It’s alright, it’s over, you can come out now.
Chico & Jodeyne Higgins Rice-Flanders: So I come into the final hoping that Chico would win, and then…he kind of acts like a spooky-ass sociopath and ruins it all and leave me despondant at yet another Dancing On Ice Final 3. I mean to almost drop poor Jodeyne on her face is bad enough (poor Jodeyne, she has suffered through so much…) but then to start reassuring everyone that it’s alright, you’re fine, and you will recover with the power of POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE rather than…you know, apologise, or at least acknowledge or whatever. Bit off. And then to bust out those “your mum’s friend at Zumba” leggings again so soon afterwards…unforgivable. On the other hand, I’m so glad that he was dancing to the Happy Days theme tune, because truly how hilarious a fuck-up is is at leasy 70% contingent on the soundtrack. And that song is so fundementally sunny that it made the whole mess that was their Showdance 100% funnier. “Sunday, Monday : Happy Days! Tuesday, Wednesday : Happy Days! Thursday, Friday : Happy Days! Saturday! What A Day! Try To Break Jodeyne’s Spine!”. And so it was that Chico finished third, and I regretted second-guessing myself that he could have faced any other outcome. One place better than on X Factor. MOVING ON UP BABY! POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE! ON TO A LEAD IN AMERICAN PSYCHO : THE MUSICAL! ON ICE!
Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers Arse: Nice of Jorgie to protest again the ridiculous removal of the flying routine by the showdances by…just doing one instead. Did she spend any of that routine with her skates on the ice? At all? Kudos to her for demanding that instead of wires she be hauled around by Matt Evers and THE RETURN OF SCHLONGCHAMBON! Who has apparently spent most of the off-season growing a beard. And frankly I’d probably have rather spent my time watching that than Jennifbore week after week. I think there definitely could be a market for Beard-Growing Not On Ice. Other than that, the clear stand-out part of her Showdance was the acting range at the begining wasn’t it? Who would have thought she could play such a ditzy air-head? And Jorgie as well! (LOL) I think she was sensible in choosing “Fallin'” for her reprise, because it was probably her best routine, but let’s face it, that was all pointless filler before the ultimate challenge of…THE BOLERO! Whatever that is. I think maybe it’s a type of pasta? Anyway, whatever it is, I’m sure Jorgie did it very well, after spending 5 minutes gasping and flopping like she just met a Kardashian.
Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova: First of all, Nina Ulanova is the most anonymous pro ever to have won one of these shows yes? I feel like they let her try and speak in Week 5 or so, realised their mistake, and never let her try again. Other than the AWFUL lipstick they put on her every single week, there’s not much more to her on-screen presence than that yes. Secondly, how nice of Dancing On Ice to replicate exactly the Strictly Come Dancing Final Three (1st : the hunk who was always going to win partnered with a kooky Russian, 2nd : the ditz with the gay best friend, 3rd : the overly-earnest 40something partnered with the long-suffering pro who never had a chance before) but with about 2% of the charm and the fun. I half-expected McFly to storm the stage and throw up or something. Thirdly, his showdance was quite good. Fourthly, his Bolero was quite good. Fifthly, I couldn’t pick his reprise dance out of a line-up, and I’ve now seen it twice. How nice of Dean to start choreographing memorable routines for him right at the very last second. Maybe start a bit earlier next series please, if that should be a thing that happens.
Katarina’s Boobs: I know my disdain for the concept of “the real winner here was actually…” but…come on. We all know it’s true.