8 people who made a splash during the calm before the Group Night storm…
David Leathers: Poor Shannon Magrane. First Steven Tyler told her dad that he thought was humid (and let’s face it, just “happening” would have been bad enough) and now the show tries to set her up in an implied showmance with this 17-year-old-but-would-pass-for-17-months wannabe player? How undignified. Anyway, this show’s latest ham-fisted attempt at a power-couple (they’re no “Cake”, let’s face it) both sailed through the first bit of Hollywood Week, that being the part of Hollywood Week where the producers realised they’d given the entire population of three states a Golden Ticket and had to cut some of them STAT. It’s no “Group Night”, but for an episode’s worth of material, it’ll do.
Heejun Han: Heejun Han hates himself America, which is why you should love him, because he REPRESENTS REAL AZHUNS EVERYWHERE or something. I think that was the message of his Hollywood Week segment. Everyone else is so pretty and talented and he’s just poor little Heejun Han who doesn’t even know how amazing he is, singing his Michael Bolton songs into his hairbrush every night. Or something. I mean seriously, if he hadn’t immediately collided with That Cowboy in the show’s greatest hatemance since Alex Lambert and Nurse Mary (remember them? No, me neither) then I would be so over him, but as it stands, the stars alligned and I now love him.
Jane Carrey : I’m so glad that, in her hour of need, Jane Carrey was able to turn to the one person in the world who knew how she was feeling and who could appropriately commiserate. That’s right, Jim Carrey. You know, Jim Carrey who was also cut at Hollywood Week on American Idol. At some point. I think it was around about when he did Simon Birch. NB : Please remember that Jane Carrey, daughter of Jim Carrey, is very much a person in her own right, apart from her father Jim Carrey, and that it is very difficult for her to persuade people that her successes are due to her talent in her own right, and nothing at all to do with her father Jim Carrey.
Jeremy Risotto: Or whatever his name was. Really I’m just including him to dicuss how, even at this supposed MEGACULL stage, there’s plenty of people going through who wouldn’t even get past a Producer Audition on X Factor. AUSTRALIAN X Factor. This one could easily have been passed off as a comedy audition if they’d cut the footage correctly. Still, he was passed through to the next round mostly because of the NUCLEAR-STRENGTH bum-licking he was doing to J-Lo. Some things remain consistant. With a little spit and polish and finding the one song that he can sing, he could be the new Stefano!
Lauren Mink: Much as it angered me to see Bellowing Beverley in the fourth series of The X Factor honking on about how her job teaching small children was like SO TOTALLY LAME and she definitely wanted to chuck it in and spend the rest of her life doing PAs in cheap nightclubs that stink of body odour, I similarly took against Lauren Mink. Sure, her pre-performance VT tried to dress it up a little more flatteringly, but essentially her story was “sure, I have a very worthwhile job working with adults with learning difficulties, but that’s not going to get me a spread in Us Weekly, is it?” As if that weren’t enough of a crime, she decided to take on ‘Alone’ by Heart while being entirely unequal to the task. J-Lo mumbled that she’d noticed Lauren changing key, but I think she was flattering Lauren to imply that she was even in a key to begin with. A few crashing bum-notes later, and it’s back to that horrible, soul-crushing, very important job with her.
Phillip Phillips: Now going by the slightly less daft-sounding “Phil Phillips” according to Seacrest (although apparently no one told the caption writers), PhiPhi was giving us the full Pickler in his VT, all “GRAINDPAW! I AIN’T NEVUH BIN IN NO AYER-PLAYN!”, but I think he had at least some level of awareness of how pandering the whole thing was so I’m inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that both Chris and I find him moderately attractive. I didn’t find his voice that attractive, though, as he snarled his way through ‘Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag’, so let’s hope he sorts that out soon if we want to continue to be slightly transfixed by his face with impunity.
Symone Black: I could talk a lot about how Symone has a pushy dad, or the fact that she is 16, or the fact that her performance of ‘Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay’ was quite nice, or that I found myself really quite taken with the tone of her voice, but let’s face it, in much the same way that The Amazing Race’s Claire will always be “that woman who got hit in the face with the watermelon” no matter what else she does in her life, Symone will go down in history as the girl who fainted on Idol and fell off the stage and whacked her head. Being the classy show that Idol is, it used this as a cliffhanger to ensure we tuned in the following day to find out whether Symone LIVES OR DIES (spoilers: she doesn’t die), but I can just about forgive that for the fact that it afforded me the joy of hearing Nigel Lythgoe screaming “MEDIC!” from off-camera. Just like when Fabia Cerra fell off the stage during Shoogaboogacandance UK’s audition process. Seriously, they need some sort of guide rail on that thing.
Travis Orlando: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell…
Travis’s mum’s a bitch
She’s a big fat bitch
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She’s a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch
She’s a bitch to all the boys and girls
On Monday she’s a bitch, on Tuesday she’s a bitch
On Wednesday to Saturday, she’s a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different, Travis auditions for American Idol and actually isn’t very good and doesn’t make it any further than Hollywood for at least the second year in a row and he ends up sat in the holding room crying that he LOST and has NOTHING TO GO BACK TO and he USED THIS STUPID SOB STORY AND DIDN’T EVEN MAKE THE LIVE SHOWS, so that’s just another way in which his FUCKING BITCH OF A MOTHER LET HIM DOWN AGAIN. Poor Travis.