Aleks learnt the truth at seventeen, lost to someone posher than the Queen, and a stage-school boy with a zit-piercing’d smile, who got all his fans on auto-dial.
Last night, the show was beseiged by forces of insanity outside of its control. Swearing, Evil William, mics that weren’t in, Jessie J’s hairdresser, a creepy harmonica player, someone suggesting a Maroon 5 song was less than amazing. So much carnage. What manifest psychosis could compare in this half hour show that’s mostly filler and recap? Oh, right, Paloma Faith’s performing, carry on.
DEEDLE-DEE DEEDLE-DEE THIS IS THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!
Here are your hosts
taking their inspiration from Madonna. I feel like going back in time and telling Mary Whitehouse that, 10 years after her death, someone would be presenting BBC1s flagship family entertainment show dressed like that. Imagine the look on her face. Holly tells us that the lines are now closed, and Reggie chips in to say that 8 artists entered this week’s show, but only 4 will carry on into next week’s semi finals. Whoever wins the public vote is automatically through, then the judges will decide from the other 3. Then Evil William will
UNLEASH HIS ROBOT ARMY, AND DESTROY THEM ALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Just in case you forgot, last week Tom had the ONEROUS task of eliminating Mooleen and that guy with a guitar who looked a bit like a dinosaur, leaving him with Ruth & Leanne. They are the VERY BEST of Team Tom. So in case you were missing them, they’re here to sing a duet. And because, if you’re a fan of Team Tom you’re a fan of shouting, they’re going to do a Florence & The Kitchen Sink song. Joy.
It is so sad that this is legitimately the best either of them have ever been styled. THIS. In both cases. Anyway, they’re singing “Shake It Out”, and it’s got the same problem as any duet with Ruth is going to have – her voice plays about as well with others as I imagine Becky did at nursery. (NO! BECKY’S FLINTSTONE PHONE! BECKY SMASH!) Also once again she gets bored halfway through and
just starts singing in a funny voice for no reason. Is it too much to expect someone to pick one accent per song and stick to it? Can you imagine if she’d been in Jessie J’s category? [Incidentally, from looking at those pictures above, I choose to believe they were singing ‘I Know Him So Well’ and no one can persuade me otherwise. – Steve]
Other than that it’s…
Next, it’s time to chat with the judges! Yay!
Jessie J looks especially keen! Reggie asks her if anyone can ever prepare an act for the sort of brutal rejection that happens on this stage every Satu…Sunday night? Jessie says that she can’t, no, because all the show’s budget went on the swivel chairs, so they didn’t have any budget left for aftercare. If Becky and Aleks go all Bonnie & Clyde on everyone, it’s Evil Moira Ross’ fault, she washes her hands of all responsibility. (She completely ignores answering the question in favour of waffling on about how she’s going to go with her heart so…I made my own answer up. Whatever.)
Tom is asked if seeing Ruth & Leanne has whet his appetite for the semi-final? Tom says it did.
That was merely a delicious hors d’oeuvre for the main course that is the Semi-Finals. I think my delicious hors d’oeuvre had a hair in it. Holly asks Will what we can expect from Jas & Tyler, and William replies that if they perform as well as “Fashion Obama” dresses, we’re in for a treat.
What a shame he’s stood next to the Fashion Michelle Bachman.
Backstage recap anyone?
Danny thinks Evil William was SO UNFAIR; nobody can find anything to say about Cassius so Jessie just goes “DING DING!” like the Playbus ; Bo is off getting her back seen to ; Aleks is off having a sulk ; Becky is quite excited about the thought of doing a duet with Danny ; David is possibly off with that girl he sang to, or at least a groupie wearing a mask with a picture of her face on ; everybody appreciates Toni’s passion, but they’d like it even more if she got out of the way of the bloody Stage Door.
Especially as I would imagine the backstage crew were…quite busy last night. Might explain the lack of backstage footage, probably because most of it involved Evil Moira Ross assaulting anybody who got in her way.
Back to the stage now, and time to find out who from Team Jessie got the most viewer votes. It’s
VINCE! He, Becky and Toni all have a massive
hug and mutual appreciation fest replete with “I LOVE YOU!”s. Cassius is…off somewhere else. Maybe he’s taking his last opportunity to get in Holly’s cleavage. We have to take these moments whilst we can. Vince jogs off, and Holly tells Cassius, Toni and Becky that they’ll just have to wait for Jessie’s decision later. Holly then turns to Jessie and tells her that she seems to be the calmest when it comes to making these decisions. I wish someone had cut to a recap of Tom icing Buttery Biscuit Base like a mafia hitman then.
Anyway, Jessie waffles about how it makes her happy just to be in the position of having three amazing artists to choose from in the first place. And all so different! Notice she was not saying this when she had to choose between Toni and Ruth-Ann St-Luce.
KERRAZY PALOMA FAITH! I have to admit, I was never a huge fan before I found out how
absolutely hat-stand she is. I’m surprised she even turned up after slagging the show off extensively in the press for editing her out and claiming she was friends with Danny when she’d never even met the man. Anyway, it’s Paloma Faith so it’s very vintage-shop and overblown, but I’ll take someone who can sing over the double threat of Kylie/Cheryl that’s bearing down on us next week. The song appears to be about how poor faithful Paloma is left picking up the pieces of her oblivious beau’s life, as he pines for a lost love and fails to see that the one he really needs is right there by his side.
I WONDER WHY!
Also, nice work on re-using that Christmas table decoration for your hair. Real can-do spirit in these Troubled Times. Towards the end a confetti-cannon
goes off an shows her with ticker-tape. It’s all very X Factor Winners Single, if X Factor Winner Singles were good and not tacky mid-tempo retreads of dreary overplayed Sacred Indie Cows. Or whatever Joe did.
All the best to Paloma, and a vain hope this accelerates Cerys Matthews being allowed to perform. Come on, you’ve let two of the mentors pimp their wares. Why not CERYS? You can skip Carmen Sandiego if you want. End of song sad-face?
There we go.
a filler video of the judges pulling funny faces. No really. Flagship stuff this.
Ahem. Now it’s time to find out who the public have saved from Team Danny. The tension is so high for Danny that he appears to have
fallen asleep. I know Danny, I know. Only two more weeks to go though. Anyway, the member of Team Danny that the public love best is
Bo. Everyone gives her many hugs, although Aleks already
appears to have a bit of a cob on. (No, not that Danny, sorry. Listen more carefully next time)
Holly asks Danny if he’s surprised, and he says he’s not – Bo gave one of the better performances of the night. It’s now up to Danny to decide which of the three guys in front of him who he feels he could most help have a long career in the music industry, as a roadie for The Script. It’s not easy. Max knows the biz, David’s burly and Aleks has…fringe benefits. SUCH A HARD CHOICE HOLLY!
TO THE VAGINA ROOM!
What a cheery bunch of people. By which I’m mostly referring to Aleks obviously. Reggie asks Cassius if there’s more to hear from him, and he replies that there definitely is. It’s so frustrating, because he knows there’s so much more that he can achieve. One day, he will get his nose RIGHT in the crack, but it won’t touch anything, so Holly can’t complain. It’s a delicate operation, but he thinks he can do it. Becky also says that she has SO MUCH MORE TO SHOW PEOPLE. [So many curse words she’s not had time to say yet! – Steve] The camera
bizarrely cuts to David as she’s saying this. Probably because he’s looking quite teary, but I’d like to think it might be because Becky is that one Special Lady he was singing to. What a fine couple they’d make.
Reggie next asks Toni what it means to move Jessie J to tears. Toni replies that the reason she got into music was to connect to people via her singing, so to move THE GREATEST SINGER IN THE WORLD to tears means so much to her.
Becky is just DARING Reggie not to laugh at that isn’t she? Daring him. Don’t worry though it’s about to get worse.
Max Milner is about to say that making Danny proud MEANS THE WORLD to him. When Danny’s proud of him, he feel proud of himself. Do you know how that feels Reggie?
Bloody hell, I haven’t seen sucking up this blatant outside of the interview rounds on The Apprentice. Max closes by saying that Danny’s pride is the only thing giving him the push and the drive to even carry on living.
Well he doesn’t actually say “living”, but the implication is there. Aleks refuses to speak in favour of looking sulky, and then David says he wouldn’t change a thing. Good lord that whole segment was overwrought.
Now it’s time to cut two people from Team Jessie, so it’s time for a quick recap of their performances from last Night, so they’ve got time to get them all out on stage.
Here they are! Jessie tells Cassius that he’s got a unique tone, and he really tried to relax on Saturday, but she’s not sure he let go enough. She tells Becky that her energy and her stage presence is really exciting, and she’s willing to learn from everything Jessie tells her. She closes by telling Toni that she struggles to coach her, because her singing and the way she “says words” is perfect already. Having said all that, she’s taking through
BECKY! On the grounds that there’s still room to coach her into greatness. [And on the grounds that I’ve not recapped her since the auditions and it’s MY TURN NOW DAMMIT. – Steve] Sadly, Becky does not swear at this announcement. Boo. That’s the only reason I would have even done it, myself. (Not really : Becky <3) Everyone hugs her…slightly less enthusiastically than they hugged Vince.
Jessie comes up on stage to join her losers, and Holly tells Toni that she must have learnt so much from Jessie J. Toni says that she
certainly has. I briefly hope she follows that up with “how to be a SNAKEY BITCH! BECKY? BECKY?! SHE SWORE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!”. Sadly she just says that it’s been a dream to be here and that she wanted it to continue into the semis, but Becky and Vince are both awesome, and they deserve it. She sounds so sincere. Holly asks Cassius if he’s enjoyed being part of The Voice, and he replies that he has
Two parts of it in particular.
Next up? It’s time for the duet from Team William. What, they’re re-airing last week’s “group performance”? No, it’s a whole NEW opportunity for Jas and Tyler to hog the limelight, as they both falsetto their way through “Roxanne”. Sadly not the “Moulin Rouge” version. To play them in
Danny plays a little invisible piano. What an ARTIST.
Jas is kind of nasal, Tyler’s falsetto still falls somewhere between Vince’s and David’s, quality wise, William
still gets up on the chair and does a little dance. It’s a very Team William performance. Both Jas and Tyler’s faces appear on a customary video-wall, but sadly they are not gazing soulfully at one another like Jaz and the Jaz-Wife. FOR SHAME.
Time to find out who’s leaving from Team Danny now.
Danny tells Max that he writes his own songs, plays the guitar, and really takes chances in his performances (LIKE THE LOO PEDAL!). He tells Aleks that he sees him selling a lot of records and also that he’s “wise beyond his years” (he says as Aleks is standing
staring at his feet and pouting because he’s about to lose a game show). He tells David that he sees a lot of himself in him (!) but he’s going to base his decision on who he can see opening up for The Script (!!), and that’s
MAX! He’s so touched! Everyone hugs him off, and Holly asks Aleks if he’s fine.
He mutters “yeah”, and then his bottom lip wobbles around all over the place. Such a woobie. Holly asks David what he’ll take away from this competition, and he says a few months ago he was just some unknown guy from Leigh, but now he’s had the chance to perform for millions of people.
It’s not “having a job” though is it?
Holly then decides to return to the dry well that is Aleks Josh’ emotional state and gets Danny to tell him that he’s got a GREAT CAREER in the music indsutry ahead of him right?