Drawing, fighting, whining.
We open with BVM telling us that, at Spencer’s villa, there is an air of calm after last night’s storm. Yes, that climactic blow-out of Renay taking her ball and going home and Tabby yelling “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME!” before running away to posh-cry in the mirror. It was practically Fight Night. Marissa bobs around in the pool, Tabby lounges under a pair of enormous sunglasses, Aisha potters around in denim, the most pointless reality tv contestant since Shanessa. Happily, to interrupt this lolling, it’s time for the first date card.
“A great relationship depends on great support. I lean on you, you lean on me”
That’s right, Spencer just alluded to the relationship built by this show being like the Leaning Tower Of Pisa, a structure so poorly constructed on such shoddy foundations that it’s taken 11 years of intense work to even make it accessible to the public for a 40 minute tour. Quite. Anyway, this date is for Chloe, Jess and Helen. Jess is the first to work out what all the leaning is about, prompting Aisha to shout “OH NO WAY, I’M SO JELL!”. Whatever Aisha, the Leaning Tower Of Pisa is only about half as famous a landmark as Spencer’s Sexlympics Cabin. Although it is more expensive to get in.
The three date-girls skip off to their rooms to prepare themselves, with Jess applying product to her hair with all the finesse of a fire extinguisher on a chip-pan fire. She beems that she’s really happy to be going on a date today. It’s taken her this long to get the all-clear from the show’s doctor following her…hot tub antics. Helen powders her face and says she hopes it’ll be good fun, because they all need a pick-up after the events of yesterday. I would mock, but I only suffered the trauma of Brandy’s elimination on tv, whilst on a post Olympics Opening Ceremony high. God only knows how devastating it was in person. Chloe meanwhile straightens out her duvet, and says she’s actually really looking forward to tonight’s date because everybody on it’s quite normal and there’s no screeching one-note attention seekers (*cough* MARISSA *cough*)
BVM explains to us all that for today’s date, the girls will be meeting Spencer in the shadow of the Leaning Tower Of Pisa, because let’s face it, what else IS there in Pisa? Spencer grins up at its wonky walls, and prays nobody makes a joke about his penis. He greets the girls by telling them all that he thinks they’re going to have a fabulous time, and he’s so excited. The romantic date he’s got planned? Sitting next to the Leaning Tower Of Pisa, getting sketched by a caricaturist. Oh joy! Nothing would make me feel more relaxed and comfortable, both in my physical appearance, and my ability to spell. BVM makes out that this is just a natural extension of “art-lover” Spencer. Spencer’s art loving credentials are now thus established at “plaster-cast tits and arse” and naff holiday time-waster sketches. He’s practically Brian Sewell. Whoever Spencer “connects with” most, will win a romantic dinner with him, and possibly a rose. OOOOOOOOH. Like anybody’s getting eliminated this episode other than Marissa and/or Aisha.
First up to be sketched, it’s Chloe, who thinks that she already has a connection with Spencer and so just has to sit there and have a normal conversation, and it will progress things. A normal conversation? On this show? Fortunately it turns out that a normal conversation for Chloe is slagging off the other girls – in this case Khloe for being really loud at night, and Helen for wearing granny pants. Chloe’s particularly gleeful that she got Helen to wear a thong today, because she never thought it possible. I love that, sod The Bachelor, Chloe is here basically to recruit semi-naked slappers for her stripper troupe, like some sort of feminine Magic Mike. She’s the Matthew McConaghy, Jess is the Channing Tatum (in so many ways), and Helen is the naive innocent Alex Pettifer who goes menkle on drugs and hookers when she gets a taste of the high life that is stripping. Spencer interviews that he’s wise to Chloe’s plan to subtly influence him against the other girls by constantly slagging them off, but that’s not why he wants to spend time with her.
It’s why *I* want you to spend time with her Spencer, and that’s the important thing.
BVM giggles into his hand at this point about how the skill of a caricaturist is to identify and exaggerate their sitter’s most “prominent attributes”. Which in this case means Chloe’s enormous shop-bought tits. Helen and Jess lounge around on the grass, sucking on ice-lollies wondering amongst themselves just how enormous the artist (called Percy) is going to make Chloe’s bazookas. Chloe meanwhile is sitting there squeezing her nipples (no really) and saying to Spencer that her surgeon told her that her boobs have to be constantly massaged in order to keep them soft. Did he also tell you to put your hand in this box and stroke this little baby puppy?
It turns out this subtle groping is the first shot in a protracted string of sexual innuendo from Chloe, which she executes with all the finesse of the British Handball team. She praises Spencer for his rhythm at the masked ball, because she likes a man with rhythm (IN BED). She announces she loves a good spoon (IN BED). She says that she loves that Spencer is a little bit submissive at times (IN BED). Spencer interviews that he is scared.
Mercifully at this point, Percy finishes his caricature. “Spencer” has a big mouth, and “Chloe” looks like a deflated Emmanuelle Beart. Given that Chloe’s closest point of Celebrity Reference for me is “the bitch mum from Sugar Rush” it’s not really happening for me, visually. Also, the ginormotits have a tiny cameo role, flapping around at the bottom of her neck like two midget testicles.
Next up to be sketched, it’s Jess. Spencer greets her with a hearty “nice to see you!”, like she’s been off backpacking around Canada for the last month not, say, right there in the cast with the rest of the girls. In interview, Spencer reminisces that Jess was his first (ON THE SHOW! ON THE SHOW! HE’S A VERY EXPERIENCED SWORDSMAN!) and he hopes they can rekindle that spark. He gets Percy to tell Jess that she’s beautiful, and then Jess starts wibbling on that Percy did a great job of getting Chloe’s GIANT FAKE TITS in the picture. Chloe meanwhile interviews from the side that she doesn’t see Jess as a threat at all. So glad to see that these two still hate one another. Jess sadly looks down at her own chesticles, and fake low self-esteems that hers aren’t much to write home about. Enough to get a plaster-cast of them done though. Spencer bites on Jess’ bait, and tells her they look fine to him, and Jess grins merrily that “more than a handful’s a waste”. Spencer prays she means that.
Spencer and Jess have a high-five over how Spencer prefers short girls (I WONDER WHY) and then the portrait is finished. “Spencer” now looks like Didier Drogba and the “Jess” looks like someone hired a really cheap Lara Croft birthday clown. Spencer squeezes Jess hand to “calm her nerves” before the “big reveal” and Jess protests that she isn’t nervous AT ALL. The physical flirting on this show is so subtle, you should all be glad that you have me as your recapper to point it out to you, with my Judi James levels of Body Language skillz. Spencer giddily interviews that he and Jess still have the same INTENSE PHYSICAL CONNECTION they shared in the hot tub, and is in fact only down to the fact that he respects the Leaning Tower so much that they didn’t just start rutting there and then.
Also he didn’t want the caricaturist to draw him naked. Probably.
Last up to be drawn is Helen, who skips i happily saying Spencer has saved the best to last, as the soundtrack plays a particularly drippy “Landslide” knock-off to make us all like rootsy normal emotional nice Helen the best some more. To be fair at this point she is my second favourite after Chloe, and I have no idea how that happened. (Tabby’s third, then Aisha, then Khloe, then Jess, then Marissa). (Important business). Helen brags that she did so much Fine Art at school (she did an AS Level by the sounds of it) so she’s really enjoying this date, and Spencer asks if she’s ever did caricaturing as part of it. Of her Fine Art qualification. Oh Spencer, you ART EXPERT you. Helen takes this as an opportunity to show off, by offering to draw Spencer instead of forcing poor Percy to do it for a third time. She jokes to Spencer that he should get naked and get on all fours for Helen to draw him, just liker her French girls. At the side, Chloe is MASSIVELY affronted and says it’s not fair that Helen gets a date where she can shine, and where Chloe wouldn’t stand out unless she did a naked handstand. Next week – Bible Study date at the Vatican. Jess tells Chloe not to worry, because the date is still young, and Chloe snarks “WELL, IT WANTS TO BE”, in a reference to the fact that Helen is the baby of the group. So young, so naive. When Chloe gets her whirling round a pole bellowing “POUR SOME SUGAR ON MAYYYYYYY” though, dressed as Salome, all that will change.
Sorry, that should read “dressed as salami”, damn me spelling. Meat based stripping is the MOST erotic. You should see Chloe’s kebab.
Back to the leaning tower, and Helen has almost finished her portrait of Spencer. She interviews nervously that if you want a relationship with someone, you can’t just be friends with them, you have to want it…all. The “whole shebang”. Yes, that’s right, Helen is talking about sex. I hope everyone’s buttocks are suitably clenched in preparation. She tells us that she is trying to be more sexy, and we see that this enhanced sexiness is mostly coming in the form of her repeatedly waggling her eyebrows. Like this. PHWOAR. She asks Spencer why he’s in Italy, and he replies that he’s looking for love. She asks how such a handsome man as himself has not found love yet, and Spencer replies that it’s often when looking for love that one never finds it. One also often loses control of own grammatical constructions as well apparently. Helen grins that it might well be SAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, her eyebrows bouncing round like an Olympic trampolinist having an unfortunate epileptic fit mid-routine. (psst, SHE MEANS HER). Helen finishes her caricature. It looks like a Yahoo Mail avatar. And hence, the most accurate of the episode thus far.
Helen interviews that she’s now getting thr right horn for Spencer, in a Christian way, and Spencer interviews that he’d really love to have Helen on every date if possible, because she’s so easy to talk to. Bless. Just what every girl wants to hear when she’s gone the full brass band to get a guy to notice her as a sexual being. Everyone has ice-cream (ON TOP OF ICE LOLLIES? BRAIN-FREEZE MADNESS!) as Spencer considers his decision. Meanwhile, back at Villa Spencer 2.0, the abandoned contestants ponder who might come back with a rose. Marissa thinks Jess. Aisha thinks Chloe. Tabby just pouts and mumbles into her boobs. Nobody says Helen. Poor Helen.
Anyway, it’s TIME FOR SPENCER TO MAKE HIS DECISION for the romantic dinner. He has chosen JESS, although he does of course dither so much about it that Helen devours an entire cone of chocolate ice-cream between the start of his speech and the end. Chloe licks at her raspberry ripple cone like a rat at a battery, and wishes them both well for the evening’s entertainment to come. Once Spencer and Jess are out of ear-shot she bitches to Helen about she was just “pied off for a short-arse with as much personality as a pencil”. This facility with language is why she’s my favourite. She carries on calling Jess boring, as Helen says he’s probably only gone off alone with her because she’s a massive slag who he knows will put out.
This potential new Chloe-Helen bitch team-up gives me so much joy.
Evening falls, and BVM talks about how Spencer and Jess are about to have a ROMANTIC CANDLE-LIT DINNER LIKE NO OTHER. In reality, it is exactly the same as any candle-lit dinner on any edition of The Bachelor anywhere, ever. It’s on a rooftop, there’s lots of candles, fireworks go off, Spencer and Jess blah on about their “connection”, Nessun Bloody Dormouse plays on the soundtrack, they have a pokey snog, Spencer gives Jess a rose, it’s super dull. If Gavbot were here, he’d be asleep by now. (GAVBOT FALLING ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF A DATE MEMORIAL <3)
Next day, and BVM tells us that, for the girls who haven’t had a date yet with Spencer this week, the day comes “pregnant with possibilities”. Surely I can’t be the only one hoping for the ULTIMATE BACHELOR SECRET SURPRISE! at this point? KHLOE’S CARRYING MANCHESTER CITY’S BABY OMG! Sadly, the only thing being given birth to is the next date card. It reads as follows :
“What we do on dates echoes in eternity. So prepare to battle like it’s MMXII!”
Naturally the Bachelorette brain-trust really really struggles with the Roman Numerals until Marissa works out (/someone tells her). This date is for everyone apart from Jess. Chloe ponders if they will be duelling each other, like the Joust on Gladiators. I wish it were like Joust on Gladiator, because then they’d have those awesome “sky-bikes” rocking around like a sexual bucking bronco. The whole tournament would have made (marginally) more sense as well.
BVM explains that today the girls will be competing in a series of “Gladiator-style” games. Just like Hershey’s is “chocolate style”. No stabbing one another with tridents for these girls. The prize for the winner of this foxy boxing will be, guess what? No, not a caravan, it’s private time with Spencer! He’s dressed up as what he clearly thinks is Russell Crowe but more actually resembles Joaquin Phoenix going mental and shagging his sister. He has to feed himself grapes, because nobody else will do it for him.
The girls prepare, donning their leather straps, tin foil armour and Brantano sandals. BVM practically wets himself with excitement (you know, for BVM) about the prospect of Khloe and Tabby getting to smack one another around the face with outsized cotton buds, as we flash back to their EPIC FIGHT last week. Sadly not the bit where Khloe almost ran into a boom mic, or the part where she told Tabby she could “win a soap opera with her fake acting”. I really think I might watch soaps again if they were constructed in the manner of competitive reality shows. MERCEDES MCQUEEN FOR THE WIN. Khloe sits tanning and whines to Chloe that “that bell-end has copied my hair-style”. Such a classic girl fight staple. TABBY has done her HAIR exactly how KHLOE likes to do her hair, the NOB, but she daren’t say anything, because Tabby would probably star CRYING if she did, the TWAT.
In interview, Spencer says yesterday suddenly things got very real in the house. Yes, you can see how he’d HATE that. He says the cattiness has really begun and it’s become less fun and more serious. Wrong on both counts. Anyway, he closes by dribbling on some more about how sport really reveals people’s true characters BLAH BLAH BLAH. That’s right, Aisha is about to be eliminated from the show for not liking shot-putt, just like Danielle was cut for not liking golf.
All the girls tramp out to Spencer, and the show really enjoys getting lots of slow-motion shots of them parping around in their pretend Gladiator gear. Tabby looks, if anything, dressed down from her usual attire. They all assemble in a field, as Spencer explains to them that they’re about to participate in a knock-out tournament. There will be five rounds, and at the end of each round, the crappiest girl will be eliminated. The winner at the end will be declared Spencer’s Empress, and as a reward, he will let her snowball him in the jacuzzi after five glasses of Prosecco. JUST LIKE IN REAL ROMAN TIMES.
The first round is the ancient art of Pugel stick battle. The girls will stand on top of giant inflatable dog turds, vaguely wafting at one another with sticks not making any contact, until gravity and fake boobs take their course and someone falls over. Chloe interviews that she’s really going to enjoy twatting the other girls in the face, and she’s a really bad loser, so WATCH OUT!
The first bout is Chloe vs Marissa. Chloe falls on her face immediately. The second round is Aisha vs Khloe, which is a lot more competitive, with Khloe eventually over-powering Aisha. Last up it’s Tabby vs Helen. I cannot BELIEVE the producers did not contrive to have Tabby and Khloe hit one another with sticks after all that build-up. What’s the BLAHDDY POINT. Anyway, Helen wins, after Tabby steps backwards off her giant inflatable dog turd. This leaves Marissa, Aisha, and Tabby. Except somehow not Tabby, as this whole tournament is victim to more choppy editing than BBC athletics coverage, and here they don’t even have the excuse of having to cut away because Jessica Ennis is looking particularly pretty and, like, smiling or something.
Anyway, the last battle is Tabby vs Aisha, a bout prefaced by a “woo hoo!” from Helen and a dry “beat the shit out of each other” from Chloe. Aisha takes an early fall, but groans “FUCK’S SAKE, NOT THE FACE” until Spencer agrees to a restart, at which point Tabby takes the fall, and is out of the tournament in an inglorious 6th place. This despite the advantage of being the only competitor whose given name would also be their Gladiator name. Tabby gamely says that she’s sad to be missing out on “quality time” with Spencer, but she was never going to win a sporting tournament as she doesn’t have muscles, or athletic skill, or physical tenacity, or a mysterious Arab Sheikh funder. Yet. She wanders off to the side and sits on her arse looking bored, which Khloe noisily complains is yet more attention seeking. Somehow.
Seriously, why did they not have these two beat one another with sticks again?
Next up is shot putt, which is won by Khloe, used as she is to handling weighty balls. Sadly eliminated in this round is Aisha, who can barely carry the shot putt to the starting line, let alone throw it. Spencer whines that Aisha isn’t really putting her heart and soul into the activities he’s set out for the girls to do. I don’t know if you’ve noticed Spencer, but Aisha has never given a shit. I’m not even sure she’s actually a contestant. I think she might just be a tourist who got lost and decided to hang around in case she can score a free flight home and free ice cream.
We sadly don’t see the event that eliminates Marissa in fourth place. I’m guessing it was the 200m Dignified. The field has thus been reduced to Chloe, Khloe and Professional Fitness Instructor Helen. They are competing in the noble sport of “rolling a barrel up hill” – presumably practice for when Spencer gets too drunk to stand at the annual Old Etonians Reunion and the girls have to get him back his Mercedes. The girls push their barrels up the hill, the cameramen push their cameras at their jiggling boobs, and Spencer wafts his skirt around, allowing the cool air to soothe the damage done to his anus last week by Marissa. Khloe posts a time of 25 seconds, Helen a time of 16 seconds, and Chloe a time of 18 seconds, leaving Khloe a poor third, and Helen and Chloe to reignite their fierce rivalry from the drawrin earlier. I’m guessing that was the Cultural Olympiad to this date’s Proper Version. So rare that someone would medal in both, although I hear that Chris Hoy does some great spoken-word slam poetry.
The final event in tug o war, and Helen interviews that she really wants to get some one-on-one time with Spencer before the next Rose Ceremony, as she’s the only girl thus far who hasn’t got any. Or indeed, any one-on-one time with Spencer. Chloe interviews that she’s clearly not going to win this round unless she breaks Helen’s legs. She doesn’t however clarify that she’s not going to do it.
It’s time for the tug on Spencer’s rope to begin. Chloe bows, declaims “may the best bitch win”, then is promptly pulled halfway across the field with one pull. And so it is done, with Helen being declared Spencer’s Empress. Athletic endeavour of course being how all the wives of Roman Emperors were decided.
And so, Helen’s Sexual Awakening begins, as she declares that she is ready for her alone time with Spencer, and hopes that it will be very romantic. She has decided that she definitely fancies him, because he’s very easy on the eye, and she’s got her Erotic Bible Quiz ready to see if he is worthy of entering her Garden of Gethsemene. Khloe interviews dismissively that she thinks Helen is a very lovely girl, but she’s a virgin who can’t drive, so she doesn’t really see her as a threat. She thinks she and Spencer would be better suited to being mates. Mates that Khloe never allowed to meet up, ever. Not even on Skype. Marissa meanwhile interviews smiling that Helen is very nice, like all virgins. Marissa clearly did not go to my school.
Spencer and Helen retreat to the pool, for their quiet time alone together. Spencer tells her that he really admires how she takes everything as it comes (apart from penis) and she’s so easy going. He says as he pours her her sparkling water, as he necks champagne. Helen interviews that she’d be open to kissing Spencer if the feeling was right, and she’ll see how the night progresses, before laughing adorably about the fact that she’s about to give up her precious flower dressed as a Roman centurion. We’ve all been there.
Spencer asks how she feels about their current situation and she replies :
“I obviously think you’re a very attractive guy. I was just wondering if you felt the same?”
I think it’s fairly obvious he does.
Spencer says that they get on very well, before cutting to the sort of “HELEN’S A LOVELY GIRL! HER HEART’S SO BIG! SHE’S SO FRIENDLY!” that usually can only come before a brush-off. Back poolside though, they’re gearing up for their first kiss, which Helen rather sadly lands on his nostril. Bless her. Then they snog a bit, before Spencer pulls away to tell Helen that she has very soft lips. Helen giggles “THANKS! I MOISTEURISE!”. She then interviews that she is a GROWN WOMAN, WHO LOVES TO KISS! I feel a Drew Barrymoore film coming on. Sadly Spencer interviews that he enjoyed Helen’s kiss, but it all felt a bit scripted and contrived and pre-determined.
ON THIS SHOW?
Helen giggles merrily about having officially progressed beyond “the friend zone”. Again, clearly she didn’t go to my school either. You had to give a blowie to get outside the Friend Zone. More than one. She trip-traps back home, where she is grilled by the other girls. She reveals that she kissed Spencer and Chloe goes “awwwwwwwwwwwww” like she means they petted ducklings together. Khloe demands to know whether it was a “kiss-kiss” or a snog, and Helen twists around like a girl who just took her first communion and says they done BOTH. It was GREAT. She really got her lips going! It lasted about a minute! Khloe suggests that Helen go give herself a hose-down, and manages to hold her “tee-hee” smile for a good 7 seconds before it contorts into an angry sneer. Good going.
Helen getting a pokey snog has rattled the other girls, leading to Marissa, Khloe and Jess holding a Council Of War on their bedroom floor. Chloe hangs round the edges, just because people are bitching and why not? Khloe snorts that she NEVER foresaw Spencer kissing someone like Helen. Jess sighs she really can’t see “someone like Helen” on Spencer’s scene, and Khloe gripes that maybe he wants a change of scene. To the VIRGIN Scene. Because some men really like VIRGINS don’t they? BLOODY VIRGINS WITH THEIR BEWITCHING HYMENS. Jess tells everyone, in her worldly wise manner, that just because Helen is a virgin doesn’t mean she’s not a sexual person. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t have it inside her.
I think it does mean that Jess. I think it does.
From her bunk, Marissa says that she thinks Helen is a dark horse, just because she’s different from the rest of them. In that, minor bouts of screeching Bible verses about her enemies being smited aside, she seems kind of normal? Oh no, wait, it’s because she’s a VIRGIN.
Next day now, and it’s time for a SOLO DATE CARD!
“Come with me for a stroll through the vines, followed by some classic wines”
It’s for…oh shit, it’s Marissa. I feel this is being solely done to punish me for claiming loudly over and over again that no girl would go home on a solo date. She’s about to get Brandy’d so hard. Chloe whines from the side that she wanted to go on the wine-tasting date. Unfair. I guess, six episodes in I’d welcome a wine-tasting date, and I don’t even drink it. Jess waggles her eyebrows at Marissa, and asks her if she might go in for a kiss tonight. Yes because she’s normally so demure. She says “yes” and then starts talking about how Spencer has not tasted her sweet’n’sour yet.
BVM explains how the solo dates work again – it’s an excuse for individual girls to get their screen-time amped up, so they are developed more fully as characters so they can properly feel like real candidates during the end-game. Unless they’re as awful as Marissa, in which case they break the whole system and go home. Marissa packs, and starts saying that she doesn’t want Spencer to think she’s geeky and boring, and Jess reassures her that Spencer could never ever ever think that. Being the mistress of “Not Boring” as she is. Marissa then giggles “GEEKY GLASSES!” and Jess says “no Marissa!”, clearly with absolutely no clue what’s she’s going on about.
The date, in case you hadn’t got the picture from the very subtle clue, is wine-tasting in Chianti country. Spencer interviews that Marissa has always been a very jokey character, and spent a lot of time playing up for the crowd (/cameras) but Spencer is eager to find out if there’s anything more to her than that. Marissa meanwhile interviews that she hopes to show Spencer a more serious, sensible, and normal side.
SPOILERS : there isn’t. She doesn’t
Their walk through the Tuscan vineyards begins with her telling him that she really wanted to discuss serious things with him, but she found it very hard to do with one hand up his arse. Eh, she’s not trying hard enough. Then they drink wine, and it’s disgusting as watching people drink wine always is, and then Marissa talks about sucking cock some more. She interviews that she’s always really flirty with Spencer, and it’s such fun. Oh Marissa, repeatedly saying “I LOVE TO SUCK!” and nothing else, is not flirting. Not even in Coventry.
Back with Spencer she tells him that he’s very sexy when he explains things to her, but she’s worried that he thinks she’s too outrageous, and she’s not the sort of girl he’d take to meet his parents. He might find himself thinking “oh my God, what is she going to say next?”. I love that Marissa is the sort of super-predictable girl who thinks she’s really wacky and spontaneous and unpredictable. Spencer asks if he should be worried about taking her home to meet his parents and she says she doesn’t think so. YEAH, OK.
This causes Spencer to interview that he’s just now realised that the next stage of the competition is meeting people’s families, and the thought of sitting around with a whole family of Marissas is too much to bear. Oops, sorry, he says this means it’s getting serious and he REALLY doesn’t want to keep in any girls who he can’t see himself with/ would break the show’s budget with expensive trips to…whichever country Marissa is from. I forget.
Back at Villa Spencer 2.0 , Chloe wisely interviews that Marissa won’t get any further unless Spencer sees another side to her, and soon. Khloe interviews that she’s got no doubt in her mind that she’ll see Marissa walking back into the house soon, with a big grin on her face, saying she’s kissed Spencer. As if there was any doubt still in your mind as to which is the more astute K/Chloe. Aisha interviews that the rest of the girls in the house definitely will see Marissa as a threat, but then they all see whoever gets the most recent rose as a threat anyway. She’s not even trying to appear like a contestant any more.
Back with Spencer & Marissa now, and Marissa chuckles “WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET THIS ROSE?” and then Spencer dumps her on her face harder than a botched Olympic vault. Let’s be friends, you’re a super girl, I need to be true to myself, I’m doing this for your own good, I really wanted this to work out with you, I really care about you, OOPS, BYE! Then everyone randomly starts crying like Schindler’s Dollar Baby even though it’s EFFING MARISSA. Also I think the soundtrack people are trying to cue up some sort of knock-off Last Emperor strings for this bit which…amazing. Marissa leaves on a sad note, sprawled on the grass, crying, and saying that it’s so hard to find love in life, and she’s made a very real effort, and WHEN WILL IT HAPPEN FOR HER?
Bye Marissa, you loon.
Evening draws in, and it’s time for the Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Khloe brushes her face with lots of slap, and says she’s really excited to see Spencer come back, and also Marissa with him. Helen philosophically says that at this point you’ll stay if he (/the producers) wants you to, so she’s just going to have to roll with it. Jess applies her own foundation, ready to sink back into oblivion until Episode 9, having spent an entire episode being visible and that.
Everyone convenes outside, and Khloe asks “where’s Marissa? I’m really looking forward to seeing Marissa? I wonder if she’s got a kiss! Let’s all do a toast to Marissa” that I’m starting to think she *knows* and is doing this on purpose, ready for a teary eyed farewell to her Genuine Friend, before rounding on Tabby for DARING TO SURVIVE. Here’s hoping anyway. Chloe for her part says she thinks Marissa will have managed to be serious for a whole 5 seconds before lapsing back into her cartoonish persona. Right on Chloe.
No, I don’t know why I found the relentless surface-level clowning funny in the case of Brandy and not in Marissa. Maybe because Brandy was actually funny? Or I’m just a big ol’ racist.
Anyway, Spencer comes back alone, hair collapsed like a crap souffle, and he tells all the girls that his solo date with Marissa reminded him just how serious and intense this has all become (*guffaw*) and he couldn’t see strong feelings developing between him and Marissa, and that’s why “she’s no longer with us”. Intense. Everyone says “fuck” a million times, and then Khloe says “this competition just stepped up a notch”. Mmm, yeah, totally did. Aisha interviews that nobody could have guessed that Marissa was about to leave. Apart from, you know, everyone sentient. Jess also says that nobody could have expected that, and Helen says everything just intensifies crazily. Chloe says to Khloe “on the plus side, we’re still here, LOL”. Oh Chloe.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME! Roses are given out in the following particular order :
Jess (Fine Art Rose)
Yes, that’s right, Aisha has been eliminated. Or at least she would be if she’d ever really been a contestant in the first place. She cares…about as much as you’d expect.
NEXT WEEK : Helen says “bitch”. Amazing.