The Apprentice 8 – What I Learnt From “The Final Five”

A list post

    • Adam believes himself to be a massive character
    • Yes, he said “character”
    • Of all the finalists, Tom is the most financially succesful
    • He also has the prettiest girlfriend, as far as I’m any judge
    • Adam has the most glam mum though
    • Tom’s party piece is apparently “doing maths”. Try not to look surprised
    • Jade was a giant, loud child who scared the shit out of everyone
    • Ricky Martin has been a professional wrestler for 6 years, running a heel gimmick
    • This show is kind of embarrassed that the skills required for getting ahead in it are pretty much the same as the ones required in the world of fake wrestling and would not like to draw too much attention to that fact, thank you very much
    • Nick was quite a stupid child
    • Ricky Martin is a biochemist trained to degree level, and loves talking about science and his “geeky side”
    • Nirrck thinks that Ricky Martin has a very capable brain “beating somewhere in there”.
    • Nobody should tell Ricky Martin about Nirrck’s poor grasp of biology, otherwise he’ll probably stage a boardroom coup right there and then, having lost all respect for the man
    • On second thoughts, they totally should
    • Tom’s financial success is mostly down to taking his already existing family wine business and taking it MULTI-NATIONAL. He and his father bonded over this, and enjoy working together. Some family members… possibly less so.


  • Tom’s resentful brother who will probably burn down the family vineyard and frame Tom, making out like he did for the insurance money, is the INCIDENTAL CHARACTER BOYFRIEND OF THE WEEK (/this episode)
  • Jade used to be a 18-30 Holiday rep. This has left her with the ability to get on with both loud and quiet people. You know, all the quiet people who go on 18-30 holidays. You know, the unconscious ones.
  • Jade can probably do more black sambuccas than I can name Apprentice candidates. And I’ve been blogging this show a while.
  • Her post-Boardroom smug dance is still amazing
  • Tom should not try and say cutesy stuff like “Jade bringing me back into the boardroom was wrong because I AM THE BEST CANDIDATE (lol)” because his face can’t really carry it off without it confusing people, based on the Internet reaction.
  • Tom should not say things like “I’m really really calm and even-tempered and laid back and then I JUST SNAP!!!” generally, because it’s scary.
  • Ricky Martin believes that he personally fired Michael. Him and influenza.
  • In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. And Nick Holzherr.
  • Kaen thinks that Tom is “half a playboy, half a gambler”
  • Kaen needs to knock off the Jilly Cooper.
  • I still don’t really know what Jade’s job is, really.
  • Adam’s brother is STRAIGHT OUTTA Hollyoaks.
  • Ricky Martin is very good to his mother
  • Adam has a property portfolio worth £1,000,000. In the Norf. This basically means he owns Wigan.
  • Nick nursed his ailing father back to health after he almost died in a paragliding accident
  • I think Kaen wrote that bit.


    • Adam was a really shy child, who used to cry when separated from his mother. Given how GLAM she is, I probably would have too
    • They are apparently trying to get us to call “SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING” the “Flip It” task.
    • “They” also tried to make us call “Coco Pops” “Choco Crispies”, juss saying.
    • The only negatives they can really come up with for Nick are “is nice” and “doesn’t argue”.
    • Nick’s probably winning, but I wouldn’t rule Tom out.
    • Adam got in with the wrong crowd at secondary school and got drunk and chased girls and dropped out and…bit a lot of guys ears in a homoerotic fashion.
    • In all the ways that my own school experience did not match Adam’s, it’s that last one that really stings


    • Nick ran a coffee stall at University that something something social media business cards something.
    • Shrug
    • I lost focus somewhere around where he got his tits out


  • If we’re entered this into Eurovision as a girlband instead of Engleblerg Humpandump we would definitely have won
  • Well come 5th at least.
  • Well, top 10
  • Tom loves his hair
  • I love Tom’s hair
  • I feel it just needed to be said
  • Best Apprentice hair ever, probably
  • So versatile
  • At times classic, at times modern
  • Fluffy, but also strong
  • I’m not going to talk about the soul patch Nick had at University, because it actually hurts me to think about it a little
  • The worst mistake Jade EVER MADE was bringing Tom back to the Boardroom
  • The worst mistake Ricky Martin EVER MADE was bringing Laura back to the Boardroom
  • That’s why they were both fired OH WAIT.
  • Jade LIKES Nick and RESPECTS Tom and DOES NOT LIKE Adam
  • Jade has opinions, and she is not afraid to shout them

20 thoughts on “The Apprentice 8 – What I Learnt From “The Final Five”

  1. Neio

    It was so hard to pick a favorite Final Five – Series 4,5,6,7 were all contenders for me. This one is probably one of the worst in my opinion. I just can’t see Interviews being as much fun as in previous years with so few of the real characters/nutters left.

    Love the ICB choice of Tom’s resentful-looking younger brother. Another contender is definitely whoever that is in the beige and red shorts and the hat behind Nick in his second gap yah photo. That body!

    Given Kaen’s description of Tom, it seems we have another Wotherspoon-style crush on her hands.

    Looking at Adam’s mum made me wonder how he turned out looking… the way he does.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think, bizarrely, Tom has come the closest to being a “character” at the end of it all, which is so odd given his lack of personality beyond a snarl for half the show. I guess he’s gone in the opposite direction to Ricky Martin, who started off looking like a “type” but has ended up rather normal.

  2. FuTeffla

    Tom may be a human calculator but is he a notebook hyphen calculator? Of such raw material are Apprentice winners made.

    Ricky’s love for his mum is adorable.

    ‘[Nick] was a very dreamy child’. Well, he’s quite a dreamy adult. Wait. That wasn’t what you meant. Also, Nick, I have no idea what your business is. I thought I didn’t understand what Melody did (I don’t) but I *especially* don’t understand what you do.

    Jade and Kaen’s dislike of Adam is hilarious. Particularly Jade’s insistence that it is nothing personal. To paraphrase The Thick of It, you’re saying you don’t like him as a person. This is pretty personal.

    Fairly certain Adam was a Milky Bar Kid.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I really think Jade and Adam needed to give in to the hate at some point and have a full on FEUD, rather than all this “sometimes in life you’re just not meant to get on with people, oh well” BULLCRAP. It’s all so bloody REASONABLE.

  3. Ferny

    Bless Tom’s girlfriends for insisting that Tom IS fun, honest…meanwhile Tom is saying his party trick is maths. lol

    1. monkseal Post author

      Tom seems to be a person who does a lot of fun things, he just…doesn’t behave like it. Maybe his life is one long game of Grandmother’s Footsteps/Weeping Angels and he’s raving it up 24/7 until someone looks at him, when the sour puss comes out.

  4. fused

    I think one reason that there was such a bad reaction to Tom saying he’s the best candidate, joking or not, is that he comes across as very arrogant generally. I didn’t like him that much on this Final Five programme, partly because he ticked a lot of boxes of Things I Don’t Like That Much (maths, football, and that segment about his hair reminded me of that Everyone Knows A Bloke Like Mickey advert). I like the choice of his resentful-looking brother as the ICB though.

    On the other hand the programme reaffirmed to me that I really like Jade. I also thought when they showed that picture of her as a club rep that they looked very much like a ’90s pop girl group. Nick seemed like a very nice guy as expected, and I thought the bits with Adam and Ricky’s mums were quite sweet.

  5. Jo (@azure_karura)

    I didn’t really get where Nick’s mum was when he was singlehandedly looking after his dad. Oh well.

    Also, Tom’s resentful brother reminds me of one of the bad guys from Alias. There’s definitely torture and killing in the future for that family.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I didn’t know if it was a “man of the house” sort of thing. Maybe they’re quite a traditional sort of family. They are Swiss after all.

  6. constantmotion

    I went for series 7, final-five-wise, but am not disappointed at all to see series 5 winning.

    They just seemed like bigger personalities in series 7. A wide range of businesspeople, each stunning in their own right with their own unique remarkable talents and debilitating flaws, and Natasha Scribbins. Lively bunch, full of fight, plus Jim and Tom are among my favourite candidates of the show’s entire run. A brilliant fireworks display of a final five.

    This one’s decent! I like them all, but I don’t particularly care who wins if it’s not Ricky Martin, and I’ve got a sinking feeling it’s probably not. Nick and Tom are so clearly where the watermark’s set that I don’t really mind who gets it between them. Both good candidates, both done a lot of good stuff, enjoyed watching both of their journeys, but both a little uninteresting. There’s not much fight in them.

    Mind you, that’ll make it all the sweeter if Ricky does win.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think I ultimately went for 7 on the grounds that I found Helen more likable than I found Kate, and they were in both cases my least favourite of their pack. I don’t mind any of this year’s, apart from Adam (and I struggle to summon up much rigtheous indignation there) but none of them really stand out as all-time great characters.

  7. Jenny

    Adam was definitely the character of the series, but I’m really warming to Jade. “It was a whorehouse” will never get old for me.

    When the caption “Ricky Martin: Recruitment Consultant” came up, my boyfriend & I both went “ah, that makes everything make sense”. Like when Edmund Blackadder suddenly understands what his Spanish torturer is describing by mime and says: “Oh, it’s a scythe….”

    Not that I dislike Ricky Martin, but he’s got that efficient, blank ok-ness that recruiters can’t seem to shake off (even if they are wrestling bio-chemists).

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that Adam is going to be the one everyone remembers. Then again, this is going to be the “Big Brother 4” anyway, so good luck to any of them.

    1. monkseal Post author

      They’ve literally never been on the same team, so maybe she doesn’t feel like she can have one. Actually, I’m not sure that would stop her…

  8. TheBockingfordKid

    Sugar, three weeks ago ‘ Both those bladdy wine ads were rubbish you muppets! You all haven’t got a bleedin clue!’

    Karen on the final five night, when they suddenly switch gear and pretend everyone in the final five is a genius… ‘Jade’s ad was awesomes!’

    1. monkseal Post author

      There were two bits of Nick’s where the clip shown directly contradicted what was being shown, and they just fronted out that it didn’t. One was them saying that Nick always gets the brief and understands the task (*clip of him getting the wine brief wrong*) and then one about how he’s always on top of margins and figures (*clip of him pricing the teddy bears far too high*).

      Given that Nick has generally done very little wrong, that’s impressive in a perverse kind of way.

    1. monkseal Post author

      No idea. The bits about the actual tasks I mostly tuned out. I remember them trying SO HARD to make Scribbles look competent last year that it almost convinced me, and I’ve been scared of the non-personal bits ever since.


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