Guess what? Lordalan went to the supermarket the other day (it’s alright, he had his minders with him. They shut the place down first) and saw this thing called REGGAE REGGAE Sauce. Can you believe that? Apparently it’s JAMAICAN. Anyway, he leapt back into his automobile, because this gave him an idea for an Apprentice task! Teams have to make their own line of condiments and erm…sell it…to…people and stuff? What, one idea a series is enough. That “don’t bother checking if anyone has any viable business plans” last series was a doozy!
It’s also, due to the girls being so crap, time for a TEAM SWITCH! Nick and Duane (aka “The Best Ones”) are ported over to Sterling in a desperate attempt to make them look less shit, whilst Katie toddles over to Phoenix before Jane can stab her to death with a spork for giggling at how ugly her son is in pictures. AS A MOTHER, JANE FINDS THIS OFFENSIVE. Katie promptly makes herself Project Manager of the men, elbowing aside both Stephen and a veritable barrage of patronising from Adam (“YOU ALRIGHT LOVE? IT’S A BIT ‘ARD THIS NUMBERS STUFF! WHY DON’T YOU JUST MAKE THE TEA AND THAT?” *pats Katie on the bottom*) on her way to the post. Duane’s path to power is easier, as these women are STUPID, and quite willing to hand him the opportunity to look like he’s walked in and whipped them into shape, Stella English style.
Which he promptly does. Well, apart from Jane, who proves herself unwhippable, and is an unbearble and constantly wrong pain in the arse throughout the task. Adding numbers up wrong, whining about how their chutney isn’t healthy enough (NO1CURR) and producing a batch of product so offensive that it almost kills Duane. This means that their team have no sample set to give to potential buyers on Day 1. Also her subteam undersells on Day 2. But other than that JANE IS COMING BACK FROM HER PROJECT MANAGER LOSS STRONG. The only other thing of note happening on the team is a burgeoning…not a bromance but…a friendship between a man and a woman…what FUCKING AWFUL CUTESY NAME COULD I GIVE THAT? Anyway, Nick and Jade are in wubb, and Gabrielle is hovvering in the background like a Victorian chaperone, chewing a pen and frazzling slowly.
Meanwhile, over on Phoenix, having tired of the playground parlour-game stabbings over on Sterling, Katie is carrying off her greatest ASSASSINING yet. A total takedown of an until-now invincible Men’s Team. Half the team barely sell anything; their packaging is cheap, misspelt, misrepresentative, and generally looks like a prop you’d find in a porno that’s set in a Nando’s ; and best of all their production line explodes halfway through, wiping out 20% of their stock before they’ve even started selling it. Fortunately, Ricky Martin scoops up some of the waste sauce, broken glass and spiders eggs up off the floor and puts it back into the bottles. And what thanks does he get? NONE. The only men to really excape the wreckage are Stephen, by sticking to Katie like a limpet throughout, and Tom by being the first to realise this ship is sinking and scrambling for safety, dunking everybody else’s heads underwater like Billy Zane in Titanic(/at the buffet table in a Taco Bell).
In the end, Phoenix lose by near-enough a 2:1 margin, and it’s left to Katie to pull off her third ASSASSINING in as many weeks. She flips her hair, does a hilariously crap Evil Laugh at how she has manipulated all the men with her sex ALL ALONG, and then activates the nanovirus she infected Michael with in Week One, leading to him spewing vomit all over the Boardroom and then dying of Ebola (*this may have beene dited somewhat for broadcast*) as she skates to another week of safety. Once she and Ricky Martin are back in the house, everyone has a good laugh at how crap Michael was, and what a waste of time it was bothering to cast him in the first place.
JOKE’S ON YOU PEOPLE, THAT TRUE OF A GOOD 50% OF YOU YET!