IT’S LIVE TV!
Last week on The Voice : William reached that stage of being a 17 year old girl where you ignore all other females totally and spend all your time trying to hang out with the guys, wearing too tight clothing. It was kind of tragic, but if he has to get it out of his system then FINE. Meanwhile every single contestant had a complete nervous breakdown on stage, culminating in Ruth running round dressed like Pat Butcher speaking in tongues like a deleted scene from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. You’d think this would have made the show fun, but instead it was a bit like sitting down and having a bunch of people scream their boring dreams in your face. Who cared that Jaz’s child has a confirmed penis? Not me. Fortunately this week, the entire show has a nervous breakdown, and it is AMAZING.
It begins with Danny
semi-slurring that the show is the “King Kong of Sing Songs”. In that is a bloated curio dragged in from a mysterious foreign land(/Holland), which is now plummeting rapidly to Earth with a screaming woman clenched tightly in its fists, then yes, yes it very much is. Holly chatters to us all that this week, Team Jessie and Team Danny will all sing once each, and additionally be joined on stage by their judges for two “unique” group numbers. And for once in reality tv, that use of the word “unique” is accurate (as opposed to its usual use – “sounding a bit like her from The Cranberries”), as…these things are never going to happen again. Anywhere. Ever. Or anything like them. Jessie promises that it’s going to be
“explosive”. She appears to be finding disturbing levels of inner peace being at the centre of this explosion. Like, suicide bomber levels. Maybe Evil Moira Ross has promised her many virgins if she self-immolates(/dresses like a 90s Minnie Mouse hooker, which really amounts to the same thing) on national tv?
Diddle-dee, piddle-dee, this is THE SHOUT.
To the stage, and for anyone who felt bereft last Results Show when Holly put her Mitchell Brothers away, for a whole half-hour
rest assured that they are back down her Queen Vic, and ready for action. One day we might even get to see her Peggy. Depends how the ratings go. Anyway, it’s time to introduce our judges
Old Man Steptoe,
Santorum Jones (Reggie tells us that if you look up “legend” on wikipedia then Tom’s face appears. And for once when people make that joke, it’s actually true. He’s the one in the middle. Painted from life, a long time ago),
a background character from Austin Powers : Goldmember – I dunno, a Swedish go-go dancer called Lykke Johpennes or something CLEVER like that, and
the Road Warriors’ gay cousin. OH, WHAT A RUSH!
(Sidebar : I know some people who went to last week’s live show, and apparently their one over-riding memory of the event was the constant stream of SEXUAL FILTH being screamed at Danny, constantly, during contestants performances and everything. I have new found pity for him. I think.)
Jessie J’s hair, oh my God, Jessie J’s hair).
Reggie explains how the show works – in each team, everyone will sing for our votes. Then the one who is most loved by the Great Unwashed will be automatically in the semis, and the judges will choose one out of the other three to string along for a bit longer, with no chance of winning. (SPOILERS : this turns out to be Becky and Max, who are my two favourite people in the entire show by two light-years each, so please don’t take this as a complaint. More an observation.). So let’s get on with the show.
OK, it turns out that, after they were the only even remotely listenable bit of last week’s show, one of the group performances has been shuffled to the front of the show to entice people in. Holly asks Jessie how she feels about being only moments away from performing with her group. She says she’s SO EXCITED. SHE CAN’T WAIT!
Reggie lies to Danny that his artists can’t afford to be anything less than spectacular, and Danny replies that his nerves are
as solid as a rock on this matter. The only other thing that will be described as “solid as a rock” all evening is Bo, a woman constructed entirely out of tofu so…make your own mind up.
To the VAGINA ROOM! Reggie tells us that the Vagina Room is where you can get in touch with the show directly. Just tweet banal fawning bollocks at them, that could have been written by anyone, and it’ll zip past in half an hour, shooting through one side of Aleks’ head and out the other, like every single word said to him by someone he doesn’t want to shag.
As suggested earlier, it’s Team Jessie’s Omnishambles first, so let’s find out “how they cope as a group”. In the high-pressure environment of
Karaoke Bowling. Apparently bowling is “Jessie’s secret little thing that she likes to do”. How lucky that it’s something tv friendly and not…say…jigsaws, or collecting different types of banana-sticker. Jessie J thinks it’s really important for the teams to bond outside of the work environment, so this Comedy VT is definitely artistically justified, from a competitive point of view. Let’s see how she justifies it next week when Vince Hood has to save Maid Becky from the evil clutches of the Sheriff of Will.i.ham. We get a brief run-down of how all of Jessie J’s team perform at bowling. Vince is
more interested in playing to the camera than bowling (and who can blame him) and finishes last. He’s also one of those people who just dumps their bowling bowl onto the floor rather than rolling it, which I’m sure the owners of karaoke bowling were VERY PLEASED ABOUT. (Toni gasps “oh my God” in the background to this act like she’s watching a velociraptor murder a stegosaurus in Jurassic Park. I don’t think this “team bonding” thing is really working out for Toni.)
Becky does quite well initially but then…
Becky Issues arise, as usual. I think we all know that they only place you’d find Becky with regards to a bowling alley is hanging round the car-park outside swigging from a bottle of JD, waiting for her friends to get back from the McDonalds Drive-thru. Toni sucks at bowling, clearly hates every second, and sighs that she’s really more of a Scrabble girl.
Can you imagine if they’d tried to get Becky to sit down and play Scrabble? I need a lie down just thinking about it. There’d be a lot of swear words on that board. (“I CAN’T DO WORDS! BECKY SMASH!” *lodges K up Cassius’ nose and bounces tile-rack off ceiling*)
Cassius takes it seriously and wins and is as boring as ever doing so,
let’s get to the train-wreck already.
To the stage and
does anyone expect Holly’s belt to start talking to them, like Ebenezer Scrooge’s front door from A Christmas Carol? It’d probably make more sense. Anyway, enough about Holly’s haunted knockers (ah thang yew), it’s time for
Jessie J to throw a hiss fit on live tv because her mic’s not in. She demands that they start the whole thing again, on the grounds that she really wants to make this whole experience perfect for the people at home, and this is live tv, and hey THIS IS HOW TEAM JESSIE DOES IT! [Ineptly? – Steve]
As Jessie protests that there’s nothing in her ears (…) to some poor stage-hand, we drift back to Holly just standing there gormlessly, rolling onwards. I would be impressed with how Holly handled a complete mess on live tv, but to be fair I think you could actually stab Holly Willougby and it wouldn’t slow her down in the slightest. Short of decapitation I don’t think there’s any way you could – truly she is a steamroller of live tv.
Anyway, eventually Jessie J’s mic is sorted out, and she can hear her levels (POOR JEMINI NEVER GOT THIS OPPORTUNITY! JUSTICE FOR JEMINI!) and the performance started again. Given the actual performance, I bet Jessie J was just wishing she could plough on without hearing any of it from about 10 seconds in.
They’re doing “We Are Young” by the Fun Dots, and the idea conceptually is that Team Jessie are walking to stage, showing off the camaraderie and chemistry they developed during karaoke bowling
Isn’t it beautiful? Toni in particular shrugs Becky’s hand off like it’s diseased. Then they all get to the stage and flatly drone the rest of the song whilst Jessie yells “WOO! YEAH! TEAM JESSIE!” over the top of them. So very worth waiting for.
That having eaten nicely into the show’s running time, it’s time for our first performer of the evening, which is…
AGAIN? Ah well, at least it won’t be difficult for him to follow that up. We are reminded that two weeks ago, Max did “Free Fallin'” and wound up in the Bottom Two. Danny says in VT that he thought Max Milner’s performance of the song was flawless because he “came out and did Max Milner”. I’m sure the only way the performance could have been improved for Danny was if Aleks came out and did Max Milner, whilst Danny got it all on tape.
WHAT? IN THE SENSE THAT ALEKS WOULD HAVE BEEN BROADENING HIS RANGE OF STYLES! WHAT? Filthy minds the lot of you.
Max says he always expected to be in the Bottom Two, so it didn’t bother him.
Yeah, looked like it. Danny explains why he chose to save Max over Hannah – he’s a one man band (ie, he plays the guitar) and it’d be a shame for the competition to lose someone so talented so early on. Unlike Hannah, who was only sort of talented, and didn’t play the guitar. THANKS DANNY!
In rehearsals we learn that Max is performing “Black Horse And The Cherry Tree”, which apparently requires the use of a
Loo Pedal. Danny lies that it’s a piece of technical equipment that allows you to loop sounds you’ve made over and over again without actually having to repeat them, but I bet it’s just in case he poos himself or something. Max interviews that he’s scared, because he’s never used a Loo Pedal before.
Oh so he’s one of THOSE people is he? I bet he leaves soap all over the edge of the sink as well. That is if he even uses soap. If he even WASHES HIS HANDS. Danny tells Max that unless he can master the Loo Pedal, he’s going to go off the deep end and wind up with two-and-a-half minutes of tv he wishes he hadn’t done. Maybe Max could ask Jessie for her insights on this. She’s clocking up on three months of tv she wishes she hadn’t done now.
Anyway, Max’s adventure with the Loo Pedal can’t fill up an entire VT on its own, so it’s bulked up a bit with Max going back and performing to his old “theatre company”.
Hey, don’t knock it, it’s a bigger audience than half these contestants will ever perform to again. Oh and
here’s Max’s sister, who he loves very much. Sadly not enough to get her face on a Video Wall behind him, riding around on a horse, as she’s spotlit in the audience, but then we can’t all be PIMP-SLOT JAZ CAN WE?
Out to the stage now and
oh good, the hat’s back. You know, whatever the problem was two weeks ago, I don’t think it was the lack of hat. Max starts off by deftly handling the Loo Pedal like an expert, see? Nothing to worry about. Still it doesn’t stop Danny from hooting like
Danny just started juggling firesticks on stage. What’s far more of an obstacle, and which wasn’t highlighted in the VT, is that half an Ed Sheeran has been inserted right up the middle of the song for no reason at all, too low for Max to sing, causing him to once again
start hopping round the stage like a Total Baldwin. Fortunately once it’s over it seems to unlock something in his head, because he hits the end of “Black Horse And The Cherry Tree” much harder and with more confidence than he did the beginning. All in all, it’s not a bad performance, but the Ed Sheeran was a mistake. But isn’t it always?
Once he’s done, Holly wanders over and Max does
something involving her knickers that sadly the cameras miss in favour of following Jessie J nattering to an audience member, FOR SHAME. Holly congratulates him for taking a risk on stage with his Loo Pedal, and Max just smirks and says he thinks that it was “quite him”. Hey Danny, for extra points, look as INSINCERE AS POSSIBLE!
Huzzah! 10 points to Ravenclaw! Yes, he’s standing up again, and he explains that this time it’s because it get something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done before. In the case of many things Danny, like crabs, that’s not entirely true. Well done for coming out and SMASHING IT.
Danny can’t WAIT to see what the other judges have to say about that! William
thinks it sucked, because the song selection was stupid. Yay! To be fair, we should have caught the hint that EVIL WILLIAM had turned up this week from the black outfit. The audience boo
as does Danny. Oh, it begins. William apologises for keeping it real. Danny asks William what HE would have had Max sing, and William replies “not that”. Jessie pleads for calm and tells the audience “we don’t boo here”, conveniently enough, because she’s about to agree with Evil William. Well done on your Loo Pedal and playing the guitar, but this was too similar to somebody who’s already out there doing “this” very well. Whatever Jessie J, Ed Sheeran aint never used no Loo Pedal. William breaks back in to say that Max has been on a downward slope since the Blind Auditions and also his HOMEBOY TYLER USED A VIDEO WALL LIKE THAT LAST WEEK, GET OUTTA HERE SON!
Evil William is kind of rude, and also in no way producer mandated. We close with Tom saying that Max entertained him, and Max mouthing “thank you!” all Dr Hamela Prayer-Hands again. Well done on using the Loo Pedal.
Next up for Team Jessie it’s…
originally it was going to be Toni, but after the opening “IT’S LIVE TV!” chaos they’ve had to wheel out ol’ Human Mogadon here, because if Becky gets any more over-stimulated she’s going to tear a Condom Machine out of its fixtures and smash a window with it. Cassius tells us that he loved the experience of his first live show but he wasn’t entirely happy with his vocal. Still, he’s happy that Jessie J really GETS him as an artist and really has a great idea about what his future potenzzzzzz…sorry, dozed off a little there.
Turns out that Jessie J “gets” Cassius so well that she thinks the most natural path for him moving forwards is an Adele song. Yeah, that’ll make him seem less dull. Cassius blands his way through the song (“Turning Tables”), until Jessie loses her temper and flaps at him and tells him to loosen up, because as it is, he’s standing there like the Michelin Man.
Yes, it’s uncanny. She tells us that Cassius is really tense and uptight, and it stops his voice coming out smoothly. He just needs to relax, let go and let everything come out. And then use the Loo Pedal. Cassius again interviews that Jessie J knows him so well, and can see that there’s something within him holding back from performing to his full potential (tweedle-dee, tweedle-dee, THIS IS THE SHRINK!). Once again this is immediately undercut by Jessie encouraging him to
flap around like a chicken trying to take and
do a Comedy VT. Such a great coach. Adele closes by saying that, whatever happens with Cassius tonight, whether he stays in or not, she wants him to go out and give a truly unforgettable performance.
LOL. I forgot this before it even happened. It’s total aural sludge. It feels like I’m being enveloped by it rather than listening to it. It’s the musical equivalent of The Thing. It’s deadening, it’s numbing, it’s MOR Hell, it’s ADELE.
He sounds super-pinched, and the performance is so life-less that I don’t even notice that the plinth he’s standing on throughout is rotating until the very end. I think he’s conspiring to move his legs to make even this movement as discrete as possible. Oh Cassius. Put that hoodie back up, this whole “Radio 2 drivetime” thing hasn’t worked.
Holly comes out and tells Cassius that he just came out fighting, as Jessie J’s shadow
conspires ever more to resemble Winnie The Pooh, and Cassius’ head begins its usual
struggle against the current of Holly’s cleavage. THERE IS NO ESCAPE CASSIUS! JUST RELAX AND LET IT ALL COME OUT. Jessie starts by congratulating herself on being so honest with her team about their strengths and weaknesses (*cough*RUTH-ANN*cough*) and giving them constructive criticism. This week she told Cassius not to be so tense, and he wasn’t. He so was, but ok. She tells him she could have done with him singing out to the audience a bit more, but other than that, she was so proud of him. Cassius says he hopes that his parents are so proud of what he’s become as well
Holly’s ethnic third boob, introduced by the Diversity Department at the BBC to fill a quota.
Tom follows by saying that he’s always thought Cassius was great, and he’s only going from strength to strength. He took a really well-known song, and made it his own. Is it really that well-known, other than it’s a small part of the cultural miasma that is Adele? I only know it because it was used on So You Think You Can Dance UK Series 2, and let’s face it, NOBODY else watched that. [Gwyneth Paltrow sang it on Glee, back when people still watched Glee. – Steve]
He also tells Cassius not to worry about walking out and facing the audience on that plinth, because Tom knows how it feels to have trouble with stairs. He’s had a lift installed. Danny follows by calling it pitchy and saying that he should have moved off the plinth. He doesn’t think it’s strong enough for Cassius to move forwards in the competition. Sadly, Danny’s critique is mildly undercut by the fact that
his hands are under Holly’s Booby Spell throughout. Everybody wants a piece. (Isn’t it great that the week they’ve actually decided to start criticising people ISN’T A Team Tom week? Nothing else would have got done).
Evil William closes by saying that Cassius is his own personal favourite of Team Jessie, and the music world needs someone with his…well, not swag, because Evil William feels that that’s a word that people overuse…hmm, what’s a word that isn’t totally overused to describe Cassius…hmmm…oh yeah, Cassius is
Next up, from Team Danny it’s
BO. What is she like, eh? (*giggles*) We’re reminded that two weeks ago, Bo sang “Running Up That Hill” in the jungle for some reason. Danny says that the one thing that really summed up Bo’s performance is Kate Bush herself left an open letter on her website saying that she liked it. Also could someone tell her who went home on The Apprentice, because she missed it. She hopes it wasn’t Gabrielle. She really likes that Gabrielle. Bo gushes that she’s so happy that Kate Bush really liked her performance, because she would never have expected it. No, me either. Bo’s really proud of herself for getting through that Very Emotional Song without wobbling. Unfortunately for her, this week Danny’s going to have her performing her song on a giant bouncy castle.
Not really, it’s a video screen of a bouncy castle. Anything else would impede her artistry.
In rehearsals, Danny tells Bo that he’s going to be taking a different tack with her this week. In previous weeks she’s had songs where she’s had to show her vulnerability, and be blown around the stage on an emo torrent. Not this week though.
She’s going to sing that Rihanna song about being the victim of domestic violence. Yeah! What a change-up! Bo tries to make out that the difference to her previous performances is that the artist here is really STRONG. Yeah, see Kate Bush? That’s what you get for going to the trouble of writing a letter. Danny gets
all up in Bo’s face, telling her to sing the song with PASSION and FIRE, like a WARRIOR, but I think we all know that Bo is going to do it like she always does – Princess Di with menstrual cramps.
She whitters on about being a rock and showing her FEIST. So what, is she doing “My Moon, My Man” now? I’m so lost.
Danny says that Bo’s incredibly talented, but he’s always surprised by how nervous she gets every week before a performance. Yeah, you’d think with a sick mum and a bad back they wouldn’t have to resort to padding her VTs out with “OOOH ME NERVTH!” but apparently they do.
To the stage now, and Bo’s obligatory Video-Wall is of
a giant hourglass, pouring out sand from its top bulb that at the beginning looks rather uncomfortably like someone’s peeing on Bo’s head. These bohemians eh? In aid of getting Bo to come out and perform like a WARRIOR,
Danny has dressed her up like a Villain Of The Week from Xena : Warrior Princess. But even more Sapphic. As a performance it’s actually pretty strong, although the top end of her yelps is a little bit thinner than usual. I have a very soft spot for “Love The Way You Lie” [eh, it’s no ‘Man Down’. Bo clearly likes singing in an affected accent; why not try Bajan? – Steve], and whilst this isn’t quite the Rihanna original for me (now there’s a phrase I never envisioned saying), it’s a creditable job. And hey
she came out and did angry, sort of, and I guess that was the aim. About two-thirds of the way through the hourglass
EXPLODES, which is pretty epicmazing, especially as it looks a bit like Bo shattered it with a high-pitched fart.
Danny’s pleased anyway. Either that or cramp’s finally set in in his jaw from all that yapping. Holly comes out and tells Bo that she was really strong out there tonight and truly was the rock she wanted to be. Of course Bo is crying throughout this bit like a toddler that just dropped its ice-cream.
Danny tells Bo that he LOVED THE WAY SHE LIED, LOVED THE WAY SHE SANG, LOVED THE WAY SHE LOOKED, LOVED THE WAY SHE…moved around the stage and stuff. She’s one of the most marketable people in the whole competition. (tweedle-dee tweedle-dee, THIS IS THE MARKETABILITY!). She’s got a great ethos, and she sings from her heart. Oh and she had a bad back all week, and came out and gave THAT PERFORMANCE.
follows and says that Bo reminds him of all the groups he likes, like The Cranberries and…erm…anyway, he loved the way she sang that Skylar Grey song and made it her own. She even sang it better than Rihanna did! Wow! She supplanted Skylar Grey in the public’s consciousness AND out-sang Rihanna. Slow down with that faint praise William, you’re giving me whiplash. Real dope whiplash. With SWAG. He closes by saying “Bo? Woah”.
This causes Tom to sarcily snort to himself “wow…I wish I could rhyme like that”. Jessie J decides to bring it upon herself to bring this to the attention of the class, and obliviously coos “AW! TOM SAYS THAT HE WISHES HE COULD RHYME LIKE THAT!
WHAT RHYMES WITH POW!
Amazing. Tom Jones gets bored of staring blankly at Jessie, and just reels off “how now, brown cow?”. Lay off Tom, Bo’s fake-bake isn’t that bad. Jessie follows this…interlude by saying that she loves Bo’s voice, and looks forward to her performances every week. She’s definitely somebody who makes the whole competition very versatile. We close with Holly asking Tom what his thoughts are on nerves. Wait for it everyone.
“Nerves is part of being a human being. We all have nerves. Being nervous is not bad. Fear is bad”. Thanks Tom! Such wisdom. Still not enough to stop Evil William
tweeting throughout, but what can you do?
Next up from Team Jessie
it’s VINCE. He says that performing live for millions of people last week was the best feeling EVAH.
Well drink it in Vince, because at the rate viewers for this show are fleeing, it’ll only be tens of thousands by the time the finale rolls around. Jessie lies that two weeks ago Vince took an Elvis song, and did a performance of it that everybody loved. Mmmm hmmm.
Vince tells us that family means so much to him, especially if they help him win votes so
here are his adorable cousins, singing “Price Tag”, and doing a little dance. (Also, they live in a nice big house
Middle England, so don’t feel put off voting Vince for his outlandish style. He doesn’t live in a garbage can like Oscar The Grouch, DRINKING THE SMACK, like you might expect.). Vince tells them that it’s a shame they can’t be his backing dancers. Given that the smaller one
lobs a cushion directly at a camera-man, I’m guessing they’d fit better with Becky.
To the rehearsal room now, where we learn that Vince is doing a reggae version of a Whitney Houston song. You know, the one about the slaves.
Yeah, sure, why not? Vince says that he wants the whole song to have a carnival vibe, and to bring some heat to the coldest May that Britain’s had for 100 years. In rehearsal he worries that he might not be able to match up to Whitney Houston in terms of his vocal performance. She had one of the best voices ever, her range was phenomenal, and she could do mad runs. Yes, but you’re singing “My Love Is Your Love”. It’s hardly “One Moment In Time” is it? He’s still fretting in the rehearsal room as the performance looms
so Jessie J tells him to stop being scared of his voice, and have more confidence in its ability. The man is stood there doing a reggae version of a Whitney Housten song. If anything, he needs to be MORE scared of his voice. Like I am.
To the stage now, and the video wall is filled up with stacked speakers and Vince is
dressed very “Kevin & Perry Go Large”. Oh yes, the armpits are back. I notice his uncle & aunt don’t let him dress like that around his cousins. Quite right too. Also there are some
proper rude girls barking their way up the wrong tree at him throughout. Actually, ugly
white-boy reggae faces aside, I kind of loved this. The new arrangement makes a lot of sense of what is a really dull song, and vocally he’s doing pretty well to give it a reggae twist without turning into a self-parody (like he did last week). Sometimes his transitions out of the high notes he likes to sprinkle everywhere don’t go smoothly, but he’s otherwise pretty on point, and strong as well. It’s such a vibrant performance that
Jessie J bursts into The Birdie Song dance for no reason. Now that’s a POWERFUL rhythm.
Once it’s over, Holly wanders over and tells Vince that he really brought the sunshine into the studio, and Vince replies that yes, that was the aim. It’s been really cold recently, and he’s been finding it difficult to “bop a vest” in this weather. He then gives Holly a glance to indicate that he can see she must be feeling the effects of exposing flesh as well.
Jessie opens for the coaches by saying that what she really loves about Vince is that he has all his own ideas for each performance. The song, the arrangement, the staging, how everyone’s dressed. Basically he does everything, leaving Jessie more time to bin the show off to go and do karaoke bowling with Ana Matronic. Vince continues this mutual preening session by telling Jessie J that he loves her hair, and Jessie hoots that the ZIG-ZAG PARTING IS COMING BACK!
Evil William thinks not.
Tom follows by praising Vince’s capacity for re-arranging songs, and also for sounding like himself. And occasionally a kettle. Some of his performances do resemble that, yes. Tom doesn’t know if people know this, buy girls sing differently from men. They sing higher. Thanks Tom! His point apparently is that Vince’s range is so great that he could do a duet with a woman without compromising the key of the song. Or indeed a man. Or himself. Vince could even do a duet with himself! Yes Tom, his performances do resemble that quite often, in that “doing a duet with yourself” sounds a bit like a euphemism for masturbation. Danny follows by saying that he doesn’t think the reggae feel to the song will have connected with the audience at home.
Evil William closes by
openly tweeting instead of actually giving a critique. Totally without shame. Evil William’s so rude.
Now…TO THE VAGINA ROOM!
Reggie tells us all that “Minnie Mouse” is trending online, which Reggie is sure is NOTHING to do with Jessie’s hair. It is in fact to do with Vince’s high notes. First to be questioned is Max, and he’s asked how he feels about his use of the Loo Pedal. Max says that he was spooked by being in the Bottom 2 two weeks ago, and he wanted to tick as many boxes as possible this week. Is “Loo Pedal” really a box people need ticking?
Cassius is next, and Reggie asks him if he felt sick on that spinning plinth, to which Cassius replies that he wasn’t. He was really enjoying the performance and blah blah blah blah zzzzz. Fortunately, Reggie is here to bring us all back to life by referencing how Cassius is the perfect height to stare at Holly’s boobs, guilt-free.
Reggie asks Bo if she’s ready to start dry-humping David in Team Danny’s group-performance later, because apparently they get up close and personal and it might be a bit of a “moment”. One that will be over-shadowed by…everything else that’s going to happen admittedly. Bo says that she is READY FOR DAVID’S LOVE. Finally, Vince wanders in and Reggie asks him, after Madonna, Elvis Presley and Whitney Houston, which Musical Icon is Vince going to violate the corpse of next? Vince promises that next up is a
Beethoven-Mozart mash-up. Can you imagine Vince doing Beethoven? DUNN DUNN DUNN DURRRRRRRRN (*ugh, yeah, ugh*) DUNN DUNN DUNN DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN WOAH WOOO *squeal*.
Next up, it’s Team Danny and
ALEKS! He’s so SHY. Aleks starts by talking about his performance from two weeks ago, saying he doesn’t remember any of it.
Crack is wack kids. Just say no. He says it was like a big dream, and he only woke up when the judges started talking. Odd, for me it’s exactly the opposite. Also, I don’t know how he got away with saying “judges” there without Jessie J barging in yelling “EXCUSE ME ALEKS, I’M A COACH, I’M NOT A JUDGE, I DON’T SIT IN JUDGMENT ON ANYONE, I’M HERE TO HELP PEOPLE GROW AND DEVELOP AS ARTISTS” over the top of him. Charmed life that boy
We cut back to two weeks ago, and Aleks leers at the camera and says he’s just off to see his fans
God, you let One Direction leave the country or five minutes then this happens. IT’S LIKE BEATLEMANIA! Aleks family appear to say that he’s had lots of marriage proposals and…other proposals. And some of them weren’t even from Danny. Aleks shakes his head over the fact all these girls want him to sign things. Just you wait til you find out that one of them was Evil Moira Ross and you just signed your soul away. She’s going to lock you away in her salt mines, training for 24 hours a day until you become the new Strictly Bad Boy to replace Brendan Cole.
Rehearsals now, and Danny says that this week with Aleks was “interesting”. “Interesting” being used in the sense that if often is with…creative types. Danny suggested doing a Big Band version of “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” and Aleks had a minor paddy and said that he thinks his “target audience” would prefer him to do Jack Johnson. Then Danny said
my penis knows what it wants Aleks, believe me on that one. Then Aleks threatened to report Danny to Human Resources again so Danny had to let him do the stupid Jack Johnson song, but believe him, he is NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS. Aleks tells us that he chose Jack Johnson because the song
brings a smile to his face, and God knows based on this weekend it takes forces beyond human comprehension to do that. So why not?
Danny tells us that, having thought about it, Jack Johnson is right down Aleks’ alley. You can tell he’s jealous. What does this Jack Johnson have that he doesn’t have? HE’S IN THE SCRIPT, BITCH! Is it weed? Is that what it is? Danny O’Dononhugh can score you some major weed kid, just stick wit’ him. Aleks for his part seems to know that he’s messed up, because he gets very squirelly about really needing the public’s vote this week. Like, really needing it, because he doesn’t want to be in the position where Danny can get rid of him.
Gosh, someone doesn’t like his decisions being questioned does he? What happened to COLLABORATING with ARTISTS?
To the stage and
jeez, this makes Cassius’ performance look like The Avengers. Becky must REALLY need tranquilising before they let her back out of the cage. Aleks mumbles his way through “Better Together” and as ever, the 27 year old Canadian he’s stolen his voice from has quite a nice tone, but really I need more from a performance than melodious burbling whilst swaying your crotch around like you’re trying to catch sea trout from a line hanging from your bell-end. I actually like it a fair bit more than his last attempt, but I preferred Aleks when he…did stuff, rather than giving the artistic equivalent of a Radox bath and a lazy wank. I did feel somewhat what the over-protective fan-girl apparently feel towards him this week though
as I badly wanted to warn him about that creepy guy following him around in the shadows. I mean, that’s just unnerving, and he doesn’t even need to pull Puss In Boots face for me to feel concerned for his well-being.
Anyway, Aleks can rest easy that, squabbling or not
he can still get Danny up. NOW LET’S NEVER FIGHT AGAIN! Holly screams “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR ALEKS!”. I doubt some of them need telling twice. Holly asks Aleks who he’s singing about when he’s singing that song. Aleks replies “HOLLY!”. I think we all know which parts. Danny starts by asking if we can
HEAR THAT? APPARENTLY IT’S THE SOUND OF THE HEARTS OF EVERYONE IN THE UK BREAKING RIGHT THERE! Is it because he just decided to send Aleks home because he doesn’t like how he was playing flirty bum-wiggle with someone else on stage for the SECOND WEEK IN A ROW. (Given the positive response last time, I’m surprised the harmonica player wasn’t Pamela Anderson in full Baywatch gear). DANNY’S THE ONLY MAN YOU NEED KID, GET A GRIP! Anyway, Danny carries on, saying that what he likes about Aleks is that he knows what he’s good at (*eyebrow*), and all the market research he’s done online to find out what his fanbase want.
Oh Danny, a 17 year old boy on the Internet is not doing “market research”. You’ve been lied to man.
Evil William follows saying that he likes Aleks’ style, you know,
how he stuffs his hands in his pockets and whisper-mumbles everything and plays doe-eyes to the camera. Yeah, he really likes that, but after the fifth time it gets really boring. Danny should be making him do different things, not just the same old schtick over and over again. Danny protests that it’s really hard to push Aleks because he’s ONLY 17, and Evil Williams gives amazing
“bitch plz” face. He had many 17 year olds in his category that he pushed…under a bus being driven by Jas’ heavily pregnant wife. Danny carries on protesting that Aleks isn’t a strong singer. Oh well, that’s alright then. He’s got a strong tone, and a strong
woobie-face, that’s all that matters. Apparently Aleks has made a promise to Danny that if they get past this stage then they’ll start experimenting.
No, really. That’s what he said. Sometimes I regret scraping so hard for jokes when sometimes they just exist.
Aleks pipes up to say that he didn’t feel like his last two songs represented who he really was, so he just wanted to show people what he’s about. Evil William says that’s cool, so long as he actually IS Jack Johnson, because that’s all that was. Danny protests that JACK JOHNSON DIDN’T USE A HARMONICA ON THAT TRACK, and then Jessie busts in to very sternly say
“This show is called The Voice, not The Harmonica”
What I would not give for a shot of Tom Jones reading a magazine now. Maybe getting his hair done.
Evil William closes by saying that he would have done things with Aleks very differently if he was on his team, then pulls the MOST Evil William face of the entire episode.
Jessie J follows up by calling it boring and saying she just found herself nodding her head, waiting for the performance to start. Aleks then looks like he might respond so Jessie starts yellnig that she is GIVING HIM CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, AS A COACH, AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO BE HERE IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO. SHE’S TELLING HIM BECAUSE SHE CARES! SHE CAN SIT HERE ALL DAY IF SHE WANTS TO! IT’S HIS TIME HE’S WASTING, NOT HERS! HE’S LET HER DOWN, HE’S LET DANNY DOWN, HE’S LET THE WHOLE SCHOOL DOWN, BUT WORST OF ALL HE’S LET HIMSELF DOWN! She closes by telling him that’s being honest, just like the music industry (HA!) and that she would have made him sing Lady Gaga.
Tom closes by saying that when he was 17, he wanted to set the world on fire, not produce boring safe rubbish like that.
Damn, someone got cranky waiting for his turn. Also I think, like all old people, Tom is confusing his youth for something he heard about half an hour ago. At 17, when he was young, he wanted to set the world on fire, burn brighter than the sun, so if by the time the bar closes, you feel like falling down, he’ll carry you home to…hang on, where is he again? Isn’t there a Night Bus you can catch instead? Eh?
Aleks gets one last chance to plead his case, and says that there are so many big powerhouse performers in this competition who give really Over The Top performances, that he just wanted to give people something more chilled and relaxed. Speaking of which, next up…
Becky tells us that she’s very proud of how she did two weeks ago, because she didn’t fall down the stairs or nutt anyone or anything. At the end though, Tom Jones said that she reminded him of Janice Jopler and she’s a right old slag who let John Nelson finger her through her tights so she was WELL pissed off and was going to BECKY SMASH him but then Holly told her that apparently it’s a different Janice Jopler who Tom did a duet with once so that’s all good.
She thinks it might be one of The Muppets. She saw the movie of that that they just done – it was well funny. She liked the pig one best, but she got a phone call from Kelly in the middle and everyone STARED at her like, hello, she paid as much for her ticket as everyone else did, so she BECKY SMASHED them and got thrown out before she found out how it ended. Jessie told her she’d get her a pirate DVD from down the market if she liked. WELL COOL.
Jessie J says that Becky is young and hungry and her voice is getting better every week, and as long as you don’t let her have too many smarties she’s good as gold, most of the time.
In rehearsal, we find out that Becky is singing “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes, and Jessie says that Becky needs to learn to be more forceful with the song. Is this a bit like how Vince had to be less afraid of his own voice? Jessie tells her to pretend she’s singing the song to everybody who ever pissed her off. Oh Jessie, this show’s only seen by about 6 million people. That’s not going to cover it.
Next we get a bizarre heartwarming segment for Becky as she says that she’s lived in her little town for 17 years and has never really felt like she belonged.
Yeah, being from the Midlands myself, you wouldn’t dressed like that. But then she came to London for the show and now she really feels like she’s accepted. She says in a soft voice to Jessie that she really feels like she’s getting on with everyone in Team Jessie and that they all love her. Yeah, I don’t, but I’m sure Toni masks her feelings well.
To the stage now, where Becky begins by yelling “I WANT TO HEAR EVERYONE STAMPING THEIR FEET, COME ON!”. Such a little rabble-rouser. From her own stamping feet we pan up to see that
Axl Rose is looking well. The styling choices on this show get ever more bizarre, and still somehow never surpass what they did to Frances. My second favourite part of this opening segment is that terrified looking woman at the bottom there, who reacts throughout like this performance is happening solely to her, in a bus shelter, at 1am, waiting for a Night Bus. and she doesn’t know what to do. My favourite part is, of course,
Becky forgetting the words
and mouthing “FUCK!”. Right down the camera lens. So Becky. From there she rushes to the stage, singing…pretty well by her standards, really belting the notes and ladling tonnes of sass on everything just to make up for the lack of technique. Then for no reason
she gets up in the faces of all the judges and mugs them all off. Then she goes back to the stage and finishes, and I think she forgets the words again, she just has the good grace not to swear this time.
I’m so sad that I only have the final left to recap, because it means that this is almost certainly the last Becky Hill performance I will ever recap. It’s been a joy.
Holly of course galumphs out as fast as her legs will carry her to give it her best Morning TV “some of you may have head Becky swear her head off in the middle of that performance, we apologise for any offence caused” disclaimer. Becky’s response?
“DID I?! I DIDN’T! I PROMISE!”. Holly grins inanely and says “she didn’t realise she did it!” right down the camera, and of course the net effect is that Becky is now in a horrible panic that she ruined everything, and Holly doesn’t care because she’s got Evil Moira Ross screaming far worse swear words right down her ear-piece at this very second, and just wants to talk about something else, like rainbows or kitten or that performance. Becky then enters a flat spin saying everything went wrong and there was too much to think about and I think she actually goes “DAD?!” at one point which is just so…Becky.
And then Jessie J tells her it’s fine and she’s beautiful and gives her a hug
dressed as Betty Boo Doin’ The Do. See? Sometimes this show can be…well entertaining would be one word for it. Can’t we just replace whoever from Team Tom would have made the final with Becky? Go on. Once Jessie J gets back in her seat, she says that Becky has so much energy, and we’ve even even heard everything she can do yet. Is she saving the c word up for the semi-finals? I do hope so.
Anyway, apparently Becky can do slow songs as well, and has an amazing tone. Jessie J then explains what “tone” means because “someone told her to explain what the words she uses mean”. Well…it’s a start. Next we’ll do the noises, and then maybe move on to the faces.
Tom’s next, as Holly yells “DID SHE DO ENOUGH?” at him about 7 times before he actually registers what she says. I have to say, I give Holly a much easier time than most people do, and it’s entirely because I LOVE hearing her shout. It’s just got such a lovely tone to it. [Thank God Jessie just explained that word to me or I’d have had no idea what you were saying. – Steve] Tom says that Becky always does enough for him, especially as she’s the complete opposite of that boring Aleks. She’s on fire! In fact he’s worried that she’s so amazingly raucous that she might ruin her vocal cords
entirely. A producer has told him to mime to indicate what the words he says means, clearly. VOCAL CORDS LIKE HERE! *point point* He then closes by explaining to Becky that Janis Joplin, who he mentioned last week, was a singer in the 60s with a similar voice to hers. Becky grins that that’s before her time. You know what isn’t before your time Becky? Google.
Danny then does an impression of Tom Jones that sounds a bit like the butler from Hart To Hart, and tells Becky that he’d love to duet with her. Yes, their voices would meld…so well together. Evil William closes by saying that it was great, and he doesn’t know what she’s worried about.
I’m so sure.
Last up for Team Danny it’s
DAVID. Danny talks up how well David did two weeks ago with that song by The Temper Tramps, as David
becoming ever more Cardle-y by the second, recounts how he really loved the staging, with the umbrellas and the video-floor and everything. It’s all about The Ability To Kick The Floor In Time With A Pre-Recorded Bit Of Footage To Give The Illusion Of Splashing In The Rain. Could Aleks Josh do that? NO.
In rehearsal, Danny tells David that what they really need at this stage in the competition is for David to sing a lyric that he really means so…any girls he feels like getting stalky over? Because he heard this worked so well for that Irish guy on Britain’s Got Dog Dancers. How about “She Will Be Loved”? By The Maroon Five? If you sing the “WILL” extra-hard, repeatedly, you’ll sound like a proper nutcase. David nods away happily. He’s got just the girl in mind who turned him down once, causing him to
take long miserable walks by the canal solely for the purpose of heart-rending VTs. It’s taken him such a long time to get over it, and accept that it’s not meant to be, but hey, he’s on the tv now and famous, so this is the perfect opportunity to bin all that personal growth off and apply the thumbscrews EXTRA HARD.
Danny waffles on about how you can get women to love you really, if you just sing at them EXTRA HARD, and maybe tie them up first. He knows that David is a “hopeless romantic” just like him, so he hopes this song goes down well. Do you know what might have been better than trying to find a song on his emotional wavelength Danny? Not giving him one where he has to do falsetto. AGAIN. DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE CAN’T DO IT.
Anyway, here’s the staging
David’s turned up at this poor girl’s house to woo her with his castrated cat falsetto, and no matter how many suitcases she throws at him he still won’t [Becky Hill] off her front garden. Unlike last week, I’m not even that into the non-falsetto parts because this is, all told, kind of a gutless song. The house in the background changes to represent the passing seasons, whilst David’s just sat on the stoop doing his Greyfriars Bobby act. I swear, are girls supposed to be into this? Because I’d be far more willing to change my mind about fancying someone if they got all Sweet Disposition “let’s just abandon all our inhibitions and be young and reckless whilst our blood still runs hot in our veins and never surrender” over it than if they did this “I’M GOING TO SIT OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THE RAIN STARING AT YOU UNTIL YOU GIVE IN!” nonsense
wailing like they just scalded their hands. Also I would need to be drunk.
Holly trots out and tells David that she bets David’s mystery girl will have changed her mind about him now!
Because that’s what women who aren’t directly involved in these situations always say. In fact, I’d give you Vegas odds that David’s Mystery Girl cringed so hard she burst a blood vessel in her eye. Danny tells David that he’s so happy with how left-field David has been in the choices that he’s allowed Danny to make for him before this point. He’s done Danny so so proud. But this week Danny went straight down the middle for him, because he’s just such an “earnest guy”. Wow, this just gets sexier and sexier doesn’t it? Anyway, David is just a working class guy from Manchester who quit his job to give that special performance and he hopes that everyone watching it will remember it for the rest of their lives.
Thought it was shit. He hems and haws about making himself “the judge who says what’s on his mind”, like he hasn’t been spoiling for a fight all evening. That song choice was totally a lackadaisical “woop-de-doo” walk in the park song-choice, and he thinks it was boring. Danny huffs at William, demanding to know if William is saying that this isn’t a GREAT song?! If William isn’t, I am. It’s mimsy pants. William clarifies that the song is FINE, he would never diss the fine output of The Maroon Five, but the arrangement and performance were not at the level that David needs to be at to advance further. Danny then gets
proper dead-eyed and snides “so your team were better? NO!”. Then Jessie decides to
stage an intervention, and wring her hands, and say “This isn’t about Team William! Or Team Danny! Or Team Jessie! It’s not like that! I’m not going to make you feel like this about you against him! It’s not about whose team is better, it’s about being constructive to each individual artist! NO!”. Danny then starts waffling on about collaboration and William acts like he hasn’t been on Danny’s jock all evening and starts singing “Ice Ice Baby” and it’s just…this whole show has been a sloppy mess this evening, and this show feels like the part at the end of the drunken ramble where you JUST START SHOUTING EVERYTHING INCOHERENTLY UNTIL EVERY THOUGHT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEAD IS ON THE PAVEMENT.
Tom Jones? Just sits there mumbling something about there being no fighting. I feel he worked all this out of his syetem long ago, and is just happy to sit back, collect his pay-cheque and says his two sentences about how one time he and Jackie Chan went to Lil Kim’s house and had chocolate banana sundaes with The Four Platters whilst Edith Piaf did a duet with JC Chasez.
Holly tells them all to shut up, because the show’s already behind time, and David closes by pulling
this face. YES, I’M SURE SHE’LL SHAG YOU NOW!
This means that last up for Team Jessie, and last up for the night as a whole it’s
TONI! I love that Jessie has given her The Pimp Slot. It’s such a misguided act of…well…something. Toni tells us all that she loved being out on stage two weeks ago, but she was a little disappointed about being in the Bottom Two.
Which disappointment she’s marking with her very own special tribute to Camilla Batmanghelidjah. She didn’t want it to end, and was so happy when Jessie saved her. This week she fully intends to make Jessie proud, and glad that she picked Toni over Ruth-Ann. By
showing her just how cute her children are. To be fair, they ARE very cute. Toni tells us that her kids are a bit too young to understand The Voice, and it’s good to be outside of that bubble for a while. Also to appreciate them before they turn into little Becky Hills.
In rehearsal, Toni reveals she’s singing “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”. She get through the “what have I got to do, to make you love me (BRITAIN!)?” bit then
breaks down crying. Jessie tells her to PUSH ON THROUGH, because this is REAL EMOTION, but Toni is worried that if she starts letting go now, it’ll happen live on Saturday night and be a snivvelling wreck on stage. Toni, last week you sang Tina Turner like Alvin & The Chipmunks whilst dressed as Cher’s clitoris in the “Turn Back Time” video. There’s no need to feel shame. You’ve been through the worst. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Jessie J talks self-help guff at Toni until she calms down again. Hooray. She closes by saying that needs to find a balance between being emotional, and being a basket-case. Not on this show you don’t.
Out to the stage now and
I don’t think there’s any way I’d rather recap my final Toni Warne Experience than with her last set of Toni Warne Faces.
Now there’s an emotional woman. Just like everything Toni does, it’s kind of 80s club-singer and redundant for this show, although there’s no denying the woman has pipes. Once the exorcism is over, Holly trots out and asks Toni how it’d feel to make the semi-finals. Also what it would feel like to be the first bald female president of America, as that’s about as likely to happen. Holly’s so cruel. Anyway, Toni starts crying and honking about how music is her LIFE and it would mean so much to her.
Jessie J is in TEARS, saying that Toni is a bird who has just started to fly and her emotion will have touched everyone in the studio and at home. I must say, Jessie J’s real commitment and BELIEF in Toni Warne is the most endearing thing about her. I hope they do a duet in the finale. A face-off if you will. Probably literally. Tom follows, saying that there’s not much more he can say on top of Jessie’s speech. The performance moved him anyway. Toni says “that’s Tom Jones!” to Holly, as though Holly’s forgotten. Maybe she has.
Anyway, this is the point where we’re running over, so we don’t get to hear what Danny and Evil William have to say. I hope Evil William hated it and found it pedestrian. WHAT ALL DEM FACES BOUT GURRRRRRL? Not dope.
Of course there’s still time for the vital element of the show that is
the Vagina Room. Reggie asks Aleks what he’s going to sing. He says “Gotye, Somebody That I Used To Know”. Reggie asks him if he’s going to take his hands out of his pockets. He says “yeah”. Fascinating insights from Reggie and The Vagina Room. Reggie then asks Becky if she’d like to get into the semi-finals and she replies that she wants to get froo so bad because it’s been such a wicked experience. So nice of the producers to put the two least media-savvy people together there. We close with David being asked if he thinks this girl will shag him now or what? David says that he hopes so. (deedle-dee deedle-dee this is the DATING AGENCY).
It’s time now for our last performance of the evening – the Team Danny group performance. So it’s time to find out how they bonded. Is it over karaoke bowling? Dinosaur mini-golf? Is Nancy Lam going to come and give them all a pizza? (PLEASE SAY YES) Sadly no,
they’re all going into the studio to “jam with The Script”. Aleks’
non-plussed reaction to the news earns him about 10 bonus points with me, as does his
complete refusal to “jam with The Script”. He grunts that it really made him smile to have everyone in that room singing to him. Erm…I don’t think that was the point Aleks. Oh and as well as jamming with The Script, everyone’s also going go-karting. Bo tells us that she can’t compete because she’s got a slipped disc, so she’s just going to start the race.
Really, every Grand Prix should start like this.
The race unfolds thusly : Max Milner wins
and is not at all smug about it. David repeatedly rams his kart into Danny, taking them both out of contention for the win. Despite this VIOLENCE, Aleks still comes last, leading Bo to pull an
amazing derp face. Aleks for his part says that he blames it on the car but it’s alright
because he’s a good loser (SPOILERS : LOL).
Here, for those interested, is the final leaderboard.
Tee-hee at “Daniel”. So formal. For go-karting.
OK, so it’s time for Team Danny’s group performance. AKA, the point where Danny’s commitment to High Concept reaches its breaking point. The point is that they’re all parts of famous works of art, in reference to the artistic theme of Gotye’s video. Alex is
Warhol, Max is
Van Gogh, Danny is
Magritte (oh, for William Tell), David is
Michaelangelo’s David (so cruel whoever invited that comparison, so cruel), and Bo is
just wearing the Mona Lisa on her back like a cape, because Danny had run out of COOL IDEAS at this point. It’s not really very coherent, unless you want to play “Name That Artist”. I can’t help thinking that they would have done better replicating the part of the video where they’re all in the nuddy. [That was Danny’s original idea, and it also involved him standing right behind Aleks and the two of them playing Vitruvian Man. – Steve] Anyway, Bo and David get to that sexy part they were talking about earlier and it’s kind of undermined by her stamping on his foot to try to get him to reach yet another high note he’s doomed to clatter into like a high-jump bar.
Once they’re finished staring one another out it’s back to Danny,
who is now looking UTTERLY MISERABLE and really pale. I half expect him to stop the performance (LIVE TV! LIVE TV!) and demand that someone take his mic out, so he doesn’t have to hear himself. Because he sounds DREADFUL, and normally I like his voice best of all the coaches. Max is singing too low, David is singing too high, Bo is…fine, and Aleks is alright given that he’s a whole one step outside of his Aleks comfort zone.
Once it’s over, Holly gushes that it’s “THE ARTISTS BECOMING ART!”. More precisely a load of old Klimt.