The Voice – Episode 4 (Auditions)

Jessie-Jessie J, don’t you ever let them say, your decision-making skills, are less than perfect…

It’s the last episode of Blind Auditions, so we’re reminded of Just How Tough The Competition Is by a quick recap of how many places the judges have got left on their teams.

Two!
T-T-T-T-T-T-T-Two!
Two!
Er, three!

So that’s nine places left to fill. To put that into a wider context, that’s one more person than got selected in episode one, and only one fewer than got selected in episode two. So it’s probably not going to be that much more selective than a normal show. Really, the only difference is going to be when Team Tom is full and he can’t just whomp that button for anyone who exceeds a certain number of decibels. (I was hoping 2 To Find were going to be a girl at a piano and her deaf friend. THE POOR BOY CAN’T HEAR, WILL.I.AM! – Chris)

TONIGHT!

Mmm, dungarees

JESSIE J WEARS A DIFFERENT OUTFIT! Don’t get too excited, though – it’s only for the purpose of a pre-titles VT about how the competition’s tough, and then she’s back to that Turner Prize-winning shirt with the pointy collar. Still, I’m sure she’s got all manner of sartorial excitement planned for next week. In the meantime

THE VOICE

IT’S ON LIKE FUNKY KONG!

After a pleasing minimum of general faffing, we get straight on to Audition #1

E-E-E-E-E-Emmy J

She’s a “children’s writer and entertainer”, which means she does things like this

From Len, a ten

for a living. I’m not sure who that other chap is, but I’m going to assume that he’s one of those losers who’s actually perfectly happy with his day-job and doesn’t dream of being a RECORDING ARTISTE. Anyway, Emmy demonstrates that she’s one of those children’s entertainers who is birthday-party-clown levels of terrifying because

Mummy!

this is the face she makes while telling the members of The Jingle Jangle Club that “that was very beautiful, everybody”. I mean, I felt a sudden compulsion to apologise to her for letting myself down, and I wasn’t even there.

She chortles that she’s used to dealing with children, so hopefully the coaches will be somewhat easier to deal with.

Gulp
Nyah-nyah
*raspberry*
*pout*

And after this little montage of the coaches displaying their awesome maturity, I expect Emmy J not to bother with the actual singing when she comes out, but just to inform them all curtly that if they don’t all turn around RIGHT NOW, then they can’t have a wowwipop, and they can absolutely forget about staying up late to watch 64 Zoo Lane before going to bed. (Oh please, she’s not one of those children’s entertainers. She’s clearly one of those Drama Workshop people who come and give the children dreams about, like, achieving their dreams, and then run off to leave the teachers to clean up the CARNAGE – Chris) Apparently, she’s planning to sing after all, and voices over that she doesn’t have the biggest voice, but that she hopes the coaches will hear she has “something different”.

Tell me your favourite song

Which is apparently a fairly rote cover of Corinne Bailey Rae, with some Scooby Doo-style enunciation. Backstage,

Who's who?

they really need to get people to start standing in the right order, otherwise it just looks like her mum’s a cougar and Emmy J is acting out by finding herself a sugar daddy. Danny continues to make his own informed decisions based solely on the quality of The Voice

*absence of opinions*

sorry, my mistake, he’s just trolling William as usual. There’s a lot of button-teasing for a while, but little action, and just when the unthinkable looks set to happen and we start the episode with someone getting rejected, William decides that yes, he would like Emmy for Team William, and press his button. Inevitably, this means that

Quelle surprise

Danny’s right behind him, because he is literally incapable of thinking for himself. Tom’s right behind them as well, and I will forever love Jessie J for

Yea...
...nah

almost following suit but changing her mind at the last second and going “nah, fuck it”. It’s times like this that I really wish I had the time/ability to do gifs for this recaps because still images can’t quite do justice to that moment, but trust me, it was excellent.

Emmy J tells the judges that her name is “Emily-Jane”, and William tells her that there was a part where she was pitchy, but who cares?

Bitch, what you say?

Judging by the look on her face, I’d say Emmy J cares a little bit. William had better watch himself, or he’s going straight to the naughty corner to face the wall for 10 minutes. (Which might actually be where the idea for this show came from in the first place.) William continues to lose himself a team-member by piling on that if she sang off-pitch at a concert, he wouldn’t tweet about it, he’d say “Dang, Em rocked it.” Yeah, she’s not picking him. Let’s move on, quickly. Tom tells her that he was listening out for the tone of her voice, and this is of course the segue into a tale of how he’s duetted with Aretha Franklin, Janis Joplin, Patti Smith, Rufus Wainwright and Hannah Montana, so he knows good singing, right? Emmy

HMMMMMMM

remains displeased, apparently. Danny babbles on about her having a “signature sonic thumbprint”, and then it’s time for Emmy to choose. William chants “Will. Pick Will.” into his mic, leading Jessie to decide to take control of the situation by

Clean-up in aisle four

doing a Blind Date-style voiceover reminding Emmy of her options, in an unplaceable accent. I don’t know if she’s trying to be Cilla or Our Graham, but whichever one it is, she’s not pulling it off in the slightest. This leads Danny in turn to announce straight into his microphone

Where's that kid with my latte?

that perhaps Jessie should shut the fuck up now, and for the first time in the entire series, I agree with him. Anyway, it’s time for Emmy to choose, and to no one’s great surprise

The man who can be moved

she’s Team Danny, because he’s the only coach who didn’t insult her or go into an extended monologue about Elkie Brooks. She runs backstage to hug her mum while

That's fine, I'll get my hug later, mumble mumble...

her nerdy boyfriend looks super-awkward and doesn’t know what to do with himself. Bless. Holly reminds us that Danny only has one spot left to fill on his team, and Danny brags to the others that he’s got “a rainbow” of people on his team: “a rock, a pop, a James Morrison, an Olly Murs”. Even if we leave aside his bizarre assertion that having an Olly Murs is a good thing, there’s still the unsettling fact that Danny has discovered the world’s first rainbow with albinism. Jessie J does pretty much the only sensible thing you can do at this point: she pretends she can’t hear him.

WURP?

SICK BURN! Audition #2, then is

J-J-J-Jenny Jones

Allow me to scream “MIDLANDS REPRESENT!” in Chris’s absence. Jenny started singing in church, before moving onto the nightclub scene. She then offers “my career was going really well, I’d just toured with Basshunter.”

Bass: found

In terms of things that do not work together in the same sentence, that’s right up there with “my love life was taking a turn for the better, I’d just got engaged to Darren Day.” She then goes for the tragic backstory edit by saying that she thought her career was over when she contracted meningitis, but the narrative of this story seems to be “I had meningitis, then I got better.” It’s a bit underwhelming; I’ve seen more dramatic tension in a game of Angry Birds. Anyway, in obvious-metaphor news

The W and the O fell off

Jenny works in this pub, and sings while she works.

Two pints of Stella and a verse of 'Price Tag' when you're ready, love

You know, you could probably put the microphone down while you’re pulling a pint, love. I know you want all your customers to know that you’re better than this, but the head on that pint is going to be all wrong. And you’ll never get anywhere in the music industry if you’re no good with head.

Lolly Valance

Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Anyway, Jenny frets about this being the first time she’s been “back in the limelight” and takes to the stage to sing.

WEH WEH WEH--oops, wrong song.

Tom considers going quite early on, but Danny leaps right in to yell “THINKING ABOUT TURNIN’ ARE YA?” in his face, and Tom changes his mind. I’m sure Jenny will be thrilled about that when she watches this back. Having harrassed Tom, Danny decides to ignore Jenny some more and cranes to look at what William’s doing. William decides he wants a piece of this and

Turnabout is fair play

SURPRISE SURPRISE. If I were producing this show, I’d just wire Danny’s chair to turn around whenever William presses his button, and give Danny the day off. Everybody wins that way. Failing that, I’d just wire it to give him a small electric shock every time he looks at the other judges. Like I said, everybody wins.

William tells Jenny that he was trying not to press his button because he knew that SOMEBODY would be right behind him, and Danny’s all “LOL, yes, I have no opinions.” He assures her that he wanted her from the word go, but was waiting until the last minute to play his hand. Danny makes up something about needing to hear how she coped on the high notes near the end. You know, the ones she did around the time William pressed his button. Total coincidence, honest. Jessie likes Jenny’s growl (FNAR), but didn’t turn around because of her sloppy diction.

Not quite ready to decide yet, Jenny asks what they can do for her, and Danny’s all “erm, your REPERTOIRE and your EMOTION!”, which doesn’t really answer her question, while William says that he wants to find out what her dreams are and how he can help turn them into reality. Even the audience have realised that Danny’s full of shit and are shouting for Jenny to choose William.

Choose William, choose life

She does. Hooray! I like how, in a West Midlands accent, there’s pretty much no difference between “I’m going to go with will.i.am” and “I’m going to go with Will, I am.” Reggie plays up the tedious “battle” between William and Danny, and Danny says that whenever he turns around, William’s already there, and they just need to establish who’s copying who.

Ain't me, guv, honest

I think you kind of answered your own question there. Moron. William’s response to this? “That’s his tactics. I don’t got tactics, I got Tic Tacs, because I stay fresh. Holla.”

Holla.

Other breath fresheners are available. (You know who else had tic-tacs? Jade Goody. – Chris)

Audition #4 (yes, I know), and yet another person who has “already tasted fame” and is back for another shot:

I lake it lake that

Ben won an award for appearing in Jerry Springer: The Opera and now he’s here. And we all know how much this show loves award-winning stage performers, right Kerry Ellis? Ben laments that being a singer is a hard business, and even the award didn’t really get the phone ringing for him. I can relate; I’m with Virgin Media as well. Incompetent bastards. He says that he’s pinning all of his hopes on this competition, which I’m sure will end well, but before that, we must go to

Siaaaaaaaaaannnnn.....

Audition #3, Sophie Webster from Coronation Street. When she’s not being soap’s most annoying teenage lesbian, she’s going by the name of Sophie Griffin in the hope that she can enter the music business without everyone asking her where Rosie is. (I was hoping she was going to turn out to be Nick Griffin’s daughter, singing songs about Aryan purity, THEN WE’D SEE HOW MUCH IT WAS ABOUT THE VOICE, EH BBC? – Chris) She’s been gigging to small crowds in pubs, but doesn’t mind because she’s doing it for the love. Speaking of love, Reggie quizzes her about her affection for Danny, which is apparently a thing. She’s been to see him twice in concert. Look!

You are here

Where’s Wally? got a lot harder when he stopped wearing that conspicuous stripy jumper and bobble hat, didn’t it? Sophie’s very nervous about singing in front of Danny, because she WUVS HIM.

Ribena, I know what you're drinkin'

She’s choosing to sing the rapped bits, which is an interesting decision, and one that I think reflects reasonably well on her, because she pulls it off, just about. Backstage, Reggie reminds us that William produced this song, while Sophie’s dad yells for Danny to pick her because it’ll make her day. The editors give us lots of button-teasing from Danny, but in the end it’s

Just William

just William who decides to take her on. Sophie and her awful leggings (REPRESENTING WOMEN EVERYWHERE!) are ecstatic that anyone turned at all, but then all the other seats revolve and she gets all giggly at seeing Danny. Of course, it’s down to Danny to interview her and he asks her what music she likes (again giving the impression that the coaches are pretty well-briefed on these people) and she replies “YOU! YOU! I LOVE YOU! I MEAN THIS ONE TIME I WENT TO YOUR CONCERT AND MY FRIEND KATHLEEN FAKED PASSING OUT BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT IT MEANT WE WOULD GET TO GO BACKSTAGE AND SEE YOU BUT THEN THEY TOOK US TO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PART OF THE BUILDING AND IT WAS JUST THIS SWEATY PARAMEDIC AND I DIDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR LIKE SIX MONTHS BECAUSE SHE MADE ME MISS THE ENCORE BUT OHMYGOD I STILL LOVE YOU!” Danny is

Restraining order

naturally humbled by this. William, to his credit, doesn’t seem to mind being completely ignored by her, and tells her that he turned around because he remembers co-writing and producing this song, and he thinks that it’s dope that she doesn’t sing it like Estelle did. Better late than never, Sophie realises that William picked her for his team and

OMGWTFBBQ

freaks the fuck out backstage. Reggie teases her about Danny not turning around, and Sophie assures us she was always definitely a William fan and that she’s now realised that Danny smells, or something.

So William and Danny both just have one spot left, with Jessie and Tom still needing two to complete their teams. Then we’re back to Audition #4, Ben Lake, who says that this is his last attempt to show what he’s got.

I Who Have Nothing
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Some songs just come with their own in-built ironies, don’t they? Tom apologises that the song was a bit too operatic for him, but he urges Ben to keep going. (The patronising tit – Chris) Jessie tells him that his voice is amazing, but as a pop singer-songwriter she felt unable to bring much to the table for him. Also, she thought he was a woman to begin with. Ben departs, but says that the warmth of the audience encouraged him to keep going anyway. Yay?

Holly wonders what it might take to get the coaches to turn around at this late stage. Jessie says that

And a little bit of this, and a little bit of that...

she wants them to sing ‘The Birdie Song’. Thanks Jessie J! Next it’s Audition #5 and

R&B and Susan

they’ve helpfully included their genre in their group name. Would that more acts were that considerate. They walk a fine line between being endearing and irritating – for me they’re just about on the former side, but I can see how they’d go the other way for a lot of people. (FNAR.) Pixie giggles that the reason they hang out together all the time is because no one else likes them.

LOL LONERS

That’s several layers of self-awareness above what I expect from a contestant on this show, so good for them. They want to bring back a sort of Spice Girls sensibility (on a show that’s all about THE VOICE LOL – Chris) and are hoping to get Jessie J as a mentor. They take to the stage and sing ‘Perfect’ (P!nk, not Fairground Attraction, just to clarify) and the minute they start busting out the harmonies, Jessie turns around. As the girls themselves predicted, this makes them go completely to pieces and their vocals are suddenly all over the place, at which point Jessie

Help me William, you're my only hope

frantically tries to get somebody, ANYBODY to turn around and save her. In the end, all four coaches decide to turn for these girls, but we know that Jessie’s getting them because we saw the VT. The vocals get worse the longer the song goes on, but these girls are sitting pretty whatever happens. I could go into detail telling you the offers that the other coaches make to them, but I’d really only be delaying the inevitable.

Ooh, me knees gave out

Jessie admits in a post-recording VT that these two are going to be “a challenge”. I would advise people not to bet money on Indie and Pixie surviving the battle round. Just an inkling.

Time for Audition #6

This is Lindsey

who tells us she wanted to be a singer, but then she had children. And as we all know, a woman couldn’t possibly have a career and a family. That’s just madness. She lacks confidence in her looks, and therefore obviously this is the perfect show for her. She sings ‘I Don’t Want To Talk About It’, and throughout her performance Tom is clearly getting all choked up, so

That'll do for me

bada-bing-bada-boom. Danny deliberates turning as well, but I think it’s just a desperate grab for attention since he’s only got one space left, so he can’t just go turning willy-nilly, but he wants us to remember he exists. Tom tells Lindsey they’re going to beat “these people” together, so Lindsey hugs him and exclaims “ooh, Tom Jones!” which strikes me as hilarious for reasons I can’t quite pin down. Tom tells us that Lindsey is old-school, “like Adele”. All righty then. This leaves everyone with just one spot left on their team, for those of you keeping count.

Next up is Audition #7

SPECIAL SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE

Janet Devlin, who explains that she is a special snowflake because she doesn’t have the same sort of music on her iPod as her friends do. Frankly, I’m disappointed that she’s so mainstream she even owns an iPod in the first place. I’d expect her to listen to vinyl records on a device she built herself made from twigs and twine. She bores on about how

Good clean fun for all the family

festivals added to her love of music because of the amazing atmosphere, and tells us that she’s a little bit of a hippie at heart. Not that this show’s setting Harriet up for a massively pretentious fall or anything, but Reggie asks if she’s at college or anything, and Harriet’s all “No! The best education I could get was from life, so I got myself a guitarist and went on the road!” Harriet is 17, by the way. (And what else is being 17 for? – Chris)

Harriet takes to the stage and sings

25 years and a pogo stick

giving it the O’Riordan yelp and breathily emphasising phrases like “brotherhood of man”, because she thinks those are the most meaningful parts. Oh Harriet. I’d be the first to admit that she has actually got a pretty good voice, but it’s so far buried beneath all the affectations that you’d have to weigh up whether you think you’d have time to beat them out of her before the battle rounds. Er, figuratively speaking, of course. Her time’s nearly up and

Poundin' the ground

Harriet sinks to her knees in conviction/desperation (delete as applicable) (It’s rickets. It’s hard out there on the road – Chris). William tries to convince Danny to turn around, but Danny’s having none of it.

No, there might be another bloke with a guitar in a minute...

I’m not sure who that’s meant to be, exactly. Hannah? Bo? And it’s not exactly like Danny was sticking to this rule when he picked, say, Murray and David for his team, but eh, it’s Danny. I’ll be cold in the ground before I waste any more energy than this trying to work out how his mind works. Anyway, it’s ALL ABOUT THE VOICE but not for Harriet, because no one turns around for her. I know, I’m sure you’re all gutted. Danny apologises to Harriet for not picking her, but cites the overabundance of people like her on his team. Which currently has six men and only three women. Again, just saying. Jessie J says “this show kinda sucks”

Sucks, I tells ya

“because we can only pick 10 people.” Phew! Dodged the ire of Danny Cohen – not to mention EVIL MOIRA ROSS – there, Jessie. If she had more space, she totally would’ve wanted Harriet. Tom agrees that she has a beautiful voice. William tells Harriet that she has a wonderful talent, and this won’t be the last we see of her. Danny adds that she’s gorgeous. I mean…is he trying to be rebelliously off-message, or is he just an idiot? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE VOICE, DANNY. Harriet potters off to apply for a spot on the Hemp Stage at the Patchouli Festival, where they appreciate her, dammit.

Holly informs us that the contestants yet to audition have no idea how few spots they’re competing for. Hmm. Up next is Audition #8

John James Jeremy Judith

who likes to keep it in the family, hopefully not quite in the same way that Cris Grixtin and his mum/fiancée/friend did last week. His father’s in a band called The Marmalade, he explains, while his brother is

Waterloo Road, road, I play a slapper, Tom Chambers is crapper...

a celebrated headteacher currently trying to turn around a troubled school in Rochdale (soon to relocate to Scotland), so he’s from a big clan of performers. He grew up around music and

Blonde bombsite

questionable hair-bleaching decisions (we’ve all been there). He says that he’s proud of his father and brother and they’re proud of it. Not sure where his LOSER MOTHER fits into this, but there you go.

Found it on Google

Oh good, another “look at my artistry with this mash-up I nicked off the internet” entry. I just can’t get enough of those. He’s singing it in an annoying cod-reggae fashion while dancing like

Dance like nobody's watching

John Thomson, and it’s really not for me, at all, ever. As is customary at this point, the judges argue amongst themselves over whose team doesn’t already have someone like this, with Danny once again that he’s “already got two like him”, except that’s a thing that only applies to girls, because he eventually snaps and pushes his button as does

Sure, why not?

Tom, at the very last moment. Jessie J sings at him to enquire what his name is (stuff like that is one of the few things that’s stopping me being wholly Team Jessie J at this point. Well, that, and every record she’s ever released) and once that’s been established, Tom tells John James that he needs a voice like that on his team. Danny thinks that John James sounds old but current at the same time, and has a great tone. Jessie asks John James who he’s going to pick, and Danny makes the exact same “legend/leg-end” joke that he made earlier in the show. There are cameras and microphones in the studio, Danny. They catch these things, and you really don’t want to give your detractors any more material than we–I mean, they’ve got already. Anyway, John James decides to join Danny’s Team Of Bland White Men (And A Few Token Females), and gives Tom some

My husband, Billy Connolly

prayer hands as a consolation prize. It’s like Dr Hamela never left us, isn’t it? So Team Danny is now complete, and for a blissful moment it looks like

Later, losers

Danny might be packing his shit up and fucking the fuck off, leaving us to finally experience what the show would be like without his toxic presence, but sadly no. He’s here for the duration, like that one patch of mould on the bathroom grouting that just won’t go away, no matter how much Domestos you chuck at it. We get a reminder of the “rainbow” that is Team Danny and

I can sing a rainbow
Sing a rainbow
Sing a rainbow
A rather bland rainbow

Mmm, diversity.

Coming up! A magical conclusion, apparently. I’m assuming this means somebody who played Madame Rosmerta in one film from the Harry Potter franchise and is now back for another bite of the fame cherry.

Next up is Audition #9

StRuth!

who’s a (loud) choir singer with chronic shyness, who becomes someone else when she’s on stage. Reggie tells Ruth that she has the biggest smile in the competition and she

Nil by mouth

devours him whole for his cheek. Ruth talks a bit about her dead dad, who passed away in December, and was trying to help her out with her (loud) singing career and was very happy for her to apply for this show. And that’s it. If the show can get through this without reaching into the “I’m sure your dad’s looking down on you proudly right now” bucket, then I’m good. I don’t mind this level of backstory when it’s raised and finished within five seconds. (I had an ex-boyfriend with that problem.) For a second I think she’s going to sing ‘Clocks’ (loudly), but no,

Guetta get through this

that’s better. She’s a little rough on the (loud) bottom notes, but she’s very, very (very, very) loud, so

Ding dong!

Tom’s happy. And to be fair, she held that (loud) last note for a ridiculous length of time. Even I was impressed, and I’m on the internet, so I’m cynical about everything. “Anybody with lungs like that has got to be…something,” says Tom, happily. I’m guessing he wasn’t cast for his skill with an aphorism. Jessie J compliments Ruth on the (loud) held note too, and adds that she loves her (loud) style, and that she thinks Tom will be a perfect mentor for her. Ruth full-on

GLOMP

hurls herself at Tom like Gavin Henson at a reality show opportunity, and Team Tom is officially complete. From the recap footage, it’s a proper ragtag bunch, so I’m curious as to what Tom’s strategy is, beyond “hear singing; push button”. I daresay we’ll find out in the next few weeks. (Ruth was loud – Chris)

It’s now down to Jessie and William to pick their last act each: Jessie would like another girl, with a big vocal, while William tells us that he has a STRATEGY, but not what that strategy is. Illuminating!

Once again Holly reminds us that the next act is oblivious to the fact that they’re fighting for one of two remaining places. I don’t get this. What harm is there in making them aware of that? At least tell them “only Jessie J and William have got any spots left” so they can think about how best to tailor their performance to make them turn around. Keeping them in the dark seems like something you’d do to pointlessly manufacture drama, and we know this show would never do THAT.

Anyway, audition #10

Super-relaxed

is a teenager with an embarrassing mother, who loudly announces to the camera

I've got some potty training photos somewhere...

(with some degree of glee, I might add) that Becky became a monster the second she hit 13, like in Kevin and Perry. SHE PULLS FACES! SHE HAS TEENAGE FRIENDS WHO SIT ON HER BED! To her credit, Becky responds to this shameless character assassination by

Yeah, you've got me bang to rights

agreeing that she has the worst mood swings going, gets angry over nothing, screams the house down and wonders why she did it afterwards. Having just cast their daughter as Katie Ka-Boom to around ten million viewers, Becky’s evil parents cackle that they love her really and she’s fine apart from all those unsightly character traits they just mentioned. I’m guessing the show wasn’t expecting to get this far before all the teams filled up, considering we just spent 45 seconds on a backstory that amounts to “is an adolescent”. Becky says that she wants to be someone who’s remembered for years to come.

Becky’s mum chortles backstage on Becky’s behalf that “she’s extremely nervous” while Becky takes to the stage

Dead normal like

and within five seconds of her starting to sing:

YES
YES
LOL

Yeah, I’d say Becky’s pretty happy with that response. It seems odd that Tom and Danny are being forced to sit with their back to her for the entire performance when they’re not allowed to pick her, but I guess they just didn’t want to confuse Becky by having them face the other way. (Or scare her. It is Tom Jones – Chris) Confusion that could’ve been avoided if they actually told the contestants at this point what the stakes were. Still, she sings to a very receptive Jessie and William, and gets a standing ovation from Danny and Jessie at the end. Jessie tells Becky that she’s the reason she signed up for this show, and Becky flaps rather adorably at this. Jessie continues that she wants Becky for her final team member, and says that this was one of her favourite songs and Becky sang it perhaps even better than the original.

Meanwhile, William

Srs Wllm

gets all weirdly serious and talks about how he wrote this song with John Legend and how it’s about a relationship he was in for nine years and a person that took care of him when he was broke. However, when the Peas sang it, it didn’t sound right, (does anything? – Chris) and he doesn’t think that writing a song means that you own it, so he’d like her on his team because she

Heart beat

took a piece of his heart and sang it her way and made it beautiful. Becky asks William what he’s got to offer her, and instead of saying “um, songs like that one?”, William says that he will bring the best squad to make the best version of her, like he did for Fergie and LMFAO. Becky

LMFAO? LOLWUT.

seems rather unconvinced by this. Clearly, she cares not for this LMFAO. Jessie, meanwhile, goes for “I was you! And I wanted to have a me to look up to!”

The Jessie J that Jessie J wishes Jessie J had when Jessie J was a teenage Jessie J

And it works! So Becky is the last member of Team Jessie, and it’s just William left to complete his team, and

Feelin' good

he’s feeling pretty smug about it, because if anyone amazing turns up now (seems unlikely, but I don’t want to be the one to shatter his dreams), then he has absolutely no competition. And, more to the point, he can make these bitches wait as long as he wants until someone turns up that he likes. Excellent. Bravo, William.

Could audition #11 be that someone?

Are you that someone?

She doesn’t get much of an intro beyond “I’ve been singing forever”, so probably not.

Forever and a day, always

She’s singing it in a slightly hiphoppified way, and it’s not much of an improvement. William is

Think think think

concentrating super-hard, but not hearing what he wants to hear, much to the consternation of

DANNY SMASH

Danny, who is driven to thump the desk in agony, though whether this is because he thought Chloe was really good, or because he just really needs a wee at this point, is undetermined. William tells Chloe that he thought she was perfect, but the reason he didn’t turn around is because he’s one away from topping off (I know how he feels) and while his mind and ears were telling him to hit the button, his gut was telling him to stay put a little longer and see if Danny will actually piss himself right there in the chair. “When my gut talks to me, I listen to her,” he adds, clearly angling to replace Martine McCutcheon as the celebrity face of Activia. (His gut is his mom, he clarifies, just in case you were wondering why it’s female. Although it’s a fairly disquieting image either way.) So it’s a noe for Chloe, and…what’s this? The last two contestants are both expectant dads? Well, isn’t that just a convenient and in no way contrived coincidence! One of them is

Nice

this chap, who’s a singing teacher, who teaches at primary and secondary schools across London.

WERQ

I think we’ll all agree that the lady at the front, on the left as we look at the picture, is well and truly WERKING IT. He says that gospel is a great influence to him, and it’s always good to sing about what you believe. Please, somebody, never repeat that sentiment to Rick Santorum. Anyway, Jaz’s wife is three months pregnant, and he wants to be able to turn around to his future son/daughter (possibly in some sort of elaborate, high-backed red chair) and tell them that they can achieve their dreams.

However, Daniel Walker

One of the Walker brothers

has much the same idea. With a family on the way, he’d like to continue doing what he loves rather than having to settle for something he’s “less passionate about”. Wow, how moving. So Daniel is Audition #12 and therefore I think we already know how this is going to work out. Still, let’s go through the motions all the same:

Ba-da-da, ba-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da

I can say from experience that this song is a right bastard; we sang it with my acapella group at university, and while my job was usually to stand in the background doing the “ba-da-ba”s, one rehearsal saw us without the guy who usually sang the main part, so I had to do it so that the rest of the group could practise their parts, and…let’s just say it wasn’t my finest hour, vocally-speaking. Nonetheless, Daniel does a fine job of it and backstage Reggie tells Daniel’s pregnant partner that he sounds great, and she

Baby on board, something something Burt Ward

murmurs that it doesn’t matter if nobody’s turning around. Advantage, Preggers. The other coaches all petition William to turn around, but he’s not budging. He’s making them AGONISE, dammit. Really THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY COULD’VE HAD. I love William so much right now. But the William is not for turning, and Daniel is devastated, and Preggers mumbles “oh, my baby” (I assume she means the one onstage and not the one in her uterus) and Danny

DAMMIT LET ME OUT

REALLY REALLY needs that wee now, dammit. He makes sure to blame William for the fact that Daniel didn’t get through (stay classy, Danny) and Daniel’s philosophical about it all. Jessie tells Daniel that she’d love to work with him even if he’s not on her team, and Daniel says that anyone who could write something like ‘Price Tag’ is right up his street, and suddenly I lose all sympathy for him. How strange. William thanks Daniel for his time, and doesn’t really give a reason for not picking him. Danny blathers on some more about how EVERYONE AT HOME WILL BE YELLING AT THESE IDIOTS FOR NOT PICKING HIM and…eh, not really. He was good, but I’m not sure the music industry is going to crumble as a result of his absence. Daniel goes backstage to be sweetly consoled by Preggers, and Daniel says that he will focus on getting a job to pay the bills, even if it’s SOMETHING HE’S LESS PASSIONATE ABOUT. God, join 90% of the population already. Sheesh.

Then we’re back to Jaz for Audition #13, so will William’s gamble have paid off?

Ba-da-da-daaa, da-da-daaaaa

My initial response is “no”, because, ugh, Ed Sheeran. A thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters have already written the lyrics for Ed Sheeran’s album. It was actually the first thing they produced. William, on the other hand

Turning, turning, turning through the years

is happy with what he hears, and backstage

Yaaaaaay!

they’re pretty happy too. But probably still not as happy as

*sparkle*

William. That is the face of a contented man right there. Less happy?

Kelis consults her lawyers

I guess after all that he did pee his pants. Poor Danny. William recaps the last five minutes of the show for Jaz’s benefit, all about the benefits of persistence and not pressing your button before you have to, and Jaz is his reward. Will advises every single person on the planet to follow their gut, as a result of this. Or your mom. Maybe even your mom’s gut, whatever works.

Danny begs Jaz to tell him whether he would’ve picked Danny if Danny had been able to turn around for him instead of locking himself down too quickly with Team Bland, and Jessie saves Jaz from having to answer this by sticking her hand in the air and saying “actually, the show’s running a little short, can you sing something else?” Jaz is happy to oblige and why, he wants to sing ‘Ordinary People’ by John Legend. Yet another fortuitous coincidence! You really couldn’t have scripted this!

Anyway, Jaz sings the holiest of all songs, and

*cry*

William’s getting all verklempt over it, and oh look

*tear*

so is Jessie J. Jaz returns to the backstage area where his wife

PREGNANT GLOMP

charges at him at a speed probably not recommended for pregnant women. William talks about how Jaz is

Tired and emotional

“a wonderful, beautiful owl.” I think Drunk On Emotion William is my favourite William of all. Especially when he gets excited about the fact that the guy’s name is Jazz. “His name ain’t Phillip. Like, ‘fillup’ the last spot.” (<3 ❤ <3) “His name exudes exactly what he wants to do. Boom! How do you like them apples?” A lot, William. I like them apples a whole lot.

That’s it for the blind auditions, then. Next week, it’s Battle Weekend, where

BATTLE!

the coaches put their own acts head-to-head to see which half of them get to the live shows (and Chris gets to work Photoshopping that picture up there into something sexual, because DAYUMN GIRL, get a room – Chris). There will probably be tears.

WEEPING!

Okay, there will definitely be tears. (Yeah, not so much this one thanks – Chris) Thank goodness this show’s nothing like The X Factor, eh?

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25 thoughts on “The Voice – Episode 4 (Auditions)

  1. moreglitterplease

    Good thing I’m awake at 20 to 1 in the morning to see this!
    You are very good at this blogging lark. I very much like this.
    I’m glad the sob stories on this show DO NOT EXIST, BECAUSE WE’RE NOT LIKE BLAHDDY X FACTOR, THE GETS! Instead it’s all about the… BANTER!
    I mean voice. No dead relatives who we are trying to make proud here, no siree. In fact, it reminds me of Peter Kay’s Britains got the Pop Factor and possibly a new Jesus Christ Soapstar Skatestar Superstar Strictly on Ice, when the boy got kicked out because he had no sob story, but as soon as his nan died they invited him back.
    That guy at the end of the show did have a very good voice, but… Ed Sheeran. (My friend would probably kill me if she knew I was slagging off any of the Holy Ed Sheeran songs from the Holy Ed Sheeran Bible.)

    Reply
  2. Carl

    Jenny Jones reminds me of Mimi from Shameless, especially when she has the pint. I hope there’s no headbutting.

    Tom Jones doesn’t seem to fit into this show at all.

    Daniel Walker reminds me of a Farscape character.

    Reply
  3. Tim

    Dear oh dear, just how contrived was that ending? Let’s have a guy with an awesome voice on last and then ask him to sing a second song to round it all off in a feel-good way. Was Will-I’m-Not tipped off about this whole shenanigans? Perish the thought. And while we’re at it, let’s show some Tulisa-style ‘amateur footage’ of an, ahem, rendez-vous between Simon and Dannii just to rub salt into BGT’s wounds. Okay, I’m going to stop now …

    Reply
  4. Marcela

    I love you, Monkseal!
    I thought I’d have to wait until the next Strictly to see that glorious Wobbly Balance screencap but you made my day ❤

    Reply
  5. Poppy

    Great write up, thanks Steve. I quite liked the hippy girl, but I was in hospital at the time, so maybe it was the drugs wot did it. I didn’t quite understand why the guy at the end got such a rapturous reception, which left me thinking that maybe I should watch it again at home with better sound…he had a good voice, but not so much better than some of the others. I think Will was tipped off, as well, nobody’s gut is that clever.

    Reply
  6. JillyBoyd

    Lovely write-up! I was really miffed at William for not picking the guy before Jaz. And then proceding to pick Jaz and have him sing Ordinary People. But yeah, he must have been tipped off.

    Nevertheless, I am fully siding with Will, if only for the “I got tic tacs, cos I’m fresh.” And the fact that by siding with Will, I will in some way piss off Danny. The tit.

    Holly’s limp hand = never grows old.

    Reply

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