Perilously Close To A Market Research Post

So, this Spring, there will most likely be a clash in the reality tv schedules of blog schisming proportions. First of all there is the return of long-running blog favourite The Apprentice, then the HIGHLY EXCITING return of Andrew Lloyd Eyebags on ITV, hunting for Jesus. Then, on BBC 1, the potential launch of a new world-conquering reality franchise (or, as is looking increasingly likely, a new So You Think You Can Dance UK) in “The Voice”. And let’s face it, I’m not recapping them all. So here’s your opportunity to show me your focus group side and tell me what you’re most interested in reading about in my long-form, rambling, recaps this Easter. Some small points to consider, although I generally am not fussed particularly either way, honest :

a) If someone wins The Apprentice because they’ve got a magic nail file again, I will KICK OFF.
b) I can’t help but feeling that a large part of what made Andrew Lord Eyebags shows endearing is going to be lost in the translation to ITV (by which I mostly mean “Graham Norton”)
c) The Voice looks like it could be the most boring and self-righteous reality show of all time.
d) That could count either way in how much fun it’d be to recap to be honest.
e) I would rather slice open my eyeballs with lemon-drenched razors than try to get screencaps off ITV Player, so the Lord Eyebags Show MAY end up being text-only if I recap it.

Advertisements

37 thoughts on “Perilously Close To A Market Research Post

  1. Joel

    I’m so angry that Andrew is searching for a Jesus on ITV. It’s all WRONG. We saw how bad they were at the find a star thing with the Grease one.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I do have hopes that Andrew will slam his foot down and make demands that ITV “BE CLASSY LIKE WHAT HE IS” in a way that pervy old David Ian didn’t.

      Reply
  2. Scott

    The Voice looks horrible, which kind of makes you want to eviscerate it, but I think 12 weeks would kill you.

    And I agree that The Lord on ITV is just wrong. All right thinking people should boycott it.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      On the other hand, this could be a route for “Celebrity Fame Academy” to return via the back-door as “Celebrity Voice” or whatever, and I would be ALL FOR THAT.

      Reply
  3. Neio

    As long as The Apprentice is still recapped, I couldn’t give a toss about the other two. Your Apprentice recaps are always hilarious and brilliant.

    Reply
  4. Missfrankiecat

    the Lord searches for The Lord (with understudy?) is going to play havoc with your capitals..stick to the one and only Apprentice.

    Reply
  5. Penny

    I never got into The Apprentice, so I am probably the only person who will have voted for the other two. I expect you’re right about ITV ruining Lloyd-Webber though. For some reason I quite fancy giving “The Voice” a try – but am probably wrong about that too.

    Reply
  6. Pasta

    Like others, a yes for the The Apprentice and no to the deadly-sounding Voice. I did also vote for ALW, maybe for a trial couple of weeks? Our brave British showboys only had the one go on the BBC, with the gallant Josephs their only outing (as it were) against the massed ranks of Marias, Nancies and Dorothies, and the prospect of a troupe of camp as Christmas West End wannabees offering up their Jesus is potentially ripe with fun. Yet there is the fun-crushing machine that is ITV.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I have to admit, of all the musicals in the world they could conceivably do, “Jesus Christ Superstar” is the one I know least about. I only know the title song and it’s kind of hard not to…

      Reply
      1. Kerry McCormack (@KerryMc1978)

        See, the other reason i’m dubious about Jesus Christ Superstar being done is the prospect of ‘Gethsemane’ being slaughtered. It’s an amazing song when it’s sung well, but i’ve heard some hideous versions in the past and have no wish to hear any more. I also fear that it would be the song that the losing Jesus would have to sing each week and I remember too well, the many carcrash versions of ‘Close Every Door’ during the Joseph series

      2. monkseal Post author

        They’ll probably just do “Jesus Chris Superstar” because it’s the only song anyone knows. Then he’ll be crucified.

  7. PadsterMo

    Tough one!

    The Apprentice is a given – even the dullest episodes of The Apprentice are bearable thanks to your sterling work on the blog.

    As for the other two……..

    By process of elimination it has to be the All-Jesus Variety Hour -although maybe just on a few weeks trial first? I can’t help but imagine most of the enjoyment of the BBC shows will be lost in translation – ad breaks, sob-stories, phone-in competitions, Norton replaced by either presumably Schofield or Bleakley…………not sure if I see this lasting more than one series/cycle/musical/fnar

    The Voice……….I’ll watch it but consider the following – this show features Jessie J AND Reggie Yates. Two reasons not to watch it any more times than necessary.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Reggie Yates as a prime-time presenter is…a thought. On the other hand, I do love a bit of Holly Willoughby. And that other bit as well.

      Reply
  8. Mark

    I would have preferred ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ but if that is axed then I suppose I will enjoy your review of the Apprentice. I have never watched an episode of this before but have enjoyed your reviews.
    Any chance you could do Dancing with the Stars when it starts again in September?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I can’t see me going back to blogging Dancing With The Stars – I really hated dropping that series halfway through, but I can’t keep my attention on the show enough for the hours it took to watch it on top of everything else sufficiently to blog about it. It’s just not a show I can get myself to watch every week.

      Reply
  9. isolde

    Can’t see the point of The Voice myself. A singing competition where people are chosen for their vocal ability, rather than the likelihood of them having a nervous breakdown on live TV? Where’s the fun in that?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m sure there will still be countless rounds of producer-only auditions beforehand to make sure we still get “the right balance”.

      Reply
  10. Verns

    I was tempted to vote for The Voice and ‘You could still be Jesus’, just to discombobulate you a bit – as if you’d ever NOT blog about The Apprentice! I mean, I’m sure you’ll take the wishes of your readers into consideration, blah blah, but I will eat my magic nail file if you voluntarily axe the Apprentice blog.

    Reply
  11. Jenny

    The Voice – Jessie J is still a judge on it? That’s me out..but I.will be back in if they talk Kylie round

    Jesus – Don’t know the musical, think it could get a bit icky re the subject matter. Hard to see what could be better than the Dorothys – probably the best series of reality tv ever for me. RIP Bronte Barbe – never forget etc. I really wish the BBC would do a search for Eliza Doolittle with Graham hosting (panel: , McClutchbag, full-fat Barrowman and Hugh Grant in Leveson mode, representing the ghost of Rex Harrison – I’ve thought this through too much).

    The Apprentice – it might have jumped the shark and has been wearily over-edited & scripted since the glory days of the Kosher Chicken passed, but it’s still value for money, hopefully

    Do you watch Masterchef? Torode has been in full-on Len Goodman mode this series (meaning that we yell ‘fuck off’ at him at least twice an episode

    Reply
    1. Pops

      Oooh, My Fair Lady could be great, especially if we get a replay of I’d Do Anything, where ALW’s favourite Jessie couldn’t do a cockney accent. “Eliza doesn’t have to be cockney, she could easily have been Welsh/Irish/Scouse/Geordie. And we’re looking for an edgy, 21st-century Eliza, so there’s no need for her start talking posh at the end either – she can keep the same accent all the way through.” And imagine the creep factor in Graham Norton asking which one of the teenage auditonees will be Andrew’s Fair Lady…
      But seeing as we’re discussing reality shows that are actually happening I voted for Jesus and The Apprentice.

      Reply
      1. monkseal Post author

        “I’m looking for an Eliza that’s a cross between La Roux, Janice Dickinson, and Boudicca”. (*winds up with Audrey Hepburn*)

    2. Poppy

      Oooh, I’d love to see “I Could Have Danced All Night (and still have begged for more)” on BBC1 primetime. Great idea. Come on Lord A. You know you want to.

      Reply
      1. Pops

        The only thing I’d like more was if the BBC retaliated by announcing they’d got Stephen Sondheim in to judge Attend the Tale of Sweeney Todd, and that when a Sweeney got voted off the remaining contestants sang Poor Thing, while the person who won the sing off pretended to slit the loser’s throat and then dispatched him down a trap door. Graham Norton’s already got a flip-back chair they can use from his chat show. Or seeing as Sweeney Todd’s already going into the West End, maybe an Into the Woods, where the loser sings I Know Things Now and then gets crushed by a paper mache giant’s foot. Or Assassins (working title Everybody’s Got the Right) where anyone voted off sings Unworthy of Your Love and gets shot. Anyway, I’ll stop now…

    3. monkseal Post author

      I gave up on Masterchef last series, but am regretting not watching it, because this series has been AMAZING so far. There are a lot of boring men floating around who will probably make the end-game rubbish (Eamon, Andrew, Jay, ickickick) but so far I’m loving it. Such a shame Jonathan had to quit.

      Reply
      1. Jenny

        Pixie Andrew looks like the winner already. Gregg yelling about MAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRR SAWWWWWCCCCCCCE like a wounded orc the other day was rather brilliant, but John hasn’t reached his peak yet (haven’t had him screaming with lustful rage in the face of a female contestant yet)

      2. monkseal Post author

        My favourite John moment thus far is when he told someone off for trying too hard then immediately went “RARRGHHHHHHHHHHH!” like a wounded orc. Zero to Alanis in .06 seconds.

  12. Poppy

    Sadly, I think ITV will butcher Jesus Christ (as it were), so I won’t be watching. Another reason for not voting for The Lord is that I love your screenshots, you always pick great ones, and I’d miss them like billy-o. Probably won’t watch The Voice more than once if Jessie J’s on it…I’d never heard of her before Children In Need weekend, then she was on absolutely everything, and I reached saturation point very early on. I fear any more exposure to her and I might reach dew point and it would all condense out in an unseemly mush. So I vote for The Apprentice, please. I don’t always watch it, but I love your recaps.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’ve got more problem with William being a judge. At least Jessie J can sing, when she chooses to.

      Reply
    2. Jenny

      It’s just occurred to me that they might “crucify” the losers each week, just like the Dorothys went over the rainbow. That would make it awesome telly

      Reply
  13. Left Feet

    Only probably will watch the Apprentice so do that one. Never watch any of the Lord’s programs and will not watch the Voice (but I still think it will stuff BGT this year!)

    Reply
  14. Thundercock Neasden

    I’d go for The Apprentice as music/dancing shows just leave me cold now The X Factor is past its prime… but where’s the option to vote for Playing It Straight? The contestants’ actual tears haven’t been enough to put me off my popcorn. No reality show has ever filled me with such an intense feeling of self-loathing, or such a complete inability to switch it off- at least not since The Bachelor finished.

    Reply
  15. Niamh

    The Voice is already on Irish TV, I quite like it (wasn’t expecting to) – we haven’t got to the live stages yet though, that starts next week. And I’m not so sure the whole process is the best way to go about finding the real talent. Could be a car crash in the making.
    J’adore your Apprentice recaps, of course.
    But my vote goes to ALW/Jesus/Judas Happy Hour. The Grease thing wasn’t that good but I’d like to think they’ve learned from that since. God knows ALW is such a control freak that they won’t be able to get away with anything he hasn’t authorised beforehand. (Whether this is a good thing or not… well it probably is, given standard ITV fare, but anyway.) But apart from all of that, I want you to recap it because I know a few of the final few who are through to London, and they are AMAZING. Looks like it could be a talent show with actual ‘talent’ – hooray!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s