him. Jess “had a kiss” with all the disdain she can muster, like she thinks it was on the wrist or something and Helen just got over-excited. She does promise that she will try to get more involved and stop being such a non-person this time. Fingers crossed. Helen meanwhile says that the last time she saw Spencer, they changed their relationship quite a bit, and now they’re more romantic. Oh Helen, that’s what you think. Khloe mourns for all her lost friendships over the course of the show. She used to be really close with Jess, but as things have got closer to the sharp end, they just don’t speak any more. Yeah, what a loss that is. I’m sad enough that I will never know the taste of Jess’ friendship in my life, imagine having it and then it slipping away. *sniff*
For today’s date, Spencer has asked the women to Lucca to ride around on a bicycle built for four, and then have a picnic in the shadow of the city walls. It bears mention that Spencer’s personal upkeep is on the slide, 7 episodes in. His hair is flopping around all over the place, and he’s got a minge-beard firmly in place. Slowly he is morphing back into his original form. Anyway, the most important part of this date is clearly the ethics of who gets to sit where on the bicycle made for four, which is constructed such that two people sit in the front, and to in the back. Basically it’s the Flintstone car, but with peddles instead of Pebbles. (A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!). Helen, naive to the politics of multi-person bicycle seating as she is, immediately demands to sit up front as Spencer sidles in at the back. Jess siezes the opportunity to slide in next to him, leaving Khloe stuck up front in Mummy’s seat. She immediately gets a cob on.
And so, off the intrepid four set, bouncing and squealing. Spencer tells them this is going to be a very exciting date because something mumble something mumble city walls something art history nipples blah AND THEN WE’RE GOING TO HAVE SOME LOVELY BUBBLY! Nobody reacts at all to this announcement, so Spencer “playfully” slaps them all until they join him on his descent into alcoholism. I think they’re probably numb to booze at this point Spencer, given that literally every date so far has involved alcohol in some way, shape or form. Even when Spencer was alone with tee-totaller Helen he was still knocking it back. Of course the girls may also not be excited because they know that, whilst they’re drinking LOVELY BUBBLY, Spencer will be having some alone time with the bicycle. It’s made for FOUR PEOPLE! That means it’ll technically be a FIVESOME when he sticks his nob in it.
Cue a brief “oh no, we’re lost!!!” montage, before Spencer, Khloe, Jess and Helen all find the picnic spot, which looks like a duvet melted in the middle of a field. Everyone drinks more, and Jess snorts derisively in interview that Khloe is obviously more of a threat to her than HELEN is, so by the end of the date she wants to make sure that he likes her more than he likes Khloe. She achieves this by snatching him away for some alone time and the first opportunity, and also by slipping an emetic into Khloe’s champagne OOPS. They creep away under a tree, and reminisce about their midnight moonlight feast in Pisa. Spencer calls it “one of the most romantic times of his life” right up there with when he fucked that stripper, when he fucked that other stripper, when he got his first Gold Card, that time he beat Tom, Ollie and Spencer 2.0 in the biscuit game, and when he visited the Maserati factory. The clean-up bill afterwards was totes worth it.
Jess at this point reveals to Spencer that whenever the girls sit around discussing who is going to be in the Final Two, as they do often, her name never comes up. Apparently everyone thinks the final two is going to be Khloe and Tabby. I’ve been working on the presumption for a while now that Jess is the Laila Moomintroll runner-up to whoever eventually wins, but that’s just me. Spencer says that’s everything’s speculation until the producers decide who’s most marketable, so it’s best just to not think about it, like death or the start of X Factor season. Jess burbles away that yeah, it’s probably best if she doesn’t think too much. Generally.
Back at the “picnic”, Khloe and Helen sit in dead silence, as Khloe GLARES at Jess. Yeah, I’m not saying that Helen has a lot of common ground with any of these girls, but I’m guessing she’s found the furthest point away from her personal axis, being sat there with Khloe. Who is now in the middle of interviewing about how Jess is a fucking bell-end who is just here to win because she is competitive. She doesn’t REALLY like Spencer AT ALL. Oh boo hoo Khloe, that’s the closest thing to a pure motivation that this show has.
We return to Lucca, and the “picnic date” with Spencer, Khloe, Helen, and Jess. Whilst Jess and Spencer have a fiddle under a nearby tree, Khloe sits and swears her head off to Helen, who mostly looks amused. Spencer interviews that she thinks Khloe might feel a bit threatened by Jess. He thinks this because he heard her screaming “FUCKING JESS IS A FUCKING WHORE WITH AN STD”. In order to make her feel better, Spencer’s going to leave Jess be for the moment, and give Khloe some alone time. Wow, it’s like the workings of the 17th century French court in here this week.
Khloe and Spencer sit on a verge, and he asks her why she’s being so moody this week. Khloe says she knows she’s being grumpy, but that situation with the quandem felt like a “foursome on a bike”. Which apparently is not Khloe’s cup of tea. As opposed, of course, to a foursome WITH a bike. Which I’m guessing is both Khloe and Spencer’s cup of tea, in very different ways. She says that it really bothers her to see Spencer talking to other girls, and he should take her acting like a fractious psycho as a massive compliment. Spencer for his part says that Khloe should take the fact that he cares enough to make her feel better about it (which he’s done….how?) as the ultimate compliment. Yeah, totally. He tells Khloe that she’s like a giggly little schoolgirl, and this gives him the horn, so they spend the next five minutes snogging. So romantic. At least he doesn’t make her wear the uniform.
Once they’re done exploring one another’s mouths, Spencer tells her that he’s glad they had this talk, because he’s really missed Khloe since their date. Whenever and whatever that was. Being driven around Florence I think. Khloe interviews that her mind is now at rest, forever positioning her as a human water meter that just occasionally needs to have a coin inserted into it to keep its fluids flowing. Spencer interviews that he and Khloe have amazing chemistry and she’s a lovely girl. Deep. He also returns to that tired old saw he’s wont to drag out about how being in a competitive atmosphere really brings out people’s true characters. In Khloe’s case it’s being a moody bitch.
He also thinks Jess is a really pretty girl, and they’ve shared one of the MOST ROMANTIC MOMENTS OF SPENCER’S LIFE.
Helen doesn’t really warrant a mention. Oops.
Back at the mansion, Helen laments to Tabby that she thinks that she and Spencer have fallen back into the Friend Zone, because she didn’t get a snog this time or nothing. Tabby doesn’t give a tit, she’s too busy fretting that she wasn’t on the date at all. She now thinks that Spencer is favouring “Little Khloe” over her. Meanwhile “Big Chloe” also complains that she wasn’t on this date, and she thinks she deserves to go on a one-on-one date with him so he can see her true personality. I have to say, I know I’m a Chloe partisan, but her dates have been almost without exception the spectacularly crap ones.
Time now for our second date card, to be read by Jess. BVM hypes up the fact that this is the SECOND DATE CARD OF THE DAY, and that this is an UNPRECEDENTED TWIST. I think BVM might be taking the piss. Especially as the UNPRECEDENTED TWIST is that Tabby goes off on a solo date and gets an early rose. EXCITING, UNPRECEDENTED SCENES.
“The sky is blue, let’s take off, just me and you”.
Chloe gives Tabby a very game look, whilst Khloe seethes. She angrily kvetches that she got a bike whilst LUCKY TABBY gets another break. Chloe jokes passive-agressively that Tabby does seem to have all the good dates whilst she gets stuck on a jet-ski, doing tug o war, plaster-casting her fake boobs. JUST KIDDING! SHE’S TOTALLY FINE WITH ALL THIS! Tabby interviews that she’s really excited and happy, but she doesn’t want to show it in case it riles the other contestants up. She’s calm on the outside, but on the inside she’s screaming. So am I.
Next morning now, and dawn breaks over Tuscany. BVM tells us that Spencer has picked the perfect date to “take his relationship with Tabby to new heights.” That’s right, he’s got his balloon out. As it slowly inflates, he tells us that he’s really excited, because he loves ballooning. He also really wants to see if the spark he feels with Tabby can progress further. Yes, it’s only when titting around in a balloon that a lady’s true character is etc etc etc.
Spencer and Tabby fly around in a balloon, cooing about how pretty the countryside is and hugging wistfully in the golden sunrise and then they have a snog and Tabby talks about being at peace and the music swells and they tickle the tree tops and Tabby goes YAY and it was all very amazing and exciting and Tabby thinks there’s definitely a spark and she really gets that feeling in her stomach whenever Spencer is around. Me too.
Back at Villa Spencer 2.0, Chloe and Khloe are still sitting around bitching about Tabby. Chloe says it’s really not fair that she gets to go on all these romantic solo dates whilst Chloe gets lectured on a balcony by Spencer about how she’s a whore and the closest she’s got to physical contact is being cartooned next to him. Khloe says she doesn’t hate Tabby for the situation (she SO does) but it’s really not fair. She doesn’t think it’s game over though, as she’s said many times “it’s only just beginning”. Yeah, you can only say that so many times Khloe before we’re actually at the end. We close this sniping session with Chloe promising to throw a huge hissy fit if she doesn’t get a date before the next rose ceremony. If only.
Back with Tabby and Spencer now, and they are descending into Hell. Which is the name of a local underground spa. They’re in be-hoodied dressing gowns, and…just sat around in some deck-chairs, underground. I’m missing how this is any kind of spa experience. Maybe there are tiny little Indonesian women pumicing their feet just out of shot. They sit and chat about how it’s been amazing to spend the day together, being utterly twee in a hot air balloon, before Spencer tells Tabby that he has a present for her. IT’S A ROSE! Tabby looks utterly unsurprised. How many solo date roses has she had now? They didn’t even bother trying to build suspense for this one. Tabby goes “awww thanks, it’s great”, and then tosses it on the pile with the rest of them. She interviews that if the other girls think they hated her before, that’s got NOTHING on now but erm…yay, a rose. It’s great to feel safe. Again.
Next day now, and the statues in the gardens of Villa Spencer 2.0 rub their nipples in excitement at the dating that is to unfold before them today. BVM tells us that the girls don’t know it yet, but the hills are alive with the sound of music. I hope this means they all have to dress up as nuns and flee the Nazis, as played by Brandy. Ah, Brandy as a Comedy Nazi. The mind boggles. Anyway, the third date card has arrived, in the shapely hands of Tabby
“The key to finding love is to follow the beat of your heart”.
Everyone groans, as they know that a musical date is approaching. It turns out this date is for everyone, even though Tabby already has her rose, because on this show, it always pays to spread the muck of humiliation as widely as possible. Khloe grizzles that she was planning on having a chilled out day before this stupid date-card arrived, ONLY JOKING. Jeez, make up your mind whether you want a date or not Khloe.
BVM clues us in that this is in fact a songwriting challenge, and Spencer has called in the services of “top music producer Ben Cox” who has produced hits for erm…well nobody as far as I can tell, but given that his role in this task amounts to finding the correct auto-setting on a Casio keyboard and going “YEAH! THAT’S AMAZING!” a lot, I don’t think it really matters. He fills the girl in that they’re all going to spend a little time with him, crafting a song each. Helen and Chloe both crease up at this news, because they are the best. The song is nominally supposed to be about the girls “feelings” towards Spencer, just so the show can pretend that this isn’t solely about making them look like dickheads. Tabby mimes throwing up, because she is also the best. Ben also tells the girls that they will be performing their opuses live for Spencer later, and Khloe grumps that she can’t sing. Ben tells her that not to worry, by the time he’s finished with her, she’ll sound like a “singing bird”. Which of course, she will be, in a way.
Spencer tells us that this will be the final group date so it will be really important to find out how the girls are truly feeling, and what better way for that then forcing them to make it all rhyme? The only good that could possibly come out of this is if somebody flips and sings “You Oughta Know” at him.
First up to plan out how to spew up her heart in song is Chloe. As you’d expect, she’s taken the challenge “express your feelings about Spencer in song” to mean “talk about how goddamn real I am”, with lyrics about Spencer seeing the real her and her wearing her heart on her sleeve. Or she would if anything she wore had any. She and Ben sit down, and over the course of the session her demands for something upbeat devolve into something that sounds like Hometown Glory played backwards in slow motion. Ben and Chloe sing “WE’VE BEEN BY THE SEA, TO SEE THE REAL ME” over and over and over and over again and then high five over how emotional it all is.
Next up is Helen. She’s decided she’s going to a funny parody rap. I have renewed excitement for the comedy art-form of “LOL AN UNSUITABLE WHITE PERSON DOING RAP!” after seeing Bill Turnbull do so much with it this week on BBC Breakfast, but I can’t envision this ending well. She says she’s not going to take it seriously at all, and just mess around. Oh Helen, how your true character is only now being revealed you have been placed in the position of doing a comedy rap. I’m so disappointed. *shakes head*. Ben tells her that if she’s going to repeat a line in the song, to make it the hook, it helps if it’s something you feel strongly about. Helen grins, yells “GIVE ME A ROSE BITCH!” repeats it, then cracks up. I love Helen. Ben tells her to just repeat that three times, add another line, and that’s your song. Ah…commercial rap. Anyway, Helen suggests something ending in “titch”, because Spencer really has a complex about his height. Ben tells her that this is a bad idea, because Helen should be dealing in TRUE EMOTIONS and trying to win the challenge. Ben is such a funsponge.
BVM says at this point that, whilst Chloe is taking this date seriously, there’s a “rock and roll hint of rebellion” in the air elsewhere. This rock n roll rebellion being Tabby lounging in a hammock saying she can’t be arsed. It’s hardly The Slits is it? Apparently this challenge brings backs traumatic memories for Tabby, because she used to be in a band, but she was thrown out for not being able to sing. And she was the keyboard player, so you know she was bad. Khloe grumps that no piano or laptop is going to make her sound good. Those are the two musical instruments, yes.
Back with the girls, and BVM is openly wondering how someone who makes their living in the limelight, like Jess, could be struggling as much as she is to write a song. Yeah, that makes sense. Anyway, Jess is looking inside herself, ready to pour out every last drop of emotion, personality, and depth she has out onto the page and then into amusing. It’s a bit like looking for a lost sandwich in Wookey Hole Caves. She’s finding this whole task too personal and it’s making her uncomfortable. On the other hand, she does sing as part of her job, so she feels like she should be excelling. She meets Ben, who asks her if her lyrics come from the heart. Jess says they’re half from the heart and half just what rhymes. Jess is now my fourth favourite, having just surpassed Khloe. She then reads the lyrics out and my ranking wavers, before she tells Ben not to steal her lyrics, because they have been copyrighted. Cue generic twee dance beat and Jess singing her lyrics like karaoke “Somewhere Only We Know” laughing the whole time about how lame this all is. Ben envisions the sun setting and the song really TOUCHING Spencer. I don’t.
Khloe at this point gives notice that she’s over her tantrum, and is now ready to embrace the challenge and to write serious heartfelt lyrics like
“When I’m with you, I start to blush, last night me and Chloe immac’d out tush”
“Told you you were fit and had a nice tan, the thing I can’t live without in this house is a fan”
“There’s been some tears, and some massive fears”
There’s also something about a floppy something in there, but I can’t quite make it out. Her lyrics sheet is an insight into her very SOUL. Tabby meanwhile moans that she doesn’t feel *inspired* but she’s given it a go. She gives Ben notice that her lyrics are quite angry, and she’s gone for a punky vibe. Ben panics and asks Tabby why she’s chosen such ANGRY words for a challenge about LOVE, and Tabby tells him that it’s because she’s angry at having to do this stupid challenge in the first place. Ben tries not to look insulted and asks her how she’s going to deliver her lyrics, and Tabby says that she’s just going to shout them really. ROCK ON! Ben pulls out his electric guitar, and progressively makes the music sound more and more and more aggressive as Tabby grins away madly. This is the most happy she’s looked in weeks bless her.
Khloe’s up next, and Ben asks her what sort of beat she wants. Khloe says “NO DRUMS! I DON’T WANT DRUMS!” and Ben asks her if she really means this, and she says that she doesn’t think she wants drums. Maybe she does. Let’s play some drums and see. I think Khloe might be a little bit out of her depth. Or role-playing at being Elton John, whichever. Ben asks her if there’s any sounds in her head, and Khloe says that there isn’t. I’ll say. Ben says that’s fine and plays her a basic modern R & B beat. She describes it as “too rocky”. Then she starts to rap. For about two lines before she decides that she can’t do it! Ben does a heroic job of psyching her up, and Khloe then lays down a backing track of her going “Bachelor, bachelor, bachelor” over and over again in a little girl voice. Presumably because she knows that’s what Spencer’s into. Her schoolgirl side.
Watching Khloe try to do music is just exhausting. And you know we’re going to have to see it on X Factor in about 2 months time. Or I would if X Factor audition episodes weren’t beneath me. And I recap…well, this, so you know that’s saying something.
It’s now time for the girls to perform their songs. Spencer says he’s eager to see how the girls are going to handle this potentially very difficult date. I think the word “date” just got stretched to its very outer limits. First up to perform is Jess. She appears to be going for some strong distraction tactics from the weakness of her material by dressing in the very worst outfit I’ve ever seen. It’s a combination of Columbia from the Rocky Horror Picture show, Rosie Rivets, mid-80s Madonna, a bin-liner, Minnie Mouse, Hallowe’en Gretchen Weiners, and an Albanian prostitute. Her song goes thusly, in a dance style.
“Coming into this, I thought was a game
Breaking down barriers, reaching for fame
Having thoughts I might escape on a plane
Push me much harder, I might go insane
SO GIVE ME A ROSE!
AND BANISH ALL MY WOES!
JUST DON’T JUDGE MY BAD PROSE!”
So romantic. Spencer asks her why she thought this show was a game in the beginning, and Jess replies that she didn’t even know who The Bachelor was when she applied, and if it hadn’t been UNIVERSALLY FANCIABLE SPENCER MATTHEWS she might have had to just view the whole thing as some sort of trivial game. And who can blame her, given that at one point The Bachelor was rumoured to be Frankie Cock? She says she wouldn’t be here now if she didn’t have meaningful feelings for Spencer. Spencer seems placated by this, and compliments her on “making an effort with the outfit”. Hmm. He says that she’s done really well : great lyrics, catchy tune, top marks for Jess.
Tabby’s up next, in denim hot pants. She’s so ready to rock it hurts me.
“You’re the rebel, that’s hard to tame
Are you real or searching for fame?
Is it fake or is it true?
When I first saw you standing in your fancy suit.
SPENCER! LOOK AT ME!
ARE YOU RUNNING ROUND GETTING KICKS FOR FREE?
BABY! CAN’T YOU SEE?
I’M LOOKING LIKE A DICK, WHAT YOU DOING TO ME?”
She then laughs her head off, stomps her fists, and says she missed her cue but HEY, THAT’S JUST HOW ROCK AND ROLL SHE IS! SHE’S NOT DOING ANOTHER TAKE! FUCK IT! She stomps over to Spencer and says she’s so glad to get all her angst out, and then Spencer asks if she can read out her lyrics. You know, the bit where she accused him of only being here for fame? Because he is so very insulted.
NB : It’s alright for Jess to transparently signpost that she’s here for fame, but if anyone accuses Spencer of it, then they are CAST OUT.
Anyway, Tabby laughs and tells Spencer that he shouldn’t take it personally, because it’s just meant to be funny. She gives him a kiss on the cheek, and then walks off. Tabby interviews that she thinks she might just have screwed that up, and then Spencer says that he’s worried that Tabby still has questions about how genuine he is, this far into the process. He just spent all day in a balloon with her. What more does this girl want?
It’s time for Khloe’s rap now. She’s drawn little cartoon black emo tears on her face for no reason. I do feel a bit bad having more of an opinion on how these women are dressed than their music given…you know…the whole “women in rock and how they’re judged” thing, but my God these girls have gone the extra mile to look especially idiotic in this task. Khloe’s rap goes :
“There were 24 girls in the limo outside, waiting outside, waiting outside
I saw you and I nearly died
I saw you were The Bachelor I thought ‘wow what a catch
him and Button-Nose could be a perfect match’
So the K-L-O-E won’t let you be
until you pick me
we need some privacy
Forget Jess, Helen, Tabby and Chloe L-C
it’s not for tv it’s just you and me”
As you can tell from the rhyme scheme, A LOT of thought went into this rap. The best part is how she’s just reading it off her lyrics-book, with no expression, no flow, no…anything. Of course Spencer grins and giggles and smiles at her throughout. He congratulates her on laying down her backing track, and then they discuss what an emotional day it’s been. It’s been such a rollercoaster! Khloe interviews that she just made a total dick of herself in front of Spencer, but she needn’t worry because Spencer’s still in love with her Eliza Doolittle innocence. He just loves how scared he can still make her.
Helen’s up next, with her comedy rap. She’s wearing a terrifying amount of gold chains, a bikini, and a see-through white shirt hanging off one shoulder. I’m sad just how much this show has corrupted her. I miss the days when she just sat on the side in her giant muu-muu and big floppy hat, loving Jesus and calling all the other girls filthy Godless heathen slappers. Anyway, her rap goes :
“ROCK THE RED CARPET, WOAH WHAT A TAN
TWO MINUTE SHAKE YOU UP, THAT WAS THE PLAN
YOU NAMED ME YOUR EMPRESS ON A HOT DATE
MAXIMUS MATTHEWS HAD IT HIS WAY
GIMME A ROSE, THROW IT MY WAY
GIMME A ROSE, THROW IT MY WAY
GIMME A ROSE, THROW IT MY WAY
GIMME A ROSE BITCH, THEN WE CAN PLAY”
I mean, by any standards it’s awful, but she is at least trying. Spencer applauds, but you can tell that he thinks it’s nothing compared to Khloe spelling out her name (incorrectly). Helen outlines her process to him, in that she chose to rap because she can’t sing, and she just decided to keep it light and fun. She hopes he knows that she really does like him though. Spencer thanks her for her time. Well that bodes well. He interviews that Helen did what she does best – she had a laugh and “tackled it with both feet”. Certainly the lyric-writing was so adept the song FELT like it had been composed by foot.
Helen then has a little interview meltdown about how that whole thing was so nerve-wracking and she’s trying SO HARD and it’s making no difference. She can see who he fancies and who he doesn’t fancy because she’s not an idiot, and whilst it’s cool that her personality’s so likable she’s just being kept around as some sort of moral about being a “nice girl” it’s getting too much to put so much effort in on all these active dates and challenges designed to make her look like an idiot. Poor girl is Cracking Up. Time for a Mercy Elimination I think.
Chloe is last on the bill, dressed like a Project Runway challenge design that looks fine at first glance, but by the time its finished its runway walk you know it’s Bottom Three. Her EMOTIONAL BALLID (sung in about seven different affected voices, ranging from Maria McKee to Diana Vickers to Marcella Detroit to Konnie Huq on Celebrity Fame Academy) goes :
“We’ve been by the sea, to see the real me
My heart on my sleeve, take a chance on me
I’m wasting away, I’m waiting for you
Men like you, are hard to find
You’re gorgeous and clever and one of a kind
Even though our time, is rare for you
I’m wasting away, I’m waiting for you”
At this combination of narcissism, neediness, and wanton sucking up, Spencer loses his MIND and declares it the most amazing song he’s ever heard. He gives her a hug and asks her if she REALLY MEANT IT, and Chloe says she definitely did. They go over the amazing lyrics again, and Chloe explains that it was inspired by how he’s never given her an amazing solo date and that. It makes her feel so EMOTIONAL. She interviews that even if she doesn’t survive past this Rose Ceremony she’s glad she got that all out. Spencer interviews that he now feels really bad that he didn’t see the true beauty in Chloe L-C until she just did that song there, right now. She really SMASHED IT.
There’s no pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party this week, and we’re almost right into the action. Although obviously there’s a lot of pre Ceremony maundering into the mirror and interviews with everyone saying they’re, like, REALLY nervous. Chloe in particular is really nervous, because she thinks this is it for her.
ROSE CEREMONY! Roses are given out in the following particular order :
Tabby (Enough Already Rose)
Khloe (because of the amazing chemistry she and Spencer share)
Jess (because of the amazing moments they shared)
Chloe (because of the brilliance of her song, as without it, she apparently would have been going home)
Meaning that’s it’s Helen, sadly, finally hitting the bricks, for a combination of reasons, running to : being stuck in the Friends Zone, the fact that she’s veering ever closer to being placed on Suicide Watch, her frivolous song, and the fact that when Spencer goes to meet everyone’s families next week they probably won’t have any booze in. Helen has a bit of a weep about how in the end, she and Spencer were too different. She’s a born-again Christian, and he’s Satan.
Satan in a particularly hideous mustard coloured suit.
NEXT WEEK : Tabby’s father HATES Spencer, Jess’s mother want to shag Spencer, Chloe’s family appears to be a drunk of drunken strippers (<3), and Khloe reveals her DARKEST SECRET.