RETURN OF THE REVENGE OF THE PENULTIMATE ULTIMATE SKILLS TEST OF SKATING SKILLS! 2!
Chico & Jodeyne Higgins-Rice-Flanders: OK, seriously, can people make up their minds as to whether they like Chico or not? Because after months now of yo-yoing into and out of the skate-off, he sails right into the final after probably the most tedious routine of the series so far (IT WAS TO THE FLOOD, PEOPLE! THE FLOOD! REMEMBER 2010, WHEN IT WAS PLAYED THREE TIMES ON EVERY EPISODE OF EVERY REALITY SHOW ON EVERY CHANNEL?! YOU SHOULD NOT BE VOTING TO BRING THOSE DAYS BACK) and a decent, if unspectacular Ultimate Skills Test? I am officially lost at this point, although maybe people are just jabbing at their vote-buttons (otherwise known as phones) at random at this point in some sort of punkish display of existential ennui. Or maybe people were genuinely inspired by the show’s summing up of his journey so far, which I can pretty much parse down to “Chico didn’t take his shirt off, then he did”. Maybe, in terms of the people Chico dedicates his routines to every week, the audience just care more about ALL THE MUMS than they do about ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN WITH CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME, which I guess is fair enough, as there are more of them. Maybe people were genuinely inspired with his ability to actually pull off the difficult lift he’d been tasked with (Jorgie and Matthew) although they really shouldn’t be, because back in his stripper days Chico used to perform the “Banana Lift And Spin” every Friday night. Whatever it is, Chico is now in the final, as are whatever frayed violin strings of Jodeyne’s sanity, and what’s even more bizarre is that it looks like he might actually convert his cast-iron third place finish into a second place one! Even MORE bizarre is that I’m kind of hoping he somehow manages to convert it into a first place finish, and I don’t even know why. TEAM CHICO FOR LIFE!
Jennifer Ellison & Daniel Whiston: Well that was kind of awkward wasn’t it? Both in my brief, fleeting, glimmering run of finding Jennifer Ellison somewhat watchable ending with a crash at three weeks and also in just how hard she took the fact that both routines that she did were a little bit uncertain and studded with mistakes. I mean that face she was pulling throughout the first set of comments was a picture. It looked like she was priming her tongue to launch out of her face like a cruise missile and blow up the judges table. And then the crying…my God the crying, and the “I Know I’ve Lost So Sod It, I’m Going To Give My Leavers Speech Halfway Through The Performance Show, Screw You All” of it all. Really she should be glad that she made it far enough to do a presentable but mediocre jig to Whitney Housten in the semi-finals, because quite frankly you could have interchanged her finishing position with Heidi Range’s and I would imagine only people who truly loved Daniel Whiston or early 00s Brookside would have noticed. At least she can console herself with that three week mini-renaissance fuelled by Bonnie Tyler, Toy Story and Leona Lewis, as all the best mini-renaissances are.
Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers: Credit where it’s due, Jorgie hurled herself through her entire routine this week like a woman posessed. Clearly here was a contestant who had tasted the bottom of the leaderboard and did not like it one little bit. Leaps, throws, spins, lifts, everything was done with maximum force and speed, such that she actually finished her ULTIMATE SILLS TEST about 30 seconds before she was supposed to. Maybe the producers should take a few hints from her with regards to economy of time management. Heck, maybe they should just go for broke and have her become the show-runner. They could have theme weeks like Fun Week, Pretty Week and YAY! PENGUINS! Week, and the theme tune could be played on a cazoo. Instead of judges they’d just line up all her soft-toys. Mr Pricklepants could be the Artistic judge and Forever Friends Bear could give scores on how nice the couples are and EVERYONE WOULD GET 10.0S YAY. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Jorgie this week, and her skating like a woman possessed and then ending up in the skate-off anyway, because now we all love Chico apparently. To be fair, I imagine a large part of it would probably have been down to that headbanger that…wasn’t. What’s the point of a headbanger if the head doesn’t actually bang? That was barely a head-bobber. And LOL at the idea of her being the first female celebrity to “land it” ever. As if “landing it” in the world of competitive skating involves your partner grabbing you by the stomach so you don’t go arse over tit. Still, I’m glad she made the final, because it means another week of Matt Evers. Matt Evers by the looks of it, might not quite be so keen on this…
Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova: I guess at least we know now why Brioche was so rigorous in keeping her hand out for her headbanger, because poor Nina got SLAMMED into the ice thigh first and all the judges could find to say was that it was a “tiny mistake”? Such respect the pros get on this show. She could be scooping bits of her cerebellum out of Karen’s hair and rest assured the judges would still score Matthew a solid 8.5 and tell him well done for a solid effort. I guess if they’d pointed out his attempted removal of Nina’s limb in any serious way they couldn’t then contrive to have him leapfrog Chico by 0.5 points at the last gasp in an even that was IN NO WAY THE MOST CONTRIVED PIECE OF REALITY TV JUDGING I’VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME. Well done on him for skating in a bunch of straight lines and crinkling up his face to “The Way You Make Me Feel”, which apparently what perfect skating is according to Katarina. I mean, it’s Katarina, so I have every aith that is in fact accurate, and I just have absolutely no artistic feel for ice-dance whatsoever. Which I think we all knew already from the fact that my favourite routine of the series is still GODESSA Charlene Tilton dressed as Flubber Smurf dancing to Lady Gaga, but it’s nice to have it confirmed.