When the Jaz man’s testifying, a faithless man believes, but the folks at home didn’t pick up their phones, and so he had to leave…
Last night: the show continued to slowly drown in its own ocean of earnestness, contestants continued to make the same mistakes they’ve been making since the beginning, William and Danny continued to argue amongst themselves and Jessie continued desperately trying to make this into the show she thought it was going to be when she signed up. Can’t blame a gal for trying.
You know, there’s a fine line between “tense, moody and atmospheric lighting” and “spilt coffee on the console and accidentally knocked all the sliders up while trying to clean away the spillage”, and I think this show may have just crossed it. The good news is that all the contestants have been allowed to get changed since the performance show. The bad news?
For Vince, this just means “putting a different vest on”. I bet Tyler’s still not wearing any socks either. This show just continues to sartorially torment me. Thank God this is my last recap. Still, I like Max’s shirt though, so all is not lost. The public have voted, and only four contestants are still in with a chance of becoming
THE FIST. Speaking of the wardrobe people on this show having a wilful disregard for what their audience wants
the Willoughboobies have been put away again. This is just wanton cruelty, especially on one of the warmest days of the year so far. Boobs die in hot bras! Or something. After the amazing death-defying exploits of Cheryl earlier, Reggie reminds us that we have
Kylie Minogue joining us later. I’d make a comment about how we’ve had Kylie Minogue and Cheryl Cole on as guests this week and neither of them are exactly the strongest singers in the world, but presumably they’ve just got great tone, like Aleks. To be fair, I’m sure in Evil Moira Ross’s Dreamy Fantasy World this show would have Adele on as a guest every week, but she’s too busy squirrelling banknotes into pillowcases where HMRC won’t be able to STEAL THEM from her and therefore has yet to answer the phone when Evil Moira Ross’s assistant, Only Really Evil By Association Benjamin, calls.
Before Kylie, of course, Reggie wants us to remember “the vocal talents that have brought eight artists this far in the competition”. I love this show’s insistence on referring to its contestants as “artists”. At this point in the proceedings, it’s positively precious. It’s like the Daily Mail calling itself a newspaper, or Perez Hilton insisting that he’s a human being. Holly points out that for four of them, it’ll be their last-ever performance on the show. And quite possibly on television. It’s our semi finalists!
At first the crowd are so loud that it’s nigh-on impossible to tell what song the band are playing, but Jaz is on first and his opening lyric is “we have the chance to turn the pages over”, and I’m sure I can’t be the only person of a certain age who broke out into hysterical laughter at this point, can I? Just in case you’re not as familiar with that song as I am (what? It was on the radio a lot in my formative years), they’re singing ‘You’re The Voice’ by John Farnham, aka the song that everyone joked that the show should use for a group song but never thought it would be cheesy enough to actually do. Though I suppose we should’ve seen this coming when Ruth sang ‘The Voice Within’ last night.
It was only ever going to be downhill from there. Team William and Team Jessie do the opening between them, and they all sound fine on their own, apart from when
Becky gets so enamoured with Vince that she forgets to hold her microphone up to her mouth. And really, that’s a staging problem rather than a tuning issue. Those, regrettably come at the chorus, when all four of them try to sing at the same time, and co-exist about as harmoniously as Alan Sugar and Piers Morgan. Still at least
this lot are enjoying themselves. Meanwhile, Bo has come as
the Black Swan version of yesterday’s character. Or possibly as Emily Thorne. (REVEEEEEEEEENGE!) Then Ruth and Leanne compete to see who can inhale the song the fastest, and somehow Teams Tom and Danny sound even worse together than Teams William and Jessie did. Meanwhile I’m confused that we’ve gone through all those blind auditions and battles and live shows and eliminated all those people, only to discover that I’m The Voice. I really didn’t see that coming at all.
And let me finish by saying I like nothing better than when William and Jessie J just embrace their inner A Level Performing Arts dorky selves and say go hang to the rest of the world.
From there we go backstage at the performance show, where Becky is what my mother would refer to as
“just tired and showing off now”, and Max appears to be getting some, er,
“special attention”. Everyone thinks it’s SO UNFAIR that anyone has to leave this week because of their collective outstanding achievement in the field of excellence. Jessie J thinks her team brought Versality tonight (now they smell like Streep, for cheap!), while Danny thinks his team brought “the Classic English Songbook”. Which apparently consists of ‘Every Breath You Take’ and a Coldplay song that’s less than a year old, making me wonder who curated it. I have my suspicions that it might be more accurately described as the Classic English Song-Collection Of Dog-Eared And Beverage-Stained Post-It Notes. Max notes that he got
“harsh comments again”, and I’m beginning to wonder if they do it on purpose because his angry face is just SO ADORABLE. I mean, about 95% of William’s participation on this show seems to be straight-up trolling.
I rest my case. Bo, meanwhile, is looking forward to William coming to watch her in that stadium he promised her; Jaz thinks his performance is going to be “in the history books” (look in the index under The Great Hubris Of 2012); Tyler reminds us that he’s doing it for his mum; William says that the stand-out performance of the night was Cheryl Cole and my case gets back up, tilts its cap to a jauntier angle, and then sits down again for an even longer rest.
Back in the studio, Holly decides she wants a quick word with the coaches before we get any results, and once again
Tom chooses this moment to remember that he forgot to bring the bins in before he set off for the studio. He’s going to get a fine from the council! He thinks you should never stop learning. The contestants are still learning. He’s still learning. Danny Cohen and Evil Moira Ross are definitely still learning. Danny thinks it’s going to be “heartbreaking” for those who’ve gone on this amazing journey but won’t get to continue said journey next week, and he’s just glad he’s not making the decision tonight. The audience actually “awwww”s him for this, if you can believe that. Holly asks William if this lot are ready to tour the globe, which William takes as an excuse to show us how he can do a
vuhhhhry cohnveeenzing Frunch accsent. He’s this generation’s Arthur Bostrom. Finally we go to
Honest Jessie’s Quality Used Motors (“We just wanna make the world drive, don’t care about the price tag!”) who reminds us that it’s all hard work and emotional, and that she has so much respect for all of them making this the show that it’s become. That fruit is too low-hanging to be considered sport, so let’s just move on.
Team Danny are up first and apparently the show thinks we need a recap of how they got on last night, even though we’ve LITERALLY JUST HAD ONE, so instead I shall give you this
highly suggestive screengrab for your Photoshopping pleasure (you’re welcome!) and move straight on to the important business.
Max and Bo stand awaiting their fate, and the singer with the most viewer votes advancing to next week’s final is
not really a great surprise, all things considered. Bo goes off to the Vagina Room, while Holly tells Max that he can collect his thoughts while they watch his best bits, and Max’s
“ooh!” in response to this is an absolute joy to behold. His VT is most noteworthy for the complete absence of Twinings Tea. I will never properly rest until I find out what became of her. Danny joins Max on stage and for the first time this evening I witness the horror of his outfit.
No, seriously, what even is that?
Max talks about how Danny is a friend as well as a mentor these days, and basically gives a masterclass in how to do a gracious exit, being convincing in both his praise of Bo as the superior singer on his team and in his insistence that he’s so happy because he’s just had the best time here. I mean, I know he’s got evil ACTING TRAINING and all that, but I do think he was being sincere here. Admittedly he ruins it a little bit at the end by adding in a part where he talks about how he’s kept his integrity throughout the process, but nobody’s perfect, right? Danny gets all choked up talking about how brilliant Max is and then they have a
hilariously awkward goodbye where at any given point one of them appears to be going in for a high five or a kiss or a hug but the other one just isn’t quite there at the right moment, but they get there in the end. Bless.
Let’s go to the Vagina Room to get some reactions!
Bo’s very happy. Reggie points out that Becky and Vince have got
so very close over the past few months, and Vince says that all eight of them have got really close. Not those losers who got kicked off before this week, though. They can fend for themselves. Leanne bores on about “what will be will be”; Tyler says that if he gets through he’ll celebrate by running straight to his mum, while Jaz says that he’ll be going straight to Grandma’s House. He’s got it all on Sky+ ready to be watched when he’s feeling suitably celebratory. He’s heard that Ben Theodore turned up in the last episode and now he’s even more excited about it.
Team Jessie are next to get the results
and the one going through to the final is
again, not exactly a shocker. Becky absolutely beams, so thrilled for Vince is she (and swiftly demolishing the arguments of the Aleks Josh apologists who claimed that his face last week was just him being SO YOUNG and SO DISAPPOINTED and not, in actual fact, a big mardy baby) and Jessie J rushes on stage so that everyone can have
many feelings. We review her best bits, and then Holly has to
peel Becky’s hair away from her face so that we can actually see her and talk to her. Like Max, Becky is impressively composed (despite a few tears) and thoughtful in her exit speech, talking about what a brilliant opportunity she’s had and how she’d rather lose to Vince than anyone. Jessie J chips in about when she heard Becky sing for the first time and she buzzed her buzzer (FNAR) and how Becky’s worked so hard from that day onwards.
Well, that’s the last two remaining contestants that I gave a shit about eliminated now. The final is going to be a LONG slog, isn’t it?
After that, we get a lengthy trailer for the aforementioned final, which will apparently involve the coaches all singing each other’s songs in a medley. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to hear Danny singing ‘The Time (Dirty Bit)’ or Tom singing ‘Do It Like A Dude’.
Then we get a brief snippet of the hopefuls from Team Tom in a VT as Leanne picks up the “I’ve been overshadowed by Ruth” ball and runs with it, then we’re back into studio for the
Tag Team Hide And Seek World Championships 2012, but not before we’ve announced who’ll be representing Team Tom in the final.
ZOMGSHOCKBOOT! Although Ruth was on first and was kind of a mess and loads of people decided that Leanne was technically flawless this week (I, unfortunately, was not one of them) so perhaps it’s not that big a surprise, not really. Sir Tom Jones status?
Feeling really confident in his chances of winning. After Ruth’s best bits, which extensively cover her increased confidence from taking part in this competition (now significantly lower than it was five minutes ago, I’m guessing), Holly tries to console Ruth by telling her she’s not just grown as an artist, but as a PERSON.
Ruth has, at least, got the self-possession to keep herself together here and say she’s really enjoyed the experience, while Tom says that Ruth is a great singer, and a wonderful person, and he’s going to make sure she’s a star. It’s a lovely gesture, but considering his rather hands-off mentoring style on the show, I wonder what exactly it’ll count for in the real world.
So, you’re thinking Team William now, and then we can all go home, yes? Not quite: there’s still the small matter of a Minogue, K to consider. Here she is with her new single ‘Timebomb’.
Between this and my general distaste for the Scissor Sisters two weeks ago I suspect I’m in severe danger of having my gay card revoked permanently, but Kylie’s new single is a bit shit. And “make up not war!” is right up there with “keep calm and carry on” in terms of personal mantras that will really make me judge you.
The hippy thing is a nice aesthetic and everything (although Becky did it better on a far smaller props budget) but I just don’t really see what it’s there for. I’m just going to blame William Baker, even if it was nothing to do with him. After losing three hours of my life to Rent: Remixed, I feel I have licence to blame William Baker for anything I choose, until the end of time.
Holly remarks that this must be “an unusual front row” for Kylie, and Kylie’s all
“yes, there are usually a few more gays than that”. Holly asks Kylie for the secret of her longevity, and Kylie gives fairly sensible advice about working hard and not blaming yourself too much when things go wrong because everyone has highs and lows and you just have to keep at it. I hope Danny is scribbling “HIGHS AND LOWS” in his Very Important Notebook right now.
Finally, it’s time to select a finalist from Team William, and
we’ll have no girly hand-holding here, thank you very much. Team William only acknowledges the angsty solitude of Manhood. The contestant voted through to the final by the viewers is…
…Tyler, which is both a surprise and also not. It’s a surprise because Jaz seemed like the more secure of the two frontrunners, but also not because we’ve already had a shock boot in Leanne staying over Ruth, so from a sequencing point of view it makes absolutely no sense to follow that with an elimination that’s a fait accompli. They have a
manly embrace, and Tyler heads backstage while Holly comes over to provide some boobs for Jaz to cry on. Hilariously, Jaz’s best bits VT focuses heavily on his audition but completely ignores his actual audition song, pretending that it was ‘Ordinary People’ instead of ‘The A Team’. As someone who would be only too happy to see Ed Sheeran consigned to the dustbin of history, I broadly support this notion, but it’s still cheating. The show clearly just wanted to show William getting all misty-eyed by someone singing one of his songs, which is yet another acknowledgement that the show had underestimated the value of the sort of cheap sentiment that normally pads out an episode of The X Factor.
Back in the studio
Jaz tells Holly that he came on the show to learn, and that’s what he’s done – he’s learnt a lot from “Sir Will”. (LOL.) William declares Jaz “blessed” and says that he’ll “forever be changed” just from having met him. Nobody asks the important question, which is “do you think Jaz might have made it to the final if you hadn’t overdone it with the video screens and the wife-spotlighting a fortnight ago?”
Right, so here are our finalists:
Next week they’ll be performing with their coaches as well as performing solo. Fortunately, this is my last recap of The Voice so that’ll be Chris’s burden to bear. I’d just like to say a quick thank you to all of you for reading, and for being so welcoming, and hopefully if I behave myself I’ll be allowed back for series two. Which, by the way, they’re inviting applications for now, so why not sign up and next year it could be YOUR face that we’re freeze-framing in an unfortunate position, or YOUR relationship with your mentor that we’re assigning a homoerotic subtext to. Thanks for reading! Deedle-dee-deedle-dee-deedle-dee THAT IS YOUR LOT (from me, at least)! *electric guitar*