The Voice – Episode 3 (Auditions)

I was friends with Amy Winehouse. Well, I met her once. Well, I went to one of her gigs. Well, I saw it on tv. Well, an advert for it.

We open with everyone pimping out how unique and beautiful and pure the Blind Audition process is. You never know what you’re going to get. Man or woman. Black or white. Christian or Atheist. Human or dancer. Man or muppet or muppet of a man or very manly muppet. Paula Abdul or MC Skat Kat. Someone whose mum died or someone whose dad died. Someone who auditioned for X Factor or someone who had a failed pop career in the 90s. That’s the joy of…

THE VOICE

THE VOICE (BLIND AUDITIONS).

The coaches remind us of the format – each coach is looking for 10 acts (apart from Tom Jones, who appears to be trying to build a team of about 50); a person sings directly into their sphincters and if they like it, they press their button and turn around for them ; if only one person turns around, the contestant is automatically stuck with them, even if it’s Him From The Script, no backsies ; if more than one coach turns around then the contestant gets to pick, because they have CREATIVE CONTROL (between a Black Eyed Pea and Leathery Old Scrotum who knew Elvis you know) ; if no-one turns around, we all point and laugh, but not in a BAD WAY ; unless it’s Twinings Tea and we hate her because she’s beautiful ; Jessie J

OMG MY FACE IT IS FACEING

makes faces throughout.

So far Tom has 6 singers, including a Five-Star and a Buttery Biscuit-Base. Jessie has 5, including a Youtube Sensation and a Futurepoof. Danny has 4 and they’re all the same and I have no interest in any of them. And William has 3, including xRubyRedDivax.

You know how they say that dogs resemble their owners :

So similar
So similar
So...erm...yeah

/are black, but I needed to finish the joke somehow, I’m not being racist, don’t look at me like that. Oh and all of Danny’s acts look like him, all of them, IN THEIR SOULS, or something.

TONIGHT!

CAT-FIIIIIIIIIGHT

NO JUDGE DRAMA, IT’S ALL ABOUT…THE VOICE!

Anyway, it’s the half-way stage, and that means the pressure is on for the judges to fill their teams/William to get anyone to like him, anyone at all. Jessie J

*primp primp*

applies her make-up (cement mixer just out of shot), Danny

WOOF WOOF WOOF

requests the attention that he’s apparently been so starved of thus far in his life, and Tom

Shiny shine

wishes he had eyes in the back of his head. Presumably so he can have the same close-up shot of well-worn leather that we have right now.

Audition #1 is…well “Respect” is playing on the soundtrack, so you KNOW it’s a black woman. Or a fat white woman. [Or a sassy gay. – Steve] Either way. In this case it’s the former,

JOELLE

Joelle Moses. (How unfortunate for her to audition for X Factor the same year as Alexandra Burke AND Rachel Hylton, meaning she was never going to get a spot no matter how spot on her Whitneyisms). She tells us that she’s been a backing singer for Gabriella Cilmi and Toni Braxton, and life’s hard for a backing singer, because on the one hand you’re singing these amazing songs with these great artists (and Gabriella Cilmi) but on the other you kind of want to punch the smug bitch in the face, knock her out, grab the mic, and honk out your song you wrote yourself about being a jet-fighter (but at the same time also a paper airplane).

I think the more interesting backstory is that she’s

IT'S YER BOY!

married to a cushion, but that’s just me. She has this vaguely plasticky Eve Harrington “I’M THE STAR NOW” face on her the whole time which is both amazing and

I'M SO READY

slightly unnerving.

She heads out to the stage to sing “Rolling In The Deep”, and she gives it the proper full-on

WAH WAH WAH

toddler tantrum rendition I feel the song was written for. She gets William first, quickly, then Danny follows in quick succession. Tom, and then finally Jessie all go for her as well, with her family (and Holly) getting progressively more

WAHHHHHHHH

mental each time. Seriously, I can’t wait for the family to scream so loud for the first turner that nobody else turns just because the other judges think the performance took a turn for the screechy. No record of what her husband the cushion thinks. He’s just laid back on the sofa, rubbing up against all the other cushions (THE DOG).

She gets a standing ovation from both the audience and the judges, huzzah. I think this much adoration in one go frazzles her brain, because she appears to have become confused about the rules of the show.

THE VOICE (of the judges)

You’re allowed to look at the judges when you make your decision dear. Nobody cares if you pick them on the basis of what they look like (/think they’ve come dressed as). Jessie and Danny both run up to Joelle to give her a hug, but Danny gets bored halfway there and runs back to his chair. Joelle cries. A lot.

Danny starts the stumping for the judges, by saying that she had him from the first couple of bars, and she made the song her own. I’m not just saying this because he’s Irish, but he really is turning into the Louis isn’t he? He says he thinks they’d have chemistry together, and Jessie goes “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” like a 6 year old/Friends audience member. Danny’s all

WOAH WOAH WOAH

no, no, NOT IN THAT WAY! It’s alright Danny – she’s married, but it’s to a cushion. I think you could take him. He closes by telling Joelle that he’d give his left arm to work with her. I hope Danny gives up all his limbs over the course of the episode, and is forced to just headbutt the button to turn his chair.

Jessie follows saying that when she heard Joelle’s voice, she wanted to write a song for it, which is a HYOOGE compliment, because she’s very picky about who she writes for. She loves that Joelle sang a song with a story. You wait til she does Puff The Magic Dragon in the Battle Rounds Jessie. Blowaway stuff. Danny breaks in to say that too much of the same thing can be bad. Yes Danny, let’s look at your category so far…yes, done, I agree.

William points out that, whilst he can’t sing like Jessie or Joelle or Adele or…well, anyone, he is a big producer and that so there. Tom meanwhile

H'nnnng

has chest pains, so we need to get this over with quickly. Danny has one less desperate throw of the dice by saying he pressed his button first when

Tum ti tum

he…didn’t? Oh Danny… Anyway, Jessie J offers to share her shoes with Joelle (?!) but despite this tempting offer, Joelle chooses William, HOORAY, HE HAS FOUND A FRIEND.

CUGGLE

Joelle makes sure to let everyone know that she’s very humbled by the whole experience, she’s not like that awful Misha B, for real. She runs backstage to hug her cushion-boo, whilst Danny, Tom and Jessie all moan about how she was really good, and William just laughs in all their faces.

Tee hee

WILLIAM FOREVER.

Audition #2 is, per Reggie

JAY!

“hoping to swap topping pizzas for topping the charts”, because he’s a waiter in Zizzis. Do the waiters really top the pizzas? I guess if you don’t tip… He’s from Liverpool (RECAP AUDIO EXTRAS : you don’t need him to tell you to know that) and he came to London three months ago to “do the music thing”. Reggie asks him if he sings to the customers in the restaurant he works in, and Jay says his manager tries to make him, but he finds it too awkward, because he feels like he’s hovering going

Hiya!

“oooh, give us a tip”. I’ve had that look from a pizza-restaurant waiter before, and it wasn’t because he wanted my tip. Although…

Anyway, Jay takes to the stage and sings “I Need A Dollar”, with his shirt unbuttoned two-thirds of the way up. I guess that’s how the kids are wearing them these days.

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

The studio lights are also giving him an unfortunate armpit situation, although maybe that’s fashionable now as well. If pallid bum-cracks/6 inches of boxer short, why NOT Pit-stains says I? Whatever,

*SQUEAL*

his ladieez are going mental for him regardless. Worrapimp. It’s like Beatlemania.

William turns first, and then Tom decides he wants in right on the last note.

Also

DOPE

this happens. And

meow

this. And

DANGER
ZONE

THIS (so effing Top Gun. He’s Goose, she’s Maverick, and they’re about to play homoerotic beach volleyball)

I’m so glad we’re getting this backstage insight into how people actually talk in the music industry. It’s every bit as hilarious as I imagined. Anyway Jessie doesn’t turn because she feels she has enough men already, and Danny doesn’t turn because his internal logic processes are a mystery to us all. Did he want Jessie J to hold his hand for him?

Anyway, they make it quick for him because he’s clearly aware of his pit-problems and is doing the standard

WACK WACK

Penguin-Arms of awkwardness ins response. We’ve all been there. Tom says he wants a strong man for his team, and William says he

THE VOICES!

HEARD IT. The thing he was looking for. Was it a signal in his earpiece from Evil Moira Ross telling him he was supposed to turn? I think so. EVIL MOIRA ROSS CONTROLS ALL. Anyway, Jessie makes the Countdown music (<3 ❤ <3, her best performance ever) and Jay chooses William, because he turned for him so quickly.

Jay does an awkward wave from the elbow and rushes back to his

Filt

groupies. So much love in the room.

Now that William’s got some friends, Jessie decides to really get to know him, and ask him if William is in fact his real name.

WITH WILL.I.AM

William replies that it is in fact Will. God, it’s like “Jessie J’s Life Stories” up in here all of a sudden. Next week – does he love his mother? (I’m guessing yes, very much so).

Audition #3 has apparently “already tasted fame, and is back for a second shot”

SUCH A STAR

That’s right, she won a MOBO in 1998, for Best Unsigned Act. That definitely counts as “fame”. She gamely says that she got to meet BB King and P Diddy Duffy Diddy Daddy Dirty Dum Diddy Do. Well…so do people on a Make-A-Wish and we don’t call that “fame”. To be fair, it’s mostly the show acting like this means something – Alyson herself giggles that she went right back to studying for her exams the next day and it had no effect on her life whatsoever. And this was before British Music Awards Ceremonies were glorified Prize-Giving ceremonies for the Brit School (Most Improved Odour goes to…ED SHEERAN!). [It hasn’t been easy staying in his rut! – Steve]

Alyson is made up and looks

Sigh

wistful and sad whilst this is being done. It’s such a stark contrast to Joelle. I feel The Voice UK may actually turn out to BE Joelle’s “Mobo Best Unsigned Act 1998” but hey, let’s let her have her moment of triumph.

Alyson on the other hand has no moment of triumph coming as her (admittedly pretty ropey) rendition of “Somebody Else’s Guy” is

DENIED

DENIED. Jessie almost turns, but decides it’s just because she loves the song so much. And seriously, Jessie J

WOO
YEAH
WOOTY
YEAH

LOVES THIS SONG. It’s the first time this episode she’s done it, so it’s kind of adorable (SPOILERS : it gets not to be). Another thing this audition highlights is that when everyone’s talented and fairly normal and likable

*SNIFF*

it sometimes smarts like a bitch to see their parents so hopeful for them and so depressed when they fail.

Doop

I’m tempted to move on to the next audition before I cry, like I’m supposed to. STUPID EVIL MOIRA ROSS. Still I’m not the only one.

NOOO
SOOO SADDDD

Half the judges look like they just sat through a Schindlers List/The Fox And The Hound Double Bill. William and Danny both pile on Jessie, telling her she should have turned and this is all her fault and SHE MADE ALYSON’S MOTHER CRY and then Jessie start wailing about how she will ALWAYS REGRET NOT TURNING AROUND FOR ALYSON. SHE WILL ALWAYS BE THE GIRL THAT GOT AWAY.

Guh, alright Love Actually.

We get a brief montage along the theme of “even the standard of the no’s is very high” which

If
You
Say So

alright, let’s not push it. I mean, we’ve not even heard that last one (nice SPOILERS by the way, show) but come on… Tom Jones says that his biggest regret about the show is that he can only have 10 people in his team. Yeah, it shows…

Audition #4 now

LEANNE!

who is a regular Butlins Betty, as her usual stomping ground performance-wise is the Holiday Camp circuit.

SWEET CAROLINE, WAH WAH WAH

Mmm, sun, sea, sand, Olbas Oil. Leanne tells us that her dream as a little girl was to be a successful singer, but performing in a holiday camp, they’ve not come to see her specifically. She’s just part of an entertainment package that they get when they come on holiday. It’s not ALL ABOUT HER, and that’s what she wants it to be. Well, at least she’s openly needy. She tells us that she thinks this is a great chance for her to show what she can really do.

*meow*

Mostly land a fit boyfriend.

She takes to the stage and sings “If I Were A Boy” and I swear, I’ve never heard a louder performance and I’ve been to “My Bloody Valentine” gigs.

rahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Seriously, there’s “projecting” and then there’s “catapulting”. I think Jessie J is

*doof*

concussed. Tom turns (duh, it’s loud) and then Danny follows quickly. William doesn’t turn, and Jessie can’t, because the paramedics are asking her how many fingers she can see.

Danny starts for the judges, praising her for her power, but tell her it got to be a bit much towards the end, when the giant crack opened up in the earth and lava started spewing out and Tom Jones got turned into an ash statue (not that you’d notice). Tom’s all “you loud, me like” and then Leanne makes the mistake of asking him what he’d like to do with her and

*wink wink*

you can fill in the blanks from there. He tells her that she had a lot of “timbre” in her voice. I heard “TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRR!” followed by a tree crashing to the ground. Might just be me. Danny suggests that if she goes with him he might get her to not sing everything like she’s auditioning for the US judges at the same time, and of course that’s not going to happen, so Leanne picks Tom.

There’s a brief montage now where everyone pretends there is SEXUAL TENSION flying around, a la the US version.

So much tension
Sexy tension

I think it’s safe to say there isn’t.

Audition #5 is

CASSIUS!

this guy, who is, per Holly, here to “make a fresh start”. Cassius tells us that he’s had record deals in the past, worked with Kanye West, toured with R. Kelly

TOP OF THE POPS Y'ALL

and performed on Top Of The Pops. This feels less like a reality tv audition, more the introduction to a line-up round on Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Fortunately we are snapped back to the appropriate genre with the information that Cassius has a dead brother. He was 19, he had a heart condition

Such memories

Cassius likes to stare intensely at pictures of him sometimes, as piano music plays. I’m more interested in that picture on the wall to be honest. What a ba-donk-a-donk.

Cassius says that his brother dying threw off his music career, but he’s ready to get back on the horse and make his brother proud of him again, from Heaven and that.

KLASSY

What I wouldn’t give for him to run out and perform “The Thong Song” or something. Instead it’s MOR all the way, with a very classy rendition of “Closer”. By Ne-Yo obviously, not Nine Inch Nails. It takes a while for anybody to turn, probably because some of the notes are a bit iffy, but eventually Jessie decides she wants some and Danny confirms forever that his role is basically

Such a unique thinker

tag-a-long. Get your own opinions Danny, for real. Nobody else turns. Up in Heaven, Cassius’ brother is semi-proud, but thinks if you can’t get Tom to turn around then either his button is legit broken or you weren’t really trying.

Whatever,

meow

Jessie J LIKES. Or at least the bottom half of her. And her face. William asks “what’s been your big music career move to date?” which suggests to me that…these people are more prepped about this artists than is let on, because I don’t notice anyone asking that to Butlins Girl or I Sit In My Bedroom Listening To The Voices I Hear In The Raindrops Telling Me To Burn Things Girl.

Anyway, Cassius reels off how he “had the opportunity to be on Top Of The Pops” and also touring with Our Kelly. Danny brings up his relevant experience in this arena, as he too was in a group before The Script, who were moderately successful, and then not. HANG ON DANNY, I’ve only just got used to being in one group, let alone two.

Jessie J tells Cassius that she turned around because she liked his voice (THANKS JESSIE J!), but she’d like to work on his upper range, correcting his breathing, and working on the INCREDIBLY WRONG way he holds his mic.

AWFUL

SO WRONG. He should be baton-twirling it to get the full hiccupy yodelly J-J-J-J-J-J-Jessie J sound. Danny breaks in to say that all of the panel have got “staff” than can teach things, and also Jessie just gave all her tips away, so let’s STEAL THEM, AND RUN AWAY TO ARUBA. Jessie J yells “DON’T TRUST ANYONE WHO WEARS DOUBLE DENIM!”. How about “don’t trust anyone wearing exactly the same outfit 24 hours a day 7 days a week, unless they’re one of The Simpsons”? William then takes it to the next level of stirring

LEVEL UP

prompting Jessie J to yell “HE’S GOT FOUR GUY SINGERS ALREADY!”, presumably with the angle that Cassius will get lost in the mix.

MWAHAHAHAH

William is so amazing.

Even more so given that he then takes it TO THE NEXT LEVEL, by telling Cassius that he should consider picking Danny, because William KNOWS he has contacts with the American R & B market the likes of which you wouldn’t expect. I have no idea why William is doing any of this, but it’s so much more entertaining than Tom going “I turned around because I never ever ever don’t” or whatever. Jessie J then starts flailing about how the men are being UNFURR on her, and acting like she’s only been around 5 minutes. She hasn’t. SHE KNOWS! She knows that the industry isn’t about good vocals…

It's not about the vocals, vocals, vocals

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE VOICE, WHICH IS VERY DIFFERENT. William having safely goaded everyone into making themselves look ridiculous (apart from Tom, who is possibly asleep, and Danny, who is perfectly capable of

OH YEAH

making himself look ridiculous without any help), Cassius picks Jessie J.

Jessie gives him a big hug and welcomes him to her team, William cackles that this is the most fun he’s had in ever, and Danny pouts that Jessie J said you should never trust anyone in Double Denim? WELL CASSIUS SHOULDN’T TRUST SOMEONE WHO SINGS ABOUT HOW IT’S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, BUT WHO STILL WEARS JEWELLRY!

BURN

OH IT IS ON, NOW.

Next up a montage of two people who don’t have sufficient back-stories for full auditions, and who therefore are probably about to disappear up a Battle Round in two weeks time.

DENISE
MURRAY

The first one’s for Tom, the second one’s for Danny. Don’t get attached to them.

Audition #5 is

HANNAH

this one. She’s studying at Exeter University, but her real passion is

RAH RAH SISS BOOM BAH

cheerleading. And singing as well. Probably. Or maybe her real motive here is to win the prize-money to buy the squad some better pom-poms, because let’s face it, those are pretty ratty. It looks like they’ve been rattling around in Toyah’s wig drawer for the last 25 years. Hannah tells us that as a cheerleader you have to be positive, cheerful, hard-working, evil, a giant slut, and probably a drink-driver. Or at least that’s what American teen movies and episodes of Cold Case have taught me. She wants to perform EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE, and she thinks The Voice is the perfect springboard for that. Sadly, nobody told her squad that

WOO, GO TEAM H

Steps were all too busy with their reunion tour to accept a role as a coach on the show, so this sucking up is all in vain.

Out on stage she pulls

So very umble

Humble Overwhelmed Face to a t, then sings “You And I” by Lady Gaga. This being the one Lady Gaga song I don’t really like, just because it’s “What’s Going On?” by 4 Non-Blondes with ugly muddy Mutt Lange “womp”s all over it. Her voice is fine (albeit one that veers around chaotically from Welsh to Gaga to Salt N Pepa), but she’s no Haley Reinhart, and also I can’t hear half of it over her family

WOOT WOOT WOOT

yelling and hollering. Sometimes I wish the screen they’re watching would just cut to them, jumping up and down and screaming and make them stop, just for a second. Danny and Tom turn, the other two don’t. Hannah cries and cries and cries.

Tom tells her that he loves her control, and the fact that she didn’t over-do with trills and runs and licks and back-flips.

HE TALKIN BOUT ME

Oh christ, Jessie J is showing self-awareness. I’m going to have to like her now aren’t I? DAMNIT!

Tom Jones also likes that Hannah is Welsh and that he can see her legs. Hannah replies that she’s not just Welsh, she’s SOUTH WELSH, but she’s also a bit Irish so don’t feel left out Danny (potential phone-voters). Tom asks her what her mum’s name is, so he can try and remember if he’s shagged her, and Hannah

LOL
HAHAHAHA

CAN’T REMEMBER!

Oh cheerleaders…

In the end Hannah decides her mum’s name is Charlie Brown. OK. Was her dad called Lucy?

Danny says he can tell from the fact that she’s crying that the song means a lot to her, and he could totally tell that from her performance, and he’d be honoured if she joined his team. Can you imagine a cheerleader walking into the CAULDRON OF TESTOSTERONE that is Team Danny? It feels like the start of an episode of Law & Order : Sexy Victims Unit (before it turned into an entirely unconnected story about human trafficking 5 minutes later). [That ends with the discovery of a monkey in a basketball. – Steve] Anyway, Hannah takes her life into her own hands, and Team Danny it is.

WOO

Audition #7 is preceded by Reggie reminding us all that, with their backs to the stage, image is irrelevant (apart from the image that Jessie J imagines for you in her head and rejects you based on), so we know that our next audition is

CRIS!

yeah. Not here for his looks. He works in a call-centre, and would describe himself as funny. Oh good. He says he doesn’t look like your average One Direction pretty boy and

Such a pure and innocent soul

THAT’S WHAT MAKES HIM BEAUTIFUL. THE WAY THAT HE FLIPS HIS BEANIE-HAT GETS ME OVERWHELMED!

Reggie asks him if he thinks that the fact that the judges won’t be able to see him when he gets on stage will work in his favour

*sniff*

with all the disdain of the good-looking. Cris says he is glad, because he really wants to be judged on his voice alone, and he just knows the only reason he hasn’t been accepted by the music industry so far is because he’s a hairy midget. He knows that when the judges are blinded, his pure talent will shine through.

d'oops

LOL. He sings “Forget You” indifferently, which doesn’t exactly serve to make him seem less chippy. And as for his support group.

THREE FOR THE PRICE OF ONE

Well, it’s economical I suppose. Just don’t breed.

Jessie tells him that she liked that he took risks, but his licks weren’t clean, which we all know is the BIGGEST MUSICAL CRIME YOU CAN COMMIT. Tom tells him it was good, and then Cris gets weird and says his mum loves Tom Jones and also he was probably conceived to a Tom Jones song and then he starts singing “What’s New Pussycat?” and I kind of want this to stop right now please.

MY EYES

Reggie asks Cris’ Mother, Fiancee & Friend if this is true, and she’s all “erm, yeah, possibly, I did a lot of shagging back in the day, I can’t remember the soundtrack to every time”.

This is an excuse (although…what isn’t?) for Tom to segue into his

*spangles*

CELEBRITY ANECDOTE OF THE WEEK. Apparently Catherine Zeta-Jones told him that she had “What’s New Pussycat?” on to soundtrack the birth of her first child. I am now imagining CJZ pushing out a child whilst red of face and screaming “WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT? WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” like a florid hellbeast and digging her nails into poor old Michael Douglas’ hands. This cannot be unimagined.

Audition #8 is

Hubba hubba

this one. He is pretty.

He’s in a band called “The Tracks” and has had many-a-job, including working in old peoples homes, banks, and burger vans.

Anyway, Bill is this series’ equivalent to Tom Chambers. Not through the arts of tap-dancing or smuggery, but because he’s engaged to be married, and enjoys mentioning it. Here is his lovely bride.

NECK NECK NECK

Her name is Sasha. Unfortunately her ex-boyfriend is also auditioning, and is on the sofa next to them. NOT REALLY, although wouldn’t that be funny. That guy glowering in the background is in fact HIS ex-boyfriend. Bill gushes that Sasha is great – she’s very ditzy and does a lot of stupid things that are funny. I know if I were Sasha I’d feel respected right now. They’ve been engaged since 2010, but he’s perfectly willing to postpone things further if he can use The Voice as an excu…I mean if he HAS TO, to follow his dreams. His appearance on this show is not at all just for those reasons.

AMORE

SUCH LOVE.

Reggie asks Sasha how she feels about this. She is FINE WITH IT. SO VERY FINE WITH IT. Hilariously you can see Twinings Tea hovering around in the back of shot here, all “The Ghost Of Shattered Relationships Yet To Come”.

As if to heighten the romantic atmosphere, he’s singing “She Said”. You know, the date rape song. Backstage Sasha cramps up like she needs a wee and mewls

MEW

“oooooooh, I just love him”. Yeah you wait until all the groupies come. All the groupies you’d get from being on The Voice. Both of them. Anyway, Danny turns first and

squeal

Sasha promptly loses control of her bowels. Danny and Will point and wink at one another 1000 times

SUCH ROMANCE
SUCH PASSION

and I start to wonder if maybe Sasha should be worried about losing him in another direction as well. Nobody else turns, I’m guessing because they want to give these two guys some alone time.

Meow

Jessie J affirms this, saying that the only reason she didn’t turn around is because she thought he and Danny would work so well together.

Danny agrees. Tom meanwhile says he didn’t like Bill’s falsetto. It was weak. Gosh, that’s almost actual criticism. Tom is coming along. He didn’t even mention, “LIKE I SAID TO JOAN ARMATRADING ONE TIME, BACKSTAGE AT A FAST FOOD ROCKERS GIG WHEN WE WERE CHILLING WITH MUMM-RA AND THE POPE”. He tells Bill that he knows it’s difficult to do falsetto, because he can’t do it himself. To be fair, Tom Jones singing falsetto would sound like a normal person singing normally, so why should he bother? Danny’s all “WHATEVER, HIS FALSETTO IS AMAZING, STOP UNDERMINING MY TEAM OF INTERCHANGABLE MALES AND A BLONDE CHEERLEADER IN HER PANTS” and he and Bill wander off happily into the sunset. But not before Bill asks Sasha if they can postpone the wedding a bit more.

SO FINE WITH ALL THIS

SHE’S FINE WITH IT. TOTALLY FINE. JENNIFER ANNISTON FINE. [This seems like a classic Prenj manoeuvre. Watch Sasha disappear entirely now that she’s served her purpose. – Steve]

Audition #9 is

KLASSY

hang on, let’s try that again. We all know that introducing attractive female contestants by panning up their bare legs and crotch before we see their face is something only X Factor would do, so it can’t have happened on this very classy show.

Sweet

That’s better. Nice Urkel glasses. Kate tells us all that she’s been singing for a year now, and is self taught. She spends a lot of time sitting in her room singing, because she “just loves it”. What a developed sense of artistry. She can’t believe four global artists are going to be hearing her sing. After hearing her, neither can I, but I guess they have to bulk the numbers up somehow. Anyway Kate,

So, so much

loves her mum, so much, because Kate’s mum believes in her. Consider how weak Ginger and Cap-Man’s back stories must have been to have THIS chosen over them. Kate says she hopes that it comes across whilst singing the song that she is singing it about her mum. I hope it’s “Killing In The Name Of”…

Turns out the song is in fact “True Colours”. Well that’s no fun. She sings it like Casper The Friendly Ghost. I’m all for artistry, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to pronounce words the way human beings have been pronouncing them for millennia. With consonants other than “s” and “h” and “guh”. William turns first, and I guess I need these moments to remind myself that William is not perfect and does in fact makes mistakes, like seeing talent in Cheryl Cole or writing Black Eyed Peas songs. Tom also turns, because he’s only done it 5 times already this episode and he’s worried people will start thinking he has quality control or something.

Once we’re done, William asks Kate what she was thinking of whilst singing that song (I’m sorry – they are clearly given background information on these contestants, and William is the WORST at hiding it) and she says her mum. “She thinks she’s overweight but she’s…I think she’s beautiful!”.

I mean…I applaud the sentiment but she’ll learn to phrase it better as she gets older I’m guessing.

William tells her that she sings beautiful, and he loves the rasp in her voice. He also confirms that he is good to his mother.

Such a mother's boy

I thought so. He apparently does everything he does for his mother. Tom’s all “I’ll do everything for your mother boyo, know what I mean?”. He tells Katie that he really liked the fragility in her voice, and he could do with that sort of vulnerable sound on his team, because so far everyone on his team sounds like a dugong getting harpooned. My god can you imagine Katie in a Battle Round with Aundrea? Or Barbara? My god, they’d just sit on her. Maybe sensing this, Katie selects William, after Danny’s all

Bom chicka wah wah

“who you gonna go wit?” like a filthy brothel madam. Katie promises both judges that she’ll take their feedback with them wherever she goes in life (feedback that amounted to “the weakness of your voice intrigues me” and “I love my mum”).

Katie runs backstage and gasps to her mum that she just hugged William. William for his part compares Katie’s voice to a Sade/Macy Grey sandwich. Yes, with NO FILLING.

Ready for another 5 seconds of someone who probably won’t matter in 3 weeks time?

WAILLLLLLLLLL

Here’s Kirsten. She’s Team Jessie. For the next 5 minutes until Vince From Futurepoof rips out her lungs and spine like a Mortal Kombat fatality. Also irrelevant is

MY EARS

this one, who is also Team Jessie, but who sings “Run” like she’s impeded every 5 seconds by her lungs trying to burst up through her nose. William pulls this face

PITCHING shade

and says “I wasn’t laughing at the girl’s singing, I was laughing at the state Jessie J’s in right now”.

JUST PITCHING IT

Impeccable shade-throwing William. Impeccable. *applause*

Jessie J flaps and screws up her fists and says yes, Ruth-Ann went off pitch, but she sees SO MUCH POTENTIAL there. SO MUCH. Everyone else meanwhile is all

WTF

“LOL, Jessie J’s on crack”.

Audition #10

ALYS

is a busy mum of two, sayeth Holly. The edit then confirms that the “two”, refers to

Bless

“human children”. Alys is also the most Welsh person ever to appear on television. Ever. She tells us that it’s difficult developing her music whilst being sole car-giver to twin toddlers, but there’s one hour a day where she straps them into their high chairs and forces them to listen to her playing the piano and singing. Nice of them to get this on tape so the kids can give it directly to their therapists later. She says that being a mother is great, and so rewarding, but not the most glamorous job in the world. She just wants a bit of glam in her life! Well here it is. Knock yourself out. You know what else is glamorous?

DENIED

REJECTION. She even sang “Someone Like You” extra-Welsh for bonus Tom Jones points. Jessie J?

So into this

Still singing along. I bet she’s a nightmare at karaoke. To be fair, Alys seems mostly to be rejected for stumbling over a part of the song and not really recovering.

Eef
Oooof

It’s not a car-crash, but it’s probably the closest we’re coming to one on this show. (I’m not being rude, but it sounds a bit like she had to do a little burp, which…AMAZING).

Once everyone’s turned around, Alys gives Tom a little wave presumably because, both being from Wales, they are best mates. William goes on an extensive run of a lie about how she’s really similar to people already in his team and he was trying to get the other judges to pick her AND THEY WOULDN’T. Jessie J points out to William that he has a button as well, and they both collapse in a word salad that makes no sense and ends in William telling Alys that she is So.Damned.Fresh. Alys for her part just pleads nerves, and then bonds with Tom over their shared Welshness.

Backstage, she tells Holly that that whole experience was scarier than giving birth. Holly giggles along all

TWO! TWO CHILDREN!

I’VE DONE THAT TOO! It must be doubly scary having to push two big ones out in one go. Obviously Holly would also be familiar with that… Anyway, Alys leaves us saying that she loves her kids, although I’m sure she can’t help wondering if she might have got through if she’d had triplets. Maybe she should have drawn a face on a milk carton and pretended.

Audition #11

SO AUTHENTIC

is this chap. AUTHENTIC ROCK-GOD (and auditionee for Jesus Christ Superstar, Les Mis and X Factor) NATHAN JAMES. He tells that he hasn’t always sung authentic rock though – he was a choir boy from the age of 10 to 14.

blobbity

He was also monochrome and made mostly out of giant grey blobs. He’s SO different now though. He’s got chest hair and a beard and like…stick on tattoos and stuff. His heart lies with rock music, but it’s really hard to make a living in rock unless you want to, like, be in a BAND or something. Ick. He just wants to be a ROCK STAR, straight off. Look

RAWWWWWWK

he’s got the fingers ready and the spiky bracelet and everything. HE SO ROCK.

What ROCK anthem is he going to sing?

Hardcore

THAT’S RIGHT! I don’t know if it’s JUST “We Will Rock You” and “Rock Of Ages” and whatever, but musical theatre singers doing rock is so old for me. I don’t really buy this at all. No grit, just a lot of flouncing and whipping their hair around and big notes with no grit to this surrounded by nothing but put-on grit. Jessie J though?

METALLLLLLLL

NATHAN GAVE ROCK AND ROLL TO HER. She’s also pretty much proving the poster child for.

SO VERY HARD

First World Problems. The last note makes Tom Jones’ face do this

*pop*

About says it all.

huffity huff pie huff

REJECTION.

Everyone turns around, and praises him for his range and the sheer scope of his voice, prompting Nathan to just let us all know that his last note was a top-top C. Whatever that is. Jessie J calls him one-dimensional and tells him to hop off. But, you know, in a nice way. Nathan goes backstage and says that he is SO CONFUSED because he sang INCREDIBLE. Holly could not give

W'ever

less of a fuck. She’s seen Dancing On Ice routines more rock and roll than that.

Onstage,

EEEEEEEEEEEEP

Jessie J accidentally presses her button. I’m surprised that doesn’t happen more often. God knows I’d be pressing it every 5 seconds just for a laugh.

Audition #12 now is

TYLER EFFING JAMES

OMG IT’S TYLER JAMES. [He’s looking a bit…tired, these days, isn’t he? Nice shirt, though. – Steve] Sadly the show chooses not to mention his Top 16 Hit Foolish, and instead focuses on his erstwhile friendship with Amy Winehouse. A LOT. Tyler James grew up with Amy Winehouse, Tyler James went to school with Amy Winehouse, Tyler James performed on stage with Amy Winehouse, Tyler James

CAMPING WITH WINEHOUSE

went camping with Amy Winehouse, Tyler James baked a cake with Amy Winehouse, one time Amy Winehouse told Tyler James that he was really fetch and Tyler James told Amy Winehouse to stop trying to make fetch happen, one time Amy Winehouse and Tyler James spent the night in a haunted mansion, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse found a body in the woods and after that summer they were never the same again, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse invented Tipp-Ex, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse went shopping, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse did handstands in the park and did Just Seventeen quizzes until 11pm and then they realised how late it was and they had to go home, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse made their own comic, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse brought down the Berlin Wall, one time Tyler James and Amy Winehouse went to the Magical Land Of Oz, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse had a threesome with, like, some guy, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse were the Hitman & Her but that was in an unbroadcast pilot, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse went to the moon, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse were the inspiration for Calvin & Hobbes, one time Tyler James & Amy Winehouse spent all day moving house in a great big van, but NOW AMY WINEHOUSE IS DEAD, WHAT IS TYLER JAMES TO DO?

Maybe he could start a duo with Dionne Bromfeld, because I hear she also likes to talk about her godmother Amy Winehouse.

But before that, he’s going to sing “Sittin’ On The Dock Of A Bay” for judges on The Voice. Nobody’s biting at first, so he launches some falsetto out and William thinks “eh, why not?”. Once he’s turned, he tells Tyler that, yeah, he pretty much only turned because of the falsetto. He’s a cheap date like that. Sadly nobody reacts to the name “Tyler James” like I totally would. Maybe they’re just confused that he’s not

JEDSON!

Aaron Johnson/Jedward’s dad. Jessie J and Tyler bond over haircare, and Tom tells Tyler that he knows the song he was singing. Because…you know…it was an obscure one. He does however, say he doesn’t think it was as good as the Otis Redding version. But what is? I’m glad the song has survived decades of people trying to transform it from a wistful lament about displacement into some sort of effing Slacker Anthem. Like Otis Redding sat on the dock of a bay because he got high, because he got high, because he got high.

Sorry, Tom Jones turns me into an old man myself obviously. Needless to say, Tom Jones knew Otis Redding and they, I dunno, compared dick size or whatever. *shrug*

Tyler James hugs William, and goes backstage and talks about Amy Winehouse some more.

Audition #13, and last of the day is

BO

this one. Holly informs us that her name is in fact “Lady Catherine Anne Brudenell-Bruce”. To be fair, any drag-queen or cat-lady could call themselves that, so as proof of her posh credentials, here’s a picture of her dad and a horse. Bo complains in interview that she feels like so many people have jumped to conclusions about her based on her posh name and her posh schooling. Entirely accurate conclusions. She’s been around the music industry for so long, but every time she gets far enough people start JUDGING her based on her background, and she’s so glad to have this opportunity to show that she’s not just a double-barrelled surname. Personally I think they might judge her because she carries herself with more misplaced swagger than an East Coast rapper, but hey, that’s just my perception man.

She gets out on stage, sings “Without You” by David Guetta and Usher’s Feet, and is annoyingly…quite good? She does that thing with her voice where she CLEARLY wants to be Irish and isn’t, but hey, that never stopped Dido. Well, not to begin with. Danny responds like she is a

TASTY

PRIME cut of sausages, and turns for her, followed by William, at the very last second. Bo is

WOOO

pleased.

Williams starts for the judges, asks her name, then tells her that he definitely didn’t turn around just to copy Danny, he did it because she is DARING AND COURAGEOUS singing an Usher song not like Usher. Seriously, she’s a latter day Amelia Earhart. Jessie tells her that it was a great performance, but she felt Bo’s voice got lost in the “doof-doof-doofs”. DAMN YOU DOOF-DOOFS! Tom tells her that it didn’t hit him hard enough, as if we didn’t know already that Tom’s preferred genre of music is being punched in the face with noise. Danny closes the initial rounds by saying she has the unique voice he’s been looking for. When you heard Bo on the radio, you’d know it was her. I hope her first single is a cover of “Vicky From The Yacht”. That would be amazing.

Anyway, we then devolve into William vs Danny, like we don’t know how this is ending. William talks about constructing a team for when he worked with Michael (Barrymore?), Danny tells Bo that they share the same record collection (based on the…David Guetta song she just did?), William starts yelling “WE EAT THE SAME SOUP! MISO SOUP IT’S THE BOMB! WITH ALL THE GREEN STUFF IN IT!”

TROLOLOLOL
TROLLMAZING

William is such an amazing troll. Anyway, Bo chooses Danny, because she just knows they have SOOOO much in common, and that is it. Well, not before she tells William that she thinks he has all the qualities of an amazing leader, like this is GCSE History course work or something.

So, as we enter the final Auditions Show, this is how the teams stand, numerically

WILLIAM
DANNY
JESSIE
TOM

It’s also Holly’s pin-number, OOPS! She meant for it to be four 8s, but her finger slipped and now she’s stuck with one she can’t remember.

TRAGEDY! ON THE VOICE!

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32 thoughts on “The Voice – Episode 3 (Auditions)

  1. Poppy

    I was rather disappointed that nobody asked Tyler James which dead singer he was thinking of as he sang his song. Rather think they missed a trick there.

    Great recap, as ever, Monkseal. Thank you!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      He clearly should have gone the whole hog and just done the thing in Winehouse Drag. You know, as a tribute.

      Reply
  2. Caroline

    I was also a bit disappointed that no-one mentioned ‘Foolish’ (just Amy Sodding Winehouse ad nauseum). That song’s on my ipod, dammit.

    Reply
  3. Ferny

    Everytime I look at Will.i.ams jacket I think of the space centre in Toy Story. I didn’t expect to like him but it would be much more boring without him laughing like Mutley on the end there.

    There have been far too many people going on about Amy Winehouse this week – I had enough with Mitch on 4 Rooms, but I guess it gets them on TV so *shrug*

    There were alot more people with too much attitude/a chip on their shoulder on this episode I thought.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I guess this is what happens when you get a collective of auditionees who think that the only reasons why they’ve not become famous already are illegitimate ones like being old or a fug, rather than the fact that they’re just not that good.

      I mean not all of them, but I can see how thinking you’re a great match for the show’s gimmick can often come with a certain entitlement.

      Reply
  4. moreglitterplease

    Once again, brilliant. You are my god, and I worship you.

    I was hoping for Mr Rocker-guy to come out and start singing ‘Teenagers’ by My Chemical Romance. Or, in fact, any of them. How epic would it be of Lady Bo Pilkington De Mimsy Plantagenate came on stage and started yelling “TEENAGERS SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME!”

    And LOL at the thought of any sexual tension between judges. (This show will still probably make one. Tha Judge-banter was only the beginning. Pray for your soul.)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      MCR wise, I want someone’s entire audition to be the radio-announcer bit from the beginning of “Nah nah nah nah nah nah”

      Reply
  5. Min

    When Urkel glasses girl started to sing, she reminded me of Alex Parkes, which is something I can do without.

    Reply
  6. Lily

    Closer by NIN. Now that would have been hilarious (especially if did it in the exact same style he sang the Usher song). I feel Tom Jones would not be able to resist smashing his button and shouting “SEX BOMB, SEX BOMB”

    Reply
  7. teacherlady

    He he he. I have decided that Willi.i.am is YODA! He totally is. Just you watch him. I want him to talk even more like Yoda. It’s his eyes and his ears and his (lack of) neck.

    It’s all about the…..money money ta da da da money…

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m trying to imagine a BEP song all Yoda’d up. It’s very odd. They have have no verbs or are ALL verbs, so it’s hard to parse.

      Reply
  8. Allgrownup

    I nearly choked on the Tyler James/Amy Winehouse friendship description. There was an ad on TV last night for Mean Girls and the first thing that came to mind was “Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen” 😀

    William is hilarious, the stirring when he is not after a contestant himself is fabulous. ❤
    Him off the Script needs to grow some balls and decide for himself to go for a "voice". If you like it, press your button ffs. Or in SirTom's case, if you hear anything, press your button. 😀

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Mean Girls :

      Jessie J – Janis Ian
      William – Damien
      Danny – Kevin Gnapoor
      Tom – The janitor from Scrubs

      Reply
    2. Allgrownup

      Watching Mean Girls who will be The Voice’s Regina George?

      Any movie that makes LiLo seem relatively sane-ish must surely prove she can act….ish?

      Kalteen bar anyone? 😀

      Reply
  9. Rachel

    I think I would like a pet William… He could bring his swivelly chair with him and sit in the corner of my surgery at work all day psyching out the patients…

    Fab recap as ever!!!

    Reply
  10. Sally

    I don’t think its faked, if Moira Ross had her way ‘chav Subo’ from last week would have gone through. She missed a big tabloid story there.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think all these genre artists who are immediately rejected are just there to make the show look like it isn’t just slavishly hitching itself to the usual reality tropes of Big-Voiced Black Women, White Guys With Guitars and Quirky Girls Who Try To Sound Oirish or in fact are Oirish.

      Reply
  11. Carl

    I don’t even watch this show but your recap makes me want to – it’s great fun. I am still laughing over the “mum, fiance, and friend” part.

    Bill Downs looks like someone who was on The Naked Office (I guess that doesn’t come on anymore).

    Tom Jones and Jessie J remind me of Morgan Freeman and Pete Burns.

    Reply
  12. JillyBoyd

    “Clean licks” is becoming The Voice’s equivalent of “the fleckerl”, isn’t it?

    William’s Miso soup rant was AMAZE. Just for that, all the awards.

    Reply
  13. WBS

    Bo Bruce, if I’m remembering rightly, has minor reality-tv show past too – pretty certain she was on OrangeUnsignedAct where she did indeed get repeatedly slagged for poshness. And given Alex James was on the panel, that’s quite something.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Lauren Laverne was saying similar on twitter during the show. I don’t remember her from Orange Unsigned, but I know I watched at least the first series.

      Reply

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