Guess what task it’s time for? That’s right, it’s time to “SMELL WHAT SELLS!”, which is apparently now Lordalan’s favourite task of them all. For those of us who remember last year’s first iteration, this will come as somewhat of a surprise, as he spent most of it screaming at everyone that they were DOING IT WRONG. Still, this time someone has to understand how it works right? RIGHT?
Project Managers are Nick, because he wins a 2-1 vote over Ricky Martin, and Jade, because Lordalan sits her down, ties her to a chair, repeatedly flashes a torch in her face and drones “you will be Project Manager, you will be Project Manager, you will be Project Manager”. She just about gets the hint, although at times during the task she does seem to forget. Easily done. Oh yeah, and there’s a team switch, but it’s Laura and Stephen swapping sides, so nobody cares. Lordalan says that this is “to even the teams up” and given that Stephen is moving to a team that just won, I hope this means that he realises that Stephen sucks. Not so much that it’s because he thinks Laura is amazing.
Anyway, THE TASK. The teams will be SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING! in Essex, which means there’s lots of references to TOWIE and fake-tan and reem and well-jell and I dunno, Snooki’s Poof or whatever happens on that show. I do know that a large part of it revolves around sprucing up bland twats to make them look more exciting, MUCH LIKE THIS SHOW THEN (ROFL ROFL ROFL VAJAZZLE ROFL). Sterling gets its second week in a row of mostly positive edits, with the only kinks being the team briefly running out of stock due to mild mismanagement on Nick’s part and Ricky Martin and Stephen’s jealousy over Jenna’s status as BEAUTY QUEEN OF ESSEX, as she sells out of fake tan and fake nails and…I dunno, boob implants or whatever. Otherwise though, Nick’s strategy is “SMELL WHAT SELLS!” so they win.
Jade on the other hand, has no such strategy, as Azhar delights in pointing out over and over again. At some points during the day, the following short-term make-shift strategies emerge :
b) I dunno
c) Oh, just do what you want, I’m not bothered
d) FUCK OFF AZHAR
e) OH MY GOD, AZHAR IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING
f) DIE AZHAR DIE
g) (Scooby Doo) RHY DON’T RHOW! (/Scooby Doo)
None of these are “SELL WHAT SMELLS!” so she loses, despite Adam’s terrifying “Post-Apocalyptic Preacher” sales technique (that apparently works wonders, especially on Kaen’s vahjayjay), and Tom being right about everything as per usual.
Back in the Boardroom, the whole affair resolves into two basic themes :
a) a lengthy sloppy blow-job of Tom where he gets to explain away every even possibly minorly incorrect thing he did and then everyone (including Jade, who brought him in there) spends half an hour telling him that he deserves so much better than being in this boardroom with these mere mortals and forgive them father for they know not what they do, and if he waits around for another month they’ll let him win and now they’ve done this awful thing to him he can win TWICE and they’ll cancel the next series and just air his bored sour face being right about everything for an hour a week on BBC One and then wonder why the ratings are down
b) Jade and Azhar having a cat-fight in which Jade hauls out her business plan, her spotless character, her school attendance record and just…general yelling and Azhar just sits in the corner saying “strategeh, strategeh, strategeh, strategeh” over and over again until Lordalan fires him because, whilst Jade did more wrong on this task, Azhar seems to find it hard to relate to other human beings on any sort of workable level.
Given that he came in calling himself a MASTER-PUPPETTEER this is actually…kind of a satisfying story-arc and ending for him? I am shocked. Maybe the edit makes some sense this series after all. In parts. Occasionally.