American Idol 2012 – Galveston Auditions

6 notable people from “The Oleander City”. A city that probably wishes it had a better nickname.

Alejandro Cazares : I can’t really get a handle on Alejandro’s logic. He wants to start a revolution in the world to make it so that Lady Gaga can be a succesful recording artist and Obama can be President? Isn’t that…this universe? Is he being ironic? How is he going to further this dream by being crap on American Idol? How does this further the Underdog? How many times was he expecting them to put him through based on his erm…”voice”? Why did all the good looking and talented people in the holding bay join in yelling “REVOLUTION!” along with him when it could only be to their detriment? Why was his tongue blue? Why any of this? Weren’t we doing better at not showing nut-nuts this season? When are auditions over?

Baylie Brown: It’s so often the way with this show that a former auditionee returns for a second (/third/fourth) chance and I have absolutely no idea who they are, despite having been a viewer since season four. So it was quite a pleasant surprise when Baylie turned up and I thought “hmm, I know her”. It took a bit of a while to place her, but as soon as they gave me some context, it all came flooding back – season six, paired with Antonella Barba in the group round in Hollywood, forgot her words and sent packing. Sent packing in favour of Antonella Barba, just in case you ever needed a clue towards how the evaluation system on the show needs a bit of a kick up the arse. (Although I feel sorry for Antonella Barba, a little bit. Five years since she was on the show and still used as a human punchline, and I bet she hasn’t flashed a statue in months or anything.) Anyway, it was good to see her back, having taken a bit of time to gain some experience and maturity, and actually sounding pretty good. I don’t know if she’ll fare any better this time around, but I hope so.

Julie Schuman: There’s not an awful lot to say about this lady, other than the fact that she was wearing shiny silver trousers and running around the room screeching like a banshee. She was, however, described in the caption as a “dancer/nutritionist”, which amused me immensely. I’m generally a bit wary of nutritionists as a species ever since reading Bad Science/being exposed to Gillian McKeith at any point, but I love the idea that this is how she earns her money when she’s not dancing/auditioning for this show. Frankly, if more nutritionists spent more time dancing, the world might be a better place. But let’s just hope that doesn’t give McKeith any funny ideas.

Linda Williams: One of my chief annoyances on this show of late is the general rudeness of the judges – the way they frequently chat amongst themselves while the contestants are singing, without bothering to lower their voices, and often openly mocking the people in front of them. I’m still not saying it’s excusable, but after tonight I did find myself wondering what the wider context for some of those moments might have been. Because J-Lo’s “SERIOUSLY? You’re putting HER through?!?!” reaction was phenomenally rude, but having come after we’d just seen Steven and Randy repeatedly turning away people who seemed perfectly decent, only for them to develop an unexpected love for Linda’s wheezy-ass performance. I feel bad for Linda, of course, because I doubt she realised quite what she’d done to earn the sheer HATRED simmering out of J-Lo in her general direction, but she seemed relatively unfazed by it. So if she can just sort out her singing before the next round, there might be hope for this one yet.

Phong Vu: Have we got to the point where we can definitively say that every East Asian nation has its own William Hung now? I think we have.

Skylar Laine: One of the things I like about So You Think You Can Dance USA is that at some point in Series 5, Nigel was mildly homophobic (the usual “you’re too feminine, you scare straight men away from dance BLAH BLAH BLAH” nonsense) and the audience called him out on it and he apologised. This show on the other hand still feels comfortable doing things like a lengthy “TEXAS! LAND OF REAL MEN!” promo followed by a HILARIOUS fag-montage. Sadly. All culminating in this, Skylar Laine, more man than they’ll ever be with their mohawks and flouncing. She SHOOTS THINGS! She SLEEPS INSIDE A DEAR CORPSE! SHE VOTED FOR MCCAIN! TWICE! Heaven knows how well this will go down if she makes the live shows. Well, probably. Still her voice was nice, which is more than you can say about most of the other 7000 people who have been put through to Hollywood so far. So, like I said, when are auditions over again?

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