The Apprentice 8 – Episode 3 Summary

Guess what? Lordalan went to the supermarket the other day (it’s alright, he had his minders with him. They shut the place down first) and saw this thing called REGGAE REGGAE Sauce. Can you believe that? Apparently it’s JAMAICAN. Anyway, he leapt back into his automobile, because this gave him an idea for an Apprentice task! Teams have to make their own line of condiments and erm…sell it…to…people and stuff? What, one idea a series is enough. That “don’t bother checking if anyone has any viable business plans” last series was a doozy!

It’s also, due to the girls being so crap, time for a TEAM SWITCH! Nick and Duane (aka “The Best Ones”) are ported over to Sterling in a desperate attempt to make them look less shit, whilst Katie toddles over to Phoenix before Jane can stab her to death with a spork for giggling at how ugly her son is in pictures. AS A MOTHER, JANE FINDS THIS OFFENSIVE. Katie promptly makes herself Project Manager of the men, elbowing aside both Stephen and a veritable barrage of patronising from Adam (“YOU ALRIGHT LOVE? IT’S A BIT ‘ARD THIS NUMBERS STUFF! WHY DON’T YOU JUST MAKE THE TEA AND THAT?” *pats Katie on the bottom*) on her way to the post. Duane’s path to power is easier, as these women are STUPID, and quite willing to hand him the opportunity to look like he’s walked in and whipped them into shape, Stella English style.

Which he promptly does. Well, apart from Jane, who proves herself unwhippable, and is an unbearble and constantly wrong pain in the arse throughout the task. Adding numbers up wrong, whining about how their chutney isn’t healthy enough (NO1CURR) and producing a batch of product so offensive that it almost kills Duane. This means that their team have no sample set to give to potential buyers on Day 1. Also her subteam undersells on Day 2. But other than that JANE IS COMING BACK FROM HER PROJECT MANAGER LOSS STRONG. The only other thing of note happening on the team is a burgeoning…not a bromance but…a friendship between a man and a woman…what FUCKING AWFUL CUTESY NAME COULD I GIVE THAT? Anyway, Nick and Jade are in wubb, and Gabrielle is hovvering in the background like a Victorian chaperone, chewing a pen and frazzling slowly.

Meanwhile, over on Phoenix, having tired of the playground parlour-game stabbings over on Sterling, Katie is carrying off her greatest ASSASSINING yet. A total takedown of an until-now invincible Men’s Team. Half the team barely sell anything; their packaging is cheap, misspelt, misrepresentative, and generally looks like a prop you’d find in a porno that’s set in a Nando’s ; and best of all their production line explodes halfway through, wiping out 20% of their stock before they’ve even started selling it. Fortunately, Ricky Martin scoops up some of the waste sauce, broken glass and spiders eggs up off the floor and puts it back into the bottles. And what thanks does he get? NONE. The only men to really excape the wreckage are Stephen, by sticking to Katie like a limpet throughout, and Tom by being the first to realise this ship is sinking and scrambling for safety, dunking everybody else’s heads underwater like Billy Zane in Titanic(/at the buffet table in a Taco Bell).

In the end, Phoenix lose by near-enough a 2:1 margin, and it’s left to Katie to pull off her third ASSASSINING in as many weeks. She flips her hair, does a hilariously crap Evil Laugh at how she has manipulated all the men with her sex ALL ALONG, and then activates the nanovirus she infected Michael with in Week One, leading to him spewing vomit all over the Boardroom and then dying of Ebola (*this may have beene dited somewhat for broadcast*) as she skates to another week of safety. Once she and Ricky Martin are back in the house, everyone has a good laugh at how crap Michael was, and what a waste of time it was bothering to cast him in the first place.

JOKE’S ON YOU PEOPLE, THAT TRUE OF A GOOD 50% OF YOU YET!

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14 thoughts on “The Apprentice 8 – Episode 3 Summary

  1. Tim

    Best episode of the season so far, not least because of the potential for word-play and punnery.

    Adam is – to quote Q from the Bond films – “a sexist, misogynist dinosaur”, isn’t he? He’s also really quite pathetic in the way he constantly bigs himself up, when it’s obvious that Sugar is only going to shred him.

    Yet again I sort of agree with the firing, but sort of not. Michael sold badly, but it wasn’t his fault Phoenix lost the task. Even if his team had sold all their stock, they would still have lost by miles. The defeat was all down to (a) the product/branding being a bit (OK, a lot) crap and (b) the lack of production volume – no matter how many times Camp Ricky says it wasn’t his fault oh look at me I’m bloody wonderful, I am.

    Tom and Jade as potential winners, with Nick and Duane rounding out the main contenders?

    http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2012/04/05/the-apprentice-season-8-episode-3-condiments/

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I was considering Laura, but she’s surely been Under The Radar too long at this point? Three episode, and getting Middle Of The Road exposure in one and invisibility in the other two is Helen Milligan levels.

      I think Michael was just too ill to compete. He was green 24/7 and there were times he just seemed to zone out entirely. Total mercy-firing.

      Reply
  2. Neio

    I found this episode a little lacking, I’m not sure why. Maybe because the task wasn’t all that original (just a variation on the usual “invent and sell a new food product” task) and most of the candidates seemed more subdued than usual.

    Next week’s sell-a-load-of-old-tut task looks like it could be a good ‘un though.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I didn’t think there was a lot of character development really. The only person who I felt I learnt something about that I didn’t know already was Tom, and it wasn’t particularly positive. It’s still all about Jane & Katie for the girls, and it’s getting a bit stifling.

      Reply
  3. Jenny

    I feel guilty – as one of the people who encouraged you to blog this, you’re now stuck with having to sit through this shit.

    I switched off before the end last night, which actually makes me feel sad. It was always stupid and over-edited, now it’s beyond predictable, utterly random and BORING. We were given no real insight into how the winning team won by such a margin.

    Even being annoyed by Jane isn’t enough to keep me interested.

    (Pineapple chilli chutney sounds lovely though)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I really need Jane to go soon, because the constant zoom-cuts to her miserable face every 5 seconds are getting too much. WE GET IT, SHE’S A MISERABLE MOO, MOVE ON EDITORS.

      Reply
  4. sevenstories

    I always quite enjoy food tasks just because of the sheer possibilities for it to go horrendously wrong. I love the ridiculousness of the situation where you put a handful of hopelessly unqualified people in a kitchen and expect them to produce a credible food product in a very small space of time, having to invent, cook and bottle it all themselves. When they showed a shot of the first batch of chutney, I immediately said there’s too much chilli in that so I felt vindicated when Duane nearly died. Favourites are now Nick who managed to not make it all about gender, Duane, Jade and Gabrielle (just personality based on that last one!). Can’t wait to see the back of Adam.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I always love how it brings out the nascent Factory Floor Manager in some lower mid-level executive. It’s the closest they’ll ever get to tilling the soil. You can tell Duane was LUVVIN it.

      Reply
  5. Ferny

    I like the new “Rustic but revolutionary” ode to the Apprentice at the top of your blog. A great line of BS.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Nick & Jade coming up with utter bullshit to sell their phantom product was my favourite scene of the whole series so far. It was Gabrielle wedged into the corner being utterly excluded that made it gold. BEST SUB-TEAM EVER (/this series).

      Reply
  6. joistmonkey

    “I’ve just got to say, speaking as a mother, that if you have more than 0.025 trillion picamoles of salt and less than 4.58 billion nanograms of raw chilli per 100g*, we will all be shot by the Gestapo. Kids will just not eat it unless you smear it on their bathtime entertainment system and retention recepticle”.

    * – The worrying thing is that I actually spent ten minutes looking at nutritional guidelines online and refreshing my SI unit knowledge in order to get that right.

    Reply

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