The Apprentice 8 – Episode 9 Summary

This week on The Apprentice it’s time for the…erm…time for…erm…well actually, they did have a task planned for this week, honest, but Kaen ate it, so instead they’ve retrofitted this week’s reward (which involved sampling English Sparkling Wines) into a task. This sort of thing will happen in these troubled times, nobody panic. The teams have to “raise awareness” of said English Sparkling Wines and make a website and do a promotional video and erm…stuff. You can tell it’s a last minute add-on task because the show’s forgotten to pretend the Internet doesn’t exist. Winners will be whoever a team of Wine Experts (sime winos the show rounded up round the back of Oddbins and poured into suits) decide is the best.

First order of business is for the battered remains of Phoenix to all decide between them who they like bestest from Sterling. They decide they like Nick bestest, so he gets to join them for the week. This leaves Phoenix with experts on wine (Tom), websites (Nick), marketing (Jade) and..erm…it’ll come to me (Adam). In response, Sterling just say “we’re the underdogs, we’re the underdogs, we’re the underdogs” over and over again, not realising that mostly they’re the underdogs because they suck. You know. Comparatively. I’m sure they’re all amazing people.

Anyway, Project Manager Tom does his best to balance things out by spending the entire task pished. It’s like when Michelle went to that VIP Lounge in Top Shop spread out over whole two days. This also has the knock-on effect of leaving Adam loose without any direction, meaning he bashes into the furniture, calls himself the “choreographer” and generally gets in the way of Jade and Nick, who are left to do most of the task on their own. Somehow they manage to pull out a professional, if slightly dull campaign, which apparently ignores the brief of “raising awareness” somehow, like that phrase means anything.

Meanwhile Project Manager Ricky Martin just replicates the last time he was Project Manager like he’s Groundhog Day. Not overseeing the promotional video; sailing directly into an opposing Project Manager with relevant expertise; constructing a decent pitch beginning with “Hello, my name is Ricky Martin”; putting Gabrielle on the branding aspect of the task, where she shines. And just like last time he behaved like this, his team loses, because his video is crap. And just like last time, the person most responsible for the team’s awful video is fired instead (Jenna).

Undisputed Champion Showings of this episode go to Sterling’s promotional video, which is probably the worst advert/promo video produced on this show ever(?), and also to the “reward”, which is Nick, Tom, Jade and Adam all getting semi-nude in a hot tub whilst necking more booze and cackling openly at how much Sterling SUCK. You’d think this hubris would pressage a humiliating loss next week but…did I mention that, in the wake of Jenna’s firing (“with regret”), Stephen makes an insane gambit of a promise to win next week as Sterling Project Manager or die trying? Can’t wait to see that. I think he might actually lose a kidney.


53 thoughts on “The Apprentice 8 – Episode 9 Summary

  1. Shrinking Man

    I’d just like to point out to Nirrck* that “tea” is about as British as you can get, and it’s an Amoy word. Cha is Cantoese.

    *And I realised while watching this episode that you should have added the “r”s to the end of his name – “Nick-rr”. You could then pronounce it “knickers”, if you should so choose.

    1. Shrinking Man

      In fact, it’s actually worse than that, when I come to think on it. “Grandeur” is *not* a French word. “Grondeur” is, but that’s not what they had on the label, is it?

      Oh, Nick-rr, you’ve only gone and made yourself look foolish, this time.

      1. Creepy

        I think Stephen monumentally confused the issue with the word grandeur by using the english pronunciation (gran-djeur) in a french accent (gron-jeuuuuuuur) – the word exists in both languages and should actually be pronounced “gron-deur” in french (or of course “gran-djeur” in english) – but not a mongrelly abomination of both, particularly when accompanied by a smug knowing affirmation from a pillock like Stephen… I care too much about this.

    2. monkseal Post author

      I did consider it, but I honestly prefer Nirrck. It’s just a very Nick word. Every time he pulls one of those dumb faces I imagine him going “NIRRRCK!” in his head, a bit like a pterodactyl. It just fits.

  2. LaurieMarlow

    The saddest thing about Sterling’s terrible, terrible video is that Jenna was genuinely proud of it and didn’t seem to understand why it had tanked the task for them.

    Bless, at least she got a ‘with regret’

    1. monkseal Post author

      It’s got to the stage where I find “with regret” a wee bit patronising. It only ever seems to be said to women as well. I feel like it’s Lordalan’s equivalent of Adam going “well done love, but in the end it were just a bit complicated for yer wasn’t it?”. Or something like that.

  3. revpamsmith

    That ‘grandeur’ thing was so annoying me – it’s a perfectly respectable English word that we’ve borrowed from the French, as in ‘delusions of grandeur’. Bad name for a sparkling wine mind you.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Nick and Kaen are so weak this series. I feel like they get one talking head per week, and it’s usually something fatuous. Not that I’m complaining – one of my favourite things about the first series is that Nick and Margaret are silent. And all the more ominous for being so.

  4. Johnny

    Was Alan’s “ooh maitre d'” joke was his best ever?

    I also liked the loyalty to the format. Why have two people spend half an hour chatting to a local wino about what’s hot in the British wine industry when you can send them off to waste a whole day getting pissed?

    1. monkseal Post author

      That whole day was so baffling for me. I get going to obtain information to form the bulk of your website, but by the time Tom was leading a random wine tasting, I was utterly lost.

  5. revpamsmith

    I’m fascinated by Alan’s recent references to people calling him Syd James. It’s like he’s trying to stop us doing it by saying he knows what we’re up to.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I guess on paper, Stephen has “done well enough to deserve a second chance”. On paper.

  6. Ferny

    As I have found for the last few series, it only starts getting good about this time when enough people have been fired and it gets to the juicy bit – I think the good stuff started last week, so better late than never!

    I’ve decided I found Tom tolerable before but now I just don’t like him much. Such a know-it-all.

    At the start I found Jenna annoying now I think she’s adorbz, and I didn’t like Adam now he’s also quite adorbz (most of the time)…what’s going on?!

    1. monkseal Post author

      REDEMPTION ARCS! You can never stay mad at a NORF for long. They’re just too down-to-earth and lovably straightforward etc etc rolling down a hill in a tin bath.

  7. Ferny

    The thought of how desperate Stephen is going to be to win next week is amusing. And that advert was the worst ever in that it wasn’t so bad it was funny (Gropey Octopus, Pantsman), it was just crap. Poor Jenna.

  8. Ross

    I knew Jenna had been talking about Scottish Gaelic back in the Edinburgh task! Never understood why people automatically assumed it was a “do they speak English in Scotland” type question. Perhaps it is coming from a Gaelic speaking country myself (albeit Ireland rather than Scotland.)

    Sorry to see Jenna go but it was probably the right call based on the task – Stephen is repellent and a weaker candidate overall but Jenna was the main force beyond the ad. Though Ricky really should have known better than to leave filming to someone else given what had happened last time.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I am both unncessarily stubborn and unpleasantly cynical, so I will never not believe that Jenna was handed that “I was talking about Scottish Gaelic, OCH AYE THE NOO!” excuse by a well-wisher between being on the show and appearing on You’re Fired.

  9. Pingback: The Apprentice E9: Why did Jenna have to go? « Clever Blogs

  10. min

    Poor Gabby – torn apart from Nick by a rather too gleeful Adam, and then having to spend the day with Stephen randomly shouting words like ‘clink’ at her. I loved the way she just gave up, laughed in his face and then spent the rest of the day talking to him like a difficult toddler.
    I wonder how The-Series-In-Stephen’s-head is going for him?

      1. Tim

        It was indeed ‘chink’. Though not intentionally offensive, you could see Gabrielle visibly recoil at the suggestion, in a “do I really have to explain to you why that’s a bad idea?” sort of way.

      2. min

        I think I was still reeling from Cert (that’s C-E-R-T) – a bit like Gabby was judging by the pen chomping.

      3. Ross

        For some reason I just can’t bring myself to like Gabbi. I guess I’m still bitter she got such an obviously biased treatment from Lord Sugar in her two boardrooms. Plus as awful as Stephen was I think she should have done more to challenge him during the task.

      4. monkseal Post author

        Yeah, at least Clink Wine would just sound like some sort of euphemism involving fluids consumed in a prison.

        Actually probably best not to dwell on that one…

  11. Kerry McCormack (@KerryMc1978)

    If ever there was a task this series where the winning team was denied it’s reward, it should have been this one. All Scribbles did wrong last year was to not restock as often as Alan Sugar thought she should. Tom spent all the first day getting pissed and ignored the ‘raising awarness’ part.

    Up until now i’ve found Tom quite meh but I really disliked him last night. Also, if Laura got fired for doing sod all last week, surely he could have fired Stephen for the same reasons this week. I know that Jenna’s ad was awful, but her onscreen appearances are far less of a risk to my tv screen than Stephen’s.

    1. min

      Tom was the most boring tiddly person ever, though wasn’t he?
      Did quite like him droning in the taxi about how boring their ad was, as well. I mean it was – it was very Pearl and Dean advertising the local wine bar – but even so a bit of expression, Tom.

      Have to give a special mention to Ricky Martin’s eyebrows watching their ad and the dawning horror. The left seemed slightly more put out than the right though.

    2. durnovarian

      Methinks that’s the whole point. He’s being kept in precisely *because* everyone loathes him, as ‘they’ think that makes good telly. My guess is he’s being kept in to be great interview fodder. After all, it worked so well last year with Stuart Baggs… 😉

      1. FuTeffla

        My friend and I have decided that the only acceptable ends to next week’s episode are: a) Stephen is fired; b) Jade is fired and Stephen is subsequently horribly and amusingly mauled by Claude in interviews; and c) Stephen is hit by a comet.

    3. monkseal Post author

      Stephen came up with their slogan, which apparently they liked (somehow). I think that was pretty much all he had over Jenna.

  12. Joel

    God I hate Stephen. So much. SO MUCH. He’s so utterly useless. Chink indeed. And while grandeur is obviously now used in English, it’s still absurd to use a word of such obviously French origin for a campaign of ENGLISH WINE NOT FRENCH. It’s Belisimo all over again. He’s the worst at branding and thinks he’s so good at it.

    Also getting utterly sick of ‘Adam done learn a thing!’ every single week. It’s not cute. It’s patronising to him and smacks of redemption arc editing, which: vomit.

    Nick, Gabrielle and Jade final three please. Sexy Adam Woodyat can come fourth.

    1. stevenperkins

      I can’t wait to see the effect that you saying “sexy Adam Woodyatt” has on Chris’s google hits. I might say it a few more times just to speed things up. Sexy Adam Woodyatt. Sexy Adam Woodyatt.

  13. Victoria

    My local Waitrose is busy celebrating English wine this week as well. I’m guessing their PR team is hoping for an industry award this year.

  14. Neio

    So we’ve still yet to see a PM get fired this series. It used to be that candidates were unwilling to stick their heads above the parapet by volunteering to be a PM. This series it’s seeming like it’s the safest thing they could do.

    Tom is beginning to grate on me a little – this week and last he has seemed a little like the kid bragging about how many toys he’s got.

    Stephen is becoming more and more unlikeable as the process goes on (“Specifics!”) His slimy ways of deflecting attention from him in the boardroom are so transparent, and he seems to think coming up with a string of awful ideas is contributing. Hopefully next week the team he’s project managing after his “bet” with Lord Sugar will do sweet FA on the task just to sabotage him and land him back in the boardroom (although I am harboring hopes of him making Interviews and coming up against Margaret and Claude).

    1. monkseal Post author

      “Did you even understand what this task is supposed to be about?” BETTER be said to Stephen. I would laugh and laugh.

      Although the more I think about it, this is the week last year where EVERYONE expected Scribbles to get fired, and she “didn’t understand the task” either. And then Melody lost and was fired instead. And Stephen is blatantly the Scribbles Scribbles Scribbens of the cast so…I’ve got a bad feeling.

      Also the 4 vs 3 curse. OBVIOUSLY.

  15. Rad

    I’m with Joel on the Nick/Gabi/Jade final three. I really liked Jenna by the end. Stephen, Tom and Adam just grate on me and Ricky Martin is total incompetence dressed up in the guise of ‘I’m a reasonable bloke me’.

    1. Joel

      Ricky Martin can at least pitch, though, which is more than 90% of people on all serieseses of this show – especially the ones who think they’re amazing a tit.

  16. FuTeffla

    I can’t believe Kaen thinks Stephen is articulate. To paraphrase The Thick Of It, he speaks entirely in meaningless buzzwords – he’s like a crap Jesus. ‘Grandeur is a French word’? Oh Nirrck. Count your blessings, it could be a poorly-spelt Italian word.

    I think I’d find the ‘Adam is an uncultured Northerner’ thing more annoying if it weren’t for the fact that he genuinely looks so excited when he learns something new. Tom/Adam bromance is a beautiful thing.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think this is quite an inarticulate cast generally. Gabrielle and Ricky Martin I think are the only one who are really “good with words”. Plenty of them are clever, and competent, but they struggle to put an argument together vocally (which, I can relate, which is why I say that).

  17. Carl

    I wonder if they just had Nick and Tom on a team together so they could get them with their tops off. I’m surprised they haven’t run any ads like, “Nick…you’ll want to marry him!” “Tom…you know you shouldn’t, but you so will!” and then, to round out the men on the team, “Adam…he’d be happy to join in, but really, he’s fine with just watching, he promises!”

  18. TheBockingfordKid

    Sara Cox on You’re Fired nailed one of the things that is hilarious/annoying regarding Stephen – how he pulls that ‘really, blaming me for anything? How baffling, totally confusing do you see how I can’t process that strange idea’ face.

  19. XC@tsuyuha (@Rayhaneh28)

    Oh come on! Surely the Pants man ad was worse than that – if only because it was the brainchild of Philip (not sure that it’s the right expression though as it would imply he hadn’t forgotten his brain when he came on the show….)

    Can’t wait to see the longer review with all the caps: I mean, the whole Tom/ Adam bromance was a thing of beauty this week 😀


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