American Idol 2012 – Top 13 Boys

I was hoping for Cowboy Douche…

Reed Grimm: So…he’s not so much a nanny as a guy who babysits for his sister? I feel so lied to. Next you’ll be telling me that these people are model/actresses rather than really being INTO barrista’ing as a career choice. Anyway, on stage this week Reed really committed to demonstrating that he had the “Moves Like Jagger” by…waggling his dick around like he was fishing with it, hitting some drums at random and futzing his mic-pack all over the floor. I have no idea if he was being ironic or he was legitimately raised in a bubble but it’s no surprise that whatever it was it was far too much Reed Grimmness for America to handle. I guess I’ll miss him, if only because I’d love to have seen how he’d have responded to the even moderate degree of structure prvoided by Theme Weeks. NOT WELL, I’m guessing. SCORE : 3/10

(I know the lyrics to this song are kind of gross at the best of times, but he really did manage to find new levels of skeeze in them. SCORE: 3/10)

Adam Brock: I feel these at-home-with videos really don’t suit everybody. All I got from Adam’s was that he has a really nice house, but lives an incredibly boring life. “This are me. This are my house. I done a shopping.” The most interesting thing about his intro was his slightly disturbing claim that there is a large black woman inside him trying to emerge. Frankly, if it’s not Latrice Royale, he can just go home now. Although to be honest, judging from his performance of ‘Think’, the only thing trapped inside him is another large white man with delusions of soul. It was oddly lifeless for such an energetic song. SCORE: 4/10

(It depresses me that any human being alive after 1962 could be so proud of “White Chocolate” as a nickname SCORE: 3/10)

Deandre Brackensick: Deandre’s at-home video, on the other hand, was super-cute. His parents seem nice, and his sister was really fun. I actually found myself wishing it wasn’t too late for her to audition as well. I had high hopes for his performance of ‘Reasons’, but for someone with such an impressive range and a credible falsetto, he did a really poor job of making himself heard – it was all rather underpowered, mumbly and incredibly off-pitch. A real disappointment – he is incredibly lucky there’s a wildcard round. SCORE: 3/10

(Basically 90 solid seconds of what happens when people forget the words during Hollywood Week. SCORE : 2/10)

Colton Dixon: For a returnee Colton Dixon is clearly not versed in American Idol lore. Seriously, doing it with your sister is not a unique opportunity in American Idol (NO, NOT LIKE THAT, I KNOW THIS SHOW SKEWS SOUTHERN BUT EW). Sanjaya did it. And who could forget Sanjaya? No matter how hard they try? Anyway, Colton’s inherent grating nature was still on display (I JUST WANT TO PLAY MY MUSIC IN MY MASSIVE HOUSE CAUSE I AM 4 REYULL ; singing Paramore ; singing the Paramore song from the Twiglet movie ; jumping on the piano ; giving haircare tips) but as he game the first even halfway coherent performance of the night I’mma bout to over-rate the hell out of this. SCORE : 6/10

(All I wanted from his at-home video was footage of Schylar singing “FUCK YOU, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!” I feel so cheated. SCORE: 6/10)

Jeremy Rosado: Aw, I’d forgotten that he was the guy who worked in the Infectious Disease clinic. I can imagine that makes it rather hard to get a date. Still, it was a cute video – his coworkers seem nice, and he came across as kind of sweet. He sang ‘Gravity’ by Sara Bareilles, and it was…okay. It’s hard to think of much else to say about it. It was a little undersupported on the lower notes, and the transitions into head voice need a bit of work, but overall it wasn’t terrible. It was one of the better performances of the night up to this point, but that’s not really saying much, and it wasn’t really enough to stand out from the crowd. I’m baffled – BAFFLED – that he got through in the wildcard round after that hot mess, too. BAFFLED. SCORE: 5/10

(I think this benefitted from being simultaneously sweetly sincere and also an amazingly calculated assault directly on Jennifer Lopez’s ovaries. SCORE : 7/10)

Aaron Marcellus: Every year some boring guy who hasn’t got much screen-time up to this point comes out and sings some done-to-death Idol song competently, but boringly, and it’s not enough to triumph over the lack of screentime they’ve had thus far and this year that was Aaron Marcellus. Erm…him running for the bus was cute? SCORE : 4/10

(I agree. He should do a YouTube series in which he runs for the bus in a variety of different hilarious scenarios. SCORE: 5/10)

Chase Likens: I get the impression that Chase, bless him, is a bit of a dull person in real life. He didn’t seem to have many exciting stories for his video – considering he included talking about how much he enjoys whistling, you do have to wonder what got left on the cutting room floor. He was a tricky one – a good, wholesome, pretty country boy, which should all be good signs on this show, but he also read super-gay, which is not exactly going to endear him to most of the people who’d be voting for that. It didn’t help that ‘Storm Warning’ contains the line “what a beautiful mess”, because I kept thinking he was going to sing “what a beautiful man”. He didn’t have a lot of presence up there, and was a little bit flat in places, but…I still enjoyed it? I have a soft spot for country in the right hands, I guess. He’s still toast, though. Flaming toast, at that. SCORE: 6/10

(Most adorable fodder ever yes? “I LOVE TO WHISTLE!” *does gay dance* SCORE : 5/10)

Creighton Fraker: Ooh, the hipster alert is ringing off the hook with this one. Anyone whose VT is just them basically screaming “I AM ZANY AND UNCONVENTIONAL!” at you over and over again is always going to grate pretty quickly, and he really did. He also lost about a million points with me for wearing his tie inside his shirt, because what the fuck. It seemed odd to me that after all that talk about what a SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE he was, he’d plump for such a thoroughly conventional and overdone track as ‘True Colours’, but maybe all hipsters are secretly big saps at heart. It was a decent enough vocal – a little scratchy at times and kind of off in the second half, but one of the better performances of the night. SCORE: 6/10

(It’s great for Creighton Fraker that American Idol was such an effective platform to come out on but…I just needed MORE. SCORE : 4/10)

Phillip Phillips: In two whole night of “from-home” videos that seemed to mostly show priveleged children with massive houses, picking at their harps in their Music Rooms, it was left to Phillip Phillips (and…I guess Skylar Laine, a bit?) to represent for America’s dirt poor. Phillip Phillips is REAL. Really really real. He’s the sort of genuine guy who just happens to film himself naked in bed to air on national tv because he JUST WOKE UP Y’ALL. Of course I still like him, because I’m like that, but every passing reference to Dave Matthews is chipping away at that, piece by piece. This performance was…fine vocally but the re-arrangement recalled some sort of icky 90s Millennium knock-off American cop show. It felt like it should have been played over someone finding a hooker-corpse. I can’t believe I’m saying “don’t mess with the Phil Collins original” but…there we are. SCORE : 5/10

(I would say this was the most egregious example of someone not understanding why the original version of a song worked so well, but…then Brielle Von Hugel happened. SCORE: 3/10)

Eben Franckewitz: Well, something went very wrong with ITV2’s editing of the intro to his performance, didn’t it? And sadly it was all downhill from there. He seemed to be thinking that he was filming a dating video with all the talk about how he was really funny and outgoing, and frankly the less said about the “SWAG” t-shirt the better. He took on Adele’s ‘Set Fire To The Rain’, and while I am no Adele fan, as a general rule sometimes I find her songs perfectly tolerable when they’re sung by other people. Not in this case, though, because Eben was just not up to the task. At one point I wondered if he had the lyrics written on the floor, since he was spending that much time staring at his feet. On top of that, he was just really flat for most of it. Even the Bieber-vote couldn’t get him through after that. SCORE: 2/10

(Not so much “I Set Fire To The Rain” as “I Peed On Your Bonfire”. SCORE : 2/10)

Heejun Han: Heejun made his mother do a dance. Everything else about this segment was irrelevant. (Fortunately, because this was…not great, and his song-choices are spiralling ever further away from his personality and his skill-set.) SCORE : 4/10

(Nice vocal control, shame about the song choice. SCORE: 7/10)

Joshua Ledet: So Joshua Ledet definitely wins the “Biggest Kitchen” competition right? I think you could fit my entire flat in there. Interior decoration issues aside, I feel myself at the beginning of a very precipitous path with Joshua. I’m pretty much in exactly the same place with him as I was with Jacob Lusk at this point last year (ZOMG, SAME INITIALS AS WELL, HOW SPOOKY). They’re both churchy singers who excel within their style, both blitzed their way through this round, and both of them show signs with them of personality and control…issues, as well as a total lack of commercial potential. And then…Jacob Lusk indulged all those base instincts, and ladelled some more on top. But I have faith in Joshua. He’s going to be different. I just know it. *hugs faith to self* SCORE : 9/10

(Oh Chris. You’re such a glutton for punishment. SCORE: 6/10)

Jermaine Jones: So in the end it turned out that Jermaine Jones got the non Wild-Card Wild Card and stomped out at the end of the Performance Show, chasing after Ryan down the beanstalk for stealing his magical goose. Or something. This meant that, tragically, we didn’t get to see Jermaine’s home-life. Tragically, because…can you imagine? Him and his mother jumping up and down screaming, causing earthquakes, and planes to fall from the sky, and local reservoirs to shake like that glass of water in Jurassic Park. Also it meant more time for another over-wrought derpy performance of “Dance With My Father”, which I honestly could have done without. SCORE : 3/10

(Apparently he got called back so last-minute that he didn’t have time to pick a decent stage outfit. Or a decent song. SCORE: 5/10)

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3 thoughts on “American Idol 2012 – Top 13 Boys

  1. Ferny

    The biggest thing I took from this program was that I really want to live in one of those huge houses in America, where most of the contestants seem to live. I am actually jealous.
    Shannon (?) in particular had a massive house, although she’s the only one grating on me so far for being oh-so-beauty queen/queen cheerleader. The way she starting crying, then when prompted by Ryan, turned full-on to the audience and gave a teary speech. Bleugh.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought Deandre sounded awful drifting constantly between falsetto and ‘normal.’ Then the judges went crazy for it. Huh?

    I wish Creighton got through, I like him despite the hipster overload.

    Reply
  2. Tim

    I’m liking Phillip Phillips, although I suspect his signature style may start to grate after a while.

    Deandre was awful – he has some lovely stuff in his lower register, but he seems to want to go straight to the falsetto. It’s a bit like having the big fight scene/car chase/tearful reunion at the start of a film rather than the end.

    Biggest surprises for me: Colton was much better than I expected, and Adam was a huge disappointment.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think Adam was expecting “I SING LIKE A BLACK WOMAN!” to earn him more points than it did. Like…any.

      Reply

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