The Apprentice 8 – Episode 7

SHAD AHHHHHP. No, really.

5pm at the Apprentice Hacienda

Arriba!

and jeez

tum ti tum

can you imagine the candidates in any other series being quite this listless? Nick & Gabrielle are having their tea, and everybody else is just sat around doing nothing, apart from Azhar who is

*zen*

secretly manipulating them all from the boys bedroom using his MAGIC MIND-POWERS. He’s making them all be REALLY BORING just using the power of his braaaaaaaaaaain. It’s no wonder all his friend calls him the Batman of the Refrigerator World. Anyway, eventually somebody on the production team decides that something should happen (and about time too), and the phone goes off. I’ll be honest

Pffft

there’s not exactly a rush to get to it.

Everyone groans “Steve!” (/”DAD! IT’S THE PHONE!”) so Steve

WINNAH

picks up his first point in Phone Answering Wars. I’ll be honest, this is not the inspirational dedication to elite Phone-Answering I was hoping for from this bunch, especially in an Olympic Year. We are going to be SLAUGHTERED by the Chinese. Anyway, this means scores are now :

Gabrielle – 2
Azhar – 2
Ricky Martin – 1
Stephen – 1

The phone-call itself? “Lordalan would like to meet you in a wholesale warehouse in Essex, cars will be with you in twenty minutes”. Least inspirational phone-call ever. And I don’t just mean in the context of this show. Stephen tells everyone that the next destination on this non-stop thrill ride of a series is “a warehouse in Basildon”. Everyone tries to contain their excitement, but fortunately for viewers, the fact that the task is being doled out at 5pm doesn’t prevent the show splicing in HOTT SEXXY PICTURES OF THE GIRLS GETTING READY!

G-L-A-M
O-R-O-U-S

GLAMOUR SHOTS! Sadly for Jade, this is probably an episode highlight.

She fronts to Jenna and Gabrielle that when she’s Project Manager (you know, in her head) she doesn’t have a problem with anybody being underneath her. (Sometimes you meet an innuendo, and you just have to say “That’s what she said”, and move on). These people aren’t her FRIENDS (unless you’re on the BEST SUB-TEAM EVER)

they’re just tools that she has to utilise to get ahead. Gabrielle nods sagely from her position opposite the other mirror. Yes, that sort of hard-nosed, pragmatic, borderline-sociopathic attitude was definitely how she approached Project Managing. It wasn’t at all “LET’S HAVE FUN AND DRAW THINGS!”. Gabrielle also points out that no losing Project Managers have been fired yet, so obviously it’s a great job to have. Yeah, how has that happened?

If you want to take a count, the first “LOL ESSEX SPRAY TANS!” reference in the episode is 3 minutes and 38 seconds in. You know, if you want. Personally I will be up in my bunk pondering this picture of Nick

Brush brush brush

WHAT? I LIKE THAT HE WANTS TO PRESENT A PROFESSIONAL FRESH-BREATHED IMAGE FOR LORDALAN! Filthy minds, the lot of you. Anyway you will be surprised to hear that this wanton comedy-stereotyping is from Adam. Tom mutters something inaudible back. As usual. Rest assured that if we’d heard it, he would have been right.

To the Apprenticars now, and in Phoenix Apprenticar B, Azhar, Stephen and Adam all sit around saying that everyone’s been PM now apart from Jade, and she really needs to do it, and step up to the mark, and prove herself by guiding Phoenix to a win.

STEP IT UP, JADE

Be careful what you wish for boys, it might just happen. Apart from (SPOILERS) the winning part.

ESSEX!

ESSEX!

ESSEX

NICK AND KAEN IN ESSEX!

ESSEX!

A WAREHOUSE IN ESSEX! WITH STUFF IN!

Helpful Voiceover Man tells us that a warehouse is a place where goods are stored, and which retailers come to in order to stock up their stalls and shops for the day ahead. THANKS HELPFUL VOICEOVER MAN! Although this new information has sadly pushed out of my brain what a “tourist” is. Damn these edutainment shows. After Helpful Voiceover Man tells us what sorts of things you might find in a warehouse (TOYS! LAMPS! FOOTBALLS! RATS CARRYING VENEREAL DISEASE!) he turns off his Tubbyvision and tucks into a bowl of tubbycustard whilst Lordalan arrives, the teams arrange themselves and

(*glare*)

the BBC show their commitment to the environment by keeping the cars headlights blazing for no reason, just to provide dramatic lighting. I guess it does best highlight how Lordalan is NOT GOING BALD.

He tells them all that they are in his manor – Essex. This environment is very similar to the sort of place he set up his business. It’s also very similar to the environment you might expect to carry out a drugs-shipment stealing mission in Grand Theft Auto 3. Just saying. Lordalan waxes lyrical about how he started up, and Tom tries to look like his heart is warmed by the nostalgic glow.

Yay

Not really happening.

Lordalan tells them all that he’s giving each team £150, and they’re allowed to buy whatever goods they like from the warehouse this evening, and then take them out into Essex tomorrow. He calls Essex “their SELLING ARENA” incidentally, making this task sound a lot more like The Hunger Games than turns out to be true. Sadly. Because, that’s right it’s time for the

SMELLING

SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING task. Oh joy.

Anyway, this task has been simplified since last year, because none of them got it, apart from Susan Ma with her amazing BANGLE GAMBLE. This time it’s just a one day task – when they run out of stuff, just come back to the warehouse for more. Of the stuff that SMELLS LIKE SELLING. Then get selling again. And also SMELLING. And then SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING again. But no SELLING WHAT’S SMELLING UNLESS THE SMELL IT’S SMELLING IS THE SMELLING OF SELLING.

The result will be decided, just like last year, by totalling together profit and assets at the end of the day. I volunteer that Jenna be chosen to work out what each “asset” is worth. Should make for a fun results reveal.

Two more items of business to sort before we let these people run riot around the warehouse like the world’s dullest episode of Finders Keepers – firstly with the firing of Katie, Phoenix is officially a big old sausage fest, so it’s time for a team-swap to even up the genders

SWAPSIES!

How exciting. Also “some people” who haven’t been Project Manager yet might want to think about pulling their socks up and doing it.

SOME PEOPLE

I love what a passive-aggressive headmaster Lordalan is sometimes. “Some people”? It’s just Jade.

Anyway, you might be thinking at this point “hmmm, they only explained what a warehouse if 5 seconds ago, but I’ve already forgotten then sorts of things you might find there”. Lucky for you

POTTYS
RAT-TRAPS

here’s a reminder! POTTYS AND RAT-TRAPS! What a shame that Jane isn’t here to insist that they stock both, on the grounds of that AS A MOTHER she used a combination of the two whilst toilet-training her son, and she knows that other women would jump at the chance to do the same AS MOTHERS. Also?

SPOONS

SPOONS!

Before the teams get to choose their initial stock though, it’s time to pick a Project Manager, for which task the teams retire to their bases at

VIGLEN

Viglen HQ. Oh no, wait, it’s still the crappy warehouse. My mistake. Jade says that she’s obviously PMing for Phoenix on the grounds that she hasn’t got round to doing it yet (SO INSPIRATIONAL) and everyone goes along with this, and agrees to get behind her 100%. Personally in terms of leadership on this show, I’m more worried about Kaen

*scribbles spunk*

being around this many solvents. She’s already haphazardly drawing a willy in her notebook, unconsciousness can’t be too far away.

In the car-park, Jade interviews that

BORN TO DO THIS

she’s a born leader. Based on her approach to this competition, I would imagine this means her mother was carrying her around in the womb for a good 11 months. She’s probably still got the tiny little clawmarks down there from when they had to prise Baby Jade’s tiny fingers off her vajayjay, and then tried to haul herself back in by climbing up the umbilical cord. Anyway, she hopes to lead by example – enthusiastic selling, quick decision making, jamming her fingers in her eyes singing “Fuck Off Azhar” to the tune of “I Saw The Sign” by Ace Of Base…it’s going to be fun.

Back in the room, she asks her team where they think the best two places in Essex to set up their stalls will be. Tom remains silent (probably because there is in fact no right answer to a question beginning “where’s the best place in Essex to…”), and then Azhar start waffling on about having to weigh up the distance-price differential whilst the rest of the team lose the will to live. Adam says they should just go to the busiest market, based on what Azhar’s protocol says, and then Azhar says he is just highlighting a few other key points they need to look at moving forwards. In short, his question is “what is their strategy?” He may mention this again. Once or twice.

Meanwhile, Sterling are housed in Stella English’s offic…

STELLA'S OFFICE!

OH NO WAIT, THEY’RE ALSO IN SOME CASH AND CARRY IN BUMBLEFUCK, ESSEX. (If you want to complain about me making the same tired joke more than once…consider what show you’re watching). Ricky Martin has decided that he would like to be Project Manager because, whilst it’s not his area of expertise (which we have established is “wrestling biochemistry” so…good luck waiting for that task), it’s what Lordalan did, and he wants to do what Lordalan did. Mostly the part where he’s on tv a lot.

On the other hand, Nick wants to be Project Manager as well, for no real reason, and on that sound logic he is elected by Stephen and Jenna, and

*squeeze*

felt up by Gabrielle. Their awkward negotiations around just how physically affectionate they’re allowed to be with one another on camera are my favourite parts of this run of episodes so far. It’s so Victorian. I half expect New Nirrck to sweep in with a ruler and smack the back of her hand. Also, it’s no wonder Jade is so all at sea this task given that this is going on right in front of her.

SO MANY MEMORIES

*sniff*

Nick interviews that he thinks this is going to be a very simple task, and that his team are going to be really easy to manage, except maybe Ricky Martin but

THE WAY THAT HE GELS HIS HAIR LEAVES ME OVERWHELMED

THAT’S WHAT MAKES HIM BEAUTIFUL. That and the fact that he’s a good salesman. Back in the room, Nick and Ricky Martin between them work out their prime location, based on footfall and proximity to the warehouse. This turns out to be Romford Market and a shopping centre. This decided, it’s time for them to find what products to stock, and they set off around the warehouse looking for goodies, whilst New Nirrck wanders around beaming, delighted at the range and value of quality products. He will have to buy an Asteroid Bounce Ball WITH TWO LIGHTS for Mrs New Nirrck.

Stephen locates a beard-trimmer

GRRRR

(anything that removes hair being Nick’s natural enemy) and promises that he can sell them tomorrow for £10 each. (*jump cut to Stephen surrounded by beard-trimmers, slicing a giant chunk out of his own hairline, crying “PLEASE, BUY THEM, PLEASE”, in his pants for some reason*). Ricky Martin on the other hand has found spray-tan. Which is officially the currency of Essex apparently, like DisneyDollars at Disneyland. Jenna enthuses that, as she’s in beauty, she’ll be amazing at selling it, at around £10 per bottle. New Nirrck interviews that

Amazing

spray-tans are amazing, as is Essex in general. The women especially are very attractive, in a classy understated sort of way. He knows that Jenna will fit RIGHT IN.

In addition to Fake Tan, we also learn that Sterling will be pushing a nice line in these

ENVY, ENVY, ENNNNNVY

“Envy Wraps”, which are little fake nail covers. (Remember on Young Apprentice when Lizzie was told that Vanity was a STUPID name for a beauty product? Turns out she just got the wrong deadly sin).

Meanwhile, back at Phoenix

*tumbleweed*

nothing is happening. Azhar, Jade and Tom are all bogged down in a seemingly never-ending back-and-forth over location, with Pitsea Market being eventually decided on. Jade ends the discussion in the best possible way for someone who just spent debating the important issue of Romford vs Ilford : “oh well, they’re all much of a muchness anyway”.

Hmmm

This finally over with, they get to trying to find things to sell :

EW

Wow, times are desperate. I guess you could keep one as a pe…oh no, wait, they’re toy cockroaches. To be specific “novelty vibrating toys”. *eyebrow*. I don’t like to think where you’d let one of those loose for an afternoon of fun. Jade sees they cost 60p and ponders how much you’d sell them for. What a shame Katie isn’t here to suggest £500 each, on the grounds that they can always work down from there.

They too stumble upon spray tan, with Laura claiming that she would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

EVER

EVER buy it herself, so they shouldn’t go for it. That’s right, when Laura was Fizz in Torvill & Dean Present : TWEENIES ON ICE that was all her own natural glow. Jade on the other hand wants spray tan, so spray tan it is. Kaen interviews that Jade’s team is an utter mess, with lots of opinions (*ugh*) flying around and everything being rushed, because she took far too long to decide on the locations the teams should pitch up at. Needless to say she can see one thing on the team she likes.

OOOOH

That’s right, Tom’s talking about the Holy Margins again. He tells Jade that she can get the best margins on the task by stocking hot water-bottles and…

*SPLOOSH*

oh god Kaen’s had an orgasm. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3!

EW

BRING A MOP!

Jade agrees to stock hot water bottles, just because she needs to go and clean her shoes now, as quickly as possible. Tom continues to trail in everyone’s wake around the warehouse, totting up figures as he goes.

*tap tap tap*

How quickly Nick and Kaen both forget the ORIGINAL Mr Notebook-Hyphen-Calculator.

Back on Sterling, Nick has all his items, and identified a strategy. He’s going to split his items into Household/DIY (to be sold by Stephen and Ricky Martin at the market) and Beauty/Grooming (to be sold by Gabrielle and Jenna, with himself having oversight, in a shopping centre). Hooray for gender stereotyping! He assures us that every item he has chosen has a great margin. Off-camera, New Nirrck splooges into a duvet cover. His greater experience of the show over Kaen provides him with the wisdom to avoid being caught on fil during these…private margin related moments.

Jade on the other hand has just appeared to go for a strategy of “TWO OF EVERYTHING IN THE WAREHOUSE!”. It’s a Noah’s Arc theme party! I mean, I’m sure there are some items in the warehouse she’s left untouched but I struggle to think what they might be. Jade says that she’s just going to split everything up randomly between the two subteams because she’s got no idea what might sell where. Azhar says “but what’s the strategy?” again and Jade’s already

behhh

bored of that word. And…slightly confused by it. Azhar suggests that they give the team furthest away from the warehouse the most products, because their commute time if they run will be greater. Jade’s all “I CANNOT HANDLE ALL THIS THINKING, LET’S JUST SELL THINGS!” and waves him off. Azhar then drones on

Drone

in interview, at length, explaining in droney detail exactly what his plan was and that Jade hasn’t listened to his amazing STRATEGEH.

I mean, I can see transportation time is an important to consider but…jeez that is some drone he’s got built up there.

Meanwhile, Jade and Adam ride off into the night. He asks Jade how she feels being Project Manager. She says it’s GREAT! Her strategy is “to see what sells, and then buy more of it”. In short…SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING.

SMELL

SMELL IT!

6:30am next morning now, and it’s time for the teams to leave the Apprentice Hacienda and get back to Essex. In Sterling Apprenticar B, Stephen and Ricky Martin have a good giggle over how, if someone tells them they don’t want to buy their DIY goods, Stephen will just say

shad ahhhp

“SHAD AHHHP!”. Wasn’t that Jenna’s strategy on the print task? Meanwhile in Sterling Apprenticar A, Jenna, Nick and Gabrielle all laugh about how ridiculous Essex Girls fake tans are.

TEE HEE

LOL ESSEX! They arrive at Romford Shopping Centre, and set their stall up, just outside a W H Smiths. Oh God, people in Essex READ? You’d never guess from watching this episode.

Similarly setting up in Romford are Ricky Martin and Stephen and

*DRIZZLE*

what a lovely day to be selling outdoors it is. They set up at a crossroads in the market, so everybody who walks through the market has to “experience” them at some point. Ricky Martin gees Stephen up to sell, telling him that he has to be happy and chappy and loud. I’m guessing he can do the first and third no problem Ricky Martin, but the second?

Not very chappy

Not with those lips.

For the other team, Laura, Tom and Azhar set up in Ilford Shopping Centre, and oddly enough Jade has stationed herself

In her life, she ran so far AWWAAAY

15 miles away, with Adam. It won’t help Jade, he can still reach you via phone. Also, how desperate to be away from Azhar would you have to be to willingly sit on a sub-team alone with ADAM? Speaking of which, the man himself asks some passers-by if they’d like to take a look at his stall. The answer? “No”. Jade grumbles that they’ve stationed themselves at a tiny town market where everything’s really cheap and there’s hardly any footfall. Ah well, they’re all much of a muchness these locations aren’t they? Adam asks a little old lady if she’d like a hot water bottle, and she says she doesn’t, as she’s got an electric blanket.

COOOT

BUT THEY’RE SO COOT THOUGH! IT LOOKS LIKE A SHEEP! (My hot water bottle cover looks like Tigger. I am 27 years old. I am not ashamed).

Back at Romford, Ricky Martin and Stephen are obviously somewhat stymied by this.

LOLFAKE

They were going to claim their extendable brooms were genuine Gucci! Stephen babbles terrifyingly away to Ricky Martin about how instead they should pretend to have bad backs and also how about a pun about cleaning up or maybe asking people if they have BROOM for improvement in their lives or how he’s going to SWEEP UP on The Apprentice with this broom or maybe they’ve got a TIDY DEAL FOR THEM, you know? BANTER! BANTER BANTER BANTER BANTER BANTER SELL SELL SELL. Ricky Martin in response is all

Great

…yeah, let’s do that.

Actually when it’s time to put their patter into action, Ricky Martin is a much more charismatic presence than Stephe, in that Stephen potters around saying things like “is this it?” and “yes I have a bad back”. He even manages to make a sale, telling a woman that she can have any of the mops she wants. Pick a favourite! She cackles that they’re all the same!

Pick a mop, any mop

WHAT IS HE LIKE?

Still, this is all less embarrassing than Nick’s sales magnetism, as he yells “FREE HAIR-CUTS FOR LIFE! £5 FOR A HAIR *spends a good five seconds trying to read the packaging* TRIMMER!” to a dis-interested populace. It’s 11am, and sales are going well, mostly of the fake tan, mostly pushed by Beauty Queen Jenna.

wonderful smell

She’s even spelled everything correctly this week. And still maintains her signature focus on the smell. In this, she is very much SMELLING WHAT SELLINGS. New Nirrck grinterviews that he just

ESSEX!

LOVES ESSEX! Essex women are so sexy and alluring, and it turns out their secret all this time has been fake tan! New Nirrck didn’t even know it was fake! He thought the lovely radiant internal glow of Essex women was what was tanning them, with natural warmth from the inside. He’s learning so much!

Meanwhile, less happy are the folk of Phoenix as bizarrely enough

Hmmm

this is not proving an attractive sales display. Who knew? Laura complainterviews that their completely random stock, as decided by Jade, is making it really hard to get a sales patter down. Yeah, “COME ON OVER AND HAVE A LOOK AT OUR MISCELLANY!” doesn’t really compel. You’ll be glad to hear though, that Tom’s radiant natural warmth,

?

rivals even that of the people of Essex and is still shining. Azhar, similarly, is having little luck. To be honest, it does feel a bit like, in terms of proven salespeople we’ve got Gabrielle, Jenna, Stephen and Ricky Martin vs…Adam? Bit stacked. One person in particular tells Laura that she’ll “come back later”. Is that ever true?

Meanwhile, back in Pitsea Market, Jade is revealing her new pricing strategy, in response to the market’s general low-rent vibe.

CHEAP!

Not having one! Let’s just write cheap on everything, and then argue the price with people individually! Jade explains her strategy to camera, oblivious to the rumbling in the distance indicating that the Margins Gods are ANGRY. Fortunately for Jade, “low-rent auctioneer” is the role that Adam was born to play, as he off-loads their stock with gleeful abandon to whoever will pay the least for it. I love that we’re getting a “LAST MINUTE PANIC SELLING” montage, two hours into a task, on a task that theoretically shouldn’t even have one at all. Oh Jade. Kaen gleeterviews that Adam is in his element as he waves USB In-Car chargers around under increasingly angry skies like the post-apocalyptic Brother Love Revival Show.

TESTIFY
I SAID, TESTIFY!

TESTIFY! Kaen continues that Adam is expert in telling people what they want to hear, and driving up interest, and you can’t ask for more than that…as he rips off a small boy, selling him two bugs

...

that rim one another for a fiver. Not on this show anyway. As if this wasn’t enough, guess who’s back?

So dreamy

Sigh. Although one more episode and it’ll start to feel a bit clingy. A boy needs his space, Colin The Foot That Likes To Stamp On Things.

Back in Romford, the Margin Gods have begun their shit-fit over Jade’s pricing strategy, and are hurling acid rain down on everyone. Ricky Martin and Stephen gripe that this is really impacting their ability to sell tat to people who just want to get their faces on telly. They ring Nick up and tell him that, as they’re not doing anything due to the plague of locusts currently rampaging the streets, maybe they could go and get more stock for Nick’s stall? Nick is down with that. Stephen suggests that, as both teams are in Romford, maybe he and Ricky could bring them all their remaining stock first, as it’s only going to get eaten by these giant ants that have suddenly appeared out of a giant lava-spewing crack in the ground. Nick replies that he just needs fake tan, and as much of it, as soon as possible, because Jenna just sold their last can, so they should go to the warehouse first, asap.

Midday in Pitsea, and Jade and Adam have sold out fresh on the back of Adam’s Apocalyptic Closing Down sale. She and Adam close their stall down, and head off to the warehouse in order to pick up stock and move to the shopping centre with the rest of the team. BUT FIRST! Azhar rings up and asks her what her strategy is.

STRATEGEH

You can already see her hands forming into claws can’t you? Jade tells him that her strategy is that she’s packed up here, she’s going to the warehouse to restock, and then she’s going to join his sub-team in the shopping centre. Azhar gets her to clarify that she’s not returning to the market as her strategy, and then Jade flusters defensively that with HINDSIGHT she would have given herself less stock but there was no way of knowing tum ti tum. Azhar asks Jade what her strategy is, again, just to clarify, strategically. Jade repeats that her strategy is that SHE IS FINE and she is GOING TO THE WAREHOUSE to restock and she will be WITH THEM SOON. Azhar says that’s fine, and he’ll speak to them later. Adam and Jade hang up and then wander off seething over how Azhar won’t stop saying strategy. In strategerterview Azhar

STRATEGEH

says “strategy” again. Three more times. That word has now lost all meaning for me, well done The Apprentice Series 8.

Back on the Sterling A-Team, the team are now struggling due to the great Fake Tan drought of 2011. Nothing else they’ve got is really selling, so it’s left up to Gabrielle to yell

TRIMMERS

“BEARD TRIMMERS!” as loud as she can to strangers,

Oh dear, dear

Nick to wander up to men with beards and tell them they look like they could do with a trim (oof) and Jenna to suggest to little old men that they buy a beard trimmer as a present for a friend as they “must know someone with a beard”. Now now Jenna, we can’t all be close personal friends with Tom Cruise like what you are. None of this really works. Fortunately, Gabrielle has noticed the clientele of the Shopping Centre is 70% female at least and strikes up a cunning plan.

TRIMMERS

Yelling “FOOF TRIMMERS!”. Or words to that effect. Amazingly, this works, and Sterling rapidly sell out as a result. Lessons in business, people. Lessons in business.

Back on Phoenix now and we learn that for them, as for Adam, the tiny vibrating cockroaches are the team’s best-selling items.

Laura seems to be selling them particularly well, and so Laura decides to ring Jade at the warehouse (where she has gone as part of her strategy) to let her know to stock up on more of them. Tom breaks in to tell her to put all the team’s eggs in one basket. Insect eggs at that. They’ve got GREAT MARGINS (the torrents of blood sweeping the street of Braintree briefly subside, as the Margin Gods consider this appeasement). Jade says that she will restock SOME of the bugs but…she’d also like to buy a lot of other random crap as well.

THE TORRENTS RESUME. SHE HAS ONLY WHIFFED WHAT IS SELLING!

In interview Kaen

Grrr

/Aslan agrees. Jade is not SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING.

Meanwhile, re-iterating his demand to Stephen and Ricky Martin to only get fake tan and nothing else, because he is SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING, Nick has hit a snag.

Who?

Ricky Martin and Stephen are stuck in traffic. Probably due to the gigantic herds of frogs currently running riot in the area and destroying crops. They tell Nick they promise they do they’ll best to get restocked and get back to him as soon as possible, but Nick panics because he’s running out of stock fast. He closes by gushing about what a great asset Jenna is, and maybe she can train the boys up on how to sell fake tan. Ricky Martin’s eyebrow takes umbrage

*twitch*

having been previously dormant all episode. NOBODY TEACHES RICKY MARTIN HOW TO DO ANYTHING! Stephen similarly snorfles, and says that all he has to do is tell people that it makes their hand a little bit browner.

So do many things Stephen, none of which I’m particularly keen to obtain with you as a source.

Mid-afternoon and

tum ti tum

D’OOPS. Sterling have no stock to sell. Everyone’s just standing around waiting for Ricky Martin and Stephen to get back from shopping. Speaking of which, as Jade and Adam speed back to Phoenix’s Shopping Centre, Azhar rings them with a question :

STRATEGEH
Great

What’s the strategy? He tells Jade that he thinks she’s made a strategic mistake changing location so quickly and also his strategy is to sell out all the products in two hours and then make another strategic trip out to the warehouse and restock again and also the fake nails and false eyelashes aren’t selling very well, strategically speaking, but obviously strategy will vary based on location, so what does Jade think of the team’s strategy moving forwards? Jade thinks “THAT’S GREAT GUYS, BYE!”

To say they are not receptive to Azhar at this point would be an understatement.

Back with Sterling now, and now that giant dead octopus has been cleaned off the highway, Ricky Martin and Stephen have finally reached the warehouse. They buy 84 bottles of fake tan with their money and then find out that…oops, there’s no more spray tan left in the WHOLE OF ESSEX after these two teams blew through. They ring Nick, let him know the situation, and ask him what they are to buy if they can’t buy fake tan. Nick’s face asks

What is life, if not fake tan?

“what would anyone WANT to buy if they can’t buy fake tan? What else even is there in life at this point?” He was planning to retire with Gabi to live on a fake-tan farm and raise little orange babies together. HIS DREAMS ARE CRUSHED. I’ve never seen a more broken man. He says that, if there aren’t any fake-tan cans left then…it’ll just have to be hot water bottles. He’s not happy about it though.

With Phoenix again, and Jade and Adam have arrived with their team’s stock and, oh what a surprise, the toy bugs are selling like hot-cakes. (*cue interview of Jade saying there was no way she could have predicted this tum ti tum*). Tom bonerterviews that the bugs are amazing, in a frankly terrifying way that suggests he might be a little bit in sexual love with insect life.

Hmmm

Given that I’m desperately hoping that he is the Kate and that Nick is the Yasmina, there’s a part of me that’s scrabbling to see if this isn’t another point of affinity between him and the old Space Cockroach (OLD SCHOOL SERIES 5 RECAP REFERENCE) (No Kate having a cockroach from outer space that lived in her head and operated her odd face with rubber bands was in no way the same basic joke as the Helen Entity, sod off). He says that they’ve bought the bugs at 60p each and are selling them on for £3, so they’re REALLY ripping people off here in an amazing way!

ACTION MAN
EAGLE EYE ACTION

Not to be shifty about it or anything. Why be shifty Tom? This is going to appease the Margin Gods and SAVE ESSEX. You’ll be a hero! He closes by saying that he wishes Jade had taken his advice and stocked up more on the bugs, but she wanted “variety”, whatever that means. *shrug*

Back on Sterling now and Daddy and Ricky Martin still aren’t back with the shopping yet. Nick has been reduced to wandering around telling people that they will have products on the stall again soon, he SWEARS IT. Let’s just say

chew chew chew

that pen is getting a hell of a workout. Fortunately for Nick, what’s that coming over the horizon? Chased by a giant swarm of lice and killer moths? IT’S RICKY MARTIN AND STEPHEN! And more importantly…THEY’VE GOT TAN! Sales take off again, HOORAY. Also selling well are Phoenix, as Azhar stomps around their shopping centre yelling “EVERYTHING MUST GO!”.

LAST MINUTE RESTOCKING MONTAGE! RICKY MARTIN AND STEPHEN RESTOCK FOR STERLING! RICKY MARTIN COMPLAINS THAT HE FEELS LIKE A SPARE PART! TOM STILL THINKS THEY SHOULD BUY ONLY BUGS! JADE STILL THINKS THEY SHOULD JUST BUY A BIT OF EVERYTHING, WHY NOT?

grump

JADE IS STILL NOT SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING! AZHAR STILL WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THE STRATEGY IS! (Azhar, if you’ve not noticed by now that there isn’t one, I’ve got no hope for you). JENNA IS STILL A

stylish!

QUEEN OF BEAUTY AND DEPORTMENT! STEVEN FINDS ME AN INCIDENTAL CHARACTER BOYFRIEND AT THE LAST MINUTE

trimmer!

MARK THE TRIMMER OF BEARDS (mostly his own). NICK KEEPS HIS PRICES HIGH! JADE SLASHES HERS! KAEN PANICS THAT JADE IS SACRIFICING HER MARGINS INCORRECTLY, MEANING SHE’S DOOMED ALL OF ESSEX TO SUBMERGE UNDER THE SEA AND BECOME THE NEW ATLANTIS! ADAM STILL SELLS EVERYTHING LIKE IT’S SALVATION IN THE EYES OF THE LORD!

SELLING ENDS!

WHEE!

Now let’s hope that Nick’s team have done enough to save us from the wrath of the Holy Margin Gods.

Jade interviews that she stands by her approach of slashing all the prices last minute. It was a risky strategy, but she still made a profit on every item she sold, so she thinks it was worthwhile.

WOO

Eh? Jade, that is all irrelevant to this task. I did not hear the words “SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING” or “THINKING WHAT’S STINKING!” or “SEEKING WHAT’S REEKING!” once. What is this “profit/loss” business? Anyway, Nick oopsterviews that he’s a bit disappointed that they had that whole two hour period where his entire sub-team was stood around doing nothing, not that he orchestrated that so he and Gabi could go off and have some alone time round the back of Dorothy Perkins bins or anything. NEVER MIND. I’m guessing he thought he could risk it after seeing Jade’s product selection strategy in the warehouse (eg, shut your eyes and bash into the shelves and see what falls off).

RESULTS TIME!

For those interested, all the men are seated, Gabrielle and Jenna are standing

SUCH PIGS

CHIVALRY IS DEAD. Probably because it didn’t smell what selled. Which is EQUALITY (in the form of a sexy empowering feminist photo-shoot). Oh wait, one man’s standing

Terrifying

/contemplating his mirror universe candidate who is sincere and calm and can’t sell and who has lips. I guess there’s still hope for us all. Whoever-It-Is tells them all that they can go in now. You know. If they want.

Well, the teams do want, and in they go. Everyone takes their seat, and prepares themselves for the results. Has Jade successfully taken revenge against the so-called BEST SUB-TEAM EVER? WHO BETRAYED HER BY…BY…

DAMN THEM

WELL THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID. Lordalan finishes SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING (you don’t want to know) and enters.

He starts by saying that this task is one of his own personal favourite tasks. Tom tries to look similarly enthused.

yay...

Fails. The reason for this enthusiasm? Well, he may have mentioned this, but this task is how Lordalan himself got started in business all those years ago back in East London when he was just a young lad selling blah blah blah blah blah blah blah he says this every task apart from those that involve advertising.

We start off with Sterling, and Lordalan says that Nick “ended up” Team Leader, to which Nick protests very mildly, stumbling over his words, that there was a vote. In which his girlfriend didn’t vote for him, unless groping your knee counts as a vote, which it hasn’t since Clinton. Not that it bothers him or anything.

N'uh

At all. “Goodteamleader?” gets a strong affirmative from Gabrielle and Ricky Martin (who says that Nick worked with his team, not against it. It’s like he could SEE the mess on the other team isn’t it?), and solid nods from the other two.

Nick is asked to outline his team’s, and he says that first they chose locations – both of which were in Romford : Jewel of the South-West. Next up was product selection, and Nick says that the core of their selection of products was fake-tan, and Lordalan hoots that that’s Jenna’s day job isn’t it? Erm… I think you’ll find that Jenna’s day job is not just fake tans and nail wraps

QUEEN OF BEAUTY

the full range of beauty related products and experiences all under one roof for reasonable prices. I can’t believe Jenna has grown on me enough that the following poll is even possible but :

Lordalan asks Ricky Martin if he’s wearing fake-tan, or if he just comes in that colour naturally.

D'oops

Little from Column A, little from Column B. Ricky Martin says he has no problem wearing fake tan, and then Lordalan fires him for being a metrosexual.

Not really.

Nick breaks in to highlight that Ricky Martin was the one who spotted the potential in selecting fake tan, and then Lordalan gets some out and has a look at it, alongside the Envy Wraps in what he calls an “Essex Kit”.

Essex Kit AHOY

What an image. I notice he doesn’t pass any to Kaen, probably because she’d spend the rest of the episode with a great big bronze stain round her nose and that’d be no message to send to the kids. (WHAT? It’s not her fault that the smell lets her hear the music of her heart. It’s the same reason you’ll never see her with a marker-pan or any hairspray.)

We next cover the split in products between Beauty and Household, and also that the Beauty Products sold out really quickly. Lordalan asks when Nick decided to restock for the first time, and Nick replies that he made the call at around 11:00/12:00, as his stocks were down to 50% levels and it was so rainy (and thundery, and lightningy, and apocalyptical hurricaney) on the marketstall that it wasn’t really going to cost them too much to have Stephen and Ricky Martin leave their post. Lordalan asks Ricky Martin and Stephen what they did with their stock whilst this was happening and Nick pulls a face indicating that he

shitshitshitshitshit

really really really doesn’t want it to come out that his sub-team spent 2 hours doing literally nothing, but he knows it’s about to. Ricky Martin, in his best “I am being very professional whilst also sticking the knife right in” voice, says that they took the stock with them to the warehouse for some reason. They asked Nick if they shouldn’t drop it off with him first, but he was adamant they go directly to the warehouse. Oh well. *sits back and watches*

Nick at this point decides to pile on as well, and says it would have taken Ricky Martin and Stephen 4 minutes to drop their stock off with Nick and give him something to do, and then there’s a great long segment of Ricky Martin and Lordalan agreeing with one another that Nick really fucked that decision up badly and should just have done what Ricky Martin suggested all along, whilst Nick sits there

shitshitshitshitshit

looking like he wants to die. He ends by just muttering that they did run out of stock and he’s very sorry Lordalan. Lordalan declares this to be

SHAMEFUL

SHAMEFUL. Poor Nick. I hope he takes this as a cue to

UNLEASH

UNLEASH THE EVIL WITHIN.

Phoenix now, and Lordalan wants to know if a certain someone, who will remain nameless, who has been dodging being Project Manager like Adam dodges Equality & Diversity In The Workplace Seminars, naming no names,

Jade!

JADE, was Project Manager this week like he told them/her/JADE. Jade replies all, yeah, alright, I got the hint thanks. Lordalan asks her “who went where?” and Jade takes this opportunity to say that Adam obviously went with her to the market because that’s his day job and he excelled at it, whilst Kaen takes this opportunity to

Yoink

snatch herself some Envy Wraps. It’s also covered how they went to Pitsea Market, which was miles away from the warehouse. Jade protests that they did put some thought into where they went, it wasn’t just random, honest, and Kaen snorts that they spent too much time discussing it, and Jade agrees.

We move on to Product Selection next, allowing Lordalan to have a good old play with

Giggle

some bugs. If I were Jade, I’d offer him £300 for one now and win the whole task he’s that entranced by it. Jade giggles that the bugs were their best sellers whilst Nick

Grr

protests at the very idea with his face. Jade gushes at the massive margin of £2.40 they made on each bug, and the fact that people were BEGGING FOR THEM. ACTUALLY BEGGING.

BEGGING

We cover market sales next, more specifically how amazing Adam was (thanks in part to the Armageddon-cum-Ragnarok-cum-Plagues Of Egypt backdrop provided by Jade angering the Margin Gods of Essex), more specifically the effect this had on Kaen.

*beams*

I think we all knew that deep down, despite the “women in business” patter and veneer of modernist respectability, all Kaen really wanted was a good seeing to by a horny-handed NORTHERN man of toil, and then to fix him egg and chips afterwards, JUST LIKE ALL FEMINISTS, EH LADS?

“Goodteamleader?” gets a big nod from Adam, a bored sip of water and roll-eyes from Tom, and Azhar saying that she was a good motivator but she fell down on…wait for it…strategy. I love that even though Jade was all but pulling blow-jobs faces and mouthing “wanker” at him the whole time, he still thinks she was a “good motivator”. He then moves on to say that her biggest strategic failure was her time-management, which is frankly BIZARRE given that it’s the one (the one) identifiable thing she did better than Nick. (Only on Day Two, but still)

Jade replies that this is the first that she’s heard of Azhar’s misgivings about her strategy (?!?!?!?!??!) and then Tom lurches at her and does…

Most
terrifying
thing
I've ever
seen

this.

Lordalan asks Jade if she got co-operation “from all her people” and she says yes. Obviously Azhar said “strategy” over and over and over and over and over again, but other than that he was really good. Definitely.

NUMBERS TIME!

Phoenix had takings of £423 and stock worth £416 for a grand total of £839
Sterling had takings of £681 and stock worth £274 for a grand total of £955

YAY!

PHOENIX CONTINUE TO BURN IN IGNOMINY! Jade’s Revenge is delayed another day.

Lordalan tells both teams that they made a decent profit for one day’s work. He waxes lyrical forever about how business is possible without Powerpoint presentations or venture capitalists (who was stumping up the petrol costs and pitching rights then? Jesus?) or any of that here, JUST GOOD SOLID HONEST BLAHDDY GRAFT. Nick’s all “excuse you, I made a Powerpoint Presentation. And a spreadsheet. Just because they were TOO HOTT FOR TV doesn’t mean they didn’t happen”. Lordalan hopes this sends a message to Britain. I bloody don’t.

Lordalan tells them that their treat is to go to a bar and get shit-faced on cocktails.

WOO HOO!

Now THERE’S a reward I can get behind. Jade says “well done” to her vanquishers on their way out. Tom continues to bury that finger into his cheek until he can feel his own tooth enamel. Lordalan tells the losers that, whilst they did well, they still lost, and there will be no cocktails for them, apart from the ones they create themselves back at the Apprentice Hacienda by pouring a bottle of gin into a bottle of vodka.

REWARD TIME! Or, more accurately

BOOZE!

BOOZE TIME!

Jenna mumbles disapprovingly about how she’d never drink a cocktail with smoke pouring off it, unless she’d accidentally dropped a fag in her Snakebite & Black, obviously. Nick

GLUG GLUG GLUG

downs his drink, still

ooof

can’t really take his alcohol, and tells the team that this win feels AMAZING. He loves them all, especially ONE OF THEM, but he’s not going to *hic* say who, but she’s sure EVERYBODY KNOWS *wink wink*

*hic*

Stephen meanwhile, jokes that his cocktail tastes a bit like Team Phoenix at the moment. In that it’s BITTER, LOL!

Not
at all
bitter

No idea why you’d say that Stephen. They’re JUST FINE. They’re in the glamorous and exciting environs of Loser Cafe and loving every second. Jade even says that she’s going to find it really hard to bring anyone into the boardroom with her because she was BUZZING all day. I’m guessing it’s not just Kaen who couldn’t keep out the solvents drawer.

Outside she

*buzz*

buzzterviews that it’s really hard to work out who should be accountable because they all did so well. As she was PM she guesses it’s probably her *nervous giggle*. NOT IN THIS SERIES! Back in the room Laura also huffs heartily from the “we were great, it’s just that the other team were even better” bag, as does Adam, although by “we were great” he does of course mean

Wooo

“I was great, much better than everyone else, so I’m not getting fired, so you could you make us a cup of tea love, I’m parched, maybe a couple of custard creams on the side”. Back in the room, Jade’s saying that she doesn’t think she really needed one of those strategy things anyway. Guess who disagrees?

STRATEGEH

STRATEGEHHHHHHHHHH! His friends all call him Captain STRATEGEHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BOARDROOM TIME!

Whoever-It-Is ushers the candidates in, and Tom’s face is already looking pretty damned sour. Can’t wait for what happens next. Anyway, once everyone has sat themselves down, Lordalan has an announcement to make.

numbers!

HE’S GOT NUMBERS, AND HE’S NOT AFRAID TO READ THEM! The numbers in question are the average selling price for the bottles of fake tan. Sterling sold theirs for an average of £6.71. Phoenix sold theirs for an average of £3.50. Given that Tom was supposed to be doing the costing, what does he have to say about that? He says that he didn’t even do the pricing for the beauty products because he’s not a girl. Laura and Jade are girls so they did them. Oh and also Jade decided to drop the prices massively at the end of the day, so that’s also her fault.

O RLY?

Nick asks Jade what their retail price was at the start of the day, and she replies that was between £4 and £5. Are you sure it wasn’t “£quite cheap”? Anyway Jade says that normally she’d pay about £10 for her own fake tan, but she’s a classy lady and she wouldn’t be seen dead wearing this cheap muck (*cough*likeJenna*cough*) so she didn’t know how much she could charge people for it. Lordalan breaks it to her that she could in fact have been charging £10 for it. Lordalan believes that this is why they lost – their prices were too low.

Next we cover Jade’s decision to split her product evenly, which was also apparently wrong. She should have taken 70% of her stock to Pitsea Market, and 30% to the shopping centre, because her stock would clearly sell better in a market environment, especially with a market trader like Adam on her team. Jade protests that she HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT WOULD SELL WHERE BEFOREHAND and Adam backs her up by saying

*hoot*

that he didn’t even know and he’s great and a market trader and also sold loads of stuff by the way at great margins *wink* He also makes sure to drop “smells what sells” in there, which is the smartest thing anybody does all boardroom. I’d be waving it around every 5 seconds like an Immunity Card. SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING!

Azhar breaks in to say that he actually told Jade to split the stock unevenly in favour of Pitsea (for entirely different reasons but hey ho, might as well) but she ignored him because she had no STRATEGEH. Jade says that she doesn’t remember him ever saying anything like this, but she wishes she had. It’s not that I disbelieve her, I just think that she…wasn’t necessarily putting a lot of effort into trying to.

Adam breaks in to say that all he heard from Azhar was constant whinging about STRATEGEH and what to sell where and it was really annoying for Adam, because Azhar was fronting like he was some sort of market expert, which is ADAM’S JOB. On every task. Lordalan asks Jade why she didn’t tell Azhar to shut up with his rambling and she says it’s really hard to shut someone up who is PASSIONATE and also a KILLER WHALE OF THE SEA.

All killer whale, no filler

SHAMMUUUUUUUUU!

Kaen breaks in to say that they spent so much time whittering on about location that they didn’t leave themselves time to look at product, and then Laura, Adam and Jade all simulnod and glare at Azhar in unison. MASTER PUPPETTEER! He wants them all to hate him! It’s all part of his plan! He’s the new Stella! All he has to do now is sing a Cockney Knees-Up and he’s got this in the bag!

Next up it’s time for Lordalan to ask Laura what her contribution was, given that he’s still GOT HIS EYE ON HER!

Hmmm?

Unlike every other viewer of the show, apart from the ones who fancy her. Laura says

Suck a fundemental player

“I sold things” and leaves it at that. She was a key cog Lordalan! A key cog! Lordalan asks if that’s it, and Laura replies “yes, and also I chose some of the products”. The only reason she’s not saying anything in this Boardroom is that everyone else is covering all the main points (eg BOO AZHAR BOO) for her.

Not it’s time cover whether they…wait for it…wait for it…SMELLED WHAT SELLED.

SMELLED

I’m surprised it took him this long. Apparently Jade didn’t provide any direction from the top about SMELLING WHAT WAS SELLING – she just relied on her minions to make their own decisions, and refused to allow them to specialise in any particular product. Jade protests that everything they bought was selling well, and Kaen rebuts this by pointing out that on their second trip her team were still buying fake tan, and they had 46 bottles of the stuff left, out of the 90 they had at the start of the day. They started the day with 7 product lines, and they still had the same 7 product lines at the end of the day.

oof

NOT!SMELLING!WHAT’S!SELLING!

Laura protests that she tried to tell Jade that the fake nails weren’t smelling but she still just directed them to buy some of everything, so they ended up getting more.

Oh dear

D’oops.

Lordalan asks Jade who she’s going to bring back with her, and she says AZHAR! and………erm…

Hmmm

…(*unsubtle jump cut to Laura’s face, possibly to try to get some sort of chant going up at home*)

LAURA! LAURA! LAURA!

………Tom.

NO!

Well that’s unnerving. Lordalan calls this “…interesting” and Tom smirks and says “even though I made all the right decisions?”. Jade then collapses into a massive fluster saying that she didn’t know who to choose between everyone (APART FROM AZHAR WHO KEPT CAUSING PROBLEMS AND SAYING “STRATEGEH!) because she loves them all and Lordalan points out that this is her job as part of the show and she’d had since he announced they’d lost to think about it so

GERRONWIVIT

GET ON WITH IT, WOMAN. Jade says that Tom sold really well, and everyone else (OTHER THAN AZHAR!) sold really well so it’s hard to choose. Tom gracefully says that he doesn’t mind, pick him, and pulls his best

*pout*

Noble Victim face. You might even call him a Tom Martyr.

LOL

Jade says that she doesn’t know what else to do, pulls 5,000 faces indicating she’d rather be on the US version so she could just pick Azhar, picks Tom as her second choice, then mouths

SORRY

“sorry” to him like a great big wuss. You’re going to be “The Bitch” after this episode anyway Jade, might as well own it.

Candidates go out, Kaen does exactly the same impersonation of Azhar that she did for Tom The Inventor, nobody thinks this might mean something, candidates come back in again.

We start with something that Jade has said on her

RAY ZOO MAY

RAY-ZOO-MAY that her biggest failing as a businesswoman is making hasty decisions and not putting enough analysis in. Does she think she made a hasty decision today in bringing Tom back? Jade says that she MADE A MISTAKE! TOM SHOULDN’T BE HERE! CAN THEY SEND TOM BACK? SHE’LL FIRE HERSELF IF SHE HAS TO, FOR LOVELY TOM!

Such warmth

He’s so lovely! Lordalan asks Tom who should be in here instead of him, and he says that Adam should, because he’s just a salesman and nothing more. Lordalan asks Tom, baffled, why Jade has done this awful terrible heinous thing and Tom says he doesn’t know. Jade then starts

ALWAYS PREPARED!

YELLING that she wasn’t prepared! She wasn’t prepared to lose! She only ever plans for SUCCESS! You’d think she’d have got some practice in on that awful Womens Team in the first few weeks. As soon as I SAW Maria I would have been preparing.

Tom then decides to turn his guns on Laura, saying that he doesn’t think that she gave Jade the support and advice she needed. I love how this Boardroom has so far been spent exclusively slagging off people who aren’t in there. That’s always a sign of a Project Manager in complete control.

We then turn to Jade going even further, and slagging off people who aren’t even ON HER TEAM, saying that as Project Manager she really tried to listen to everybody’s feedback, like about, say, where to drop off stock (*cough*NICK*cough*) but Azhar made it really difficult because everything was in a long rambling drone in which every other word was STRATEGEH and it WOULD NOT STOP. He didn’t offer any answers or solutions, just a never-ending WHINE.

*sigh*

Azhar points out that Jade’s response to advice from anyone was in fact “we’ll see how it goes” and then doing nothing. Sounds about right.

Lordalan then asks Jade if she thinks that Azhar is one of those people who just stand at the back and say “that’s wrong, that’s wrong, that’s wrong” but not, like, in a SEXY way, like Tom, but in a really boring way that suggests they’re setting themselves up for when the team loses. I don’t think that’s fair, but if you’re still looking for why Azhar got fired then…there we are. Jade says she agrees, and Azhar decides to go for a burn by saying that the word STRATEGEH was clearly out of Jade’s depth. Doesn’t explain why you kept on saying it then? He goes on to say that he in fact had lots of solutions, Jade hoots “WHAT WERE THEY THEN?” and Azhar…singularly fails to come up with any other than “ask Jade what her STRATEGEH is”.

Tom decides at this point to say that from his objective perspective (you know, as Jesus) that Azhar has a tendency to waffle on about nothing, but in this case he was right that more products should have been at the market. There, that’s your correct answer – can all questions moving forwards please be directed via him? Chastened by Tom having empirically proved that Azhar was right just by saying it, Jade huffs “OK YOU WERE RIGHT THEN!” at Azhar, in a way that harks back to the sort of teenage apology that was always followed by the noise of a door slamming.

Lordalan asks Azhar who was responsible for the failure of the task, and he says that it was Jade. At this, Lordalan decides that it’s begging time for Jade, and she launches off into a really rapid patter

I'VE GOT A PLAN!

about how she should stay 100% because of her business plan, which is amazing. In fact it’s not just one business plan, it’s SEVEN business plans that all fit together like a Megazord

*GLOMP*

and GIVE YOU ULTIMATE POWER! Lordalan stops her quickly saying that

Save it , love

they’re not supposed to reveal their hilarious business plans until the final episode, can we instead just talk about the last seven “weeks”? Why shouldn’t he “terminate her existence”? Oh Lordalan, if you wanted to do that you should have kept Katie around. She had the skills. Two fingers, one windpipe, no faffing.


Brought back to the present, Jade says that “I’ve never been in these three seats at the moment”

MENTALISM

Woah, woah Jade, leave the mental mind-tricks to Azhar. You’re not going to persuade him that you’re not even currently in the Boardroom to be fired. Especially not with the volume. And the gesticulating. And the rocking back and forth. Anyway, she’d also like to raise that she’s never been brought back into the Final Boardroom when her team lost, so obviously she’s been a strong contributor up til now. She’s also been a constant performer, and sold all the way through.

I can’t believe she didn’t mention the sad penguin, or how she didn’t ram her camera up Adam’s arse on the Fitness Task. Those were your two finest hourse Jade, USE THEM.

Lordalan asks her who should be fired, and she chooses Azhar, ba’duh, because she doesn’t think he’s contributed that much on any task. I love when the two people with the most Under-The-Radat edits get into scrap fights like this. It’s almost like they expect the editors to have been fair and to have shown them on camera at any point. Azhar mutters in that she only talked to Laura on the task and ignored everybody else’s contributions, and then Jade says that if we’re talking about COMMUNICATION SKILLS and GETTING ALONG WITH PEOPLE then this is rich coming from AZHAR!

AZHAR

Azhar then just mutters that she’s out of her depth.

“Out of his/her/your depth” is the most over-used Boardroom Buzz-phrase at this point yes?

Tom is asked who was responsible for the failure of the task, and he says it was Jade, based on lacking a STRATEGEH. Notice that Lordalan didn’t ask who should be fired, because then he would be contractually bound to agree with Tom and do it.

FIRING TIME!

Tom is this week’s honorary “you shouldn’t even BE here in this Boardroom oh mighty one”, leaving this week’s fire-teasing to be Jade, mostly for being Mean To Tom it appears. So our firing is therefore, by process of strategic deduction

BYE AZHAR

Azhar, for being negative and not expressing himself in a likable way. An unsurprising decision given that Tom put up a better defence of Azhar than he did himself, and even that was half-hearted.

Is Jade going to hug Azhar on her way out?

Nope

No she is not. Whilst they’re getting their playground business over with, Lordalan wonders aloud who on Earth would want to go into a partnership with someone who nobody else ever listened to?

WHO INDEED?

Erm…you? Last series? Ended up with probably the most successful working relationship you’ve had with anyone on this show? No? Ringing any bells? He wore glasses and sucked at everything practical? No?

In his Cab Of Shame, Azhar says he

ROBBED

WUZZ ROBBED! IT WELL SHOULD HAVE BEEN JADE! SHE IS OUT OF HER DEPTH AND HAD NO STRATEGEH! PEOPLE HERE WERE PLAYING A GAME AND WANTED HIM OUT BECAUSE HE WAS A THREAT! Alright Azhar, have a biscuit.

Back at the Apprentice Hacienda everyone sits around talking about how Tom can’t be going, he’s just too amazing to go, just think of the house without his handsome sour Ian Beale face around every corner, it’s not worth thinking about, oh my God what if Tom DOES go, I MIGHT KILL MYSELF, oh God Laura, you selfish bitch, why didn’t you volunteer to go in in Tom’s place,

*trump*

*Jenna farts in Laura’s general direction*. Then Tom and Jade come back

WOO

and everyone cheers. Mostly for Tom obviously. Adam makes sure to give Jade a big hug though.

HUG

I feel like this series has turned into a slow process of people I like or who are growing on me (Katie, Stephen, Jade) then making an alliance with Adam and then going right back to square one. Jade tells everyone that she really fought her corner in the boardroom, and Tom says that yeah, Azhar really didn’t want to beg like a desper…I mean “put himself out there”, so that’s probably why he went. Jade then justifies the levels of fight she put up, prompting Adam to actually say

WELL DONE YOU

“well done you, of course you should fight for it, well done”.

Why not stand up and pat her on the forehead whilst you’re at it Adam?


Next Week :

BA-WOO!

MARIA’S BACK, AND SHE’S CHANGED! BA-WOOOOOOO!

7 down, 8 to go

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34 thoughts on “The Apprentice 8 – Episode 7

  1. Verns

    Jeez, it says a lot about your readers that, at the time of writing, the majority of us would have bought the COOT hot water bottles. Brilliant blogging, as ever, Monkseal.

    Reply
  2. Hoodles37

    Love the blog. What’s with picture of Holly and Artem? I’ve seen it a few times but I don’t get it.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      The Holly picture heralds a particularly lame joke, usually a pun, and indicates that I’ve said something just because its lameness as a joke amused me.

      Reply
  3. fused

    I love Jade, but I was expecting her to be fired almost all the way through this episode. I felt a bit sorry for her with how overwhelmed she seemed on this task, and her performance in the boardroom was catestrophopic, up until she made her case for bringing Azhar in. Azhar was quite dull, and when he wasn’t he was a bit irritating, so I’m fairly pleased he went. He lasted much longer than I expected him to though.

    Talking of which, I never expected Jenna to last this long, but I really like her now. I didn’t mind Adam in this episode, although I can’t see that lasting. I’ve never liked Ricky or Stephen much, particularly Stephen, so unsurprisingly the scenes where they were a double act were my least favourite ones in this episode.

    Reply
    1. fused

      Sorry, that was meant to be “her performance in the boardroom was catastrophic”, but still not as catastrophic as my spelling of it in the above post.

      Reply
    2. monkseal Post author

      I quite enjoyed those scenes just for how much Stephen really tried to amp Ricky Martin up like Stephen was the expert, and then Ricky Martin just zoomed past him. I’m thinking Stephen needs to stick with people more easily awed by his charms, like Adam and/or Katie.

      Reply
  4. Allgrownup

    The picture sequence of Kaen’s HM Tom-gasm was fantastic, I nearly choked laughing. Brilliant screengrabbing skills there! 😀

    Reply
  5. Ross

    Fantastic recap as always – loved “you know, as Jesus”. 😀

    Jade was just so shambolic this task that I can hardly believe she came across as capable up until now. That worried penguin suddenly seems very far off. That said Azar had long outlived his usefulness so I wasn’t too distraught to see him go but if ever a task had called for a double firing…

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I am wondering when the double firing is coming. I was fully expecting Azhar to eat it last week alongside Katie, but apparently that was just a delayed reaction.

      Reply
  6. Ferny

    That is the perfect thumbnail for Azhar lol
    I can’t wait for the art task – I mean I just have to think about Adam selling art and I laugh.

    Also, Nick’s nose looks like it is chiselled from stone.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m sure it will the most enthusiastic performance on a task of this type since his namesake in Series 3.

      Reply
  7. Shrinking Man

    Gabrielle always seems to do that “standing with her legs crossed” thing when being addressed by LordSurallen or waiting to go into the boardroom. I can’t decide if it’s a) annoying, b) sexy, or c) annoying and sexy.

    Reply
    1. Neio

      I think her legs-crossed thing is like the opposite of Kaen’s “the vagina is open” hand signals.

      Reply
      1. monkseal Post author

        When IS Kaen’s vagina going to open this series? I am past bored of waiting.

  8. MsTinsel

    At least Kaen hasn’t forgotten all she learnt in her Convent of St Croesus school days, hence her most heart-felt utterance so far: “Thank GOD someone’s thinking about the money!” *genuflects at the shrine of St Tom*. Do you reckon “Think about the Money” was the school motto?

    Reply
      1. MsTinsel

        Yeah; could have been a great trump card for Kaen to produce when Jane played her “As a mum” catchphrase. “As a nun” wins the moral high ground points so much more convincingly….

  9. tabithakitten

    Maybe it’s just my eyes but I think that Tom could also be having his tea with Nick and Gabrielle there. Insert threesome fanfics at will. Either that or Nick’s been eating Ready Brek and has that warm glow.

    I also like the fact that Nick has now beaten both his Apprentice “girlfriends”.

    “I’m not here to make friends.”

    Reply
  10. FuTeffla

    I love that 90% of the time, Tom pulls a face like he’s a sulky teenager and he’s been forced to spend the weekend following his parents around while they shop for new curtains because all of his friends went away on gap years and otherwise he’d just have to hang around the house all day eating Shreddies and his mum is so embarrassing and GOD HE’S SO SICK OF EVERYTHING.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I can’t remember a bigger eye-roller in the show’s history. I hope it’s how he responds when he wins.

      Reply
  11. moreglitterplease

    After everything this show has done, it cannot offend me with it’s stereotyping. I am numb to it now. In fact, I find it quite funny that I was born in Basildon and have lived in Essex all my life, and I’m about as tanned (fake or otherwise) as Wednesday from (the epicness that was) The Addams Family Values.

    Reply

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