This week sees the return of an old established Apprentice mainstay. That’s right, Jenny Celery makes her triumphant return, riding in on a golden carriage drawn by slavvering whip-driven hyenas to pursue the candidates through London’s back-alleys in an Apprentice twist on The Running M…oh wait, that’s NOT what they meant by Pure Evil? My bad. Instead it’s the return of the always amazing Art Gallery Task.
(Yes, yes, alright, it’s not the Shopping Channel Task, but if we respond positively than maybe, just maybe, we will live to see a candidate wank off a trampoline again. Whilst wearing a Wolf Spirit jacket.)
This year our genre (or “medium” if you will) of art being sold is graffiti art. Yet another chance to watch this brand of Hip Young Contestants try to out-hipster one another. Gabrielle starts revving her engines early as Sterling PM by talking about the time she met an artist once, possibly Rolf Harris, but she left in the dust by a ZOOMING Tom as Phoenix PM who spends most of the day saying things like “I don’t know if you know this, but there’s this guy called Banksy”, “you’re probably not aware of this, but graffitti goes on WALLS”, and “paint does a slipshy sploshy and makes a pretty, oh my God guys you are just going to SHIT YOUR BRAINS with the way I’m broadening your horizons”. Not just to his team, but to the actual artists they want to represent. Which goes down about as well as you’d expect. This alienates one artist in particular, called Pure Evil. And just think how much of a try-hard you’d have to come off as to do THAT. Also happening on his team are Jade going back to being “creative & competent” in the background like last week never happened, and Adam selling tons even though they don’t have art in THA NORF, except maybe a picture of some nice flowers or some flying ducks.
But what of Gabrielle’s first step in her quest to Project Manager, once, twice, or EVEN MORE TIMES in this process, getting BETTER EVERY SINGLE TIME? (*FLIBBLE*) It’s…alright? Her team at least seem to have some idea of what they’re supposed to be doing this time. Unfortunately for her, Stephen flings himself at the task in self-destruct mode, pissing off potential corporate clients, spooling out nonsense ideas every 5 seconds, and completely failing to sell anything. And Gabrielle herself still has hazy ideas about this whole “money” thing. Fortunately for her, her charm (at least comparative to Tom’s) lands her team Pure Evil, which pushes Tom into backing a completely unworkable artist who produces work the size of the Bayeaux Tapestry. And we all know hipsters all live in pokey little studio flats with riverside views and no indoor plumbing how ROMANTIC, so that’s his profits up the spout. As a result of all this, Sterling win again, and get to go have a paint-spattered orgy where Gabrielle screams “PAINT ME NICK! PAINT ME HARD!” and someone scrawls a giant spunking cock on the wall.
That anybody other than a current member of Sterling could win saddens me. They are the greatest of all things.
The Phoenix boardroom consists of everyone petting Adam like a dog that just learnt to walk on its hind legs, leaving a final boardroom of Jade and Tom. Oh and Laura, who for some reason this task decided to play the part of an Under The Radar Week 1 candidate, which might have worked then, but doesn’t really work on a sub-team of 2. The whole “standing there with a frown on your face” thing she brings to every task isn’t really enough this week, and she’s fired, ostensibly for lack of sales, but mostly really because the show has struggled to find a point to her beyond being a bit sexy. Ah well. There are worse edits.