The Bachelor 2 – Episode 5

Let the OilyLimpPrick Games begin!

I can sadly report that, after a week off, the awful Invisalign Bints have started harassing that Guardsman again. I hope he enjoyed his week of Annual Leave from groping.

To Tuscany now, as the general clog of used panties, discarded hair extensions, fake tan and sanitary towels has reached terminal velocity in Villa Spencer, and so it’s time to move on before Nicole Scherzinger arrives to judge the Overs on X Factor UK. Sadly we don’t get any footage of the transition, so we’ll just have to imagine for ourselves the footage of the driver repeatedly asking Brandy to sit down, because she’s not allowed to dance up and down the aisle in her bra & knickers, clutching a bottle of Lambrini and singing “Bonkers”. Boo.

Speaking of Brandy, she (along with the other girls still in the competition) is wandering Spencerwards now, as he rubs another handful of margarine into his hair. She’s wearing 15 pink rollers in her hair. I’ve counted. As the ladies tramp the streets of Northern Italy Bored Voiceover Man tells us mournfully that Italy has been home to so many of history’s most ardent lovers. Romeo. Juliet. Casanova. Nancy Dell’Olio. Roberto from Big Brother 6. That One With The Massive Norks Who Was Always On Eurotrash. And NOW it’s time for the Bachelor contestants to have their names engraved on the history of romance. In case you’ve lost track, and lord knows I have, here’s a quick reminder of who’s still in the running at this half way stage.

Aisha : the last remaining Fashion PA, who lost her father in a boating accident, kind of wasn’t into the Sexlympics, and is TOTALLY FINE with Spencer being Hot For Tabby, and thinks it’s REALLY SWEET
Brandy : the only person here admitting to being a Glamour Model. Humour is ALL SHE SHE HAS, which is more than good enough for this show.
Chloe: : secret lap-dancer, dancer for money. Evil, posh, kind of amazing.
Helen: : she’s just here to share the good word of our lord Jesus Christ. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t shag, what does she do? A great impersonation of Brandy for a start.
Jess : Crap-punning burlesque dancer who got busy in the hot-tub fizzy, but has not been heard of since.
Khloe : Not At All Posh, has shagged her way through Manchester City, and did not find the experience as emotionally fulfilling as she’d hoped.
Marissa : Over-sexed CHINESE but YOU WOULDN’T KNOW IT temptress and entrepreneur (ie she has an eBay account)
Renay : Our token “missing her kids” contestant. She didn’t used to fancy The Bachelor, but she’s alright NOW-WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Tabby : Neurotic cat lady who managed to hold out a whole four episode before snogging Spencer’s face off, and therefore our most virtuous contestant

Got it? Good. As the girls arrive at Spencer, he tells them that they look lovely (Khloe’s come dressed for The Apprentice, Jess is dressed as a Corrie barmaid circa 2001, Helen is a pharmaceutical sales rep trying to look non-threatening, Tabby, as ever, has come in Axl Rose’s cast-offs, Chloe is bravely embracing the ageing process by dressing as her mum, and of course Brandy has those fluorescent pink rollers in her hair but other than that, fair enough). He offers the women a hug, and then gives them the keys to Villa Spencer 2. You all know what comes next right?

That’s right, all 9 grown women sprint around the house with less decorum than contestants on Finders Keepers, jumping up and down on the beds and screaming. Helen’s rooming with Aisha, Chloe has a double bed all to herself, and Renay is perched magnificently on the top bunk, admiring herself in the mirror. But ENOUGH, says BVM, it’s time for The Bachelor’s first Italian Date Card. Don’t be getting confused and thinking there’s any actual Italian in it mind. (Bored Voiceover Man calling this “serious business” suggests he’s back on form by the way)

“Tuscany is the home to Renaissance Art, with Natural Beauty at its heart. Let’s follow in the footsteps of the great before, and celebrate the human form”.

LOL NATURAL BEAUTY, OK.

Going on this excuse to show tits and ar…I mean “date”, are Marissa (SURPRISE!), Chloe, Helen, Aisha, Jess, and Renay. The reaction from the crowd is a muted woop. As it would be.

Bored Voiceover Man rumbles on that this first date is an homage to the Renaissance sculptors, who as we all know, achieved the peerless form and aesthetic power of their work by shoving their bum-cheeks into Plaster Of Paris. The date will be taking place in Lucca, at the Villa Bernardini. Lucca is most famous for having intact city walls, which is more than most of these girls can say. Spencer greets the girls, in a particularly “I’M COMFORTABLE WITH MY SEXUALITY, JUST LIKE MARISKA HARGITAY” pink shade of shirt. He tells the girls that they all have to pick a partner, then select a part of their body to be immortalised in thick white goop.

One of my PE lessons went like that at school. We never saw that teacher again.

Teams are :

Renay & Chloe
Marissa & Jess
Helen & Aisha

Cut to Helen, dressed in her bikini, pointing and yelling “OH MY GOSH IS SHE DOING HER BUM!”. The whorses. Helen of course is doing her pinkie finger, as that is the only part of the female form clean enough to show to Jesus. Renay meanwhile has paired up with Chloe and is insisting on doing a cast of her boobs, but with her hands over them. Well that’s going to look stupid. That’s the reason they broke the arms off the Venus de Milo – because she was doing that. They also removed the little “News In Briefs” section on the plinth. We will never know Venus (22)’s opinions on the Roman occupation of Macedonia (*sniff*)

Jess interviews that this will be a great opportunity for some of the girls to get their best assets out, because they’ve been so covered up until now. She herself, is getting her boobs out, and is being admirably matter-of-fact about it. Chloe meanwhile, ponders what might be the most classy asset to reveal. Maybe a side-boob? Sounds right to me. Helen follows this up by saying that she’s done life-modelling before, and she LOVES to get naked. It’s so liberating! Also saves on dry-cleaning.

BVM tells us that whichever girls bits impress Spencer the most gets a rose (never has this show’s Objectification Agenda been so clear) and also gets the chance to force him to do a cast model of whatever part of his body they want. I hope they request a full body cast. Given the way Renay leaves later, I feel like he may wind up needing one. Everyone disrobes, and Chloe does her absolute best to look as dignified as possible. Spencer hovers around in the background staring at everyone’s naked boobs, snorting “this isn’t just an excuse to see you naked, honest, hurr hurr”. Blech.

Try to contain your surprise at this point. So, it turns out, that Marissa has decided that her team (of Marissa & Jess) are going to be the most daring, with her plastering her bum, and Jess plastering her boobs, without any hands covering them up or anything. She proclaims them the “Brave Team” for this. Truly Mitt Romney should be lobbying for THEIR busts to go up in the White House, not that bloody Winston Churchill. (For contrast, Aisha appears to be getting her shoulder blades done). Spencer wanders up for a perv at Jess, and says “oooh, the nips are done” to Marissa. Bloody racist. Although she will be glad that she’s confused him into believing that she’s not Chinese. From there he moves on to Renay, shoves his fingers down the crack of her cleavage, then wipes the emergent Plaster Of Paris on her face. Renay tells him to fuck off. As do the 200,000 (LOL) people watching this instead of all that awful multiculturism in the Olympic Opening Ceremony. A BROWN KISSED ANOTHER BROWN AND THEN THEY RAPPED IT WAS AWFUL.

Marissa’s got her arse out now, so Spencer sprints away from Team Renay & Chloe and interrogates her about what the feelings are currently like in her arse. She says she’s very worried that she can’t fart. Yes Marissa, you might explode. Or you might just start farting out of your mouth, like the rest of the cast.

Back at Villa Spencer 2.0, the three abandoned girls are stalking around the halls, plotting. Well, Khloe and Tabby are. Brandy is “enjoying some quality time alone” (*let the record state that the blogger made a “drinky drinky” motion*). Tabby is in the garden, wearing a floaty top, and doing some sketches of the statues, as Khloe STARES at her over the balcony. She interviews wistfully that it’s become really obvious that she and Spencer have a connection and she thinks this might cause the other contestants to become bitchier towards her. Here’s hoping. We’ve got a show to put on here. Khloe meanwhile interviews that she doesn’t see Tabby as a FRET. She spends the rest of the episode proving otherwise.

Back with the nudey naked people now, as BVM tells us it’s time for the girls to “reveal their masterpieces”. (*cut to Helen’s boobs sliding out of the mould*). Spencer congratulates Marissa on the detail she has captured in Jess’ areolae and tells her that her own work is “the finest arse cast he’s ever seen”. And he was on Made In Chelsea. Spencer curates the castings into a collection worthy of Charles Saatchi, as BVM actually says “lined up before The Bachelor, the girls body parts await his judgment”.

TAKE THAT EMMALINE PANKHURST!

Spencer tries to make out that they really truly remind him of old Italian art. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, YEAH OK. Anyway, Marissa wins the rose, because this challenge was made especially for her, by GOD. He was really impressed by how nonchalant she was about nudity. And additionally, she did well in this challenge. Marissa woops and accepts her rose. Spencer then talks endless bumwaffle about how Marissa’s comfort with nudity shows she is a liberated woman who is truly empowered and comfortable in her own body BLAH BLAH BLAH. YOU’VE ALREADY DESTROYED FEMINISM SPENCER, DON’T TRY WITH THIS SHIT NOW.

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It’s time now for Marissa to have her “private sitting” with Spencer. BVM ponders what she might do, now that she has Spencer all to herself, making her sound a bit like a Hollyoaks Serial Killer. What Marissa is actually doing with her time alone with Spencer, is making him plaster-cast his arse. I’m guessing that was her second choice… She grabs a fistful of Plaster Of Paris (which looks uncomfortably like cottage cheese in this state), and rams it right up Spencer’s arse. Christmas at her house must be fun. Spencer starts to worry that she’s going to manage to get a plaster-cast of his small intestine. It does seem likely. I’m half-expecting them to pull out the cast and for there to be a terrified looking gerbil attached to the end. Marissa repeatedly rams her fingers into Spencer’s sphincter, as he laughs nervously and tries not to spontaneously ejaculate. The prostate is a cruel mistress.

Marissa interviews, almost like a real person or something, that it’s been really great to get up and close and personal with Spencer, because none of the other girls have got to ram their ring finger up his jacksie yet. Don’t speak too soon Marissa… Exeunt Spencer, picking bits of plaster out of his arse-hairs for the next three episodes.

Hardcore nudity over with, it’s time to repeat one of the more memorable dates from last year. That’s right, it’s time for the Annual Bachelor Masquerade Ball! In attendance will be Spencer, the contestants, and “three of Spencer’s most trusted friends – Hugo, Tom and Spencer” (*unsurprised face*). Apparently Hugo is another Made In Chelsea cast member. He does very much look like the sort of person you always find hanging round the edge of groups of those sorts of people. Tom’s the one who’s probably the son of a Tory MP. Spencer 2.0’s the one you fancy and feel guilty about it because he said all those things about Palestine that one time. He WAS very drunk though. Hugo probably has the nicest car, but his overbite is TERRIFYING. All three of them are mostly serving to highlight just how short Spencer is.

Anyway, Spencer tells the three of them that this show is GETTING SERIOUS now, and he just wants to get to the bottom of these girls characters. He really wants their help in finding out who amongst these girls are pure innocent honest souls, and to eliminate them, because who wants to watch that? BRING ON THE SLAGS!

In the grounds of Villa Spencer 2.0 (in that it’s the second of the Villa Spencers, not that it’s the Villa of Spencer 2.0, although if it were that would only make my imaginary feelings towards him even more complicated…mmm…Tuscan villa…) the nobs have set up their little table and are getting ready to interview the girls. It’s like that round on The Apprentice, only without Claude, and therefore pointless. Brandy is up first, and Tom asks her to describe herself in three words. Brandy replies “FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC” then laughs her head off.

I’ll miss her.

Marissa of course immediately starts rabbitting on about sex, Aisha offers up that she’s getting old now at 27 (she’s had a birthday whilst on the show? WHY WAS THERE NOT A PARTY?) and she’s ready to settle down with Spencer and really ground him (zzzz), and Jess tells them all that she’s perfectly happy to have a man provide for her and she’s not really into that whole “independent woman” thing. Well, at least she knows her audience. Khloe gushes horribly that whenever she’s around Spencer, she knows it sounds crazy, but she CAN’T HELP SMILING AND LAUGHING. Conservative Future (it’s their boyband name) laugh in her face and discuss how she’s not really the sort of girl they’d go for. Tabby tells them she’s REAL, not like some of these girls, but she’s not going to name names because she’s not that sort of girl. The interesting kind. Chloe gets grilled over her being a big old stripper who strips, and she says that it’s only a part-time thing, and she would never expect anybody who cares about her to be ok with it.

Well that sounds like a healthy attitude.

Helen meanwhile distributes some pamphlets and tells the boys that she’d really appreciate it if they’d use all their money to fund her mission to the Central African Republic. Just £5000 a month could help fund a well, a Bible distribution programme, and also a nice house for her to live in and judge everyone from. OK, not really, she’s just talking about how she doesn’t believe in “sex before love”, and then clarifies that she doesn’t necessarily mean “sex before marriage”. Well that explains why she’s still here then. The inquisitors agree that she is the nicest girl so far. Then Renay walks up. Well that state of affairs isn’t about to change then.

Spencer 2.0 asks Renay what she thinks about Spencer’s personality, and she replies that she’s really been surprised, because she’s found they have a real connection. He says that he always seems to know what she’s thinking, and Hugo replies that that sounds like it’s because they have a real connection. I think it might be because it’s not that hard. It’s like “think of a number” but with the numbers replaced by “my daughter”, “I’m bored” and “what shall I wear?”. Spencer 2.0 then asks Renay to tell them a little bit about her, and she says she’s fun, loving and loyal. And also a jealous psycho. After she leaves, Tom says that Renay is his favourite, totally and utterly. He’s really struggling to get his script off convincingly, poor love. I guess this is why he’s not in Made In Chelsea, despite the fact he’s clearly a MASSIVE STIRRER.

Time rolls on, to the point that everyone’s getting ready for the Masquerade. I wish every job interview I’d ever had had been immediately followed by a Masked Ball. Everyone dons all their best bling, and clamps their masks to their face. Helen’s is probably the most elaborate, and she interviews that wearing a mask makes her feel like a whole different person. SHE LOVES IT! SHE COULD DO ANYTHING! ALL BETS ARE OFF! I’m so so so sure. Brandy flips her hair back and forth, as Khloe rather terrifyingly morphs into Kathryn Jenkins. Aisha’s mask looks like she’s made it herself out of paper plates, and Marissa’s is barely even a mask, just some string slung under her eyes, with the rather unfortunate effect of making her looking like she has Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Eyebags Of DOOM.

The girls convene in a MYSTERIOUS ILLUMINATI MANSION, and begin dancing with Spencer’s mates. Spencer himself turns up later, and tragically his mask makes him look a bit like The Lone Ranger. Conservative Future (debut single : “Total Collapse Of The Banks : Austerity Remix”) have selected the three nicest girls for Spencer to dance solo with, based on their interviews. Hugo cloisters Spencer 1.0 into a corner, and they mutter amongst themselves about how Tom is looking a little bit distracted by Renay’s charms (/tits) and forgetting why he’s here. I think Tom knows EXACTLY why he’s here. But enough inter-boyband bitching, it’s time for the first winner of the Battle Of Spencer’s Mates : Posh Chloe. Hugo thinks she has a lot to say to Spencer, and he knows there must be a lot of things Spencer wants to say to her. Mostly about being a bad ass strippa in the escalade.

Spencer 1.0 peels Chloe off a production crew member, and asks her off to dance with him. Turns out he means in a metaphorical sense, as he takes her out to the balcony and tells her that he’s really had a serious think since that conversation where he told her that he’s totally fine with her being a stripper, and SURPRISE SURPRISE he has completely changed his mind and is not fine with it, and thinks it’s a shame that such a lovely girl sells her naked body for money and the approval of men.

LINED UP BEFORE THE BACHELOR, THE GIRLS BODY PARTS AWAIT HIS JUDGMENT.

(All I’m saying)

Chloe’s all “well this is a massive surprise” and internally rolls her eyes at the predictability of it all. She bats right back on the offensive and calmly asks if this is why he’s been completely ignoring her since she told him her secret (SPENCER’S SUCH A PRIZE) and Spencer whines that he would have liked to have known earlier. Chloe’s pulls a baffled face and asks when she was supposed to tell him, and then Spencer gets all “let’s not fight about it, you’re a super girl, stop being so EMOTIONAL” at her. Ugh. He then offers the ultimatum that’s been brewing for a while – give up stripping, or give up Spencer. Chloe says that it’s an easy choice. I’ll say.

Chloe then interview that she’s really glad that Spencer forced that choice on her, because it shows he really cares about her, because only someone who truly loved her would offer an ultimatum with “my dick” as one of the two alternatives on offer. SUCH A SWEETHEART. Spencer then interviews that he’s really happy that Chloe is willing to stop doing lap-dancing for him. Or something like that. I was too busy throwing my remote around my living room to really hear properly.

BVM says “Hugo’s first choice proved to be inspired, but can he sprinkle a little more love dust with girl number two?”. I think BVM might have been enjoying a bit too much of the complimentary champagne. You know, in his greenhouse, or wherever he’s recording this. Anyway, Choice 2 is Brandy because she’s desperate. Hugo thinks she is doing her “big loudness” just to get Spencer’s attention. Well yes, why else would anyone do anything? Brandy’s “big loudness” is currently manifesting itself in her giving Tabby a piggy-back around the dance-floor, screaming her head off.

Spencer wanders up to Brandy and asks if she’ll join him. Brandy giggles “OH, ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE PROPERLY?” and Spencer replies “well I wouldn’t know, but I’ll give you a go”. Brandy then yells “OH YOU’LL GIVE ME A GO WILL YOU, F’NAR F’NAR!”.

BRANDY FOR STRICTLY 2012! FUCKEZ LES SLAGS, DONNER MOI LA GLITTERBALL!

Two steps into their “dance”, Spencer asks Brandy to come outside and have a chat, because he doesn’t think they’ve spoken enough. I concur. Outside Brandy and Spencer try and have a serious conversation. And fail. Let’s move on. Seriously, Brandy drops her voice about three octaves to try and sound serious, and just goes “awww God, AHHHHH” a lot. Not fun. She closes by saying “I wish it could have been more natural”. Bit late for that, dear.

Meanwhile, back at the ball, Tabby has Aisha trapped, and is whining on to her about how Spencer isn’t paying her enough attention. Yes, heaven forbid he go half an episode without giving you a rose. She tells her that she feels like she’s being pushed to the background now because she got on so well with him in the beginning. Yes Tabby, you’re so in the background (*cut to last episode, Tabby getting fingerbanged by Spencer on a hammock in full view of all the other girls whilst Aisha mews “AW IT’S SO SWEET – THEY’VE GOT A REAL CONNECTION! AWWW! INNIT LOVELY?”*). Aisha just waits for Tabby to stop speaking, and then tells her to stop overthinking. That would be my general approach yes.

The third girl to get some alone time with Spencer is Helen, who is currently in the middle of dancing with Tom. Spencer cuts in, and Tom looks mildly aggrieved. Poor Tom. It’s no wonder he metaphorically shits on this show’s lawn in about 5 minutes time. Spencer asks Helen to come outside with him, where they can chat, and also “lose the masks”. Boo. Helen + Mask = WILD HELEN apparently, and who doesn’t want to see that? Flinging her rosaries out the window and dancing the Charleston like a good time girl. They go outside, and Spencer tells Helen that all his friends love her (/are pranking him by trying to get him to date a girl who refuses to put out) and he thinks that’s really cool. It means he sees her in a whole new light, and made him realise that they haven’t really spent much time together. Or indeed, any time together.

Helen tells Spencer that all her relationships before have come from friendships, so this is really new for her. But she’s finding herself having SO MANY FEELINGS around him, and it’s really nice. Spencer tells her that she’s a really sweet and genuine person and he feels the same way about her as she does about him. Except with more…below the waist
feelings.

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Back to the ball now, and it’s time for Spencer to decide which of Conservative Future’s choices gets his second pre-ceremony rose. IT’S HELEN. They go back outside, and Spencer repeats that all of his friends loved her. Helen graciously accepts the rose, then does an amazing White Girl Elaine Benes dance on the lawn of the MYSTERIOUS ILLUMINATI MANSION to celebrate. Bless her, the mask really has made her go a little crazy.

And so, the ball is winding down…but it’s not over yet. BVM tells us that traditionally the Masked Ball “is a hot bed of dark secrets and twisted loyalties”. Cut to Ollie and Spencer 2.0 bitching behind their hands like a couple of schoolgirls in the corner, and Renay huffing loudly to Chloe that Spencer hasn’t even LOOKED at her all evening. He just said “hello” and that’s it. *pout*. In the best tradition of all jealous wingmen, Tom takes this as his chance to strike, as he approaches Renay (lest we forget “his favourite” of the girls) and asks if she’ll come outside with him, clearly hoping the cameras aren’t going to catch it.

They retreat into…I dunno…a cupboard or something, and whisper furtively about how to turn off their mics. Tom fluffs “shall we turn them off? How do we turn them off, I can’t turn mine off” and Renay, with a note of exasperation, says “on the side”.

AND THE REST IS A MYSTERY!

Cut to the next morning, with all the girls recovering with hangover heads, lounging over the edge of sunchairs and lolling by the pool. Except Renay, who is sat under a tree, with only about two layers of make-up on (so you KNOW something’s up), with one sleeve of her pink shirt draped artfully over her shoulder, hair in a scrawl, sunglasses wonked, SEETHING. She is so ANGRY. And UPSET. What is she upset about?

Well, apparently, whilst they were playing Fifteen Seconds In Heaven in that cupboard, Tom told her that Spencer’s NOT HERE TO FIND LOVE AT ALL! Renay was appalled! Brandy repeats this revelation, teary-eyed. Aisha meanwhile, muses it’s very convenient that Tom told exactly the person most likely to kick off over it, whereas if someone had told her she would have just shrugged it off. I can’t decide if Aisha thinks this was some sort of Ultimate Love Test to see if people would still be devoted to Spencer if someone tried to shake their faith in him, or if she thinks that this is all some ploy just to create drama, and she’s well aware Spencer’s not here to find True Love. I like to think it’s the latter, because it means she’s even more cynical than me. I thought it was just Tom trying to cop off with Renay in a cupboard. Which appears not to have worked because he apparently called her “stupid” for ever thinking Spencer was actually interested in something REAL. Poor Tom.

Renay of course has to bring her daughter into things, saying she is FEW-MING that Spencer has FORCED HER to miss her child’s LIFE for this joke. Mmm hmm. Brandy reads a book.

Anyway, it’s time for the second date card of the week.

“Come with me for an authentic taste of Italy – sophisticated, smooth and sweet”.

This date is for Khloe’s eyes only, and Spencer will be taking her to Florence, to appreciate all the culture you can find there. Poor Tabby. Still no date for her this week. My heart, it bleeds.

Cut to Spencer stood next to a horse and cart in Florence, awaiting Khloe’s arrival. He says she’s a beautiful girl with a real “heart of gold”. She’s one of the girls that makes him “really excited” about the whole process. Uck.

BVM Moment : “a full day alone with The Bachelor is a precious prize, but it comes at a price”

A precious prize with a price? You don’t say. Anyway, yes, this is the show still pretending there’s any chance someone on a solo date is not getting a rose. So convincing. Khloe marches up, and climbs into the horse and carriage. She interviews that with the other girls present, you normally get to have a bit of a flirt and banter with Spencer, but there’s never really any chance to have a proper one-on-one conversation. Yes, I’d imagine there’s a reason for that, as demonstrated by Brandy earlier.

Khloe and Spencer ride their horse and cart around Florence, and Spencer is being particularly phony-baloney about everything. I’m sure he’s rattled from Tom blowing his cover like that but “I’m loving the way that you’re being right now, because it makes me think that you care”. Who buys that? Khloe apparently. Things then take a horrific turn for the My Fair Lady, as Khloe wonders if she isn’t a little too “Working Class Barbie” to fit in with Spencer’s World. Spencer blusters that she SO IS his type, and he doesn’t have a clue why she wouldn’t think that. Maybe your best friends braying in her face yesterday?

Khloe interviews that she feels really nervous around Spencer, which is of course, as ever on this show, a sign of True Love. She doesn’t know what it is, but every time she’s around him she gets a big cheesy grin on her face. Yes, who can forget their beach date when she pouted the whole time and implied he was a fake shit who was stringing all the girls along? Such fun. Anyway, Khloe’s interview closes with her saying that she’s grinning so much that her “mouth will be hurting by the end of the day” and COME ON SHOW, THAT ONE’S JUST TOO EASY.

Sadly, whilst Khloe is grinning away merrily, back at the mansion, Renay is having a little war council, and has pulled in Helen. Renay rehearses out loud what she’s going to say when she next speaks to Spencer. It involves a lot of uses of the phrase “mugging me off”. Helen sits and nods and simpers about how it’s really hard now that all the girls there like him and it’s getting competitive now. I’m not sure if Helen’s actively trying to avoid talking about the resl issue, or if she knows that tugging at the curtain of this show too hard will get her cut next.

Also seething is Tabby, who is 5 pages into what looks like a celeb autobiography, and is really worried about Spencer’s supposedly burgeoning bond with Khloe. She’s worried that she and Khloe are so different that it means if he’s interested in a “girl like her” with “her upbringing” (how Downton Abbey) then he can’t really also be interested in someone like Tabby. At this moment, Khloe is talking to Spencer about how she has WORSE BUTTERFLIES THAN EVER. Normally people tell her that she’s hard-faced (REALLY?! I’M SHOCKED!) and that she needs to show her emotions, but with Spencer she JUST CAN’T HELP IT! (*terrifying Max Headroom Grin*)

Spencer tells her that that’s one of the nicest things any girl’s said to him (seriously, he’s 100% on autopilot here isn’t he?), says this has been his favourite date so far, and then they suck face outside a church. And then on the Ponte Vecchio. And then she gets her rose. How sweet. Khloe gushes fulsomely that she’s never been happier in her entire life, although it kind of sounds it’s more like because she’s appreciating Florence than Spencer. It is a very beautiful city. As the sun sets, Spencer says that he really fancies her, and hopes she feels the same way. He really hopes they could share something special. And other cliches.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party now, a little earlier than usual, so you KNOW something good’s about to happen. All the girls prepare their warpaint, and Jess pops back up to say “OH HI! I’M STILL HERE!”. Brandy says she didn’t sleep all last night because she’s so worried about how she messed things up at the Masked Ball. Marissa interviews that somehow she and Helen have both got a rose before the ceremony, and it’s really surprised everyone in the house. Yeah, me too, although if you’re both here after next week’s episode I will EAT MY (Brantano) HAT.

Spencer arrives, and kiss-kisses everyone, although Renay’s face is already wobbling all over the place, trying to look shady and annoyed. Spencer turns to Renay and asks what’s wrong with her? She’s all upset tonight! Renay then gives a FLAWLESS fake laugh and “AM I?!” combination. Generally I’ve found her a pretty draining contestant, but that right there justified her casting on its own. The other girls in unison suggest that she and Spencer go off to “have a little chat”. Well, Brandy says “chateroonie”, but…of course she does.

Spencer and Renay wander off into the garden together, and Spencer probes her further. Renay tells him she’s been really upset since the ball, because of the things she was told. Spencer says “by Tom?” immediately so clearly he’s been clued in at some point or another, possibly by Tom, possibly over the back of a Tuscan hooker last night, I can confirm nothing. Renay whines that she’s missing out on her daughter’s life for something Spencer’s not taking seriously. Spencer protests that he’s been honest from the start. He’s definitely looking for something seriously definitely, definitely with a girl in this competition. Definitely. Tom was just trying to see who was just there to be on tv. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure he was. It was all a TEST. Also Tom was drunk. Also, Tom is weird. Also, Tom really fancies Renay.

Jesus Christ, pick a line and stick to it.

Speaking of which, Spencer then whines that Tom has “overcomplicated a really simple process”, and it’s not fair on Renay that he’s done that. Renay smiles and wanders off to interview that she’s really confused, and it’s not a nice feeling. Spencer interviews for his part that Tom has thrown his big spanner in the works, and it’s really upsetting for Spencer. THIS IS A SERIOUS LIFE-DECISION BEING MADE HERE! THE SANCTITY OF THE BACHELOR IS AT STAKE!

In response to this, Spencer gives a big ol’ bullshit speech to the remaining contestants about how he is here for the right reasons, and this was all a FRIENDSHIP TEST A HA HA HA HA HA. Some quality primary school reasoning right there.

This speech over with, Tabby’s neurosis spills over, and she all but drags Spencer off into the bushes to have her fiftieth meaningful chat of the series with him. I’ve got a feeling it might wind up being about how incredibly clingy she is. Khloe meanwhile, looks on, pouting angrily, as Chloe morphs slowly into Faye from Steps. Tabby whines predictably about how Spencer’s been ignoring her, and she wants him to tell her that he still feels the same way about her. Whatever that was. Spencer wearily tells her that he definitely does feel the same way about her as the last time he talked to her. STOP OVER-COMPLICATING WHAT IS REALLY A VERY SIMPLE PROCESS, TABBY.

(*advertisement break*)

Are you READY TO RUMBLE?

Yes, it’s time for Khloe to randomly start a fight with Tabby for no reason. It starts, as all the best fights do, with an unflattering comedy impersonation by Khloe of Tabby acting like a hooty boot and then fake crying about how SPENCER DOESN’T LOVE HER, when she’s “had more roses than anyone else”. She noisily proclaims this to be FUCKING BULLSHIT and tells Tabby that she could “win a soap” with her fake acting. In fact Khloe has seen fake tits that are less fake than Tabby. I’m sure she’s looking at a few right now. It then all descends into Khloe and Tabby screaming at one another about the other THINKS THEY KNOW THE OTHER PERSON, BUT THEY FUCKING DON’T, WELL I WOULDN’T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW YOU ANYWAY MATE, I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS!”. Sadly nobody gets pushed into a fountain. Then Tabby runs off to cry artfully into a mirror about how she “appreciates Khloe being honest with her” (lol whatever), but she felt so ganged up on when she said all that it in front of everyone! BOO HOO, SHE REALLY LOVES SPENCER!

Fight Sidebar Highlights :

  • Jess twiddling her hair and picking at her nails throughout
  • Renay giggling
  • The point where Tabby realises she’s in a fight now, and gulps
  • Helen playing the “I’m sitting down, so I cannot be dragged into this” card
  • Brandy drinking
  • Tabby being REALLY COCKNEY when she’s angry
  • Tabby being REALLY POSH when she’s weeping into her mirror afterwards
  • A random cameraman HURLING himself out of shot
  • A random researcher not doing the same, and just kind of standing there (or maybe it’s the MISSING 25TH CONTESTANT)
  • Helen ushering Tabby off going “KHLOEKHLOEKHLOEKHLOEKHLOEKHLOEKHLOEKHLOEKHLOE”
  • Brandy drinking some more
  • Khloe downing her champagne in one go at the end, all “I WIN!”

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Receiving roses this week are :

Marissa (Best Arse Cast Rose)
Helen (Spencer’s Friends Choice Rose)
Khloe (Our Day Out In Florence Rose)
Renay
Jess
Aisha
Tabby
Chloe

Meaning that Brandy is tonight’s victim. Oh well. It was always going to happen, sooner or later. Spencer says he just can’t see her as being his girlfriend, and that’s really what it’s all about at this point. Brandy says that she’s not going to give up hope – she knows the right guy is out there for her! (*waves*)

Oh wait, I missed out the part where Renay told Spencer to stick his rose up his arse, because she doesn’t believe a word he said any more, and Spencer assumed she was still talking about her daughter (fair assumption most of the time) and she reiterated that no, it’s because he’s full of it, and then Spencer snivelled that now he KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR A GIRL, IN THIS WORLD.

Of course Renay then spoils it slightly by being all “BUT HE CALLED ME NAME FIRST! SQUEEE!” about it but, whatever. This show’s been asking for it all episode. What a fun ending this has been.

Next week : PUGEL STICKS! HUZZAH.

8 thoughts on “The Bachelor 2 – Episode 5

  1. Ruth Newman (@RooNew)

    Most of the time when I read your recaps I just want to highlight my favourite bits and squee like a Monkseal fan girl. To whit:
    “Marissa repeatedly rams her fingers into Spencer’s sphincter, as he laughs nervously and tries not to spontaneously ejaculate. The prostate is a cruel mistress.” ❤

    However, I shall endeavour to pad out my comment somewhat.

    a) no self-respecting female would come on this show unless they were using it to get media exposure and had no interest in pulling the Bachelor; the very nature of the show makes it inevitable that the women on it come across as competitive, shallow, insecure airheads. I liked Renay more when she was going round saying Spencer was a minger (I'm paraphrasing), though I admire her telling him to fuck off at the end of this ep.

    b) we know Spencer's a knob from Made in Chelsea; it's hard to believe him as a sincere romantic soul when we've seen him trying to pull his best mate's gf in another reality show

    c) if *I* were the Bachelor (unlikely, I'm neither male nor a user of hair product), and I genuinely felt that I could fall in love with one of the contestants, I wouldn't jeopardise it – that contestant would be under no illusions how I felt and they'd get an early rose every ep to prove it – otherwise there's the risk they'd do a Tabby and forever be resentful that during that supposedly romantic time when you first met and fell for each other, your beau was also off snogging other people in hot tubs and letting Marissa take his anal virginity.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      The whole thing is a very delicate balancing act for the women between being dramatic enough, pretending to be FALLING IN LOVE, and also pretending they believe the Bachelor’s constant BS. It’s a hell of an acting job, which I guess is why so many of them go mental and get Stockholm Syndrome and start to believe in it.

      (Also, because they’re all ments to begin with obv.)

      Reply
  2. Sting Thundercock

    I was amused by Spencer trying to claim that the casts looked like actual classical sculptures from an era which ended long before the invention of silicone breast implants.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      “I poured us both a vodka and Diet Coke, then went into his ensuite bathroom and stripped down to my underwear”

      Can’t help reading that in the voice of Victoria Wood.

      Reply

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