Remember last year when they pretended that this week wasn’t ACTUALLY part of the competition, and that the people in it weren’t ACTUALLY contestants? Yeah, that was stupid wasn’t it?
Heidi Range & Andrei Lipanov : I’m so torn with regards to Heidi Range. On the one hand, she broke Schlongchambon (and not in the way that I’d break him) (no offence Mercedes McQueen), so she should be eliminated from…well, life, first of all and most importantly, but secondly the competition of Dancing On Ice. But on the other hand her continued existance in the show is the only way that we might get Schlongchambon back from the void, where he’s currently serving tea to Cheggers and Chesney dressed as a naked waiter. Frankly, if Joseph Heller had written Catch 22 about this scenario I would have got more than about 100 pages in. Anyway, after she broke Schlongchambon (just as he taught her to be lifted as well!), she got a new pro – Andrei, which apparently means something to you if you can remember more of Series 2 than that glorious crazy Russian Judge Lady bellowing “DUNCONN JAYMES! I LOBB YOU DUNCONN JAYMES!”. Which I don’t. So for me he just looks like the recipient of all the Skarsgard genes that didn’t go to Alexander. IE the unsexy ones. If I squint I can just about make out Julie Walters skating out onto the dancefloor dressed in dunagrees bellowing “Take A Chance On Me” at him. In my mind. Anyway, Heidi skated to “Bummed By A Martian” by which I mean she looked a bit like your mum dancing the robot for a laugh, and was crap, and should have gone home, and also she ruined the Sugababes did I mention that? Because that’s a factor. But then Head Judge Robin decided he liked a little sugar with his babe (which…WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? PRACTICALLY? Pervert…) so she’ll stay around to turn into the show’s very own Lisa Snowdon probably. Ugh.
MARKANDSAM & Frankie! : I love that Frankie! ditched that surname that was holding her back like Strictly ditched Arlene, and now two years in a row she’s found herself partnered with men whose names have pointless appendages attached to them everywhere they appear. First of all “Comedy Dave”, and now MARKANDSAM of MARKANDSAMANDSAMANDMARK, who are apparently my children’s favourite Saturday Morning Kids TV presenters. Which, if “children” is a euphemism for anything genital, is probably right. T4 may have been perfect hangover tv for you, but for me nothing was better than blearily watching two grown men licking chilli sauce off one another’s naked bodies whilst periodically checking on Caroline Flack to make sure she wasn’t doing any grooming (THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED IN KIDS TV IN THE 00S, BECAUSE BBC KIDS TV IS RUN BY HOMOSEXUAL PERVERTS AND HAS BEEN SINCE THE DECISION WAS MADE TO HIRE SIMON THOMAS AND GETHIN JONES SIMULTANEOUSLY HOORAY). They were also both on Pop Idol 2 and both lost to That Fat One, although the show artfully skated around that better than even NEW ICE-PANEL GODDESS Katarina Witt could. They skated to “I’m Still Standing”, which was a tweak of the nose of irony that sadly went unfulfilled, and he was the worst thing on the show since Katona, but then Frankie!’s face SPLIT OPEN SO THAT YOU COULD SEE THROUGH TIME when he was saved, so it’s all worthwhile. Also, he’s from the Midlands, and I have to represent for my people.
Charlene Tilton & BEAVER TEETH Oh my God, BEAVER TEETH IS BACK! I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but the only things I care about on this show are the pros. Well, the male pros. And Frankie!. And Brioche a bit. And hoping Maria fails because she unaccountably annoys me. (And now ICE PANEL GODDESS Katarina Witt). But BEAVER TEETH’s failure to return last series was a dagger right to my heart after he out Robin Windsor’ed Robin Windsor by making Danniella Westbrook repeatedly play homosexual dress-up in the name of dance. Remember when she skated to “You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me?” Epicmazing. Anyway, now he, and his unnatural/amazing teeth are back to guide the Poison Dwarf from Dallas through the treacherous world of ice-skating and Louis Spence’s ever-flying spit, and how does he start? Barbra Streisand. Exactly. Hang up your dancing shoes Robin Windsor, you have been checkmate’d by a master. Anyway, Charlene was actually quite good for a 150 year old woman (TM ICE PANEL GODDESS Katarina Witt) in a “marginally less annoying Dr Hamela” sort of way. Hopefully she’ll be able to stand out more in this Z-List cast than she did on Series 2 of The Farm, where she had to compete with two actual porn stars, Keith Harris, Emmas B AND Noble, Jessie Wallace’s ex-lover, Mikey from Phixx, Orville The Duck and the combatants in my own personal favourite reality tv feud ever : Lionel Blair vs Flava Flav. This diversion from Dancing On Ice is only of course to talk about Series 2 of The Farm. So amazing.
Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers’ Arse : It would be the furthest thing from my mind to accuse Jorgie Porter of being a wannabe Chelsee Healey obviously. She definitely hasn’t seen the combination of a ditzy NORF’ern party girl and excellent skills work to near-victorious perfection on Strictly and decided she’s going to play into the same thing at all. It’s just a coincidence, like Antz and A Bug’s Life arriving at the same time or John Terry kissing a BRAHN BABY. Anyway, even if her presence as a contestant does feel a little contrived, she is clearly out for revenge for my own favourite DOI contestant of two years past : Keiron Richardson – The Gay-Faced Vulcan, and also she’s partnered with Matt Evers’ Arse, so bring on the contrviance says I. Clearly she gave the best performance of the week, by some distance, so hooray for her. The vomitous torrent of “BAWW, YOU LOOK JUST WIKE A WIDDLE PWINCESS IN YOUR PINK DWESS!” that followed on the other hand is something I can gladly blot out for the rest of my life. Especially as she was skating to a song that, even in its John Lewisised twee girly version is clearly about, you know, self-loathing and grue and the viscera of relationships and stuff. BUT SHE WAS IN PINK ZOMG, SO COOT!
Chemmy Allcott & Sean Rice I’m so glad that I finally get to find out what Chemmy Alcott actually looks like! She’s been rumoured for literally every single celeb based reality show for the last five years, if not more, and yet until now she’s never made an appearance. UNTIL NOW! Here she is, like Elijah finally arriving at the Seder and guess what? SHE’S DRUNK! Well, to be honest, she’s doing drunk acting, as per Christopher Dean’s school of Choreography (if Louis Spence did nothing else amazing all episode (and he didn’t) (because when he went “AND NOW I MUST HAVE TEA!” and z-snapped, that was on a separate show) it was constantly criticising Christopher Dean’s choreography without even realising. If he was a contestant he would SO be Sharron Davies’ed next week. DO NOT QUESTION CHRIS DEAN’S CHOREOGRAPHY AUTHORITAH!). To be honest, it was quite the most amusing part of the episode, because unlike other SPORTSPEOPLES on shows like this, Chemmy gave herself to the performance full-throttle from Week One. No acting coaches required for this one. My other favourite Chemmy moment this week was Phil Schofield (presenting the show alone wasn’t he? Nobody else there was there? Certainly nobody deserving of notice anyway.) boggling at the fact that she hadn’t EVER watched the footage of her limb shattering into a thousand pieces ever. Which is bizarre isn’t it? Because you think she’d be watching that every day, complete with viewing parties. Hiring out The Machine from Strictly and drawing big red rings around every individual fragment of bone as it shredded into her skin and muscle from the inside. Almost as amazing was Phil saying that that was doubly amazing, because literally everyone else in the world has seen said-same footage. Erm…the only footage of this woman doing ANYTHING that I have EVER seen Phillip, was her falling over to P!nk. And that’s because it was on this show. We don’t all spend all day trolling Youtube for Sports Greatest Fractures you big weirdo.
*sigh* I miss Holly *sigh*
Who is there now to yell “TORVILLE AND MOTHERFUCKING DEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” like she did at the start of every show?
Andy Akinwolere & Maria Filipov : Poor Maria. I guess it was either her twice in a row, or Andrei three times in a row. Say what you will about Strictly, but they at least circulate people around the pros a bit better than this usually. I guess Maria has had to have a designated comedown from when she got the male ringers every single year but on the other hand, he looked good on paper. And then, to be fair, he looked good not on paper but, whatever, Robin Cousins’ boner and stuff. To be honest he did seem a bit ratty when he was criticised, and a tumble from 3rd out of 7 to the dance-off didn’t auger well for his vote holding up as the competition rolled on, but he deserved better than this. And by “this” I mean “having to dance on ice what Christopher Dean thinks Mick Jagger dances like on land”. There’s so many degrees of interpretation there that it generally came across with all the finesse and confidence of someone playing Blind Man’s Buff in a minefield. Still, Katarina Witt thought it was good enough, and if it’s good enough for ICE PANEL GODDESS Katarina Witt then it’s good enough for me. If she’s not Head Judge next series(/week) then something’s gone very wrong here indeed. Apart from Andy’s ridiculous elimination obviously. Order your “ANDY WUZZ ROBBED” samplers here today.
Andy Whyment & Vicky Ogden My favourite thing about this entire final segment, in the show’s latest leaden eternal clod-hop down the road of “LOL-COMEDY SOAP BLOKE IS A BIT SHIT!” is just how much of an afterthought Vicky Ogden was treated as. I can only hope she develops a personality as the series goes on, but as it stands Phil will be sat on her head with a cushion over her face to stop her speaking rather than letting her stand out and eclipse her COMEDY CELEB’S COMEDY PERSONALITY. At least so far they’re less annoying than Steven Arnold was, who I found genuinely a little depressing last year. I think it was that hat in House Of Fun.