The Voice – Episode 17 (Final)

HUFFLEPUFF WINS!

Previously on The Voice : everything? Steven was your guide through the choppy waters of Teams Tom and William, whilst I covered Teams Jessie and Danny. Just so there’s no whiplash from the breakneck changes in opinion between our two very different viewpoints, I’ll tell you now :

  • Tyler is yet another victim of the show’s unhealthy OBSESSION with male falsetto but is otherwise perfectly listenable.
  • Β Leanne has honest to God the least pleasant sounding voice out of the entire Top 20 apart from Sueleen and Ruth-Ann, and if you want to get all “YOU CAN’T DENY THAT LEANNE BLAH BLAH BLAH” about it, and forward me clips of her doing autopilot Mariah trills with deader eyes than Leona Lewis I will jab you in the eye with a pool-cue I swear to God.
  • She seems quite nice though, in a docusoap sort of way.
  • I am still, of course, TEAM JANNY 4 LIFE
  • Even when they do things like this

LIKKITUNG!

Duh nuh nuh duh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh duh nuh nuh, THIS IS THE QUITE NICE!

*fanfare*

Fortunately, to counteract the ever-changing blog-heads of myself and Steven, the show itself has had two consistent figureheads pushed to the front at all times, to provide a reassuring constant amidst the chaos.

BOOBF

I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. Bless Reggie for getting his dickie out though. Still not going to draw any focus away. Holly shouts merrily away that, after three months of competition, we are down to our Final Four.

Salve

Princess Zelda

Awright

The Bored Palace Guard with three separate pieces of wry banter, depending on which time of day you talk to him

Arr, me chickens

The Innkeeper’s Daughter who has a subquest where you rescue her chickens in exchange for Gratitude Crystals

ORC

and an orc.

We then cut quickly to the audience, where all the eliminated contestant are sat. Apart from Jaz, who is probably off doing baby related stuff, and Ruth has been taken by the spirit again and is off speaking in tongues in the middle of a Boots. Next up, we’re reminded of our judges, and with the jubilee having the nation by the throat, they’re all introduced with truly cringe-worthy mock-royal epithets :

Bloody hell

“His royal hotness, Danny O Donoghue”

Really?

“Just like The Queen, he’s had six decades at the top, but with more number 1 hits…SIR TOM JONES!”

...

“She sits on a throne of truths, wearing only a crown of opinions, JESSIE J!” (no I am not making that up, this was an actual thing a grown adult said)

Pow pow pow

“he’s shagged more sailors than Princess Margaret…it’s WILLIAM!”

Holly asks William what we can expect from Tyler tonight, and he replies that Tyler is going to take the show to the highest level possible, and show everyone why he’s the guy to win it. Frankly I find it impossible to imagine this show to operate at a higher level than it currently is. A level of what exactly, I’ll leave up to your discretion. Jessie is asked if Vince is both primed and ready, and Jessie says that he is. Well done on making Vince sound like a landmine. Jessie says that if you want someone with dedication, hardwork, amazing charisma

LIST POST

vocal talent, style, and who is one of the nicest people she’s ever met, she’s out of contract in about 2 hours, CALL HER.

Holly tells Tom that his finalist is Leanne. You get the impression this might be because he needs reminding. You can tell they’ve already doped him up enough so he’s not saying “where’s that black girl gone? I liked her. Did they vote her off? Oh that’s a shame. Which one am I again? Oh, I thought I was in the Black Eye Petes. I met Fergie once though. Powerful set of lungs that girl had on her. Cracking pair of knockers as well” every 5 seconds. Or similar. Holly asks if he has any words of wisdom to impart,

Unaccustomed as I am...

and I swear it’s a miracle that he doesn’t think he’s there to give Leanne away as father of the bride. He says that backstage he was faced with a bag of nerves AND THAT WAS JUST WHEN HE WAS LOOKING AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR! HA HA HA! He says that Leanne is a lovely girl with a smashing voice and he wishes her all the best in her duties as Miss Portsmouth 1973. Now where’s his cheque? Danny is asked how he’s drawn the best out of Bo, and he says that he’s really tried to tap into her emotions, and they went busking together earlier in the week. I guess that is good practice for the future, yes. He then starts whittering about how Bo is an inspiration for all women and indeed all humans going through difficult times, and if you don’t mind, there’s two hours of this left to go, so I’m going to skip merrily on ahead before he actually proposes for the first of what will ultimately be about 17 times this evening. [And here we were thinking he’d spend the rest of the series mooning over Aleks after he got eliminated. I guess that’s showbiz. – Steve]

Reggie next explains to us how the final is (/is not) going to work. All of the artists will perform once, then the phone lines will open. Then all of them will duet with(/be shouted over by) their coaches, after which, we’ll chop one leg off all of them, meaning that three-quarters of each team will continue to the final hour. Wait, no? Hardly seems fair. Ahem. Anyway, at that point the dead-last loser will be booted out and beg to be given a record deal anyway. Then Ed Sheeran will come out and sing about a dead fetus, then Maroon 5 will come out and we’ll all have to suffer through “Moves Like Jagger” being called a “classic” (?!), then we’ll have a winner, after the three final finallists do their obligatory “THIS WERE MAH FAVOURITE PERFORMANCE OF THE SERIES!!!” song (out of the three they’ve done). Oh yeah, and all the coaches will be getting up and having a boogie at some point, and hopefully it will be less horrific than the one they did to “I’ve Got A Feeling”.

First up?

BO

IT’S BO! I can never tell if she’s laughing, sneezing, or doing her Muttley impression. Combine that face with Alesha Dixon’s laugh, and it’d be perfect. Anyway, all these VTs are recaps of the contestants journeys so far, made up entirely of footage we’ve already seen, so I’m not recapping them, sorry. If this were a Strictly final, this would be where the Strictly Fairytales would go, but…I don’t care enough about this show, I AM TRULY SORRY.

BOOBF

Here’s Holly’s boobs again. I hope they go some way to compensating. Bo’s first performance of the evening is “Nothing Compares 2 U”.

Hiya

Which is a lovely slice of irony given that everyone has spent the entire series comparing Bo Bruce to about 50 different people all singing with the same voice. She’s Diana Vickers! No, she’s Janet Devlin! No, she’s Dolores O’Riordan! No, she’s Kate Bush! No, she’s Dido! No, she’s Macy Grey! Oh Bo Bruce – Everyone Compares 2 U. Anyway, she’s singing a lot more powerfully and strongly than usual, which I guess may be the power of the

POWER, COURAGE. WISDOM

Triforce that she’s wearing around her forehead like a glamorous teabag. She doesn’t come even close to the emotional impact of the original recording, not that you could ever expect her to. There are bits that could conceivably be considered to be her singing about her mother so of course,

Boo-hoo

Danny’s off having a little cry-wank in the corner. When she finishes he goes full on

LOLOLOLOL

Trollface about it, and his chin expands with pride to the extent that it actually starts poking Tom in the eye. Fortunately this cures his cataracts, so everyone’s a winner.

Holly calls Bo over, and tells her that if she could sing like her then she wouldn’t bother with speaking. She’d have her own little “Bo Opera” going on every day. Or “Boopera”. Which I guess is only one letter away from

hold on to that feeeeeeling

what she already has, so DON’T STOP BELIEVING, HOLLY! She asks Bo how that went, and Bo says it went great. Holly tells her that it was MORE THAN GREAT. Seriously Holly, why ask the question if you’re going to reject the answer so out of hand? Holly asks Danny what he thought and he tells Bo to

LISTEN!

LISTEN to the squeals of the audience, and take them all in, and ignore the fact they’ve been directed to do this after every performance all night, and will be screaming like howler monkeys for everyone. He says that every time Bo sings he gets shivers, goosebumps, and a lump in his throat. Although that might just be the lack of heating in his rehearsal space, SORT IT OUT PRODUCERS.

William rambles on about how he heard Bo in rehearsal and it was good and then he saw her perform just now, and it was also good. Bo’s all

MISO SOUP

“but do you still love miso soup? Because I’ve got bored of it lately, but Danny keeps on force-feeding me the stuff, saying it unlocks my emotional chi. Oh William, I wish I’d chosen you as my mentor, then I could have been bungee-jumping around singing Usher rather than acting like my life is one long tampon advert because when Danny cries for the less fortunate it makes him feel all warm and righteous”. Possibly. Or she might just be a bit bored. Or I might be. [I think we’re a long way past “might”. – Steve] Jessie J, on her throne of truth, says she wants to tell Bo that she’s so happy that a voice like Bo’s is being heard by the masses (LOL) who watch this show, because it is so beautiful and unique. Holly then asks Tom to quantify, exactly, what it is about Bo’s voice that makes it so “unique”.

Errrrrm

Tom ducks out and says “erm” and calls Bo a stylist and a storyteller, rather than the truth, at least within the four walls of this show, which is that Bo’s voice is “unique” because she does them hiccupy bits, a bit like what an Irish person might.

Next up…

LEANNE

IT’S LEANNE!

People, get ready

Doing her best moody club singer stance, as she’s about to launch into “This Is A Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World”. I’m not sure how many more “clever” attempts women are going to make at “reclaiming” this song before people just realise it’s too misogynistic to function. You’d think after Mary Byrne bulldozed her way through it everyone else would have just given up. Anyway, Leanne

YAH
YAH
YAH
YAH
YAH!
YAH!

yells her way through it, with all the artistry of a housebrick through a window, and adds some Mariah trills, hoots and finger-wriggles to it, because that’s what she does now. Meanwhile some men

TITS N TEETH N CHAIRS

play around with some chairs in the background in some sort of half-arsed Fosse tribute, just because. The whole thing is so loud I half expect them to cut to Tom repeatedly jumping up and down on his button. It made Ruth Brown sound like Norah Jones. Instead his face is just

MmmmLeanne

all twisted up like that guy in a mac at the back of the women’s Beach Volleyball final.

Holly wanders over, calls Leanne a powerhouse, and tells her she looked so surprised to get through last week’s semi-final. Not as surprised as Ruth was. Holly asks Tom just how much more Leanne has to give, technically. Given that noises above 200 decibels are likely to be lethal, I’m not sure any of us want to find out. Tom says that he thinks Leanne surprises people every week, by taking on songs she wouldn’t ordinarily sing. The closest she came to that with me was “Who Knew?” and I’m not sure any of us want to relive that. He then goes on to say that Leanne is a natural normal lovely person, who is exactly the same on stage as off-stage, as Leanne gives a little

UMBLE

“oh I am so very umble” face.

Danny is up next, saying that after that performance it’s sure to be a Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s Woman’s World, with Leanne and Bo in the Final Two. More likely Woman’s Weekly, let’s be honest. He tells Leanne she is the most technically gifted singer in the competition. It’s odd that he’d say that out loud, because I would imagine that’s what most people watching think the point of the show is, and…she’s not his artist, but ok.

William next, and he says he’s going to be 1000% honest. Last week he was sad that Ruth wasn’t picked and he didn’t understand why the public went for Leanne instead. But after that performance, he’s sure Ruth is at home saying

BAM

“wow, she really killed it”. Or, more accurately, given that it’s Ruth “WOWWWWOWWWWWW SHE NECKTUH NECKTUH NECKTUH NECKTUH NECKTUH NECKTUH REHEHhehEHEEHehhehHEEE *random South African Accent* kelled ut!”. Jessie is beaming, and Holly asks why.

THE FINAL

It’s because Leanne’s performance was so over the top and aggressive and try-hard it reminded her that this is the final! THERE ARE NO MORE EPISODES AFTER THIS ONE! HOORAY! She thinks that up until now, Leanne has been overshadowed by Ruth, but now she’s really coming into her own, as evidenced by the fact that everybody’s still talking about Ruth.

Next up…

TYLER

IT’S TYLER! I haven’t been recapping Team William obviously, but were all their head-shots that bad? [If not worse. – Steve] It looks like he’s about to start doing kissing practice on his mic-stand. Anyway, Tyler is going to be singing “I’ll Be There” by Michael Jackson, because Lord knows we’ve not heard enough ill-advised male falsetto this series.

Ouch

It sounds like it looks like it sounds. He’s singing “I’ll Be There” with a load of floral video walls going on, and at one point a little girl and a little boy walk off up the path together.

Oh gawd

If this is supposed to represent “AMY AND TYLER TOGEVVAH FOREVAH IN HEAVEN” I am giving William SUCH a side-eye right now. And we all know he would.

About halfway through he stops trying to sound like a sexy Mickey Mouse and uses his natural singing voice. Oddly enough, it sounds ten times better. Juss sayin. Anyway, when we get towards the end, the spooky

CUGGLE

ghost children start having a bit of a cuddle. I feel William may have fatally underestimated the Great British Public’s taste level. And over-estimated its gag reflex. Then again, given that he broke through over here with “Where Is The Love?” can you blame him?

Holly wombles over to Tyler and moans “oh, Tyler, please, always be there”. Who is writing this woman’s script this evening? Are they on a bet? Because if I could write bollocks like this and get it aired on BBC 1, I’d do it for free. Holly gushes that William has said that the world needs Tyler James, and judging from the fact that the audience are screaming like the end of Godzilla, she thinks they agree. What say you now William?

That's nice dear

“I knew Michael Jackson”. Oh William. So reliably you. He tells Tyler that if Michael Jackson could be alive now to hear that, he would be so proud. They would have had a little Michael Jackson ghost float in on the video wall at the end and play with little Tyler and Ghost Amy, but SOMEONE said it wouldn’t be appropriate. KILLJOYS.

Next up, Jessie wants to know

HEY TYLER, WHAT HAPPENED

why they never went on that date? I don’t think Jessie J understands reality tv. When you say you’ll be friends with your contestant forever, it means your publicist-run twitter account will follow them for the sum total of two months. When you say you’ve never met anyone as talented as your contestant it means “until next series”. When your contestant asks you out on a date, it means they’re gay. Keep up love, this sincerity thing’s getting old. Anyway, she gushes that Tyler was singing “the woman’s part” and “the man’s part” and so was basically DUETTING WITH HIMSELF, like this is a brand new way of phrasing it, and not at all what Tom said to Vince about two weeks ago. Then again, like anyone remember that far back.

Holly asks Tom if Tyler always gives unforgettable performances :

Who?

“who?”. Oh yeah, the skinny one. Erm…he’s sure the ladies will love him, in that he’s the only man left in the competition dressed as a human being. Tyler pulls

HUMBLE

humble face. Danny closes by saying that he’s always enjoyed all of Tyler’s performances every week. In rehearsals he sounded a little bit hoarse. Tonight he sounded a little bit pony. Oh no, wait, that’s my opinion. Never mind, Danny thought Tyler was amazing, as ever, and sang so high. Even higher than Danny can sing. WOW. Good job that that’s what the competition is being decided on. How high you can make your voice go, regardless of how pleasant it sounds. THE VOICE : JOE PASQUALE EVERYBODY! [At this point I’m seriously expecting next series to be called The Voice 2: Higher And Louder. – Steve]

Holly asks Tyler how this feels. He says “amazing” more times than Leona Lewis on a coke bender.

Last up for Team Jessie…

VINCE

IT’S VINCE! Jessie

WOO

throws out her armpits in solidarity. TUM DEEDLE TUM DEEDLE TUM DEEDLE THIS IS THE PITS!

Oh wait…

Vince will be singing “Many Rivers To Cross” by Jimmy Cliff in a giant pretend church whilst dressed as

HOLD ON, HOLD ON

a white Yazz. I know Vince Kidd provokes strong negative opinions in people, but I honestly don’t know how I would have got through this series if I hadn’t, periodically, been able to write sentences like that and have them be actually factually correct. I love that all the cultural backwash of the last 30 years that people have forgotten about have come together in

So 80s. And 90s. And 00s

this package. As a performance it’s a bit of a mess, with random organ music and reggae shouts and all sorts going on, and Vince has let himself go incredibly self-indulgent at the worst possible moment, but on the other hand, there is no way short of a meteor strike he was ever going to finish anywhere other than 4th,

WEURGH

because nothing pulling that face ever could, so good for him. I couldn’t pick out the tune with a microscope, but good for him. At some point white feathers start falling everywhere in the background, for no reason. Maybe someone shot a pigeon.

Holly doesn’t produce any nausea-inducing gush for Vince, because even before the lines open the producers know there’s no way they’ll have to push him as anything. She just says “you alright?” and he chirps away happily about the pressure of being here in the final. Holly tells him that he didn’t look nervous at all, and he sung it with such grace (?!). Vince thanks her and she jiggles “well that’s just my opinion!” out, sounding bizarrely like Alan Partridge as she does so.

Given that Vince is dressed in that blouse that his mum bought at Notting Hill carnival in 1982, and therefore couldn’t show off his armpits AT ALL in that performance, Jessie

ATTACK!

has them at full power, in solidarity. Either that or she’s practicing her diving for the Olympics. She says that there’s a famous saying called “save the best for last”.

SOMETIMES THE SUN GOES ROUND THE MOON

If only Jessie J. We’ve got an hour and a half of this left still (bloody hell…). She launches off on another little Vince Kidd list.

  • He styles himself
  • He produces his tracks himself
  • He knows who he is
  • He loves his fans
  • He’s one of the nicest people she’s met in a long time

Yeah, she ran out of things to say fairly quickly there didn’t she? Never mind. She says she’s really proud of Vince, and that vocally he’s really strong. His voice is “URRRGH”. I think she means that in a nice way.

Tom is asked next if he thinks that Vince’s life could change tonight. Tom says that he thinks that the whole experience will have been life-changing for everyone that’s been on the show. Yeah, Sophie Griffin is NEVER GOING TO FORGET IT. Tom thinks it has been particularly life-changing for everyone who’s made the final. With Vince though, he feels like he was a star in his own mind before he started, so not so much for him. But all power to him anyway

CONFIDENT MONSTER

the CONFIDENT MONSTER. Danny follows, saying that the song Vince just sang was called “Many Rivers To Cross”, and Vince has certainly crossed styles, genres, and occasionally genders during the series. He’s genuinely brilliant. Danny has never heard that song before (WHITE-BREAD DANNY NEVER HAVING HEARD A REGGAE STANDARD? I AM SHOCKED!), so it felt like he was hearing original Vince material, and it was brilliant.

I love that he’s taken it as a given that Vince has the song-writing ability of JIMMY CLIFF.

William closes, looking like

WOMAN

Black Lennon, and tells Vince that he’s always been one of his favourite “dudes” in the competition. He says he spent most of his Blind Auditions trying to find a guy who could compete with Vince’s range, and it’s ironic that the guy he found – Tyler, is now in the finals with Vince. So he has nothing say other than “that was dope”. Ever. Ever again.

All the finalists have now performed once, so guess where it’s time to go?

WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR FAME

THAT’S RIGHT! SOMETIMES YOU WANNA GO, WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME! Because it’s plastered up on the wall along with gushingly banal praise like it’s wallpaper. And that place is the Vagina Room. Reggie tells us that everyone is talking about the show online. Cheryl Cole. Ricky Gervais. Tinchy Strider. Kelly Osbourne. God, it’s like one of those “Ideal Dinner Party” games in reverse isn’t it? Incidentally, I just held my nose and checked Ricky Gervais’ twitter-feed and…no, no he wasn’t.

Reggie asks Bo how it felt opening the show, and Bo says it was all over so quickly she didn’t have time to feel nervous.

Maybe for you love, I feel like I’ve already been watching this final for about 5 years. Reggie asks Leanne how she feels about the idea of performing a duet with Tom Jones, and she says it’s such an honour and thanks everyone for giving her the opportunity. Reggie says that Tom’s looking very sexy tonight, and asks Leanne if she’s going to be intimidated singing with “The Silver Bear”.

That's nice

Leanne tells Reggie to work his daddy issues out on his own time. Or at least she should. Instead she says she’s always intimidated by Tom, “but in a good way”. Whatever that could possibly mean.

Next Reggie takes a pew with Tyler

Hiya

possibly because if Tyler stands up in those trousers for too long, the blood pressure would get so great he’d suffer multiple DVTs. Reggie says that a little bird told him that Tyler was so nervous before his “very first Blind Audition” that he almost didn’t make it to the stage. Tyler says this is true. Apparently 5 minutes before he went on, he quit, but something told him to just get on stage and do it. It was Evil Moira Ross. She had a baseball bat. Such larks.

At this point, Vince jangles in, all his jewellery making him sound like Jimmy Saville on a treadmill, and Reggie asks him if he ever expected in his Blind Audition to make it all the way to the final. Vince says that he was just focusing on getting Jessie to turn around – he never expected to make it to the final as her last man standing. Reggie asks Vince if it was nice to get nice comments. He agrees it was nice. HOORAY FOR NICE COMMENTS.

YAY

Guess what?

YAY

WOO! Holly tells us that we can now vote for our favourite, so long as our favourite isn’t Becky Hill or Max Milner or Jaz Ellington or Ruth Brown or David Julien or even Mooleen. Unfortunately mine was, so *shrugs*. Next up we get to hear all the contestants doing duets with their coaches, after which lines will be frozen and Vince (OR, YOU KNOW, WHOEVER) will be eliminated. Holly fakes that this opportunity to sing a duet with their coaches is a prize equal with ANY OTHER ON OFFER.

Yeah, I’d take the record contract to be honest.

First up to do it in a duet it’s

MATCHDOTCOM

TEAM DANNY! So Charles & Diana I can’t even believe it. Danny tells us all that, for their duet, they’ve chosen the song “Read All About It” by Professor Green and “Emil Sande”.

Their rehearsals consist of them jigging up and down going “oh oh oh! oh oh oh OH! oh oh oh oh! oh oh oh!” [I mourn for the ‘Crazy In Love cover that never was – Steve] until Danny realises that this makes really dull television, even by this show’s standards, so they should go and do something to make this feel less like blatant filler.

WHEE

LET’S GO BUSKING! And by “busking” I mean “an outdoors performance that we’re calling busking just because the fact that only about 30 people have turned up to watch is less embarrassing this way”. I swear, can you imagine this happening in the final of X Factor? Little Mix and Tulisa stood in the rain outside an abandoned branch of Woolworths trying to do “Little Lion Man” acoustic. It in many ways is both a richer and poorer show for it. Anyway, Bo confesses that she’s been busking many times, but never with Him From The Script by her side.

There’s a lot of crash-zooms to Bo’s face and people with

PAP PAP PAP

cameras in the audience, and I’m sure it’s supposed to make it feel like ALL THE PRESS HAVE TURNED OUT FOR BO, but instead it all gets a bit Paris Tunnel ’97 for my liking. Danny says that this is the first chance he’s had to see the public reaction to Bo, and it’s overwhelming. They’re asking for autographs and everything!

Hiya

His autograph, but…well…he’s sure it’s nice for Bo as well. Just to be in his presence. (LOL at this being the “first chance he’s had to see the public reaction to Bo”. Who are the studio audience? Paid BBC staff? Actually at this point…) Anyway, Bo

HUGZ

hugs some poor people, like we’re on Children In Need, and then Danny

*weeps*

cries and cries and cries and cries about Bo’s beautiful pure soul and her sick mother and how she’s his inspiration, and God I hope he gets a shag out of this, because he really is putting in some solid yeomans woobie work here. Not necessarily a shag from Bo. From anyone.

No, I’m not volunteering. Especially after what happens next.

What happens next being Danny morphing into Mr Shue from Glee.

WIKKI WIKKI

ME GONNA BREAK IT DOWN FOR Y’ALL IN RAP FORMATION! BO BETTER WIN AND BE DA VOICE FOR THIS NATION! SHE GOT A BAD BACK AND SHE GOT A SICK MUM! IF YOU DON’T LIKE BO BRUCE YOU CAN STICK IT UP YOUR BUM! MY NAME’S DANNY D AND I’M GONNA WRECK THE MIC! THIS IS MY TIME, I’M GONNA SAY WHAT AH LIKE! I’M THE MAIN COACH, I BE PICKING UP THE SLACK! I KNOW SONGS BY ALL ARTISTS, UNLESS THEY BE BLACK! I’M THE BIG DOG, YO I’M THIS SHOW’S BOSS! I’M FUCKING WID THIS RHYME LIKE I FUCKED ALEKS JOSH! HE OPENED UP FOR MAH SCRIPT YO, FLAT ON HIS BACK! NOW BACK TO BO BRUCE TO PUT SOME POSH ON DIS TRACK! WIKKI WIKKI WIKKI DAN-NY-FIED!

Anyway, Danny bobs around flapping his hand and erm…yeah…whilst Bo mostly stands there being

Hi Bo

Bo, and doing the Emili Sande bits. Doing them quite well, but I’m not sure I’m ever going to get over Danny bobbing around doing white-boy rapping with a marching band. Then

SEXUAL

this happens. And I’ve no idea why, because I’m fairly sure that this song has zero sexual or romantic content whatsoever, but “understanding the words of what you’re singing” doesn’t really appear to be at a premium on this show, so…why not? Bo looks kind of uncomfortable. Maybe that’s why she’s leaning back. Maybe this is why she has a bad back.

It ends with them both SMASHING THE DRUMS

SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH

well Danny smashes them anyway. Bo just taps at them. I think Danny might be slightly…into this whole performance more than Bo is. Incidentally there are giant newspapers swirling on the video walls behind them throughout, and I was hoping it was going to be something funny about their rivals like “Jessie J ate my hamster” or “William : My Tic-Tac Hell” but instead it’s just the song lyrics. BOO.

Holly runs out squealing that that was HOT. Maybe it’s just because the studio lights are

I'M MELTING

fusing Holly’s dress to her body as we speak. That thing does not look comfortable. Holly tells Bo that her voice journey started with Danny sat with his back to her, and now he’s gazing into her eyes in the middle of the finale. CAN SHE BELIEVE IT? Bo cannot believe it. Jolly good. Danny says she’s done so well, because it’s so hard to take a rap and add a melody to it. Did Bo do that? Anyway, he closes by saying that he thinks she’s going to be a guest vocalist on a lot of songs to come.

wow

HIGH PRAISE INDEED. He says he’s going to watch this all back on Youtube, and she’s going to be better than him (yup) and it’s going to make him SICK! (nope)

Next up

TEAM TOM

TEAM TOM! Leanne says that she is singing “Mama Told Me Not To Come” with Tom Jones!

HUMBLE

*humble face*. She hopes he can pull her up to his level, but she’s not sure that’s possible

HUMBLE

*HUMBLE FACE*. In rehearsal, Tom tells her that for this special performance, they’re going to go to somewhere very special to rehearse.

What a battered savaloy

That’s right, it’s Ronnie Scott’s Fish & Chips! Oh…no…wait, it’s the other Ronnie Scotts. We’re shown pictures of Aretha and Nat King Cole as Tom informs us all that he thought it’d be a great idea to bring Leanne to somewhere where so many famous and lauded artists have sung, because

So many anecdotes!

he met ALL OF THEM, and sang with ALL OF THEM, and he HAS ANECDOTES OH YES HE DOES.

Leanne walks in, looks around, and says that it’s great to sing somewhere with so much history. She can really feel the presence of the artists who have passed through her watching her

LAHHHH

as she lounge-singers her way through “Mama Told Me Not To Come” with Tom Jones. That’s not Aretha’s “presence” Leanne, that’s Aretha. She’s sat on the balcony flicking chips at you. Leanne closes by saying that this show is getting more and more surreal with every passing second, and this tops the list. What? Above Dinosaur Mini-Golf? Above standing with your back to Ruth Brown whilst she had an on-stage exorcism like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost? ABOVE MOOLEEN?

Leanne and Tom talk about how normal and humble Leanne is for about half an hour, and I ponder the misery I would have driven myself to if I’d had to recap this girl more than this once. [YOU’RE WELCOME. – Steve] I’d include her Battle Round, but like I was looking at anyone other than Babs during that.

OOOOOOH

Seriously.

On stage now, and they blast their way through a perfectly servicable version of “Mama Told Me Not To Come” and whilst I will always ALWAYS prefer listening to the voice of any human being over Kelly Jones, ALWAYS, I’m not entirely blown away. People have said they really liked this performance because Leanne was able to break out and have fun for once, but Leanne having fun

*fans*
*points*

looks like this. That is, not very fun. I think being put with Tom, whose voice is ALL personality just shows how uninteresting her voice is. It’s a bit like all those Meatloaf songs where he sings for about 12 minutes then some anonybint pops up to do a chorus and it’s very nice and well-sung and loud, but still a bit plug-in-and-play. Quick, someone tell Patti Russo or Lorraine Crosby to audition for this show, STAT.

Anyway, it’s the best duet by some distance, unless you REALLY LOVE trainwrecks or white Irish guys in their 30s with no flow rapping. It closes with Tom going “maybe I should have listened” and Leanne going “yaaaaa”. Hmmm.

Holly waddles over and tells Leanne that she may have just used up their “big voice quotient” for the rest of the night. I fully anticipate the rest of the performances being mimed. Maybe they can beam Cheryl back in as a replacement mentor just in time? For lessons? Holly asks Leanne if she can believe that just happened, and she replies that no she cannot! *humble face*

Holly next tells Tom that he’s duetted with Aretha and Ella Fitzgerald (I don’t think he needs telling Holly), but how does Leanne compare?

Hmmmmm

*twiddles humble fingers, humbly*. Tom says that he knows that some day he’ll be on a talk show reminiscing about the time he duetted with Leanne Mitchell. It’ll be Monday on BBC Breakfast. Got to get those sales figures up somehow. Tom says that he definitely had the strongest singers in the semi-finals, with Leanne and also with RUTH BROWN and it’s a shame that they were both on his team, because he would have loved RUTH BROWN to have been in the final as well. He just loves RUTH BROWN so much. Shout out to RUTH BROWN, everybody.

QUITE RIGHT

You can hear Leanne’s brain going “seriously? I’m stood RIGHT HERE” can’t you?

Next up

TEAM WILLIAM

TEAM WILLIAM! WHEN YOU’RE A JET, YOU’RE A JET ALL THE WAY! Tyler is a good boy and says that he can’t believe he’s going to be singing on stage with William. Don’t worry Tyler, most of the time you won’t actually be ON the stage. William asks him how he feels about doing “Oh My Gosh” by Usher. Tyler looks

WOO

thrilled. William tells Tyler that he doesn’t want to do the song exactly how he wrote it for Usher, but he still wants it to have the same vibe. Oh William. Approximately 3% of the audience will know what this song is, I think you’re safe from being accused of copycatting. Also, this makes Danny the only coach to be singing a song that he himself has no personal relationship to.

Tyler tells us that he and William get on really well, and William enthuses that Tyler is a dude you can really hang out with. (TWEEDLE DEE TWEEDLE DEE, THIS IS THE FRIEND!). They insist that they definitely hang out together outside of the show, yes they do. Tyler says he’s bowled over by William’s showbiz lifestyle.

GLAMOUR

THE (LITERAL) GLAMOUR! To represent the power of William’s friendship, the show makes sure to blast Cheryl’s exciting new single all over this VT as well. Now there’s a bond. We’re shown Tyler and William backstage at the Glamour awards

LIVING THE LIFE

, networking with Cuba Gooding Jr, Donatella Versace (…or it might be a party clown, I’m not sure), and “the Desperate Housewives Girl”. By which Tyler means “Eva Longoria” and not, say, Mrs McClusky (RIP). William brags to camera mid-party that Jessica Alba was totally trying to score some Tyler James Trouser Time. Note they

ALBA!

neglect to show this in favour of her picking up an award and gnashing her teeth merrily. It definitely happened though.

Seriously, this is 2012. What is Jessica Alba winning awards for? [I laugh heartily at your idea that it would be acceptable for Jessica Alba to pick up an award for anything at any point in history. – Steve]

We close this heart-warming segment with Tyler saying that he wants his relationship with William to last forever.

To the stage now and,

Whee!

I can’t help think it mostly went wrong when nobody informed William that the person most famous for making this particular entrance on reality tv in this country is the Widdysaurus. Also when nobody told him that the audience for this show is not going to respond to lyrics like “Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow”.

Hullo

Sorry, where did that picture come from, please excuse me.

Happily, Tyler is not singing in his falsetto for most of this. Given the harness, you’d think it’d be unavoidable. I guess given how ball-crushing most of the trousers he’s spent this series wearing have been, this is nothing. Once he’s made his descent, Tyler is unhitched from his trappings, by some sexy dancing girls who then

DIP DIP DIP

dip their booties around all over the shop. Sexy and accomplished in stage-craft. I think they may well end up having better careers than the winner. William? Remaining swinging like a rapping conker for a while yet. [That’s racist. – Steve]

The whole performance is an utter mess incidentally, and seems to be specifically designed to alienate this show’s audience to the degree that Tyler James finishes 6th. The best part is when Tyler James breaks into a falsetto (again), William starts yelling “BRAP BRAP BRAP!” and half of Bedfordshire dive behind their sofas because they think they just walked into the middle of a drive-by. Once all the pageantry’s brushed away, the performance falls down to the strength of Tyler and William’s voices working together in perfect harmony.

LOL

So yeah.

Holly scuttles on, gushing that Tyler landed from Planet William and then it WENT OFF. Holly talking like this never fails to amuse me. She then tells William that tweeting whilst flying is against the rules. Bit late to be telling him that now, dear. William of course utterly ignores this to launch into an extended William monologue touching on the following :

  • If it wasn’t for “the people of UK” he wouldn’t be the well-rounded human being he is today
  • Tyler James is the next William
  • The winner of The Voice USA was an utter loser and nobody knows who he is now because he had no commercial appeal
  • *cough*LEANNE*cough*
  • WE WUZZ FLYIN IN DAH SKY! WE WUZZ FLYIN IN DAK SKAH!
  • SUPERMAN! SUPERMAN! POW POW POW! VOTE FOR TYLER JAMES!
  • I CAN RIVERDANCE BETTER THAN DANNY, AND HE’S FROM IRELAND!

Quintessential William. Tyler looks

Eeep
Erk
Side-eye
Christ...
My eyes...

totally comfortable with all this throughout.

Last up to do it with a duet?

DO IT LIKE A DUET

TEAM JESSIE. Such intellectuals and thinkers. Jessie J gushes “IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!” at Vince in the rehearsal room. And oh how I wish that was their song choice, instead of what it is, which is “Nobody’s Perfect”, by…Jessie J. And how are they going to prepare and bond for this performance? Busking? Partying? Rehearsing? Nope.

Tragedy

Vince is going to be playing a male teen prostitute from an 80s episode of Grange Hill. DON’T DO IT ZAMMO! FIGHT THE FEELINGS! [I bet the tie-in single is going to be amazing, if nothing else. – Steve] Vince hops into Jessie’s van, after she puts a blindfold (/lavender-scented face-mask) on him, and she takes him off to a secret destination.

One Day In FABOOLUS September

It’s like the world’s most flamboyant hostage situation. It turns out that Jessie J has taken Vince to Wembley Stadium.

WOW

She tells us all that this is because she fondly remembers the first time she played at Wembley Stadium, and the feel of 75,000 roaring her songs back to her was so amazing. Vince? Has Jessie J and one man with a guitar.

Oops

Not really thought this through has she? That guy’s sat on the floor by the way. It’s not that he’s the world’s sexiest midget.

We close with the contestant, yet again, saying how he wants to be friends with Jessie J forever, and again, the coach not really saying anything along the same lines. So needy this show.

To the stage, and

So close

it’s odd that the couple who I think have the most actual chemistry in terms of playing off one another have picked the song that’s not a duet to do. The whole thing is very much a Jessie J performance, with lots of oversinging and funny noises and playing up to the audience. It’s not awful, and Vince seems to be enjoying himself, but it’s probably the least memorable of all the duets. In the end it dissolves into a sing off based around the 3rd most annoying sound made by Jessie J

HRRNK
GRRRNK
blarrrk

, which also rather conveniently doubles for the final of the UK Gurning Championships 2012. Vince wins, obviously.

Holly trip-traps out and tells them that their vocals were SO HOT that they SET THE STAGE ON FIRE! I think that was the pyro man Holly. Or pyro-woman, obviously. Or pyro sexy-slag-dancer. Whichever, I’m all for equality. Holly then toots “NEXT STOP WEMBLEY!” which…they’ve just been there. Did Vince leave a piercing behind in the changing rooms? Anyway, most of the post-song chat is Vince talking about what an amazing humble likable hard-working talented person Jessie J is. Hang on Vince, you’ll get to give your Losers Speech in about 10 minutes, don’t use up all your material now. Jessie for her part says that in going into this show she just wanted to find a Voice. Someone who could just stand there, and sing a song straight, with no gimmicks.

BYE VINCE

Instead she’s found Vince, but he’ll do for Series 1. LATERS.

As Holly reads out their number, Jessie J starts flicking V signs up, and then she and Vince have a little run around the stage as their “victory lap”. Holly then rather hilariously, directs them off her stage.

PISS OFF

SHE’S GOT BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO!

THE BUSINESS OF FILLER! First we run through a quick blitz of all the performances we’ve seen so far, as the contestants numbers scroll underneath. Then we run through the numbers again. Then Ed Sheeran singing some mawkish song about a miscarriage, that’s about 5 seconds away from being picked up the pro-lifers and turned into a MONSTER.

Blllagh

I listen to this instead. Then it’s time for a video recap of the whole series. No thanks. It does feature Jessie J saying “I was so excited to be a part of it”, with the emphasis on the “was”

It all seemed so bright

sounding a bit like one of those women recounting their experiences escaping the sort of sex-trafficking ring depicted in movies such as Lilya 4ever. It also features Tom sighing that the standard this series was SO HIGH that many of the professionals who auditioned didn’t even get past the Blind Auditions. The show then illustrates this with the cautionary tale of Sean from Fiveive. OK. And also we relive this high-point in the show’s history.

Oh my...

If you excuse me, I’ll be in my bunk.

Done? OK. After all that polystyrene packing peanuts, it’s time to finally find out who’s finishing in fourth place.

Stylish

Poor Bo, having to stand there after she just got TP’d. Anyway, leaving us in the worst of all positions, left with the lingering sense that they only got to the final because they were on the weakest team (IN THE PUBLIC VOTE, NOT IN MY HEART) it’s

Oh...

Vince! Brilliantly, Holly announces it in her Excited Shouting Voice rather than her Disappointed Shouting Voice, so it’s kind of like she was encouraging us all to celebrate his departure. Which I’m sure many people did. Not me though. I loved the little dinosaur faced weirdo. More so when his pits were put away. Jessie J makes sure to get her best

BOVVERED

“am I bovvered vo?” face in, to show that she cares not for this news.

She mounts the stage during his “Best Bits” (which seem to 90% focus on his audition, unsurprisingly), and then Vince gives his Loser Speech, saying that he’s enjoyed the whole experience so much, and met so many fabulous people during his time on the show. Holly then says to him that “Jessie was more to you than a coach hasn’t she?”

So close

ZOMG, THEY’VE TOTALLY BEEN SHAGGING THIS WHOLE TIME HAVEN’T THEY? BUY A HAT PEOPLE, AND PREPARE FOR OUR FIRST VOICE WEDDING. No? Oh.

Anyway, Vince says that Jessie J has been a true friend, and oh, by the way he’s got a whole album ready to go, if anybody out there wants to release it? Please? Jessie J closes by saying that “a winner is a winner before they win”. But…Vince just lost? Does that mean he was a loser before he lost? Seems kind of a mean thing to be putting out there Jessie. She then just starts spouting

I'M NOT AT ALL BOTHERED

about how winning isn’t everything, and the journey is way more important than where you end up, and it doesn’t matter that he didn’t win the public vote, because Vince Kidd IS The Voice and, you know, other loser talk. She then pays fealty to Evil Moira Ross, just so she doesn’t choose to destroy her television career forever after the show. Thanks, Evil Moira Ross! You’ve been amazing! *pegs it as fast as her legs can carry her*

One last Vince Pits shot?

WOOOO

There we go.

BEGIN!

WOMP! In retrospect it feels kind of odd that they didn’t announce the third place finalist here as well, and given the show a proper head-to-head battle for its final stretch. I guess, even with the amount of bums’n’eyelids “sausagemeat” they’ve crammed in here, they still need a third “reprise” performance to pack things out right into the sausageskin. But that’s enough about Holly’s dress (A HA HA HA HA HA)

Time now for every recappers dream – the reprise performance. Particularly so, as the contestants are reprising “their favourite song from the live shows”. During which they have sung THREE SONGS. THREE WHOLE SONGS. This is ridiculous. Things I would have preferred over this :

  • If one of the three had taken the show at its word and just done the solo performance they did in the first half all over again
  • If one of them had chosen to reprise Becky Hill’s Seven Nation Army, instead of any of the boring waffle they did, complete with “FUCK!” and judge molestation.
  • If they’d come out and done a group-sing, but on their todd, pretending that all the other members of their team are still alive and there with them, complete with matey interactions, like they’re having a live nervous breakdown on stage
  • Leanne & Ruth to say “SOD THE RULES” and done that amazing version of “I Know Him So NEKTUH NEKTUH NEKTUH NEKTUH Well!” that the world has been missing.

Anyway, first up is Bo. She tells us all that she will be reprising “Charlie Brown”, because it’s the most epic sounding song that she did (/Danny’s nerves won’t take it if she sings about her sick mum again, and he’ll start ugly-crying like James Van der Beek in that Dawson’s Creek gif). Bo says it’s the most important performance she’ll ever give, and the one she never thought she’d do. Danny beams that Bo took a Coldplay song…and DID BO’S VERSION. I would have preferred if she’d done the GWAR version, but there we are. He then starts crying again.

Boo hoo

Jesus Christ. There’s “in touch with your emotions” and then there’s “even your therapist would like you to internalise once in a while”.

To the stage and, as if she wasn’t already transparently posher than any human being to appear on television ever, even during Jubilee Weekend, Bo also

PAPPA PAPPA RAZZI

has an Illuminati tattoo. Bo is the New World Order people, and not in the Hulk Hogan sense. I remember thinking this performance was fairly joyful when she did it in the semis, but it feels a little bit less joyful and triumphant this time. Maybe it’s because the surprise of the best bit has been removed

Wheeeeee

ie the confetti canons spewing everywhere to tell you vote for this WINNAH rather than the guy singing the creepy sex-stalker song to his own pre-pubescent sister. Now it just looks a bit like a woman having a mad in her back garden in the middle of a rainstorm because the atmospheric pressure’s left her feeling a bit…frisky. Danny of course

Wheeee

IS RIGHT UP ON HIS CHAIR in response. Somebody’s going to do themselves an injury on one of those chairs soon. I have to see, the thought of Jessie J coaching one week in a full body cast does have a certain comedic appeal.

Once she’s done, Holly tells Bo that no matter what happens later, that will be the final performance she ever gives on The Voice. I know that’s supposed to sound momentous, but it kind of sounds like the televisual equivalent of “YOU’RE BARRED! NOW GERRAHTTA MY PUB!”. Bo waffles on about how amazing it’s been and blah blah blah blah blah. Danny meanwhile beams at her

*sploosh*

like she just now shot out of his wife Aleks Josh’s vagina. He tells her that he’s so proud and then chokes up a little (FFS) and tells her that, win or lose, she’s going to set the world on fire. Or, more likely, her daddy’s Mercedes as she crashes it into Evil Moira Ross’s Office in a fit of thwarted POSH-GIRL RAGE.

Jessie says that it’s been great getting to see Bo blossom and become the person she always wanted to make herself become.

So enlightened

So profound. Truly the Alain de Botton of The Voice. She then does some Kaen Brady talk about how hard it is for WIMMIN IN THE MUSIC BIZINZZ, especially with everyone saying that you’re a lesbian and your music only being big in Europe because no other markets take women seriously and everyone trying to make you out to be a massive diva when instead you just CARE ABOUT YOUR ARTISTRY. Somewhere Melanie C spills a giant packet of Cheesy Doritos all over her sofa standing up to applaud.

As Holly reads out Bo’s number she

*stares*

stares at me, like a duck embryo out of balut. Unnerving.

As Evil Moira Ross sends out her impish minions to clean up the stage with her demonic leaf-blowers, it’s time for Leanne to tell us what she’s doing as her favourite performance. Oooh, oooh, is it the one that everyone liked and that on its own won her the entire show? Or is she yelling her way through P!nk again. Sadly, yes, she’s revisiting Whitney. Tom Jones says that he thinks it was Leanne’s best performance to date.

Really?!

A statement so blindingly obvious he might as well be saying or “I think Richard O’Brian was the greatest host of The Crystal Maze” or “I think of all the Star Wars characters, Jar Jar Binks is by far the most annoying” or “of all The Voice coaches, Jessie J spent the longest in hair and make-up”. Leanne says that her performance of “Run To You” was the most amazing feeling she’d ever had in the competition (what, not feeling Ruth’s vibrations up and down your spine as she bellowed Florence & The Toaster like a dying Venezuelan yak?), and she’s hoping to re-create that feeling now.

Never go back Leanne, never go back.

To the stage and it’s time once more to squint and play

Wheee

“pretend Adele went on Stars In Their Eyes as Mariah Carey”. Which, frankly, I would watch over this. It’s the worst Whitney Houston song, at least from her pre-crack days, and she’s shouting it. Oh and there’s Spanish guitar as well. Wonderful. I think the public and me may have to go our separate ways on this one. Likewise

boo hoo

me and Tom Jones, who is openly weeping from halfway through. Bye Tom! It’s been a blast. When you could be bothered to contribute.

Holly gimble-gambles out, and asks Leanne if that performance was as emotional as she was expecting it to be. Leanne says it was

UMBLE

*humble face humble face*. Holly looks over at the judges, sees that Tom is bawling, Jessie J is snivelling, and Danny is hugging his little Bo Bruce doll and nigh-on flooding his chair, so abandons them as a dead loss, and turns back to Leanne to ask her to be humble some more. HAVE YOU FINALLY STARTED BELIEVING IN YOURSELF LEANNE? Leanne says it’s mad innit? *humble face humble face*.

Once he’s wiped his eyes, Tom breaks it down for everyone.

BREAK IT DOWN NOW

Last week Leanne did that song and took it to a whole new level, and she just did the same again tonight. In rehearsal, she did the song with just a piano, and it also blew him away. Every time Leanne sings, it just knocks Tom out. (So long as it’s this song). I can’t believe a reality tv show in 2012 is about to be won on the back of a performance from the soundtrack of The Bodyguard. I thought we had all moved on, collectively, as a culture from Kevin Costner. It appears not.

Danny’s next, and talks about how Leanne always soot din the shadows of Ruth Brown until that performance. I can’t decide if the show is just being rude, actively trying to dick her over, or trying to craft some sort of triumphant underdog Wind Beneath My Wings edit with her, but any way they’re going about it, I’m bored of Ruth Brown being in this finale. Certainly with her being in the finale more than BECKY SMASH and Max Milner anyway.

Last up now, and it’s time for Tyler to tell us what his favourite performance of the entire series was. SPOILERS : it’s not Bohemian Rhapsody. Instead it’s “Higher Love”, because it reminds him of William’s most constant piece of coaching advice. [Ba-ba-ba-bang? – Steve] Also, because it was the first time he felt really confident, and like he could win. He says The Voice has changed his life like nothing else could, but if he were actually to seal the deal and win? That would just mean everything to him. I’m most excited by a clip of Tyler’s amazing East End mum stomping up to William and saying “pleased tah meet ya”.

AWIGHT

All whilst William is still clutching his Olympic Torch like it’s his binky. Hooray for Tyler’s East-End Muvvah.

To the stage and

Tut tut

Tyler still hasn’t bothered to put any socks on. I hope his East End Muvvah gives him a proper clip round the ear for that. Turning up for the biggest opportunity of his life, not dressed properly, and singing about boobies got them shorties like what? What even is a “shortie”? Is that the nipple? I don’t care what that William says, listen to your muvvah Tyler. Anyway, yes, more falsetto, HURRAH. And the attendant sight of

*nibble nibble*

Tyler nibbling away at his microphone like a mouse nibbling cheese. How long after this series are you going to be able to listen to male falsetto again? I’m going to leave it for at least a month, then slowly ease myself back in. For now though, cold turkey, for sure. Oh and he’s

OH HOLY OF HOLIES

stood right in another wing of Vince Kidd’s Abandoned Gay Cathedral, which I’m just going to flat out say is cursed and Godless at this point. NO GAY MARRIAGES FOR ANYONE, PEOPLE! THIS IS A SIGN.

Once he’s done, Holly shimmershanks out, and reminds Tyler that he almost quit this show way back when, but here he is IN THE FINAL. To be honest, Tyler doesn’t look like he’s

PEG IT

totally above doing a bunk now. Tyler says he can’t believe it’s over, and that this has been the most amazing experience as William

Hello

lounges on his chair like he’s just beamed in from another dimension as the African-American Mr Mxyzptlk. Tyler thanks everyone who voted for him for changing his life, and making him a happy person. Tyler’s East End Muvvah

ROAR

ROARS her approval from the audience, as we all contemplate once again the power of reality tv as therapy, and Aaron from Big Brother 11 reveals that half his castmates have tried to off themselves due to lack of aftercare.

Holly tells William that she noticed that William was coaching Tyler right up until the very last second of that performance, and William takes his Edna Mode glasses off for this bit, because he’s

THIS IS SEEEEEEEEEERIOUS

GETTING SERIOUS. He says that he was a coach to Tyler, as was his job and he just wanted to have one last conversation with Tyler before sending him out there with millions of people. I believe it went “be dope, jabba habba burple durple HAY with the EXPLOSIONS, nerp nerp nerp DIRTY BIT!”. He’s like a latter-day Jerry Lewis. We’re reminded that as well as almost quitting before his audition, Tyler also almost quit when he was told he had to sing a Chris Brown song. And not for the reasons you or I would quit when asked to sing a Chris Brown song. Such an artist. Then William says

Whee!

“We flew from the sky tonight! First off, to be in the sky is a scary thing! So if you’re in the sky and you have to sing in key? I mean, if you put yourself in the air, you don’t know if you’re going to fall on your face! You don’t know what’s going to happen, but Tyler still did it with confidence, and was like a SUPERSTAR doing it!”

I swear, if I realised earlier that William was Elmo from Sesame Street in human form, this whole series would have gone by a lot quicker. Nobody else gets to give an opinion because let’s face it, there’s not nearly enough time. Holly instead just reads out the number, looks at Tyler, moos “are you alright?” kisses on the cheek, then tells him to “go get himself off”.

Quite.

Are you ready for another landfill’s worth of filler whilst we wait for them to count the votes? First of all, another recap of all the performances you’ve just sat through, then a guest performance by The Maroon 5s. They’re introduced as an act that have “dominated the charts” (/had one Top 10 hit in the last 5 years) and who are about to perform a mix of a “classic” (that was released last year) and a “new hit” (that’s not charted yet). Then Reggie finally gets round to the important part – that Adam Levine is a coach on the American version of The Voice, and spent the last series calling Christina Aggypaggy a bitch in a desperate attempt to up the ratings. Can’t wait to see what our producers try next year.

Whee

Anyway, I spent a lot of this weekend at a wedding trying to work out if you can dance to “Moves Like Jagger” (you actually can’t) [speak for yourself – Steve], so I’m not particularly keen to relive the experience. He’s beginning to look a lot like one of the more forgettable mid-series boot contestants from The Apprentice USA as well,

YOU'RE FIRED

so he doesn’t even have the “the music’s crap, but I would” factor he used to. Well…not as much of it anyway. At the end

Wheee

a big Union Jack unfurls because it’s the Jubilee or something. *shrug*

Holly pops out (not like that) and charges Adam down for a hug. Why not, I guess? She tells him that was amazing and in this post Top Of The Pops world, I guess it is. Adam says the British crowd are all beautiful, and Holly asks what advice he’d give to the contestants on the UK version. What a great time to ask – after they’ve all finished performing. I guess he could give them advice as to how to steer themselves to post-show success, but then again he was the coach of that flop that William crowed about earlier so…maybe not. Adam just tells them to sing nice and don’t screw up.

*pout*

OH ADAM LEVINE, YOU CARD.

More filler? Fine, let’s transmit back to the home of Voice Filler.

VAGINA ROOM!

THE VAGINA ROOM! Reggie asks Bo how it feels to be only minutes away from having to change her name to Bo “The Voice” Bruce. Or, more accurately, “Lady Catherine Anne Bo “The Voice” Brudenell-Bruce”. Bo says that it will be the thing that she’s been waiting for all her life.

Whee

That and the day she becomes Queen Of Hyrule and banishes this land of evil forever. Reggie asks Leanne what her favourite moment of the night was, and she *humble face*s that it was

*humble face*

singing “Run To You” at the end, knowing that she’s got as far as she could get, and done the best she could. She never thought she’d make it this far. Reggie says that his favourite Team Tom moment was

JURASSIC REGGIE

DINOSAUR MINI-GOLF. All about The Voice. Leanne brags that she was the only one to get a hole in one, and allows her HUMBLE FACE to crumble for just a minute. She’s a lot more appealing for it. Reggie then sits with Tyler again, and asks him how it would feel to have his very first single released tomorrow. Why not hop back to 2005 and ask him then Reggie? Anyway, Tyler plays along, and says he would be made up, and the happiest boy in the world. Reggie then yells that OH MY GOD, TYLER HAS LIPSTICK ON HIS FACE!

Kiss kiss

It’s Holly’s lipstick Reggie, calm down. She kissed him because it looked like he was about to puke up everywhere.

It’s time now for one final word from our coaches. Holly asks William what the best thing about the whole show has been. William says that the whole thing has been equally amazing, and then rambles on about how the UK were the first country to really “get” him, when we all bought “Where Is The Love?” en masse. (Fun Fact : My memories of “Where Is The Love?” are mostly it being the alarm clock of the girl next to me in Uni halls for an entire year. WHAT FUN.). He’s so glad that we aren’t all racist and stuff about him being American and that. Thanks Will.

Holly then yells at Tom that at the end of this there is a guaranteed recording contract (as opposed to the non-guaranteed recording contract that the whole of the Top 8 will be locked into, to prevent them releasing their music anywhere else, but not guaranteeing that Universal will fund it. I’m guessing.). Does Tom Jones remember his first recording contract?

What do you think?

Tom says he does. It was with Decca in 1964. He was signed at the same time as Mary Hopkins, Manfred Mann, Boy George, and Wiz Khalifa. They all celebrated by getting tanked up on ginger ale and throwing eggs at Joni Mitchell’s house, the stuck up bitch.

We don’t talk to Jessie J or Danny. Oh well. I’m sure we’ll live.

Next up, we get a filler VT about the judges experience on The Voice. Mostly it’s notable for revealing

So YOUNG
So OLD

just how much the show has aged Danny. It’s like one of those before and after photoeditorials about Tony Blair’s Prime Ministership.

This is, of course, all a precursor to the much-mooted ULTIMATE COACHES SMASH HITS MEDLEY. We start off with Jessie J skanking around the judges chairs singing “It’s Not Unusual”.

Skankity skank skank

Frankly, they should just be singing this song for the entirety of the performance, because, come on, it’s “IT’S NOT UNUSUAL”! Where can you go from there that wouldn’t be down? Jessie then moves on to skanking around Tom Jones himself

Yatta ta yatta ta

and he joins in with the singing. Just when I get into a nice, relaxed, 1960s mood, William have course has to bound in yelling

WOO

“EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE PUT YOUR HANDS UP!”. Because it’s time for Tom Jones to sing “Breakeven”. Am I putting my hand up to call a cab? Danny joins in, as does Jessie on backing duties. We do get to hear Tom sing

MEDIC!

“I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing”. Which comes across a bit like when Bruce keeps on making those jokes about how he’s about to die any second now. William then does a tiny bit of his new song that I don’t know, and Jessie binds everyone together with a rousing chorus of “Price Tag” wherein

nonono

she gets weirdly aggressive with William. Is she deeming him to be the representative of commercialism here? Because if that isn’t the Jessie J calling the kettle William then… Maybe she’s chiding him for lumping his new single into a “hits medley” as a commercial exercise.

Anyway, whatever issues she has, she seems to

Wiggle wiggle

resolve them fairly quickly. Once we’re done renouncing Mamon, William gets everyone to sing “Where Is The Love?”

WHEE

It is, at least, a better group-sing experience than that abomination from the Launch Show.

Although guess how many minutes it’s left for a recap video for all three finalists, the winner reveal, final speeches, closing credits? Yup, 6. Let’s get a jog on then. Bo was posh, sang like she was Irish, beat Vince Whatshisface after Danny told him to take a dive, and easily mauled the boys of Team Danny into submission thereafter. Leanne was SO HUMBLE, did an awful audition, ROBBED Babs Bryceland, glam Scottish granny, then emerged from the shadow of Ruth Brown to Whitney her way into the final at the last gasp. Tyler was friends with Amy Winehouse, did an awful audition, took advantage of Heshima’s temper-tantrums, then won the battle of Team William as Jaz exploded in a shower of ultrasounds and childrens choirs. WHO WON DA VOICE?

ZOMG!

LEANNE! Tyler and Bo give her a big hug, as she says “oh my god” over and over again. Holly calls Tyler and Bo over, tells them they were an amazing part of The Voice and…doesn’t bother to tell them which of them was second.

COME ON, TELL US

You can tell they want to know. I think even second-place levels of acceptance would be enough for Bo at this point.

Tom is called up on stage, and Leanne is asked if she has anything to say. It’s mostly *humble face* to be honest Holly. SHE CAN’T BELIEVE IT! Tom tells her that she has to believe it, because she’s done it, and she deserves it. He then gets really weird, pumping his fist and saying that there is

JUSTICE

JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD. AND IT PRIMARILY CONCERNS ITSELF WITH THE FINALS OF REALITY TV PROGRAMMES. Holly asks Leanne if she now, finally, believes in herself. Leanne says that she’s starting to *HUMBLE FACE* Holly tells her to hurry up, because they’ve got 40 seconds of air-time left and she needs to start believing in herself by the close of the credits, otherwise Evil Moira Ross will have them all shot. Leanne tries to break her *humble face*, the entirety of the rest of the cast rush on to try to help…

Spffft

it’s not looking good, I have to say.

THAT WAS THE, THAT WAS THE VOIIIIIIIIICE.

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18 thoughts on “The Voice – Episode 17 (Final)

  1. Monaogg

    πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† At least you were on top form for the final πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†
    Where we saw Tom become more senile while Leanne became more twiddly. 😯 Danny aged where Bo got thinner. πŸ˜₯ William further lost the plot and Tyler lost the key πŸ˜• and Jessie abdicates all responsibility for whatever Vince the Vest has done. 😐

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I thought I was skimming over too much, but damn me if I’m going to blog Ed Sheeran singing about fetal fingernails.

      Reply
  2. sunshinetomorrow

    Great recap. What was Will.i.am thinking with the OMG duet? – he really scuppered Tyler’s chances (if he had any by that time). But Will was the only source of light relief in the whole overlong programme with all his irrelevant comments throughout – his trolling at the end credits behind Reggie & Holly was just about worth sitting through the whole thing.

    Reply
    1. Carl

      I haven’t understood any of Will’s choices for his team. I think he consistently chose bad songs and bad staging. I guess it doesn’t matter in terms of their success in the industry, since his working with them (as he is apparently doing with Jaz) will help them far more than this show could, but I think it’s been pretty awkward to watch, especially with Tyler. At least the OMG performance was fun and crazy, instead of just painful.

      Reply
    2. monkseal Post author

      William seemed really over-stimulated throughout. I guess once he started getting out the chair he couldn’t stop.

      Reply
  3. teacherlady

    Find the tune with a microscope! Ha!
    Will, we don’t so much love you as think you’re an idiot and it’s such a cheap laugh seeing a Yank behave like a prawn! But please yourself, mate.you.are.not.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I was wondering how he thought we were going to reject him. Stop watchnig the programme? Oh wait…

      Reply
  4. Carl

    Loved your recap! So many details I wouldn’t have seen, like the aborted plan to have Bo and Danny meet the public, soon turned into busking when it was a bust. And Tyler with the dancers, which I never even noticed on the show. One has an appropriately angry expression. One looks frighteningly like Lea from Big Brother. This is the type of comedy plot Stephanie de la Dean would have excelled at – can’t you see her clawing to get in as a backup dancer, sure this will be her big break and she’ll be big in America and all the rest, and then she slaps Jessie J and trips over the harness and falls off the stage.

    The back-and-forth recaps between you and Steven has been far more successful than the weird split format on The Voice. I never felt like we saw these people grow as artists, which isn’t unusual for a talent show, but stands out when you constantly hear everyone at the show saying how much they’ve grown. I think this is the main reason Leanne won – beyond just her being more acceptable to the average viewer, they could say, oh look, we’ve taken her on a journey (even if became a journey to the center of an earache). Vince, Tyler, and Bo were never tested. They were repeatedly touted as brilliant no matter what they did, and already more than capable of being superstars, which just made me wonder why they were on the show in the first place. I think this hurt Vince most of all, because his whole act seemed so false, and it was difficult to break through. I always felt like he was on some show of his own, even at the end. It was just kind of sad seeing him completely drowned out by backing vocals on a song which wasn’t suited for him (much less a finale), drowning in the spring line of the Blanche Deveraux Collection, and finally ending in the bizarre joke of performing in an empty stadium. By the last few weeks I’d started to appreciate Vince more, but it was in spite of his image and the show’s hype.

    I wonder if they decided at the last minute to eliminate someone, and the original plan was to have everyone stay to the end, since they’re all artists and all winners and all the rest. That might explain how poorly done the elimination was.

    Danny must have been so in love with Bo that he decided she would surpass Sinead O’Connor, so he gave Bo the #1 song which would expose her as a great pretender. Reverb or not, Bo just seemed lifeless, on a song that was not suited for a finale. Then Danny completely overshadowed her in what I will just take as a failed tribute to Adam Yauch. Bo does have a certain charisma, but until she stops believing that playing a consumptive heiress in a 1927 Agatha Christie book is original, then her career success may peak at, “She’s almost #1 on iTunes, damn that Jubilee!”

    I had no idea who Danny was when this show started, then I grew to really like him, and now I just need a long break from him. If the show had gone on another week, he would have been Corey Feldman.

    Leanne just kept screaming and wailing like Steven Tyler had landed on her head. I guess that gets the votes. Of everyone in the finale, I think she probably was the one I was least objectionable toward, but I feel a little sorry for her that people will just consign her as a flop winner (as they’re already doing). I agree with you that Tom outsang her in the duet, but she’d done so much belting and wailing the rest of the night that I think it didn’t matter as much here, that she just got a chance to be a little more lively and fun. That and the judges’ duet were the only hints of fun in this oddly po-faced show. The whole show just became an exercise in a child asking why. “We are superior to the X-Factor.” “Why?” “Ratings don’t matter, except when we beat Cowell.” “Why?” “We are for artists.” “Why?”

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think Leanne won because she peaked at exactly the right time – when everyone else was falling apart, particularly Ruth. She put out a very traditional performance (which was always going to win a show on BBC1 at 7pm on a Saturday, to the extent that I’m genuinely baffled that Vince even made it to the final) and then followed it up with the same sort of thing the next week, and it was enough to win. I don’t really think journeys have much to do with it – nobody has a journey in four performances. People just noticed her at the right time.

      I’m sure Leanne will be seen as a flop winner, but whoever won would have flopped, so it’s probably in the show’s interest that it’s the one where it’s easiest to explain it away. The Voice is too pure for the evil pop industry! Our pure talent winner couldn’t make it out in the evil, shallow real world because she’s too humble and not skinny enough! Much harder to pull that angle off with Bo.

      Reply
      1. Carl

        I know there was some speculation Jessie chose her team in a certain way to help Vince, and if people had to choose between Vince (who seemed sweet, if way too much like a friend of the son in Down and Out in Beverly Hills), and Becky (who was also sweet and fun, but who may have set off BROKEN BRITAIN alarms in some viewers since she was cursing on air and such), I guess Vince was safer in their mind.

        That’s the only reason I was almost hoping Leanne didn’t win – to see the show dance around a more “commercial” (so commercial that they’ve been waiting around 5-10 years for the industry to notice…) winner to flop. But I guess Bo, Tyler, and Vince may all have help from their mentors whether they won or lost. Leanne, who knows.

  5. Left Feet

    This show really should have worked better then it did and I hoped it would because really apart from the hype both Cowell shows are really empty vessels. The Blinds and Battles worked so for next year they need a hook for the live shows to somehow make them differient from other shows of this kind. Sadly I checked out before the semis but there is half a good show there.
    I would keep both hosts but give Reggie Yates more to do on the live shows. Of the Coachs I’m only really sure that Danny will return the other three don’t really need the show or any talent show to be successful. In a way thats the sad part of the coachs not really gelling in the lives because on paper this panel was miles better then any X Factor panel and of all X Factor judges only Gary Barlow is at the level of three of the panel. I will give it a second go next year hopefully Evil Moira Ross will fix things.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think the main problem with the lives is that the pacing is really off. You start off with 20 acts, and after 2 performances a-piece, most of them are gone. Not that there wasn’t fodder this year, but it felt really hard to get attached to any of them, and then you get a situation where the first time the winner really does anythnig that registers is one episode before the end.

      Reply
      1. Monaogg

        As the Battles are pre-recorded it seems so stupid to then split teams. This along with the non live results was possibly the biggest gripe about the whole show.

  6. Poppy

    I gave up watching half way through the battle rounds, for me they didn’t work at all. They seemed to be based on the loudest person winning, and the singing was just atrocious.

    Bless you Monkseal and Steve for doggedly carrying on, I don’t think you should apologise for skimming over anything, I’d have skimmed over much, much more than you did! Well done for extracting pearls of comedy from the ordure which was The Voice. I don’t know how you did it, but you made me laugh every week.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I can’t imagine how Steve coped with Teams William/Tom. I think I might have offed myself.

      Reply
  7. Simon T

    Two things, neither of which are particularly salient to your write-up (and I’ve loved yours and Steve’s throughout, thanks so much for them!)

    1.) Balut! That haunted a summer of my life. I never ate it, but did hear the baaah-luuuut man wandering the streets at all hours.

    2.) I’ve never worked out why Evil Moira Ross is evil – do tell?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      It’s really a Strictly reference. Moira Ross took over as a producer in Series 8 and blew the cobwebs off the whole show, sacking a whole bunch of dancers, changing the focus of the show more towards general entertainment over “learning to dance”, shortening the run, fixing Alesha’s brief, creating the “Live Launch Show”, introducing theme weeks and props and lots of Americanisms. It worked, garnering the show massive ratings and producing an Internet Darling of a winner, but she pissed off so many of the show’s rabid fanbase (ie everyone so tragically into the show that we know the name of the executive producer) that everyone entered a state of toxic denial and called for her to be sacked for RUINING THE SHOW. I found this hilarious and then started calling her Evil Moira Ross solely as an act of perversity and sarcasm.

      Not that I liked everything she did personally, but the woman did her job brilliantly (on that show at least).

      Reply
      1. Simon T

        Ah, ta! I have only ever seen Strictly when my housemate was watching it, so… missed her evilness. I have similar feelings (without irony) towards the recently departed producer of Neighbours, Susan Bower (or SuBo, if you will.)

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