The Voice – Episode 9 (Team Jessie vs Team Danny)

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re…friends of Jessie J probably.

Previously on The Voice : Something called “Team Tom” made the worst collective noise I’ve ever heard on a reality tv singing competition, and Team William were sort of alright, I guess? But after all that, Sam went home, and the girl who robbed J.Marie Cooper went home, and Mooleen ALMOST went home, so all was right with the world. But enough about them, it’s time for

SO DIVERSE!

TEAM UNITED COLOURS OF BENETTON

VS

SO WHITE!

TEAM URBAN OUTFITTERS

I’m so excited. Jessie J says she’s told her performers that their Voice experience is going to be “scary, but epic” (and that’s just Holly’s tits), and Danny is so proud, because his team doesn’t just have singers in it, but TRUE ARTISTS. (LOL. Team Danny are my favourite team, but the number of them who aren’t just impersonating someone or something else is…well…David, and he was still squeezed into a falsetto he couldn’t do this week like Jeremy Clarkson is squeezed into jeans).

IT’S ALL ABOUT

Ouch

FISTING! No, wait…THE VOICE! (Can I just say that this show has the worst theme tune of any reality show ever? It’s basically 10 seconds long and it goes “dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee dee dee, this is the voice”. It’s hardly “BOM BA DOM DOM BOM BOM BOM STRICTLY COME DANCING! (ba-ba-dadda-dum-dum) BOM DA DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM WITH ANTON DU BEKE! BOM BA DOM DOM BOM BOM BOM HOPE THERE’S NO RUMBAS! BOM BA DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM CAUSE THEY’RE REALLY DULL! NANCY’S A HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RATTA TATTA TATTA TESS CAN’T DRESS HERSELF! BOM BA DOM BOM BOM BOM BRUCE HAS GONE SENILE! BOM BA DOM DOM DOM DOM HOPE HE DOESN’T DIE!”

Or, you know, whatever you sing to the Strictly Theme Tune.

Here are your hosts.

*BOOB KLAXON*

And Reggie. They tell us that tonight we’re live, so we at home have the same powers as our SUPERSTAR COACHES! Oh sure, give us the same powers now not when they have the cool spinny chairs. Also, I checked during the show, and I did not inherit the power that Jessie J apparently has to hear Ruth-Ann sing in tune. Holly then defines for us what these powers are. They are

Hiya!

THE PASSION OF DANNY O DONOHUE!

INTEGRITY

THE INTEGRITY OF SANTORUM JONES!

What?

THE SUBTLTY OF JESSIE J!

Blabba labba HEY

THE COHERENCE OF WILLIAM!

(Not really, Jessie J has insight, and William has “soul in a bowl”. It’s hardly The Avengers is it? Also, did someone tell Jessie J it was fancy-dress this week, for a joke, a la Bridget Jones Diary? She appears to have come as “Orientalism”. Very high-concept fancy-dress party there).

Holly tells us that tonight that “the pressure shifts to Jessie J and Danny”. I thought the pressure was on them last week, when they had the onerous job of sitting there struggling to find anything nice about the noises Team Tom were producing? I’m so confused. [I think even Holly had given up pretending they were under any stress whatsoever by the results show. – Steve] Anyway, Reggie runs through how the show works (both teams sing, the public vote (during a smaller time-window than will later be afforded to Lana Del Duck doing her Doobie Duck Dance), the lowest two vote-getters from each team go into the Bottom Two, then the judges get to decide which one leaves, and which one gets to stay and circle the drain for another two weeks) and because there’s no amazing inappropriate COACH SING, designed solely so Him Off The Script gets to pretend to be Him Off The U2s for 5 minutes of his life, we have to sit through some boring questions.

Hey Danny, would you like your artists to start singing soon?

Danny replies that he would, and he’s so proud of their journey and how they’ve been themselves and how they’ve performed all week, and if they come out and are even 1% as good as they were in rehearsals that’s all he asks. Really? 1%? Really?

Hey Jessie, how have you prepared your Final Five for tonight?

You will be surprised to hear that she has “kept it real”. [Dressed like that, who does she think she’s kidding? – Steve, Who Has Officially Turned Into His Mother] She has prepared them for “the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful”. I wonder which one she’s counting herself as. You’ll also be pleased to hear that she crowbars in the word “journey” as well. In the case of Ruth-Ann, her journey round the edge of the bowl before dropping in.

Hey William, what are you going to be looking for tonight?

17 year old girls.

Hey Tom, how do you feel about doing some awkward homoeroticism wherein Reggie calls you a silver bear?

Ho ho

Yeah, sure, why not? INTEGRITY OF SANTORUM JONES!

Hey Viewers, want to see what’s happening in the V-Room, or as Chris is going to call it for the rest of the show, “Vagina Room”?

WOO!

You don’t give a shit? Ok, good, let’s move on, before Jessie J wets herself.

Oops

Oops, too late. Good job those seats are wipe-clean. First up for her team it’s Toni!

Toni!

You know, people say that contestants on this show have no future, but I’ve already spotted Toni making a cameo in another popular reality tv show,

DIDA

so I think she’ll be fine.

Anyway, yes, Toni is the beautiful bald woman who pulls the terrifying campy drag-queen faces when she performs, and hence is amongst my favourites. Subtlty? On this show? She recounts how she was really nervous before her audition, but then Jessie J turned around for her, and made everything alright. Who can forget the moment when she

TRIUMPHANT

RIPPED OFF HER HEAD-SCARF? Mostly because it was when we all realised that, no, really, this show is no different from X Factor. Now she’s riding high on a wave of confidence that she hasn’t felt since back in the days when she had hair and performed with her band

Hoo gurl...

Toni Warne & The Photofits. Jessie J recounts that she felt like Toni’s Battle Round was one of the best (also, BloodRayne is one of the best Uwe Boll films!), and Toni herself said she felt like a different person up there.

Eep

A different, more terrifying person.

But now it’s a new day, and time for training, on the Tina Turner classic “Proud Mary”. Now, I love Toni with all my heart, but if she doesn’t do Proud Mary arms at some point during this performance, I will not only vote for her elimination, I will vote for her disqualification. From all of the performing arts. Toni says that she loves Tina Turner, although not enough for her not to tell the pianist to add an (and I quote) “NOOO NOOO NOOO DO DO DO DOOOO”. Can you imagine Tina Turner doing a “NOOO NOO NOOO DO DO DO DOOOO”? I can’t. She also suggests they change the key which…(SPOILERS : MISTAKE). Jessie J interviews that’s she really glad that Toni has this new-found confidence, such to stomp all over classic standards, so confident that she is

Lois Lane is confused

going to take off her head-scarf EVEN IN REHEARSAL. I feel this disruption of the Clark Kent/Superman dichotomy she had going on is definitely why she wound up in the Bottom Two subsequently. Well, that and

Hi Cher's mum

this dress. And the fact that she appears to be singing the Alvin & Chipmunks version for most of the second half. It’s kind of sad, because most of the ways in which reality tv performances of “Proud Mary” go wrong is that the performers fail to match the energy of Tina Turner (see this performance which only happened just this week). Toni has the energy, in spades, but she sings “Proud Mary keep on burning” like she’s actually on fire. Like “Joan of Arc keep on burning”. It’s yelpy, and high-pitched and just weird. Also there are NO Proud Mary arms, and also she only does one set of “da doo doo doo doo”s so…yeah.

LAH
LAH
Dooo
ROWLIN!

At least she hasn’t lost the art of pulling ridiculous amazing faces.

All of the judges give it a standing ovation, although Jessie has to give Tom and Danny a particularly sharp glare before they do so. Holly tells Toni that her last note(/face) was particularly amazing(/terrifying) and Toni cackles that audience were amazing. Unfortunately she has shouted so loud she’s got her arm stuck in

LOL

Holly Valance LOLs position. I hope she gets a decent physio to look at that after the show is over. Holly asks Jessie if she is a “Proud Mary” or a “Proud Jessie”. Aren’t they the same thing? Jessie J says that she is indeed, very proud, and that Toni was all “hello song, I’m going to sing you, and it was great”. Duly noted.

Holly asks Tom how that compared to the real Tina Turner, and Tom replies that Tina has “her own thing”. Is it that she prefers Toffee Jammie Dodgers to the REAL THING? Come on Tom, don’t hold out, we want the full anecdote! Anyway Tom follows up by saying that Toni also has her own thing, and it is different from Tina’s thing, and it really impressed him that Toni had the guts to sing the song her way. Note he doesn’t say it was actually any good. Danny follows by saying sod Tina Turner, we’ve got

EH? EH?

TONI TURNER right here! In that that performance just turned him gay. (LOOK OUT ALEKS!) He loves her emotion, but he’d love to see her sing something a bit more maudlin and depressing, like Annie Lennox or kd lang. Yes, I know my love of Toni is the capacity for misery. Let’s have her put her head-scarf back on in the middle of a performance because she feels it just isn’t worth it any more. William closes by saying that Toni was “like zoom, then PHYOOM, then she launched off into outer space”. Thanks William. Holly asks Toni if she has anything to say back, and Toni says she’d just like say thank you to the most amazing band on tv.

STEPS! (Except that bitch Lisa Scott-Lee)

Next up, it’s Team Danny and Max!

Indie Baldwin

Doing a great impersonation of the lost 5th Baldwin Brother there. Danny says that he’s really happy he’s got Max because he sings, plays and writes his own stuff. SO! CREDIBLE! Danny says that in his audition he didn’t even think about the fact he was performing for four global superstars until William turned around in his chair and he realised that

So humble

OH MY GOD, HE TOTALLY WAS. Danny for his part says that when he turned around and saw Max with his hat and his guitar and his amp he thought

BINGO

BINGO! ALL ABOUT THE HAT! We’re taken briefly through his Battle Round victory against Bill Getting Married, which Max says he was really pleased to get through, possibly with his trousers on given how Paloma Faith was trying to choreograph it. Speaking of which, Danny clarifies why Max got through. It’s because in terms of performance, whilst he was “up here”, Bill was

meow

“down there”. I’ll have to rewatch that Battle Round, I don’t remember that bit (*fetches box of tissues*) (*FOR THE EMOTIONAL PERFORMANCE OBVIOUSLY*).

To the rehearsal room now, and it’s time for Danny to define his team’s ethos. He says it’s not a dictatorship, it’s a COLLABORATION. Because that’s the difference between a singer (*spit*) and an ARTIST (*jizz*) is that you can tell a singer what to sing, but you COLLABORATE with an artist. Oh FUCK OFF. This is the problem with the fact that Danny is the best of the mentors at this show – it’s mostly due to the fact that’s such a chin-stroking Radio 2 pseud. I think we all know what Danny means by “artistry”. It means

ARTIST

“plays the guitar”. [And “sometimes wears hats”. – Steve] Max continues this nonsense by saying that Danny is always “pushing me to be me”, and no, I just can’t, let’s just have Max be pretty and sing a song I quite like quite well.

OI MAX, WHERE'S YER HAT?

That’s better. I do notice that, for all the artistry Danny saw wrapped up in that Hipster Hat, it appears to have disappeared pretty sharpish once the public get a say. And he’s had a shave. Still, that ill-advised piercing that looks a bit like a tiny silver zit on his lips is still there, so he still has some artistic integrity left. He’s singing “Free Fallin'” by Tom Petty, which I only quite like because it’s one of those slightly gross love songs that’s written about a girl that sounds like she’s about 11.

Or, y’know, it’s about drugs, whatever, it’s Tom Petty, it’s probably somehow about drugs.

Anyway, Max does a quite nice, fairly straight version of it. In fact where he diverts from the original version is to make it less overblown and histrionic (without deadening or “Travis doing Hit Me Baby One More Time”ing it), which I guess makes it stand out, in a perverse sort of way. In the absence of people doing a really literal dance in the background, Danny has settled for an

OH NO, LOOK OUT MAX!

over-literal video-floor, of Max standing on a girder on the edge of (FREE) FALLING OFF DO YOU GET IT? As we’ll discover tonight, a large part of Danny’s “artistry” is LCD video-floors. Mid-way through he

*spanx*

spanks that guitar like it’s Twinings Tea’s arse. Where is she anyway? Are we expected to have forgotten about her?

Quite sweet, nothing earth-shattering. Danny’s so

Soproud

overcome by ARTISTRY that I’m surprised he didn’t give all his comments solely via guitar, without speaking. You can tell how he feels by how he’s STRUMMIN’. Oh, no, wait that’s with Aleks isn’t it? Never mind. Holly says that, whilst the song was called “Free Fallin”, she really loved the control. Also how he charged her £5 for some magic beans before it started. Max declares it “such fun”, like Miranda’s mother, says it was the best thing he’s ever done and then has a little

UNF

guitargasm at himself. Gross. He tells the audience they’re all amazing, then makes some more orgasm noises.

Danny praises Max for just coming out with a guitar and “doing himself”. Well, I think he would if he could. Danny was so impressed that he managed to get all four judges to stand up for a performance in which guitar string went out of tune. (SPOILERS : in about 10 minutes, two judges stand up for Ruth-Ann St. Luce, so this was at least TWICE as good). Danny closes by saying that it’s great that Max knows his own mind and his own talent, and if he’d found himself at this stage of the competition still teaching people how to sing and nurturing them, he wouldn’t have done his job properly. (Unless they’re Aleks obviously, and you solely put them through the last round based on how you could nurture them and make them grow (in their pants)).

William’s next and says he can imagine going to a Max concert, and he doesn’t say that about everyone. Just every Voice contestant, up to and including Mooleen. He also says that he thought Max had put his flanger on the guitar when it made that out-of-tune noise at the end. I’d pay to see that. That would be the APEX of Danny Artistry – sticking your flanger in a guitar. Next, Jessie J talks about how sometimes

POOP POOP

when she’s alone in her car, she pretends she’s in a film. Shanghai Surprise? Big Trouble In Little China? Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffanys? Anyway, Max’s performance reminded her of that. It felt like she was in a film, and her heart was really content. Danny decides to break in to say that “music can really open the imagination” and oh my GOD, WILL THE EANREST BOLLOCKS NEVER END? It doesn’t help that Max is going “oh THANK YOU, so MUCH” the whole time, all but doing Pamela Stephenson prayer-hands at them.

Tom closes by praising Max for injecting soul into a Tom Petty song, oooh, ahh, wow. I guess it makes a change from what’s normally injected in a Tom Petty song.

Next up, before Max can

Hoo hoo hoo!

actually expire from how pleased with himself he is, it’s RUTH-ANN!

...yay

Greeting her own arrival with the same enthusiasm as the rest of the nation there. We are reminded that Ruth-Ann has had two rounds so far, neither of which were shown on television outside of 5 seconds of her wailing out of tune. Jessie J defends her backing of Ruth-Ann on the grounds that she feels she teach her so much. Possibly about dealing with hostile members of the general public.

To training and

WHO YOU?

even Jessie J is looking at her like she doesn’t know why she’s there. To help Ruth-Ann win over the British Public, she’s selected a Cheryl Cole song for her to sing. That’s right, Jessie J is trying to win the BBC 1 Saturday Teatime audience round to someone by having them sing Cheryl Cole. Smooth. In rehearsals Ruth-Ann is still out of tune so Jessie J resorts to

Grrr
Arg

every trick in the book. Mostly the threat of physical violence and scary faces though. She even changes the lyrics of “Promise This” to “Promise this, CHANGE THE SHAPE OF YOUR MOUTH!”. I think those lyrics are actually better than the originals. Jessie J lies that Ruth-Anns voice is amazing, and she can do things with her voice that Jessie J couldn’t do at the age of 18 (is it “shut up”?), but she has to know that this is a dead loss right?

LAHHHHHHHH

Right. Not only is she doing a Cheryl Cole song, it’s been turned into a piano ballad. Brilliant. She manages to get through the first verse alright (ish) but other than that it’s the same old Ruth-Ann.

Ooof

Part of me was hoping in the back of my head that she’d prove all the haters wrong and come out and SMASH IT (to use modern reality tv speak) but…no transcending her storyline here. In a way I feel sorry for her, because they invited her into this mess, and I’m sure she can sing, because there’s the sign of a half-decent voice buried deep in there somewhere. But The Voice? No. Also the piano playing is truly horrific, and that solitary CANDLE OF LADY-BATHTIME-EMOTIONS just makes me giggle. She closes with a booty-tooch

HER BRITISH TOOCH IS MAJOR

before she snuffs it out.

*fuf*

Holly asks her how she thinks that went. She says that she thinks it went ok.

?

She thinks.

OK, I have a thing where I actually can’t watch hidden camera prank shows like Candid Camera or Trigger Happy TV or Balls Of Steel (although to be fair that’s just because that’s shit) because they make me feel physically nauseous with embarrassment for the poor people on them. Never have I felt that for a reality show contestant until this point. All of the judges tell her, in the nicest possible way, that that was kind of shit and she’s going home. Poor Ruth-Ann. Tom’s gives it the full Paula Abdul about how she’s only 18 years old, isn’t that GREAT, Danny’s advice is to drown herself out with a band, and William tells her that Jessie J has given her crap over-fussy coaching that has somehow made her even worse.

Grrr
Yerp

Jessie J flaps a bit, then mutters “there’s no point me talking, because my mic isn’t on”. It is.

Eeep

Next up, it’s HANNAH.

HANNAH!

She’s a cheerleader you know. Danny tells us that he loves Hannah because she’s got an amazing voice, she’s great looking, and she can move. Disabledist. Apparently record companies are scouring the country for people just like Hannah. I would suggest they throw a rock at Youtube, they’ll hit 5. Hannah reminds us that, yes, she is a cheerleader, but she also studies at Exeter University. Oddly enough, there’s a clear editing cut where the show slices out her saying what it is she studies. Hmm.

She tells us that it was only when watching her audition back that she realised how nervous she was. Mostly the bit where she sweated buckets, forgot her mother’s name, then pood herself a little bit.

HURR HURR HURR

Hannah says that she felt really bad about it afterwards, but she can’t be expected to remember her mother’s name (even though it’s Charlie Brown) because she always calls her “mam”. That and she’s a bit dim. We’re briefly reminded that she beat The Thing from the Fantastic Four at Battle Rounds, which Danny reveals was due to the act that she “owns the stage”. God you can tell the Tories are in power can’t you, overpriveleged Aryan white girls running every’ting with their daddy’s money.

What, not like that? Oh OK.

Hannah tells us that she’s been really busy this week, what with her first live tv performance being this week and also being invited to sing for her Majesty

*bows*

Floella Benjamin. Also some bitch in a hat, and her pervy husband who kept on trying to look up her skirt. Hannah says she is so honoured that she was asked to perform for Floella’s Showbiz Jubilee. 35 GLORIOUS YEARS. It’s a sad comedown to return to rehearsals and have Danny O’Whathisface teach her how to sin…

LAHHHH

I MEAN COLLABORATE WITH HER AS AN ARTIST, but she’ll muddle through somehow. Danny says that Hannah just has to be herself on stage, and she’ll knock everyone out with her performance.

Turns out the Hannah we’ve seen up to now is a LIE. The real Hannah is a

tch

Rude Gurl (*kisses teeth*), wining her waist

wine e wine

and dipping her crotch to a sleazy womp-womp version of “Cry Me A River” by Justin Timberlake, with about 10 seconds of “Cry Me A River” by Julie London bolted onto the beginning. The show will call this a mash-up. The show will be wrong. Vocally she’s pretty solid, but the staging is just funny. She’s accompanied everywhere by utterly inept dancers

flail
clump
tickle
derp

who don’t really seem to know what they’re doing most of the time, but they know it involves mostly lying down. Why you’d attempt to turn the sunny blonde cheerleader into a scorned bad girl I don’t know, but hey she’s in a category with 2 pretty boys, Matt Cardle and a publicity event horizon, so there’s probably nothing that would have saved her.

Holly tells us all to give it up for the Super Sexy Hannah. I might keep mine thanks Holly. She then asks Hannah which was scarier – singing for Floella Benjamin, or for all of her subjects? ALL of them Holly? All 135 million? (Although in a very real sense, the entire world are the subjects of Floella Benjamin). Hannah gives the wussy answer – “both”. They are both equally as scary, and equally as fun. Holly asks why she didn’t do that performance for the Queen and Hannah smirks that she bets Prince Phillip would have loved it.

*wink*

Hannah Calling Herself A Hot Piece Of Ass ❤

Danny starts by calling Hannah “rock royalty”. Ah, the requisite “turn the pretty girl into a rock chick to get her eliminated” trope. And this show says it’s not X Factor. Although I struggle to see what was “rock” about that performance. I guess they added guitar riffs to a pop song, which meets the Tulisa definition, and clearly that’s good enough for Danny. Danny then calls that performance a mash-up. Yet again, it wasn’t. He then says her brilliance was down to him telling her before she started to “do the best Hannah Berney you can be”

wha?

because seriously, the pappy self-help motivational bullshit never stops with this one.

William follows with some actual criticism, telling Hannah that whilst he “likes switch ups” (THE RUMOURS ARE TRUE!) she took too long to get comfortable with the second song after the transition. Maybe it’s because the choreography she got for the first part of the Justin Timberlake part was “constantly grind your vagina at the camera”. I know she’s a cheerleader, and she knows she’s a hot piece of ass, but that had to be awkward. Other than that though, it was both dope and brave.

Next up

TWO WHOLE MINUTES

TWO MINUTES OF THE SHOW is taken up by Jessie J going on an extended rant about how she hated the dancers. Personal highlights for me were :

Jessie J : “There was people CRAWLING on their HANDS!”
Tom : “Those were dancers, they were dancing”

Hannah : “As long as my voice was fine, I’m happy”
Danny : *claps like a simpleton*

Jessie : “There was a lot going on, shoes up in yourself, everyting”

Danny : “We’ve seen Hannah stand there and sing a song before”

Jessie : “PROGRESSION ISN’T DANCERS! PROGRESSION ISN’T DANCERS!”

Tom : “you don’t like dancers?”
Jessie : “I LIKE DANCERS!”

Jessie : “I’m here to be a coach! It’s my pinyun. I’m a titled.”

Holly just standing there, mouth hanging open, boobs half out, possibly dribbling out her mouth, apparently forgetting what her job is.

Tom closes by saying that Hannah is very pretty and he’d definitely do her, and also she’s Welsh, and that’s nice. He then tells her that she’s got a hell of a voice, then worries in an adorable old granddad way that he can’t say “hell” on the BBC. No, I think you’re fine with that one Tom. [I hope this encourages him to say “you’ve got a motherfucker of a voice” next week. – Steve] He was so mesmerised by her performance (and her boobs), he didn’t even notice that the dancers were there. Lucky him.

Next up, it’s our first visit to the

VAGINA-MAIL!

VAGINA ROOM! It’s time to have a quick chat with the people who’ve already performed, just so the people who’ve just tuned in from the FA Cup know who they’ve missed/dodged. Reggie tells Toni that she “opened it all up tonight”. Well in that dress it was hard not to. He asks her what that was like, and she says it was “electrifying”. That would explain some of the noises. Ruth-Ann and Reggie then have a little discussion about how shy she was. And if she wasn’t before, she will be after this whole 7-week traumatising experience. We then move on to Max, and Reggie asks him why he looked so shocked when the crowd cheered him, and Max replies that he wasn’t really shocked because he was just vibing off the crowd/(because he’s a bit of a phony and was hamming it up). Then Hannah Berney walks in and Reggie gets everyone to “do the Hannah Berney”, and I’m reminded that I like Max a lot more when

WINE-E-WINE-E-WINE

he doesn’t speak. (Yes I do think he’d keep hold of his guitar during sex, why do you ask?)

Next up, it’s VINCE!

VINCE!

He’s turned up to remind us of his journey dressed as a

BAM BAM

minor Flintstones character. And good for him. He tells us that he was really scared during his audition, because he felt really vulnerable. Probably because this was the point in his X Factor journey when Simon Cowell took him and the rest of Futurepoof round the back of his trailer and made them [JOKE REMOVED ON BLOG-LAWYER’S ADVICE]. Jessie J gushes that she was so excited to hear him sing “Like A Virgin” because that’s a song you’d never expect to hear a man sing. Apart from all gay men. And Jim Broadbent in Moulin Rouge. But other than that.

In his Battle Round we’re reminded that Vince knocked out…one of the thirty or so teenage girls who wrote songs about horses in their bedrooms, I dunno. Jessica? Carrie? Lizzie? One of those. He said he momentary misgivings, but then got over them.

In his rehearsal, we learn that Vince will be singing “Always On My Mind” by Elvis Presley. Jessie J is

*BRACE*

already bracing herself for Tom’s anecdotes. Maybe that was her plan with that whole two-minute monologue about the evils of dancing that she lifted from John Lithgow’s character in Footloose. Maybe she was trying to make sure there wasn’t time for him to waffle on about he and Elvis went to Benidorm one time and saw a zebra right there in the street, bold as you like. Good luck with that Jessie. Vince waffles on about how he’s going to put his own edgy modern spin on the TRUE ICON that is Elvis Presley. Jessie J for her part says she’s all in favour of an artist grabbing something, twisting something, and making it their own.

Oh sure, but when a member of the public tries that you slap them with a restraining order. FAMOUS PEOPLE, EH?

We close with a bit of Jessie J “mouth-shape” coaching, of the kind that worked so well for Ruth-Ann. Jessie tells Vince that if he opens his mouth really, really wide, it will allow more volume to come out. Yes but it will also make you look like an

AHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHH
ERRRRRRGH

utter nob, so you have to balance these things out. Speaking of which

Hmmm

this is a…unique sense of style isn’t it?

So he’s singing the Vince Kidd version of “Always On My Mind” which is very much “his version” in the same way that “Like A Virgin” was, in that it’s utter filth. And to his credit, it’s disgusting and nasty in a very different way, in that instead of soft-porn womp-womps it’s got kind of…dinosaur-grunt sex-noises interspersed through it for no reason? Also it’s filth “in a different way” in that it’s uniquely unpleasant to listen to. Also,

Too Much

there’s just too much armpit going on. Too much. The falsetto parts are better than the bits that aren’t falsetto, which are the better than the bits done where he’s trying to sound like Hexus from Ferngully. Why you’d want to do that in the first place is up to you to decide.

Vince tells Holly that that was CRAZY. Holly asks why it was CRAZY. Vince replies that it was CRAZY because there was an audience there. Good to know. Anyway, it was amazing to be part of The Voice, never rest at any level other than assured of that. Holly asks Jessie how it feels to have an artist that “turns everything he touches into Vince Kidd”. Well now that sounds like a euphemism. Jessie J says that she doesn’t call him Vince Kidd because that’s “weird”, and that she just wants to make it clear that Vince produced that himself.

Hi Gok : How To Look Good Naked Was Dope

I’ll bet he did. Meanwhile William is sending a DM to Gok Wan. Jessie J says she’s really glad that Vince brought two worlds together, and she was happy for him, hooray.

Tom follows, and he tells an anecdote about how he saw Elvis sing that live (really? you saw Elvis perform that live? With the falsetto and the sludge-voice and the armpit? Really?) and Jessie J grins

THAT'S NICE, DEAR

“of course you did!” in a way that I’m sure she didn’t mean to sound as sarcastic as it comes out. Tom schools us that Elvis Presley did cover versions as well, and he made them his own, just like Vince Kidd does. In fact that song isn’t even an Elvis original. The Pet Shop Boys did it first, I believe. *nods solemnly*

Danny also is in love with Vince Kidd, and tells him that his voice is “unnatural”. Well that’s one word for it. He tells Vince that he too think Vince “made that his own”. (Sidenote : cats make things their own by pissing on them, juss sayin). William closes by saying “wowsers, those are pretty dope trousers”. Thanks William. Holly then gazzumps him by saying “wowsers, in your trousers, get yourself off”.

Now there’s an image I need. Definitely.

Next up, it’s ALEKS.

SHY BOY ALEKS

HE SO SHY! Alexandra Burke blarps “Bad Boys” all over the top of his intro which…yes, I’m sure this is who she had in mind when singing that. Danny says that Aleks has one of the best ars…I mean voices of all the teams, and that he really could be one to look out for. We then see him at work as a lifeguard

I'LL BE READY!

but he’s not in Speedos or nuffin, so really, what’s the point? Reggie puns on the voiceover that Aleks was a FISH OUT OF WATER at the auditions as, guess what, he was NERVOUS as well. Aleks says that he was so pleased that someone turned round that he started spontaneously dancing, and he doesn’t normally dance. Yeah, you can tell. We’re then reminded that in the Battle Round he defeated

BOO BOO BOO

EVIL BITCH-FACE EMMY J CLOWN-WHORE (*boo hiss*) Danny says that he could tell that Aleks lost his nerve during the battle, but he could tell that, under Danny’s mentorship(/duvet) he could really shine.

In rehearsals, we find out that he’s going to be singing “Dream A Little Dream” by Mama Cass. Aleks nervouses that he really wants to show the public what he can do, because he doesn’t think he’s really done his best yet. Danny agrees, and says that he’s really excited, because he doesn’t think that Aleks’ performances so far have showcased the real him. Anyone want to know what the real Aleks Josh is? Let’s find out!

Beh

It’s a second-rate Michael Buble! Well he’s won then. Might as well cancel the rest of the show. I’m really trying not to have a visceral negative reaction to this, because I’m one of the few people who would have put Aleks through over Emmy J on performance last time not just cause he’s cute and vulnerable but jeez :

a) I don’t like swing music
b) I like swing music even less when it has no swing to it whatsoever
c) He sounds like he’s drunk
d) He sounds like he’s drunk and he’s bitten his tongue
e) He sounds like he’s drunk and he’s bitten his tongue whilst eating a large quantity of peanut butter
f) He sounds like he’s drunk and he’s bitten his tongue whilst eating a large quantity of peanut butter in the middle of a Marlon Brando impression
g) There is zero emotion to it
h) He is vamping out his “vulnerability” like Puss In Boots in Shrek 2
Jesus
Christ
i) That suit [[small voice]I liked his suit.[/small voice] – Steve]

Holly greets him to her bosom by saying “I don’t know about DREAM a little dream, you ARE a little dream”. Excuse me whilst I puke up a little. The audience all go “awwwwwwww” as I feel the granny vote rev up to ruin yet another reality show I was sort of enjoying, kind of, maybe, in the bits where none of Team Tom were performing. Danny starts the comments by saying that there’ll be a lot of girls out there “dreaming a little dream” of Aleks tonight. Just like Danny did. Sadly that duvet was beyond a wash afterwards, it needed to be BURNT.

Mm'hmm

Seriously, I wish they’d mic’d up that double bass player. I bet she whispered “think of all the pussy you’re going to get” into his ear at the end. Danny thinks it’s very brave for any young 17 year old to come out and sing swing music. Because that’s not at all a thing they do(*cough*Leon Jackson Ray Quinn Afro Ashley*). Seriously Robbie Williams did swing. WESTLIFE DID SWING. IT’S NOT HARD. He then starts talking about how he took his magic key and used it to unlock Aleks, and I think we all know the subtext I’m going with there don’t we? He closes by giving notice that he’s going to turn Aleks into Jamie Cullum or “a Young Rat Pack”.

STEVE! CAN WE SWAP WHICH GROUPS WE’RE RECAPPING? STEVE? STEVE! [Sure, but that means you get Mooleen. Is it really worth the sacrifice? – Steve]

William then follows up with a knock knock joke. :

Is a joke

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

Is a joke, Holly

“Michael Buble. (*pause*) Michael Buble. (*pause*) Erm…Michael Buble (*pause*) (*Holly giggles*). MICHAEL BUBLE (*pause*) FOR FUCK’S SAKE HOLLY, DO THE…”

“Michael Buble Who?”

IS A JOKE, HOLLY

“EXACTLY!”

All applaud Master William for his drollery. Also, if only. This was like last week when I was promised a performance that would make me forget Adele, and it never happened. Jessie J follows, saying she liked how comfortable Aleks was, but she would like to see something moving forward that was a little bit less obvious in the genre. Yes Jessie, I’m sure you would, because then he might not win. As it is, he’ll be singing Moondance in two weeks time and the nation’s panties will be a popping. Danny protests that he was just easing Aleks in gently (I’ll bet) then Jessie just says that Aleks is looking “mighty fly” to get Danny to shut up, and Danny does full on Quagmire “GIGGITY-GIGGITY” nosies and

GIGGITY GIGGITY GOO

this face.

Tom closes by saying it was too much like Michael Buble for him, but he thinks Aleks sang it better. It is fully in Tom’s opinion that you should take a song and flip it, like he did when he did “Burning Down My Horse” with The Cranberries. Lovely Finnish girl he did that with. He had her and everythin, it were lovely. Danny protests again that he was just easing Aleks onto his new direction (feel free to pronounce that however you like) and just you wait until you see how Aleks performs next week.

You know, when he’s not scheduled to perform on the show. Is Danny planning to release a tape? [Why not? It worked for Tulisa. – Steve]

Next up? It’s CASSIUS!

CASSIUS

Oozing personality as ever. Cassius tells us that when the judges turned their chairs around during his blind audition it was actually off-putting. Yeah, those purple tips Jessie J stuck in her hair were kind of distracting.

*dip*

Cassius tells us that the one judge he really wanted to turn round was Jessie, and he definitely definitely wouldn’t be saying anything different if she hadn’t turned and he’d been stuck with Tom, definitely not. We’re also reminded that his Battle Round with that guy who liked to sing on the loo was the dullest thing served up for entertainment on Sunday Night BBC One, even that Countryfile where they talked about tree bark for 60 minutes.

To rehearsals now, and Jessie J mentions that Cassius has stopped his night-shifts on the Underground to focus on the competition. Well no wonder he always looked so sleepy. Also, why are they just mentioning this NOW? I want to see lots of sad shots of him cleaning up sick and waking up drunken hipsters who are then really racist to him, all whilst Ed Sheeran plays on the soundtrack and he LOOKS SAD. Jessie J says that, freed of the shackles of employment, Cassius looks bright-eyed, enthusiastic, and ready for anything. So she’s going to wreck that by making him sing

YAY

Coldplay. What a happy face. He says he’s really glad that Jessie picked that song for him, because nobody would expect him to do it. Well by that token, why not do Blitzkrieg Bop, really push the boat out?

He starts off trying to sing the song, and Jessie J is enraptured, playing along with operatic accompaniment and invisible violin playing.

NEE NEE NEE NAWWW

Which sort of looks like she’s miming slitting her wrists. Well…it is Coldplay. She’s so happy that Cassius is getting to climb out his R & B Box on national tv. Anybody else want to watch?

Here’s Cassius inside his R & B Box

R & B

WEARING A HOODIE! Here’s Cassius outside his R & B Box

NOT R & B!

THE HOODIE IS GONE! It’s such a moving transformation isn’t it? It’s not bad stuff for the novelty of somebody singing Coldplay with a “modern soul” sort of voice but…the reason you don’t see that more often is that it doesn’t really bear much weight. The song’s so slight it needs a warm and sentimental sort of voice to round it out, and it just leaves Cassius sounding a bit tinny and thin. Also, he goes off the melody a few times and it doesn’t seem like he’s experimenting with it so much as he just…forgets it, like when you don’t know the tune to a bit in a song you’re singing at karaoke and just bluff through it by saying the words roughly at the tempo of the song. Still, THE HOODIE CAME OFF. Let’s hope the same can be true for BROKEN BRITAIN eh lads?

Once he’s done, Holly gushes that all four judges are ON THEIR FEET. Yet another performance at least twice as amazing as Ruth Ann. Although I notice that Danny is reluctant to stand for ALL of Jessie’s acts. SABOTAGE. Cassius says “thank you” far too many times, and comes the closest any contestant has come yet to falling into the Black Hole that is

WOMP WOMP WOMP

Holly’s Willoboobies.

Jessie starts and guess what? She thought that Cassius took a risk, flipped it, and made that song his own. She knows that Cassius loves her as much as she loves him, and she’s so proud of him for emerging as the artist she always knew he was. As she says all this, Cassius is drawn

Neeeeeee

ever closer, like the Titanic towards the icebergs. Danny follows, saying that he really liked that Cassius flipped it and he thought that his vocals were flawless and amazing. He would however, have liked Cassius to have worked the stage a bit more, like Chris Martin does. To be fair Danny, there wasn’t a piano around for him to shag. At this point, Holly is actually

GET IN THERE

pushing his head towards them. It’s like one of those awful, vaguely misogynistic fairy tales where, if he looks at them, he will be forced to marry her, and also she will turn into an ogre.

William follows, and says that Coldplay did a cold, cool version of that song, which is called “Paradise”. William remembers the last time he saw a brutha sing a song with the word “Paradise” in it was Coolio, and it was called Gangsta’s Paradise, and now he thinks that Cassius has also done a gangsta Paradise.

TAH DAH

TA-DAH! Oh William. YOU AND YOUR JOKES. We don’t ask for Tom’s opinion because let’s face it, Cassius is about to

strong gravitational pull

vanish into those ooga-da-booga-das and never return, unless we get a move on.

Next up, it’s

WILLIAM!

oh, if only. Instead it’s just a VT saying that next week, Team Tom will perform a song with Tom, and Team William will perform a song with William. Tyler says that he never thought he’d be singing with William. Well, why would he? Team Tom also look like they’re

Woo!

well into it. Joelle promises that Team William are going to give a BOOM BOOM POW performance. I hope that means they are actually going to sing “Boom Boom Pow”. To be fair, I’d rather see Team Tom singing it. Mostly for Mooleen complaining that some chickens are jackin’ their style and trying to copy their swagger. MOOLEEN SO 2008, YOU SO 2000 AND LATE.

Next up, and for real this time, it’s DAVID!

That's his name

Danny says that David is the least experienced on his team, and some might see that as a risk, but Danny sees that as him having no boundaries. Really? David is the least experienced on his team? What sort of experience is Danny talking about that David has less than Alek…oh. Bad Danny, bad bad Danny. Anyway, Soulful Virgin (what, Danny outed him, not me) David says that he’s used to being the person watching telly, but now he’s ON IT. When he heard about The Voice he decided he was going to do everything he could to get on. Quit his job, sell his house, dump his girlfriend, cut off all contact with his family, donate both his kidneys. Danny told him he didn’t have to, but HE JUST WANTED IT SO MUCH.

He was worried it would be a risk auditioning with one of the judges’ songs, but then it turned out that all these judges are

THAT'S MY SONG I HEAR!

massive narcissists, so it all worked out. Then we’re reminded that he did the Battle Rounds and was really good, but I was so ground down by the Battle Rounds by that point that I didn’t even care. Sorry for my dereliction of blogging duties. I will try not to pack up halfway through Bo this week, I promise. We close our recap of his Battle Round with Danny saying that David has an astonishing range for a male singer. Well I think well know what that means…

OH DEAR

ILL-ADVISED FALSETTO O’CLOCK.

Yes, Danny has him singing “Sweet Disposition” by The Temper Tramps. They’re like, a really obscure band and I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them, but I’m so glad a reality show is finally recognising their years of work. You’d never hear them on X Factor. Well, maybe in an ad break, advertising a car or a woman’s deodorant or something. Danny warns David that not a lot of people can sing this song, like it’s the TANGO DE LA MUERTE or something. David laughs in interview that he’s not done anything safe so far, so why start now. He says this whilst wearing

Plaid

plaid.

To the stage and

Pitter patter

it’s raining. Don’t worry though, Danny has got a whole fleet of

Wheee

FLYING UMBRELLAS. Presumably to distract from the fact that David cannot do this falsetto bit at the beginning. Not even a little bit. Not even a line. And he’s trying really hard, and it’s really really awkward. But then he gets to the main song and it’s kind of awesome?

Yay!

It’s like sitting through some awkward, fumbling, toothy foreplay to get to the end of this unpleasant metaphor I wish I hadn’t started. Ahem. Also there some more amazing CGI video-floor work as David KICKS at the video-screen rain and it splashes everywhere. Well played Danny, well played. Just no falsetto from this one in future, I beg of you.

Everyone jumps to their feet,

Yay!

some people more obnoxiously than others. Holly jokes that there’s a hole in her roof that needs fixing. I bet there is. Danny, by the way, is still on his feet, because he’s so proud that David quit his job to do this show. What a message to be sending. Danny applauds David for taking a song that he hadn’t even heard of over a week ago (IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE SO COOL DANNY. VERY FEW PEOPLE HAVE HEARD OF THE TEMPER TRAMPS!) and made it his own. Danny would have thought David wrote the song himself. If he did, he probably wrote it for somebody else given that falsetto part. He tells David that he did all the people back in Manchester proud. Earlier he told Hannah that she did all the people in Wales proud. Notice nobody ever says to any of the Midlands contestants that they did all the people back home in the Black Country proud. It’s because they know we don’t give a shit.

MIDLANDS PRIDE!

William’s critique? “Habbaja nambla zulema

Oh

imlike glowma slowmomale

William

OH!” Thanks William. Truly the Bruno Tonioli of The Voice. Jessie J then jokes that, given the staging, she thought he was going to sing “Umbrella” by Rihanna, and William breaks out of his incoherence to say that he agrees. I love that the judges pay even less attention to the VTs than I do. They ask why there were umbrellas out there and Danny explains that it is “staging, to look good for the tv”. THANKS DANNY! Tom closes for the judges by shouting “LONG LIVE CURLY HAIR!” and giving a little salute.

Woo!

God, it’s like the ’68 Mexico Olympics all over again. SAY IT LOUD! HE’S CURLY AND PROUD!

Next up, it’s BECKY!

I'M HANDY!

And she’s got a weapon. You know, her voice and that. Not a knife. Probably. We’re reminded that Becky is an

Grrr

ANGRY YOUNG WOMAN who sits in her room being ANGRY and playing her guitar in an ANGRY way. Probably singing this. She wants The Voice to make her more professional. I don’t. [Me neither. WE LOVE YOU LYNDA BELLINGHAM BECKY HILL, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! – Steve] We’re reminded of her audition, singing “Ordinary People” (although not as well as the amazing Jaz sang it, but who could ever sing anything that amazingly?) and Becky says she thought she was going home, so she was so glad when people turned round for her. I’m weighing up whether I was, because whilst I love Becky, her voice isn’t anything major and the scene if she’d been turned down would have been like the end of Carrie.

We’re then reminded of her Battle Round and that it was a battle

D'oof

only in the sense that Becky is always battling against her RAGING HORMONES, because let’s face it The Indie-Pixies had less business winning that then I do being Heavyweight Champion of the World.

To rehearsals now, and Jessie J tells her that the song that she thinks Becky is going to SMASH is… all of them? No, it’s “Good Luck” by Basement Jaxx. Becky is very pleased, and says “cool” three times. Probably because it is an ANGRY SONG of ANGER. The mentoring session begins with the following amazing exchange :

Jessie : “have you warmed up?”

Ermmm...

Becky : “…a little bit…”
Jessie : “you haven’t warmed up have you?”
Becky : “no”

Amazing. Becky starts doing vocal warm-ups and then pisses herself laughing at all the stupid faces Jessie is pulling.

Tee hee

Also amazing. Becky then caps off this rehearsal session by gushing

ROFL

“I’M A JESSIE J FAN-GIRL! UHHH! UHHH!” What an Entertainment Force. Between Vince and Becky and Mental Toni with the funny faces, I may not like Jessie J’s team’s performances the most, but in terms of personality, they’ve got me sold.

Jessie J says that Becky reminds her a lot of herself at 17 (JESUS CHRIST, IS THERE ANYBODY ON THIS SHOW WHO DOESN’T REMIND THESE MENTORS OF THEMSELVES WHEN THEY WERE SEVENTEEN) but she thinks her happy-go-lucky nature is covering up nerves and insecurities, so she really wants Becky to focus. I’ve got a feeling Jessie J is about to pump this girl full of Ritalin. NO JESSIE J! LET HER BE HERE! FOR THE TWO WEEKS SHE’S GOT LEFT UNTIL SHE’S KICKED OFF!

Here she is singing “Good Luck”.

Grrr

I don’t think it’s angry enough. To be fair, Jessie J has got her singing a nice slowed-down tasteful bit at the beginning, rather than launching right into the fist-pumping and the stomping and the defiance but…who wants tasteful from Becky Hill? I WANT HER TO GOB RIGHT IN TOM JONES’ FACE! I mean she’s still

Qu'est que-ce?
FAH FAH FAH FAH FAH FAH FAH FAH FAH

kind of a psycho-killer, but it’s not enough. And by the time she gets to the fast part, that giant microphone cord has taken on a life of its own, and is trying to choke audience members in the front row to death, so most of Becky’s time is spent wrangling it. Or maybe this IS Becky’s Carrie moment and her period-rage is manifesting via staging. The vocals from that point onwards are…yeah. There are nice bits and that’s all I’m saying lest she telekinetically propel a fire extinguisher into my forehead.

Three of the judges stand up immediately, and the air of

*shrug*

“oh fuck it, FINE THEN, I’M STANDING UP, WOO YEAH, BECKY HILL ETC!” from William is worth watching this performance again alone.

Once Holly drags her off from alligator-wrestling with the mic-cord she tells Becky that must have been AMAZING! JUST LIKE HAVING HER OWN CONCERT! THAT MUST BE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR HER! Becky’s response? “Probably, yeah”.

Jessie J starts for the judges by saying that, guess what, Becky made that song her own.

Mmmm hmmm

I hope William giving her that side-eye means he’s as bored of that as I am. Tom says that the poor girl looks puffed out, probably from running up and down stairs all performance. He would be too if he’d done that. And he didn’t have one of those special lifts installed. When he talks about transition songs in his sets nowadays, he means the ones he sings in the time it takes for him to get from the bottom step to the top. If he goes at a fair clip, he can fit both Delilah and The New Young Mexican Puppeteer in there. Becky’s so tired that

*zoom*

she is powerless to resist Holly’s Boobs. Such a sad loss. By the end of William’s comments you can just see her two feet dangling out the top of the cleave. Tom then calls her a modern Janis Joplin. [Like this? – Steve] Oh isn’t everyone?

Danny’s next, and he praises Jessie for all the work she’s done on Becky’s personality. He loved that she worked the stage, and really brought her A-Game tonight. He think she’s totally safe, and Becky gruffs “I hope so”. So do I.

William closes by praising Becky for her really brave performance. Not because of the song, not because she was one of the few contestants who even tried to go up-tempo, it was because of that

DAMN YOU MIC-CORD!

FUCKING MIC-CORD! Becky’s all

WTF?

I KNOW RIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT? Becky and William bond beautifully over the fuckery that was her mic-cord, and how it made her go out of tune and

Erp

almost die from falling off the stairs. Holly reads out Becky’s phone-number, whilst Becky grunts “DO I GO THAT WAY?” over the top. So glad that she got Jessie’s half of the Pimp Slot. So glad.

Last up, for Team Danny it’s BO!

Bo!

The face of Bo in fact. It’s ageless and alien and apparently it used to be John Barrowman. Danny says that she has the most unique voice in the competition. I always love how “the most unique voice” on any of these shows ends up meaning “the most compared to Diana Vickers”. Even when it’s a man. Diana Vickers is like the EVENT HORIZON of uniqueness. She’s where uniqueness and ubiquity collapse inwards together into their own Hell Dimension. Anyway Bo says she’s been banging away at this “trying to be famous” thing for 10 years now, and she feels like she’s always got tastes but never the full experience.

Can you imagine what a Villain Edit Bo would get if she’d made it onto X Factor? The thought just crossed my mind and I had to have a little lie-down.

Danny says that at the auditions he heard Bo’s “sonic fingerprint” (is that that thing ET did?) and then at Battle Rounds he chopped Vince Whatshisname’s hand off to avoid him interfering in any way with Bo’s Sonic Fingerprint, so here she is now. He’s looking forward to being in the rehearsal room with her. He’s the only one.

Bo tells us all

So subdued

looking the least overstyled she’s ever looked, that she’ll be singing a Kate Bush song on the live shows – “Running Up That Hill”. Hey Gif Kate Bush, someone’s singing one of your songs on The Voice.

UNF UNF UNF

It’s Bo Bruce.

UFF

Thanks Gif Kate Bush.

Bo tells us all that it’s a really BIG song, and also that she really really identifies with the lyrics. Well…ok. The song’s about asking God to swap Kate’s gender with a man so she can truly appreciate a man’s emotional state and perspective and the man can really appreciate a woman’s. Maybe Bo’s a giant Radical Feminist? I guess at least she’s not saying she really identifies with the lyrics to “The Kick Inside”. In rehearsals, Bo has a bit of a *moment* and wobbles a bit, and Danny tells us all that Bo is going some things that she’d never tell the public but guess what? He’s about to :

*boo hoo*

HER MUM’S REALLY SICK EVERYONE, SURPRISE! *cry cry cry* Well that was naff as anything. He then talks about how he really hopes the country is ready to see an artist who is really able to bare their soul/have their mentor spill their private business all over tv. I mean…I’m sure he got her permission but still. That felt invasive.

Guess what?

Bo Livingstone I presume

THE VIDEO WALL’S BACK! Bo Bruce is…in the jungle for some reason? Personally I would have liked if the video wall had malfunctioned at some point and just played Pac-Man, complete with WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA sound-effects. The performance itself is ok, if a bit subdued. I guess it’s a bit like the problem I generally have with Tina Turner performances (as mentioned at the beginning of this recap, four years ago). It’s just that I don’t have as many points of comparison with Kate Bush reality show performances. Except for people imitating the nonsense that is Maxwell’s version of “This Woman’s Work” which…let’s not go there, this recap almost finished without me popping a vein. It’s very tasteful, she completely ignores that “LET’S EXCHANGE THE EXPEEEEEEEEERIENCE!” bit where Kate’s voice goes all mental and intense and masculine and she kind of

*DERP*

finishes on a derp face.

Now do “Sat In Your Lap”.

Holly tells Bo that she was really “singing her life” there, and says she’s going straight to Danny. He is of course

siddown!

still standing up, because he already did that for David, and otherwise what’s a Pimp Slot for? He tells Bo she’s why he came on the show – to find an artist willing to bare their TRUE SOUL to the world. Because that is what art is. Art is (*fast forward*)

Oh sorry, did you want to hear a dissertation on a dumb Saturday Night reality game show for a contract with Universal Records about “what art is”? It’s on iPlayer if you do. William follows up by telling her that The Voice UK is a really great show, and what they’re all singing for is a chance to represent “this beautiful country of yours”. [At Eurovision? – Steve] Bo’s face is PURE

?

“I still get the cheque at the end though, right?”. Jessie J follows by saying that she was ready to get up before the song had even finished. I presume she means to cheer and clap and do a pointless Standing Ovation right? On the other hand, it HAS been a long show. Tom closes by saying that he tells all of his acts that if there’s anything going on in their lives bothering them, to use it when they sing, and not keep it closed in and destroy their voice and make it close off.

Poor pussy

Also if they’ll let the BBC film their sick cat with the IV actually sticking out of its paw, that’d be GREAT as well. He congratulates Bo on turning her personal pain into a great performance. Danny From The Script then breaks in to tell me to go and write a poem. Bite me, Danny From The Script. [You’ll have to get in line behind Aleks. – Steve]

It’s time for one last check-in at the Vagina Room before the phone-lines open.

Woot

Put it away Vince. Reggie asks him where his nerves went, and he says that the audience gave him a shot of adrenaline that carried him through. I guess it also helps that he clearly is incapable of feeling shame. Cassius is asked what it was like sing a Coldplay song EVEN THOUGH HE IS BLACK or words to that effect. Cassius is glad, because he likes doing unexpected things, and he was worried that people might put him in a box. No, that’s the staging for your semi-final performance Cassius. You’re going to be a sexy vampire. Becky talks some more about her travails with the mic cord, and mimes snagging it on something that kind of

Friggit

looks a bit like she’s wanking herself off. Hooray! She says she had lots of fun spotting her family in the audience though, and she’s really enjoying sitting next to/on top of Cassius now.

Reggie asks Aleks to describe how he felt about that bass player in one word. He grunts “FIT!”. What a charmer. Reggie tells David that he sang one of his favourite songs of all time this week (YAY! ANOTHER TEMPER TRAMPS FAN! I BET NOBODY ON BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT HAS EVEN HEARD OF THEM, LET ALONE DOWNLOADED ALL THEIR SONG LIKE I HAVE! Hearing it on Radio 2 counts as downloading right?), so is he going to take any other risks next week? David promises to shave his head and sing the Hokey Pokey. Yet again, David isn’t scheduled to perform next week, so I don’t doubt it. Bo wanders in, and Reggie doesn’t ask her anything. Nor does he read any narcissistic tweets off the Vagina Wall. You know, I think if they keep this down to two visits a show, I might learn to not hate it.

Holly recaps all the performances. And that’s it. Hooray!


18 thoughts on “The Voice – Episode 9 (Team Jessie vs Team Danny)

  1. rodneyandsteptoe

    For fans of Father Ted, did the dialogue between Jessie and Becky sound a little like Father Ted and Dougal? Ted/Jessie: “Have you warmed up?”, Becky/Dougal: “A little bit”…

    Reply
  2. Allgrownup

    I think I’m kinda in love with Becky GRRR! SMASH! Hill. She keeps it real *earnest coach face* without flipping it (/the bird)….yet etc etc *insert more earnest cliches here*

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I cannot believe that someone as raw and amazing as that actually got on the show. I want that “I GET angry, SCREAM THE OWSE DOWN, and then I WONDER WHY I DO IT” clip played on a loop at my funeral.

      Reply
  3. Carl

    I enjoy Vince more after reading your recap (perhaps because I don’t have to hear the attempts at some type of “cool” accent), but my main complaint with artists like Vince or Bo is I don’t feel any emotion in their performances. I spent most of Vince’s performance thinking that he was trying to do those old Lauryn Hill grunts, and how when I was done I was going to go listen to some of Miseducation and wonder why it can’t be 1998 again. Bo disappoints me because she seems like someone who would feel a song, and yet she just sort of rushed through “Running Up That Hill,” not playing the pain in the words and instead just doing some type of vocal trick. And then I have to go and hear the usual fan comments of “This is better than Kate Bush!” which always seems to follow Kate Bush, as so many like to pretend that Maxwell went back in time and wrote and recorded “This Woman’s Work” exclusively (the last time I heard a show use and respect her version was, of all places, Emmerdale). None of the singers on here seem to break that wall.

    When I see Becky and Cassius together they look like Antony Trueman and Laura Beale from Eastenders (Antony always had that same terrified look on his face around the Slaters). I keep expecting Janine to show up, push Becky down the stairs, and walk away, chuckling. When I heard the song Becky was going to do, I was excited, because I remember that from the Queer Eye for a Straight Guy soundtrack (which is actually very good!). I just didn’t think she added anything. It’s like when they have “rockers” sing I Love Rock N Roll.

    I don’t understand who puts that Joker lipstick on Hannah and Jessie J. They look like the female Gremlin in Gremlins 2.

    When I first saw David Jennings or Julien I just focused on the bad hair, which looks like Darlene’s boyfriend on Roseanne, but like you said, he really impressed me as his song went along. I wasn’t sure whether his falsetto was bad or good, because all falsetto sounds bad to me.

    Is it me or do Max, Tom from the Apprentice, and Matt Di Angelo all blur into one person, with a dash of Nathan Wylde from Emmerdale. Max seems both sweet and smug, which just confuses the audience, and that probably isn’t a good thing. I thought he did a good job but it’s not a memorable song.

    Toni was dressed like she was preparing for the mating-with-Stephen-Collins sequence in the first Star Trek movie. Did she have mic problems or is she just that shrill?

    If Jessie J only brought Ruth Ann on as some type of attempt at martyrdom (she tried so hard to make Ruth Ann sing on key!), then that’s sad. I’m just glad to have learned that she didn’t intend to wear that hideous outfit and had a dress which she couldn’t wear.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      My favourite inappropriate use of “This Woman’s Work” was on Extras, where Ricky Gervais appeared to be saying that “this woman’s work” was being a cleaner.

      Reply
  4. Left Feet

    I have enjoyed the show up until the live rounds but really that is where the Voice has been found wanting in that none of the panel except Danny are comfortable on live TV. Will was the star of the pre recorded rounds but you can see the cogs moving everytime he speaks. Jessie can’t seem to put a sentence togethor and Sir Tom looks completely lost.
    All these people are performers but as the X factor proved last year with its new panel its does not mean you are able to speak on live TV.
    All the contestents can sing to a degree, but for me the live shows don’t have the drama of the pre recorded blinds and battles.
    The ratings are still good and I’ll still rather watch it then the end of the pier awfulness of the other side but they have a lot of work to do and perhaps personnal changes for next year.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Tom hasn’t looked comfortable at any stage of the process really. I know he’s the biggest “name” but given that he’s not great on tv and he’s picked the worst crop of acts, if there were any personnel changes he’d be first on the list. The last thing the show needs is a Louis who doesn’t even know he’s the Louis.

      Reply
  5. min

    The person with Queenie and Prince Phil is Miss J, isn’t it? Released from Tyra and free to roam. Her hair will get bigger everytime someone is eliminated – or she will make Jessie’s do it on her behalf.

    If it is Miss J, can she have a word with Tommy Hilfiger and tell him that a swimming costume with a net curtain tacked round the bottom is not flattering. He tried to make it happen on American Idol and it didn’t and now it’s not happening here. Enough Tommy.

    Aleks, with all his ‘shhh-ey’ s’s sounded like a cross between Sean Connery and Ronan Keating. Which – y’know – just no.

    Reply
  6. Monaogg

    Looks like we can tell who is in danger by where they are in the running order. 😉 A better week than last overall though.

    The bad stylists were also out in force again. We can see who they don’t like (Vince & Toni) this week.

    Reply
      1. Monaogg

        Then someone should take him to one side and explain. Never wear a baggy tucked in top that is longer than full length trousers. 😉

  7. Jenny Simpson

    Poor Ruth-Ann – I was really hoping that Jessie was going to jump up on the stage and stop her singing by pretending there was a technical problem, I’m sure she considered it for a moment

    Max – you’ve perfectly summed up why he ended up in the bottom 2. He should NEVER TALK and what is it with that zit-piercing? I reckon that was enough to stop a fair few grannies from voting

    Aleks – tweenies, grannies, anyone that’s a sucker for a woobie face – he’s got any army behind him

    Becky is brilliant – I really don’t care how well she sings. I gave up on the allaboutthevoice stuff weeks back

    Reggie manages to appear for precisely 4 minutes a show and still gives you an innuendo or gay panic each week, he must have a bet on

    All Hail Queen Floella!

    (I’m not going to pimp my blog, where I’ve done a Voice recap, but you can find it by clicking on my profile if you want…)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I had under-estimated just how much Max Milner is apparently hated out there. Personally, the more stage-school he gets the more I love him. DEATH TO THE TYRANNY OF AUTHENTICITY. Just keep the humblegush to once per judge’s comments at most. Maybe again in the Vagina Room.

      Reply
  8. Kiwii Soltcar

    The Voice UK O melhor. Me apaixonei por Toni e J Marie Cooper que na minha humilde opinião se estivesse escolhido a Jessie J teria ido mais longe! Jessie J Maravilhosa! De adoro gata! Amo suas musicas, porque vejo que você realmente sente a musica! E por fim seu timbre me exita! 😉 Beijos. (The Purpose. I’m from Brazil) By: Kiwii 😉

    Reply

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