Nothing says “ROCK!” quite like an X-Factor winner giving Gloria Swanson eyes whilst wearing Faye Dunaway’s hair as Justin Lee Collins bellows away like someone just trod on his wurzels. And that was just the entrée.
Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova: I notice this week those pleather trousers came out again and there wasn’t the attendant screaming, groin-grabbing and “ZOMG HE’S SO FITTTTTTTTT”. Well not so much anyway. Which means either that everyone’s numb to his charms by this point ; culturally we’ve realised that pleather is disgusting regardless of the context ; Rock Week was such an explosion of pleather, leather, leatherette, and leather effect man-made plastics that it had the effect of hiding a pebble on the beach or, most unlikely of all ; that everyone now respects Matthew Wolfenden as an ice-skater enough that perving now feels awkward. But then again, I respect Katarina Witt more than I respect any other human being alive, and I must admit to not hearing one word that came out of her mouth this week, so entranced was I by her tits, so it really can’t be that. Whatever the explanation, pleather came to Matthew’s aid for his performance of Rock Week’s obligatory Queen number – in this case “Don’t Stop Me Now”. Sadly it did not feature a tiny dinky little bucket of glitter-tape, so it was beneath my notice. I did love his little rink-rail smacking flounce in training over messing up…I dunno, some lift or something? It’s usually a lift isn’t it? In other Matthew related news, Nina furthered her reputation for…being Russian with a speech in Russian, and also Louis “admitted” that Matthew was “one of” his favourites. Jennifer presumably having elevated herself to a higher plane BEYOND favouritism to a plane where whole new words need to be invented.
Chemmy Allcott & Sean Rice-Flanders: I think at this point Chemmy is even more stuck in the number two slot than the show is as a whole at this point, AM I RITE? It’s odd, because I certainly don’t think they wanted rid of her this week but…they’re not doing her any favours with the constant crappy performance positions, or the fact she got Rock Week’s obligatory “Not At All A Rock Song” jukebox selection. I mean…Kelly Clarkson? And not even “Behind These Hazel Eyes” Kelly Clarkson. Maybe they thought it’d make her stand out. Anyway, in order to prepare to dance to a pop song, Chemmy went to a Rock Ball, but it’s alright, because it turned out that Rock was being represented at this event by Comedy Dave Vitty & His Status Quos so…it probably got her into a pop state of mind more than a rock one. Of course actually practicing skating might have helped, but then it turned out she didn’t really have to do much technical skating (although obviously, as usual, she was the only female skater to let go of her partner’s hand for more than about 5 seconds at a time) as she boot-scooted around in a circle for 90 seconds doing vague Affirmation Arms like a Weight Watchers advert. Still, this was a routine with a message, as Chemmy told us all that she really identified with the lyrics of the song, as she had almost crippled herself whilst skiing, and it had not killed her and had in fact conversely made her stronger. Then Phillip tried to make it also about her having been in the skate-off on Dancing On Ice. OH PHILLIP.
Jennifer Ellison & Daniel Whiston: OK, first Vogue, and now this. Once I can take someone not rising to the Gay Challenge but twice in one series? No. Can you imagine what Beaver Teeth would have made of a melodramatic skate to a Jim Steinman rock-ballad. And not just ANY Jim Steinman rock-ballad, but TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART! It would have been a defining moment in LGBT history. Instead Daniel Whiston shuffled around looking vaguely embarrassed as Jennifer Ellison gave it the full whack, with tortured faces, tortured arms and…well her legs are usually tortured, so it’s hard to praise her for it, but hey, I didn’t fall asleep in the middle of a JennifBORE EllisNOOZE performance, so it had to have had something extra going for it somewhere. To be fair…probably just the song, but still. But the performance didn’t stop with the…performance, as Jennifer went full-bore mental, shaking and grinning and crying and gushing and dribbling a little out of the corner of her mouth a little as she got great marks (for her). I’m torn between finding it quite sweet to see some so excited at having finally fulfilled their potential and finding it a little…off-putting that she was quite so pleased with what she did, especially as she still didn’t really let go of daddy’s hand at any point.
Andy Whyment & Vicky Ogden: It’s probably salutary at this point to remind ourself that this was the first time that Andy Whyment was bottom of the judges leaderboard. Just to get his now-constant whinnying about how they’re all against him (ESPECIALLY KRISTINA, PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE’S GERMAN OR SOMETHING) and just can’t appreciate his unique brand of soulfulness. And yet does Vicky complain that no-one recognises that skated around in DENIM BOOTY-SHORTS doing Dean’s literal choreography (Look (*looks with eyes*) inside the eye (*looks with eyes again*) of your mind (*point to brain*))? No she does not. Such a trooper. She hasn’t even got the patented Flavia Cacace “squint n twitch” that she developed with Craig Kelly. Now that’s a professional. She might as well steel herself, because I can almost guarantee they’re stuck here until the judges cave and give him 20 and finish his storyline. And also probably a bit longer than that. But hopefully , PLEASE GOD, not until the final. Please?
SAMANDMARK & Alexandra Schauman: Oh good, the frog lift. Again. I am at least glad that he didn’t spend quite so much of this week talking about his penis being chopped off, and obviously the temptation was there, what with his girlfriend being sat in the audience. But yes, SAMANDMARK was tasked with doing the frog lift again because…well let’s be honest, the only real drama they’ve got this year is Injury Porn, so why not force someone to do a move that will shred their thighs to buggery for no real net artistic gain just so he can shove his great big bruises right down the camera-lens? Still, at least it gave rise to the single greatest moment of the episode, SAMANDMARK telling a skating move that it could kiss his arse. MARKANDSAM must be so jealous. Admittedly from a distance as, now that his stint as a competitor is over, his Special Guest seats have been retreating back towards the nose-bleed section. It’s probably for the best that SAMANDMARK’s run on the show ended here, otherwise we would have seen him watching next week from behind a toilet door. I think that if there had been a live band to sing “Are we human, or are we SKATER?!” it might have saved him but…such is life. I’ll miss him, in that he is not Andy or Jennifer, which is the best I can say about any human being living at this moment.
Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers: So really it was all about Jorgie stabbing Matt in the face this week wasn’t it? I mean, we can pretend it was about the skating and the ridiculous gothiness and the grandeur of it all, or even about her performance positions or the dry ice covering her feet if you want, but someone got stabbed in the face, you know? Apparently it led to Gubba calling her “Jorgie Voldermort” because she left a permanent scar etched into Matt’s very being. In which case, why not call her Jorgie Chip-Pan Fire, Jorgie Shark-Attack or Jorgie Dancing On Ice 2012? Anyway, in a bizarre way it really fit with their vampire themed routine, both in terms of the copious amounts of blood gushing everywhere, and also in the fact that the stitching job they did kind of pulled Matt’s face into that of a Buffy vampire. Between balls, scalps and now actual faces, it’s hard to see where the show goes from here in terms of mutilation for public entertainment. Maybe someone can accidentally lop a boob off or something?
Chico & Jodeyne Higgins-Flanders: Who would have thought that Rock Week would have been fundamentally incompatible with Chico? I really thought that the grungy tarnished-glam of Billy Idol would be a perfect natural fit for Chico’s demented Life-Coach speechifying about Positive Mental Attitude and doing it for all those kids out there with muscular distrophy. Personally I blame the wig. It wasn’t quite the hideous shuddering mess (in both cases) that caused the Charlene vs Sam skate-off, but sporting a do that was last seen on a cancer-survivor middle-aged woman in an Australian daytime soap from 1991, and not even a famous one, like, Blue Heelers or some shit, must at least have been partially responsible for his brush with the skate-off. That and skating to Mony Mony, which surely brings back the same awful Steve Backley flashbacks in the rest of the population that it does in me? I do hope that Chico can recover at this point and get back on course for his 3rd place finish because…the realistic alternatives (ie not Chemmy) are just too horrifying to bear at this point. COME ON CHICO! DO IT FOR ALL THE LITTLE KIDDIES WITH MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS!