The Apprentice 8 – Episode 3

I’m so disappointed that nobody mixed tomato sauce and brown sauce to create a SUPER-CONDIMENT like I did at University. So lacking in vision.

6:30am at the Apprentice Hacienda,

ARIBA

and it’s time for the next round in Phone Answering Wars. I’m glad to see that some people have been putting in the training for Phone Answering Wars this year. I haven’t seen such an

CHARGE!

enthusiastic dash for the receiver since Simon raced down the stairs in those tiny green pants. (*insert joke about Lohit being Simon’s “receiver” here*). Anyway, after Gabrielle Bionic Womans her way to the phone, Whoever-It-is grumps to her that Lordalan will meet the candidates at St Katharine’s Docks, and the cars will be outside in twenty minutes. Gabrielle says “thank you” to the pre-recording (bless), and then rushes off to tell everyone this week’s mission. Poor Laura immediately misunderstands the implications of meeting down and the docks, and immediately prepares herself to be a

Boop oop eee doop

blow-up doll for this year’s HOOKER CHALLENGE. You know it’s coming. Katie huffs in an exasperated fashion that they should have won the last task and they didn’t win the last task and they SHOULD HAVE so she doesn’t understand why they didn’t win it. Erm, BECAUSE YOU ALL SUCK? Maybe? Gabrielle sighs that she just wants to win. Once. One task. That’s all she’s asking. Then she’ll go home and ask the T4 audience which one of the cast of The Big Bang Theory they find most “FIT BUT IN A WRONG SORT OF WAY????! GUYS, WHO IS YOUR SHAMEFUL PHSYICS CRUSSSSH?!?!?!”.

Contestants decamp to the Apprenticars where Adam immediately starts huffing about how they need to put a couple of the guys in the women’s team to “sort them out” because at the rate things are going, there won’t be any women left by Task…Nine. Still not fast enough for my liking. He does have a point though. Who would there be to fetch his tea, and put the bubbles in his bath for him just right, and listen to him say things like “oooh love, whilst you’re down there…HURR HURR HURR”? I guess you could just put a wig on Azhar.

Stylish

I wish Adam’s personality would just go away. It’s like if Geoffrey Boycott and Samantha Brick had a baby.

Meanwhile, in Girls Apprenticar A, Jane snarls that she actually

BOYS

doesn’t WANT any of the boys to be on their team, because some of them are quite WEAK. Yes, why dilute the winning combo of Jenna, Gabrielle and Jane with awful icky Y chromosomes? The worst of them’s Michael, and as long as he doesn’t infect anyone he’s not going to actively damage you. At the mention of some of the men being very weak, Katie nods her head, grins broadly, gets an idea, dons her black gloves and

So many potential victims..

PREPARES FOR AN ASSASSINING.

As dawn breaks over St Katherine Docks,

Dawn breaks

Helpful Voiceover Man tells us that, whilst it’s now home to “yuppie yachts”, the place used to be a “bustling shipyard”. Helpful Voiceover Man is becoming grumpy and nostalgic in his old age it seems. If they’d had that apps task this year the voiceover probably would have “apps are a £172 billion industry in the UK, but they’re a load of old shit as far as I’m concerned, but not as bad as that twitter. In my day we wrote letters. Why not have a nice task to design a stamp? I mean…Fruit Ninja? What the fuck’s a fruit ninja? Am I supposed to be impressed? I fought in the war, and I tell you no fruit ninja would have lasted five minutes at Gallipoli. Fruit ninjas…bloody hell, it’s no wonder everyone’s gay these days”.

Once everyone’s lined up it’s time for the

PASSION FOR FASHION

SCARF PARADE! Looks like the girls took Michael’s advice to be a bit more closely-knit to heart

LOL

Not to turn into a Katie-Booster or anything, but hers is my favourite, closely followed by Gabrielle’s just because it looks a bit like it could turn into a noose any second. SUICIDE CHIC! I’m also loving the tyre-tracks on Jane from where Katie accidentally ran over her with one of the Apprenticars whilst Jane was checking her parking. This one’s going to be harder to assassinate than she thought.

Lordalan turns up, and trips merrily down to the wharf to tell them all that he used to play here as a kid, believe it or not. I don’t. Surely he was too busy training to play Candle In The Wind on the bugle in the Jewish Boys Brigade or whatever that was. Oh yeah, and selling stuff out of the back of a van. Can’t forget that.

Anyway, one of the things that used to be trafficked in the docks here back in the olden days, before it was a yuppie rat-trap, was spices. More specifically, Geri Halliwell. But we don’t talk about that. Lordalan names some spices, then asks the teams if they’re wondering WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH THEM?! I think they know how this bit works by now Al. You talk for half an hour about 19th century South American leaders and then somehow make it about making a new flavour of crisps. This series, our food related mishaps are going to revolve around condiments.

*shrug*

I agree Stephen, they ARE running out of ideas. Anyway, Lordalan has sat on “a special factory” for them, make it, brand it, sell it, preferably get lots of shots of people gagging and pulling faces (and not just Nirrck like per usual), BISH BASH BOSH, they;re being marked on profit made, winners win, losers lose and someone…IS GETTING

CANNOT WAIT

ASSASSINED.

Oh and it’s time for a team mix-up. Duane and Nick, you go over to Sterling and make them halfway bearable, Katie you go and even things up on Phoenix. I love how he’s just shuffling around the designated Fan Favourites already. It’s almost like he doesn’t WANT anyone else to matter.

As the teams wander off to their bases for the week to pick a Project Manager, it’s time for Helpful Voiceover Man to tell the slower amongst us what a “condiment” is.

nummy

It’s these. I feel only marginally less patronised than when the show felt the need to tell me what a baby was.

In Phoenix Apprenticar A, Katie is being officially welcomed to the team by Adam with a requisite

HURR HURR

awkward handshake. Thankfully they edit out the bit where he bellows “THAT’S MY CHIMPIN’ HAND!” and laughs for a solid 5 minutes. Tom also shakes her hand, as does

Not his best gimmick I have to say

Azhar, whose gimmick this week is apparently “WORST HANDSHAKER EVER”. Katie giggles and thanks them all for being such winners thus far. Hey, they couldn’t have done it without you being such a loser Katie, let’s be fair.

Meanwhile Duane is being greeted into the bosom of Sterling by Jade bitching about Katie. Of course it’s Jade, so she says that Katie is the only person there’s been even a slight issue with, and now she’s gone, so everyone’s going to get on SUPER WELL.

Bing bong!

Clearly if Jane had been handling inductions it would have been a five minute rant finished with “AND ONE TIME I WENT INTO THE TOILETS AT THE APPRENTICE HACIENDA AND THERE WAS A BIT OF HER POO STILL IN THE BOWL, I COULD JUST TELL IT WAS HERS, OH MY GOD, AS A MOTHER I’D LOVE TO PUNCH THAT ONE IN THE FACE! Also, our team anthem is “One Moment In Time”.”.

New boys hazed thoroughly into these Apprentice fraternities, it’s time to pick Project Managers. For Sterling, Duane volunteers, and says they need to get things done quickly and create some structure, so let’s just not even think about how this makes him the Stella English, just elect him GOD already. He has no experience, but if he delegates well, they focus, and everyone pulls together as team, and he and Nick do everything, he really believes they can win this. Nick asks if any of the ladies want to take the job on, and Gabrielle chimes that she wouldn’t mind being Project Manager. I guess she IS going to have to get a move on if she wants to do it fifteen more times during this process EACH TIME BETTER THAN THE LIST FLIBBLE. Duane’s all “yeah, ‘want to’ trumps ‘wouldn’t mind’, let’s have a vote, ooh look I’ve won, let’s move on”.

Duane reasonableterviews that the girls seem a bit nervous because they’ve lost a couple of tasks, but he hopes to bring some creativity, salesmanship, positive energy and leadership to the team, and turn things around for them.

SO DOOMED

He’s still too nice. Ah well, he’s stuck on a team with Jane now, that’ll start to crack…

Meanwhile, over at Club Phoenix, Katie is putting herself up for the PM role. Adam immediately says “it’s very very complicated, this *gestures to task rules-sheet* is very hard” like her dad and Katie snits

THANKS, DAD!

“yeah, ALRIGHT” at him. Adam then lies “no no, I’m saying it as a positive”. He then produces a bouquet of garage forecourt flowers and a box of Black Magic to make it up to her. Such a gentleman. Anyway, Stephen is also sort of kind of interested in being Project Manager, and there’s a vote :

Stephen : Ricky Martin, Michael
Katie : Tom, Azhar, Adam

Meaning that Katie wins, and is now captain of this particular ship, punching holes below the waterline with her high-heels as she click-clacks onto the deck. Once behind the wheel she squeakterviews that she’s

Fine with it!

perfectly fine working with a bunch of men, as she’s done it all her life. Yeah, assassinry is a notoriously male-dominated field. She claims that what she’s going to bring to the task is her organisational skills and ABILITY TO CONTROL MEN.

Next up it’s time to decide which CONDIMENT ARENA the teams want to enter. Katie pushes her men towards table sauce, because she just thinks it’s really obvious *smile*. She’d rather buy table sauce than stoopid chutney. Stephen splutters “mass appeal, mass appeal” fifty teams and so…table sauce it is. Meanwhile Kaen can’t decide if it’s too warm to wear her jacket or too cold to take it off, so she’s going to do

SEND UP THE BAT SIGNAL!

both, and wear it as a cape. NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH BAT-KAEN!

Michael suggests that their table-sauce should be spicy, then the thought of rich curried food makes him all nauseous and he runs off to barf somewhere off-camera. I swear his whole existence on this show makes so much more sense with the “You’re Fired” revelation that he had gastric flu throughout. His lack of presence, his sweating, that…green colour he always was. Truly a latter-day Adam Eliaz. Stephen decides to narrow things down to a

So Italian!

SPICY ITALAN SAUCE, JUSS A-LIKE-A MAMA USED TO MAKE. Stephen appears to love spicy sauces so much he’s actually burnt his own lips off. Katie nods along happily and says she really likes the Mediterranean idea, and also “amore” and then Stephen starts getting all excited about sex selling. I’m so glad we cut away from this discussion for a bland Rickymartinterview where he pulls his usual

MWAHAHAHAHA

campy faces and says Katie is a big old LAME who is going to be manipulated by the men and then discarded. Otherwise I may have been joining Michael yacking up in the toilets. Back in the room, Ricky Martin volunteers to lead the sub-team in whatever it is they do. Watching TNA and playing the biscuit game probably.

Over on Sterling, Duane is asking the $64,000 question. “Who is feeling the chutney?”. Turns out

It's a very chunky chutney

it’s Nirrck. Or at least he’s getting close. Duane leads a vote, and everyone votes for chutney, but Jane would just like to make you aware

UGH CHUTNEY

WITH HER FACE, that she is not happy with this turn of events. She passive-aggressives that she’s obviously going to go with the team decision, but she’d just like them to know that it’s a saturated market that they’re entering into, and they won’t be able to differentiate themselves, and they will lose. I wonder what alternative Jane would have suggested. A bottle of her child’s tears? She KNOWS FOR A FACT that every single food in the world is now healthy and if they try and launch something with too much salt or too much fat, Lordalan will REFUSE TO ALLOW THEM TO SELL IT.

FLAT OUT REFUSE

She has watched this show before yes? You could serve it up with ground up glass in it so long as it turned a profit.

Duane agrees with her to try to make the product not taste like shit, and so chutneys it is. Nirrck interviews that the team has gone against Jane’s advice, which is odd, because she’s the Food Expert. Yes, but she’s also been the Losing Expert Nirrck, with a minor speciailty in Getting On My Tits.

Both teams having decided on their condiments, it’s time for one half of each team to go the Special Factory to make the Special Sauce, whilst the other half of the team do the branding and packaging. Speaking of which, in Sterling Apprenticar B, Gabrielle is grinning away merrily brain-storming product names including “Charlie Chutney” and, I kid you not

Mmmm chucky

“Chucky Chutney”. I know Nick, these women are even worse than you could have imagined. Why not call it “Chunder Chutney” and have done with it? Jade suggests “Spicey Nicey” and “Natural Goodness”, as well as a range of “fusion” based names, because it’s a food task, so WHY NOT? To be honest, they’re barely better than Gabrielle’s, but we all know what’s really going on here :

WUB

so Nick says he likes her ideas best. InFusion it is! Everyone shakes hands for no reason, although Gabrielle

CHEW CHEW CHEW

looks like she has more important things to ponder than the love-connection between these two young people. Like trying to digest her pen. Jade giggles loudly that this is the BEST SUB-TEAM EVER and bounces up and down in her seat. Bless.

Meanwhile over in Phoenix Apprenticar A, Stephen is getting very animated about the whole Mediterranean theme, saying he just LOVES the word “Bellissimo!”. It means “fantastic!” or “great!” or something like that, in Italian. A wash of concern breaks over Katie’s face as she realises that

*PONDERS*

this could be a potential patented Apprentice Bonehead Moment in the making! They better check that word means what Stephen thinks it means, otherwise they might look foolish! Good job he definitely knows how to spell it though. Well he knows it either begins with a B or a V. And it might have a silent J in it. Hmmm. He tells Katie that he has decided that the word Bellissimo, or Vellisimo, or Belisimo, or Bjelissim* is going to win them the task. Somehow. Just because Nirrck’s here doesn’t mean this is now Countdown (imagine the Numbers Game. Carnage).

THIS!

TIPTREE

IS TIPTREE! The special factory that Lordalan was talking about. Ah, buildings that look like they’ve been dropped on their surroundings by someone playing SimCity. How I love British town planning. Here, teams will be

Goodie Martin

participating in a revolutionary re-staging of The Crucible, set in the world of luxury salad-dressings. Not really. They’re just going to make their condiments (/burn down Essex). Both sub-teams will create a sample set to be given to the marketing/branding teams for initial sales, then produce the full factory-run for the day ahead. Everybody ready for lots of lovely appetising shots of food production?

Mmmmm

NUMMY NUMMY NUM!

Ricky Martin is leading this sub-team for Phoenix, as he offered, and we learn that he is a biochemist turned recruitment manager. Hang on, he’s a wrestling biochemist called Ricky Martin? I see that my prediction of labs that actually breed reality tv contestants have become a reality. Tom is delegated doing the costings for the team and Azhar…I don’t know, splashes around in a giant vat going “I AM THE KILLER WHALE OF THE TOMATO SAUCE! SPLOOSH SPLOOSH!”. Adam’s in the car-park having a fag and wolf-whistling at women. That’s this sub-team.

Meanwhile, Duane is heading up the equivalent team for Sterling, ably assisted by Laura, Jane and…who’s left? Oh crap it’s Jenna. It’s alright, she’s not saying much. Anyway, Jane is in charge of working out the recipe and of course, messes it up, slowing the whole team down as she stands there stabbing away at a calculator and snarlterviewing that

SEW GIN EWE WINE

she is GIN EWE WINE LEE trying hard, and she’s not an accountant, and she only volunteered to do this because she was so shit last week, so Duane needs to less AGGRESSIVE with her when he asks her to give him an actual answer to the question he asked her ten minutes ago.

Back in London “Katie and her Branding Boys” are meeting with their design people to come up with a bottle label design, for their “Bellissimo Sauce”, which apparently has a “hot red pepper” flavour. Stephen wonders what images Italy brings up for you. For him, it conjures up visions of

Such visions

“sun, sea, sand, a sunset”. For me it conjures up images of peering out of my tent at 8am, as I am awoken by the dulcet tones of Tom Jones bellowing “BLACK BETTY, BAM A LAM” (it was big in Europe that year ok) to see the largest penis I had ever seen (or ever will see probably) being hurled around like an Olympic hammer by a middle-aged Frenchman with a ponytail. That and, like, Michaelangelo’s David and the Piazzo del Campo and stuff. Anyway, this inspires some quality Apprentice

Sunny

GCSE Coursework Design, and a bragterview from Stephen about he has been the ideas man and his ideas have all been amazing. Michael grunts that it looks like sun-tan lotion, and Katie basically says “oh just stick a pepper on it and that’s it, I’m bored”.

Smooth

And so, it is done.

The design process over on Sterling meanwhile

A Level Coursework right there

takes about 5 seconds, because none of their team are try-hard attention seekers. Yet. Outside of the boardroom.

Back in the factory and

MMMMM

YUM. The test batch of InFusion chutney is almost ready. It appears that Jenna has made it, as she complains that the gas it’s giving off is making her eyes hurt. Bodes well. Once it’s done, Jane suggests that they taste it before allowing it out into the world.

mMMMM
Tasty
Nirrck wants to try!

Maybe Chucky Chutney was the right name after all? Nirrck interviews that the stuff is inedible because there’s three times too much chilli in it, whilst Jane crows “I TOLD YOU NOT TO TASTE IT!” with a massive smug grin on her face.

a)…
b)…
c) you told him TO taste it
d)…
e) IT’S YOUR RECIPE.

This abomination being all their stock, they have nothing to send to Nick’s sub-team, so Duane says very mildly that he’s going to take charge of things with more of a micro-management approach from here on out. Jane smart-arses that she didn’t do that particular batch, and then Duane drowns her face-first in a giant vat of mint sauce and nobody calls the police THE END.

Meanwhile, on Phoenix, the sample is complete, and ready to be shipped out, but not before Adam winks at a factory girl and asks if she’d like to taste his special sauce. The labels arrive from the Design Place, ready to be affixed to the bottle, and everyone complains that there’s not a chilli on it, wah wah wah. The fact that it

scribble scribble

looks cheap as chips and the writing is so small it can’t even be read with a magnifying glass apparently doesn’t bother them at all. Next up, the FACTORY RUN. Ricky doesn’t miss a beat, and gets his boys back on the production line. Giant furry blobs of red tumble into vats, Adam picks out spoons and tells Azhar to go wash them chop-chop, Tom…just stands around looking pretty and glowering (I am getting BAD Wotherspoon vibes off him all of a sudden), and then suddenly

Mmmm

SOMETHING’S WRONG.

Like…

ATTACK ATTACK

this sort of wrong. The sauce has gone a funny colour and has started coagulating and I think…maybe breathing? According to Adam it is “boiling like an omelette”. MMM! BOILED OMELETTE! SIGN ME UP! He then interviews, looking like Aardman decided to revamp Creature Comforts but with

Literally

talking penises, saying that too many cooks have spoiled the broth, but nobody knows who messed up this particular batch. I am so surprised that they’re not all gang-blaming Azhar that I have to sit down for a bit. Anyway, Adam and Tom stand around the offending vat poking at it and muttering until

MMM, CLAGGY

this is the end result, and it has to be scrapped. Helpful Voiceover Man tells us that this is 100 bottles worth of raw materials down the drain. D’OOPS.

Back on the road now, and

SWANK

this place, which is well top drawer and classy and that, and who are entertaining the idea of buying product from both teams, thanks to Lordalan having sat on them. On their way there are the Sterling B-Team of Nick, Jade and Gabrielle. They ring Duane up to ask where the sample is, for them to use in their pitch. Duane’s all “there is no sample, also Jenna has no eyebrows any more, also I am calling you from hospital. They think they might actually have to remove my stomach”.

Oops

Nick flaps and wonders aloud what to do, and Duane says he doesn’t know either, but DEFINITELY DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET THEM EAT ANY OF THE PRODUCT. Nick and Jade have a cry.

Definitely in possession of a sample are the Phoenix A-Team, and it seems to be going down quite well with the Partridge Buyers. They ask Katie what sort of people she envisions buying this sauce and she says

Doop

“erm…human people? Ones with legs?”. It’s THE sauce to use with your burger! She tells them it has a cost price of £1.49 and it is erm…really good! Chief Partridge sneers that they’re clearly going for the Italian market by calling it “Belissimo”. Stephen grins and nods and bulges his eyes and says “YES, IT MEANS ITALIAN FOR BEAUTIFUL OR POSSIBLY “WITH BIG BOOBS” BUT DEFINITELY SOMETHING GOOD!” To which Chief Partridge points out that it’s

D'OOPS

spelled incorrectly. It should have 2 Ls. Stephen tries to

CHANGE, DAMN YOU

change reality with his mind by just STARING AT IT. He’s no Azhar is he?

Kaen Kaenterviews that they had a deal within their grasp, but the spelling ruined it for them at the last minute. Kaen is NOT impressed. Is she ever? Except with how Alex Wotherspoon dealt with the travails of people hating him because he’s beautiful. Outside Stephen whitters that he CHECKED the spelling, this CANNOT BE HAPPENING! Meanwhile Michael wears the same face he’s worn for the 139 minutes of show there’s been so far this series, and will be wearing for his remaining 39.

B'eh

Quite.

Meanwhile, Nick and Jade are

MAMMA MIA!

gesticulating and smacking their lips adorably about how they’re going to save this pitch via BLUFFING and Gabrielle wondering what she’s going to do if they actually start making out with tongues. They both yell “CITRUSY! GINGERY! RUSTIC…BUT REVOLUTIONARY!” at one another and I think this is my favourite thing of the entire episode.

LOVE CONNECTION

MEANT TO BE.

Naturally the pitch itself dies

DED

like an ant under a magnifying glass in the Mojave, but I think it was worth it just for that. Nick interviews that he’s never been more embarrassed and he really thought that he and Duane could turn this losing team around but…

Bawww

turns out not.

Fortunately, back at the factory, Duane is safely in charge and thanks, per Helpful Voiceover Man, to some “last minute tweaks” (ie, not dumping a fuck-ton of chilli in it), their chutney is now…officially…

THUMBS UP!

EDIBLE! Duane speedterviews very very fast that it’s all going well now, but there’s a lot of pressure and his neck’s on the line so he’s really going to have to get back in and get working FOR THAT WIN. THEY CAN STILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN IF THEY GIVE THEMSELVES TO THE UTMOST!

PUSH HER IN!

PUSH HER IN! PUSH HER IN! PUSH HER…oh wait, sorry, I got lost there for a minute. Nice cauldron work there, Witchy McGee. Anyway, she starts yelling at Duane about what he needs to be doing (PUSH HER IN! PUSH HER IN!) and Duane runs around adorably doing about 17 jobs at once. HOORAY FOR DUANE! By nightfall, the team have somehow managed to produce a decent amount of product.

Meanwhile, over on Phoenix

Ew

everything’s still claggy and awful. 15 minutes to go and this

Ick ick ick

is their product line. Looks like a lot of harmless old vicars have accidentally fallen off a lot of ladders accidentally onto a bottle and accidentally got it jammed somewhere accidentally because they accidentally fell off a ladder. If you catch my meaning. Tom appears to be in charge of cleaning off residue, by vaguely flapping at some bottles and dropping them all on the floor. But it’s alright,

A MAN WITH A PLAN!

RICKY MARTIN HAS A PLAN! Tip it all back in a vat, and add some water. THAT WILL MAKE IT RUNNY AGAIN! You can tell he’s a biochemist (wrestler called Ricky Martin). The editors dig out some OTT rousing music, just to extra specially take the piss, as Ricky Martin announces “TEAM PHOENIX! RISING FROM THE ASHES ONCE AGAIN!”. I think this might be the first time actually. I’m guessing it won’t be the last.

Ricky Martin salvageterviews that they didn’t make as much product as they hoped, but at the end of the day

SAVE ME OBI-WAN

this hairnet makes him look like Princess Leia, so he’s happy. He really feels like he’s shown that he can “take the charge” and take the lead and get his voice heard. Yes…well done. *pats head*

He rings Katie back at the Apprentice Hacienda, and lets her know that his team really messed up and didn’t make nearly as much sauce as they had hoped they were going to.

DERP

OOPS. He suggests that maybe Katie do some MARGINS MAGIC by raising the price of the sauce to cover the costs up his massive screw-ups. She asks what sort of figure he had in mind and Adam blares in that he doesn’t know, but they’ve got 300 bottles, so you work it out yourself love, he’s had a hard day. Also could you make him a bacon sandwich for when he gets back. Make that two. No crusts. Brown sauce. He’d also like the bacon to be a bit brown at the edges but not cremated. Oh and SMOKED bacon. Don’t forget.

flerp

Anyway, Katie does some MARGINS MAGIC (ie, adds £2 to the price or something) and then despairs.

8am next day now and Stephen is

Gobble gobble

either tired, or bored (AMEN TO THAT BROTHER!), or practicing…some sort of technique…he might try and impress Lordalan with if they lose. That’s right, bugling! I don’t know what you were thinking of. Jade is making herself look

Tum ti tum

pretty for Nick, and Michael

Scarf scarf scarf

is trying to get some food down and keep it down. Any food. Any food at all. Katie calls a morning meeting to deal with the utter mess created in the factory yesterday. She tells her team that the aim is to sell as little as possible to trade, and just go straight for street sales at £3.99 per bottle. And because the aim is to sell as little to trade as possible, she’s

SANDBAG

making Michael the sub-team leader for the “selling to trade” team. Yeah, that should work. She’s going to be coupling him with Tom and Azhar, whilst she, Stephen, Adam and Ricky Martin will be the other team, selling in Stratford. Stephen effing YELLS “BELLISSIMO!” from the other side of the table, and off they go. Michael interviews that all his team have been tasked with doing is selling 80 bottles out of 300, and that should be easy. Yeah…you’d think.

Over on Sterling they’re all cooing at their product.

YUMMERS

Why am I not surprised that a sub-team containing Gabrielle came up with the tag-line “Yummy Goodness”? Duane gets everyone to try their product to optimise their enthusiasm for selling it, and Jade starts lady-jizzing herself like it’s liquid ambrosia. They all load their product into vans, Nick calls everyone “dudes” whilst doing so.

HUGS NOT DRUGS!

At this point I would like a team of Duane, Nick, and Jade, all driven around in a hippy-daisy van by Gabrielle constantly chewing a pen and yes, if you like, they can solve mysteries. Katie can cling to the roof dressed as a ninja wearing nylon tights over her face (and eyes). Everyone else can fall into the Sun. (Maybe Ricky Martin and Laura can be spared, we shall see) (Also Stephen is growing on me, kind of) (What, it’s a lean series.)

Sadly, because Duane is so sick of Jane, he has subbed her into Nick’s sub-team in place of Jade. I am so sad (especially as I know she gets swapped to Phoenix next week, which means she and Nick had, like, ONE PERFECT DAY TOGETHER and then it was RUINED. SO MANY FEELINGS). They’re the designated “Trade Sales” team, and run right into

sinister

these two, who have come right out of The Wicker Man and say things like “the chutney-maker has spoken” and reject them out of hand because they’re not using British Seasonal Products in their chutney. I feel Jade scoffing the stuff down and smearing it all over her face whilst doing a blissed out giggle like one of the Lotus-Eaters might have been a better advert for the product than, say,

Why are you not buying my wonderful things?!

this haughty mug. Not that I’m bitter. Afterwards Nick says that that was disappointing and Jane tuts and says “yeah, but what can you do?”. Not suck?

Hey, remember how Jenna nearly got the entire team murdered with her stinking attitude selling to shops in the wilderness surrounding London Zoo?

SULK

It’s not got MUCH better. Sales for the whole team from their supermarket stall seem to be slow, but Duane is still charming and upbeat and he understands that not everybody likes to be bothered on their lunch break, but he was expecting sales to pick up around about now, but everything’s fine and it’ll all come good in the end, you see, all it takes is a smile and a positive attitude!

SMILE SMILE

This show is going to break him SO HARD. You can already see a bit of a twitch forming.

Meanwhile, over in Stratford Westfields, Phoenix are setting out their stall.

A VERITABLE FEAST!

Oops, they’ve accidentally spliced in a clip of the Series 5 catering task by mistake, how silly. Adam wanders around calling women “sweetheart” (*grits teeth*); Ricky waffles on about how he’s a sweet man, not a spicy man (not what I’ve heard) ; Stephen corners some women and gets them to put their hands up for…

ME FIRST!

various stuff, and everyone patronises the hell out of Katie. Kaen praises her for having got her prices sorted out following losing huge amounts of stock yesterday (bottles are selling for £3.99 a bottle, or 3 for £10), and also thinks the men on the team have a “nice way about them” when approaching the public.

Cheap date

I’m not saying she’s easily impressed but…oh wait, I totally am.

Azhar rings up, from the Irrelevant Subteam, and asks just how low Katie’s going to allow them to sell the bottles for (I would be interested to know at this point if the sub teams are being FORCED to sell to trade. I’ve got a feeling they might be). Katie gives the nod for them to sell the stuff for £1.99 if they just need to get rid of it. Anyway, it’s time for Michael to begin negotiations, and I will say now that every series gets the Smug Cow that it deserves and this is the one for this series.

*sniff*

Needless to say, she’s no Smug Cow. Or Tea Bag. Or Kitchen Bint. I’m going to call her the “Saucy Maiden”, but trust I am doing it reluctantly. There’s a lot of tedious back and forth, and eventually we discover that Saucy Maiden is not shifting any higher than paying £1.95 per bottle, so that’s the end of that. I’m really only recording this because it’s the one point of this (or indeed any) episode where Michael speaks and it’s relevant to the plot. And it’s a fussy, sweaty jumble. Just give the man a duvet and a mug of Lemsip and cancel the task, this is CRUEL. Once it’s over

WAH WAH WAH

Azhar whineterviews that Michael should never have been put in charge of the sub-team because he sucks at negotiating and proved it by messing it up royally.

Briefly we return to the Phoenix base-team, for no other purpose than to show that they’re still selling well.

SELL
SELL
SELL

You know, just to confirm they’re about to lose horribly. Mmm, noshers. Two things of note stand out – Katie yelling “PLEASE COME AND TRY OUR BELLISSIMO SAUCE, IT’S MEDITERRANEAN!” and Ricky’s terrifying flirting with that woman there.

Terrifying

Sterling B-Team now, and they’re returning to Partridges, but this time…WITH A SAMPLE! And Jane, but you can’t have everything. They land the sale, for 300 jars at £1.70 a pop, and Gabrielle grins the grin of a woman who

VICTORY IS MINE!

just scored a victory despite the fact that the last thing she said was “Charlie Chutney” an entire day ago. Given that they just sold more than the quantity of Phoenix’s ENTIRE STOCK, I think we can probably declare the task over right here yes? Everyone cheers, Nirrck sneers that this is “a turn-up for the books” and then the sub-team decamp to the pavement to do

WOO!

this.

Meanwhile, over on the Phoenix B-Team, it’s time for a patented Apprenticoup. Basically, Tom and Azhar decide they’re going to do all of the rest of the pitches themselves and Michael is going to sit there in silence. They discuss this across Michael in the back of the Apprenticar, whilst he just…

Tum ti tum

sits there and takes it. Has the flu actually left him temporarily deaf? Anyway, Azhar and Tom do the next pitch, to this week’s Incidental Character Boyfriend

So correcty

Mark The Italian Spelling Corrector, and Michael still just

*glaze*

sits there, with that eerie look on his face, looking hungover. I think he might actually be the most pointless contestant of all time. He doesn’t even (SPOILERS) go mental in the boardroom like Joy Stefanicki did. What is point? Michael interviews that Azhar and Tom are jumping in with, like, loads of IDEAS and THOUGHTS and WORDS and that, and he’s starting to feel left out, because he’s got none of the above to offer, but as long as they sell lots and lots and lots of sauce, it doesn’t matter. Azhar then shifts 12 bottles, for £2.15 each. EVERY LITTLE HELPS.

One hour to go, and it’s time to PANIC-SELL. Duane tells a concerned looking Jade that it’s time to go to Plan B now. Oh Duane, it’s far too late to try to create a range of “condom mints” and claim you misheard. Also no man wants a minty tingle down there I can tell you that now. It turns out that Plan B is in fact your usual frenzied

RUN RUN RUN

“sprint around the streets” job. As it

RUN RUN RUN

apparently is for Phoenix. Dash dash dash, sell sell sell, offload your entire remaining stock for £40…

OFFLOADED

SELLING ENDS!

Both managers ring their sub-teams to find out what the situation is. Michael reveals to Katie that his sub-team have only sold 53 bottles out of the 80 they started with. Katie crows “REALLY? WE’VE SOLD EVERYTHING!” and Michael grins amiably and says “oh, well done guys, how did you do that?” whilst

Actual murder

Tom and Azhar plot murder. Adam hoots “BY SELLIN’!” loudly down the phone and then everyone cracks up at what a simpleton Michael is. Tom huffs and leans into the phone and sighs “ignore that question Adam” before

YOINK

grabbing the phone and apologising to him for “letting him down”. Because Adam’s the Project Manager now apparently. The situation on Sterling is similar – the main team have sold out, whilst Team Nick still have 72 units left over. Still, Gabrielle and Nick giggle-snort away and Jane stares at them all

WHAT?

“HOW ARE YOU NOT WHINING HORRIBLY ABOUT THIS IN SOME WAY? YOU PEOPLE ARE ALIEN TO ME WITH YOUR SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE!”.

RESULTS TIME!

The teams take to their Apprenticars and Katie thinks…

BOOM

DEFINITELY RICKY MARTIN. In the event of a loss, ASSASSINATE RICKY MARTIN! I can’t wait for this internal programming to go hilariously wrong in the celebrity auction task.

Everyone arrives at the pre-Boardroom and rest assured

CHIVALRY TEAM, ACTIVATE!

the Chivalry Squad are still very much in effect. Well, except Adam – he’s probably using Jenna as a foot-stool whilst Laura scrubs his feet. Nick ponders

DAMN YOU, JANE!

WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE JADE?! and then the candidates are boot-scooted in to meet the boss.

Once inside, and seated, Kaen falls asleep, Nick decides that it was DEFINITELY the disinherited niece who dunnit, and Lordalan finishes gagging on Duane’s chutney and

ENTERS!

enters.

He opens by saying it was an interesting task (*scales gesture*), and food industry orientated (*scales gestures, because some of that was NOT IN ANY WAY FOOD*), and that he’s going to start his analysis with Phoenix. Lordalan reminisces about how he hand-picked Katie to join the men, and asks her whether she became Project Manager like she was supposed to, dramatically speaking. She affirms that she did. Barely able to disguise his washer-woman glee,

GLEE!

Lordalan looks down at her RAY-ZYOO-MAYY and reads off that she said on it that she has the power to manipulate men with her sexy powers and boobs and stuff. Katie amazingly

mwah ha ha

tosses her blonde hair back and lets forth what’s supposed to be a good-natured laugh but which comes out more like a panto-villain not really comitting. (Dear Tom : consider being less sour, 24 hours a day all your life). “Goodteamleader?” gets…well it gets Katie laughing and mewling “don’t criticise me!”. I’m starting to think she’s not taking The Process entirely seriously. Anyway, she gets an affirmative answer, with particularly effusive testimonials from Stephen and Ricky Martin.

We cover the team’s process next, and Katie says they picked the idea of a table sauce quickly, because it was the most mass market, and then split into the factory and marketing sub teams. Lordalan asks Ricky Martin who was on his factory sub-team and he identifies Azhar, Tom and Adam, to which identification Adam cannot resist smugging

I'm great, me!

“I had a major part in the operation, as per usual”.

I’m sure you could take yourself definitively out of contention in fewer words, but I’m not sure how. Maybe anti-Semitism? Lordalan asks Adam if he was, in fact, Modesty Manager, and Adam splutters that he’ll give credit where credit’s due, which appears to be now, and to himself. Lordalan chides him that he in fact will decide who was good or not, and then tell the editors to cut the episode accordingly, thank you very much. What did Adam ACTUALLY DO? In response Adam says “cracked on” about fifty times, and lies that Ricky Martin also did a great job running the production line.

Tom on the other hand, is not playing this game to lose, and breaks rank

PIKACHU! I BLAME YOU!

and says that the factory team didn’t make nearly as much product as it set out to, and this resulted in unavoidable additions to the cost price. Katie says that this was the case, and also it meant that they had to more or less abandon the idea of selling to trade because it wasn’t worth it. Ho hum.

Sterling now, and “goodteamleader?” for Duane gets an effusive response, especially from Nick, whilst the editors make sure we know that

*SEETHING*

JANE IS SEETHING INSIDE! Lordalan calls her out on her sour demeanour and Jane perks up all

HI!

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I LOVE DUANE! SORT OF!”. Lordalan then identifies that Jane works in the food industry, and asks Duane if he fully utilised her. Duane affirms that he did. To be fair, they did produce far more product than the other team and it appears (once they flushed the death batch) to taste better, so she may well have helped a lot, but the edit doesn’t want us to recognise that and, as it’s Jane, I’m not going to.

We briefly cover said death batch of chutney, which Nirrck does an extended comedy rant about, leading to

TEE HEE, WE NEARLY KILLED A MAN

much merriment from all concerned. We also cover how this led to them trying to sell thin air to Partridges, who Lordalan sat on PERSONALLY, FOR THEIR BENEFIT! HOW RUDE! *pouts*

NUMBERS TIME!

Phoenix sold 305 bottles of sauce, and made a profit of £586
Sterling sold 607 jars of chutney, and made a profit of £1028

Oops
YAY

PHOENIX BURRRRRRRRN INTO ASHES!

Lordalan points out that this is Sterling’s first win, and as a treat, he’s about to send them off to where another Sterling used to “run around” – Silverstone. That was a messy day for Formula One… Anyway, they’re off there to drive brum-brum cars around for an hour, what fun. Ricky Martin’s face protests on behalf of all men who

NO! NOT THE BRUM BRUM CARS!

would have liked to drive the brum-brum cars around because that’s what boys like doing. Out go Sterling and

HUG!

when they stand like this, I can pretend that Nick, Duane and Jade are the ENTIRE TEAM. Back in the Boardroom, Katie looks

WEEPZ

on the verge of tears. Maybe she’s taught herself to secrete poison from her tear ducts.

REWARD TIME!

Everybody say CARS!

VROOM!

WOO! As if I wouldn’t already hate this reward enough, the weather’s also crap. The candidates are shown the vehicles and are told that first will be driving a GT72 F-Class BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH NOSE-CONE HORSE-POWER BLAH. My boredom is leavened by Nick hollering

VROOM!

“YOU’VE GOT NO CHANCE, GUYS!” like the rich frathole in a John Hughes movie. Because they’re such competition. I can’t wait for Gabrielle to accidentally put her foot on the reverse and jerk violently into a hedge. Laura’s next, and

BOOP OOP EE DOOP

still clearly very disappointed that she didn’t get to show off her blow-up doll skills earlier. As Laura drives around screaming at 30mph, Duane kvetchterviews that

What a nice day out

he’s having a lovely time, and he doesn’t want to ruin everything, but can he just mention how Jane’s an awful excuse for a human being (/”he’s a bit disappointed in her”). She got her figures wrong, she held up production, and she pulled a face when asked if he was a goodteamleader. It’s just not on. I feel this is the beginning of Duane’s fall from Apprentice Innocence. And of course it comes from having met Jane.

Oh look

*snarl*

here she is now, saying that she and Duane don’t really see eye to eye, and he definitely won’t be receiving any Christmas cards from her. *fear* I bet Jane sends Christmas cards from her son. I bet she makes him sit there til he gets them right. We close with Duane

OH, YOU BETTER SPRAY!

chasing everyone around spraying them with his champagne. Sinister.

(Can I just register my delight that, on a series where there’s already Jane/Jade, Nick/Nirrck and Katie/Laura confusion (the latter because I’m generally thick, not because of the names), there is now a feud between Jane and Duane? And I thought Harry 1 vs Harry 2 was bad).

In Loser Cafe meanwhile, nobody’s spraying anybody with anything, except rancid Defeat Juice. Katie ponders aloud how the other team managed to produce twice as much stock as they did. I find basic competence helps. Also not having to bury half your stock at sea because it constitutes a violation under the Geneva Convention. I’m still half-expecting that gelatinous mess to rise up in 25 years and squash Tokyo. Outside she interviews that it doesn’t look good for her after losing three times in a row, now as Project Manager

Oops

Whatever Katie, after such misguided movements as “Harry Maxwell : Not That Bad After All” and “Tom Totally Deserved To Win Because He Is Nice”, I don’t think being good at this show counts even one iota any more. Lose everything and bat your eyelashes and act like Jane is picking on you, you’ll be fine.

Back in the room Adam

Hurry up love, it won't suck itself

rocks back in his MAN CHAIR and says that it’s irrelevant how much less product than the other team they made, because they sucked so badly at selling that they were pushing the limits of what they could shift as it was. THAT’S THE SPIRIT! Ricky Martin then pops up and interviews, verbatim :

IT WAS THE OTHER BOYS

“Without me, they would have made half the profits, the good things that happened were thanks to me, the bad things were…things…the other guys…ugh…terrible *shakes head*”. Then Tom flails sourly all

SOUR SOUR SOUR

“one batch of product went missing, Michael sucks, erm, something was misspelled and Ricky Martin has gay hair but I did nothing wrong and you can’t pin anything on me Wotherspoon Wotherspoon I AM GREAT”. Back in the room, Stephen tells everyone they need to go back to the Apprentice Hacienda, look at themselves in the mirror, and say to themselves “Have I given 100%? If so, I should be fired, because this is The Apprentice, and anything less than 117% is for LOSERS”. Thanks, dad.

BOARDROOM TIME!

Everyone gathers in the atrium as Katie thinks

BANG

“Michael : one bullet : right here : BOSH”. Ricky Martin’s Eyebrow bobbles around like it’s being operated by a pull-string, Stephen tries to find hips lis to lick them nervously, and Whoever-It-Is grunts that they can go in now, if they feel like it, whatever, she aint even bovvered tho. Candidates enter, and sit.

Lordalan starts with the immortal line : “OK, perhaps someone would like to start me off?”

Erm...no

Yeah, I’ll pass, thanks.

Turns out Ricky Martin would like to start him off, as he reels out that the team didn’t make enough product, and therefore didn’t sell enough, so the profits weren’t…right. Way to trip over your own one line speech there Promo King. Lordalan says this is SPOT ON. He asks Ricky Martin why they only produced 330 bottles of stuff to sell, and Tom breaks in to say that he worked out the numbers on the team (yeah, I’d be bragging about THAT). They could have made 500 bottles from their raw materials, but one entire batch had to be thrown away, and also a squirrel came in and stuff.

Kaen asks WHY one batch had to be fired into space, and Adam decides to shart out the old cliche, again, that “too many cooks spoiled the broth”. Except the other team had the same amount of cooks so, erm, yeah. Kaen replies “so you don’t really know what happened to it then?”

Poor Food

clearly genuinely aggrieved that food had to die in the making of this task. Adam admits that he doesn’t actually know, no. He just felt like staying stuff, AS ALWAYS. Lordalan then all but rolls his eyes at Adam and brings up again how he :

a) randomly honked praise about himself in a pre Results Boardroom
b) on a task he lost
c) about something he sucked at
d) which cost them the task
e) and then implied that he deserved the same level of credit as that on every task he’d done so far

Adam STILL DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE THING THAT HE HAS DONE as he continues waffling “yeah, but I like to think, no, but really, WHAT DOES KAEN KNOW SHE’S JUST A GIRL?” into the ether. Lordalan vainly tries to get Adam to admit that the production line sucked given that it produced only 66% of what it set out to, created an environmental hazard with a half-life until 2087, and generally sprayed sticky red liquid around like a malfunctioning porn-star with a BAD PROBLEM. Ricky starts nodding at WARP SPEED to show that he gets it, but Adam is resolute.

I mean, I never had Adam down as one of the good parts of the Men’s Team but JESUS WEPT.

Ricky incidentally has decided the temperature of…something was at fault. I dunno, he’s the biochemist. I can just about use a centrifuge, don’t look at me. He does take this opportunity to brag that he cleaned up all the wastage at the end of the day, stuffed it back into bottles, and sold it on. IT’S THE AMSTRAD WAY! HE SAVED 21 BOTTLES WORTH!

Lordalan laughs that this is hardly Dunkirk. Agreed. I think there was probably actually less fluid flying around unnecessarily at Dunkirk.

Lordalan goes on to task the team if the lack of product from the production line is the sole reason they lost the task. Everyone says “no”, except Stephen who has got

HE GOT THE LOOK DOOBIE DUCK MUCKING IN MAH HOOD

THE LOOK about him. He thinks if they’d had more stock, they would have sold it, end of. Katie breaks in to say that they didn’t sell all of their product as it was, and Kaen breaks down that the Sub-Team sold 53 bottles of sauce, and the Main Team sold 252 bottles. Ricky and Katie both mutter that it’s a huge difference. Yes, well you only gave your sub-team 80 bottles in the first place so…nurr?

Tom breaks in to try to make this about marketing somehow, as he was apparently repeatedly told that it was impossible to tell what the sauce was. Erm…it’s thick red liquid with bits in it, in a bottle with a giant pepper on the front. It’s not Balsamic vinegar is it? Stephen starts yelling “THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL SELLING!”. Tom protests the differences between selling to retail and selling to the public and, whatever, it’s 30 bottles, to retail. It would have given you less than £60, your team was irrelevant, move on.

Next we cover the spelling mistake, and Stephen protests that not one single person mentioned it to him all day, so there. Lordalan points out that the tradesmen who turned them down because of the spelling mistake were, in fact, people. Michael then pipes in to say that Azhar sold it to a bloke who was Italian, and he noticed it.

So fascinating

Fascinating stuff.

We then move on to investigate the sub-team further, and Lordalan grunts that they were a complete JOKE. Their average profit per bottle was 60p, compared to “retail sales” of £1.92. Tom admits that this isn’t good enough, but says it’s all Michael’s fault, because he was his manager for the day.

AN INSPIRATION!

Can you imagine? He says it was all Michael’s fault because there was no strategy.

Beh

Next Lordalan offers his befuddlement at what the product is supposed to BE. Is it up-market? Is it aspirational? Are there potential tie-ins with social media? What would be this product’s hashtag? Lordalan protests that he can’t see a lorry driver asking his mate to

Sploosh

“pass the Bellissimo”. This Boardroom is so boring that I am actively hoping for that lid to fly off and the rest of the episode to be comedy attempts to get the stains out of Kaen’s dress, each attempt more fumbled and misguided (and erotic) than the last. Katie replies that the product was supposed to be mass-market, but the factory screw-up put paid to that, and she had to half-heartedly pretend it was up-market. By yelling “IT’S MEDITERRANEAN!”. So classy

For her first Boardroom Pick, Katie is firm in singling out Michael, and Lordalan asks if she’s arguing that they lost this task because of poor sales? Katie splutters about how he didn’t make the best of what they had, and then Lordalan asks who else is to blame. Katie says that she’s not entirely sure who was to blame for the production-line failure, to which Lordalan smirks that she’s not alone, and then Tom sidles in all “well who was put in charge of production *HINT HINT* IT WAS RICKY MARTIN *HINT HINT*”. Ricky Martin flusters and says that it didn’t matter how much they made given that they couldn’t even sell it all on the day, and Katie backs Ricky Martin up by saying he “sold his heart out”.

She still picks him to come back to the Boardroom with her though, LOL.

BURN!

SASSPASSINATED!

Candidates go out, I wonder how nobody has noticed that this entire task failure could have been avoided if they’d just added MOAR BASIL, candidates come back in again.

To find Kaen trying to give it High Fashion

WERK!

She’s still not smizing enough for my liking.

Anyway, we start with Ricky Martin, who is asked what he wants to say about his disastrous run as Factory Boss. He says that he was in charge of product, and they made enough to match the team’s selling capabilities. I can’t work out if he’s trying an outrageous bluff here or if he buys this. The team’s sales capability REVOLVED around the amount of product you produced! Specifically the part where you completely priced yourself out of selling it in bulk to retailers! Lordalan points this out, albeit whilst making it a point about table-sauces, and bats back right back to Ricky Martin the question of why they didn’t make enough. Ricky Martin then just resorts to outright lies, and says it was never made clear to him what the target market was.

Pffft

ASSASSINING IMMINENT! Katie protests, politely, that she told him that it was a mass-market product and asked that he make as many bottles as he could. Ricky Martin bats back that he went into the factory blind (that would explain a lot) and just tried to make as many bottles as he could. Nobody else would have made any more bottles than him in charge of the factory, so this is a moot point. IT’S NOT HIS FAULT! THE FACTORY DID IT! OR PROBABLY AZHAR! Katie says that she doesn’t doubt this (??!), so Ricky Martin asks why he’s specifically in the boardroom then, and Katie says that it’s because he was just the unlucky one in charge, D’OOPS!

Michael then decides to jump on Ricky Martin’s bandwagon and say that he never heard Katie say that they should make as many bottles as they could. Katie is

COUNT DOWN TO AN ASSASSINING

DISBELIEVING! It should go unsaid! It’s about as necessary to say that as it was to say “please sell all the stuff please” or “please don’t shit yourself in the middle of Westfields” or “for the love of CHRIST, don’t look in the boot of Kaen’s car, I think something died there”.

Speaking of Kaen, Lordalan asks her if she has any insight

Aw, here it goes

(oh Lawd, here we go). Kaen’s insight is that in the kitchen, they had too many people “cooking” (complete with

Oh Kaen...

actual Joey Tribbiani superfluous air-quotes) and not enough people actually filling the bottles. How does that explain how their product came out looking like the aftermath in the BAD TOILET at a chilli cook off? Ricky admits that the factory was mis-managed, but he has no experience at all. He’s not a “Food Man”, he was just learning as he was going.

The crappy sales of Michael’s sub-team are covered next, and Michael protests that the sales-price was too high to sell to trade with. Ricky then breaks in to ask why Michael didn’t either ask Katie to lower the price, or MAN UP and lower the price himself. Ricky tells Michael he was RUBBISH and should be EMBARRASSED. Michael protests that if he’d been in the Westfields team he would def blates have sold LOADS. He tells Katie it’s not fair that she hogged the best pitch for herself, and punted his sub-team down the river with only 80 bottles and trying to sell to retail at what should have been retail prices. Katie protests that she

ASSASSINING

HAD TO do this. She had no other choice but to transparently set up him as a fall guy as soon as she knew they were going to lose!. She and Ricky Martin then tag-team Michael until he feels the need to spiral off into a shame-spiral about how he’s not the world’s best salesman but damnit he’s got heart and he wasn’t born with a silver spoon and he aint got no 2:1 from no Oxford University. And after eight series

OH FAHCK OFF MICHAEL SOPHOCLES

even Lordalan is bored of this rubbish. He tells Michael that he doesn’t care where he’s come from, he just cares about whether he can see investing £250,000 in him. Ricky Martin then pipes up and says “Lordalan wants to go into business with someone who makes things happen (things like the condiment industry’s equivalent of Three Mile Island), and makes money, and you’re not the man”. Michael gulps and says “well, I disagree”. NICE COMEBACK!

Lordalan asks him who should be fired, and he selects Katie, for not being “directive” enough in getting enough product made in the first place. (Remember when Zoe got fired for not over-seeing her production line on a task where the volume of product produced wasn’t even relevant? I’m not remembering for any logical point, it’s just that the thought of Zoe getting fired still makes me laugh). Ricky Martin calls Michael a PASSENGER and tells him he’s got nothing to offer. I bet he doesn’t even have a Finishing Move or NOTHING.

Lordalan next announces that he’s going to ask Michael a very “Simple Straightforward Good Old East End Question”. Is it “woss goin on?”. No, sadly it is “are you out of your depth?”.

YUP

Does it look like it? Michael protests that he isn’t but…come on.

We next cover how Katie bragged on her application about how she was going to manipulate the male candidates with her sex.

PHWOAR

At the moment she seems to be just sitting back like there’s no chance of her getting fired (which…there isn’t). Katie protests that that’s not the case. She accepts that the strategy was wrong at the beginning, but she identified everything that went wrong as they went along

Yeah yeah

and took steps to try to rectify it. She told Ricky to make as much sauce as he could, and she told Michael to sell as much as he could, and they both COCKED IT UP.

FIRING TIME! Ricky Martin is the fire-tease, because Lordalan believes he was responsible for the failure of the task, but Michael is fired, because Lordalan can tell he’s just not going to be able to hack it in this competition. Unlike, you know, Gabrielle. Or Jenna. Anyway, Michael wanders off to find a bin to throw up in.

SPEW

ASSASSINATERATERATED! Lordalan does, however, put Katie on notice that he doesn’t want to see her in the Final Boardroom EVER AGAIN otherwise…probably nothing, because at the moment her edit has “Losing Finalist” written all over it, but we shall see.

*chew chew*

In his CAB OF SHAME, Michael says he’s feeling a bit sad that he

Boo hoo

didn’t represent himself well on the show. Don’t worry Michael, in a week’s time nobody will remember you were even on this series. The recap of last week’s events will say “and then some guy got fired *shrug*”.

Back at the house, Jenna is honking away merrily that Katie will be fired as she’s already been in the Firing Line before. Adam meanwhile thinks that Michael will go because he Didn’t. Do. Anything. And this is a fact so obvious that Katie and Ricky Martin

Woo

don’t even bother with their own version of the fire-teasing, which is apparently all but mandatory these days. Everybody claps and cheers, and then Ricky Martin sits them all down to tell them the Boardroom story. He was there, fighting for his life. Lordalan told him that he was responsible for the failure of the task. Suddenly his entire Apprentice life flashed before his eyes. This was it! He was about to be fired in WEEK THREE! Then he remembered that Michael was there

TEE HEE
WHAT A LOSER!

LOLMICHAEL WHAT A GOON! Everyone yucks it up about how effing useless Michael was. It’s a sweet bonding moment.


NEXT WEEK :

Oh dear...

the candidates call round at Nick’s house, because he’s not been answering Lordalan’s calls. It smells of rot and biscuits and it does not end well.

3 down,12 to go

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41 thoughts on “The Apprentice 8 – Episode 3

      1. Ferny

        The very idea of Apple Sue still makes me laugh. Especially when said in Philip’s dulcet tones.

      2. monkseal Post author

        Phillip being brought down by Lorraine of all people will never not tickle me.

      3. Lily

        I blame your blog xD I looked it up and it said Apricot Sue then it changed to Apple Sue later on. I’m sorry, as I’m writing this I feel childish and bitter but I just am xD

  1. Shrinking Man

    Where is that picture of Holly laughing from? There’s a story there I’m missing.

    Anyway, Tom always looks to me like he’s wearing a bolo tie, even when he’s not. Go on, picture him in cowboy boots strumming a guitar in front of one of those old-fashioned crooner mics they used to have, and you’ll see I’m right.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      She made a lame punning joke about something Len said in one set of judges comments, which nobody really heard, but which made her laugh anyway.

      Reply
      1. Shrinking Man

        Thank you. Now I’ve seen it on the Tube of You. Didn’t watch the actual dance, of course, because who cares? What I did notice, though, which seemed a little odd was that when the crowd were cheering her there was a close up of what looked like Keeley Hazell in the audience. the only connection between the two I know of is that Keeley did a photoshoot pretending to be Holly once.

      2. monkseal Post author

        Holly’s random celebrity army was another part of her amazingness. She always had about 5 randoms turn up for her, possibly because her Very Rich Boyfriend had bought them for her.

  2. Hannah25

    The picture of Holly is from Strictly when she was told she was in the bottom two for the fifty-second time and she just laughed her arse off. And did her hand limp, merrily cackling away.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Oh see that’s Zorro Week, which was her one week of UNAMBIGIUOUS TRIUMPH, so I can’t allow that to stand. She got more votes than Jason that week and I’m never letting that be forgotten.

      Reply
  3. Johnny

    Going mass market wasn’t a viable strategy in the first place when they knew they’d only be able to produce at most 500 bottles, everything going well. Apprentice format question: do the teams draw lots or something to ensure they go for different markets?

    Also, I haven’t yet seen anyone in the comments here point out that Gabrielle is obviously The Fit Girl One.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I did think that about 3/4 of the way through watching the episode again to recap it, but I wasn’t sure if it was just the fact that I don’t like Tom any more influencing me…

      Apparently Maria said last week that the women were forced into doing a Bathroom Product because the men got their choice of Kitchen Gadget in to the adjudicators first, so I’m guessing there is some scrapping over who you can aim for. Of course the show never explains these things, so it’s mostly supposition, usually based around “well they wouldn’t be so stupid as to do that unless they HAD to”. Which, with Apprentice contestants, is never a 100% safe bet.

      Reply
      1. sevenstories

        Yes on You’re Fired, Maria basically said that they had to do a bathroom gadget because the boys made a decision first and chose kitchen. It explains a lot really.

      2. monkseal Post author

        I don’t get why you’d preclude people competing in the same area of the house, televisually speaking. Were they worried the ideas would be too similar?

    2. constantmotion

      Agreed about Gabrielle, though that might be more a personality thing than a looks thing. Lush girl, though. Definitely the fit girl one.

      Reply
  4. Verns

    Thank you, Monkseal, for the many cackle-like-a-demented-witch moments (LOL doesn’t begin to cover it). Brilliantly funny.

    Reply
  5. Gav

    As much as Katie is rapidly becoming my favourite in this competition, she sort of feels like a Lidl version of Yasmina. Who would have harnessed the power and slayed this with the power of MOAR BASIL. This lot are so amateur.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Yasmina never would have left that kitchen. She would have made sure every stray hair and bit of bone was placed in there personally.

      Reply
  6. fused

    I was pleased that Pheonix lost this week, as Duane and Nick are the two I like the most from the boys, and I found most of the Pheonix team incredibly irritating this week.

    I loved the Sterling subteam of Jade, Nick and Gabrielle. I love your idea of Duane, Jade, Nick and Gabrielle as a Scooby Doo style team (especially Gabrielle driving, I think she has a ‘designated driver’ vibe to her for some reason), but what I like most about it is Katie dressed as a ninja clinging on the roof. I am starting to like Katie more.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m like Katie more, but it’s to the point where I’m having to tune her fans, because half of them are effing deranged. At least the worst Susan fans took a couple of months to detach themselves entirely from reality.

      Reply
  7. constantmotion

    Brilliant recap. And, special mention for the screencaps. I hate many things about Jane, but this – http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j11/NotPatrick/The%20Apprentice%208/NewPicture27-3.jpg – is not one of them.

    They’re a bit shit this year, aren’t they? I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt for the first few weeks, but they’re pissing it away veeeeery quickly. Still like Gabrielle, Duane, Nick and Jade (in descending order), and I’m open to persuasion on Katie, Laura and Tom – but oof. Ricky, Adam, Jane, Jenna, and Stephen are, as far as I can tell, Hades’ children. That’s more hatred than I’ve ever felt as early as week three, I think. Five! Of thirteen! I dislike more candidates than I like. Series is still embryonic, three weeks in, though. Week five’s when the cast tends to morph in the shape everyone remembers. Who remembers Felicity? Or Shibby, particularly? Or Ian Stringer? Or Dr. Sophie Hitler?* A couple of the more spectacularly mad (or just spectacular) candidates persist – Rory and Ed and Paula and Mahamed – but week five’s by and large the week of the Vincents, Kimberleys, Palomas, et al. Or some such. The point where everything roughly takes shape. I guess. The selection we remember. Or I do, anyway.

    Next week’s task looks fun, though.** Shades of series 5 week 6. And I’ll get to make my mind up about Tom, looking at who’s PMing. Feels like the one I know least about. I’m hoping he’s not a villain. This series doesn’t need another villain.

    *Who, I’ve recently discovered, is now a stand-up comic. Sort of.
    **Then again, I thought this week’s task was fun. Explosively bad. Rarely bad. Perfume-task bad.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think it’s fair to let the show sort out its miscasts over the first month, but beyond that point they really should have all their characters down, and I can’t imagine them getting them done in time this run. Which…they didn’t last time either, but Jim, Susan and Tom were better at carrying the rest along than I’m guessing this year’s Contenders are going to.

      Of your Disliked Five I’m only really against Adam, Jenna and Jane. I do need one of Stephen or Ricky Martin to get fired soon, because they’re both nudging along in the case “Love To Hate” villain role and I can’t keep juggling both of them for much longer before making a decision. They both seem fairly harmless as opposed to actively malicious.

      Reply
      1. sevenstories

        I’m open to Ricky being a love to hate but Stephen just makes me feel kind of icky and uncomfortable. He always looks kinda sweaty and gross with his stary eyes and tiny lips. I feel like he’s always about to break out into Hannibal Lecter style “nice Chianti” tooth suck. Adam is the only one I full on loathe at the moment. I feel bad for Jenna because of that accent, she seems like a pretty average filler contestant but because of that voice she’s elevated to hate candidate.

      2. monkseal Post author

        I love Stephen’s enthusiasm for being at the centre of everything, giving off Middle-Of-The-Road dad vibes. I cannot BELIEVE he hasn’t been PM yet, although it looks like he is next week and more than makes up for lost time.

  8. Paw

    Does Ricky Martin have his left eyebrow permanently raised? Is it a horrible wrestling injury? Or biochemical (we were never told why he had to give up biochemistry)?

    Reply
  9. FuTeffla

    With all the talk about Ye Olde Spice Trading, I was half hoping that this week’s task would be for them to load up with saffron, climb aboard a fluyt and set sail for the high seas. First team to sight Hispaniola without succumbing to scurvy or mutiny is the winner! Let’s see if any of them really are the killer whale of the sea.

    Reply
  10. SuperkingManX

    Was I the only person who thought that the Saucy maiden looked a lot like Harvey from Little Britain’s (Bitty!) breast feeding mother?

    Reply
  11. MaterialGirl

    Monkseal how could you have missed the fact (or at least failed to comment) that the 2 people brought back into the boardroom were the same 2 who voted against Katie for project manager right at the beginning?? Their general crapness at the task was obviously all due to Katie’s stealth ASSASSINATINGNESS powers. God, she’s good. Although if she was truly brilliant she’d have managed to make it a double firing.

    Reply
  12. Carl

    I was sort of sorry to see Michael go. I could barely listen to him (although Jenna and Adam are first in that category), but he did seem to want to try. I also hated the snickering, nasty way most of the others behaved towards him. Beyond the laughs after he left the part I really hated was when he was (stupidly) asking how the other subteam sold all those bottles and Tom took over to make sure it was all some type of shaming session.

    I also liked Michael’s ears (maybe Russell Tovey can get him a role on that sitcom where Tovey and the woman never leave their bedroom).

    Jane is just awful to watch. She seems to be poisonous, yet doesn’t even have the plan to do this intentionally. I don’t understand why people kept letting her be in charge of figures. I wonder if they just wanted her to fail. I would think that this was all a running joke, to be laughed at at Apprenti reunions, but she doesn’t seem unpopular with the others.

    Adam’s smug comment about welcoming Katie to a “winning team” was the biggest sign they were going to lose.

    I loved the scene where Duane was running around the factory. Moments like that are why I still watch reality shows.

    Did you notice that your caps from that woman with her finger in the air to Azhar’s whineterview are all making Stephen faces? Stephen and Adam are both parodies of parodies of parodies, but Stephen is much more endearing.

    Reply
  13. JustLOLandTroll

    Maybe this comment is a little late, but I only just discovered this blog recently and I am seriously addicted to it. It’s fucking hilarious, and I can never get enough of Katie’s ASSASSINING (or however you spell it). Many times I just laughed out loud because you notice so many things us normal viewers miss. (Such as how evil Jane actually is, I didn’t realise how scary her glares were). I estimate I’ll be devoting several more hours in finishing reading all of your blog posts on this series of the Apprentice.

    Never stop. Please.

    Reply

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