So, five people left then. It’s time for The Final Task. And sadly it is still, resolutely, not in forrin. Unless Margaret has insisted that all her interviews take place on her private beach in Hawaii, as she relaxes in her hammock and sups mango juice out of a coconut shell, I’m thinking this is it for our hopes of seeing the candidates speak any lanugage other than garbled English.
First things first though, we need to find a friend for Ricky Martin, as he’s looking awfully lonely over in the wreckage of Sterling, soot on his face and brushing bits of Gabrielle off his suit. Lordalan selects Tom for the job, because God knows, if there’s anyone on this show with natural warmth and a welcoming demeanour it’s Tom. The task? Design a luxury range of products and the shop in which they are to be sold, and then pitch it to a group of “industry experts”. Whoever Lordalan likes best, wins.
Sadly, unlike last year’s restaurant-off, the task resolves down to an old dependable Apprentice favourite. Considered but boring vs exciting but impractical. Weighing in on the side of the former are Sterling, who have selected “male grooming products” as their product line, and provide nothing really very interesting all episode apart from the opportunity to make gay jokes, paedo jokes, and gay paedo jokes. And you know me, that’s definitely not enough alone to hold my attention. Their packagaing is cheap, their pitch is uninspired, and their shop space is spartan, but they’ve clearly done their research, have the subject-matter down pat and can at least fake a workable sounding business out of it, via logic and reasoning.
Phoenix’s logic and reasoning on the other hand goes something like :
Nick : CHOCLIT!
Adam : JELLEH!
Jade : BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZZZZZZE!
They construct some sort of utopian sweet-shop where you also get wasted, which is honest to God the most enticing business prospect I’ve ever seen on this show, ever. Even more so than Ruth Badger Cruises. Sadly though, like all utopias, it is built on lies, dodgy figures, and probably some dead Sri Lankan babies propping the whole thing up. This becomes apparent within about 5 seconds of their pitch, which consists of – Adam reading off his own hand ; Jade being competent and charismatic until she’s asked a single question, at which point she FLAIL-QUITS ; and Nick for the first time utterly failing at figures and planning.
So, just like all perfect things, Phoenix Sweets cannot exist, and so they lose. *sniff* Ricky Martin and Tom don’t get a treat, except smugness, which they seize eagerly with both hands.
The Final Boardroom goes down pretty much as you’d expect, with one key exception. Adam calls in all his “sexism”, “one trick pony”, and “out of his depth” chips and is transparently cruising for a firing. Jade yells at full volume about her passion and finally gets to bury Adam totally, just as she’s been itching to do all series. It’s, somewhat oddly, left up to Nick to provide the Boardroom’s Wild Card, as he suddenly and randomly decides to troll the whole thing, transparently as strategy, and say that Jade should get fired. He does this via a series of bold-faced lies that culminate in him saying that he won the last task single-handedly and in fact Jade didn’t do a thing. And also did he mention that everyone hates Jade and she is incapable of forming relationships with other human beings?
Afterwards he openly laughs to Jade back at the Apprentice Hacienda about what a massive troll he was. Jade seems…less amused.
(Oh yeah, Adam was fired, duh).
(Sidebar : I am away shortly for a wedding, which may somewhat delay my final recaps. As such, let’s get this out of the way now)