True love returns to Channel 5…
Previously on The Bachelor : Gavbot hunted for love around the French Riviera. He found a Lithuanian virgin, a cruise-ship singer with a massive chin, a vindictive glamour model with wonky boobs, Laila Moomintroll from X Factor what used to go out with Simon from Blue, Ola the Trolla, some poor businesswoman who thought a great idea for a photoshoot would be a pretend proposal, someone called April, something called Laura, some normal people, and best of all Cawwianne, who spoke like Joe Pasquale, shagged a cameraman (NO SHE NEVER, OH MY GOD *pounds pizza dough*), hurled abuse at her fellow contestants and whose mother was some sort of sinister triad overlord. Obviously Cawwianne won. Mostly because everyone else quit, because…well, did I mention Cawwianne?
Now it’s time for Spencer Matthews to try to…well not live up to last series, but be sufficiently bonkers and awful in his own right that I’ve stopped making jokes about it by about Episode 6. Let’s see how that goes shall we?
Our sponsors this year? Invisalign. Their ad bumpers appear to revolve around a bunch of feral slapper women trying to sexually molest a palace guardsman. And if I wanted to talk about that I’d recap Loose Women. (DAH NAH NAH NANNAH LOOSE WIMMIN!)
We open with the welcoming soothing tones of Bored Voiceover Man, telling us that 24 women are as we speaking heading to the French Riviera, looking for LOVE on a heartstopping ride (only if your heart gets into trouble at the thought of pootling around on a catamaran in pouring drizzle) through some of the most breathtaking locations in the world (said over a shot of Pisa, Italy’s shittiest shithole) (no offence Pisa). Their final destination? Love!
Oh boo, I was hoping their final destination was actually Final Destination and that the runner-up would get killed by an exploding Heath-Robinson kettle.
*cue Rihanna screaming about how she wants to FEEL LIKE THE ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD or failing that she’d settling for a quick finger round the back of Lidl*
We open in Beaulieu-sur-mer, as the girls settle in to their accommodation, and go through the usual reality show traditional preparations of applying foundation, applying lipstick, applying mascara, applying shoes (with aid of a hammer to smash those troublesome bones that keep on getting in the way), and delivering vapid talking heads. Some girl with more hair than face says that EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS LOOKING FOR LOVE and she believes that EVERYONE’S GOT A SOULMATE. Well nice to see we’re starting as sappy and chick-lit as we mean to go on.
Although now that “chick-lit” is apparently solely encompassed by 50 Shades Of Shit, she should have given a brief comment about wanting to accept Spencer’s rapidly expanding member into her sex with, like, nipple clamps and a dildo and maybe some Primula or something.
Anyway, this gonk is Sophia who describes herself as a true romantic. Her chyron describes her as a Finance PA. I think her chyron is more accurate. You’ll be surprised to hear she’s looking for The One. Or, at least, a presenting gig on The One Show. Next up is Tabby who looks a bit like if someone went into a plastic surgeons and asked for a “Billie Piper”. She tells us that she goes a bit crazy when she falls in love. Here’s hoping. Chloe (looks a bit like the mum from Sugar Rush, quite posh) says that she gets a lot of attention when she goes out, but it’s always from the wrong people. Slimebags, the overly competent, raging lesbians.
(This means that Chloe got told she had nice shoes in a gay bar once)
Next up is Khloe, with so many years of class struggle represented in that K, as well as her peroxide hair and blarting mouth. She’s from Manchester, and wants to meet someone who will be her best friend and who she can call her rock. Why not The Rock? That seems the easiest way of going about it.
But wait! Enough of these blatherings! Bored Voiceover Man has something to say! Even though these girls are looking for love, they have no idea who the man they’re all competing for is. And after they meet him, they still won’t! But for the benefit of the rest of us, here is a quick guide to the enigma that is Spencer Matthews :
- He’s one of those people with great big pecs/muscleboobs, but no abs, so his torso kind of looks like an angry ghost
- He enjoys driving Ferraris although, as we will see, not as much as he enjoys riding motorcycles
- He’s a reality tv SUPERSTAR
- His romantic shenanigans have apparently landed him the reputation of being the “ultimate Chelsea playboy”. John Terry came second.
- “He’s got the looks, the millionaire lifestyle, and most importantly, the camera-crew following his every move, that makes him the ideal catch for this pack of ravenous famewhores”
- What he really wants though, is someone to share all this lovely money with. Oooh, oooh, I’ll do it Spencer! One blow-job a week and I’ll tell you you’re pretty. I’ll live in the lodge with my actual boyfriend, nobody need ever know! *wink*
- Spencer really enjoys the feeling of falling in love. It’s utter bliss. This is why he cums every time he walks past Harrods and catches his reflection in the window. So embarrassing.
- Spencer enjoys going for long runs in the park, once all the dog shit and poor people have been removed.
- Spencer has a friend called Richie, who clearly doesn’t appear on Made In Chelsea, because he’s not nearly “aspirational” enough
- Spencer believes that sometimes he is too honest with his emotions, as some of us may have seen on Made In Chelsea
- I have not seen this on Made In Chelsea, because I would rather spend an hour of my life licking batteries
- And yet I’m watching this
- Ponder on that
- Spencer’s a massive slag, and the sort of massive slag that fetishises the sort of relationship he imagines that his parents have, and those are the WORST KIND
- Spencer waxes himself within an inch of his life
- Spencer’s mum’s a total cougar MILF
- Spencer’s mom has got it going on, she’s all I want and I’ve waited for so long
- Spencer can’t you see, you’re just not the guy for me, I know it might be wrong but I’m in love with Spencer’s mom
And then the best part happens, totally outside of bullet-points, in that Spencer full-on mounts a stationary motorbike and starts stroking it and rubbing it and twisting the handles and licking the rims and sticking his dick up the exhaust pipe and stuff. It’s like watching one of those documentaries about women who marry their car or the Eiffel Tower or David Gest or something. I’ve seen more erotic energy in that sequence than I imagine I’m going to see for the next 10 weeks of this show.
OK, back to the talking heads now, I know all I ever wanted to know about Spencer Matthews.
Rachel is a dancer from South Shields and has a great big blonde face, and is clearly only here because So You Think You Can Dance UK got cancelled. She giggles that this is her last chance, because if The Bachelor’s crack-team (/team on crack) researchers can’t find an eligible man for her, than what hope does she have on her own? Danielle tells us that she likes a bad boy. Danielle works in mental health care. Think on. She also really just hopes The Bachelor is FIT. Danielle is my favourite. Sophia hoves back in to view at this point, as if we’ve not heard enough, and she squeals that she loves RUGBY PLAYERS AND SPENCER FROM MADE IN CHELSEA! She would.
Also, HOW CONVENIENT.
Jerri is a Promotional Model and looks a bit like if someone drowned Nicola McLean and her ghost came back for revenge. She says she hopes The Bachelor isn’t POSH or nuffin’, because that would be just awful. Spencer meanwhile is titting around without his shirt on, saying that he’s worried he might not live up to the girl’s hopes. Bored Voiceover Man zooms back in to say that Spencer is right to be worried, because these girls have high standards, after all, this is The Bachelor. Never have I heard such sarcasm. Yes, truly, Spencer is paying for his shopping via the “7 STDs or less” checkout.
As if to illustrate this, Jess (yet another dancer, make a spreadsheet like what I do) says she hopes The Bachelor is good-looking. Actually, given that there were strong rumours The Bachelor was going to be Frankie Cocknose from X Factor, she’s probably right to be concerned. Renay (looks like Chelsee Healey had a sister who made better surgery related choices) says she hopes he has nice teeth. Or, indeed, any teeth. Given that The Bachelor was supposed to be Frankie etc etc etc… Meanwhile Megan is a professional footballer from Stevenage (I’m SO sure she’s winning) and so would like someone sporty and also well-groomed. She also seems to have ALREADY formed some sort of pseudo-lesbian alliance (like Zivile and Nikki last year) with Danielle, as they are both lounging around wearing only towels for this talking head, SO RANDOM AN AMAZING.
Rachel with the giant face returns to say she’d like to find a straight guy who dresses like a gay guy but who “is also a man”. Rachel and her giant face can fuck right off. Jess wants “a man who looks like a man”. Go tell it to Sinitta dear.
It is at this point we get our first “I’m not here to make friends” of the series. It’s from Khloe. (Someone said that to me at work the other day. I don’t think they fully realise why I found it so amusing) It’s also time for our first “I think the other girls are jealous of how intelligent, sexy, sexy and sexy I am”. It’s from Natalia who is a rather Russian-sounding actress. The fact that she’s a narcissist makes me excited we’ve got our first official villain. The fact that she’s 31 years old makes me sad that she can only last about 3 episodes on this Logan’s Run. Also providing our tokenistic “exoticism” is Chinese Marissa, who is an entrepreneur and who views this competition as a BATTLEFIELD. Renay pops back up, clearly jealous that Natalia has stolen her villain thunder, and says that she is highly memorable and gives off an “aura” as she waggles her head around like she’s auditioning for the role of the mother in the porn version of Precious.
REAL WOMEN MAKE SACRIFICES! SEXY SACRIFICES!
We return to find Spencer wandering up and down the steps to the villa that will house these psycho-bitches for most of the next 10 weeks, fiddling with his ring. I know, on national television and everything. The ladies meanwhile are being driven up to the gates, and our first limo seems to consist of four women bouncing and squealing away dressed in ridiculously showy party dresses right out of one of the cheaper episodes of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model, with Amy Lee from Evanescence sat in the corner in a denim jacket looking bored off her tits. She’s my second favourite. Spencer gushes that he keep on switching from being nervous to being excited, because he is only capable of feeling one emotion at a time. And most of the time, not even that. He’s hoping to form an instant spark with someone, because he’s “one for being struck, right from the very beginning”. Here’s hoping.
As our first limo finally pulls up, Rachel screams “IT IS! IT’S SPENCER! BLESS HIM, HE’S LIKE STANDING THERE LIKE WAITING!”. So on top of everything else, Rachel is a Made In Chelsea super-fan. Great. Marissa exits the limo first, and makes sure to give the cameraman a great big look to make sure she just did it right. So awkward. We see an interview with her saying she doesn’t find Chinese men attractive, so she’s come all the way to London to find her dream man. When she arrives at Spencer, she gives him a quick kiss-kiss and demands that he guess where she’s from, with her Chinese accent, and looking Chinese. Spencer guesses “China?” and Marissa squeals ANGRILY that he’s NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT! NOBODY KNOWS! EVERYBODY ELSE GUESS WRONG! THEY ALL THINK SHE COLOMBIAN! She then reveals, of all thing, a fan which she wafts around seductively.
I think Marissa has issues, which I will find it quite hard to mock without feeling a bit racist. FUN FOR ME.
Next up, it’s Jeneva, who is an actress from Cornwall. She looks, facially, like EXACTLY the sort of girl you’d expect Spencer to marry, then dump at the age of 38 when she starts to look a bit like Clare Balding. Blonde wavy, straw-coloured hair; very pretty soft slightly drunk eyes; big old square jaw. Bored Voiceover Man voice-overs that Jeneva has a very SPECIAL AND UNIQUE tactic for attracting a mate. Jeneva reveals in interview that she likes to treat men mean to keep them keen. Bored Voiceover Man is ON FIRE this series. When she arrives at Spencer she gives him the sort of handshake that BEGS to end in the man kissing the woman on the wrist, which Spencer politely ignores. Oh Jeneva. Once she arrives in the villa, she and Marissa give exactly the sort of champagne-glass chink that suggests that they’ll be ripping one another’s extensions out in 3 episodes time.
Next out of the limo is Khloe, and Bored Voiceover Man drones that, at the age of 21, she is already “a legend on the Manchester social scene”. Apparently this is because she shagged Mario Balotelli then sold a story about it to the papers. Oddly enough, this is my own personal research. The show doesn’t mention it. I guess he’s no Simon from Blue. She and Spencer kiss-kiss, then he asks her how it feels to be in the South Of France, because clearly this girl has never been out of her dustbin in Wakefield. Khloe responds to this patronising by dithering “I DON’T KNOW!” like Les Dennis’ Mavis Impression never died. Jolly good. She giggles that she’s nervous, and Spencer tells her she doesn’t need to be nervous, with a line-delivery straight out of an episode of Criminal Minds. Khloe tells us all that Spencer looks a lot better looking in real life than you might think from watching him on tv. Honest. (*producer with gun hastily edges out of shot*)
Spencer says all the girls so far seem really cool. All three of them. That don’t.
Next up, Katrina who is the one who had rocked up in a denim jacket and black leggings. Might as well have just turned up in her Hello Kitty pyjamas. She tells us that she thinks that the fact that she’s not turned up looking like a Dorothy Perkins advert might be to her advantage. Given that this show exists solely to sell dresses Katrina, I doubt it. Katrina tells Spencer that he’s looking very stylish tonight, and wanders off. Spencer says that he thinks Katrina was trying to make a statement with her outfit, but it’s a cool statement. Like if she didn’t shave her armpits or still listened to Natalie Merchant albums or something. Next up is Rachel, who worries that she might not stand out because she’s not capable of doing anything KERRAZY (*boggles eyes*). She instead decides to stand out by grilling Spencer over plot-points from Made In Chelsea. Ones that involve him having a girlfriend. Oops. Spencer lies that he wouldn’t even BE HERE if he had a girlfriend, but he’s DEFINITELY looking forward to talking to her a lot more about it later, honest. So shifty.
Next up, a bunch of meetings that go less well, although not so badly that they get to escape a montage. Megan the footballer does the whole thing with her hands on her hips, some girl called Iraida with a wandering transatlantic accent does a little pretend sexy strut up the stairs then gives Spencer a high-five before openly honking “NOW WHICH WAY DO I GO?”, Sarah (who is a student from Nottingham) just honks “YOU’RE VERY TANNED!” and Jerri’s meeting seems to go badly just for being Jerri. She is happy that Spencer is less posh than she was expecting. And also definitely better looking. The whole time Rachel stands there peering out of the window going “aw, bless them!”. Bloody Rachel.
Next up it’s Chloe, who the lesbians love. Bored Voiceover Man reveals that she’s got a double-barrelled surname, so she’s definitely well posh. She mounts the steps of the villa dressed in tin-foil, but it’s GOLD tin-foil, so that’s fine. She brings her own champagne glass with her, and mocks Spencer, saying that she feels like she should curtsey or something. Bored Voiceover Man snarks that Chloe and Spencer appear to be “cut from the same cloth”. I’ll say. She grins at Spencer that there’s a lot of girls in there, so she’ll think he’ll have fun. Then she pats him on the arse. She brays in interview afterwards that he’s clearly from a great background, just like her. Oh posh people. Spencer says that he loved Chloe’s dress, and she really stuck out as being confident without being arrogant. Also she was just 2 inches away from his prostate, so HURRAH. There should be a special rose just for that.
At this point in the show, everybody else is pissed (including me), but Spencer has to keep his hand firmly on the rudder, so he’s not had a drink yet. Hoping to remedy this is my hero Danielle, who brings out a shot glass of vodka for him, and also her boobs, as her dress reveals an angle of…let’s say about 200 degrees of boob, starting from the North Pole of her tit. Marissa peers through a villa window and acts SCANDALISED. Danielle interviews that the sort of chat-up line she most commonly hears is “SIT ON MY FACE!” although she thinks that might just be Norwich. She thinks she just needs to get out of Norwich. So my favourite. Also…it really isn’t just Norwich.
She lurches at Spencer, telling him that she’s here to GET THE PARTY STARTED. She then downs her shot whilst holding her nose, retches a little, and staggers into the house. Spencer tells her that this is just what he needed, and that there’s more drinks inside. Me too. In both cases. Marissa meanwhile, is still SCANDALISED.
Next up Renay stalks out the limo and interviews “I have no issues turning up the heat in regards to me being sexy”. Sounds like some quality R Kelly lyrics right there. Marissa stands at the window and snarks about her massive shoes as she clomps up to the house, and Renay hoots in interview again that if she fancies The Bachelor, she’s GONNA HAVE IM. Sadly, she does not fancy him. She thinks he’s fug. How convenient for her. She never wanted to win anyway! Spencer apologises to her if he smells of tequila, because Danielle just “took care of him”. Renay hoots that that was vodka and asks Spencer if he’s such an alky that he can’t tell the difference. I kind of like Renay now, it has to be said. As she leaves, talking about how fug Spencer is and how if she was the Bachelorette and he was a contestant, she’d send him home (…one day, hopefully…), he says he found her very “intenseful”.
I know Margaret, I hear Eton’s not what it was.
Slightly flustered, Bored Voiceover Man assures us that Renay is the only one not hypnotised immediately by Spencer’s Magic Stick, and everyone else totally fancies him. To prove this, we get our gushiest contestants – Aisha who wears a massive dress and is a Finance PA (maybe she can bond with Sophia in Loser Lodge), Alexis who is an American shop assistant who Jerri does NOT VIEW AS A THREAT, Rachel 2 who is a childminder who likes pretty guys and also an occasional bit of rough whilst she babysits Jenny, who is straight out of the Human League and at 21 is sick of just going out clubbing in town with the same old nob-heads. She’s from Derby.
Oh and also there’s Rebecca who is a “hair colourist”. Can you make a whole career out of that? Really? I feel like Phoebe Buffet in that episode of Friends where she gets possessed by an 82 year old massage client. Now I’ve seen everything, and can pass on to heaven. She also thinks that Spencer is the ideal man which, if anything, is even more bizarre.
So there! See Renay! Everyone ELSE fancies Spencer. You’re just weird! Speaking of which, here’s Sophia again, as the soundtrack plays the child-like xylophone music of psycho over her approach, just as used to happen last series every time ginger Carrie appeared on screen. We’re reminded that even before she knew who The Bachelor was she was scraping herself along the carpet in the name of Spencer from Made In Chelsea. Bored Voiceover Man asks if “the fairy tale to end all fairy tales is about to come true”. Such a sarcy bitch, I love him. Anyway, Sophia (who you will be surprised to hear does believe in fairy tales and is here looking for her Prince Charming) basically drive-bys Spencer, forgetting that she’s supposed to try to talk to him, not just peck him on a cheek and run away. Oh dear.
Next up, it’s Tabby, and her arrival is heralded with pseudo-rock guitar CLANGS as she tells us that she’s a bit of a wild one. Oh good. One Tabby rocker try-hard per lifetime is enough for me. Maybe the one from X Factor’s reality tv licence just expired and this girl’s inherited it. I hope she at least remembers to plug her guitar in. She reveals to Spencer that her real name is Charlotte, but all her friends call her Tabby. Because she loves cats. Nothing a man finds more erotic than a cat-lady. Tabby compliments him on his tan, and Spencer says he was on holiday for a bit before coming on the show. It’s definitely not waxing burn, honest. At the end, Tabby sort of walks the wrong way a bit, and finds this hilarious for the next half hour.
Bored Voiceover Man drones that Tabby has clearly left a strong impression on Spencer, so the other girls are going to have to go the extra mile to impress him now. Helen (a 22 year old Fitness Instructor from Middlesborough) does this by shaking her tits at him. Natalia the Russian Bitch gets Spencer to take a photo of them together, which doesn’t develop, and finally Brandy (pronounced “BRAN-DAY” or alternatively “cut-price Cawwianne”) (which is still good enough for me) does it by saying “ENSHONTAY, SHWAZAY MWAH!” before stalking off. Which, given that Spencer’s first language is French, is clearly an excellent choice. She interviews that she was out boozing with some of the local French girls last night (<3), and she got them to tell her how to say “fuck these other slags, CHOOSE ME” in French. But she didn’t remember it, so she just said that. She says this whilst hoiking her boobs like Les Dawson in drag. Again, she’s not quite Cawwianne, but she’ll do.
Last up is Victoria who has written Spencer a note. That’s nice.
The important part is that Jerri has taken over from Marissa on window-bitching duties permanently. These things are important.
Last up is Jess, that dancer from earlier who hoped that The Bachelor would be good-looking. She tells Spencer that he must be really nervous, so to calm him down, she’s going to tell him a joke. “What do you call a French man in sandals? FELIPPE FILLOPE!”. Spencer guffaws the fake laugh that only people who work in PR know, and asks Jess why she was thinking he’d be nervous. She says that it’s because, you know, there are 25 girls and only 1 guy. Men notoriously hate that sort of thing. Also I hope all these Finance PAs teach her how to count. Spencer whispers that he IS a bit nervous, but Jess isn’t to tell the other girls that. Mmmm, yeah, so sure.
Anyway, Jess says that she finds Spencer really attractive, and it has awakened her competitive spirit. GAME ON! Judging from the shots of the show’s inaugural cocktail party, she’ll have a job to match the competitive spirit of Posh Chloe, who is staring daggers at everybody in her eye-line. Everyone seems to have grouped up based on the colours of their dresses. There’s all the blue girls in one corner, the Belgian flag in another, and Katrina’s out on the balcony having a fag on her own. The champagne flows, and outside Spencer says that he definitely felt chemistry with many of the girls. In fact roughly about 15 probably. That’s the number he has to cut them down to, right producers? Jolly good.
Back to the villa now, and Bored Voiceover Man reminds us that Spencer just had a “brief encounter” with 24 glamorous women (Jess), but now it’s time to get to know them better. Yes, it’s time for Spencer to descend into the Drunk Tank. He wanders into the room, and says “hello ladies”. Sadly, not like this. He tells them all that he’s come there with “real intent” to find someone with “real meaning” to him and he just knows that that person is in the room tonight. I’m so sure. Renay pulls a face like you’d give to a 6 year old who’s trying to get your attention whilst you’re lounging by a pool, who you’d really quite like to bugger off and go back to bombing. Chloe meanwhile, gives an anaemic “woo” and toasts to nothing.
It’s time to Spencer to circulate the “cocktail party”. Given that they’re all just drinking champagne (and the vodka that Danielle smuggled in) I’m guessing Bored Voiceover Man is talking about the guests, rather than the drinks. They’re the tail, and he’s the YES YES MONKSEAL, VERY CLEVER. Anyway, awkward mingling abounds, as Spencer tries to work out who is worthy of his “First Impressions Rose”. It’s a tough slog, let’s be honest. Renay asks him if he’s used to girls throwing themselves at him (clearly in disbelief that anybody would) and Spencer says “not in such mass”. Is he calling her fat? Probably.
Bored Voiceover Man tells us that most men would be daunted by the thought of dating 24 women at once (yes, they’d hate it), but Spencer Matthews is made of sterner stuff. As he demonstrates when Marissa asks him if he’s dated a Chinese girl before and he replies “no I have not dated a Chinese girl before”. Such a trooper. Marissa replies “GOOD JOB THERE ARE NONE HERE THEN!”, before pulling out some prawn crackers to munch on. Tabby asks Spencer where he was born, and he replies “up near Nottingham”.
Helen reveals to Spencer that she doesn’t drink, and Spencer looks vaguely horrified. Well she’s out. Can’t hang around on Made In Chelsea if you can’t down the 16 voddies required, one per each take. They need that many to make everything look sufficiently stilted and artificial. OH MY GOD, I just realised this show is basically a “Hollyoaks : On The Pull”, but for Made In Chelsea. How exciting. Anyway, Spencer is bored of all these non-drinking riff-raff, and grabs Chloe (who pats him on the arse AGAIN) for an aristocratic bonding session out by the pool, alone.
He asks her why she’s here, is it for the RIGHT REASONS, and she replies that she’s come on The Bachelor because she really wants to settle down (as you do), with someone fun, exciting, new, totally outrageous and totally different. Well good luck with that. Spencer tells her that that’s totally him! He loves to do stuff that’s outside the bubble! (This means that he sky-dived once, and threw up afterwards). Chloe completely ignores this to snarl “I think we’ve got company”. Yes, Jess is hovering in the background, ready to pounce. With more jokes!
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? DOUG!
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? DOUGLAS!
What do you call a man with a plank on his head? EDWARD!
What do you call a man with three planks on his head? EDWARD WOODWARD!
What do you call Edward Woodward with no ds in his name? EWAR WOOWAR!
What do you call a man with a cliff on his head? CLIFF!
What do you call a man with a world of hurt in his head? GAVBOT!
She’s such a cut-up. Chloe tells Jess to go and top up her glass, given that she’s not got one, and Jess protests that she’s pacing herself (ON THIS SHOW?). Spencer then hands her his glass (ON THIS SHOW?) and Chloe suggests that they toast to Jess’…erm…something, clearly unable to find an appropriate burn in time to finish her cutting joke. I empathise. Jess interviews, all fake-innocent, that Chloe seemed a bit PUT OUT by her presence, but she’s here to win.
Jess and Spencer merrily chat away, and seem to be bonding, so Chloe announces that she was MEANT to be coming to Monaco for the Grand Prix already, so this is quite convenient for her, and also did she mention that she’s from Hampshire so she has a RILLY big house with RILLY big grounds, like everyone who’s from Hampshire does? Jess says she also loves going back to her big family house every couple of weeks and going on nice long walks, and Chloe snits that she really cares about her family, not fucking walking.
Spencer has totally checked out at this point, then interviews that poor innocent Jess just got beaten up by mean old Chloe. Maybe Chloe’s not the right girl for him after all. Still, she just got camera time, so she’s here for another 5 episodes at least. She stalks back inside and bitches to Sophia and Rebecca about how Jess was just a fucking embarrassment, fucking barging in on Chloe and Spencer’s fucking conversation, the fucking fuck, but it’s fucking alright because she thinks Jess just fucking fucked herself with that little fucking manoeuvre. Sophia laughs her head off, maybe because Chloe just reminde her of the start of Four Weddings And A Funeral. Great film.
Bored Voiceover Man tells us that the evening is still young, as Tabby does a little dance in the corner. The sort of dance that suggests that her shoes are already off, and her bra isn’t far behind. Iraida has Spencer tucked away in the corner, with Natalia and Katrina, and tries to get him to make a pinky swear right here that he won’t eliminate any of the three of them. I’d be down for that. Spencer on the other hand, demures. Iraida honks that she won’t tell ANYONE and then Natalia drawls “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COOL BECAUSE? YOU ARE A WINNER ANYWAY!”. Great.
Sadly, Rachel still wants to talk to Spencer about Made In Chelsea, so she drags him off outside to go over that episode where Olly got chewing gum in his hair (/HARR) and Caggy broke a nail trying to get it out. Also about this girlfriend he has. Spencer tells Rachel that he and Louise are really close friends who “have a habit of falling back into each other” (f’nar) but they’ve made a mutual decision that they work better together apart then they do together. And if you believe that sort of obvious horse-shit once you’ve left University, you frankly DESERVE whatever happens to you next. Rachel, of course, swallows it whole.
Fortunately, before she can embarrass herself any further, a wasted Tabby totters up and presents Spencer with a white rose “because he has impressed her the most”, before guffawing and making as if to wander off again. Spencer asks why she’s leaving, and Rachel hoots “STAY! STAY!” because she is at least quicker on the social uptake than Chloe is. So she stays and starts whittering on about cats some more. Oh Tabby.
Back inside, everyone’s getting even more drunk, but Brandy’s not got time for that shit. She theatrically rolls her eyes, and storms out into the garden to interrupt Tabby’s tales about her pussy. She overhears Rachel talking to Spencer about what he does for a living (“foreign exchange”?) so yells in “FEDEX! I USED TO DO THAT! I WAS A TRAVEL AGENT, IN CHARGE OF FOREIGN CURRANCY! I COUNTED ALL THE EURO IN, THEN I COUNTED ALL THE EURO OUT!…that was a bit crap wasn’t it? HA HA HA HA HA”.
Yes Brandy, yes it was. Spencer tells Brandy she’s clearly enjoying her “champers”. Yes, yes she is.
The evening is coming to an end now, so it’s time for Spencer to gift out his first rose. To Tabby. Wow, lean field. He tells her it was really nice to meet her, and she made the strongest impression on him. Tabby sigh-giggles “did I?”, a la Audrey Hepburn, and Spencer assures her that she did, because she’s so beautiful and elegant (?!). He tells her that he’d like to get to know her better, and she says “shit, this is really cool man”. She can’t WAIT to tell all her cats about it. On her MEOWPHONE. They kiss-kiss as Chloe looks on, FURIOUSLY. Spencer interviews that he really likes Tabby, and that she should dress this elegantly more often. Yes, the cats will have a field day with that taffeta. Maybe she should stick a couple of furry mice down there as well for them to play with.
Next day now, and the girls are back at the hotel, working off their hangovers. Sadly for them, The Bachelor (production staff) have come a knocking, and tell them it’s time for speed dating at the villa, so they’re to get ready as quickly as possible, because the bus leaves…REALLY SOON. Remember when they did this last year and half the girls couldn’t even be bothered to get out of bed? Amazing. Anyway, Marissa does another SCANDALISED gasp, Branday still has her rollers in, and Chloe is wearing the sunglasses of someone who spent a lot of last night getting other girls to hold her hair back whilst she called them all bitches. SHE’S FROM HAMPSHIRE! NONE OF YOU OTHER BITCHES CAN EVEN COMPETE WITH THAT! On learning that she only has 2 minutes to impress Spencer, she brags that she only needs 30 seconds. Spencer does not brag the same thing, oddly enough.
Everyone gets dressed in a hurry, as evidenced by the fact that Marissa is wearing a giant floppy hat and a tasselled grey swimsuit. She assures this that this, sadly, isn’t the look she’s settled on. Boo. Meanwhile Chloe noisily announces she’s going to GO WITHOUT A BRA. Desperate times and all that. BranDAY and Jenny from Derby have settled on a Union Jack dress and double-denim respectively. Can’t wait for the google hits to roll in from people looking where to buy THOSE ensembles. As everyone tramps out of their rooms, Natalia sighs “ai ai ai, what is she WEARING?”. She really could be talking about anybody. Including herself. She seems that sort of crazy. Everyone piles on the bus, and Jerri goes right to the back, REBEL CLASS-WARRIOR that she is.
Spencer interviews that last night there were some girls he really didn’t get to speak to at all. What a pity for them. Anyway, he hopes that the pressure of 2-minute speed-dating will bring them out of their shells, just so everyone in the cast gets to look like an idiot before he sends all the boring ones home.
Speed-dating takes place in wicker chairs by the pool, and it’s time for everyone to pull out their party pieces. Rebecca the hair-colourist plays tennis, Jeneva does ballet, Aisha does Bollywood dancing, Iraida talks about her PhD, Jerri talks about her work in recruitment and financial trading, Danielle talks about her work in a medium security mental health hospital where she restrains people daily….
Next into the chairs it’s Marissa. She complains to Spencer that when guys look at her they just see this Chinese girl with big boobs (*Spencer obligingly stares right down her top*) but then they realise that she’s NOT CHINESE AT ALL. Then she kung fu chops him. If only they also knew that she worked in finance. Spencer says “really? That’s very impressive!”. Then he pats her on the forehead and gives her a biscuit, the patronising tit. Brandy follows, and Spencer tells her that obviously she’s very punchy and funny, but does she have anything else up her sleeve? A softer side maybe? BranDAY yells “I’M NOT WEARING A BRA!”. Quite. Brandy brags that she’s very good at making pasties, because she’s very good with her hands. All that CRIMPING. How erotic.
Spencer interviews that he was hoping that Brandy’s hidden depths weren’t full of potato, beef and swede but…oh well. He is beginning to wonder if she’s here for THE RIGHT REASONS! (*drink*)
Next up with some exciting revelations is Helen, who reveals that only does she not drink, she’s also a virgin. Spencer looks like he can’t quite get her off the show fast enough. He interviews that he was shocked by what Helen just told him, but it’s not shocking. What? He also gives notice that he can’t get over the fact that she doesn’t drink. I’m starting to wonder if Renay might not have had a point. She’s in the middle of telling Spencer that she has a child, a fact which Spencer greets by telling her that it’s “very kind of her to tell him”. Remember when the cast last year dragged these exact same secrets out for an entire series before revealing them? These girls have no sense of drama.
Chloe is next in the chair, as Spencer asks her why she was so rude to Jess the night before. Chloe giggles, tosses her hair, and says she was just jealous a ha ha ha. This apparently is enough for Spencer. Also she says it’s really hard for her with 25 girls there, which makes me really hope this isn’t just because the contestants can’t count, and there actually WAS a 25th girl who had to be edited out for…reasons. Next up is Sophia, who is still staring at Spencer like he’s actually made out of chocolate, which she also loves because who doesn’t, right girls? She totters up, calls Spencer “Spency” and then acts SUPER SHOCKED that he’s only 23 years old. HE LOOKS SO MUCH…MORE MATURE! SHE THOUGHT HE WAS IN HIS 30S!
Well this is going well.
She reveals her really sappy, 12 year old girl views of romance to him and then, horror on horrors, busts out “WHAT STAR SIGN ARE YOU?!”. Spencer replies that he’s a Leo, and Sophia hoots that SHE COULD HAVE GUESSED! Oh Sophia. No. Once she’s finished she tells the other girls that earlier yesterday she was wondering if she made the right decision coming here, and now she knows that she did. Really? “YOU LOOK 36, WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?!” That was the right decision for your life?
Next up it’s Khloe, who apparently is “really popular with the other girls”. Sometimes I wonder just how sarcastic Bored Voiceover Man is actually being. She’s turned up like what would happen if you asked your dad to draw a young person these days, and she tells Spencer that she is here for the RIGHT REASONS and she thinks that Spencer is really fit. She really wants to meet a boy who she can tell everything and Spencer says that’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to him so far. Yeah, that’s because she’s not talking about you “Spency”, she’s talking about the Daily Star journalist she’s going to sell the story of your tiny winky to. She closes by telling Spencer that she thought he was going to be really “lah di dah”, but instead he’s really normal. Spencer says that it’s lovely to meet her, but her time’s not quite up. He then pulls “time for a quick blowjob?” stance (eyebrows raised, leaning back, crotch slightly thrust, arms outspread) but Khloe just settles for a hug. Wow, that’s classy for Manchester.
Khloe interviews that Spencer is a really nice guy who really put her at ease. She’ll see how things go, but for now she thinks he’s really fit. Good to know.
Most important thing? It’s pissing it down with rain for this entire section. HOORAY.
Time to find out who wins the Speed Dating rose. It’s Khloe, because she “really excelled in that chat”. Huzzah! Bonuses all round for Khloe! Excellent work! And now to MOVIDA FOR HOOKERS AND BLOW!
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony! And therefore lots of shots of being getting dressed and looking a bit worried. Spencer pushes around the obligatory pictures of the Final 24 and says that they’re all STARING AT HIM with their JUDGMENTAL EYES. See this is why he normally only fucks motorcycles. Maybe a bicycle if it’s late and he’s getting desperate. One time he did a tandem. Crazy times like these you can only get with a romantic abnormality like what Spencer’s got. Sophia meanwhile gushes that she’s really nervous. She should be. Renay meanwhile has decided that she likes Spencer now, but gives notice that if he eliminates her, she’ll pretend she never did. Brandy wonders if she might be a bit too much for Spencer. Even if you are, you’re more interesting than…(*check spreadsheet*) Sarah, so you should be fine.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME! Receiving roses, in this particular order, are :
Tabby The Cat-Lover (First Impressions Rose)
Not-Posh Khloe (Speed Dating Rose)
Danielle The Mental Health Worker Who Needs To Get Out Of Norfolk
Made In Chelsea Superfan Rachel
Jess With The Jokes
Jeneva Who Plays Hard To Get
Chinese Marissa Who Is NOT CHINESE
Russian Bitch Archetype Natalia
Aisha The Bollywood Dancer
Jerri Who DON’T LIKE EM POSH
Helen The Teetotal Virgin (WHAT?!)
Iraida The Intellectual
Renay Who Doesn’t Even Fancy Him AT ALL
QUICK! Name something about any of the girls who just got eliminated! Difficult isn’t it? Rachel 2, nevertheless, is SHOCKED! There were so many girls there who she expected to get roses who didn’t. Not that she’s including herself in that. Natalia clutches her rose to her bosom, and says that’s surprised Sophia didn’t make it, despite loving Spencer so much. It must be because she was so star-struck that she couldn’t make coherent conversation. As opposed to “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COOL BECAUSE?!”
Sophia for her start manages to make it off the show without having a meltdown. Or even crying. She’s not even trying. It is just left for Poor Katrina to wonder what could have been if she’d worn a dress like everyone else. Such is life Katrina. So many regrets.
NEXT WEEK : The photoshoots. I do hope nobody accidentally proposes.