If there’s no hat, it doesn’t count as Props Week I’M SORRY.
Chemmy Alcott & Sean Rice-Higgins-Flanders: And so it is that yet another one of my preferred finalists takes a dive, meaning that out of my CHOSEN THREE (Chico-Chemmy-Seb) (yeah, sorry, this is the point only one is left standing, and it’s Chico. If you’re looking for reasons why the ratings are down then I hardly think this can be a coincidence. Series 3 got the best ratings this show’s ever got, and the three I liked most were all in the final, juss sayin. Although it probably doesn’t speak well for Chemmy’s mental state that she was still clinging to the “maybe they just thought I was safe excuse” this far in. I mean…after this week she’d actually been in more skate-offs than she hadn’t, public vote wise. Still, Chemmy’s dedication to SPORTSMAN delusion was part of why I loved her so much, so go figure. Maybe she would have survived this week if they’d allowed Katarina to choreograph her in her natural circus role, that of the elephant. BUT NOT BECAUSE SHE IS FAT, NO, IT IS BECAUSE JUST OF HER SHAPE OH NO *booooooo* Instead she had to be a sassy/bitchy magicians assistant to poor Sean’s naff end-of-the-pier conjurer as…giant neon occult symbols flew around like a Klaxons video. SO CIRCUS! Still, Dean worked some nice subtle erotic subtext in there with Chemmy blowing on Sean’s floppy length of rope until it became hard, all with her knickers tucked into her labia. So classy. Hooray also for Kristina for mooting this show’s natural replacement “Yacht Sale On Ice”. So long as she’s around to play Mistress of Ceremonies, I’m quite happy to come along for that ride.
Chico & Jodeyne-Rice-Higgins-Flanders: I cannot believe this show had proper HUSBAND VS WIFE skate-off drama and they didn’t mention it once. To be fair I’m still a little aggrieved that they ignored the EPIC HAG VS FAG drama of Brooke vs Beaver Teeth. I guess that’s what you get the pros are mostly an after-thought. Anyway, Jodeyne knocked out her husband for the first time since she found out it was him who suggested that Chico act as Chesney Hawkes’ replacement in the first place (on which note, can you imagine how dull this final stretch would be if Chesney HADN’T crippled himself? Doesn’t bear thinking about really), but not before Chico skated through yet another routine designed to show off his physique. This time his fantasy-role in Dean’s inner life was a circus strongman, who wasn’t actually strong at all, because he needed A GIRL to do all the heavy lifting and strength work for him, putting him through his paces. Who would like to speculate what this reveals about the psychological depths of Dean’s relationship with Torvill/Karen/his mother/Katarina’s boobs? Not me. To be honest this was my favourite routine of the week, if only for the quality mime-work Chico was putting in with those weights. That was some Marcel Marceau quality stuff right there, and he didn’t even need to see Les Bubb to do it. Oh and also there was Lift Drama, but honestly, who even cares about that anyway? Could Jodeyne trust herself to let go of Chico without him dropping her? Could Chico trust Jodeyne to let go without trying to cause herself a spinal injury? Yes. Let’s move on.
Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers: Oh goodie, the Jorgie vs Matt drama RUMBLES on for another week, with the show recognising that anybody else exists only under sufferance. Anyway, last week Jorgie won by winning the Team Challenge and this week she lost because Louie looked at the routine and randomly decided he didn’t liiiiiiiiiiiiiike it, as he is wont to randomly do, usually to Chemmy. Oh and Robin totally meant to score her a 5.5, because that’s totally a thing Robin would do at this, or any, stage of the competition, except Christina looked at him funny or something, so he changed his mind THE WUSS. Or something. Sadly this drama takes away from the main fact, which is that Dean’s choreography reached levels of pretension not seen since that routine did to Mad World where he was Donnie Darko and lots of people in masks were Frank The Rabbit and Brioche was the giant jet engine crashing into his face and…I don’t know, Karen was the wormhole or something. Yes, Jorgie was dressed as a pretty gymnast and twirled a crappy bit of ribbon around to Video Games (sadly not this version, whilst not really giving a shit/projecting Lana Del Ray’s modernist ennui/lips. Really, the only thing that could have saved this routine is if, when Jorgie lobbed the ribbon, it had landed in the facial stigmata she left on Matt’s face two weeks ago and turned him INTO A SPARKLY UNICORN! Now THAT’S art. EVERYONE on the app would have given it a 10.0 then. Anyway, Louie called it boring, and Katarina pointed out that it was Dolly Dinkle 1.0 level choreography and then Karen pulled a boo-hoo face and Dean pitched a fit and Matt Evers looked perilously close to siding with Chris and Karen and YOU DON’T WANT TO BE ON THAT SIDE OF THIS DIVORCE MATT TRUST ME, BECAUSE KATARINA WILL ALWAYS WIN IN MY HEART, EVEN OVER YOUR SPECTACULAR ARSE.
Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova: In a way Matthew was lucky that Jorgie quite merrily took the limelight off him this week by flicking a ribbon around with all the joy of someone TP’ing their 17th house at Hallowe’en, because…this was kind of rubbish as well. I mean don’t get me wrong, it clearly excited Kristina at a basic, sexual level, and Nina as a Drag-King Victor/Victoria lion was beautiful, but that hoop work was dodgy and when the highlights of your prop-work is standing still and popping a balloon/not hitting yourself in the testicles you know something’s gone a bit wrong. As it is when you’re almost getting perfect scores for executing a routine in a manner that would make Chris Fountain/Ray Quinn/Sam Attwater/heck even Gary Lucy apologise for weeks and promise to do better. Really pacing towards an exciting finale aren’t we?
Jennifer Ellison & Daniel Whiston: Oh, sure, NOW she gets the pimp slot. And the cute child roll-out (who I notice, stared right down the camera and found his light like a complete pro). And the most crowd-pleasing routine (admittedly more for the Toy Story angle than the clowns bit. Lots of people hate clowns. I mean, if they’d done this routine for Movies Week (and let’s face it, they could have, it was mostly her sat on her arse being tugged around) with her dressed as Jessie and him dressed as Woody, they might as well have cancelled the series there and then. As it is, it’s bought her enough time to skate on… oh shit, directly into a date with the ULTIMATE SKATING SKILLS TEST next week. Obviously the one they did that got rid of Heidi and Sebastien was only the PENULTIMATE SKATING SKILLS TEST. On the other hand, on the one week so far that they’ve let her skate she was actually quite good at it, so who knows, she might get that automatic place in the finals they’ve promised to the winner (LOL). And whatever steps it involved, I don’t remember the ULTIMATE/PENULTIMATE SKATING SKILLS TEST including any manoeuvres that could accidentally slice his genitals off. Although given that Daniel Whiston’s genitals apparently live in his stomach…