American Idol 2012 – Portland Auditions

6 notable auditionees from “The Rose City”/”Hipster City USA”

Ben Harrison: I don’t think more really needs to be said than this. Unfortunately the show felt the need to overlay him with “Baby Face” and show him repeatedly yelling “I’M ADORABLE!” and grinding a finger into his own cheek and blowing psychotic air-kisses directly at a terrified Jennifer Lopez and generally taking himself from “hmmm, he seems like an odd character” to full-on cackling Sin City Psycho Nightmare Fuel. He said he got thrown out of rock bands because he looked too young and innocent. Randy implied it might be because he’s not a terribly talented suggestion. I would suggest it’s more likely because he kept on waking them up in the middle of the night, two inches from their face, and snickering “aint I a Cutie?” *GIGGLE GIGGLE*. Whilst holding a knife. In his teeth.

Britanny Zika: I like to think that this was American Idol’s little reward to me for my dedicated viewership over the years, especially now the ratings in the US are…not so healthy as they once were. Because we all know I detest hipsters (and if we didn’t know before, we do now) and yet in comes Britanny Zika with her stupid hat and her stupid glasses and yelling “I AM A HIPSTER” (she pretty much actually did this), and yet the second that Steven, Randy and J-Lo cooed “you’re so pretty! Take off your hat and glasses!”, she had a She’s All That moment and we discovered that she was Secretly Beautiful(ish) All Along and her hipsterdom was cured. So, you know, at least now there’s a cure for it. Now I just have to work out a way of suggesting that we force people to take it that won’t make me sound like a fascist. In further news, she sang ‘The Story’, a song whose existence I’m only aware of because it was in the musical episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t even know if that’s a bad thing or not.

David Weed: I had a weird out of body experience watching this guy, because he has my hairline, and possibly my actual hair, so this felt worryingly close to watching myself audition for American Idol, right down to the general unsuitability for the task at hand. Fortunately he got rejected, so at least I won’t have to go through that again.

Naomi Gilles : Dear Naomi Gilles : here are some Aerosmiths songs I personally would have preferred to hear, rather than that rendition of “Cryin'” : Jaded, Pink, Livin On The Edge, Eat The Rich, Love In An Elevator, Dream On, Dude Looks Like A Lady, Sweet Emotion, Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees), Crazy, Janie’s Got A Gun, Walk This Way, Pretty Much Any Of Them Apart From “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing”, Cryin’ you know, with the actual tune it was written with.

Sam Gershman: Poor Sam Gershman. So well-meaning, and yet so doomed. She was set up to fail from the word go with her general chattiness and sunshiney demeanour, right down to her joke falling flat. To be fair, the joke was about how her dad’s name is “Ira”, though I think having the crickets sound effect made the judges look like idiots more than Sam. Anyway, she sang ‘I’m A Woman’ (kind of a mistake, considering that if you perform that on this show you’re taking on Mindy Doo and bound to come out unfavourably in comparison), and was hugely OTT about it, but had a good voice underneath all the terrifying effort. They’ve put through far worse people than her, but I guess that giving her three nos was a handy way of making a point about how Broadway will not be tolerated on this show. Which makes me sad, because I remember how they had an actual Broadway week back in season four and it was awesome in a misguided sort of way (although not nearly as misguided as season seven’s Andrew Lloyd Webber week, which might actually be the one worse idea for a theme week than Songs Gwen Stefani Might Know week).

That Guy : You know, the one who talked us into the break, who was clearly auditioning for Ryan’s job. He was kind of cute wasn’t he? What I’m trying to say is that I don’t remember an awful lot about this episode, and if we see any of the people in it beyond Groups Night I will EAT MY HAT. As bad as the region was in Series 6, this was probably the driest auditions episode I can remember in…erm…my two seasons of watching them. BUT STILL.

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