Dancing On Ice 7 – Week 12

It’s alright, it’s over, you can come out now.

Chico & Jodeyne Higgins Rice-Flanders: So I come into the final hoping that Chico would win, and then…he kind of acts like a spooky-ass sociopath and ruins it all and leave me despondant at yet another Dancing On Ice Final 3. I mean to almost drop poor Jodeyne on her face is bad enough (poor Jodeyne, she has suffered through so much…) but then to start reassuring everyone that it’s alright, you’re fine, and you will recover with the power of POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE rather than…you know, apologise, or at least acknowledge or whatever. Bit off. And then to bust out those “your mum’s friend at Zumba” leggings again so soon afterwards…unforgivable. On the other hand, I’m so glad that he was dancing to the Happy Days theme tune, because truly how hilarious a fuck-up is is at leasy 70% contingent on the soundtrack. And that song is so fundementally sunny that it made the whole mess that was their Showdance 100% funnier. “Sunday, Monday : Happy Days! Tuesday, Wednesday : Happy Days! Thursday, Friday : Happy Days! Saturday! What A Day! Try To Break Jodeyne’s Spine!”. And so it was that Chico finished third, and I regretted second-guessing myself that he could have faced any other outcome. One place better than on X Factor. MOVING ON UP BABY! POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE! ON TO A LEAD IN AMERICAN PSYCHO : THE MUSICAL! ON ICE!

Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers Arse: Nice of Jorgie to protest again the ridiculous removal of the flying routine by the showdances by…just doing one instead. Did she spend any of that routine with her skates on the ice? At all? Kudos to her for demanding that instead of wires she be hauled around by Matt Evers and THE RETURN OF SCHLONGCHAMBON! Who has apparently spent most of the off-season growing a beard. And frankly I’d probably have rather spent my time watching that than Jennifbore week after week. I think there definitely could be a market for Beard-Growing Not On Ice. Other than that, the clear stand-out part of her Showdance was the acting range at the begining wasn’t it? Who would have thought she could play such a ditzy air-head? And Jorgie as well! (LOL) I think she was sensible in choosing “Fallin'” for her reprise, because it was probably her best routine, but let’s face it, that was all pointless filler before the ultimate challenge of…THE BOLERO! Whatever that is. I think maybe it’s a type of pasta? Anyway, whatever it is, I’m sure Jorgie did it very well, after spending 5 minutes gasping and flopping like she just met a Kardashian.

Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova: First of all, Nina Ulanova is the most anonymous pro ever to have won one of these shows yes? I feel like they let her try and speak in Week 5 or so, realised their mistake, and never let her try again. Other than the AWFUL lipstick they put on her every single week, there’s not much more to her on-screen presence than that yes. Secondly, how nice of Dancing On Ice to replicate exactly the Strictly Come Dancing Final Three (1st : the hunk who was always going to win partnered with a kooky Russian, 2nd : the ditz with the gay best friend, 3rd : the overly-earnest 40something partnered with the long-suffering pro who never had a chance before) but with about 2% of the charm and the fun. I half-expected McFly to storm the stage and throw up or something. Thirdly, his showdance was quite good. Fourthly, his Bolero was quite good. Fifthly, I couldn’t pick his reprise dance out of a line-up, and I’ve now seen it twice. How nice of Dean to start choreographing memorable routines for him right at the very last second. Maybe start a bit earlier next series please, if that should be a thing that happens.

Katarina’s Boobs: I know my disdain for the concept of “the real winner here was actually…” but…come on. We all know it’s true.


12 thoughts on “Dancing On Ice 7 – Week 12

  1. Llwynog

    After your blog, Katarina’s boobs seriously were the stars of the show. Kind of makes me wonder what would happen if she were ever to compete on SCD. Ola v Katarina in a hypnoboob-off for the ages. No … it would never happen. The chances of humanity surviving such a collision are much too slim.

    Now I’ve scared myself. Am off to grab a copy of ‘Protect and Survive’ and cover myself in white paint…

    1. monkseal Post author

      Lots of people cover themselves in white paint at the thought of Katarina’s boobs. One would imagine.

  2. Verns

    Thanks, Monkseal – your blog is just about the only thing keeping my interest in DOI alive. It is still a poor country cousin to Strictly, despite trying to replicate the final three. Good spot, by the way, although, technically, Pasha is nobody’s gay best friend, much though you might wish it were so. πŸ™‚

  3. durnovarian

    The SCD final had charm and fun? Which bit? Must have been in the bit when I fell asleep…. πŸ˜›

    (Though you’re spot on about how little of either this final had.)

    (Apart from Katarina’s chesticles, obviously.)

    1. monkseal Post author

      Are “Charm” and “Fun” your names for them? I mean, let’s not pretend we don’t all name Katarina’s boobs.

  4. pamminxy

    damn you monkseal
    now i am tempted to go see if i can find this online – you make it sound so deliciously awful

  5. Carl

    What a wonderful touch by the DOI choreographers to even bring in a taxi to literally recreate the Fame number. Next year, can we have a recreation of “Hot Lunch”? They should put this on DVD, I’m sure it would get more interest than the Fame remake. “Fame on Ice – We Still Have Gays!”

    When Jorgie was done I could have sworn I saw Barbara Windsor applauding her. I was also very sure I saw Benny from Crossroads, but apparently that’s her boyfriend.

    Her eye makeup looked like gangrene. She’s a beautiful lady but I wonder if that hair and makeup cost her any votes.

    Speaking of votes, apparently Matt led the voting almost every week, and usually by a large margin. I am really starting to wonder if Emmerdale and Corrie are just huge blocs impossible to overcome (unless you are against Roxanne Pallet, I guess). For some time I did enjoy Emmerdale, and Matt’s work as David (when he actually had a story), but the show has become Shameless meets Survivors and I’m surprised viewers have the will to make it through an episode without a suicide attempt, much less go and vote for DOI.

    I was very distracted by Nina’s purple lips. She looked like she had frostbite. Maybe that’s why she wasn’t speaking.

    The Matt/Nina showcase was fun, but he shouldn’t wear hats. For some reason I was also distracted by all the men they had milling around throughout the routine. I was unsure if this was going to end in some type of gangbang. I think the best part was the umbrellas at the end.

    I thought their bolero was great, although I know some people have said there has never been a connection between Matt and Nina.

    1. monkseal Post author

      It would be hard for Matt to connect with nothing, which is basically the role the show relegated Nina to. Although that is a perennial problem on this show.


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