American Idol 2012 – San Diego/Aspen Auditions

10 notable people from “America’s Finest City” and…erm…SKI CITY USA. Combined because we don’t have American Football in the UK, thank Christ.

Ali Shields: I mostly love Ali Shields because she’s the sort of amazing fake-dork girl you get on US teen shows, who is clearly FAR too attractive ever to be that socially awkward, but the needs of tv must, so here we are, with a girl throwing bashful eyes over whether her first ever kiss was with Mike Posner or Usher. As part of a gig she accidentally landed on The Ellen Show (My own personal choice of the two would be Usher, although I would establish first that Death was definitely not an option). And then she was on American Idol, DOING A RAP AND A WANNABE GHETTO DANCE. You can keep your Magic Cyclops and your Norman Gentles, this is the only flavour of acted-out nonsense I need on American Idol in my life.

Angie Ziederman: Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah. Ra-ma-ah-ah-ah. Ga-ga-ooh-la-la-la. Want your guaranteed Idol screen time. I know that watered-down versions of already famous people has been Idol’s stock-in-trade for quite some time now, but is some overdone eye make-up and a zany print on your dress enough to pass yourself off as the next Lady Gaga? Apparently, yes. Perhaps the most surprising note in all of this was that despite her clear intention to be as ZANY as possible, there was the hint of a good voice underneath all the schtick. One that needs controlling, but it’s there. So yeah, I’m glad she got through, but girlfriend is going to need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Ashley Robles: I know that I’m not a regular poster on Monkseal, but I believe that even having temporary posting privileges here allows me to invoke BABY WARS! It’s an impressive early strike from single mum Ashley, whose daughter was positively adorable – just the right amount of precociousness to be cute without being irritating. I kind of hope Seacrest was babysitting while Ashley was auditioning, because that’s a spinoff waiting to happen. Ashley herself? Was all right, decent-voice, sang Whitney with all the Whitney affectations of the original. She’s going to need to learn some tricks of her own.

Aubree Dieckmeyer: I’m so pleased to be writing about Aubree Dickmuncher on The Bitch Factor. [Pause.] WHOOPS I MEAN MONKSEAL, HA HA HA HA HA. There are probably varied responses to Aubree and whether you thought her accidentally saying “America’s Next Top Model” instead of “American Idol” (REPEATEDLY) was amusing or contrived, but I have to say, I really warmed to her. I liked her voice too – she has the potential to be tweeriffic, but then I rooted for Brooke White in season seven so twee is not necessarily a problem for me.

Haley Smith: The girl next door. I mean, the ACTUAL girl next door, not the sort of girl next door you might get in a Hollywood movie. The girl who’s kind of socially awkward, hides behind her hair, and was notorious for about five weeks at school when she accidentally called her English teacher “Daddy”. Anyway, this one’s a meat packer (lolz) and has a nice, sort of quirky voice, if a bit spitty. She also needs an Idol stylist makeover more than anyone else has ever needed one.

Jane Carrey: So yeah, Jane Carrey is the daughter of Jim Carrey. She may have mentioned this/flashed up a video of it/played his voice directly to camera over the phone once or twice. Or possibly more, I lost count after the first time. I guess, what with the rise of Zelda Williams, being the daughter of an 80s/90s comedy superstar is very in now, but it might be best for her to carve out a personality of her own, at some point. Especially as all Jim really has to offer culture at this point is Mr Popper’s Penguins and rambling on about vaccinations. That phone message sounded disconcertingly…Hasselhoffy. Like it was being dictated face-down in a cheesburger. Basically I’m saying that Jane Carrey should flee her father’s legend, not embrace it, because she will almost certainly end up subsumed. More hilarious “I was TWO YEARS OLD, J-LO, why the fuck are you expecting me to remember you, you narcisstic basket-case” dissing please, less riding off of dad’s name and face and voice.

Jayrah Gibson: There was something simultaneously very 80s and very 90s about Jayrah Gibson. In style he was really the same old same old speak-singing soulful crooner 90s vibe, crawling all over J-Lo and her (*ugh*) “moneymaker” like a rash and playing up his back-burner singer-songwriter abilities. But jeez, that coke-ramble about plan As and plan Bs and there being no fall back if you want to be a star and mediocrity is for LOSERS and he will be the American Idol or he will kill all his family to hide the shame, or whatever the fudge he was rambling on about was American Psycho writ large. I don’t know how much further he’ll get, because his already under-nourished Idol niche has apparently been undercut by LA Reid on X Factor USA, but I’m sure it’ll be enjoyable.

Jenni Schick: I love how she approached her audition like she was gearing up to take a run at a game on Takeshi’s Castle, all breathless excitement and jogging on the spot and shout-out gestures to camera. Other than that she was moslty notable for her list. Her list of all the people she’s allowed to kiss (LOL, so tame) without it being considered cheating. This list mostly told me that her boyfriend is no-fooling gay (two men and Lady Gaga?!) and also that Seacrest’s gay-panic is so over-developed at this point that he refuses to even kiss the girlfriend of a (presumed) gay lest it somehow reach the tabloids via some sort of daisy chain effect. Oh Seacrest, you just get wierder and wierder.

Shelby Tweten: She has a very tragic backstory of some sort, but I couldn’t really be arsed to pay attention. Sorry. She sang a song by Carrie Dunderhead that I didn’t really know, but recognised as a Dunderhead song instantly because it just had those sort of homespun, trite, simplistic, incredibly on-the-nose lyrics that all of her songs have. I didn’t think Shelby was that great, to be honest, but I also don’t think we’re losing her any time soon.

Wolf: I guess the recession hit American Gladiators hard. Who would have thought one of their mighty number would wind up working on a golf course and trying to make it on American Idol singing Johnny Cash? To be fair, we only have his world for it that his friends call him “Wolf”. It seems equally likely that they might call him “Elvis Gnome” given his physical appearance, but I guess he seems like an honest enough sort. And he managed to break through Ryan’s gay panic and sneak a kiss. Maybe Ryan was over-excited at the thought of a git-fiddle, who can say? That’s probably how he got the job with Sim…[JOKE REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS]


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