There’s no “I” in “team”, but there is a “why?!” in Whyment.
Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers’ Arse: I love that with every week that passes we learn just a little bit more about the ridiculous world inside Christopher Dean’s head. This week for instance we learnt that his perspective on “urban sassy choreography” is to repeatedly lick your thumb and rub it down the cleft of your cleavage. Oh and booty-popping. Always with the booty-popping. Sadly, mostly from Jorgie, as this week they were doing a routine to “Crazy In Love”, and thanks to the GENDER-NORMATIVE folks at ITV, she was Beyonce instead of Matt. BOO! In many ways this week was a taunt to all the Jorgie-hatahs. They finally gave her an early performance slot, and they taunted the far more powerful curse of Shoddy Wig-Work as they provided her with a weave that looked like someone had wormed a dog directly onto her scalp. SO URBAN! Worst of all they gave her a managerial role. Jorgie. A girl who (per Gubba, as sleeztacular as ever) buys clothes meant for 12 year olds and generally acts like a police-woman undercover as a honey trap for sleazebags trawling for jailbait. And yet she nailed it, guiding the women’s team expertly to win. Sure, cynics amongst you may argue it’s because the men’s team were forced to skate to YMCA, but it’s clearly because of her innate tactical brain, and also possibly a bit about that talking-to Matt gave her where he acted like her teacher/well-meaning social worker. Together, it’s only up from here. Possibly to the Chelsea manager’s job. Let’s face it, it’s worth a go (*lights candle at shrine to Andre Villas-Boas’ sensual uptight ginger face)
Andy Whyment & Vicky Ogden: I’m not one to regularly talk about someone being “thrown under the bus” because it’s almost always paranoid nonsense, but this week I have to give a massive shout-out to the Dancing On Ice producers for sending a whole Routemaster fleet directly over Andy Whyment. First, lots of circular whining about how he only spoke back to the judges last week because he cares SO MUCH about the show and doing his best, when we all know the way to the ITV audience’s heart would probably be to call Katarina a Kraut and start humming the theme tune to “Dad’s Army”. Then the worst possible performance position, early on, and directly after probably the most successfully expressive skater all “DO YOU SEE?”. Then choreographing a routine to Elvis Presley, dressing him up in an outsize Elvis fancy-dress playsuit and telling him to “go over the top” (Dean saying that last week’s choreography was “subtle” was a highlight of my week, I don’t know about you). Then send him off to a kids mime to learn how to act (oof!) Then giving him his precious 20.0 that he wanted, grudgingly, leaving him approximately nowhere to go. Then top it all off with the nonsense of the Team Skate, to YMCA (did I mention that yet?) wedging him at the root of the table behind obvious medallist Matthew and Bottom-Two-Bouncer Chico. I can’t help but think that this particular bussing was a tad over the top but…hey, whatever works.
Chico & Jodeyne Higgins-Rice-Flanders: They’re just torturing poor Jodeyne at this point aren’t they? Who wants to be that close to a shirtless Chico and…those leggings. Those leggings that were frankly on the verge of disappearing up his arse. Dancing around to “Sexy And I Know It”. She seems like a good Christian woman who’d really rather not be skating the hoochy-coochy with a Moroccan ex-stripper. No wonder she tried to piledrive herself into a coma, and then yelled at Chico to do it again when it didn’t quite take. I hesitate to think what sort of damage she’ll try to do to herself in Props Week. I’m sure she’s begging Dean to haul out Chris Fountain’s Memorial Table again so she can knee-slide herself into a permanent vegetative state with dreams of Chesney Hawkes (or of course, the most deadly prop of all, THE DREADED HAT!). I think we all know that if this turn of events actually came to be, Jayne would be right out there on the ice to sub herself in, tearing off seven layers of clothing on the way. She just wants to Bolero with someone, with somebody who loves her.
Shimmy Shakey Chemmy & Sean Rice-Higgins-Flanders: Let’s be very, very clear about one thing right off the bat. Chemmy spending an entire week whining at Sean via VT (yes, the WHOLE week, yes she did, definitely) and then stopping her otherwise half-decent routine stone dead, so she could whirl stupidly in the air like a coat-hanger Superman for 3 seconds, was about proving to herself that she’d improved, and definitely, DEFINITELY, nothing to do with sticking one on Katarina for calling her fat. DEFINITELY. I guess it was also about serving up a nice soft lob for an end-run Villain Edit after priming Andy to drop the baton he picked up from Corey, who picked it from Big Moo. I mean, I’m not sure how Chemmy’s really going to go as an End-Game baddy but…whatever lets them crawl over the Finish Line of the series feeling vaguely satisfied with themselves I guess. Anyway, now Sean and Chemmy hate one another or something. I dunno, it was something to do with his fingers, or possibly over having to skate to Emilie Sande (most “what the fudge are they skating to?”s in my twitter-feed at one time EVER, fact-fans.). All this caused Chemmy to do a near full leader-board PLUNGE from second place to the skate-off, the likes of which haven’t been seen on a reality show since the heady Ball/Bunton days. I can’t see her getting past next week at this rate, but you never can tell with this show. Well…you can, but let’s pretend you can’t, because there’s only three more weeks of this crap left.
Jennifer Ellison & Daniel Whiston: It took Jennifer Ellison skating to Leona Lewis to make it click in my brain that she’s a perfect example of the Leona Lewis Corollary itself. That being the one where Simon Cowell took the naturally incredibly talented and incredibly boring Leona Lewis, and shot her to international fame by making her sing songs about running at the speed of light, then collapsing to her knees screaming “SO WHAT IF IT HURTS ME?” as blood spurts in red-hot jets out of her eye-sockets. So it is with Jennifer, who was frankly a non-entity for the first two-thirds of the competition, but now, skating to ridiculously over the top MOR Soft-Rock Ballads is oddly…endearing? I mean, admittedly she’s also got a lot better at the skating as well, in that she’s actually doing some, but there’s no denying that most of her improved standing is because she’s whirling around pulling distraught faces to booming gay-song. And then she speaks when it’s all over, and cries a lot at how amazing she is, which kind of ruins it a bit, but hey ho, ONWARDS AND UPWARDS TO FOURTH PLACE, CONFIDENT JENNIFER.
Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova: I think it’s for the best that I stop pretending I have much of anything to say about Matthew other than that they’re clearly going to push for him to do the Headbanger soon, and I only hope it’s as epic as when Brioche REPEATEDLY denied Sam Attwater, but I’m sure it’ll be as blandly competent as everything else he does. Maybe they can pull out an exciting novel prop for him next week, or they can do something with Nina’s personality other than “SHE’S RUSSIAN!”. I can only live in hope.