The Voice – Episode 14 (Results : Team Jessie vs Team Danny Round 2)

Aleks learnt the truth at seventeen, lost to someone posher than the Queen, and a stage-school boy with a zit-piercing’d smile, who got all his fans on auto-dial.

Last night, the show was beseiged by forces of insanity outside of its control. Swearing, Evil William, mics that weren’t in, Jessie J’s hairdresser, a creepy harmonica player, someone suggesting a Maroon 5 song was less than amazing. So much carnage. What manifest psychosis could compare in this half hour show that’s mostly filler and recap? Oh, right, Paloma Faith’s performing, carry on.

DEEDLE DEE

DEEDLE-DEE DEEDLE-DEE THIS IS THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Here are your hosts

EROTIC! EROTIC!

taking their inspiration from Madonna. I feel like going back in time and telling Mary Whitehouse that, 10 years after her death, someone would be presenting BBC1s flagship family entertainment show dressed like that. Imagine the look on her face. Holly tells us that the lines are now closed, and Reggie chips in to say that 8 artists entered this week’s show, but only 4 will carry on into next week’s semi finals. Whoever wins the public vote is automatically through, then the judges will decide from the other 3. Then Evil William will

HA HA HA

UNLEASH HIS ROBOT ARMY, AND DESTROY THEM ALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Just in case you forgot, last week Tom had the ONEROUS task of eliminating Mooleen and that guy with a guitar who looked a bit like a dinosaur, leaving him with Ruth & Leanne. They are the VERY BEST of Team Tom. So in case you were missing them, they’re here to sing a duet. And because, if you’re a fan of Team Tom you’re a fan of shouting, they’re going to do a Florence & The Kitchen Sink song. Joy.

HOOT
HOOT!

It is so sad that this is legitimately the best either of them have ever been styled. THIS. In both cases. Anyway, they’re singing “Shake It Out”, and it’s got the same problem as any duet with Ruth is going to have – her voice plays about as well with others as I imagine Becky did at nursery. (NO! BECKY’S FLINTSTONE PHONE! BECKY SMASH!) Also once again she gets bored halfway through and

WORR
beebeh

just starts singing in a funny voice for no reason. Is it too much to expect someone to pick one accent per song and stick to it? Can you imagine if she’d been in Jessie J’s category? [Incidentally, from looking at those pictures above, I choose to believe they were singing ‘I Know Him So Well’ and no one can persuade me otherwise. – Steve]

Other than that it’s…

LAAAAAAAAAAAAH

erm…it’s loud?

Next, it’s time to chat with the judges! Yay!

Woo hoo

Jessie J looks especially keen! Reggie asks her if anyone can ever prepare an act for the sort of brutal rejection that happens on this stage every Satu…Sunday night? Jessie says that she can’t, no, because all the show’s budget went on the swivel chairs, so they didn’t have any budget left for aftercare. If Becky and Aleks go all Bonnie & Clyde on everyone, it’s Evil Moira Ross’ fault, she washes her hands of all responsibility. (She completely ignores answering the question in favour of waffling on about how she’s going to go with her heart so…I made my own answer up. Whatever.)

Tom is asked if seeing Ruth & Leanne has whet his appetite for the semi-final? Tom says it did.

DELICIOUS!

That was merely a delicious hors d’oeuvre for the main course that is the Semi-Finals. I think my delicious hors d’oeuvre had a hair in it. Holly asks Will what we can expect from Jas & Tyler, and William replies that if they perform as well as “Fashion Obama” dresses, we’re in for a treat.

FASHA NA BAM BAM

What a shame he’s stood next to the Fashion Michelle Bachman.

Backstage recap anyone?

MEAN
DING DING DING
BECKY SMASH
OUT THE WAY, TONI!

Danny thinks Evil William was SO UNFAIR; nobody can find anything to say about Cassius so Jessie just goes “DING DING!” like the Playbus ; Bo is off getting her back seen to ; Aleks is off having a sulk ; Becky is quite excited about the thought of doing a duet with Danny ; David is possibly off with that girl he sang to, or at least a groupie wearing a mask with a picture of her face on ; everybody appreciates Toni’s passion, but they’d like it even more if she got out of the way of the bloody Stage Door.

Especially as I would imagine the backstage crew were…quite busy last night. Might explain the lack of backstage footage, probably because most of it involved Evil Moira Ross assaulting anybody who got in her way.

Back to the stage now, and time to find out who from Team Jessie got the most viewer votes. It’s

WOO

VINCE! He, Becky and Toni all have a massive

HUGZ

hug and mutual appreciation fest replete with “I LOVE YOU!”s. Cassius is…off somewhere else. Maybe he’s taking his last opportunity to get in Holly’s cleavage. We have to take these moments whilst we can. Vince jogs off, and Holly tells Cassius, Toni and Becky that they’ll just have to wait for Jessie’s decision later. Holly then turns to Jessie and tells her that she seems to be the calmest when it comes to making these decisions. I wish someone had cut to a recap of Tom icing Buttery Biscuit Base like a mafia hitman then.

Anyway, Jessie waffles about how it makes her happy just to be in the position of having three amazing artists to choose from in the first place. And all so different! Notice she was not saying this when she had to choose between Toni and Ruth-Ann St-Luce.

Next up

MENKUL

KERRAZY PALOMA FAITH! I have to admit, I was never a huge fan before I found out how

Barking mad
RARGH

absolutely hat-stand she is. I’m surprised she even turned up after slagging the show off extensively in the press for editing her out and claiming she was friends with Danny when she’d never even met the man. Anyway, it’s Paloma Faith so it’s very vintage-shop and overblown, but I’ll take someone who can sing over the double threat of Kylie/Cheryl that’s bearing down on us next week. The song appears to be about how poor faithful Paloma is left picking up the pieces of her oblivious beau’s life, as he pines for a lost love and fails to see that the one he really needs is right there by his side.

GRARRRRGH

I WONDER WHY!

Also, nice work on re-using that Christmas table decoration for your hair. Real can-do spirit in these Troubled Times. Towards the end a confetti-cannon

PFFFT

goes off an shows her with ticker-tape. It’s all very X Factor Winners Single, if X Factor Winner Singles were good and not tacky mid-tempo retreads of dreary overplayed Sacred Indie Cows. Or whatever Joe did.

All the best to Paloma, and a vain hope this accelerates Cerys Matthews being allowed to perform. Come on, you’ve let two of the mentors pimp their wares. Why not CERYS? You can skip Carmen Sandiego if you want. End of song sad-face?

SAD FACE

There we go.

Next up

FACE
FACE
BEAUTY
FACE
JESSIE

a filler video of the judges pulling funny faces. No really. Flagship stuff this.

Ahem. Now it’s time to find out who the public have saved from Team Danny. The tension is so high for Danny that he appears to have

Zzzzz

fallen asleep. I know Danny, I know. Only two more weeks to go though. Anyway, the member of Team Danny that the public love best is

Wah

Bo. Everyone gives her many hugs, although Aleks already

BOO

appears to have a bit of a cob on. (No, not that Danny, sorry. Listen more carefully next time)

Holly asks Danny if he’s surprised, and he says he’s not – Bo gave one of the better performances of the night. It’s now up to Danny to decide which of the three guys in front of him who he feels he could most help have a long career in the music industry, as a roadie for The Script. It’s not easy. Max knows the biz, David’s burly and Aleks has…fringe benefits. SUCH A HARD CHOICE HOLLY!

TO THE VAGINA ROOM!

SULK POUT SULK

What a cheery bunch of people. By which I’m mostly referring to Aleks obviously. Reggie asks Cassius if there’s more to hear from him, and he replies that there definitely is. It’s so frustrating, because he knows there’s so much more that he can achieve. One day, he will get his nose RIGHT in the crack, but it won’t touch anything, so Holly can’t complain. It’s a delicate operation, but he thinks he can do it. Becky also says that she has SO MUCH MORE TO SHOW PEOPLE. [So many curse words she’s not had time to say yet! – Steve] The camera

SO MUCH MORE TO SEE FROM BECKY

bizarrely cuts to David as she’s saying this. Probably because he’s looking quite teary, but I’d like to think it might be because Becky is that one Special Lady he was singing to. What a fine couple they’d make.

Reggie next asks Toni what it means to move Jessie J to tears. Toni replies that the reason she got into music was to connect to people via her singing, so to move THE GREATEST SINGER IN THE WORLD to tears means so much to her.

LOL

Becky is just DARING Reggie not to laugh at that isn’t she? Daring him. Don’t worry though it’s about to get worse.

Max Milner is about to say that making Danny proud MEANS THE WORLD to him. When Danny’s proud of him, he feel proud of himself. Do you know how that feels Reggie?

POUT

Bloody hell, I haven’t seen sucking up this blatant outside of the interview rounds on The Apprentice. Max closes by saying that Danny’s pride is the only thing giving him the push and the drive to even carry on living.

*cry*

Well he doesn’t actually say “living”, but the implication is there. Aleks refuses to speak in favour of looking sulky, and then David says he wouldn’t change a thing. Good lord that whole segment was overwrought.

Now it’s time to cut two people from Team Jessie, so it’s time for a quick recap of their performances from last Night, so they’ve got time to get them all out on stage.

TA DAH

Here they are! Jessie tells Cassius that he’s got a unique tone, and he really tried to relax on Saturday, but she’s not sure he let go enough. She tells Becky that her energy and her stage presence is really exciting, and she’s willing to learn from everything Jessie tells her. She closes by telling Toni that she struggles to coach her, because her singing and the way she “says words” is perfect already. Having said all that, she’s taking through

WOO

BECKY! On the grounds that there’s still room to coach her into greatness. [And on the grounds that I’ve not recapped her since the auditions and it’s MY TURN NOW DAMMIT. – Steve] Sadly, Becky does not swear at this announcement. Boo. That’s the only reason I would have even done it, myself. (Not really : Becky <3) Everyone hugs her…slightly less enthusiastically than they hugged Vince.

Jessie comes up on stage to join her losers, and Holly tells Toni that she must have learnt so much from Jessie J. Toni says that she

CERTAINLY

certainly has. I briefly hope she follows that up with “how to be a SNAKEY BITCH! BECKY? BECKY?! SHE SWORE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!”. Sadly she just says that it’s been a dream to be here and that she wanted it to continue into the semis, but Becky and Vince are both awesome, and they deserve it. She sounds so sincere. Holly asks Cassius if he’s enjoyed being part of The Voice, and he replies that he has

Wa womp

Two parts of it in particular.

Next up? It’s time for the duet from Team William. What, they’re re-airing last week’s “group performance”? No, it’s a whole NEW opportunity for Jas and Tyler to hog the limelight, as they both falsetto their way through “Roxanne”. Sadly not the “Moulin Rouge” version. To play them in

PLINK PLINK PLONK

Danny plays a little invisible piano. What an ARTIST.

lah

Jas is kind of nasal, Tyler’s falsetto still falls somewhere between Vince’s and David’s, quality wise, William

WHEE

still gets up on the chair and does a little dance. It’s a very Team William performance. Both Jas and Tyler’s faces appear on a customary video-wall, but sadly they are not gazing soulfully at one another like Jaz and the Jaz-Wife. FOR SHAME.

Time to find out who’s leaving from Team Danny now.

BOM BOMP

Danny tells Max that he writes his own songs, plays the guitar, and really takes chances in his performances (LIKE THE LOO PEDAL!). He tells Aleks that he sees him selling a lot of records and also that he’s “wise beyond his years” (he says as Aleks is standing

THE PAIN

staring at his feet and pouting because he’s about to lose a game show). He tells David that he sees a lot of himself in him (!) but he’s going to base his decision on who he can see opening up for The Script (!!), and that’s

GOSH!

MAX! He’s so touched! Everyone hugs him off, and Holly asks Aleks if he’s fine.

*pout*

He mutters “yeah”, and then his bottom lip wobbles around all over the place. Such a woobie. Holly asks David what he’ll take away from this competition, and he says a few months ago he was just some unknown guy from Leigh, but now he’s had the chance to perform for millions of people.

It’s not “having a job” though is it?

Holly then decides to return to the dry well that is Aleks Josh’ emotional state and gets Danny to tell him that he’s got a GREAT CAREER in the music indsutry ahead of him right?

RIGHT?

RIGHT?

RIGHT?!

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21 thoughts on “The Voice – Episode 14 (Results : Team Jessie vs Team Danny Round 2)

  1. Carl

    The hair and makeup on this show is so gruesome that poor Holly actually looked like Mary Whitehouse.

    Thank you for trying to recap whatever the hell Jessie was saying to her team, because I still don’t understand it.

    It seemed like the show had eased up on the cult factor but that came roaring back with Toni and Max, perhaps because they’re the most cultish. Toni is the frenzied entertainment, busking on street corners. Max is the public face who goes around looking handsome and clean and getting press. Bo is the former inspiration who has now lost her faith and is kept hidden, emerging at important moments to look sad and talk about her back pain. Aleks is the oddly charismatic heir apparent who doesn’t quite know where he is. Becky is the force of nature who keeps trying to escape and finally overthrows them to form her own sect.

    I don’t know that much about Paloma Faith but her results show performance seemed random and sort of showed up everyone – she was declaring herself winner, like an heiress who decides to become a pop star. They may as well go home now.

    There was so much buzz about how Leanne had beaten Ruth in their duel, but it just seemed like the same singing-by-numbers to me.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Bo never talks about her pain. Others talk about Bo’s pain for her. Well Danny does any way.

      Paloma Faith is pretty much “I’M MAD ME!” incarnate but it kind of…works for her? I guess. More so with time anyway. I don’t really like her over much in any context other than reality tv results shows, which is a bit niche, but she does what she’s paid for and puts on a show, then goes away. Usually cackling like a Julie Walters character.

      Some people seem really anxious for Tyler to beat Jaz and really anxious for Leanne to beat Ruth. It’s just odd. I don’t really like any of them as singers, so I don’t have a strong opinion either way. Ruth probably comes closest to having a voice I want to listen to but she does such odd things with it.

      Reply
      1. Carl

        I can see where Leanne would have underdog appeal (although I don’t really find where she’s a different than a million out there – I think I liked her most the first week where she had to do that Pink song), but I don’t get it with Tyler. He’s been hyped from the start and treated with kid gloves by the judges for basically staggering around half-conscious and forcing through a falsetto. The pimping with Jaz is more blatant but that hurts as much as it helps.

        I like Ruth the most of the four because she reminds me a little of Joan Armatrading, but if she does the usual ballads I don’t want to hear it.

      2. Lesley

        Surely the greatest/funniest thing about Ruth’s victory would be the triumph of team Tom. He sleeps in his comfy chair all the way through the competition, only awaking when startled by a loud noise, and yet somehow manages to best the try-hards nonetheless. So sweet.

  2. Monaogg

    Perhaps it is Danny suffering from Bo’s bad back for her as he seems to have aged horrendously from the start of the series. Very pleased the public chose Bo in the vote as Aleks looked like he was expecting all his tweenies to win for him. :mwahahahah:

    Paloma Faith ~ Mad as a box of orange frogs in a entertaining way. 😀

    Reply
    1. Carl

      Maybe Bo is some sort of energy vampire – that would help me understand her getup on Saturday’s show.

      Reply
    2. monkseal Post author

      I think the live show lighting is a lot less flattering than it was for Blind Auditions/Battl eRounds for whatever reason. Even I can’t fathom how awful he looked during that group performance though. So random

      Reply
  3. Jenny

    Love your pic of them all looking depressed in the vroom, these segments are so painfully awkward, I guess they thought it would work like on Strictly with hams like Patsy happily gibbering about the amazing time they’ve had on the show – forgetting that they’re dealing with amateurs – and 17 year old mardy teens at that! Stupid Evil Moira Ross. All in all the results shows are pretty rubbish.

    Happy to hold my hands up & admit that I got it completely wrong about Max & Aleks – I was convinced Aleks would win the public vote and Max was doomed.

    Re Jaz – they have pimped him far too much to the extent that I’m utterly sick of him and much prefer Tyler now.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      How William absolutely mullered all his female artists the second the live shows started was a work of art. Tyler’s lucky that it was SO OTT with Jaz, because it’s not as though he’s been much less propped up.

      Reply
  4. Simon T

    Bless Holly for pretending that Aleks will have a career – she was like an eager Mum claiming that it didn’t matter AT ALL that he failed all his GCSEs, and he could still be a doctor if he wanted.

    The duets were rather horrifying, weren’t they? I started watching The Voice determined not to be cynical and you’ve RUINED IT ALL. (Although Steve, I love you for your I Know Him So Well ref.)

    Great recap, thanks for ruining my naive joy and replacing it with cynical joy!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Holly really should focus on her own career after this series, rather than concerning herself with other peoples. I guess she’s just selfless like that.

      Reply
  5. Lizzy

    A friend’s daughter actually put her hands over her ears when Ruth and Leanne were bellowing through their duet! It was horrendously loud and shouty. My friend had to turn the volume down!

    I think William’s team have done the best job when it comes to “team” performances. I know that’s not saying much (!) but on the whole I think his lot are much slicker than the others.

    I loved “Him from the Script’s” reaction when it was announced the public had saved Bo! He looked SO pissed! I am sure he thought Aleks would get through thanks to the tweeny vote. I think Aleks did too (LOL!!!) I felt it put HFTS in a difficult position because he then had to decide whether to go with his head (someone who might actually have a chance to win this wretched thing) or his heart / other part of his anatomy (Aleks!)

    I really liked the show to start with but I must admit it has lost it’s appeal pretty quickly. I don’t really like any of the contestants and I find I am now only tuning in to laugh at the show and play “spot the Monkseal moments” – i.e the bits I think will end up in your excellent and very funny recaps!!!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      The coaches always seem to look pissed off whoever gets saved. It’s almost as thought they want Holly to say “the public have saved…NO-ONE, PS we are now cancelled, I win, I am The Voice, TORVILLE AND MOTHERFUCKING DEEEEEEEEEEEEAN!”

      Reply
  6. Allgrownup

    William dancing like Urkel on the spinning chair ❤

    Did EvilMoiraRoss take Strictly's WarDrobe lady with her and let her have Holly as her pet project? And you thought Tess wore hellish outfits on the Strictly Results show? EEEEEKKKKK!!!! Poor Holly and her bosoms.

    Absolutely love the pic where Becky is daring Reg not to laugh at Toni proclaiming Jessie J to be the GREATEST SINGER IN THE WORLD. Hyperbole much Toni?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      The unseemly speed with which everyone rushes to lovebomb their coach as soon as they have to face being saved/ditched by them is so amazing. I can’t remember if people were like that last week. I hope so.

      Reply
      1. Allgrownup

        I think Joelle was a bit “Yeah whatevah I’m a gonner” but the rest were equally nauseating

      2. monkseal Post author

        Joelle was such a professional. I bet she’s done about 17 different singing reality show in about 5 different countries, never winning, but enjoying it every time. Then free to move on, because not one fucker’s going to recognise her. She seemed to act like a departing party clown, who’d done her job, and was happy to be away from the screaming kidses.

  7. teacherlady

    Had I not been misconcentrating when Toni said that and actually heard it then I think I would have imploded on the spot. MUST rewatch!

    Reply

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