American Idol 2012 – St. Louis Auditions

6 notable auditionees from the Mound City (*filth*)

David Coleman: The Artist has a lot to answer for doesn’t it? At least it didn’t have that bloody dog in it…

Ethan Jones: Dammit, so VERY close to being called Nathan Jones, which is both the name of a Bananarama song and the name of my friend’s husband. That would have ruled. Anyway, Ethan Jones was one of tonight’s two “slightly more attached to his father than an adult should probably be” contestants (the other being Johnny Keyser, who was notable mainly for being one of those white guys who doesn’t seem to see the problem with singing ‘A Change Is Gonna Come’ and also for having a slight Shannen Doherty thing going on with his eyes), who also distinguished himself by having a small cut on his forehead that he’d got from rubbing his face when waiting to audition. He also got a pep talk from Steven Tyler before he went in, which is quite something. Anyway, he had a nice voice with a sort of raspy undertone to it, but I feel his general air of earnestness might ultimately kill us all. Also, they were SERIOUSLY overdoing the dad thing by the end.

Lauren Grey: I went to school with a girl called Lauren Grey. I think we got on tolerably well from what I recall. That’s mostly why I chose this girl to write about. That and the fact that, after a whole 7 episodes of auditions she’s the first person I’ve seen who had a voice that I actually found interesting. Hopefully at some point before her elimination she actually uses it to sing a song, rather than just ramming it into some syllables from an Adele song like Prince Eric driving that giant ship into Ursula’s boobs at the end of The Little Mermaid. Still, the greatest American reality show contestant to run a bridal shop since Sandy from The Apprentice USA Series 2 right? (*such a competitive field*)

Mark Ingram: Jesus Christ, does anybody else want to have a go, now that we’re apparently roping in hotel staff from the place they’re holding auditions to embarrass themselves before the nation? (And other nations) The valet? Ryan’s make-up girl(s)? Just random vagrants off the street? I’m so glad that auditions are over before I somehow found myself stood in front of Randy, Steve, and Jennifer somehow. That and other reasons obviously.

Rachelle Lamb: Okay, Rachelle Lamb, we get that you got married, and that your no-good husband STOLE YOUR DREAMS (rumours that she was in fact married to Drowzee are as yet unconfirmed) before running off and leaving you, and fair enough you want to make a thing out of that on American Idol. I get that, I do. But did you really have to drag your adorable daughter into it? Because I for one felt quite uncomfortable watching you sing a song about how MARRIAGE IS SHIT AND ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS and forcing her to partake in it. That’s an awful lot to lay on some young shoulders. Still, I guess that’s her decision. Voice was nice enough, but I kind of feel like her narrative’s already spent.

Reis Kloeckener: First of all, I feel like everything about that name is designed at making sure no one commenting about this show on the internet would be able to spell it. Anyway, Reis is basically a live-action Glee character (because everyone on Glee is an animation, as we know) because he was picked on in school, presumably for being so goshdarned wholesome, and was all ostracised until he was singing in the corridor and a teacher suggested he join the choir (so we know the teacher wasn’t Will Schuester because Schuester would’ve waited until he was having a wank in the shower to spring that bit of advice on him) and then he suddenly found ACCEPTANCE and PURPOSE and all those things. And he seems like a nice enough kid with a decent enough voice, but all the way through I was thinking how much more fun I would be having if he’d been Rachel Berry instead.


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