I’m trying hard to mask my pain, but I could never love again, they’re the only ones for me: Mooleen.
Last night, Chris and I both agreed, was probably the worst collection of performances masquerading as a talent show that either of us has ever witnessed. And we don’t say this lightly: I sat through “1970s Dance Music Week” during the fourth season of American Idol. (Apparently it was originally meant to be plain old Disco Week, until they realised the two frontrunners were country and rock and were going to be utterly boned by that theme, so they widened the scope to the point of incomprehensibility, and even then they ended up with Carrie Dunderhead doing THIS to ‘MacArthur Park’, although Bo Bice did admittedly turn it the fuck out with ‘Vehicle’, so there was perhaps some logic to it. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the end of this incredibly drawn-out parenthetical thought.) Anyway, the whole thing was just barely saved from being a complete disaster by a non-competitive performance from Team William at the end, and at least the ensuing quadruple elimination won’t really feel that much of an injustice.
So, Team Tom
and Team William
are awaiting their fate, as the public vote has guided just one person from each team to safety, and the others are all dependent on the whims of the judges and whatever arbitrary quality they’re favouring this week.
NA-NA-BOOP-BOOP-TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TEE THESE ARE THE RESULTS!
It is my sad duty to inform you all that for tonight’s proceedings,
the Willoughboobies will be remaining entirely covered-up. There go our hopes of breaking the all-time blog hits record. Damn you, modesty! Holly and Reggie get on with the business of explaining tonight’s double elimination, trying to gloss over the fact that revealing the top vote-getter in each group may well render the semi-final pretty much a formality, since there’s a good chance that whoever gets the most votes tonight will be a lock for the final and whoever gets saved by their coach tonight will probably be living on borrowed time (On the US version, 7 out of 8 times this has happened so…yeah – Chris). Nonetheless, we continue with
a group performance from Team Jessie, who are singing Jamiroquai’s ‘Canned Heat’, and if this doesn’t make you think of stabbing blindly away at the touchscreen during a game of Elite Beat Agents in a manner that bears little resemblance to the song’s actual rhythm and desperately just trying to survive to the end of the song so you could move on, then I feel we will never be kindred spirits. Since we’ve not seen a lot of Team Jessie this week, I can reveal that
Becky has lost the use of her left arm,
Toni clearly went clothes shopping with Ruth,
Cassius is still barely visible, and
Vince is still trying to make obscene gestures to the viewers at home. Perhaps someone gave him advance word of this week’s ratings. It seems odd for Team Jessie to be singing about how they have nothing left to do but dance, since we all know how opposed Jessie is to all forms of dancing. Well, except
when she’s doing it. Bless her, she’s really not a natural dancer. Perhaps that’s why she hates watching other people do it – SHE’S JUS JELASS. Oh, and if you’re a fan of Toni’s faces,
you’re welcome. Meanwhile, Jessie J decides that the terrible dancing isn’t enough, and opts to re-enact She’s All That in reverse by
commandeering William’s glasses. The music finishes, but Jessie
continues to twirl, lost in her reverie. Well, at least she’s improved her mood since the performance show.
Holly turns to the two people “with massive decisions to make”, and Tom looks
like she’s just asked him to drown a sackload of puppies. Welsh puppies. All of whom he’s duetted with in the past. Tom says it’s going to be very hard to decide who has to go home because all of his acts so different, and if one of them was no good it’d be easier, but they’re all so strong.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOH. *wipes tear*
Meanwhile, William has
fallen asleep without remembering to paint wide-awake eyes on the outside of his glasses first. Rookie mistake, William. He responds to Holly’s question by saying he wants to look at it differently, which prompts an excellent
“where is THIS going?” face from Jessie J, as William talks about having 10 brilliant singers who he can add to his “crew of collaborations” whenever he’s in London. I totally anticipate a future hit single by William featuring Jenny Jones. Holly asks Danny if he has any advice for William and Tom, and he chuckles
“don’t mess it up, because Team Danny’s coming for you!” I think I’d have preferred the traditional “good luck, and don’t fuck it up”, but then Danny is no RuPaul. He’s barely Nicole Paige Brooks. Then, in a bid for the honour of Most Idiotic Thing Ever Said By Anyone On The Voice (remind us to make a poll for that in the final recap), he thinks it’s going to be very apparent who the top one is on both teams. Yes, because Holly is going to tell us. It doesn’t get much more unambiguous than that.
From there, we proceed to a recap of the performance show, wherein Danny and Tom argued which one of them happily-married Leanne was eyeing up as she sang, and Danny decides that he and she definitely had a
magic moment(/stroke-Chris) going on. Wow, someone’s trying to make Aleks jealous. William doesn’t want to toot his own flute where Frances is concerned but
ROOT-A-TOOT-TOOT! (I am unsure what the above Groucho Marx impression has got to do with any of this.) Danny cements his role as a poor man’s Jon Culshaw (who is similarly a poor man’s…form of entertainment) by moving on from his William impression to his Tom Jones, but he admits he’s still working on his Jessie. Insert any variation of “that’s no way to talk about Aleks” joke that you like here. Danny and William argued about the intense and complicated visual metaphors presented to us by Mooleen, Tom admits that he hasn’t sung with Mohammed Ali,
William confirmed that he doesn’t just say “dope” if he doesn’t mean it, and everyone was forced to admire Jaz’s ability to impregnate his wife. Then, of course, there were the group performances, and everyone was excited to perform alongside their mentors, particularly
Mooleen, who think it’ll be something to tell the children, WHEN THEY HAVE CHILDREN. I’m sure that’s a thought that will give Chris sleepless nights: the thought of Spawn Of Mooleen turning up on one of these shows in 18 years’ time. (*shudders* – Chris)
Right, time to find out who from
Team Tom has received the most votes, and is definitely safe.
Yeah, no real surprise there – apart from if you’re Ruth, who appears genuinely unable to process this turn of events. She stumbles off in a dazed fashion while Adam, Leanne and Mooleen retreat backstage to await their fate. Holly goes back to Tom to talk about his Feelings some more, and Tom says that win or lose, this has been great exposure for everyone, and that’s money in the bank, isn’t it?
The curious structure of these results shows continues, as we go from that rather sombre moment to a performance from the Scissor Sisters, that band of which, if you remember the battle rounds, Ana Matronic is definitely the lead singer.
The fact that it took until 1’40” into that song, in which time Jake Shears had already done two verses and the chorus twice, for her to even open her mouth is clear evidence of this. And that’s about as much time as I’m going to spend on the Scissor Sisters, because I’ve always thought that ‘Filthy/Gorgeous’ aside, they were kind of completely rubbish. Sorry. (I like “Laura”. Also “Kiss You Off” is kind of shitmazing – Chris) (Fire With Fire may be the worst song ever recorded though – Chris) Take away my gay card if you must, but that’s how I feel. Although it is reassuring to see that Holly has as much trouble saying “Scissor Sisters” without just spitting all over everyone in a five-metre radius as I do. Stupid lingering remnants of childhood lisp. (And yes, being a lisping child whose name was Steven Perkins was exactly as much fun as you’d imagine.)
Time for some filler of the “here’s what happens on a show-day” variety, as David relates that their call-time is stupidly early, a time which Aleks narrows down to 7am while
definitely not getting noshed off just out of shot by a certain denim-loving coach or anything like that, despite how it might look. Joelle refuses to let us see her early-morning face (I haven’t even screengrabbed it, because I’m nice like that) and Sueleen complains that
Matt isn’t helping her out of the car because he’s a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG or something. No, I don’t know, either. But I imagine this is just a sample of parts of their relationship that the editors have been sparing us from, God bless them. Anyway, continuing our tour, prepare to be shocked to your very core as we discover that Becky
is not a morning person. I love that she is so much of a non-morning person that she can’t even look at the camera as she says this, in case mere eye contact with her BURNS OUR SOULS as a result of her EXISTENTIAL RAGE. One of these days we should introduce her to Angry Luke from So You Think You Can Dance; I imagine they’d have a lot in common. Although not as much in common as
these two, who appear to have answered my prayers from the last recap and become total BFFs. Hooray! Then everyone goes to wardrobe and who should stop by to offer sartorial advice but
Jessie J. She attempts to convince Adam that dungarees are bang on trend, while David just stands there laughing at what she’s wearing. Finally, Becky gets word that her playsuit is “winging its way” over and
reacts demurely as ever. Here is a screencap of Max for no other reason than
he looks pretty and I need something to inspire me to get to the end of this recap. Jessie and Becky have a pillow fight while waiting for the show to go live, and then everyone’s sent to the studio where the judges
clearly ate all the Haribo Tangfastics in the green room before the show and are now suffering the consequences. And for some reason, amidst all of this,
Frances has joined the ranks of the undead. Why is she always either jaundiced or deathly pale? What is this show doing to her? No time to find out, because
Holly’s got the results for Team William. Only one of them has been saved by the public, and that person is…
UNSURPRISING RESULT IS UNSURPRISING. Frances, Joelle and Tyler troop off to await their fate. Holly asks William if he’s surprised by this turn of events, and…of course he’s not, because Jaz is amazing and restored his belief in beauty and Christmas and Kim Kardashian’s ability to form lasting relationships.
From here, we throw to Reggie in the Vagina Room where everyone
looks as though they’re about to be sent off to be executed. CHEER UP YOU LOT. If it’s any consolation, the ratings were dreadful for Saturday’s show, so it’s not like many people would’ve been voting anyway. Leanne hopes she’s done enough to survive, Mooleen have had a great time, Adam tries to be charismatic and fails miserably, Frances vows to step things up in future if William decides to keep her, Joelle
blatantly knows she’s going home and is halfway to acceptance already, and Tyler wonders if he might have done better if he’d worn socks. Well, he doesn’t, but he should.
After a recap mixed with gosh-I-hope-I’m-not-going-home confessionals, in which absolutely nothing of interest happens, it’s time to decide who gets to stay from Team Tom.
Tom says that Adam’s done everything he’s asked them to do and more, and then says the exact same thing about Mooleen. However, Leanne has The Voice, so based on Saturday’s performances, he’s going to keep
Leanne. NO! NOT MY MOOLEEN! *gnashes teeth, rends garments* (Sorry, this is the first time I’ve ever actually had people I once knew in real life appear on a reality show, and I’m finding it hard to let go.) Mooleen and Adam hug Leanne with big smiles on all their faces while Tom
checks with his conscience to see if he’s made the right decision. It’s fine Tom, don’t worry, Leanne is 100% Jiminy Cricket-approved. Holly assembles
the losers and commiserates them. Adam is upbeat and thanks Tom, saying that he made the right decision in saving Leanne because this is The Voice and she is The Voice. (LOL no she isn’t – Chris) Mooleen are just proud to have been here to perform and to have had the chance to work with Tom and all these diverse artists. Dryheaving over , Holly insists that they all go over and
Before William has to cut down his own entourage, we mustn’t forget (apparently) that Team Danny exists, and that they would like to sing for us. They’re singing ‘Starlight’ by Muse, a song which doesn’t particularly suit any of them, but at least they’re making it interesting for us by assembling in funny positions. Bo is
really trying to make the whole Messiah thing happen for herself, Max is
lying on his back in order to excite internet conspiracy theories (/sexual fantasis, possible, you know what the Internet is like, bunch of perverts – Chris) about how he is being THROWN UNDER TEH BUS in favour of…oh, let’s say Moe. David is
dangling off the stairs for no apparent reason, and Aleks is
not standing anywhere particularly noteworthy, but making up for it by just wearing the absolute worst thing imaginable. What even is that? It looks like he just popped into the studio in between house-painting appointments.
(Fun Fact : I know some people who were in The Voice audience this week. All they could talk about was how enormous Aleks’ penis looked in those trousers in person. So..erm…there’s that. – Chris)
Anyway, Jessie is getting
really into it, although her expression there just makes me think of this:
With apologies to anyone who isn’t going to sleep for at least a week after watching that.
Anyway, eventually they all make their way over to assemble themselves like
911 featuring Diana, Princess of Wales. I stand by my assertion that it’s a song that’s not really a natural fit for any of them, but they make a reasonable job of it, so well done Team Danny. You’re excused.
After a similarly unenlightening recap of all of Team William’s performances, they’ve all assembled onstage to see who’s sticking around. William tells Frances that she was really fresh and he was proud of her, Joelle that she was fantastic and powerful even if they did struggle on the song choice, and Tyler that he is fantastic and Mr Cool. However, he can only take one of them through, and it must be great to be Frances right now because 90% of the audience is screaming “TYLERRRR! TYLERRRR!” and the other 10% is yelling “JOELLE!” William talks about how he’s thinking about going into battle with Jessie, Tom and Danny, and how he’s going to pick someone who goes within himself (big hint there) (also…goes within himself? Can Tyler suck himself off or summit? ENQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW! – Chris) and comes out smooth and cool, so
sure enough, it’s Tyler who’s safe and going through to the semi-finals. (Certainly looks like he’s…gone inside himself in that screen-cap – Chris) Interestingly, neither Tyler nor Jaz acknowledged any of the others as they walked off to safety. Are they not as tight-knit as they would have us believe? Team Tom were all over each other for the most part. Maybe it’s just a Team Raggy Dolls thing. Anyway, Joelle is very gracious in defeat, thanking William who is currently looking on like a
wise owl for his encouragement, and saying what a wonderful experience this has been, while Frances is clearly gutted but managing to focus on everything she’s learned from the whole process. Mostly “find TV crews who are sympathetic to your skin tone”. They go off to hug William, and either Frances’ mic is still on or she’s too close to William’s, because we hear her sob
“Embarrassing! I’m crying!” Bless. Joelle, I think, tells him to “take care”, which is brilliant.
So that’s it. Next week it’s Team Jessie
against Team Danny
once again, and their teams of four must be reduced by half. Chris will be here to guide you through the whole thing in painstaking detail, although he never had to recap Mooleen, so I’m not sure he’ll ever really know the true meaning of “pain” or indeed “staking”. I’ll be back for the semi-final; see you then.